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Preview of a humour fic, need some help

I'm working on a one shot/two shot/possibly more bit of writting currently. A humour thing that has a bit of a poke at all manners of things such as what is happening here in Britain, Pokemon games, bad fic writting as well as general wtf Ooness.

I realise it won't be to everybodies taste either since I'm very much a dark humoured lover personally. However, below is a sample of part of what I've written so far and may go over again a few times. Do you think you might be at all interested in reading, any ideas, is it TOO British?

If you live in this country you need humour :( Apologies if the quote tags are soemwhat bothersome. Also, any ideas for a title would be much appreciated.

Anywho the sample:


To be 12 though and to have not left, a stigma fixates on that so strongly. I mean really, how would a mother live with herself for committing such an atrocity?! Bah she deserved such out-casting from her town, shunned I say!

‘This is for your oh so precious daddy,’ she would ramble endlessly, ‘you’re doing this for daddy, just for daddy, yes all done by daddy’s precious little boy!’ always while moving on the rather flimsy rocking chair within their home to the sound of each floorboard creak. These words repeated over and over about this utterly non-existent father, quite normal affairs really.


You must wonder of course how a boy with such an excitable mother, one who set about dancing and screaming till she was arrested and awarded an ASBO by the neighbours whenever she heard a word with the letter P in it, how on earth he stayed remotely “normal.”

Answer? Just a wandering miracle.


Today lacks any kind of speciality in reality other than being anymore than part of this formerly mentioned tale of woe. Just another Wednesday it is for the pick up of new starter Pokemon, all the other days are generally booked for the lab owner’s sunbathing and tan session you see. Why so weekly? Because who doesn’t love those little bundles of wrathful joy that is a new Pokemon generation!

All the more ideal for a deranged mother to shoo her son out the door while going

‘Stay out, you’re a big precious little boy now taaa~’, before blocking it shut with the rocking chair on the inside and then in turn rambling how her infinitely precious little boy is finally going out into the world.

So when a backpack is shoved into his arms and he is thrown out the door as he was momentarily before, what is he to do? Cause mild profanity and stomp over the to lab of course! It is a very good thing that those boots were made for walking as well as stomping otherwise they might be not as good for the agitated trainer to stomp in.


Now, standing before the door with a somewhat scowling face and crossed arms would be the hero of our tale, supposedly destined to save us all from imminent destruction according to some fanciful cryptic documents and to do what nobody ever could do before him.

At least, according to the script.


I really didn't want to post the Lab part as I'm still working on it while trying not to laugh since it still is a bit rough round the edges, hopefully the above will be enough. If not however I will post a liddle bit more.


Thanks in advance, humour is a tad lopsided out my area, and help greatly welcome :)


Sandra
 
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Chaotic Pink

Let the zephyr blow.
I'm not a great one to give advice, I can't write fan fics so it probably won't do you any good, I'll give you some of my opinion though.

I don't think its too British, hey if you can't poke fun at your own country life wouldn't be the same. I would definately be interested in reading more of it. Oh and, I don't mind a bit of dark humour too.

This'll probably not be the slightest bit of help to you though, now of I go to vanish back to the Fan sprites section.
 

Isfahan

Well-Known Member
Too British? I wouldn't worry too much. There's a difference between an in-joke and a joke someone just isn't in a position to appreciate, and the former is usually much more offensive to outsiders' sensibilities than the latter. If British folks are in more of a position to appreciate your work than others, well, that's just writing for an audience.

In comparison, two people saying things like "I think the potato is blue this week" to each other and then giggling like crazy is just annoying.

With that out of the way, I'll run your quote through my Yank Filter™ per your request and see what I come up with. :)

To be 12 though and to have not left, a stigma fixates on that so strongly. I mean really, how would a mother live with herself for committing such an atrocity?! Bah she deserved such out casting from her town, shunned I say!

I feel there's some context from before that you left out, though I understood the paragraph itself well enough--the speaker is upset that he wasn't able to start his Pokémon journey at a younger age.

‘This is for your oh so precious daddy,’ she would say endlessly, ‘you’re doing this for daddy, yes all done by daddy’s precious little boy!’ while moving on the rather flimsy rocking chair within their home by the sound of each floorboard creak. These words repeated over and over about this utterly non-existent father, quite normal affairs really.

You must wonder of course how a boy with such an excitable mother, one who set about dancing and screaming till she was arrested and awarded an ASBO by the neighbours whenever she heard a word with the letter P in it, how on earth he stayed remotely “normal.”

Dunno what an ASBO is, though you've convinced me that the speaker's mother is pretty cracked.

Not easy to say the least.

Today lacks any kind of speciality in reality any more than being part of this formerly mentioned tale of woe. Just another Wednesday it is for the pick up of new starter Pokemon, all other days are generally booked for the Lab owner’s sunbathing and tan session, because who doesn’t love those little bundles of wrathful joy that is a new Pokemon generation?

I tried to resist giving grammar advice in this post, but unlike my Yank Filter™, my Grammar Filter Mk. VI™ is always on. ^^; There should be a comma after "easy," put a hyphen between "formerly" and "mentioned," "pickup" in its noun form is one word, and "lab" as you've used it here would have a lowercase L.

Ahem. Sorry. Moving on.

All the more ideal for a deranged mother to shoo her son out the door while going

‘Stay out, you’re a big precious little boy now taaa~’, before blocking it shut with the rocking chair on the inside and then in turn rambling how her precious little boy is finally going out into the world.

The "ta" is rather British, but it certainly doesn't break anything for me.

So when a backpack is shoved into his arms and he is thrown out the door as he was momentarily before, what are you to do? Cause mild profanity and stomp over the to lab of course!

Now, standing by the door with a somewhat scowling face and crossed arms would be the hero of our tale. Supposedly destined to save us all from imminent destruction according to some fanciful cryptic documents, to do what nobody ever could do before him.

At least, according to the script.

Also fine, though the speaker shifts from third-person to second-person speech in that first sentence, and the "supposedly destined" clause would be better put to use connected to "tale" by a comma.

Well, there you are! Hope I helped. I didn't have trouble understanding 98% of what's written here, so, for me at least, you're doing just fine. :)
 
I've had a fiddle with some parts of this already, whee :D

ASBO was one of the things I know only those of us over ehre will really get, Anti Social Behavior Orders, also known as the threat you get when your music is on and you have whiney neighbours :) Some of the things that have got them are pure wtfable laughs in their own right, even a pig got one at one point.

I messed with the lab part ealier but still missed that L :O Just fixed it now though.

You know I can;t remember the last time I heard soembody say ta, ah well :)

I'll mess round with the later bits as well, never even knew there was a Second Person :eek: Middle family member then, must be ignored a lot.


I'll update the sample again when I've finished messing with whats up and glad it was remotely understandable :)

Sandra
 
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