Psychic Angel (M)

[Princess Raspberyl]

Just a fair warning, this fanfic WILL get very violent in the later chapters. Just a fair warning if you're incredibly squimish. -nods- ^^; Also, the italics means the Pokemon (in this case, Ralts) are speaking telepathetically or thinking to themselves.

PM list:

Spoiler: PM List

No one so far, just ask if you want to be added to it.

Chapter 1: “The weak get eaten, the strong survive.”

“The strong get eaten, the strong survive.” Was the philosophy forced upon the Pokemon that have been forced to serve the humans here for the past few years. The strong Pokemon survive, the weak get beaten. Abused. Mistreated. The strong Pokemon are loved, the ones that are naturally weak get walked on, stepped on, unloved.


Team Radon. In one word, Darwinism. The weak get eaten, the strong survive. To survive here, you need to adapt to the harsh environment you're stuck in. In my case, I had no choice but to join. Me and my Ralts, this is our first mission with this team. Ralts has been my best friend ever since the day I got him.


I treated him like a brother and he looked up to me like I was his big sister. I didn't attest nor believe in any philosophy they upheld. I treated my Pokemon like family. I hated seeing them stepped on like they were here. Ralts has been my partner ever since I was 10.


Well, no looking back. I'm stuck here whether I like it or not. Here's the story of my first mission, and my story in Team Radon.


A girl with long, auburn hair, a long black dress, and black ballet flats slowly opened her eyes and yawned. She was sleeping on a crate. ...Maybe this wasn't the best idea. Not like a train had any better sleeping locations anyways.


Auburn-haired girl: (yawns) Morning, Ralts.


Ralts: Morning, Angel.


Angel: (rolls off the crate and stretches) We almost there?


Ralts: (raises its hand to its mouth and tilts head)


Angel: ...That a no?


Ralts: (nods)


Angel: (waves off) Well, there ain't no getting off this train either way. At least, not till it stops. (pets Ralts)


Ralts: (looks at his trainer affectionately) Well, who knows. Maybe our first mission won't be so bad. (smiles)


Angel: Optimistic as ever I see. Well, I'm heading back to sleep. Wake me up when we get there. (rolls on her side and heads back to sleep)


~ 1 hour later ~


Ralts: (pushes Angel) Wake up, the train stopped.


Angel: (rubs head and looks out the window) ...Well, they certainly know how to throw a party. Hardly any Pokemon, this place reeks like a Garbador, and I feel like I need to puke. Bleh, this place reeks. I can smell it from the train.


Ralts: I don't wanna stay here any longer then we have to, Angel.


Angel: Right, I know. (reaches for the piece of paper stuck in her bag) Ok, what it says here is that we need to pick up a Pokemon egg. Sounds simple enough.


Ralts: (climbs up in her bag)


Angel: Right, let's get this show on the road. (walks out the train and heads into the rundown area)


Ralts: (covers its nose) This place reeks!


Angel: I think this was a battlefield of the war a few years back. I remember reading about it in a book once.


Ralts: The war? The one between humans and Pokemon?


Angel: Yeah, that one. Humans used weaponry like rifles, cannons, bombs, just whatever they could find that would hurt Pokemon. I imagine with the creepy air about this place and how much it reeks it would be a graveyard for the humans and Pokemon that died.


Ralts: (lowers head sadly) I don't like war or violence... let's just go for what we came to get and leave.


Angel: Cannot say I'm fond of it either. Many casualities happened in that war, but the good thing is that we're still standing, is it not?


Ralts: Yes, but still...


Angel: (runs hand through hair and looks at Ralts) Well, let's get going. There's supposed to be a house after we walk through the Graveyard in here. We'll be out of here soon enough.


Ralts: (nods happily)


Angel: (walks through the graveyard and stops)


Ralts: Huh? Why are you stopping? (tilts head confusedly)


Angel: There's a lot of graves here... (bows in respect)


Ralts: Did you know anyone who died in the war?


Angel: No, I did not. I just thought it would be common courtesy to respect the Pokemon and humans that died there. Like you said, war is truly a vicious thing. Well, we have a mission to complete, and the sooner we get out of here, the sooner I can forget this stench. (covers nose) Blech, this place reeks more then a Garbador.


Ralts: (thinks to self) Respecting dead Pokemon she didn't even know... that's Angel all right. The same kind, yet sarcastic and coolheaded trainer I know. (giggles to self)


Angel: (opens door slowly and shouts) Hello! Anyone here!


[A short, old man slowly walked into the front room.]


Old man: (confused) Hello?


Angel: (bows in respect) Hello, my name's Angel. I'm here for the Pokemon egg you have here, I'm a member of Team Radon. (brings out team identification)


Old man: Oh, so they happen to be sending a little girl for a mission like this?


Angel: (sighs) Sadly yes. I imagine they didn't want to be stuck with the icky jobs.


Old man: (hands her the egg) Take good care of it, and make sure it gets back there safely.


Angel: (shrugs) Wouldn't dream of dropping it. They'd throw my body out the train if I did anyways. Bye, I need to head back to the train now. I gotta deliver this egg or they'd kill me. (puts the egg in the bag)


Ralts: (waves at the old man)


Angel: (walks out the door and heads back to the train)


Angel: (sighs in relief) So glad we got out of there as fast as we did. (gets the Pokemon egg out) I wonder what's inside it.


Ralts: Knowing Team Radon it's not a weak Pokemon... it's gotta be something cool. (pokes the egg gently)


Angel: (nods) Well, that much is certain... let's get some sleep. It's at least an hour's drive back to the base. Have to look our best for the boss, or else. (pets Ralts and smiles)


Ralts: (pumps up it's tiny little arms energetically) Right! (falls asleep on one of the train seats)


Angel: (yawns and stretches) Well, I'm certainly not sleeping on that crate this time. That thing is uncomfortable... night, Ralts. (curls up on the train seat and closes eyes)

 

[Adrak]

I really like the interaction between Angel and Ralts. ^^ The setting is really interesting so far and I'm looking forward to learning about Team Radon's ulterior motives. ^^
Really excellent job on this first chapter.

 

[Shymain]

Pretty good for a script fic – most people tend to stuff them up a lot. I, honestly, prefer not to read script fics, but meh, I'll give it a shot!

The plot is developing well, which is pretty good.

The only major complaint that I have is that the script format is holding the characters back from having, well, character.

Oh, and this:

A short, old man slowly walked into the front room.

Should be in brackets, not bonded, because it's an action.

Well, I like how this is turning out!

Keep Writing!

-Shymain

 

[Princess Raspberyl]

Chapter 2

Chapter 2 : “Dark Battles.”

(Just a fair warning, it gets slightly gory near the end. ^^; If you're squimish do not read this. ^^; )

[The train had stopped. Angel had walked off the train with Ralts and the Pokemon egg in tow. She walked in the Team Radon base and headed to the top floor. She knocked on the door.]


[A tall, brunette man dressed in a nice suit waved Angel in.]


Angel: Hello sir. (bows in respect) I got the egg you wanted. (reaches out of the backpack and hands him the egg)


Brunette man: Good job, Angel. Glad to hear your first mission went well.


Angel: (eyes suspiciously for a second then nods) Yes sir. No trouble was had.


Ralts: (telepathic message) Expect for the fact that place stunk!


Angel: Well, I'm out sir. (walks out the door and leans against the wall)


Ralts: (waves tiny little arms rapidly) I wonder what he wants with that egg!


Angel: (calmly) In all liability it's likely a Pokemon he wants. (crosses arms) What I wonder is why the Graveyard keeper had it. The graveyard seems like the last place someone would keep an egg.


Ralts: (rubs head) Well, it could be some kind of supermegaawesome Pokemon!


Angel: (smiles slightly and laughs) Keep your pretty little green hat in place mister, I'm sure it's plenty awesome. I do have my suspicions though.


Ralts: (tilts head confused) Suspicions...?


Angel: Maybe I'm just overthinking things. (bites hand slightly)


Ralts: (sighs and says in stern tone) You always overthink things, and stop biting your hand. You'll give it teeth marks.


Angel: (rolls eyes and says in sarcastic tone) Yes, mother.


Ralts: So, what now...? (looks confused)


Angel: We have the rest of the day to ourselves. (bites hand slightly) The Battle Arena's nearby. Wanna check it out?


Ralts: (looks up at Angel with slightly sad eyes)


Angel: (sighs) Yes Ralts, I can read you like a book. No I will not make you fight.


Ralts: (looks hopeful and climbs on Angel's head)


[Angel walks over to the Battle Arena and slowly opens the door.]


Ralts: Hey, there's a battle going on.


[There was a Mightyena and a Clefairy in the arena. A girl with pale skin, black hair, and blue eyes was standing on the side of the Mightyena with a wide smirk on her face. A girl with red hair, a pink barette, wearing a pink sundress was standing by the Clefairy. Both of them were ready to fight. Mightyena smiled a chilling grin at the Clefairy, while Clefairy froze up and looked like it would faint any moment.]


Angel: (observing the Mightyena) This isn't good... that Mightyena looks like it's out for blood. (looks nervous)


Ralts: (covers eyes timidly) That Clefairy looks terrified out of its mind!


Angel: I am not liking where this is going...


Ralts: Is that Mightyena planning on hurting that Clefairy badly?


Angel: (gulps and observes the trainer) That trainer looks way too happy at her Mightyena's behavior.


Paleskinned girl : (smirks) Mightyena, we're starting this off! Bite into that puny fairy with Crunch!


Ralts: That doesn't sound good! (cowers in fear)


[Mightyena charged all too eagerly at the Clefairy, while Angel watched with her eyes wide open in shock. Clefairy had ran in fear of the Mightyena while the redhead looked like she was ready to faint. Mightyena had caught up to the terrified Clefairy with a look of bloodlust in its eyes. Mightyena had pounced at the Clefairy and bit into the Clefairy's small, pink right ear. It sunk its teeth into it and tears it off. Clefairy welped in pain as blood spilled out from where the ear used to be, which Mightyena chewed on happily and licked its lips, while tasting the blood of that Clefairy. Angel stood up and glared at the pale-skinned girl.]



Angel: Hey! Get your Mightyena under control! You'll hurt the Clefairy even worse if that rabid mutt sinks its teeth into it like its a meal!


Paleskinned girl: (pouts) Hmph, not my fault if that Clefairy can't stand up for itself.


Angel: (glares and says in angry tone) Get your Mightyena under control, now.



Paleskinned girl: (sighs and says in disappointed voice) Hmph, fine. Mightyena, stop biting on that pathetic fairy. (returns Mightyena to pokeball) (whispers under breath) Killjoy.


[The Clefairy was touching where its right ear used to be. Its hand shook in fear as it touched the blood. The Clefairy's trainer looked at Clefairy, horrified. Ralts slowly opened its eyes and fainted upon the sight of the Clefairy's missing ear.]


Angel: (looks in shock at the Clefairy and then glares at the pale-skinned girl) Hey! You should of kept your Mightyena under control! You could of killed that Clefairy!


Paleskinned girl: (looks at Angel confused) Hmm? You make it sound like it would have been a bad thing if that pathetic fairy died.


Angel: (grabs her by the shirt and pushes her to a wall) What?! That Clefairy could of died if not for the fact I intervened!


Ralts: (panics and signals Angel to calm down) Angel, calm down! Let go of her!


Angel: (releases the girl and walks towards the Clefairy and looks at her trainer) Get it to the Nurse. (says in concerned voice) Now.


Redhaired trainer: (panics) Y-yes! (grabs Clefairy and heads off to the Nurse)


Angel: (grabs Ralts and heads off to their room)


~ During the Nighttime~


Angel: (rolls over on her side and sighs)


Ralts: Are you still mad about what happened earlier?


Angel: (says in angry tone) It disgusts me how they treat Pokemon. That Clefairy could of gotten killed.


Ralts: It's good you intervened, but... I have bad vibes about that girl.


[Angel turns off the lamp.]


Angel: Goodnight Ralts. We have another mission tomorrow. (falls asleep)


Ralts: (says in concerned voice) Night...

 

[Shymain]

...uh, yeah, this is more like PG-13.

Are you sure that you're 18 or older? Because I've noticed frequent punctuation mistakes. If you're not that old, why write something that only that age can read?

...cliché. Really? A pale, evil trainer comes and heartlessly attacks a Pokémon? Where have I seen that before... Oh, yes, pretty much every cliché fanfic that there is. Be creative! We don't need another Silver or Blue! We need an original character of your creation.

Well, on the bright side, you're doing well with Ralts's character development, even though you're writing script format. Angel, however, seems bipolar – either that, or you haven't made your mind up about her personality.

I do like, however, the level of realism in the battles, even if the grammar is lacking. It almost – ALMOST – makes up for the grammar.

Look, I know the best thing that I could do right now is point out every grammar error, but, frankly, I don't have time, so I won't do that. I will, however, say that you need to read your story to yourself out loud before posting it, so that you can catch every opportunity where the writing gets bumpy, and make it flow smoothly.

Keep Writing!

-Shymain

 

[Psychic]

Script fics aren’t always easy to write, but you're off to a pretty good start! You include a good amount of directions and descriptions, which is always a positive sign. it's always refreshing to see someone who can write script format properly, haha. There are a few mistakes here and there and things that should be fixed, however. Luckily they are very easy to edit and won't take very long to do. For instance, in a script you need to describe the setting in every new scene. This means you need to describe the train, the village, the graveyard, the Team Radon base, the office, the Battle Arena and so on. I also notice you repeat phrases sometimes, like "this place reeks like a Garbador" is used twice, so try to fix that.

A general issue I see here is that is looks like you’re just trying to make your fic look edgy and dark, which can be interesting...but it looks like you're doing it just for the sake of being edgy and dark. As a result, the things that happen don't always make sense. For example, Team Radon encouraging people to abuse and mistreat Pokemon. There is no logical reason for this. They’re unnecessarily cruel to a point that it's unrealistic, and it just comes off as silly. Another example is the battle Angel witnesses. If she and Ralts both dislike violence, why would they go? The pale girl is incredibly cruel during battle for no reason – it’s just a practice fight, after all. And the other trainer is ridiculously timid – why would she join Team Radon if she can't handle such cruelty? Why would she agree to a Pokemon battle if she freezes up and is too shocked to issue a command?

This leads to my other issue with this story. It kind of just looks like you put Angel into situations with cruelty just so you can show how kind and caring she is. You put her in an evil team so she can talk about how evil the team is all the time. You make her stop to pay her respects in the graveyard just to show how compassionate and respectful she is, and then have Ralts pretty much directly say “wow, look how compassionate and respectful this character is!” You make her watch a ridiculously cruel battle just so she can scold the cruel trainer and show how much she hates seeing Pokemon get hurt. It ends up looking like you just try to make situations where Angel can prove how good of a person she is, instead of letting her show this naturally as the story progresses.


I also have a few nitpicks, since as Shymain said, there are a few mistakes here that are pretty noticeable and that you should definitely fix.

Chapter 1:

“The strong get eaten, the strong survive.” Was the philosophy forced upon the Pokemon that have been forced to serve the humans here for the past few years.

I think you mean "the weak get eaten." You don't want to have mistakes in your very first sentence. The period after “survive” should also be a comma, since everything I quoted is all once sentence. This is because the second sentence doesn’t make any sense if you just read it on its own. Alternatively, if you want to keep the period, say “This was the philosophy” instead.

Auburn-haired girl: (yawns) Morning, Ralts.

You don’t have to wait until a character’s name is said out loud every single time to give their name. Especially if their name is provided immediately after.

Angel: Yeah, that one. Humans used weaponry like rifles, cannons, bombs, just whatever they could find that would hurt Pokemon. I imagine with the creepy air about this place and how much it reeks it would be a graveyard for the humans and Pokemon that died.

You don’t have to say what weapons were used in a war, especially because it doesn’t really look good when you clearly don’t know what kinds of weapons are used in wars. Also, if the bodies from the war are buried, then the place won’t actually smell. You talk about the smell a lot, and it gets pretty repetitive.

Angel: (shrugs) Wouldn't dream of dropping it. They'd throw my body out the train if I did anyways. Bye, I need to head back to the train now. I gotta deliver this egg or they'd kill me. (puts the egg in the bag)

Another case of repetition. She just said they’d throw her out the train, so she doesn’t need to add that they’d kill her a sentence later. She already got that idea across, so you don't need to say it again.


Chapter 2:

Angel: (calmly) In all liability it's likely a Pokemon he wants.

The word you want is “likelihood.”

[A tall, brunette man dressed in a nice suit waved Angel in.]
[There was a Mightyena and a Clefairy in the arena. A girl with pale skin, black hair, and blue eyes was standing on the side of the Mightyena with a wide smirk on her face. A girl with red hair, a pink barette, wearing a pink sundress was standing by the Clefairy.]
Mightyena had pounced at the Clefairy and bit into the Clefairy's small, pink right ear. It sunk its teeth into it and tears it off.

These are examples of being inconsistent with your verb tenses. The rest of the fic is in present tense, but these parts are in past tense, so be sure to fix them and keep an eye out for this in the future.

Angel: (looks in shock at the Clefairy and then glares at the pale-skinned girl) Hey! You should of kept your Mightyena under control! You could of killed that Clefairy!
Angel: (grabs her by the shirt and pushes her to a wall) What?! That Clefairy could of died if not for the fact I intervened!
Ralts: (panics and signals Angel to calm down) Angel, calm down! Let go of her!

You forgot to bold the first “Angel.” Also, the expression is “could have” not “could of.”
Be careful to describe things. Angel wasn’t even close to the girl before, so describe her walking over to the other trainer, and last thing we saw was Ralts fainting, so if he woke back up, describe it.



It looks like you have an interesting premise here. However, don't focus so much on showing off just how cruel and awful this world is and just how nice and good Angel is. It feels forced, so it comes off as a little over-the-top. Also, be sure to reread your work - proofread it a few times before posting it so you have a better chance of noticing any mistakes, allowing you to fix them.

Don't give up on the idea completely, but you should definitely consider making some changes. With some time and effort, you'll definitely have a great fic. Good luck!

~Psychic