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Preview- Long Journey

Long Story Short: Yami Ryu basically made me realize my writing wasn't up to snuff most of the time, so, after taking a short break to find myself/god/get better at what I do. So, I think I did. Instead of hopping back at Three Ways, I opted to start a new, shorter work. This is what you see before you now.

Note: The protagonist, Jason, has a verbal tic of leaving out anything before an apostrophe. Meaning things like "I'll" become " 'll" and "We're" become " 're". It's part of my experimenting with verbal tics, and if it seems too convoluted and hard to understand, I'll change it.

Rated PG 13 for language, emo kids, violence, and endorsing the totally cool act of Tobacco use.

Long Journey
Chapter 1
I’m Just Your Nothing

“Life is like blood from a wound. Slowly, it drips away. Slowly, slowly, Until we are left, bled out, and dead.”


“’m Jason,” he said into the mirror, moving his dyed black hair over his left eye. “Jason Conver.” He bit his lip. “This is ********.” He slumped down on the toilet seat. He ran his hands on the knees of his too tight jeans. “Total. ********. Why should I do anything that he wants me to? ‘m his son, not his servant.” He stood back up and looked in the mirror. He put his fingers up to his temple like a gun. “Bang,” he smiled.

“It’d just be so much easier.”

He pulled on a black and white striped **** with a bull’s eye on the chest, ran his hands over his hair again and grabbed an empty backpack with far too many zippers. He stomped down the stairs. His mom stood, bright smile, bright red hair, at the base with a small bag in her hand.

“Lunch for your big day, sweetie,” she smiled. Jason grunted in return as she patted his head. “Make your daddy proud!”

“Whatever.” He slammed the door behind him.

‘This town,’ he thought to himself ‘’s so boring. Nothing to do. Full of Slowpoke and old people.” He inhaled. ‘I hate being born here. I hate living here.’ “I just want to get away. But not like this.”

Azalea Town, a city in no hurry to catch up with the times. Houses were still mostly wood. Electricity was wired in from Goldenrod City; most supplies came from out of town. The town still flourished with balls. Ball making was the main factor that set the town apart. Even the gym was nothing special, using mostly bug types from the local forest.

The gym. Jason hated going there. His dad was the referee, and he wanted his son to get in on the Pokemon game too. Jason had fought it as hard as he could for as long as he could. Three years later, he couldn’t anymore.

The first day of spring, and Jason was going to become a Pokemon Trainer.

The first day of spring, and Jason’s allergies were acting up.
It wouldn’t get him out of it.

The gym was as plain as the rest of the town. Thatched roof, wooden siding. The giant sign that marked it as a “GYM” was the defining feature, as well as its purplish-pink door.
‘Gaudy,’ Jason thought to himself.

He pushed the door open. There were no challengers, no battles. It was dead silent. “Maybe they were all murdered,” Jason smiled to himself, finding his way through the fake trees that served as the gym’s décor. And sent that didn’t quite belong filled the air. He wrinkled his nose. “It smells familiar.” He ran through his memories. There it was. “Cigs. Someone’s smoking in here.”

It got stronger the closer he got to the office. “Who the hell is smoking? Dad wouldn’t allow that. Neither would Buggy, or whatever the hell that guys name is.”

He heard his dad’s voice through the door, sighed, and pushed it open. His dad sat in one chair beside the desk, shaved head and striped referee outfit. Jason swore that was the only thing he owned to wear.

“This him, Freddie?” another male voice asked. Jason’s head turned to it.

The guy was standing, leaning against the wall, looking Jason over. He wore a light pink sleeveless shirt and loose blue jeans tucked into oversized boots. He his features were sharp, though, Jason noticed. The man had to be several years older than him. He was the smoker. The man walked towards him, adjusting a bandana tied to his head, White with a large black V on the front. Small bits of dark red hair peaked out from beneath it; two long parts fell out the back. He extended his hand. “Aleczander Eiffel,” he smiled. “Pleased to meet you.”

Jason looked down at his hand. “Uh, yeah.” He shook.

Freddie cleared his throat. “Jason, Aleczander will be your bodyguard.”

“What!? I ‘t need some bodyguard pushing me around.”

--

And that's all I wrote. It's a strange project. I'm doing it somewhere between deadly serious about itself or blatant parody.

Anyway, feedback is welcome.
 

Breezy

Well-Known Member
...so, after taking a short break to find myself/god/get better at what I do.
You found god, but the more important question is whether or not you found Waldo.

/lame joke over.

Anyway ... I noticed your author note here:

I'm doing it somewhere between deadly serious about itself or blatant parody.
which is interesting considering that I'm not sure how I am to properly read this. It does come off more as a parody because you're using very common formulas but inserting semi "dark" characters to make it more serious/non-parody. It could make a good parody if you know the genre well enough and the stereotypes of your character, methinks.

There's just too little for me to properly comment on the story as a whole, nor did you really include what the story is about, so I won't really comment on the plot. I'm going to assume it's a journey story, though. It's off to an okay start. The introduction is relatively odd considering you have a boy talking to himself in a mirror for no reason other than for you, the author, to describe him, so maybe give reasoning to this or describe your character in another way.

The gym. Jason hated going there. His dad was the referee, and he wanted his son to get in on the Pokemon game too. Jason had fought it as hard as he could for as long as he could. Three years later, he couldn’t anymore.

The first day of spring, and Jason was going to become a Pokemon Trainer.

The first day of spring, and Jason’s allergies were acting up.
It wouldn’t get him out of it.
The structure here is too choppy, and I feel like you're trying to do the "short sentence/paragraph, deep meaning" thing which is perfectly fine so long as you use is sparingly. The more times you use it (especially when stacked) the less powerful your shorter sentence/paragraph is going to be. I suggest reserving them until you really want to make a point.

The "verbal tic" is interesting, though 'm not sure why he would do it other than to be weird. *shrug* It's not confusing, though, if that's what you're concerned about. Just ... odd.

The protagonist himself isn't a character that you can easily empathize to what with him being stereotyped as an emo (dyed black hair over the left eye now?), but I figure that's what you're trying to go for. You also use a common formula to create your character: outcast who does not want to be a trainer but is forced to be one by caring parents. Not that that's a bad thing (using a formula I mean). He's actually a tad annoying because of the dark thoughts he thinks especially in the world he lives in, but I could chalk that up to the parody theory.

*shrugs again* I really do think it is going to be hard for readers to take this seriously because of the extremes of your character and setting (unrealistically pessimistic in an unrealistically optimistic world), so if you do want a more serious fiction, I do suggest toning your character down and make the world a tad more ... realistic.

Ex) having a mom slap her child or at least mention it to her son if he gave her 'tude (because, hell, you know you'd get yelled at if you "Whatever'd" your mama).

If you're sticking to a parody, I think the contrast between your character "deadly serious" and the world slightly cheerful makes a good clash and an easy medium to point out flaws in both the character and the world.
 
You found god, but the more important question is whether or not you found Waldo.

/lame joke over.
Waldo was nowhere to be found. Sneaky bas---
Anyway ... I noticed your author note here:

which is interesting considering that I'm not sure how I am to properly read this. It does come off more as a parody because you're using very common formulas but inserting semi "dark" characters to make it more serious/non-parody. It could make a good parody if you know the genre well enough and the stereotypes of your character, methinks.

I think I'm using "parody" as the wrong word though. My best point is the Shadow Hearts games, the protagonists are genera savvy to hell and back, but they take their place in the story dead serious. I'm working towards something like that. A Deconstruction.

There's just too little for me to properly comment on the story as a whole, nor did you really include what the story is about, so I won't really comment on the plot. I'm going to assume it's a journey story, though. It's off to an okay start. The introduction is relatively odd considering you have a boy talking to himself in a mirror for no reason other than for you, the author, to describe him, so maybe give reasoning to this or describe your character in another way.
Yeah, Journey Fic. The mirror bound intro was sort of like how some people (I know I do) practicing things in the mirror. Self introductions and stuff before a blind date or something, he said, giving bad examples. Setting up description for me is a very difficult task, I'll admit, one I couldn't quite fix.

The structure here is too choppy, and I feel like you're trying to do the "short sentence/paragraph, deep meaning" thing which is perfectly fine so long as you use is sparingly. The more times you use it (especially when stacked) the less powerful your shorter sentence/paragraph is going to be. I suggest reserving them until you really want to make a point.
I really wasn't going for anything there. That was more of a stream of consciousness set of sentences that will get edited, for sure.

The "verbal tic" is interesting, though 'm not sure why he would do it other than to be weird. *shrug* It's not confusing, though, if that's what you're concerned about. Just ... odd.
I think I feel like making it plot important, since I'm still juggling the fine details of the plot, but I picture him to be the kid who acts like he doesn't want attention but acts in a way to get it. Fundamentally, I'm not ashamed to admit he's like me when I was thirteen; kind of a ****.

The protagonist himself isn't a character that you can easily empathize to what with him being stereotyped as an emo (dyed black hair over the left eye now?), but I figure that's what you're trying to go for. You also use a common formula to create your character: outcast who does not want to be a trainer but is forced to be one by caring parents. Not that that's a bad thing (using a formula I mean). He's actually a tad annoying because of the dark thoughts he thinks especially in the world he lives in, but I could chalk that up to the parody theory.
As a default, I have a hard time writing dark worlds (I've stopped a few stories because I couldn't bring myself to live in those worlds), and tend to write cheerful characters. Jason himself is a challenge to write someone a little darker than average, but sticking him in my normal happy world beside Alec and one other character. I wanted him to be as unsympathetic as possible, so I think I got that across, if I'm reading you right.

*shrugs again* I really do think it is going to be hard for readers to take this seriously because of the extremes of your character and setting (unrealistically pessimistic in an unrealistically optimistic world), so if you do want a more serious fiction, I do suggest toning your character down and make the world a tad more ... realistic.

Ex) having a mom slap her child or at least mention it to her son if he gave her 'tude (because, hell, you know you'd get yelled at if you "Whatever'd" your mama).
This pretty much made me decide it was a parody, mostly because that would make the world more 'real' than I want to.

If you're sticking to a parody, I think the contrast between your character "deadly serious" and the world slightly cheerful makes a good clash and an easy medium to point out flaws in both the character and the world.
Excellent. Thank you very much.

I also noticed that Bull'**** got censored out in the first post. I"ll worry more about it for the final story. For now, the word was easy enough to understand, I feel.
 
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