Pokemon Ultra Quest

[Starkid91]

Hi I'm Stephen. I'm new here and am writing my first Pokemon Fanfic. Let me know what you think so far!

Pokemon Ultra Quest

Chapter 1

Rye woke up at 7 o'clock in the morning. He wanted to get an early start for choosing his first pokemon. He wanted to go to Professor Maple's laboratory and he thought Riko would be there before him so he started running. Rye met up with Rosa and said, "Good morning! Goodbye! I gotta go get my first pokemon!" Rye caught up with Riko and said, "See you later slowpoke! I'll be at Professor Maple's laboratory before you! And I know who my starter pokemon will be."

Rye arrived at Professor Maple's laboratory and bumped into the assistant who's name is Christopher and knocked over what he was carrying. Rye said, "I'm sorry, let me help you pick that up". Christopher said, "No that's ok, I'll get it. So today's your big day, huh?" Rye replied, "Yea, today is my day, and I'm choosing Cindaquil". Christopher said, "Good choice! That's a popular pokemon around here". Rye says, "Gotta go! Bye!". He finally got to Professor Maple and said, "Professor Maple, I know what pokemon I want, it's Cindaquil"! "Is that your final decision," said the Professor. "Yes it is," replied Rye. "Well," said Professor Maple, "Here you go!" Rye said, "Finally, my first pokemon!" "Go Cindaquil!" With a big whine, Cindaquil said, "Cinda!" and jumped into Rye's arms. Rye said, "You are my first pokemon ever. We better get going." Professor Maple said, "Here are some pokeballs you might need on your way. Oh! How could I have forgotten. Here is your Pokedex as well. By the way are you going to that cave?" "Yes," said Rye. The Professor mutters, "That kid's gonna be one of the best."

Rye finally gets to the cave and goes in with Cindaquil. "Well we gotta go in and get our first badge", Rye said. With another whine, Cindaquil says, "Cinda." He finally gets halfway through the cave and finds an Aron blocking his path. "Hmm, looks strong. Cindaquil, use Ember!" With a big burst of flame, Aron dodges it. Rye said, "Hmm pretty good Aron." "Cindaquil, use Tackle and Ember together!" Suddenly, Aron was weakened. Rye says, "Go pokeball" and it waits a few seconds bobbing around and then Rye exclaims, "I did it! I caught my first pokemon!" Cindaquil jumps up and yells, "CINDAAA!!!" Rye finally gets to the Pewter City and finds a charmander. He now battles it. He tells
Cindaquil tackle it. "That's a nice shot Cindaquil". Charmander uses scratch and seems to do
alot damage. Suddenly Cindaquil is learning flame wheel. Then Rye shouts out to and weakens him.
Rye then uses a pokeball. It takes five seconds to be caught. He grabs the pokeball that caught Charmander and attaches it to his belt. He rushes to Cindaquil, and says " Are you alright. Suddenly Cindaquil starts to evolve into Quilava. Rye says, "This is great. I have Quilava!"

Then Rye returns to the Pokemon Center in Pewter City carrying Quillava. Rye says, "Nurse Joy, can you help me?" Nurse Joy replies, "Was it that Charmander?" Rye says, "I remember I caught a Charmander. Nurse Joy says, "That Charmander is a shining Charmander!" Rye exclaims, "Wow a shining pokemon! Well can you help me Nurse Joy?" Nurse Joy says, "Yes I will help you, but can you wait for a while?" Then Rye was sitting on a chair waiting for a while and heard a voice. It was Rosa's voice. Rye got up and said, "What pokemon did you choose, Rosa?" Rosa said, "I chose Bulbasaur." Rye asks, "Would you like to battle after our pokemon are healed?" Rosa replies, "Yes!" Rye says, "I wonder where Riko is." Rosa says, "Well he's still training his pokemon." Nurse Joy says, "Your pokemon are healed Rye and Rosa." "Do you want to battle now Rosa?" asked Rye. "Yes I would", replied Rosa. They walk out of the center and the battle is about to begin. Rye chooses Charmander and Rosa sends out Pidgey. Rye says, "Charmander use Ember!" and Rosa tells Pidgey to dodge the attack. Rye said, "Pretty good, Charmander metal claw now!" Rosa says, "Pidgey, tackle!" They both collide together and do alot of damage. Rye says, "C'mon Charmander get up!" Both pokemon stand. "Charmander use Ember, full power," commanded Rye, and Rosa tells Pidgey to use gust at full power and the attacks collided with an explosion and both pokemon faint. "Good job Charmander, now return. Well pretty good job, looks like we tied," said Rye.

Then they both go to the gym. "Who is the gym leader here?", asked Rye. "I am, my name is Brock. Well do you want to battle?" Rye replies, "Yes I would!" Brock says, "Then let the battle begin!" Brock chooses Geodude and Rye chooses Aron, saying "Let's go Aron!" The judge says, "Let the battle begin!" Rye says, "Aron, use metal claw!" Brock says, "Geodude, dodge it and use mega punch!" Rye says, "Dodge it and then use head butt," which did some damage. Brock says, "That was pretty good." Rye replies, "I'll show you pretty good and tells Aron, use Iron Tail at full power!" Suddenly Geodude faints. Brock says, "Wow, I wouldn't have expected that! Go Onix!" and a huge Onix appears on the battlefield. Rye says, "Aron, hang in there, use metal claw!" Brock says, "Onix use Iron Tail!" and knocks down Aron. "Go Aron, use Iron Tail!" and Aron deals alot of damage. Brock says, "Use Dragon Breath!" and Aron faints after the attack. The judge says, "Aron is unable to battle, Onix wins" but not before Rye brings out Quilava. Rye yells, "Go Quilava!" Brock says, "Onix, use Rock Throw!" Rye says, "Dodge the attack and use Flame Wheel right now!" Suddenly, Onix faints. The judge says, "Onix is unable to battle, Quilava is the winner!" Brock says, "Well, you did a good job, here's your badge." Rye says, "I did it! I got my first badge ever!"

Rye goes back to the Pokemon Center and says, "Can you heal my pokemon Nurse Joy?" She replies, "Did you beat Brock and win the badge?" Rye exclaims, "I did!" Nurse Joy said, "Wow great job it takes a good trainer to beat Brock!"

...........to be continued

 

[Joe Vega #4]

I understand that you're writing your first fic, and so am I. However, try not to make things go so fast. You should make longer battles. Be a bit more descriptive. I also noticed a lack of capitalization and punctuation.

Good Luck!

 

[Starkid91]

I ma doing chapter two

 

[Flames Galore]

Um... this needs serious work. This is a prototypical trainer fic, except that everything is happening too quickly. You have not described Rye at all, except by telling us it is a "he." For all we know Rye is a robotic Mr. Potato Head, or a male mongoose! What does Rye look like? Describe his personality, likes, and dislikes. Where did Rye wake up? Did he wake up in a vat of grape jelly? Who the hell is Riko? You can't assume we know that, we can't read your mind. Right now, you make it seem like Rye woke up in the middle of nowhere and ran to Professor Maple's lab. Where does Rye live? Does he have parents? Who are they? Did he say goodbye to his family? Did he eat breakfast? Did he pack a bag or something to take with him on his journey? Who is Rosa? What do Rosa and Riko look like? Can you have a character say anything without using the word "said"? What does Prof. Maple's lab look like? What was Christopher holding? Do you understand that this story needs a lot more description than it has? Do you know that you didn't spell "cyndaquil" right? What cave? Where is everybody, and how come you don't tell us where they are? Are they in Littleroot? Pallet town? Some made up place? Instead of always writing "Rye said, "hello"" how about ""Hello," exclaimed Rye jubilantly."? How does Rye always get somewhere seemingly without traveling? Can he teleport into "the cave"? What is the cave called? What does Cyndaquil look like? What does aron look like? How is Cyndaquil's ember magically so strong in its first use? How are ember and tackle used together? Was it some kind of flaming tackle, because that would take time and training to use? Were they used consecutively? Did they hit the aron? Did the aron actually fight back? Did Rye magically teleport to Pewter city? What does pewter look like? Where did he come from that he had to use a cave to get there? Did the charmander magically teleport there too, and appear right in front of Rye? How did cyndaquil learn flame wheel so quickly? It hadn't even had two freakin' battles? Are you rushing the plot? Is there a plot? How and why did Rye shout out to and weaken Cyndaquil? How did Cyndaquil evolve in less than two battles? Wouldn't Rye notice that Charmander was a shiny, or is that part of Rye's magical streak of good fortune? What did the charmander look like? Is Rye blind? What chemical equation can explain how a gust of wind and an ember explode? Can any two attacks collide and explode. Would a tackle attack and a bubble attack explode? Does Nurse Joy know everything? Did the judge come out of nowhere? Is he a judge or a referee? What does brock look like? What does Rosa's pidgey look like? You make Brock look like a pushover. Will Rye ever lose a battle. Do you know that Aron can't learn iron tali because he has no tail? How does headbutt, a normal type move, do a lot of damage on a geodude? Describe the battle. Don't make it like the game: geodude used mega punch. geodude's attack missed. aron used metal claw. Say something like "the geodude's fist lit up with a bright glow as he reared back and smashed it towards the aron." Even that isn't a great example.

This is one of the worst stories I have seen, and it needs a ton of work. Answer the questions I asked you, and use them to help with your description. Remember that none of your readers will be alakazams, so don't think they can read your mind and know what you are thinking when you write. Read "Advice for Aspiring Authors," and take example from good stories by authors such as Obsidian Blade, Dragonfree, Dias, Chibi Pika, etc. 0.000000000000000000001 out of 10

 

[skiboydoggy]

Errr... My point is taken I guess...
When I though Felix's fic was bad...

This just takes the cake.

I mean, my fic does not follow basic city to city routes either, but at least I do it nice and proper-ish.

Gosh...

I give it: WTFOMGROFLMFAO/10

 

[Starkid91]

Flames Galore I dan't like you **** you

 

[Nara_Shikamaru]

Starkid91, don't spam your own thread like that, insulting other users will result in a ban so consider this a warning. Flames Galore was giving you advice and even though their rating may have been a little extreme, you should still listen to .

 

[Starkid91]

Hi I'm Stephen. I'm new here and am writing my first Pokemon Fanfic. Let me know what you think so far!

Pokemon Ultra Quest

Chapter 1

Rye woke up at 7 o'clock in the morning. He wanted to get an early start for choosing his first pokemon. He wanted to go to Professor Maple's laboratory and he thought Riko would be there before him so he started running. Rye met up with Rosa and said, "Good morning! Goodbye! I gotta go get my first pokemon!" Rye caught up with Riko and said, "See you later slowpoke! I'll be at Professor Maple's laboratory before you! And I know who my starter pokemon will be."

Rye arrived at Professor Maple's laboratory and bumped into the assistant who's name is Christopher and knocked over what he was carrying. Rye said, "I'm sorry, let me help you pick that up". Christopher said, "No that's ok, I'll get it. So today's your big day, huh?" Rye replied, "Yea, today is my day, and I'm choosing Cindaquil". Christopher said, "Good choice! That's a popular pokemon around here". Rye says, "Gotta go! Bye!". He finally got to Professor Maple and said, "Professor Maple, I know what pokemon I want, it's Cindaquil"! "Is that your final decision," said the Professor. "Yes it is," replied Rye. "Well," said Professor Maple, "Here you go!" Rye said, "Finally, my first pokemon!" "Go Cindaquil!" With a big whine, Cindaquil said, "Cinda!" and jumped into Rye's arms. Rye said, "You are my first pokemon ever. We better get going." Professor Maple said, "Here are some pokeballs you might need on your way. Oh! How could I have forgotten. Here is your Pokedex as well. By the way are you going to that cave?" "Yes," said Rye. The Professor mutters, "That kid's gonna be one of the best."

Rye finally gets to the cave and goes in with Cindaquil. "Well we gotta go in and get our first badge", Rye said. With another whine, Cindaquil says, "Cinda." He finally gets halfway through the cave and finds an Aron blocking his path. "Hmm, looks strong. Cindaquil, use Ember!" With a big burst of flame, Aron dodges it. Rye said, "Hmm pretty good Aron." "Cindaquil, use Tackle and Ember together!" Suddenly, Aron was weakened. Rye says, "Go pokeball" and it waits a few seconds bobbing around and then Rye exclaims, "I did it! I caught my first pokemon!" Cindaquil jumps up and yells, "CINDAAA!!!" Rye finally gets to the Pewter City and finds a charmander. He now battles it. He tells
Cindaquil tackle it. "That's a nice shot Cindaquil". Charmander uses scratch and seems to do
alot damage. Suddenly Cindaquil is learning flame wheel. Then Rye shouts out to and weakens him.
Rye then uses a pokeball. It takes five seconds to be caught. He grabs the pokeball that caught Charmander and attaches it to his belt. He rushes to Cindaquil, and says " Are you alright. Suddenly Cindaquil starts to evolve into Quilava. Rye says, "This is great. I have Quilava!"

Then Rye returns to the Pokemon Center in Pewter City carrying Quillava. Rye says, "Nurse Joy, can you help me?" Nurse Joy replies, "Was it that Charmander?" Rye says, "I remember I caught a Charmander. Nurse Joy says, "That Charmander is a shining Charmander!" Rye exclaims, "Wow a shining pokemon! Well can you help me Nurse Joy?" Nurse Joy says, "Yes I will help you, but can you wait for a while?" Then Rye was sitting on a chair waiting for a while and heard a voice. It was Rosa's voice. Rye got up and said, "What pokemon did you choose, Rosa?" Rosa said, "I chose Bulbasaur." Rye asks, "Would you like to battle after our pokemon are healed?" Rosa replies, "Yes!" Rye says, "I wonder where Riko is." Rosa says, "Well he's still training his pokemon." Nurse Joy says, "Your pokemon are healed Rye and Rosa." "Do you want to battle now Rosa?" asked Rye. "Yes I would", replied Rosa. They walk out of the center and the battle is about to begin. Rye chooses Charmander and Rosa sends out Pidgey. Rye says, "Charmander use Ember!" and Rosa tells Pidgey to dodge the attack. Rye said, "Pretty good, Charmander metal claw now!" Rosa says, "Pidgey, tackle!" They both collide together and do alot of damage. Rye says, "C'mon Charmander get up!" Both pokemon stand. "Charmander use Ember, full power," commanded Rye, and Rosa tells Pidgey to use gust at full power and the attacks collided with an explosion and both pokemon faint. "Good job Charmander, now return. Well pretty good job, looks like we tied," said Rye.

Then they both go to the gym. "Who is the gym leader here?", asked Rye. "I am, my name is Brock. Well do you want to battle?" Rye replies, "Yes I would!" Brock says, "Then let the battle begin!" Brock chooses Geodude and Rye chooses Aron, saying "Let's go Aron!" The judge says, "Let the battle begin!" Rye says, "Aron, use metal claw!" Brock says, "Geodude, dodge it and use mega punch!" Rye says, "Dodge it and then use head butt," which did some damage. Brock says, "That was pretty good." Rye replies, "I'll show you pretty good and tells Aron, use Iron Tail at full power!" Suddenly Geodude faints. Brock says, "Wow, I wouldn't have expected that! Go Onix!" and a huge Onix appears on the battlefield. Rye says, "Aron, hang in there, use metal claw!" Brock says, "Onix use Iron Tail!" and knocks down Aron. "Go Aron, use Iron Tail!" and Aron deals alot of damage. Brock says, "Use Dragon Breath!" and Aron faints after the attack. The judge says, "Aron is unable to battle, Onix wins" but not before Rye brings out Quilava. Rye yells, "Go Quilava!" Brock says, "Onix, use Rock Throw!" Rye says, "Dodge the attack and use Flame Wheel right now!" Suddenly, Onix faints. The judge says, "Onix is unable to battle, Quilava is the winner!" Brock says, "Well, you did a good job, here's your badge." Rye says, "I did it! I got my first badge ever!"

Rye goes back to the Pokemon Center and says, "Can you heal my pokemon Nurse Joy?" She replies, "Did you beat Brock and win the badge?" Rye exclaims, "I did!" Nurse Joy said, "Wow great job it takes a good trainer to beat Brock!"

...........to be continued

Chapter 2

Rye went to the PokeMart to stock up on some items. Afterwards, he began walking out of town and went towards Route 3. A trainer named John wanted to battle with a Pikachu and Rye said, "Bring it on!" John shouted, "Go Pikachu!" Rye said, "Go Charmander!" Pikachu used Thundershock and Charmander dodged the attack and used Ember then Scratch. John commanded Pikachu to dodge the attack and use Quick Attack. Charmander used Scratch and damages Pikachu. Rye said, "Charmander, use Ember at max power." Suddenly, Pikachu faints. The trainer says, "Good job, can I teach your Charmander two new moves?" Rye accepts and asked what they were. John says, "The new moves are Mega Punch and Brick Break." Of course Rye says yes. It took Charmander ten minutes to fully learn the new attacks. Rye thanks the trainer for teaching the new techniques to his Charmander and then calls him back to the pokeball. Rye is halfway through Route 3 and a trainer, named Rick, with a Spearow wants to battle. Rye says to Rick "let's battle". Rye chooses Charmander again and Rick says, "Spearow, use Peck and Fury Attack!" Rye says, "Charmander dodge both of the attacks and use Ember twice!" Spearow dodges the first attack but gets damaged by the second. Rick says, "Go, use Fury Attack again!" Rye commands Charmander to use Brick Break and the Spearow faints. Rye and Rick shake hands and say "Good job".

Rye is now on Route 4 when suddenly he catches up with Riko. Rye asks, "How are you doing with your Mudkip?" Riko says, "Oh it's you, I have a Marshtomp now." Rye replies, "Well I have a Quilava now and asks if he would like to battle." Riko takes the offer and the battle begins. Rye sends out his Charmander again and Riko sends out a Mankey. "Charmander, use your Metal Claw!" shouts Rye, and Riko says, "Mankey use Karate Chop!" Suddenly Charmander is learning Flame Thrower. "Charmander, use Flame Thrower!" Riko shouts for Mankey to use Cross Chop. The two attacks collide and both pokemon fall to the ground and begin to evolve. Charmander evolved into Charmeleon and Mankey evolved into Primeape. Both trainers forfeit the match. "Charmeleon return!" shouted Rye and Riko called back his pokemon as well. Two male Nidorans pop up. Rye and Riko said, "Now this is my chance!" Rye calls out his Quilava and Riko calls his Marshtomp. Rye says, "Use Quick Attack" and Riko commands Marshtomp to use Mud Shot. Both Nidoran are weakened. Rye and Riko yell, "Go pokeball!" and they each caught their own Nidoran. Rye says, "There's a Pokemon Center near here, let's go! The two return the pokemon to the pokeballs and go to the center. Rye and Riko ask Nurse Joy to heal their pokemon. Within a few moments, the pokemon are healed. Rye and Riko got into Mt. Moon. Riko says, "do you have a Ground Rock or a Steel pokemon?" Rye says "I have a Steel pokemon." Riko says "I can teach Aron Earth Quake." Rye says ok. Aron learns it in two minutes, and says thank you to Riko. Riko says "can you teach my Rhyhorn Flame Thrower?" Rye says "yes." In two nimutes Rhyhorn learns Flarme Thrower. Rye and Riko start walking and see Chris is puting pokemon in cages. Rye and Riko ask "why are you puting pokemon in cages?" Chris says" I'm from Team Pinsir." Rye and Riko say "we will stop you." Chris says "go Machamp battle me!!! " Rye and Riko say "ok we will battle you."

Rye says "go Aron." Riko says "go Rhyhorn." Chris says Machamp "use Cross Chop." Rye says "Aron dodge and use Iron Tail", and Riko "says Rhyhorn dodge
and use Flarme Thrower." Aron and Rhyhorn dodged Cross Chop. Chris says "Machamp dodge and use a Brick Break on Aron. Machamp dodged Flarme Thrower, but got hit by Iron Tail. Rye says "Aron dodge and use Head Butt." Riko "says Rhyhorn use Earth Quarke". Machamp gets hit by Head Butt and Earth Quake. Chris says "Machamp use Hyper Beam. Aron and Rhyhorn get hit by Hyper Beam. Rye says "Aron use Iron Tail." Riko says "Rhyhorn use Horn Attack." Chris says "Machamp dodge and user Hyper Beam." Machamp dodged Iron Tail and Horn Attack. Rye says, "Aron stand up." Riko says, "Rhyhorn get up." Rye says. Aron use Earth Quake." Riko says Rhyhorn use Earth Quarke also." Machamp faints. Chris says, "Machamp return!", and Chris starts running. Rye and Riko help the pokemon out of the cages. Riko says "see you later" and starts runing. A trainer named Will says, "would you like to battle?" Rye says, "yes!" Will says, "go Pidgeotto!!" Rye says, "go Quilava!" Will says "Pidgeotto usa Quick Attack." Rye says "Quilava dodge and use Flame Wheel." Quilava dodegd the attack and did some damage. Will says "Pidgeotto use Wing Attack." Rye says "Quilava use Quick Attack. Quliava and Pidgeotto got some demage. Will says "Pidgeotto use Fly Now." Rye says, "Quilava use smokescreen." Pidgeotto's attack was missed. Suddenly, Quliava is learning Swift. Rye says, "Quliava use Swift." Will says, "Pidgeotto use Quick Attack now!" Pideotto and Quilava suffer a lot of damage. Rye says, "Quilava use Quick Attack and Swift at full power." Will says, "Pidgeotto use Quick Attack and Wing Attack at full power." Suddenly, an explosion occurs and Quilava is stll standing. Pidgeotto faints. The two trainers shake hands and Will says, "That was a great battle. I haven't had one in days."

Rye is halfway through the cave when a bug trainer wants to battle him. Rye says yes to the battle. The bug trainer's name was Vincent. Vincent chooses Bedrill. Rye sends out Charmeleon and says "use Flame Thrower" and wins. Vincent says, "that was really fast." Rye is out of the cave and it is night fall. He says to himself that he better make camp. The next morning, he woke up and he started training his Nidoran. When he was half way through Nidoran's training, Nidoran evolved to Nidorino. He says "great, I have a Nidorino."

To be continued..................

 

[skiboydoggy]

This is really... Really... Sad... One battle is usually a single chapter for most fics for good reason.
Plus, you do not add a random trainer into battle for no apparent reason just so you can win.
Double plus, your language sucks.
Triple plus, you have basically no wilds and your Pokemon evolve and learn moves like nobody's buisness.
(Rhyhorn with Flamethrower?)
Quad plus, your battles are way too easy. A Rhyhorn/Quilava team can never beat a Machamp thank-you-very-much.

I give it a 0.5/10

This is the worst piece of writing I ever read. You put Pokemon fic-ers to shame.

 

[Dark Lava]

^ok I read the first chapter from your dare.

;384;spirit of rayquaza rules

 

[Flames Galore]

Jeez, you can't even use proper spelling when trying to curse me out. Well, if you "dan't" like me, I "dan't" like you. Also, don't act like I have something against you and that's why I gave you a bad rating. While I may have been somewhat harsh, I was being completely truthful in my rating and critique. Besides, which is worse, 0.000000000000000000001 out of 10 that I gave you, or the WTFOMGROFLMFAO/10 the other reviewer gave you. Inside, I was trying to convince myself that this is some prank fic or newbie parody or something, but now I see that this is really your best work, and after seeing chapter 2, I realize you have convinced yourself that the way you write is just fine, in fact, you think that your story is fantastic, and that I am a mean person who's full of BS. Well, I have news for you. I may be mean sometimes, but I'm not full of BS. In fact, all of my points are perfectly valid ones. Once again, too many random battles, all of which are too easy for Rye, your plot doesn't flow one bit, and Rye's pokemon are learning moves at the speed of a mew at the Battle Frontier with infinite battle points. When did everyone in existance become a move tutor? At the same time they got their teleportation abilities? You asked us to tell you what we thought of your fic, and I did. It just suprised you because you expected endless compliments and praise, so you ignored my advice, hoping I was the odd one out in criticizing your story. I wasn't. Did you follow any of my points? What about the "how can you justify any two attacks exploding"?

Quilava use Quick Attack and Swift at full power." Will says, "Pidgeotto use Quick Attack and Wing Attack at full power." Suddenly, an explosion occurs and Quilava is stll standing. Pidgeotto faints.

What the hell? Did a wandering geodude decide to selfdestruct or something? How do those attacks explode. Can you describe the battle?

The small bird's wings glowed a shining white before rushing at the quilava with a blinding speed, slamming hard into it.

Try reading my questions from my first post. If Rye got a bagon, he'd train it by telling it to use ember once, and suddenly, after one use of ember, it would evolve into a Dragonite because the author forgot that bagon eventually evolve into Salamences. He would also skip the second evolution because it was boring. The Dragonite would then leard "ultra-mega-hyper-attack of doom" because a passerby offered to teach it to him. It would then evolve into a Rayquaza for no apparent reason, and crush all of Rye's opponents into surrender, and Rye would become king of the world after one ember attack. He would then magically end up on another planet (he must've practiced his magic teleporting) and have a journey there, where a magikarp he caught would evovle into lugia. Get my point? Once again, no description at all. I'm still not sure if Rye is a robotic Mr. Potato Head (I try do believe so because it's funny), and what Charmander looks like. Now you could tell me that I should know what Charmander looks like because every pokemon fan should, but I could put a dancing glob of spit in a story and name it Charmander, and if I didn't describe it, you'd think it was an orange fire lizard! Because you didn't even make an effort to improve, the rating stands.
Still 0.000000000000000000001 out of 10. Still a bad story. Still an embarrassment, and still the best real world example of "an letter of complaint" available. *Sigh* Maybe one day you'll actually listen to my review.

 

[Clare]

I think I'll have to agree with the previous reviews, but I would also like to add this - Cyndaquil is spelt with a Y, not an I like you've been spelling it. Also, do try to think of a plotline that's different from the usual "kid who wants to be a Pokemon Master" deal. And I feel you shouldn't have made Cyndaquil evolve so early in the story; wouldn't it have needed to gain a little more experience first? Maybe having it evolve a few chapters in would have been better . . .

Anyway, my advice would be for you to work on your writing. At the moment, all you've got is a load of stuff about what the characters did - no mention of what they are thinking and feeling. And a good character needs to be treated as if he or she was a real person complete with a personality and a past. You don't have to include every little detail about their backgrounds, but it does help the reader to visualise what is going on if you include just a few snippets of information.

Also, like Nara_Shikamaru said, don't respond to constructive criticism with childish flames about how "mean" the critic is. They are only trying to help you and yelling at them isn't going to win you many friends.

Now, before you do anything else with this, click on the Advice For Aspiring Authors topic and spend some time reading through it.

 

[Starkid91]

I appreciate the help but at the same time I felt like I was getting slammed that's all, sorry.

 

[Starkid91]

History of Characters

Rye is 10 years old. He likes to skateboard, surf and research and study pokemon. Rye is from a town called Ishutown. He has an older brother Greg who is 20 years old and takes care of Rye because their parents have died in an accident. Rye's favorite pokemon are Fire, Dark and Dragon types however his absolute favorite pokemon is Tyranitar because he loves dinosaurs and this pokemon looks kinda like one. He would like to catch a Tyranitar, Gyarados, Dragonite and an Arcanine. One day Rye would like to challenge and beat the Elite Four and become the ultimate champion. Rye will never forget the time that he went on a vacation with Riko and his other brother Nick and found a ghost town and the people were being terrorized by Gastly, Haunter, Gengar, and a Duskull. Nick saved the day when he scared all of the ghost pokemon away by using a Rhidon, Tyranitar and a Agron.

Riko is also 10 years old and best friends with Rye since they were really young, about 3 years old. He is from Ishutown as well. Riko's older brother is Nick who is 22 years old. Riko's favorite pokemon types are Steel, Ground and Rock. He would like to catch his all time favorite pokemon, Rhydon because his brother had one. Riko's brother allowed him to play with this pokemon. Riko would also like to catch a Nidoking, Nidoqueen and an Skarmory. One day, Riko would like to own his very own gym. Both Rye and Riko like to tease Rosa because she's so smart.

Rosa is 10 years old and has lived in the same town as Rye and Riko. Rosa loves the water. She often visits the ocean and plays with the water pokemon. Her favorite pokemon types are Grass, Flying and Water. Rosa's favorite pokemon is a Tropius. Among the one's she wants to catch are, Salamence, Sharpedo, Meganium and of course a Tropius. Rosa is very smart. She likes to watch pokemon battles at the stadium to study their attacks and to learn what moves each pokemon can learn.

Rye, Riko and Rosa have went on a journey to become pokemon champions. However, Rye's destiny will change.

 

[AtmaWeapon]

I usually stop past to read some fanfics and never wrote a critique or commented on anything before, but this time I felt a need to jump in...

I too was reading Starkid's fanfic but thought it was kinda harsh to say from the beginning that it was horrible. All the advice given to him is cool and he probably is new to writing fan fics and I think he needs to be cut some slack. It also wasn't right for him to curse anyone out, but I bet he was angry because he came up with what he thought was a good and fun story to write and people immediately jumped on him.

I'm not trying to start anymore unnecessary back and forth arguments or what not, but maybe we should focus more on helping rather than such negativity. Everyone is at a different level here (for writing and making fics) I'm sure it hurts to read that someone gave u a .00000000001 or an OMFG.1 especially if they were really trying. I think advice is all that is needed...

OK, I'm off the stage now LOL, just my 2 cents!

Atma

 

[Flames Galore]

Starkid91, I'm sorry if you feel slammed and I'm sorry for being harsh, but the plain truth is that you will need to follow my advice and change the way you write, and create a more original, interesting plot with good description if you want people to read and enjoy your story.

 

[Starkid91]

Atma,

Thanks for defending me. I am new to writing these fanfics.

Flames,

Thanks for the advice, I just get a little angry FAST.

Starkid

 

[Starkid91]

Chapter 3 Part 1

Rye returns Nidorino to his pokeball and feels happy that he has one. Rye and Riko gather their belongings and start to walk to Cerulean City. Riko decides to go to see Bill at the research center in Evatstown. They say their goodbyes for now when Rye noticed that all of the power was out in Cerulean city. He arrived to the city and bumped into a familiar face. It was Nick, Riko's other brother. Rye was suprised to see Nick in Cerulean City and asked why he was here. Nick replied, "Because I am trying to solve the mystery of this power shortage." Rye immediately thinks that the source of the problem could be the power plant. Nick starts walking and Rye closely follows him. They arrive to the power plant and a man starts running out toward them. Nick grabs the man and asked in a loud voice, "What happened here?!" The pokemon have taken over the power plant! Nick releases the man and he immediately runs away. At least they know what has caused the power outage. Nick and Rye walk into the power plant to discover what the man said was really true. Suddenly a Zapdos flies in joined with a Jolteon. Now Nick and Rye are cornered and must battle. Rye sent out Quilava and Nick sent out Rhydon. Rye tells Quilava to use Flame Wheel on Jolteon and Nick tells Rhydon to use Rock Blast on Zapdos. Jolteon dodged Flame Wheel and used Thunderbolt as a counter attack. Zapdos used Drill Peck to break the rocks from Rhydon's attack. Rye commands Quilava to use Swift. Nick shouts, "Rhydon, use Horn Drill, NOW!" But Zapdos was able to evade the attack. Jolteon took damage from Swift and then Rye commands Quilava to use Quick Attack while Jolteon is suffering from damage. However, Jolteon evasively jumps and uses Pin Missle causing minimal damage. Nick tells Rhydon to use Mega Horn but it did not inflict much damage. Jolteon retaliates by using Thunder and Rye commands Quilava to use Smoke Screen and dodges the attack from Jolteon. Rhydon attacks with Flame Thrower and Zapdos dodged it and used Agility. Nick again commands Rhydon to use Rock Blast and asks Rye to use Flame Thrower as a combination attack on Zapdos. Together, Rye and Nick command their pokemon to use their best attacks in combination to forcefully take out Zapdos. However, the battle scene errupted in what looked like a meteor shower pelting Zapdos and Jolteon. Suddenly Jolteon and Zapdos use Thunder creating a massive explosion. The smoke cleared and the four pokemon were still standing. Rye shouts, "Quilava, use Flame Wheel at maximum power at Jolteon!" and Nick shouts for Rhydon do use Horn Drill again. Zapdos and Jolteon use their Thunder attacks together creating a huge thunderstorm. Rye thinks quickly and commands Quilava to go under Rhydon to be protected from the potentially harmful attacks. The thunderbolts hit Rhydon and have no effect. Nick suggests to Rye that they must try the combination once more at maximum power to attack both of enemy pokemon. Suddenly, they command their pokemon to use their combination attacks together which created what looked like a mass destruction force that exploded within the battlefield. The smoke was thick and the trainers were unsure of the result. As the smoke cleared, Rhydon and Quilava were still standing barely because their meteor attacks inflict damage to all pokemon on the field. However, they were victorious! Rye captured Jolteon and Nick threw an ultraball to get Zapdos.

A man starts running into the power plant and thanks Rye and Nick for saving the plant and gives them ten rare candies for their efforts. The man quickly leaves the trainers as quickly as he came. Rye and Nick continue to walk further into the power plant and Rye trips on a switch. Suddenly a huge door opens to what appears to be a laboratory. Nick exclaims, "What the heck is that?!"

..................to be continued..............After such a harsh battle, Rye and Nick thought their job was done. But now they stumble upon another mysterious part of the already mysterious power plant. What will they find behind the doors of the laboratory? Stick around to find the answers to this new mystery unfolding!

 

[Starkid91]

Chapter 3 Part 2

Rye and Nick slowly creep into the laboratory and discover pokemon in cages. There were three pokemon that were in some kind of capsules. They approach the three pokemon and they wake up and break open the capsules. The pokemon were, Shadow Moltres, Shadow Steelix and a Shadow Tyranitar. The Moltres flies out of the room, followed by Tyranitar running out of the laboratory, and Steelix digs his way out. Rye and Nick look at each other in complete confusion. A man in a lab coat appears out of nowhere and exclaims, "I knew it was only a matter of time that my special place would be discovered". A teenager steps out from behind one of the cages and shouts, "Dr. Jarvis! I knew I would find you!" Rye and Nick remain totally confused, not an idea of what's going on. The teenager shouts to Dr. Jarvis, "I finally caught up to you!" "No tricks this time Lloyd!", exclaimed the Dr. The shadow pokemon became stirred in their cages and some of them were able to break loose. Rye and Nick looked at each other and wondered if the pokemon that they captured were also Shadow Types. They were starting to figure out that their Zapdos and Jolteon must have come from these cages. Rye shouts, "Hello! We're still here! What's going on!?" About five years ago, Team Dark started a new project. It was a normal organization until Giovanni, the leader, came along and commanded that we make Shadow pokemon. Of course the organization retaliated but was defeated. Now we had no choice but to carry out his wishes. Giovanni thought that the three strongest pokemon, Moltres, Zapdos and Articuno would the best choice for the beginnings of the new Shadow pokemon lab. One by one they were captured and converted to Shadow pokemon. Lloyd was the trainer who caught the Shadow Articuno which has set up the rivalry between the Dr. and him. The Dr. walks over to his computer and sets a detonation program to destroy the entire lab. Lloyd screams, "What are you crazy!? There are still pokemon in here!" "Since my lab has been been discovered by those two, I don't have a choice but to destroy it." "The lab will be destroyed in twenty minutes", replied Dr. Jarvis. Lloyd was yelling to Rye and Nick that all the pokemon must be saved before the lab is destroyed. The three work together to save all of the pokemon. The Dr. didn't seem to care what was happening, he felt as though his plans have been destroyed.

Rye, Nick and Lloyd escaped from the lab with all of the pokemon to Cerulean City in enough time to witness the explosion from a safe distance. However, all of the shadow pokemon that the trainers saved escaped into the wild. Lloyd said to the trainers, "Well I guess you have discovered Dark pokemon. You two, follow me." Rye and Nick follow Lloyd to a city called, Varmancea. They arrive to a building where they saw other trainers with their pokemon. Lloyd walks up to a man and said, "Chief, these two have found out about the Shadow pokemon." But no ordinary trainer can join the organization. However, Rye and Nick have already captured one shadow type each, a Zapdos and a Jolteon. The Chief recognized their merit and allowed them to join the organization. A man joins the conversation and asks the trainers if their shadow pokemon need healing. The Chief says, "Enough Kyle, we are in the middle of a conversation. Here, take their shadow pokemon and heal them. Now go!" Rye and Nick were commanded to have Lloyd bring them to an instructor in the next room.

................to be continued

 

[Starkid91]

Chapter 4

Lloyd opened the door. There were four dorms. Lloyd told Nick to go to the right door and told Rye to go on the left side. Rye opened the door and there were beds in the room. He unpacked his things and noticed that there was someone else in the room too. The other kid introduced himself as Zack. Zack's pokemon was Growlithe. In return, Rye introduced himself as well as his starter pokemon, Quilava. Suddenly they hear a whistle blowing. Rye looks around because he doesn't know what's going on. Zack says, "Oh there it is, we better go!" They run out of the room and toward the Battle Dome. They arrive and the Instructor yells, "Atten....TION! You will be battling with those who you dorm with." Zack prepares himself for battle and chooses his Mightyena. Rye decides to use his Nidarino. The battle begins and Zack tells Mightyena to attack with Bite and Rye commands his Nidarino to dodge the attack and use Poison Sting. Mightyena was hit by Poison Sting and used Bite in retalliation and successfully attacked the Nidarino. Rye tells his Nidarino to use the Double Kick attack while Zack commands to use Thief. Both pokemon take damage but the technique was unable to steal. Rye commands Nidarino to use Horn Attack and Zack's Mightyena attacks with Take Down. Again, each pokemon suffered damage. Nidarino used Fury Attack and Zack tries Take Down one more time. Both pokemon collide in midst of the attacks and appear to be very worn down. Zack tells his pokemon to use Bite and Nidarino dodges the attack and used Poison Sting. Mightyena retalliated with Take Down. Each pokemon fainted. Zack shouts, "Hey that was a good battle!" The Instruction again shouts, "Atten........TION! Get your starter pokemon out and run until you collapse!" Rye starts running with his Quilava and Zack is running with his Growlithe. An hour passed and it was now lunch time. Rye shouts, "Alright! It's lunch time, my favorite time of the day!" Zack says, "Follow me, I know where the lunch room is." Rye runs into the lunch room, grabs a plate and says, "I will have everything here!" The lunch server scoops a big glob of something onto Rye's plate. Rye says in a digusted voice, "Eeeww what is this, it looks like it was already eaten!" Zack laughs and says, "Ahh don't worry, you'll get used to it" and pats him on the back with a grin on his face and walks away.

A month later, Rye and Nick were done with their training. The mission ordered these trainers to capture the Dark pokemon, specifically, Moltres, Steelix and Tyranitar, as well as any others they come across. The Chief also told Rye and Nick to check out Team Magma and Team Aqua because they too have Shadow pokemon. They were informed that Team Magma had Arcanine, Blaziken, and Moltres and that Team Aqua had Gyarados, Sharpedo and Blastoise. In the ceremony, Rye received a Moonstone to evolve his Nidarino to a Nidoking. The Chief tells Rye to go to the Safari Zone. Rye checks out the Safari Zone and in the tall grass he noticed something shining, but Rye couldn't see exactly what it was. The object jumped out and attacked him. Rye falls down a hill and rolls into a tree which stopped his fall. A girl walks up to Rye and asks if he is ok. Rye replies that he's fine, it's just a bruise. The girls asks, "Aren't you Rye from Ishutown?" Rye says, "Umm yea, I am from Ishutown, but you look oddly familiar." Suddenly Rye remembers the face and shouts, "Aren't you Riku?!" Riku smiles and asks how he knows that. Rye laughs and says lucky guess! The two start walking and Rye notices the shining figure again. Suddenly, it jumps from the grass and attempts to use Slash on Rye. Rye jumps to the side and dodges the attack. He remembers that this was the first pokemon that he ever met. Rye tries to talk to Scyther, but it seemed useless as it continued to attack. Rye was hurt with some cuts and bruises. Riku shouts, "C'mon, use a pokemon, you're a trainer aren't you?!" Rye refuses to fight and continues talking to the pokemon and becomes injured even further. Rye grabs Scyther's shoulders and tries to talk to him one more time. Scyther was about to attack with another Slash and Rye shouts, "Don't you remember me? I was your friend a long time ago!" Scyther becomes still and takes a few steps back. It appeared as though Scyther was evolving as a large shining light was emitting from its body. Scyther evolved into Scizor. Rye remembers putting a metal coat on Scyther when he was younger. Rye says, "Scizor, do you remember me?" Scizor nods his head and the spell was broken. Riku says, "Wait a minute, that's not a normal Scizor, it's a shining one!" Rye asked Scizor if he'd like to be a part of the team. Scizor nods his head and unexpectingly picks Rye up and the crew walk to the nearest hospital to take care of Rye's injuries.

to be continued.........