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Power (PG-15)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by LampShade, Dec 27, 2009.

  1. LampShade

    LampShade Fanfiction Writer

    Hi there. I have come from another Pokemon community in search of critique and praise alike, in order to better myself as a writer. I hope you enjoy this story. If non-action fanfiction isn't quite your cup of tea, I suggest that you not read this story.

    Also, if you are planning to comment on the story, I suggest you comment by chapter. There's a lot to read.


    This fanfiction is dedicated to no one. Through my words, I present the crux of my beliefs and ideas and leave them open to anyone who wishes to be enlightened.

    Table of Contents
    Note: Not all chapters displayed are posted.

    Chapter 1 - Ideologies of a Demagogue
    Chapter 2 - I Learn How to Write
    Chapter 3 - Disastrous News and the Invisible Monster
    Chapter 4 - I Listen to a Story
    Chapter 5 - How Objectivity Pertains to Legendary Creatures
    Chapter 6 - I Escape the City
    Chapter 7 - First Mission: Introduction to Life
    Chapter 8 - I Make a Friend
    Chapter 9 - The Ideology of a Flagrant Consumerist
    Chapter 10 - I Do Not Like This World
    Chapter 11 - Second Mission : The Town of Innocence and Disease

    Prologue

    Helo.

    This my firs time writng.

    I m going to writ about th things that th big man says. I m going to do this so that I can rember everything that he tels me.

    The big man say that I m being branewashd. He say that I m a mindles human with no personality and no emoton. He say that this is not good. I do not understand what he is teling me. I do not understand what good means.

    The big man say that I can sav the world. He say that the world is in danger. He say it is filed with coruption, opression, war, and death. He say that I will becom a hero and I will save th world if I let him teach me things. I do not understand th big man. He can not seem to explain to me what th words corruption, opression, war, and death mean. He also can not explain to me what hero means.

    Th big man say that I m being treated in a bad way. He say that I m a human, but I m a slave. He say that I m a beast and a brute. He say that I hav been twisted into the shap of a hideous monster.

    I do not know what monster is.

    Chapter 1 - Ideologies of a Demagogue

    Her demeanor was menacing. Possessing a grim face marked with icy gray eyes, horridly pale skin, and vicious chapped lips, the morose looking girl stood at the front desk of the county library. The way she tilted her eyebrows would make any commoner’s spine tingle. The young fled from her, the old shunned her. The casual adventurer would try to avoid her, and the nobles would sneer at her. There was something in her eyes, something in her face, which told everyone that she did not want company, and she did not need company.

    There were only two things that made the seventeen year old girl somewhat bearable: Her figure and her hair. Seemingly out of place, her smooth, straight, silky brown hair rolled down her shoulders and stopped just shy of her slim waist. Her hair shone whenever she was under a light, which was common, since she worked in the library every day. She wore a leather black trench coat and black leather gloves, along with black leather boots. Her boots weren’t high-heels. She didn’t wear makeup. She seldom smiled.

    A chubby young boy named Robert, roughly eleven years old, skipped through the library doors. Eager to research on his new biology project, but still fairly new to the library, Robert headed straight for the front office. As he neared the front office, though, he began to wind down, and by the time he reached the girl’s desk, the joyful boy’s face had turned into a gloomy one.

    The girl sighed, rolling her eyes. “What do you need this time? Do you plan on checking out the whole shelf of biology books?”

    “Uh-” The stout, freckled, and red haired figure hesitated at first, remembering the last time he visited; Robert had checked out twelve chemistry books because he couldn’t decide which ones to read first. The pump boy’s glasses drooped, but he quickly pushed them back up with a stubby finger. He sniffed. “As a matter of fact, I do plan on checking out some biology books today. Can you please show me to the section on creatures-”

    “Hold on a second.” The girl quickly typed some numbers onto her keyboard and scanned the screen. Her apathetic tone pierced Robert’s skin. “You still have fines. Three of the chemistry books that you checked out were turned in a week after they were due. You owe us 150 leptons.”

    Robert replied, crestfallen. “Um… well, I don’t really have any money at the moment… I totally forgot about that one time...” The distressed boy trailed off and looked into the girl’s eyes, hoping for some mercy. He began to plead. “Please, I need those biology books as soon as possible so that I can start on my research project for school. It’s about creatures - I’m studying the habitats of the creatures near the Ghost Town-”

    What?” The girl suddenly looked up from the computer screen and swiftly glared at the boy with rage and contempt. “You honestly think you can study creatures that you cannot even see with those pathetic little eyes of yours?” she uttered in a menacing tone. After a pause, she curtly pointed towards the doors the Robert came from. “Get out. The library closes in fifteen minutes, and the library is also closed all day tomorrow. Sorry kid, but you can’t get your books. Now hurry; get out. What, do you think I’m joking?”

    By now, a couple of readers had looked up and few people were gathering at the front desk. But in a few seconds, the distraught Robert had already run out the double doors, blubbering and muttering something about never coming back. The girl, her face now somewhat colored with anger, swiftly swiveled her head, encountering numerous awkward glances and stares from several of the people there. The girl shoved out her temporary feelings of embarrassment and fury and began to get ready to close for the night.

    Her name was Sophia.

    The name meant wisdom.

    The world was nearing a tipping point. It had been nearly two centuries since the destruction of human civilization. The destruction, caused by a foolish creature tamer and his legendary creature, left little for the survivors of the apocalypse to work with. Despite this, governments formed, rules were established, and technological innovation flourished. Sadly though, a new worldwide trend of "Metropolis" centers had started plaguing the world. These centers, headed by the "Officials", used mechanized, emotionless humans to build up and protect the Metropolis. These Metropolis centers praised the idea of manipulating legendary creatures for the sake of the development of the human species. A minority group, which included Sophia, was worried that this may bring about a second Armageddon. The librarian dedicated herself to learning about the histories of the past, as well as keeping up with the current events around her, in order to help prevent the capture of these sacred creatures.

    “Knowledge is power,” she uttered, as she always did while exiting the library. The pale Sophia turned around to face the double doors and locked them up, when two hands suddenly grabbed her shoulders. She nearly jumped, but she managed to bottle up her surprise.

    “Knowledge may be power, but power corrupts.” The two firm hands turned her around so that Sophia stared at a rugged but nicely dressed man.

    Sophia knowingly glanced at him, shrugging off his hands. “Let me guess. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely?” She rolled her eyes.

    “Nope, not quite,” the man replied, chuckling. “There’s no such thing as absolute corruption.” The man’s jet black eyes flashed along with his black hair and his shining white teeth. He rubbed his hands together. “Whoo, its pretty cold out here. I figured an overcoat would keep me warm, but I’m still freezing!”

    Sophia dodged his comment, looking away and staring out into the street, which was lined with metal rails. It was nighttime in the large, urban city. A damp, dreary, and cloudy night hung over the gray skyscrapers, enveloping the city. Old style light posts illuminated the daft haze that surrounded its streets. Pedestrians and beggars, most in coats, with downcast faces, lined the sidewalks, a distant mumble in the pale girl’s ears. A few cars, their metal wheels attached to the icy rails, presented themselves out on the road at this time of the night, their presence sparse as the cheeriness of the dull urban sect. Sirens could be heard in the distance. A night club across the street was booming some kind of hip-hop music, music that was likely as vulgar as the people who were moving to its rhythm.

    “Hey, Sophie? You there?”

    Sophia quickly turned her head around again. “Ah, sorry. I just spaced out, that’s all,” she murmured sheepishly as the two teenagers began to head home.

    The man’s name was Eugene. Sophia had been in the same class with him ever since she had moved in a year ago. Eugene was quite the character. He had come from a long line of prominent creature-tamers. He owned a few hundred creatures and always kept a few with him, under his belt. But Eugene wasn't just fortunate. He was also a walking encyclopedia, which was what primarily drew Sophia’s interest when they met. Over time, the two became close friends. Eugene would occasionally do something really nice for her, like offer an umbrella on a stormy night, or donate a book to her vast collection of documentaries and novels. Admiring his intellectuality and kindness, Sophia began to have fleeting moments of attraction towards him. It was silently established that they had somewhat of an innocent affection for each other. Despite this, there was still tension. A deep scar ran between them on many particular issues, none of which either were too comfortable talking about.

    “So…” Eugene began. “How’s your uh… ghost thing doing?”

    “You mean Nightmare?” Sophia half-mumbled, half-inquired.

    “Uh, yeah… Gee, you give your creatures really weird nicknames.”

    The pale girl gave Eugene a peculiar look. “Come on, Eugene, does he really creep you out that much?” Sophia pulled a shining, glossy orb out of her pocket. The cold steel was painted red and white, with some of the white paint chipped off.

    Eugene flinched. “Uh, kind of. I mean, I know a lot about that cursed species and its sinister past. It’s not a pretty creature. Not only does it require special visual lenses to see, but it also freaks the hell out of me every time I do see it with those visual aids!”

    “Oh…” Sophia’s hair reflected the luminosity of a street light as the two passed by its faint glow. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

    Eugene quickly changed the topic. “Well, I hope that your part-time job at the library wasn’t too frustrating today…” Eugene received an upsetting glance from Sophia. “Um, well…” There was an awkward silence, followed by another question. “Did you almost get yourself fired again?”

    Sophia gave Eugene one of her menacing stares. “Please, Eugene. It’s not like this happens every day-”

    “Yeah, it happens almost every week. Come on, Sophia. Are you sure that job is right for you?”

    “It’s the only job I can get,” Sophia lied. She looked out into the street again. “Barely anyone else is willing to let me work for them. They all say that I’m too ‘sour’.”

    “Well hey; at least you’re not bitter. I’d rather have a lemon than a grapefruit for a f-”

    “You’re not helping.”

    More silence. There was a small crowd of people congesting the sidewalk up ahead.

    Eugene finally spoke. “Have you been wondering why I’m dressed up right now?”

    Making her way past a busy portion in the sidewalk, Sophia shook her head. Struggling to catch up, Eugene began to explain. “Well, okay. I’ll tell you anyways. So apparently, I’m going to be meeting with an Officer of the Metropolis tonight at midnight, sharp.”

    After she passed through the crowd, Sophia met Eugene’s excited eyes with her incredulous ones.

    “You’re kidding.” At first, the pale girl leered at the nicely dressed man, but then she turned away. “Eugene, I seriously don’t think we should be talking about this anymore if you’re going to continue to-”

    Eugene, still fervent with excitement, exclaimed, “No, no! Sophia, you don’t get it! This is perfect! I might get a once in a lifetime internship to their organization! Imagine that… and who knows? I might even recommend you-"

    “What? No!” Sophia turned back, her face ablaze. “Absolute power corrupts absolutely! You’re willing to participate in the most inhumane act this society has ever done! Do you know how cruel the Officers treat the people who live in the Metropolis?! You’re damning yourself, Eugene! You’ll be damning yourself if you even consider a job like that!”

    Eugene talked in a soothing voice. “Sophie, the Officers treat them with respect. Not like the world we live in today-”

    “Are you kidding me?” Sophia was shouting hysterically now, tears evident in her gray eyes. “They treat those people like robots! They have breeding grounds - yes, they freaking breed humans - and they have those damned computers that tell them every damned day what their damned task is and what their damned life is all about! They are never taught to love, or to feel joyful, or to-”

    “Or to what? Feel pain? Feel depressed?!” He menacingly stepped towards Sophia. Eugene’s mood swiftly changed, his voice increasing in volume and his eyebrows narrowing with every word. “Knowledge has corrupted you, Sophie.” The tone of his voice was filled with bitterness, spitefulness, and condescendence. “Look at you. You’re miserable all the time. You’re cynical. You think humans should all go to hell. You think society is terrible. You’re the depressed one, not them.” Eugene took a step back. “Don’t you understand? This Metropolis works - people across the world are increasingly agreeing that our society should be governed under such terms!

    “Look at the world around you. You all strive for knowledge. You all strive to live better lives. You all strive. That’s what makes people like you depressed. You’re never satisfied with yourself. You focus so much on climbing the mountain, to the point where you don’t even care about what’s on the other side anymore. And then you turn on everyone else and say they’re selfish? Look at you! All you care about are goals, goals, and goals! You want higher standards of living? Then I suggest leveling off that mountain and replacing it with something I like to call social well-being. In a true state of social well-being, we base our lives around working with each other, rather than striving for frivolous material gains.

    “That is what this world needs. We need to denounce our lonely struggle in the name of teamwork! We need to denounce our fervent ambition in the name of community! And we most definitely need to denounce our endless and futile questioning in the name of the people! To hell with progress! To hell with ambition! To hell with knowledge! To hell with pain!”

    By now, the demagogue had drawn a crowd far larger than the crowd Sophia had attracted in the library. The crowd consisted of people in trench coats, suits, and rags. There were ordinary looking pedestrians, fierce looking businessmen, downtrodden beggars, and even some intoxicated looking party goers. But Sophia wasn’t focused on that. Her vision was blurred; her cheeks hot with rage and shame, and her fists were clenched, full of regret, as well a little bit of doubt. By now, many people were clapping and cheering and chanting.

    "To hell with progress! To hell with ambition! To hell with knowledge! To hell with pain!”

    Eugene was madly laughing the whole time. The crowd started getting rough as the shoving, yelling, and confusion ensued. After taking in the whole scene, Sophia turned around and broke through the mob, pushing her way through, tears smeared on the arm of her trench coat. She ducked her head as she made her way back home, avoiding all people at all costs. But she was already used to avoiding all people. What was harder to avoid was Eugene’s words.

    "To hell with progress! To hell with ambition! To hell with knowledge! To hell with pain!”

    “No,” she spoke aloud to herself, “I’ll never accept that utopian mindset.” For a moment she smirked. “It’s…ridiculous!” Her smirk faded quickly, though, and she stopped and slowly gazed down at her feet. Eugene had a point. Sophia wasn’t exactly the happiest girl alive. She was never content with anything. Her life was dedicated to becoming an intelligent, open minded individual. Her life was miserable.

    What if Eugene was right?

    It started to rain.

    Sophia’s frosty gray eyes softened. Eugene had meant at least something to her. What was left was a gap in her heart, or rather, her brain. Gloomily walking towards her apartment, Sophia silently scolded herself- she should have seen this coming. She silently vowed to herself that she would never experience such attractive impulses for a guy like that again.

    After all, it wasn’t like any other guys would want to approach a girl with a nasty demeanor like hers.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2010
  2. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Hello - firstly welcome to the forums - don't get brainwashed by the green and you'll be fine. ;P

    An interesting beginning, this - a different take on the Pokemon world, certainly. The prologue was a nice way to begin - I'm already curious about this apparent brainwashing of the writer and others, and who this old man may be as well. (And whether he can actually be a hero). It's an odd but interesting concept that he doesn't know the meanings of those words and yet can write decently enough, although I suppose more light on that may be shed given the next chapter's title.

    As for the chapter, I also enjoyed that - Sophie was portrayed well, I thought, and your description is pretty nice at times too. The way Eugene suddenly seemed to change character when he began trying to spread his views was intriguing too, and well written I thought. I do feel it seems a bit odd for this character (am assuming Eugene = Eusine as he is asaik more usually referred to as) to suddenly state 'To hell with knowledge', although this may be more testament to this Metropolis' influence as well - nonetheless he does strike me as an odd choice of character for this role - can't say I've ever viewed him as one to forgo knowledge for such a thing, but that may be just my own view on him as a character from the games alone. (And if there's more of him to see, it's too early to judge anyhow).

    I also liked the focus on the line 'Absolute power corrupts absolutely' or variations of it - it was a nice touch I thought, and the repetition of sentence structure (like in the prologue, and the chapter in earlier moments for instance in describing Sophie) and especially of the chanting 'To hell...' was a good way to show even further the state of this world as well - enjoyable to read. You're writing style seems somewhat different to many, but it's rather good, IMO.

    Some suggestions mostly here:
    I assume referring to Robert as 'the Robert' was intentional (it happened a few times) but it did feel a bit odd to me - 'the boy' or just 'Robert' would have been better personally as it implies more that Robert is just a fancy robot rather than a boy who studies far too much... just something small I noticed.
    IMO it'd be better worded as 'But Eugene wasn't simply rich.' or '..wasn't all money and no brains' or something other than this - 'fortune' just sounds odd in this context, I feel.
    Wording here also sounds a bit odd - maybe '...your part-time job in the library wasn't too...' would be a better choice of words.
    Super minor - the quotation mark at the end there is around the wrong way. Told you it was minor. ;P
    'had attracted' twice in the one sentence seemed a weaker usage of repetition - in this case I'd suggest replacing/rewording one of them ('drawn' over one of them, for instance?)
    '...and the yelling, etc' sounds somewhat odd here - maybe replacing 'and the' with 'as' would work better here.

    Overall a good beginning, I feel - I look forward to reading more.
     
  3. Llama_Guy

    Llama_Guy Awesomely awesome

    This was a very interesting start to what has potential to be something rather awesome. I like how it seems to be intending to provoke some thoughts among the readers, and that is done in a quite good fashion. You write in a manner that's easy to read, and you know how to make a character seem like a human, and not just a... character. Got a real good vibe from this, so I'll follow this ;-)

    Some minor picks.

    Unless Robert is a separate species, there shouldn't be a "the" in there, IMO.

    This part seemed a bit awkward. When you describe her actions like that before letting her talk, it's better to use the speech description before the speech itself, so that just before her line you'd put something like "in a menacing voice, she uttered, "..."" Might just be a personal preference to me though ;p

    Redundant word.
     
  4. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    I'm getting a serious Galactic vibe from this. Is that intentional?
     
  5. LampShade

    LampShade Fanfiction Writer

    Thanks for all the revisions and suggestions you guys made. Bobandbill, I didn't intentionally do most of what you were suggesting I change - I merely have too many ways of saying one sentence, so I often get them mixed up. Oddly enough, I've gone through this chapter over three times, and I haven't picked up on any of the mistakes you guys have pointed out. I'll get to editing it in less than an hour! I'll post up chapter two after another person has posted. That is, unless I'm allowed to double post after a comment like this...
     
  6. LampShade

    LampShade Fanfiction Writer

    Chapter 2 - I Learn How to Write

    Th big man says that people and cities have something called a name. I do not think I have a name. I do not think that th city that I live in has a name. I m not sure if I believe th big man.

    Th big man says that I can stop myself from being branewashd. Th big man thinks that he can help me. He says that he will help me get a personality. I m trying to get a personality. Th big man tells me that a personality is what I need to truly live. He tells me that I need one to be happy. He tells me that I can feel so much more than I can feel now. Love, Hate, Pleasure, Pain. He tells me that he will try to give me a personality.

    I m not allowed to write. If They catch me writing, I will be punished and I will not be able to see th big man anymore. Th big man says that I will not get caught writing. I m not sure if I believe him.

    My duty is to watch eggs. I have to watch them in a warm room. Sometimes, th eggs break and thre is a strange, dark figure that appears from them. That is when They come. They tell me that I have done a good job, and They take away th creature. I do not know how many eggs I have watched. I have lost count. I have heard Them say that they use th creatures for protecting th city. They have said that th creatures have protected us for years. I do not know what this years is.

    Th big man says that he knows what years are. He says that you can’t see a year. He says that it is a unit of time. He is confusing. I do not know what he means by time.

    Th big man says that he will take me away from this place as soon as he can. I do not understand. I can not leave this place. It is imposible. That is what They said to me. It is imposible to leave this place. It is imposible to leave. I do not believe th big man.

    Th big man tells me many things. He tells me that I m trapped in a very bad place. I do not understand these words. I ask him what very bad is. He can not explain it to me. He says that once I get a personality, I will be able to understand what bad is. He says that I m being controlled. I do not understand this, either. He says that I m ignorant and that I need to be brought into th light. Th light that I know of is th very bright circle in th sky that I m not supposed to look at.

    I m also not supposed to look at Their eyes. If They catch me looking at their eyes, I will be punished. I have never been punished before. They say that once I m punished, I will not be able to watch th eggs anymore. They say that I will not exist. I do not want that. I want to watch over th eggs. Thre is something that keeps telling me to watch th eggs. I do not want to stop existing. I want to watch th eggs.

    We worship th great bird. I go with them when they tell me to. If I do not go with them, I will be punished. Th great bird is in a cage. They say that th bird is meant to be in th cage. But th big man said th bird is not happy. Th bird always hits th cage with its large, silver wings. It is very big. Th big man asks me if I’m scared, but I do not know what scared is.

    We learn how to read, but not how to write. That is why I m having trouble with my writing. My writing is also hard to read. Th big man says that I will get better at writing. He says that I need to write things down so I remember them. He says that I forget easily. I do not know what forget is.

    Th big man teachs me many things. He says that I m special.

    I do not know what special means.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2010
  7. Llama_Guy

    Llama_Guy Awesomely awesome

    Hmm, quite interesting, but you mustn't forget that the minimum chapter length is afaik two pages in Word. By that convention this is a short a half a page or so ;P

    But I'm intrigued by this story, and frankly, I want to know just what in the blazes is going on!
     
  8. LampShade

    LampShade Fanfiction Writer

    Chapter 3 - Disastrous News and the Invisible Monster

    Sophia’s house was quite a dreary place. There was a single, fragile bulb that hung over her quaint kitchen. Her kitchen consisted of a dull looking refrigerator, a dusty microwave, and a rusty faucet that smelled awful every time the cold water knob was turned. Sometimes, the faint light of the bulb would go out and the lackluster librarian would go on for days without getting it replaced.

    The apartment also consisted of one bedroom, a miniature bathroom with a shower, and a living room, which was where her computer was. Computers were standard all over the world. Manufacturers decided to stop making television sets and start capitalizing on computer-marketing. The shift was made back when civilization was in early reconstruction.

    As she pressed the power button to her monitor, Sophia plopped back in her chair and tried to recall every vivid detail that was inscribed in the ancient books, before the legendary bird creature had turned the world into ashes.

    In the past, natural selection had favored more colorful creatures. Rodents that inhabited streets, deserts, and grassy prairies were of various vibrant hues. Some of the more graceful birds flaunted their beautifully colored feathers, ranging from bright pink tail feathers to sky blue wing feathers.

    But when the skies turned black and the cities were all that was left, most of the wildlife that creatures had once called home was gone. Most surviving creatures of the apocalypse were creatures that sought shelter in dusty and dull urban sects. Natural selection abruptly shifted. Almost every creature now exhibited a grayish tinge. Camouflage was how most creatures survived, and the ones who didn’t use camouflage were rarely spotted. Creatures were often seen with a gray fur coat, or a gray hide, or a gray shell. Colors of purple and yellow and blue turned to brown, gray, and black. The life many surviving humans once knew, according to the ancient books, was empty without such vivid creatures.

    Sophia continued to think about the ancient books as she subconsciously reached for her belt and clutched the cold, steel capsule. She felt around for the circular button. Once her index finger was on top of it, the librarian yanked the orb from its holster, pressed the button, and threw it. The sphere flew out of her hand and quietly bounced onto her carpet. Suddenly, it exploded into bright green neon colors as the red hemisphere of the orb flipped open. The neon glow gradually faded, and the round container automatically clamped shut.

    Sophia braced herself.

    Without warning, the ball shot from the ground to her hand, ramming into her leather glove and making a clunking noise. Luckily, her reinforced leather gloves prevented her from wincing in pain.

    In the past, she thought grudgingly to herself, creature-tamers didn’t have to deal with icy, painful, metal, and worst of all, magnetic orbs.

    A strange aura gradually enveloped her. Sophia felt a tingling sensation through her body. There was nothing to see, but she knew that the creature was there.

    “Hello, Nightmare. I haven’t summoned you all day. I’m sorry, today was really busy for me.” Sophia’s voice was soft and somewhat content. This was how she always acted around her creatures, especially Nightmare.

    There was a faint, jumbled whisper in the air. Sophia smiled and closed her eyes. When she did, the floating creature’s figure was visible in front of her, in the blackness of her eyelids. It was of a solid, dark purple shape. The shape resembled that of a suspended head with sharp edges. The creature brandished sharp appendages that resembled claws, which hovered near its looming head. Its eyes glowed brightly, a stunning mixture of pink and red. The creature’s glow radiated from its sickle-like claws. Another feature that stood out was its sharp, pointed grin, which was illuminated by that same pinkish-red aura.

    The pale-faced librarian spoke in a wispy, reminiscing voice, her eyes still closed. “It’s amazing how so many people can be frightened of you, but I know that you’re not like that. I know you’re a softhearted creature. That’s why General Kyros assigned me to you.” Her smile grew wider. “But I remember being frightened of you when I first met you. I even remember the time I nicknamed you Nightmare. I guess the name kind of stuck…”

    The creature whispered some more. Sophia nodded. “I believe that some day, the powers that rule over all of us will be overthrown and diversified, so that there will be a group out there that may accept you for your appearance.” More whispering. Sophia slightly frowned this time. “Are you sure you’re fine like this? Doesn’t it hurt you to see people frightened by you? Isn’t that why you continue to be invisible?” More whispering. Sophia remained silent for a moment. She then opened her eyes. The creature’s shape was no longer there.

    “I…think I understand. If you were as popular and well-known as the ancient creatures today, you would likely be captured by someone seeking to capitalize on your fame.”

    Sophia blinked, and then turned towards her monitor, still smiling. She double clicked an icon on her desktop. In seconds, the latest news appeared on the screen.

    “Legendary creature captured,” the girl repeated to herself under her breath. Her face fell. “Fifteen killed by electric shock. Barbed wings and pointed beak damage infrastructure of three buildings. Creature now secured.”

    Anger and fear slowly entered Sophia’s heart. After a momentary pause, the pale-faced girl slammed her leather gloved hand on the computer desk. She held herself back from crying out in anguish and agony.

    “It was one thing to be insulted by a crazy maniac that you have a crush on, but…” Sophia caught her own silly words, quickly glancing apologetically at the invisible aura beside her. After a brief moment of hesitation, she continued. “But… seriously? They had captured three of those five freaking birds, but they had to go for four? Are they out of their mind?! There are eight legendary creatures in the United Terrains total. Half of them are detained. This is not right. This is not-”

    Sophia continued to read the report. The only sound that kept pumping into her ears was her own heart, which was beating faster than her eyes were reading.

    “The National Government of the Eastern Terrain (NGET) has established safeguards on all premises in the National Creature Detainment Centre (NCDC). Advocates argue that the electricity generated by the aggressive bird-like creature could very well power our nation for a thousand years. Research is being done on a power grid that can sustain such power. Some skeptics claim that this may be a political misstep on the behalf of the NGET.”

    Sophia skimmed down the article, and then quickly breathed a sigh of relief as she continued to read:

    “In other related stories, the calm, giant beast of the water that was initially captured the Western Terrain has recently escaped. Witnesses claim to have seen the creature ‘elegantly’ dashing away from its detainment centre. Further investigation by the National Government of the Western Terrain (NGWT) on the escape and whereabouts of the blue and white four legged creature are under way. An unfortunate result of this getaway is a short-term famine in the upper Western Terrain, where farmers are dependent on irrigation canals that used to be supplied by the water beast’s powers…”

    Sophia slowly inhaled, and then exhaled. It was relieving to know that one of the legendary creatures escaped. Still, Sophia knew that the ferocity of the Desumo Flax had to be contained. Now that the NGET had control of the vicious creature, the stakes were much higher.

    The pale girl turned to the invisible aura. Her voice was riddled with sadness.

    “Well, I guess I’ll let you roam around the city for tonight,” Sophia murmured. She then faintly smiled. “Just don’t make too many children wet their beds, alright?”

    The girl she felt the mysterious, dark aura slowly leave the apartment.

    With mixed feelings, Sophia briskly turned off her monitor and quickly pulled out what looked like a black ear bud. She plugged it in her ear, and spoke clearly and concisely.

    “Call Ivan.”

    There was a pause, followed by a drawn out tone, which signaled that Ivan hadn’t picked up yet. After three more of the long, drawn out tones, a deep, powerful voice replied.

    “Miss Kora?”

    “Ivan. We’ll need you to get that kid out of there as soon as possible.”

    “Hey, give me a break, will ya? I’m trying my best.” The voice sounded amused. Sophia frowned.

    “Ivan, don’t be a pissoff. Look, they captured the Desumo Flax. We can’t lose any more time.”

    There was a few seconds of silence. Then, the deep voice responded in a somber tone, “Look, Miss Kora. I only take orders from people who are higher up from me. I’ll get him out of this place by tomorrow, okay? We can meet at the base tomorrow night…”

    “Do you think he’s really fit enough to join the organization?”

    “You sound worried." Sophia's abrupt question didn't seem to faze Ivan. "Don’t you believe General Kyros? He said that this guy’s the real deal. And look at you; you were able to join this group at such a young age. Doesn't he have the same rights as you?"

    Sophia rolled her eyes. "Ivan, all I do is gather information from people visiting the library. The importance of my job pales in comparison to the job of protecting creatures that are capable of destroying the world."

    "But, Sophie, we’re going to be saved! Kyros said that he's the one. He has a gift, a talent that has been suppressed inside his body for so long. Just watch. The Governments will be overthrown. There may even come a day when you actually smile-”

    “Ivan. You’re being a pissoff again.”

    “Oh. Sorry.”

    “But seriously, is the boy even capable of living up to the Renegades’ major goals?”

    “He isn’t a boy. He’s almost nineteen years old, according to the records. It’s his mind that’s young. Now pay attention. The major objectives of the Renegades are to prevent the manipulation of legendary creatures and to protect these ancient creatures from the hands of humans. Trust me, Sophie- this guy is a natural saboteur. I can see it in his eyes. He may not be a juggernaut yet, but I can assure you that he will be able to play a crucial role in undermining the plans of the National Governments.”

    “Both the East and West Terrains?”

    “Yes. East and West.”

    Feeling somewhat relieved, yet still somewhat skeptical, Sophia tried to take in everything she had just learned. Her mind struggled to grasp the miracle that was right before her eyes. The conflicted girl replied in a strained voice, “Alright, Ivan. I’ll see you later.”

    “You sound stressed, Miss Kora. You know, you should get some sleep. That would do you some good. Who knows, you might even stop calling me a 'pissoff'." There was a light chuckle on the other line. "Well, good night.”

    Ear bud now out of ear, Sophia stood up and began pacing. Was it possible? How could a boy - no, a kid - help the cause of the Renegades? She had been a member of the underground organization for ten months and she hadn’t been of much help at all. The Renegades consisted of only a few hundred people, all across the Eastern Terrain; her duty was that of a lookout. Any rumors or local reports of happenings regarding the legendary creatures or the utopian cities were to be reported back to the base. The base, otherwise known as the headquarters, was located just outside of the big city. It was located farther to the east, near the Ghost Town. That was where she received her first creature, Nightmare.

    Sophia grinned, remembering the freaked out look on Eugene’s face when he first saw Nightmare.

    Then, suddenly feeling self-conscious, the gray-eyed girl felt her long, brown hair. It was still damp from the rain. Her thoughts and feelings for Eugene brought back the story of the ice bird and the conversation with Ivan and the doubts she had of the new boy that would join the Renegades. Sadness overwhelmed Sophia once again, threatening to consume the entirety of her mind. Lowering her head as she struggled to keep herself from crying out, the dejected and disheartened girl of seventeen made her way to the miniature bathroom with the shower.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2010
  9. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Hmm, fair enough - just that a few things I saw there I thought might have been done intentionally - I've seem some writers do it but I wasn't sure.

    As for the fanfic rules on chapter length - well I can't decide as that's for the fanfic mods to decide, really. I suppose it's more there though to encourage people to bump up things quality-wise instead of writing a paragraph or two in the quick-reply box primarily, and this fic I feel is fine quality-wise with the shorter chapters anyways.But I'd advise to PM one of the fanfic mods here about it first (Dragonfree, Zephyr Flare and Psychic). Mind you if you do post chapters together - keep them in separate posts (more than one chapter per post bar the prologue/chapter one is against the rules...) and it may be better to inter-space them by a few days, IMO. Gives more of a chance to build a reader base than posting a chapter a day from what I've seen even if they are short.

    Anyways! The chapters. Again enjoyable - the first new one was simple but interesting. More in the way of repetition there in the writing by the egg-watcher - nice slow inclusion of new facts here, and I like this portrayal of him too, with his lack of comprehension and whatnot. The following chapter with Sophie was neat too - again you delve into her character nicely, and the fact she still has feelings for Eugene was shown decently as well, I thought. The plot is moving steadily - I like the incorporation of the legendary Pokemon now - the idea of using them for power is a neat one I haven't seen for a while, and the constant reminders of the state of the world and society are done smoothly as well - not constantly in one's face but always there regardless, heh. And Haunter (I presume) was set nicely as well, I thought; although some description came off a touch listy, it was pretty good overall. I don't recall see much of those about, but I like what you've done with it so far. =)

    I'll note that Sophie's thoughts of disbelief on how this newly mentioned boy somewhat hypocritical given her age as well - maybe some mention of this or alternatively more emphasis on her disbelief she would have a 'major' influence would work better - wouldn't need much additions, I feel. Just a thought that came up. Also the fact that the one writing has learnt to read somewhat but not write before, and yet makes no mistakes is a bit...odd, to me, although maybe he has it proof-read by the big man? But if not it seems odd though, is all - somewhat unlikely at best, given what sorts of typos and mistakes we all make even if used to writing for many years. >_<

    Onto quoting stuff - because quoting stuff I found at this late hour is fun. =P
    'cannot' over 'can not', methinks.
    I want to watch the eggs, I presume.
    Since this should be one sentence in itself (part after the dialogue is dependant and all), small 't' for 'The' there.
    Amused, amused... a touch much there, and sounds repetitive here. I'd suggest replacing one of them, and maybe showing us more on how Sophie is not amused (e.g. '...sounded amused. Sophie frowned however, as she spoke again.' or something like that as a rough example).
    Insert that 'the' there, I suggest.
    As this may point out, it seems 'orbs' was all too often used in that part. Granted, there's not many alternatives to a Poke Ball but it's a bit much there. (Maybe sphere, capsule, round container, etc as alternatives to some?). Mix it up some more. Also note the two 'button's there as well - kill off one. The last three sentences of the first paragraphs as well read a little oddly, with the similar sentence beginnings...
    All three starts with 'The...' and with three in a row it's a bit repetitive in itself. Mix it up a bit more, I suggest.
    Its (rather than It's which would read 'it is'), and 'pinkish-red' I suggest as well.
    Again with similar sentence-starting words, like The and It/Its/It's - along with rather similarly-lengthed sentences it reads more like a detailed list, this part. Mix it up some more, and chance the way sentences start more often. I also thought this was a bit listy just in itself (It had this, looked like this, that feature was this, that was this, etc) - mixing some of those with actions by the Haunter would liven it up some, IMO.

    Also, suggest a hyphen in-between pale and faced - i.e. pale-faced.

    'as' over 'at', and I'd suggest inserting that 'on' as well there - otherwise it reads a touch oddly.

    The mistakes there are pretty simple overall though, and fixed easily enough. I don't see anything story-wise that irks at me too much really, the characters are intriguing, and it is fun to read, this. Keep them coming! (Only maybe as I suggested, a touch slower - up to you though).
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2009
  10. LampShade

    LampShade Fanfiction Writer

    Alright, I'll slow down. I'm making the changes you suggested.

    Other comments on my fanfiction have compelled me to add two things:

    I have added a paragraph, just before Sophia leaves the library. It's meant to reveal some of the plot and give a little more reason for the reader to read this story. Please tell me if it's a bit too superfluous or anything like that.

    I have deliberately placed spelling mistakes in the prologue and in chapter 2. Fear not, in chapter 4, the mistakes will be sparse, and by chapter 6, they'll be almost completely gone.

    EDIT: Oddly enough, I can't save any changes to chapter 3... Hmm.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2009
  11. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Ah, must be the database glitching up. Forums have a problem with a few words which at times can trigger MySQL queries or the such for some reason - words like select, delete, create, update... via control + F I see two instances of 'selection'. To edit it, just put something in the middle to break up the word, like making a letter in italics like so. That'll bypass the problem.

    Also that new paragraph seems fine although the chapter was fne without it as well, IMO, but it's good IMO.
     
  12. LampShade

    LampShade Fanfiction Writer

    Alright I managed to edit the post. I'm constantly editing all parts of the story, so I'll make sure to post important changes I have made. Also, I'm going to wait for some more comments before I post the next chapter.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2009
  13. Zadros

    Zadros Incorrigible slacker

    I do like this post-apocalyptic style. There isn't much I can really say here, you obviously know what you're doing grammar-wise and the description is good. Maybe you told more than showed in some instances. With the first-person character, I notice you say he "doesn't know what () means" often. It does have an effect, but perhaps mix it up a bit. The characters are interesting and have depth to them. I guess all that's left to say is I'll be waiting for the next chapter ^^
     
  14. LampShade

    LampShade Fanfiction Writer

    Chapter 4 - I Listen to a Story

    The big man says I have a problem. I do not know what he means by problem. He says that my sensry memory gets clouded every day and that it is disrupting my learning. He does not sound happy when he says this. I have come to know what he sounds like when he is happy. The big man says that if I write more, I will not have many sensry memory problems.

    When he looked over my writing, he asked me why I captalized Them. I told him that it was because I always saw it captalized whenever They would give us books. The big man says that these books are corupt. I do not think I understand what this means.

    My personality is getting better. The big man says so. He says that I am using more style in my voice and in my writing. He says that some day I will be an amazing speaker.

    The big man told me a long story. He wrote it down for me word for word, and then told me to copy down what he wrote. He told me that it would help me write better. This is what he wrote down:

    “You see, back then, they didn’t have cities like this. There were no Metropolis centers, no mindless workers, and no crazy rituals to birds trapped in cages. No, that’s not how it was back then. Back then, everyone had a personality. Back then, creatures were raised by people because people cared. Before the ‘Master of All Orbs’ was manufactured, creature-tamers would nurture and care for their creatures because they loved them.

    But soon enough, a byproduct of technology had emerged. After years and years of seething aspiration and murderous drive, a terrorist organization had created a legendary ball that could hold captive any creature that the user wished. The most powerful and dimension-changing creatures could now be captured with the press of a button and the flick of a wrist.

    Before the prototype became a standard means of mass production, though, a world-renown and moreover notorious creature tamer overthrew the entirety of the terrorist organization. Despite his bravery, the teenage boy - or so the story goes - foolishly acquired this ‘Master of All Orbs’ and used it on a legendary creature. This particular creature was crucial to the survival of the entire ecosystem. This creature brought sacred volcanic ash to the mountains in the south. This creature illuminated rainbows in the west. This creature brought up forest life in the north and the east. But most of all, this creature was evidently capable of destroying the entire planet.

    No one is entirely sure of what happened next, or why it happened. All we know is that the creature went into a berserk state and burned everything in its sight, including the renowned hero.

    There were few survivors of the legendary creature’s wrath. These survivors are the people that made the civilizations we see today. We live in a post-apocalyptic world.

    But unfortunately, the world isn’t rebuilding itself exactly the way it was before. Drastic new experiments and power-hungry radicals have set up experimentation plants all across the region, so that people like you may work in their desensitized world. Fortunately, these are restricted to a certain extent, and are not allowed to used certain cities for their experiments. Nevertheless, there are unfortunate victims of this plague, including you. They’re using you. And you can’t allow that. You need to live. You need to take in the fresh air of freedom.”

    The big man spoke a lot. I was not entirely sure I agreed with him. This was my home. I did not need his fredom, or the new life that he wants me to have. I want to stay here and watch the eggs. That is what I am made for. He says one day I will change my mind, but I do not believe him.

    The big man always tries to explain what the word special means. He compared it to people. He asked me if I have seen the other people in the city. I said yes, at least when I go out for rituals. He asked me if they all looked different. I said yes. He told me that I am like that. I am different from them. I understand this, but I still do not understand what special means. The big man says that I am a different kind of different. He says that I am different in ways that people can not observe at first. He says that it is something inside of me. He pointed to my chest, but I do not understand what he means by this.

    The big man asked me what I do in my room. I told him that it was where I did all my work. He asked me where I slept. I told him that I did not understand what he meant by slept.

    I told him that I watch the eggs until they turn into the dark creatures. If an egg breaks and fluid spills out, They come in and they give me a mop. I am supposed to clean the fluid when They give me the mop.

    The big man asked me why I do not go outside of my room. I told him that I am not supposed to go outside.

    The big man says that I should not tell Them that he is here. I tell him that I can not say anything to Them. He told me that he was releved and glad that I did not tell anyone. He said that he would be in big troubl if anyone knew that he was inside of the metropolis center.

    There was one last thing that the big man said to me. He said that this was the most important issue because we could all dye if nothing is to be done. He said that the people who control me are doing something very bad. The people who control me have other great birds, similar to the one that we worship. The big man said that if they continue to tamper with the power of the legendary creetures that we worship, the creetures might go on a rampage. He said that history may repeat itself again, but the result may not be the same. He said that we may all dye this time. He thinks that if one legendary creeture nearly destroyed the planet, several legendary creetures would annihilate it.

    The big man said that we would leave soon. I do not understand what soon means, but he said that he will teach me what time is soon. He said that when I leave this place, I will need a name. He said that he will give me the name Constantine. He explained that it was from the name Constantinos, which means constant, unwavering, and stedfast.

    My name does not sound like any of the words I know. The big man said that I probably thought it was a weird name. He told me to write my name down, so that I knew how to spell it correctly. I asked him what constant, unwavering, and stedfast meant. He said that I will learn what it means someday.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2010
  15. Eon Master

    Eon Master Born from the Flames

    Turns out I found a little bit of time to review this after all. This is my last offical review before I close up shop for a while.

    I find the wording of this a bit... dry. It's not very flushed out, and it seems like the narrator is choking on sawdust, to be quite frank. The "big man" as he is refered to, seems to be much better at speaking. This doesn't mean that the narrator needs to be talking desultorily and practically rambling. He's speaking in short, clipped sentences, and not using any discriptive words. You as a writer need to use discription and bring the words to life. Also, since this is in past tense, the narrator is speaking from a future time, meaning that you don't need to word things like he's a child. Use adult discription, and ditch the intentional errors.

    As for the length, it's very short. It shouldn't take any less than five minutes to read a passage, chapter, or whatever. Usually writing at least five to seven pages on MS Word will suffice for this length. I've seen worse, but I've also seen better, and I know you can do better than this.

    In your defense, I'll point out that you haven't really made any unintentional grammar or spelling errors this time around, so you've improved in that regard. It also looks like the plot is starting to fall into place, so that's good.

    Finally, my rating: ;133; ;133; ;133;

    It needs improvement, not to mention some more development and length; but you've piqued my interest, which is an important ability for a writer. I hope to see this improve in future.

    Eon Master Out~ ;197;
     
  16. Llama_Guy

    Llama_Guy Awesomely awesome

    Eon master - Actually, he *is* talking in the present tense, mostly, and the past is used when he thinks back to things before the story as it is now, such as when the big man told him about stuff. But he mostly does things in the now, if you pay attention to it. The exception is when it's third-person with Sophia, then it's constantly the past.

    Anyway! I really love this right now, with the setting starting to unfold properly. It's something new and fresh, and you write it quite well. You personalize the characters quite well, and this is unfolding rather nicely. I like that
     
  17. Ysavvryl

    Ysavvryl Pokedex Researcher

    Ooo, heavy philosophical story. At least you warned readers right off. Not that I mind it; it just requires a different mindset to get into and study. It was heavy handed at points (Sophia’s sections primarily, especially Chapter 1) and sometimes more of a straight philosophy discussion than a philosophical story. The former is tough to get through and is better suited for, say, a classroom where the book is picked apart over a period of several weeks. Meanwhile, the latter is more easily accessible and often better at getting the message across. I’m thinking stories like The Little Prince, Brave New World, and The Giver. Good reads, great messages.

    I do applaud you for choosing to use these ideas in fanfiction. However, you’re being too clearly in favor of one side of the individual vs society debate. Anyone with a favoring of ‘society first’ is being demonized too quickly (Them, Eugene, the apparently drunken crowd in Chapter 1) while anyone favoring ‘individual first’ is classified as a rebel hero. That has a bit too much of a propaganda/sermon feel for me to feel fully comfortable with the story. Perhaps it’s just because I’ve read it recently, but Eugene’s argument for the Metropolis system makes me think of The Giver. And in that book, you don’t fully realize that the individual vs society debate is there until midway through the story. It also paints a really nice picture of a society-based government to fool you at first too.

    The characters look fine, although Sophia didn’t hook me immediately. Constantine may have been taken a bit too far. I’ll take that into a bit more detail in a bit.

    Closer inspection…

    Prologue: The intentional misspellings are passable. I first thought they should have been more phonetically based, but then saw later that he knows how to read. The quotations around unfamiliar words were cheesy, though. Unless he’s seen this kind of punctuation usage before, I’m not sure why they would be there. I think it’d work alright without them.


    Chapter 1: My initial thoughts to the first section were “ Geez, who would hire this girl as a librarian?” Also, it’s said that her ‘figure and hair’ are what makes her bearable. So because she’s pretty, people can deal with a sour personality? I personally think that pretty people with sour personalities are worse to be around than general sour personalities.

    Describing Robert as flamboyant is odd. What makes him flamboyant rather than just a regular nerd (which is how he appears in his brief appearance)? Even a small detail demonstrating that flamboyance would be better than just stating it with no evidence.

    Sophia’s harsh reactions to Robert make me really doubt her position as librarian and scout. If a rebel group was going to send somebody out to gather intelligence, I think they’d go for someone easy to get along with, or a wallflower who can blend in. Who’s going to tell her possibly useful information with that attitude of hers?

    The apparently random man who grabbed Sophia on her way out was really creepy, what with that jet black hair and shiny white teeth. And his talk how absolute corruption does not exist. I kinda hope creepy shiny teeth man shows up again. He looks like a promising villain, even in a few paragraphs.

    The paragraph talking about the meaning of Sophia’s name is much better illustrated by the paragraph with the description of the dreary city. You can’t feel it in the former, but you can definitely feel it in the latter. Especially the bit about the night club.

    The line ‘Sophia’s hair lit up…’ is weird. It makes me think of that Cher ‘Believe’ video with her fiber optic hairdo.

    Um, the part where Sophia talks about how inhumanly the Officers treat humans in the Metropolis made me wonder for a bit what exactly she and the others were. Most people don’t say, “Look at that group of humans.” They say, “Look at that group of people.” That’s a little much even for an elitist.

    “That is what this world needs. We need to denounce progress in the name of teamwork! We need to denounce ambition in the name of community! And we most definitely need to denounce knowledge in the name of the people! To hell with progress! To hell with ambition! To hell with knowledge! To hell with pain!” --- see, that really makes this story clearly one-sided when it appears this early. All the key words in this section (progress, teamwork, ambition, community, knowledge, people) appear equal in connotation. Perhaps ambition is not quite equal in terms of being good, but it’s not all that bad. Something more tempting would be ‘lonely struggle in the name of teamwork’, ‘depressing isolation in the name of community’, and ‘endless and futile questioning in the name of certainty for the people’. The previous paragraphs were good in terms of sounding desirable.

    And then the result of Eugene’s grandstanding makes me think that the crowd was partially made up of the drunk people from the night club. The combination of them clapping, getting rough, yelling, tumult (which is a bit out of place), and confusion does not sound like a standard crowd of people on a city street encountering an arguing couple.


    Chapter 2: My only comment is that being taught to read but not write is odd. Maybe I’m too used to dystopia settings where there’s loads and loads of paperwork to reinforce routines and hierarchy. But it’s good and demonstrates how narrow of a perspective he has. His life is all about watching eggs. I do wonder why he trusts the big man, though, if there’s something beyond writing that Constantine was given initially to earn his trust. At this point, it seems like a neutral relationship, a ‘this is someone who comes around my office from time to time’ thing.


    Chapter 3: While your description on less colorful creatures coming about because of the graying of the world is what a lot of people would agree with, there is a fault in the reasoning. See, there are a lot of creatures, like peacocks, brightly colored birds, and bold insects, that purposely go against camouflage to survive. The males, anyhow. This is done as a sign of ‘I’m so strong that I don’t need no stinking camouflage’ to predators and rivals. Or like the Monarch butterfly (and its mimics), it is more ‘I taste bad and my color is your only warning!’ So even after an apocalypse, I think there’d still be a number of brightly colored Pokemon.

    During Sophia’s soliloquy, I wondered why she didn’t let Nightmare out (she let him out later, after all). A lot of people talk to their pets when no one else is around. And given that the Haunter seems quite intelligent, it would seem natural for her to use him as a kind of sounding board.

    Why is Sophia in charge of gathering information when the things she’s looking for (info on the legendary creatures) are on standard internet news sites? Is there some reason why the rebels can’t access the internet, but have a (hopefully) secure telecommunications system? And what’s Glacies Flax? It’s hard to worry about the capturing of something when you don’t know what it is. The italics make me think it’s a ship.

    I started to warm up to Sophia when she was talking to Nightmare. She seemed more like a character I could follow then. Overly abrasive characters just don’t appeal to me.


    Chapter 4: It’d be a neat touch if Constantine made a note that he was copying the story the big man wrote, to improve his own writing. Or if he wrote his name over and over again, like preschoolers do, to get used to the idea that it’s his name.

    So the traditional Pokemon Trainer hero went and captured Ho-oh, who got ticked off for some reason and decided to destroy the world… that struck me as funny. I know, it’s supposed to be terrible. Still made me laugh.

    The picture I’m getting of him is that he stays all day in a hatchery, watching over Pokemon eggs. The only time he leaves is when he goes to rituals. Does he have a home or is it truly a constant job? And what exactly is he watching for? Is he making sure the climate stays constant? Is he checking for unfertilized or bad eggs? Does he just make sure nobody steals one? What’s his daily routine like? I would think that would be a good writing exercise for the big man to assign to him, documenting his daily routine. And perhaps give us an insight into why Constantine has not reported the big man’s visits to Them.


    So those are my thoughts. The fact that I was interested enough to dissect everything that much is a compliment, by the way. Excellent work. If anything, I'd try to make it more of a story than it is at this point. You can't make people think about deeper things if they give up reading early on.
     
  18. LampShade

    LampShade Fanfiction Writer

    Alright, I finished editing what I could. As for the occasional plot flaw and sawdust... Well, I guess I'll just have to eventually explain the fore and deal with the latter.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2010
  19. Aladar

    Aladar Dark lord of Sith

    So, here's my review as well...

    I've read all the chapters, apparantly after you have made the edits you were recommended to do. I won't delve into grammar because it seems you know you're stuff, excluding the occasional mistake or two we all make sometimes.

    Now, the setting of this story is quite interesting. The backstory in the latest chapter was good but still there are a few logical questions left. Why are people divided? Why are there still some who live in cities, dull as they are, but as free as you can be under the kind of government that rules? Why the rest are literally bred in those camps or whatever and brainwashed to do chores and the like? What makes them different? Maybe you should enlighten us some more on this topic.

    I like how you have included the Legendary birds in this story- the latin names are how are they called now, right? By your usage of Eastern and Western Terrain, I guess that the governemnt controls just Kanto and Johto. The number of Legendaries you've mentioned hints this as well. Oh, I noticed one controversary in the news repot- if the societ is so grey, dull and whatnot, why would the news of all things, describe the escape of a creature the government obviously considers unequal and uses it, as "elegant"?

    I still can't decide whether I like Sophia as a character or not. She does have a range of emotions and her interactions with her Haunter (?) are interesting but... I don't know, she just doesn't "click". But that purely my opinion and it would probably change after a Sophia-centric chap or two more. And as Ysavvryl pointed out, why would the Renegades place her as their spy? Surely a more sociable person would be more suited to gather info. And Sophia's appearance is kinda controversial- in one sentence you describe her skin as horridly pale, eyes cold and all that and in the next sentence you describe her very long silky brown hair. Which shines under light. And the others tolerate her just because of her "figure and hair". And it seems she rarely is self-conscious. Mary Sue, much?

    Oh, and here's my two cents concerning the society vs individual theme Ysavvryl mentioned in his review- I haven't read many stories with themes and setting as yours, but I've read some very good ones, whose plot could relate to yours. You could try looking from a different angle- the individual in your story is frowned upon by society, he's forced to drow in the crowd, some of the people are literally brainwashed into mindless drones, Legendaries are captured and used etc etc. But what if the government isn't truly evil- Ho-Oh destroyed the land so there are no natural resources- using the power of the Legedaries is the only way to survive. To provide food and water and electricity for the people, they have to use the Pokemon. The drones can't be justified easy but maybe there's a reason for that too- they could be the remnants of the old criminal Teams or just convicts, whose families and decendants are brainwashed from birth. And from what I've read so far, this government doesn't put into the camps or whatever they are, people just for voicing their opinion. Sophia did it in the middle of the crowd and no enforcer materialised from nowhere to subdue her. And the "drones" know no better life- they are happy in their own sick way because they have never known a different kind of life. If the Renegades manage to "free" them- then what? They are like infants who don't know what to do. They don't know the outside world. How would they cope, how would they build a personality out of nowhere. And if the Renegades overthrow the government, from where would they find resources- they'd be forced to use the Pokemon as well.

    Make it all shades of grey, point out that there's no right or wrong, just difficult decisions to be made. It really captivates the reader, trust me.
     
  20. LampShade

    LampShade Fanfiction Writer

    I'll be sure to address some of the issues you presented. Sophia being a Mary Sue has never really occurred to me, and it still hasn't. I always considered Mary Sues to be extremely self-conscious, actually. I completely understand what you mean in terms of thematic elements, but don't forget about what I said in my author's note. I'm going to provoke the theme of subjectivity many times throughout the story. Soon enough, you'll see the character of the main guy character unfold, and you'll see how he reacts to such issues fairly clearly.
     

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