Porygons, Mew's, MissingNo's, oh my! (Pg-13 for minor language and some violence)

[ZGDK]

Welcome to my fan-fic, Porygon's, Mew's, MissingNo's, oh my! This story takes place in the REAL WORLD.

​

PROLOUGE

Technology has been with us since the dawn of time, slowly advancing. It's no wonder it has gotten to the point, space exploration, mysterious demensions all our doing! Some good things have come from technology, like being able to cure deadly diseases, some bad things like the Atomic Bomb. However if it wasn't for technology some of the most exciting things would have never happend! In fact I'm about to tell you a story that takes us back to the years of space travel and exploration, the most imporant year, 1969!

CHAPTER ONE: EVIL BREWS​

The scientist walked out of the building carrying a red cashmeire pillow with gold trim lace, upon it sat a Porygon2, it was a sunny, breezey day on Cinnibar, Hawaii, a small island with a gigantic labratory. It was the day they would unvail the next step in Porygon technology, Porygon2! "Friends, famliy, couleages", the scientist announced. "Ten years ago we created Porygon, the first virtuial reality Pokemon, today we are about to show you the next step in space exploration technology! PORYGON2!" It looked like a duck in a way, but it wasn't a bird, just had a duck bill, sort of. After the ceremony, there was a ginourmous feast, out side, suddenly lightning crackled! Dark storm clouds gathered, and Porygon2 fell unconcious! Seeping out of him was a ghost-like creature. Chlidren scream, women shriked, men shouted! Then a dark voice came... "Free, free at last from that glitched demension!" it cried. "Wh-what are you?" bellowed the scientist. "Not what... WHO!!!! And you may call me MissingNo! Master of the Gltiched Demension! Prince of Programms, the most vile virus in the universe!" annouced MissingNo. "Someone call the government, the military, MY MOTHER!!!!" bellowed an onlooker. "Wh-What, the he** do you want?" the scientist stuttered. "I-I want to conquer THIS demension. The one of no glitches!!!!" MissingNo replied...

To be continued... check out Chapter Two, Trial and Error, coming soon!

 

[ZGDK]

CHAPTER TWO: TRIAL AND ERROR​

"Will the defendant please rise." the judge raspily asked. "Your honor, I had no idea that would happen to Porygon2, we debuged the whole system when we were complete" the scientist answered as he stood. "Listen, this is a court of law, I just can't... oh who am I kidding?" the judge replied. Sitting in a chair next to him, "Snesal, Seneas, SNESAL!!!", it mimiced. "WILL YOU SHUT THE HE** UP??? WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET SOME DA** PEACE AROUND THIS JOINT!!!!????" the judge bellowed. "Your honor, this man put us all in...." the prosocuter stated as the scientist interrupted... "Listen, I have no idea what MissingNo is, or the glitched dimension, I DON'T EVEN HAVE A LAYWER!!!" the scientist stated. Then in walked a man in a buisness suit and sunglasses. "Did someone say, laywer?" he asked. his Persian followed. I can help at really no extra cost. Just have to do something for me in return. "Now you listen here young man... it's no use" the judge announced. "What kind of favor?" the scientist asked. "Later, I'll tell you later..." the man replied.

Later that evning...

"What did you mean by favor?", asked the scientist. "Well I represent a crminal orginization named Hybrid...."

To be continued...

 

[Klaus]

Well, for one thing, these are just a bunch of paragraphs. They really don't give off a story and doesn't have that much description.

The good part is that it does interest me with the usage of Porgon2, but I really couldn't get the drift of what you were saying.

I'm afraid that if you don't shape up this one will get closed.

I'm sorry, but please read other people's fic's and The Advice of Aspring Authors. Hope that helps.


As always, be kind to the mime. ;122;

 

[Dias]

I'm afriad Klaus is correct. There need to be some changes in this fic for it to stay open. Primarily the length is the issue; it would be wise to shoot for at least about 3 pages but it should definately not be any shorter than one page on a standard word processor. You also need to break up the block of text into new paragraphs when someone new is speaking. I'll direct you to the Rules and Advice threads stickied in this forum. This will be closed lest improvements are made.

Advice: http://serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19
Rules: http://serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=96993

 

[ZGDK]

Tell me if this is better. It may not be one page, I just type them here, not on word.

CHAPTER THREE: PHONE CALLS, CLONES, ATTACKS​

The scientist gasped in horror at the mention of Hybrid. "No, you can't be serious, you're joking!" he told the man. "I'm afraid I'm not" the man replied. "Listen, buddy, I'm in enough trouble as it is already, I don't need the entire US Government on my back!" the scientist proclaimend. "Listen, I have to go now, but don't worry the government is scared to death of us!" the man told the scietist, "I'll call you tonight to disscuss our plans over."

Well, it was 11:00 before the scientist got any calls. He was sitting in his small apartment in San Francisco, it was dark when the phone let out a BRIIINNNNGGGG!!! "First of all I'm Agent 2410, next we need your help in creating a clone... of the legendary Mew" Agent 2410 explained. "A-A clone? But the results could be catastrophic!" he replied. "Listen, you don't want to go to the "Big House" right?" Agent 2410 asked. "Well, no, but where would you get the DNA of Mew?" the scientist asked. "Don't worry, we've got it all under control!" answered Agent 2410.

Porygon2 seemed to be fine, he had become Barty's companion, Barty is the scientist, Barty never owned any Pokemon and was thrilled with Porygon2, it had been a LV.100 Pokemon abadoned by it's trainer. "Well what attacks do you know?" Barty asked Porygon2 after getting off the phone. Porygon2 proudly displayed Physcic, Ice Beam, Thunderbolt, and Recover. "Woah! Why on Earth did that trainer of yours abandon you?" Barty asked when it gre dark...

 

[PDL]

Tell me if this is better. It may not be one page, I just type them here, not on word.

don't write fics directly onto here then! it's best to type them up on word, plus it's best to work on them for more then 10 minutes at least, depending on your typing speed.

plus there's no spellcheck.

 

[Evanarios]

Ok dude, first lets look at the spelling errors.

demensions to DIMENSIONS
happend to HAPPENED
imporant to IMPORTANT

cashmeire to CASHMERE
breezy to BREEZY
labratory to LABORATORY
unvail is not a word, so change to UNVEIL
famliy to FAMILY
couleages to COLLEAGUES
virtuial to VIRTUAL
Chlidren to CHILDREN
shriked to SHRIEKED
Gltiched to GLITCHED
Programms to PROGRAMS


Thats for the Prolouge and Chapter 1... Chapter 2 also has many more spelling errors. I would suggest MICROSOFT WORD

Why? It gives you the spelling errors, and grammar. Thus more readers, and better reviews... Thus a better Fan-Fiction all together .

Also I must mention the chapters are short, and I reccomend making them larger, if you want. Also try to paragraph things.

Anway dude good luck, and I hope you follow some of my things, if you don't oh well.

Good ay!

~Evanarios

 

[ZGDK]

I did this one on Word. It was about two pages long.

CHAPTER FOUR: THE PAST…

“C’mon P2!” Barty called. “There’s nothing like a nice bath at the end of the day! Hey P2! I like it, yeah, I’ll call you P2!” Barty exclaimed. He had a big marble bathtub, with a divider in the middle. “One side is for you P2.” Barty told him.

P2 was like a little child at bath time. He jumped around doing tricks when Barty noticed a scar on his stomach. Barty asked “P2, did… did your old trainer abuse you?” P2 shook his head in sadness. “Well, don’t you worry; we’ll make sure they get what they deserve!” Barty announced.

Several days later…

With Barty’s lawyer he managed to quickly finish the trial. Then it was time for him to head to Hybrid World HQ! “Mr.Barty? My boss would like to have a word with you! P2 and Barty walked into a golden-walled office studded with diamonds. There was a desk made of pure silver and behind it sat… THE WOMAN who sued Barty! She was wearing a gray business suit and tacky gray sweatpants. “Y-You! You’re the head of Hybrid!?” Barty shouted aloud! “Well I bet you haven’t even figured out that the whole trial was a scam!” she told him. P2 hurriedly creped out from behind Barty… “You! YOU’RE THAT PORYGON I DITCHED ALL THOSE YEARS BACK!!!” Hybrids head screeched!

To be continued…

 

[Missingno. Master]

Well, length is an issue here, I must admit. Maybe if you consolidated all the chapters into one big one-shot, it would be slightly better, but never perfect in my eyes. Sorry, but I could never appreciate a fanfic that cast Missingno. as the bad guy.