Priceless Disaster

[Freya]

My first fanfic please dont be too brutal my typing program doesnt have spellcheck more chapters to come

Priceless Disaster.

Author’s Notes

Characters: Kade (myself), Team Rocket, A lot of different pokemon.
Rating: Pg-13
Perspective: first person
I don’t own pokemon in anyway what so ever.
Chapters: I don’t know.

Chapter 1

I walk down a road towards Lilycove city, its quiet I can hear the Zizagoon playing in the grass. The chirping of the Tailow, followed by newbie trainers arguing who’s torchic is better, then I notice the silence of the lake. I stop to eat lunch in a patch of grass near the lake and hear a rustle in the bush. “Who’s there?” I ask. There is no answer, I ask again, still no answer. I walk over to see what is making the noise. I see a male with longish purple hair, a Meowth, and a girl with long red hair. All three gasp and back up. I smile at them and offer them lunch. They happily agree.

“Sorry for being so cautious I have been chased across this region by Team Aqua, and team Magma.” I explain to them. The Male goes “Thanks for the lunch kid you aren’t that bad.” The Meowth then says. “Yes we were all starved and what not”. I was startled and yelled, “What the hell is that?” The Girl says, ‘don’t mind out Meowth he can talk. I am Jessie, That is James, and you already met Meowth.” James then Asks, “Why are you being chased by those two teams anyways?” I then cautiously take out a pokeball. I throw it and emerges a Shiny Absol, With a hint of red all over its body while sparkles circle around it the three watch in total awe. “This is Abby, she is an extremely rare pokemon a term used for her is “Shiny” most people don’t even see one in their lives, I’m lucky to have caught one. Team Aqua and Magma want to steal her from me to get a large profit, she is priceless it is rare enough to have an Absol, but a shiny one is unheard of.” Meowth then grabs Jessie and James. “Hey kid can you excuse us for a minute.” He then whispers. “We got to get that Absol for the boss. Before you criticize the idea because it is a disaster pokemon listen. Imagine the boss making up on another one of his boring work days he would grab the Absol pokeball we sent him and throw it, Absol would emerge in a array of color and sparkles then he would say, ‘For getting me such a beautiful and rare pokemon, Meowth and friends will get bonuses, promotions, and even some of my secret rare pokemon to battle with’.” Jessie and James nod their heads and grab pokeball. “Hey kid give us your Absol or else.” Said Jessie releasing Seviper while James released Cacnea, which then hugged him. “Great more enemies oh well time to beat them like all the others Go Altaria, Milotic, Ninetales.” All three emerged ready to battle. “Altaria use sky attack of Cacnea, Then Milotic use ice beam on seviper, finally Ninetales, fire blast on Meowth.” Altaria glew with overwhelming power, while Milotic and Ninetales charged their elemental attacks, All three attacked at once. There was a massive explosion. The tree yelled, “Team Rocket is blasting of again!”

I think to myself, ‘My name is Kade Yatori, I am 15 years old, I have 1 Milotic, 1 Ninetales, 1 Gardevior, 1 Altaria, 1 Snesal, and 1 shiny Absol. My Absol is a disaster pokemon, because it is shiny everyone wants to steal it, it makes my life a Priceless Disaster.

 

[Yami Ryu]

... what is it with such short chapters lately?

I walk down a road towards Lilycove city, its quiet I can hear the Zizagoon playing in the grass.The chirping of the Tailow, followed by newbie trainers arguing who’s torchic is better, then I notice the silence of the lake.

That easily could be reworded to something like;

As I walk down the road that'll take me to Lilycove city, I can hear Zigzagoon playing in the grass, breaking the scenic silence that had lasted for most of my travel to the city. As I continue, the sounds of chirping Taillow greet me, before long trainers arguing over something I can't quiet make out, and a sigh escapes me. There went the peacefull morning, or so I thought untill I spotted a serene looking lake, and it looked like no one was close to it.

Even for first person, it's not impossible to but more depth or detailing into a story. It's not impossible to take your very rushed two/three paragraphs and elaborate and stretch them to something more rule abiding.

And your team borders Mary Sue- because you have an over used pokemon, a hard to get pokemon, and a shiny rare pokemon. I suggest you put in GREAT THOUGHT AND DETAIL as to HOW the trainer obtained an Absol that is shiny and give the shiny something to make it unique, as everyone knows how blooming hard it is to get a shiny- heaven knows how lucky I was to get atleast a shiny Slowbro for the two darned shiny Linoones I have :/

Your battle scene was rushed, there was no battle to be honest, you barely described anything, and I would have gotten more description from HARLEY SCARECROW. Okay and that's just sad. Cause I don't like Harley's battle style- but atleast he gives a larger clue as to WTF is going on!

Read the Rules for the Fanfic forum, read Advice for Aspiring Authors, and next time, don't write this in the reply box. Come back when you have a decent, unrushed length for the next chapter.

Oh and by the way: You have no permission from me to use the edit I did. You want your story better? YOU think up a new intro and stuff, not steal what I edited.