I highly suggest you go back and read the RPG Stickies; you need to lean how to build a proper RP, because this one was really bad. It was all much too vague, not explained in enough detail, a poorly-developed plot, and you made a horrible Sign Up. And it doesn’t take two minutes to write up- it tales a LOT longer- more thought must be put into it, and it should be written on Microsoft Word or a similar program.
Hiro and Lance: deceased.
Explain who these people are, what they have done, why they are being mentioned. This doesn’t tell us much about the time frame of the story- if they died from old age, we know it takes place a good 50 years after the Animé/Games, but you didn’t say. Were they killed?
Teams Aqua, Magma, and Rocket: planning something dangerous.
Briefly explain these ‘Teams’, what they do, their past goals, Leaders and sorts of members. Be more specific: what are they planning, how do we know it’s dangerous, etc. etc. etc.
It all leads to a big case which was recently exposed involving stealing Pokemon, power training them and evolving them.
What sort of case was it? Who was involved? What were the results? Who prospered and who didn’t.
Mike's old mentor, Hiro, and his freind, Lance, were the first to uncover this secret.
Who is Mike? What does he have to do with the story? Is he your character? You never start talking about your own character in the plot! The plot revolves around events, not your own character. This is the most obvious thing about RP plots that anyone knows.
Both of them were killed by team Rocket.
Oh, NOW you tell us. This should have been mentioned before. Also, tell us WHEN and WHY. Who, specifically, in Team Rocket killed them, and why?
There has been evidence showing that "Illusive Eyes Scott" was involved.
Who is this person and what does he have to do with the story? In what way was he involved?
Although Battle Frontier hasn't been shut down, it has been suspicous there lately.
Explain. Elaborate. Exactly WHAT has been going around there that has been so ‘suspicious’? What was going on? Were there aliens or something?
On top of this secret organization, a war is going on. Pokemon War IV to be accurate.
What ‘secret organization’? You never spoke of one.
What about the other ‘Pokémon Wars’? Give us details- locations, dates, names, REASONS.
People are being drafted to Fight against rebelionous trainers.
What are these trainers doing that people are being recruited to fight them? WHO is being drafted, and how?
Mike (who is me) is in fear he may be drafted as well.
This has NOTHING to do with the main plot, so it shouldn’t be included. Things pertaining to your character belong in your Sign Up.
"Here we are Chupi... The Frontier!" said Mike walking forward. "Chupi remmeber, we here becuase Hiro had asked me to check tis place out before he died." said Mike. Chupi stopped walking and gave an angry sigh. "Ok fine, we'll check out the sights as well. But no candy, your in training I might get drafted." said Mike. The two walked onward as the sun went down...
Again, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with the main plot, so it should only be in the Sign Up. Then again, it makes close to no sense- where is this taking place, when, what’s going on (not only TO them, but AROUND them), and Hell, if you’re going to have a scene like this, describe your character and tell us who the Hell Chupi it.
Are the two problems mixed? Why isn't the Government stepping in? What was Scotts purpose for the Frontier anyway? It's up to you to find out!
Now you’re back to talking about the plot? Wow, how long is YOUR attention span?
And anyways, how is anyone supposed to find this out? What do they do? Where do they go? Who must they meet? Etc. etc. etc.
Form (I expect at least a couple sentences each except the first three)
I laugh at that. Seriously, YOUR Sign Up should be the example everyone is supposed to follow, but you didn’t even follow your own guidelines! ALL your areas are WAY too short! Seriously, read the Sticky titled
Sign-up's- PLEASE READ, as you don’t seem to know how to make a proper Sign Up.
Mclenz said:
Name: Mike
Description: Mike is average height. He often wears a blue jacket wit ha green shirt and black/grey jeans. He has grey blue hair with a red hat and white skin.
Easier Shown than said:
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y233/Mclenz/11aamike.png
Personality: Loves adventure! He gets angry though, and when he does watch out! And on the other token he's a very kind hearted person. He once helped a Pichu back to health when it was attacked by angry Geodude, the Pichu was his first Pokemon
History:Born and raised in Verdanturf Hoenn. He had a fairly easy childhood, despite not having a lot of money, and had good honest parents. He attended both a Pokemon grade school and high school, and finished Pokemon College (Only lasts 2 years).
Pokemon:Pichu (Chupi)
-Volt tackle
-Thunderbolt
-Return
-Thunder Wave
Description: pictures aren’t acceptable, and you can’t describe a person in a single sentence. Is he fat or thin? Strong or weak? How tall is ‘average height’? Does he even have eyes? And nobody can have white skin.
Personality: WAAAAY too short. I can’t even DESCRIBE to you how little you told us about him.
History: That tells us close to NOTHING about hi. Again, I rtefuse to spoon-feed you and tell you what you should have added.
Pokémon: does Chupi look different than other Pichu? How old is Chupi? What gender is Chupi? What sort of personality does it have?
Also, you need to tell us what to specify when Signing Up Pokémon. How many attacks can they have, what Pokémon can we have- babies? Fully-evolved? LEGENDARIES? How many?
A Mod will probably close this, just because it shows how you blatantly ignored all the Stickied Threads giving advise on RPG writing, Signs Ups and everything in between.
~Psychic
