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Private Emotions (contestshipping)

Discussion in 'Shipping Fics' started by lara lynx, Jun 24, 2005.

  1. lara lynx

    lara lynx meow

    Ok, this is my first fic so be gentle. Its contestshipping (DrewxMay).
    Right so lets get started!
    and btw its pretty much PG all the way.

    1: Some things never change

    It was a bright autumn day, colourful and warm, in the modern town of Ambarona. The clear blue water of a large fountain shimmered at the centre of the pretty town as the warm late morning sun shone over it like a guardian. The air was sweet and fresh, and a soft breeze rustled the autumn leaves as Ash, May, Brock and Max walked through a nice little park that came out by the town’s famous fountain.

    ‘Wow, I can see why it’s famous,’ May exclaimed, watching the glittering waters as they cascaded in to the pool below.

    ‘What a great place to hold the contest,’ said Max.

    ‘The guidebook says the fountain is in honour of the pokemon called Femieday (fem-ee-day),’said Brock.

    May took out her pokedex. It opened and on the screen was an image of a pokemon. It had an antelope like look to it, with two long curving horns and an elegant deer like body, which was brownish-bay in colour. Going down the front of its neck and throat was white fur, and along its sides were two stripes, one black one purple. It had a long tail with what looked like a bell on the end of it.

    ‘Femieday,’ a female voice said, ‘is the gazelle pokemon. This psychic/normal type pokemon is said bring luck and romance, and is known to be very shy. It is supposed to come willingly to those who are deeply in love.

    ‘What a beautiful pokemon,’ May cried. ‘I wonder how it would do in a contest.’

    ‘And speaking of contests, you have one in two days. You should use all the time you have to train,’ Ash advised.

    ‘Well said,’ came a voice from behind them. ‘Maybe you should try to learn from your friend May.’

    They turned to see none other than Drew, smirking with his hands in his pockets.

    ‘Drew,’ said May in surprise. ‘What are you doing here?’

    ‘The same thing every other co-ordinator is doing, getting ready for the upcoming contest. All except you of course. I bet you don’t even know what pokemon your using yet.’

    The tone in Drew's voice irritated May. ‘I know exactly which pokemon I’m using, for your information,’ she exclaimed.

    ‘Go on then,’ Drew snickered. ‘Not that it matters much. None of your pokemon are much of a threat to anyone.’

    May gritted her teeth and glared at him. How was it that even on a beautiful morning when the sun was shinning, Drew still knew how to bring her down?

    Actually, the truth was that May hadn’t even considered which pokemon to use. She thought about it now and came to a quick decision.

    ‘I’m using beautifly,’ she said confidently.

    ‘Time for old classics then,’ Drew commented. ‘I’m using roselia.’

    ‘Flower boy returns,’ Ash muttered under his breath. He couldn’t help it as Drew gave him old memories of his own early years in training, when Gary was his rival. Ash knew just how infuriating it could be and what it could do to your confidence.

    Drew heard Ash and turned to him. ‘Excuse me? Are you forgetting how my roselia beat you.’

    Drew’s attitude angered both May and Ash greatly. Brock and Max, who had up until now been standing to the side, preferring not to get involved and let them handle it. However they could see it was going out of control and decided to stop it before the argument went any further.

    ‘Come on you two, lets go find some place quiet,’ Brock suggested.

    ‘Fine,’ said Ash moodily, ‘He’s not worth it anyway.’

    ‘Yeah, something’s never change,’ May added.

    As they walked away Drew stood by and watched them go.

    ‘Yeah,’ he whispered softly. ‘Something’s never change.’
    ***

    tell me what you think!
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2005
  2. Jo-Jo

    Jo-Jo blows stuff uhup

    Hey, this is pretty nice! You have some good descriptions, very vivid, and natural-sounding dialogue (I laughed at Ash's, "Flower boy returns" line)... in general, it's well-written. I like it. Since I can't write a review without going in nitpicker mode, though, I should point out a couple of things:

    1. Writing out Pokemon names phonetically in brackets can be distracting for the same reason as author's notes inserted in the narrative. If you want to let people know how to pronounce 'Femieday', I'd recommend just putting a note at the beginning or end of the fic. And you might not even have to bother, as it's a pretty easy word to work out.

    2. Femieday's Pokedex entry practically gives away a large chunk of the plot all by itself. Besides all else, the "will willingly come to those in love" thing is a bit of a plot-device to get two characters to snog, and it's also very similar to Luvdisc.

    3. At the point canon is up to, May and Drew are no longer as hostile towards each other as they were in the beginning. These days, Drew specialises in smug teasing rather than outright insults. And it's uncharacteristic of Ash to get involved in the May-Drew spats - the only time he's ever gotten properly angry at Drew was when Drew suggested he was too scared to enter a contest - and that was a long time ago. The argument in this chapter is really more reminiscent of the way May and Drew interacted back in 'Win, Lose or Drew' or 'Pros and Con Artists'.

    Anyway, that aside, it all looks great. Good luck with chapter two. ^_^
     
  3. Xiang

    Xiang Well-Known Member

    It's very good for a first try! A pinch more length, captitalizing a few Pokemon names, ad remembering your question marks and apostrphe rules and you'll be fine. (I dunno how to spell apostrphe, but in "Something's" you need to take away the " ' " otherwise you'll be saying "something is never change." Drew seems a speck too OOC, but I think he's fine.

    Other than that, great job!

    -Skitty ;300;
     
  4. MayShuufan

    MayShuufan Mrs Brendan Birch ^^

    I have to agree with Jo-Jo lara lynx but apart from that I really enjoyed reading your 1st chappie, the description at the beginning was beautiful. Anyway remember to try and keep Drew more like he has been recently and update soon ^_^
     
  5. WindyNight

    WindyNight Guest

    It was not bad for a first try, lara lynx...I like the plot...^^
    Hmm..Maybe you should do a future summary thingy...
    Update soon...^^
     
  6. xsweet_peax

    xsweet_peax +kiss of an angel+

    Nice. Its just weird how Ash and Drew would be fighting cause Ash always seems happy to see Drew. They seem to get along pretty well or at least acknowledge each other’s existence. They dont really fight much and are pretty much neutral with each other. Also, Drew seems harsher than usual XD. Its also a little bit short but there are a lot of details so thats good. Other than that, great job.

    Um, if you can...please PM me once you updated.
     
  7. Sweet May

    Sweet May o.o

    itz a good plot like WindyNight said.............
    can't wait 4 next chapter^ ^
    pm me^ ^
     
  8. lara lynx

    lara lynx meow

    Thanx you guys ^^
    ok I know Drew is way OOC, but I'm afraid thats a bad habit I have. I'm working on it, but just be warned in case it happens again -_-;
    I'll PM xsweet_peax and Sweet May when i've got the next chapter, which shouldn't be long. And I'll try to make it better coz I know this chapter sucked.
    Anyway thanx for R&Ring it.
     
  9. Sweet May

    Sweet May o.o

    kk.............. can't wait 4 ur next chappie^__^
     
  10. Rider

    Rider . . S K Y L I G H T

    hey Lara! I didn't even need to read this chappie! Lol. Now that you've updated your first fic twice, onceo n your webbie, and once here, how about that second chapter? Lol. I'll wait for it! again...lol jk, just can't wait for the next one! But somehow, on your website, it seems longer/takes up more web space... oh well! It really is a nice chappie though!
    -MiniMinun
     
  11. i think its suprisingly descriptive for a first fic. you did make drew a little too mean, but the other characters were pretty much the same (scept for ashes hostility). anyway, dont use the "only comes to lovers" plot device. other then that im quite impressed at how well written it is for a first attempt
     
  12. lara lynx

    lara lynx meow

    Okay, heres the second chapter. IMO its not as good as the first, but tell me what you think. Oh, and sorry to MiniMinun whos had to wait about twice as long as everybody else. ^^;

    2: Mysteries

    May, Ash and co. had found a nice place just a little way from the femieday fountain in a small green to train.

    The sun was still shining vigorously out of a harsh blue sky. The grass was green and healthy, and the trees standing round the green were baring leaves of beautiful colours, from auburn to lemon yellow.

    Since she had already told her rival she was using beautifly in the upcoming contest, May had no choice but to stick to her word. Before letting the pokemon out of its ball, she inhaled the clean air deeply and let it out slowly, controlling the anger only Drew could make her feel. She was now even more determined to win Ambarona’s contest, and even more importantly, beat Drew.

    Forget him now, she thought to herself, its time to work on my presentation for the contest.

    ‘Beautifly, its showtime,’ May cried as she threw the small ball into the air. The big butterfly sprung out of it in a shower of sparkling dust.

    Standing back from the group, camouflaged by the trees, Drew spied on May, being careful not to be seen. Not bad, he thought. Maybe she is getting quite good.

    He stood and watched for a while. However, he had not come to see the pokemons display, more for the trainers.

    He sighed. ‘Forget it,’ said a voice in his head, ‘she hates you, you’ve made sure of that.’

    Drew knew the voice was right. He had tried so hard to cover up his true feelings, that he’d gone over the top, making out he was a complete jerk and pushing May away. He hadn’t meant to make her hate him, or to show himself up as an arrogant prick. And, truth be told, he wasn’t actually like that. He was sweet and friendly, and just a little bit lonely, most of the time. But something about May brought out the bad side in him. Maybe he was just scared of what might happen if May were ever to find out the truth. But the result could be good, Drew reasoned with himself. He sighed again, as he stared out to where May was practising. He loved her girlishness, and eagerness, and the way she was always so innocent and cute. He loved everything about her.

    He dropped the arms that had been folded at his chest, and got off the tree he had been leaning against. He took one last look towards May, then turned and walked away.

    ***

    May and her friends had become hot and hungry after practising in the midday sun. They needed to get to the shade of a café, to cool off and refuel.

    They found a nice, welcoming place down the towns little High Street. They walked in to see it was bigger and much more spread out than it looked from the outside. Everything was bright and lively inside. They ordered burgers and fries, and went to sit round one of the red tables.

    The food came swiftly, and the group were enjoying it and chatting happily, when May looked to the door and saw a certain green haired co-ordinator walk in. he didn’t seem to notice her, in fact he didn’t seem to notice anything, walking as if in a dream. He looked strangely out of place one his own, in the active and high spirited hangout.

    He seemed to be deep in thought and looked somewhat down and unhappy. He sat at a small table in an alcove away from the light. May wondered why there was no one with him, and realised Drew always seemed to be on his own. She had never seen him chat to others, or even try to make friends. Come to think of it, May hadn’t even seen Drew’s parents attend the Grand Festival to watch him. He was a loner. And yet he was so conceited, vein, snobbish. He always tried his best to show up May. But then, what about those flowers?

    May sighed. Drew was a mystery.

    ‘What do you think May?’ said Ash turning to the thoughtful brunette.

    May started, and realised her friends had been speaking to her. ‘Uh, oh yeah, sure,’ she replied, not knowing, or caring, for what she was agreeing to.

    From the corner May saw Drew get up and leave, yet May couldn’t remember seeing him order any food.

    ‘Hey come on, lets go check out the town, then you can train some more May,’ said Max. ‘But how come you haven’t touched your burger?’

    May saw he was right, but she found she was no longer hungry. Then to her friend’s surprise, she stood up. ‘Aren’t we going to see the town then?’

    They left together to look round the beautiful town of Ambarona, and May soon forgot all about Drew and his odd ways. Little did she know that she was about to find out a lot more about him.
     
  13. Xiang

    Xiang Well-Known Member

    This is really good, your description is better than before, and you kept me hooked. It could use more length, but its quality makes up for the quantity. Good job, and keep it up!

    -Pichu Gurl ;172;
     
  14. Sweet May

    Sweet May o.o

    itz a great chappie................ loved da whole thin.............. plus a lot more descriptive than mines............ excellent work lara lynx.............. can't wait 4 ur next chapter^_^
     
  15. WindyNight

    WindyNight Guest

    Great chapter, lara_lynx...But as said, maybe you should make it a little longer....
    Other than that, excellent job! ^_^
     
  16. Rider

    Rider . . S K Y L I G H T

    YES!! lol. about time! it was great, and I agree with everyone else! your chappie could use a LOT more length, but either way, it was pretty nice! I read the chappie on your website, and all I can say is one or two? words. Proofread. Your quatation marks are question marks and stuff. but otherwise it's all cool.
    -MiniMinun
     
  17. xsweet_peax

    xsweet_peax +kiss of an angel+

    uh, its really weird with Drew like that. I mean, I just cant see Drew being all sad and thinking about how much he loves May and her cute and innocent way. It's just weird and too lovey dovey! Also, the length was a little too shirt. Other than that, everything is fine.
     
  18. MayShuufan

    MayShuufan Mrs Brendan Birch ^^

    Another nice chappie lara lynx *claps hands* well done. Anyway I enjoyed reading chapter 2 but i'm a bit suprised that Drew is secretly nice inside in this ficcie. Update soon ^_^
     
  19. deoxysmaster8000

    deoxysmaster8000 no-one can beat me!!

    love it:)

    that.....was......AWSOME!!!!!!! i loved it keep going!!!!
    oh and mayshuufan i like the banner (ash/misty and may/drew are so right for eachother)*curses at ash and drews luck with girls*

    well i'll*deoxys raises mallet*i mean we'll be seing you(i count myself as deoxys is my partner, dont ask why)
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2005
  20. Rider

    Rider . . S K Y L I G H T

    hmm, your fourth chapter still needs work. On your website, on the first sentence (i think) it says "Ambarona?s" thats supposed to be an apostraphe(augh bad spelling). Then your quotation marks became question marks again! and then, what's "the green?" do you mean "the clearing?" lol. I think you need to find a spell checker, or someone to look over your story. again, longer length wouldn't hurt, unless you've got it all planned out already, which I think, (from previous PM's) you do. Otherwise, it's a good plot, though you lose me sometimes with your grammar mistakes.
     

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