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Preview of Upcoming Fan Fic (A.K.A. the Prologue)

M

Matt Silver

Rest My Chemistry
Btw, I'm pretty sure it's cool to post it here since it's only a preview:
Hey ya'll, I'm writing a new fic that is kinda a journey with some (hopefully) original ideas incorporated. I thought I'd post up a preview a.k.a. the Prologue and I'd like you guys to give the preview a read- hopefully to make you want to read it when I'm done!

Enjoy:
_______________________________________
Prologue: Destiny of the Children

Central City’s St. Twelves Hospital would be the talk of all of Kinra for the next few days. For the fifth time in November 2005, a baby was kidnapped in Paediatrics’ Marshall Hendrix Wing.

An agent of the infamous Shade Syndicate, an underground movement of activists (Though some would call them terrorists) wearing all black who have been waging political warfare against the government for unknown reasons in recent years, had snuck into the Marshall Hendrix Wing and into the Nursery, home of about twenty babies born in the past three days.

His name was Mike Twain, the son of a “peace-pushing fascist”, as stated by the press, who easily got access to the Nursery, having charmed the nurse in charge with his handsome features, including dark green eyes and jet-black hair, and a certain accent that was hard to trace, maybe a little British.

Escaping with a crying baby in his arms was the hard part of this endeavour, but Mike Twain had delivered Zachary James Ramsey, born November 24th 2005, to his employers deep underground base in Ester City, just east of Central City.

Unfortunately for Mike Twain, the Central City Police Department caught him two weeks later as he came back for another baby. After five days of interrogation, he was offered a deal by the stocky and dark skinned Lt. Cal Cullen, who had been promised a medal by Mayor Jennings.

The idea to plant a wire and a GPS locater on Mike was executed and the raid of a secret lab was successful, as all the babies from this lab and others like it had been returned to their parents. No questions asked about what Shade Syndicate were doing to their children were asked, or at least, none were answered.

This story centres around three of these children:

Zach Ramsey lives in Swift City with his mother 14 years later, his 15th birthday coming up soon, and is eager to begin his Pokémon Journey through Kinra (Taking the Gym Badge Challenge path 1 of 3) in two months…

Ally Hendrix was another child taken from Central City by Mike Twain a few months before Zach was and is now living in Sevenate City with her father, having recovered from a terrible boating accident and about to start her Contest Quest in two months…

Nat Sellings lives in Lanna Islands, just south of Kinra, and is one of the youngest archaeologists of his time, having graduated a year ago. While other kids his age can’t wait to begin journeys, he plans to stay home and continue studying the Yarra Tombs when two men dressed in black come to kill him…

But, on the same year the children would be going on their Pokémon Journeys, Shade Syndicate would make their move to retrieve their experiments and take what is theirs- special “changes” mixed in with the children’s DNA…
______________________________________
Hope you like. Be sure to give a little review or suggestions on making it dunno, better?
 
F

FeralChaosTrainer0520

Banned
WOW! This is cool!!! I love how you make the Shade Syndicate sound so ominous, especially with how they were abducting infants straight from St. Twelves Hospital!

Only question on my mind is what would this be rated?
 
A

Arcanine Royale

Well-Known Member
Well, you've got a nice idea here. However, the story isn't that exciting. First of all, a prologue should relaly only have one scene in it. Maybe you could describe the scene where the baby is kidnapped, with fleeting glimpse of the Shade Syndicate agent.

Also, you describe the three characters. You shouldn't really do this. I recommend waiting until the next chapter and introduce the characters whilst describing their action. This way, you don't just list it - a tecnique frowned upon by nearly all.

Anyway, the idea is great. I think its just the execution that needs a little work here.

Good luck.
 
M

Matt Silver

Rest My Chemistry
Arcanine Royale said:
Well, you've got a nice idea here. However, the story isn't that exciting. First of all, a prologue should relaly only have one scene in it. Maybe you could describe the scene where the baby is kidnapped, with fleeting glimpse of the Shade Syndicate agent.

Also, you describe the three characters. You shouldn't really do this. I recommend waiting until the next chapter and introduce the characters whilst describing their action. This way, you don't just list it - a tecnique frowned upon by nearly all.

Anyway, the idea is great. I think its just the execution that needs a little work here.

Good luck.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice. Btw the describing of the three characters wasnt part of the prolouge, just the preview bit. I'll take the rest of the advice in when I actually post it.

Thanks to you FeralChaosTrainer for the positive comments.
 
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