Pure of Heart

[gofishyfish]

Hey everyone! Here's to my first story on this site, woooooo! Let me explain something to you really quick about this fic before we get started. It's in the spoiler below if you want to read it.

Spoiler: Background Info About This Story

So, this was originally posted on Wattpad as a chapter in a collection of one-shots as a...well, a one-shot (duh!). Then, I revised it to be an even longer one-shot that I entered into a competition on that site. Unfortunately, it didn't win anything. I got a reviewer to look over the story for me (she had been a judge in the competition and had even nominated me for the "Most Thought Provoking Story" award). She told me it was a good concept, but it was just too cramped as a one-shot. So, taking her advice to heart, I'm turning it into a longer story. Maybe a short story, maybe an actual epic journey. We'll see just how much I write.

It will start out PG then get to some parts where it's PG-13. Here's a quick blurb too with a description of the story in case you're curious about what you're getting into:

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, chasing dreams causes people to do some crazy things. The chase for knowledge can lead to another chase, then another, then another. Sometimes, you just have to know when to give up, or risk losing it all.

The end result is sometimes worth it, that is, until you realize you're still missing puzzle pieces. No matter how fast you run, how clever you are, or how hard you believe in yourself, the finish line will always slip away. It leaves you crushed and beaten; forcing you to go home with your tail between your legs.

At least, that's how most people feel. But, I am not most people.


I hope you enjoy Pure of Heart


Chapter 1: 100% COMPLETE

My last hope arced toward my target, halting suddenly in midair as if trapped in an invisible hold. How? I wondered in shock at the floating Master Ball. Mewtwo, in its heavily injured state, had still managed to stop the ball from colliding with itself using its weakened powers. That was all I needed, for the ball to have only touched its body. The creature screamed, the sound ricocheting off the cave walls, and the ball exploded into a majestic display of pink and purple shrapnel. The ultimate catching device had failed me, leaving me with only one option left.

I hesitantly reached into my bag, fumbling around for what I needed. With my other hand, I wiped the sweat beads forming on my forehead. I felt some out of place hairs, and swept them back into my ponytail. Maybe, I should've worn a headband, I pondered. Shaking my head, I cleared away the thought, No, I have to focus. Pulling the last measly Great Ball out of my bag, I ordered my Charizard over to me with a whistle.

The Pokémon snapped his head around from Mewtwo to me. His eyes were narrowed and his fangs were barred. Opening his majestic wings, he soared over to me in a heartbeat. I jumped onto the Pokémon's back as he whipped by in midair and latched on with my free hand, all while I mentally prepared myself for the daring maneuver that had to work. Or else, this trip through Cerulean Cave had been for naught.

"Charizard, I need you to fly at Mewtwo straight on," I explained. "Let it begin to charge an attack. Then, circle around its back and hover for as long as you can before flying around to face it again." The Pokémon nodded at my commands and began his part of my plan.

We swooped down toward Mewtwo, allowing the wild Pokémon to begin its future sight attack. It had solely been using that attack for the past few minutes of the battle, which led me to believe that the psychic type was out of power on its other moves. This battle had continued for too long, and both of us were out of options. At the last second, Charizard dipped out of the way of Mewtwo's attack; the sheer power of the move whooshed by me, leaving my ears ringing.

At the height of Charizard's flight, I jumped off of his back. My Pokémon cried out as he felt my weight leave him, but I knew what I was doing leaving nothing to worry about. Mewtwo, not expecting such a daring--but also dumb--move, kept its eyes glued to Charizard as I fell behind its back. The Pokémon had no time to turn and face me once it realized I was no longer riding on Charizard. I threw the Great Ball in the creature's brief moment of obliviousness. Only its eyes had caught up with my motion as the ball struck it on the head.

Charizard and I were breathing heavily now, watching as red energy swirled into the contraption I had just thrown. My right leg throbbed with pain now, my microsecond diagnosis had determined that it was at least sprained; that was a best-case scenario considering the distance I had fallen. The energy had now finished its spectacular display and the last traces of Mewtwo disappeared into thin air. This last Great Ball--and for that matter, last Poké Ball--had to catch it, or else this was the end of my hopes and dreams. The ball dropped harshly to the ground, making a hollow pinging sound when it hit. The ball shook violently.

One, I counted in my head.

It shook again. Two.

It hesitated to shake a third time, and the metal bolts that were tightened into the sides of the ball seemed like they were going to explode off at any moment. I could hear the sharp metal on metal grinding sound. My heart beat faster as I watched the bolts begin to back out.

Reluctantly, the ball shook again. Three. Come on, come on!

Charizard and I watched on bated breath for the final signal that the Pokémon was captured. He ducked his head to view the ball straight on, as if getting a better angle would allow the ball to have a greater chance to capture the Pokémon . I held my hands clenched in tight fists close to my body. I bit my lip so hard that it was beginning to hurt. It felt like one little movement might have broken the spell that seemed to be cast on the area.

Finally, little white stars jumped out from the top of the ball. The red and blue sphere sat perfectly still on the ground in front of me. I deemed it safe to breathe again and let air escape then refill my lungs. "We did it!" I screamed as loud as I could. The pain in my leg seemed to fade away in my moment of triumph and instead joy filled me.

Charizard jumped at the sudden noise, whipping around to prepare for another attack. He flared his tail's flame while growling in the back of his throat at me. "Woah buddy, don't hurt me," I eased my tense partner. "It's just, well," I began calmly, but excitement exploded through me again. "We did it!" I limped as fast as I could over to my partner to embrace him in a hug. He flinched away from me at first, but soon I felt his wings wrap around my body and his head set down gently on mine.

I pulled away again, remembering the newly caught Pokémon on the ground mere feet from us. "How could I forget?" I said as I swooped my hand down the grab the ball. The metal was still warm, it had yet to cool down from its intense battle to keep the beast inside its walls.

I looked down at the ball, knowing that I couldn't see what was in the contraption, but I could still feel the raw energy of the monster that now resided inside. I grabbed my Pokédex from the clip on my bag and looked at the new entry. I felt warm inside when I noticed the message "100% COMPLETE" at the top of the computer's display. I had truly caught them all. The feeling of joy flared even higher inside of me. I typed up a quick summary of what I knew about Mewtwo from Team Rocket's notes about it.

#150 Mewtwo, the Genetic Pokémon
It was created by a scientist after years of horrific gene splicing and DNA engineering experiments.

"I feel bad for the Pokémon used to create this guy," I said solemnly. "Team Rocket probably erased so many innocent lives to create their ultimate weapon." I drew the ball in close to my body in the closest position that I could get to a hug with a ball. "But not anymore, I'm going to make sure you get the love and attention you deserve. Just because you were created from the countless sacrifices of other Pokémon, doesn't mean you don't deserve love."

I looked over my shoulder to Charizard, waving him towards me with one hand while holding the ball in the other. "Let's get out of here, I need to get home and show this and my Pokédex to Oak as soon as possible."

Charizard waddled over to me as fast as he could. I noticed he had quite a few scrapes and scratches on his body, and I also saw that his breathing was shallow and ragged. I probably didn't look or sound too much better. "Don't worry," I told him, "We can stop at a Pokémon Center on the way home. You look like you need it."

He bent down, allowing me to climb onto his back. It would be a tight squeeze, flying on Charizard to get out of Cerulean Cave, but I trusted my partner enough to fly us to safety. I stroked his head as I settled onto his back. Once in place, I gently gave him a kick in his side. His powerful wings unfolded, and we took to the air. After rushing up to meet the sky outside of the cave, I pulled my diary out and began a new entry.

-----

Dear Diary,

Today I completed the Pokédex Professor Oak gave me. I was ecstatic to see the "100% Complete" message at the top of the machine. Although my Pokédex journey is complete, I'm still some ways away from the end of my entire journey. I have yet to make it back to Pallet Town. As I am writing this, I am flying away from Cerulean Cave on Charizard after completing the great challenge of capturing the rogue Mewtwo. It was a worthy opponent, I would even say it was a tougher battle than facing the entirety of the Elite Four; and that was a challenge in and of itself! I just can't wait to get home, rest, and prove to Professor Oak my completion of his task.

-----

Charizard soared over Kanto as I finished up writing. I wrote every time I did something noteworthy, so I treasured this diary greatly. It was a spectacular record filled with my adventures. I flipped back through the pages, reliving my journey as I went. Reading about picking my starter, Charmander, filled me with the same excited and nervious energy I had that day. Charizard was so cute and tiny back then. I felt proud as I remembered my victorious first gym battle and how tough it was with a fire starter. Remembering the first time I defeated those Team Rocket jerks brought a smile to my face. Getting the final badge, facing off with the Elite Four, and capturing the legendary birds were some of the biggest highlights in the book. It filled me with awe to look back on those battles. They had all happened so close together in time that the memories blurred together in one giant action sequence like something I would see on TV. It filled me with joy to see how far I had come. And now, I had the unbelievable opportunity to write about capturing Mewtwo.

I couldn't help but thumb through the rest of the empty pages. So few pages filled, and so many more blank ones to go. I placed the pen back in its place on the front cover then placed the diary in my bag that currently hung around Charizard's neck. I still had Mewtwo's ball on my belt instead of in my bag. It just didn't feel right to put it away yet. After all, it was such a monumental catch.

"What do you think we're gonna do next?" I asked Charizard while scratching his head. The fire type roared a response as he continued to guide us back home. "It can't get much better than this," I gestured to Mewtwo's ball as I spoke. "But then again, we still have so many more pages to fill in our diary. Guess we'll just have to wait and find out what comes our way.

"All I know is that I want you by my side the entire time." I hugged Charizard around the neck, and he growled softly in return. The future looked bright for both of us.

 

[Chibi Pika]

Hi there, and welcome to the forum! Hope you enjoy your stay! ^^

Okay, you grabbed my attention immediately with that opening paragraph (catching Legendaries is relevant to my interests.) I feel that an oft-overlooked aspect of the Master Ball is that while it might be infallible, it has to actually make contact! You do a pretty good job setting up a thick tone of suspense with the capture, too. From the fake-out tactic that requires the trainer to actually ride into battle in order to get close enough to have a shot, to the agonizing wait to see if the Great Ball would hold (complete with actual physical damage happening to the ball, which I haven’t seen before.)

I’m intrigued because you’ve got an opening that’s normally the end of the journey—the climactic final moment that the entire story had led up to—and it’s your intro! That’s really interesting. And there’s a lot of questions this opens up. How will other people react to this girl catching the most powerful Pokémon in the world? How will Mewtwo react to being captured? How unruly or violent will his reaction be? How will this affect her Pokémon training from now on? Now, you’re obviously going with a game-canon, Pokémon Origins-esque interpretation of Mewtwo, which is not quite as godly-OP as anime Mewtwo. But still! This is no doubt going to be difficult for her to work though, and I'm interested to see where you take it.

~Chibi~;249;;448;

 

[Mrs. Lovett]

Welcome to the forums, and welcome to the fic section! This is definitely an interesting idea; I'll admit that I've always loved the idea of the in-game protag catching Mewtwo and showing it the power of the bond between trainer and pokemon. I also agree that an idea like this would work great as a chaptered story, so I'll definitely stick around for more.

I like the way the capture scene was structured. It had nice pacing and kept me on my toes the whole time. Partly, of course, because the Master Ball failed (honestly a worry I often had as a kid), which basically makes the entire outcome of the battle uncertain and forced the trainer to use her brains and think of another way. I found it humorous that the Great Ball ended up working, since I've always had the worst luck with Great Balls, haha. You were also able to make the trainer's bond with Charizard stand out really well, which I liked.

I do have one point of critique:

My last hope levitated midair, trapped in an invisible hold.

I like how you start right at the high-point of the action, but I found the first sentence a bit vague and I had to reread the paragraph before I could reconcile it with the image of a pokeball hovering in midair. I think it would be better to expand the sentence just a little bit to make it clearer what's going on. Maybe say something like: "My last hope flew through the air and stopped before reaching its target, the ball simply hovering as if held by some invisible force." That makes it immediately obvious that you're writing about a capture. Next, you could go on to reveal that the ball that failed was the Master Ball, then mention Mewtwo, and so on.

I'd also like to know more about your protagonist. The first chapter doesn't need a whole lot of information, but for maybe include some hints at how her adventure had been going up until now, and perhaps more importantly, the events that led up to her meeting Mewtwo. You do a little bit of this in this paragraph here:

Charizard soared over Kanto as I finished up writing. I wrote every time I did something noteworth, so I treasured this diary greatly. It was a spectacular record filled with my adventures. I flipped back through the pages, reliving my journey as I went. Picking my starter, my first gym battle, the first time I defeated Team Rocket grunts, getting the final badge, facing off with the Elite Four, and capturing the legendary birds were some of the biggest highlights in the book. It filled me with joy to see how far I had come. And now, I had the unbelievable opportunity to write about capturing Mewtwo.

I think that was a good place for the trainer to reflect on her adventures, but the one thing I'd suggest is writing it less like a list of accomplished tasks and more like a brief emotional/visual excursion she takes in her mind. It could be as simple as a sentence or two, explaining what all of these things meant to her, or even a visual, like 'I could still remember Giovanni's expression in defeat... etc. etc'. As it is now, though, it almost seems like she sees the things she did as check marks on a to-do list, which feels all right in-game, but doesn't work that well in a story (unless she does see things this way for whatever reason, in which case you'd have to develop this). Maybe when she returns to the memory of her accomplishments, she's filled with pride or relief, or something else that you can briefly mention, without relaying an entire memory scene. Why did she go after Team Rocket and what was it like to finally defeat them? Did the fact that she captured all the legendary birds alter the region in any way? Did those birds have a specific role in their environment or in Kanto legends, and is there any significance or ramifications of a kid capturing them? These are all just questions to keep in mind; you don't have to explicitly answer them in the text (much less in the first chapter), but just remember that these things will probably still be significant for her and might have influenced/changed her in some ways. The past will be especially important to her, since you're writing about a point in time where the typical zero-to-hero arc is already completed.

Another thing that got me thinking is the PokeDex. Assuming Professor Oak programmed it, how does he know there are exactly 150 pokemon? And who wrote the entry for Mewtwo? If Oak did it, then that would mean he technically already knows as much about Mewtwo as he needs to... which would put into question why he'd want a trainer to complete a PokeDex he had already technically pre-completed himself. In my fic, the trainers write the PokeDex entries themselves, but it's also plausible to me that a professor can simply pre-program the slots, knowing there are X amount of pokemon in the region, and leave it to the trainers to fill them with entries. I think that if your protag wrote the entry herself, this could even hint at some of her backstory with Team Rocket and the scientists, since she put the pieces of the Mewtwo story together while on her journey. Of course, you might have this figured out in a different way already, but I do hope you elaborate a bit more about your version of the PokeDex mechanics, since the PokeDex is important to your protagonist.

All of these are really tiny details, but if you take time to flesh them out, they'll make your story shine.

Overall, though, this was a good read and has a lot of potential. I'm interested to see where you take this and I hope you continue it!

 

[Ambyssin]

Oh, darn, looks like I've been beaten to the punch here. Hopefully I don't repeat too many things. Seriously though, what's a WattPad? Sounds like some sort of Amazon Kindle knockoff...

Well, kudos for starting at the end of the Kanto games. That's usually not the popular choice among writers. And adding that extra layer of challenge in "Yeah, Pokémon can just deflect/destroy the ball" is both feasible and a cool little (unintentional, maybe?) shoutout to the really early days of Pokémon where, yeah, you could toss a ball and just have it miss completely. As was noted before, though, your opening sentence is a bit off. Personally, I thinking it's because you're missing an "in" between "levitated" and "midair." And it's never good to have a grammatical error in your opening sentence. Another oddity for me is that your description of Mewtwo using a "charge attack" is a bit too vague. Exactly what attack am I supposed to be visualizing here? Psychic? Hyper Beam? Something else? You're leaving it up to the reader's interpretation, and while that can be good in some instances, I don't think it works here. Likewise, this is a personal thing, but describing Mewtwo as having taken "turns," while certainly accurate to the mainline games, feels very off in a fic. Like, you're not using a turn-based mechanic for this chapter, from what it looks like. So, "turn" is not the word I'd use in this case. Something like "the past few minutes," might work better as a marker of time.

I do really like the capture scene though. Both the daring escapade of leaping off Charizard and those tense moments waiting to see what the Great Ball does. You really captured that feeling of trying to catch something you desperately want, after having spent such a long time failing. It's very well done. The other bits in the cave add some background for the story: our (unnamed) protagonist has a full Kanto dex; Mewtwo is a Team Rocket creation; and, from the sound of it, the protag wants to befriend the murdercat. Bad idea, it never works.

I'm a bit iffy on the laundry list of the protag's accomplishments; I feel it's unnecessary. Yes, you could argue they serve to tell the reader that things have proceeded more or less according to game canon with no real deviations. But, still. This is a fanfic. I think it's safe to say those of us reading know the Kanto games, and know what happens in them. Having her(?) just thumb through the filled pages might've worked better to keep the pace of the chapter going.

It's a good start, though. I'm not sure just how long you've expanded this idea of yours to be. It sounds like you're setting up a Mewtwo redemption story, of sorts. But maybe that's not it. Maybe the protag's going to Johto or something? I'll be interested in seeing what happens.

 

[gofishyfish]

Hey everyone! Thanks for your comments and sorry about not getting back to them earlier. Threw me off that serebii doesn't have a notification system that lets you know when you have comments on your thread. Alrighty, let's get started.

I'm glad you liked the start Chibi, thanks for your kind comments! As an author, I've been trying to work on my explanations and details, so it's good to see that you thought I did well with the fight scene. I used to be awful at descriptions, and am still working on it. Which brings me to my next reviewer's comments...

Mrs. Lovett, I'll work on that opening sentence. I didn't realize how off it sounded until you (and Ambyssin) really dissected it. I'll also change my list of the main character's achievements. Not gonna expand it too much, however, since she is a very list oriented person (which becomes important later).

Another thing that got me thinking is the PokeDex.

And I hadn't really thought too much of how a PokeDex worked. My understanding is that it's based on legends that townspeople pass around (for legendaries) and scientific research (for everything else). I'll work on expanding those thoughts as we go in the story.

Finally, Ambyssin, I totally missed the whole bit about how the games are turned based and that isn't how a fic would necessarily work. I'll change my wording during the battle scene to reflect that. Also,

Seriously though, what's a WattPad? Sounds like some sort of Amazon Kindle knockoff...

It's a site like fanfic . net (still a new user and can't post links, opps!) and AO3, expect you can post more than just fanfics. People post stuff like fantasy, sci fi, young adult books, and many other things. Good place for a starting author in my opinion.

Again, thanks everyone for all of your feedback and praises. I hope you enjoy what I've got planned for next chapter and the rest of the story. It's a bit of a long one as this journey will take us through all of the currently existing regions. Yes, I said all, you read that right. It won't be huge and some regions will get less details than others, but you can expect to see everything from Johto to Alola in here. Next chapter will hopefully be posted tomorrow night since it's a shorter one.

 

[DreamSayer]

As soon as I read that last diary entry, I half expected the scene to cut with Oak saying, "Oh you're not done yet. There are 800 Pokémon now and you only caught 151. Good luck catching the remaining 649 of them, you'll need it"

Man, such a scene would've been golden! But u digress, this story was a decent read. Kind of strange we never got to know the name of the main character in this prologue but I'm sure your next chapter will fix that. I look forward to seeing more from you soon! b)^^)b

 

[gofishyfish]

As soon as I read that last diary entry, I half expected the scene to cut with Oak saying, "Oh you're not done yet. There are 800 Pokémon now and you only caught 151. Good luck catching the remaining 649 of them, you'll need it"

hahaha, next chapter (which I'm about to upload) gets to that. The MC is in for quite a shock.

 

[gofishyfish]

Chapter 2: Shadows in the Night

Dear Diary,

I arrived home less than a week ago, and I'm already becoming a local celebrity. It's a bit nerve wrecking, but I'm becoming more and more used to it. It still feels weird to have local kids run up to me and ask for my autograph though. I've known these kids my entire life, and they now think I'm some kind of Pokémon catching god. And it's not just to my hometown either, but the entire region too. Photographers and journalists catch me at every step outside of my house. I'll be shopping with my mom and then, all of a sudden, I'll hear a reporter start up their speech behind me, then go through their laundry list of questions that I have to refuse. It's weird to say the least, and I almost wish that the fame would stop sometimes."The Most Successful Teenager in the Region" was a popular headline to describe my achievements. It gives a certain pressure that I have to live up to now. Especially since the biggest news stations have scheduled an interview with me and Professor Oak. They're dying to hear something from the girl who captured every Pokémon in Kanto. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that yet, I've never been on live TV before, much less been the center of it!

Most importantly though, I showed Professor Oak the Dex. He was overjoyed when he heard I had completed it, and that I had managed to catch Mewtwo as well. He asked me to come into his lab the day after I had returned—he respected that I would want the day to rest. The next day, I pored over every detail of my adventures and every Pokémon species that I had seen as he furiously worked on my Pokédex. It was fun as I reminded myself of everything I had seen. It was an amazing journey that I wish I could live all over again. Before I left, the professor asked that I leave Mewtwo there so that he could hopefully find a way to make it less aggressive. He nicknamed his program "Pokémon Anger Management." I couldn't help but laugh at the idea, but he insisted it worked. He told me that all starter Pokémon go through it. Wild Pokémon can be dangerous, and they have to get used to people before being handed off to children. I agreed reluctantly, even after hearing that it wouldn't do anything bad to Mewtwo; the last thing that creature probably wanted to see was the inside of another lab. Oak told me not to worry and promised me I could take Mewtwo home after the interview next week. In the meantime, he let me keep my Pokédex after uploading its data to his computer. That way I still had my trophy, and he had all the information he could ever want about the first one hundred and fifty Pokémon . Life is great right now, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

-----

I awoke with a start to the beeping noise of my alarm clock. I closed my eyed for a moment, begging to no one in particular for only a few more moments of rest. But alas, the noise did not yield to my silent pleas. Groaning, I tossed my sheets off, shivering at the sudden rush of cold air that hit me. My pajamas did little to shield me from the sudden chill of the late autumn morning.

My fist came down on my alarm clock the same way it did every morning. I was bound to hit the off button with the amount of area my fist covered, and it helped get out my pent-up rage at the horrid device. It was a win-win scenario. Or, it usually was; this morning was not as lucky. The alarm now beeped with two different sounds that seemed to amplify each other. This was not a great start to my morning.

"Oh, come on! This isn't fair," I groaned as I turned my lamp on to deal with my faulty clock. I grabbed the device from my night stand and clicked the button on top. The noise ceased, but I couldn't help but notice something off about the display.

It currently read 2:41 AM. Odd, I thought. I checked what time the alarm was set for, so that I would wake up when I needed to in order to get ready for my interview. Sure enough, it wasn't supposed to go off until 6:30 AM. To make the situation even more odd, there was still an alarm going off somewhere in my room.

I searched the clock, flipping it multiple different ways to see where the noise was coming from. It wasn't coming from my clock at all, nor from my cellphone—I had already looked at that. There were no active alarms, and no one was trying to text or call me. The only notifications were from Tweetster, and those were muted due to the massive influx of new followers and messages. I looked around my room slowly searching for the continuing source of the noise.

The realization hit me suddenly when I noticed a light blinking on the other side of my room. The sound wasn't that of an alarm, it was the sound my Pokédex made whenever it sensed an unknown Pokémon. I looked to my dresser where I had set the machine, and sure enough, the registration light was blinking with a new notification.

"What the hell?" I said as I sprang up to my feet next to my bed. I strode over to where the was sitting and picked it up. I half expected the light to go off when I touched it, like it was a technical error or something due to Oak tampering with it recently. But no, the light continued to flash, urging me to check what it had just seen. Usually it only beeped and flashed twice when it detected a new Pokémon; the computer continued to make noise despite already having gone off for more than a few minutes now. Panic began to take hold in me as I started to wake up more and I became aware of what the situation meant.

Before I opened the face of the Pokédex, I tip toed over to my window to check if it was closed. The Pokédex only registered Pokémon that were within a certain radius, and that radius only extended for line of sight. Meaning that the Pokémon was in my room. The situation became more disturbing when I confirmed that the window was closed and locked with plenty of undisturbed dust sitting on its sill. I looked outside suspiciously from left to right, then did a double check in each direction again before closing my blinds. I whipped around to face my dresser and still beeping Pokédex.

As a precaution, I grabbed Charizard's ball from my desk. The fire type would barely fit in my room with his size, but something had to protect me from whatever was intruding if a fight arose. Plus, I felt safer while holding his ball, like nothing could hurt me. I continued to search every nook and cranny. The search through my closet, under my bed, and even tearing up all of my drawers brought me no results. My heart fluttered faster and faster with each empty result as I realized that this thing had the jump on me. Whatever was in my room had been there for hopefully only a moment, and it had come and gone undetected except by the Pokédex. This creature was unnatural to say the least.

Having turned up nothing, I set Charizard's ball next to me as I settled down on the foot of my bed with the Pokédex. I took a few deep breaths, trying to return my heart rate back to normal after such a strange occurrence. I flipped the lid open to see what creature it had just discovered. Thankfully, the beeping stopped when I turned the machine's screen on. That, however, did raise even more alarms in my head, and my only recently calmed heart fluttered rapidly again. Everything about what was happening now was wrong. A malfunction would have required me to do some technical work or, at the very least, turned the machine completely off and back on. More questions than answers came up once I looked at the screen.

A new shadow was on the display—an unregistered Pokémon like I had seen so many times before. "But I caught them all, how is there another one?" I wondered out loud. I closed the face, then opened it again, half expecting the new entry to go away. When I looked at the screen again, I was stunned to still see the Pokémon still there. The anonymous form reminded me of smaller, less violent looking Mewtwo.

My mind began to race with too many questions and not enough possible answers. How? Why? Where? were the words that summed up my plethora of thoughts perfectly. But, the most important question to me at the moment: what? What was this new creature, this new one hundred and fifty-first Pokémon?

It was a phantom that I believed only existed due to my sleep deprived state, like some kind of nightmare. Something deep down inside of me, however, knew that this new Pokémon was real. Everything that had just occurred was very much real despite what I wanted to believe. This wasn't a dream like I so desperately craved it to be. I hadn't actually caught them all, and now I had to go face the press later that morning and claim that I really had. As I settled back into bed, I knew one thing was for certain about this whole ordeal.

I was a fraud.

 

[Ambyssin]

I have to say that, right off the bat, the diary entry feels like a missed opportunity to me. I understand that it's basically just a transition scene that summarizes what's happened to the protag since she(?) got home. Which is fine. But, like, you're really going to tell me that she had no desire to write anything about how this stuff made her feel? At all? I noticed that "life was good" line, but that's not the strongest example. Surely all this media attention makes her feel something, right? In the little amount of journaling I did, I wouldn't just list off events. I don't know, maybe I'm missing something here. I just think that it would've made the ending line of the chapter hit a little bit harder if she'd been coming off this massive high with her diary entry.

The rest of the chapter is fine. I thought it was an okay way to introduce the concept of Mew. Maybe Mew's teasing the protagonist? It would certainly explain why they just kind of popped up. Tying it into the protag being half-asleep was also a nice little touch. Like, yeah, if I had just had a rude awakening I might not believe my Pokédex told me I'd missed something either. ^^;

 

[Cutlerine]

Welcome to the forums! Always nice to see a new face. And it's an intriguing fic you've started with here – it's cool that you've begun right at what we might ordinarily think of as the end! Where does someone's career go, once they've achieved their ultimate goal? It kind of depends on the person, I guess, and on why they do what they do, whether it's a passion or an obsession.

It's interesting what we learn about our protagonist versus what we don't. No name, no identity to speak of, but there's this huge cloud of celebrity gathering around them (her? I'll stick with they, they is safe) and they're surprisingly naïve for someone who's gone as far as they have and done as much as they can; I'm not sure I'd have left Mewtwo with Oak if he explicitly said he was going to run tests on it and find a way to make it less aggressive. Or possibly you didn't mean that to sound as creepy as it does? I think the idea of making something less aggressive is what makes it uncomfortable for me; after what it's been through, Mewtwo probably needs therapy more than it needs to be prodded and possibly modified in a lab.

I think I'd agree with Ambyssin that the diary segment at the beginning of chapter two is a bit bland – it's more of a summary of events rather than a diary entry. But that ground has already been covered, so I'm not going to rehash it here. I'd also say that in the first chapter, while the attacks in the battle feel very viscerally present – the future sight whooshing past the protagonist's face, making their ears ring – they're kind of difficult to actually visualise. It would be nice to have a few more visual cues, is all; like, I don't know what future sight is meant to look like at all, and that's the kind of thing that would be really helpful in just giving the last few details to bring the scene to life.

I think also that while the anonymity of the protagonist kind of works in chapter one, where you're sort of hyper-focused on this one intense moment, chapter two is probably as late as you can leave further explanations – like who this person is, what their name is, maybe a detail or two about what their background is and how they came to be here at this point in their life. As a general rule of thumb, even if you have a weird or super in media res kind of opening chapter, I'd say the second chapter is where you should start to let your reader get the measure of things, even if you don't plan on revealing everything at once.

It'll be interesting to see what you plan to do with the fraud thing. I think it seems kind of understandable that the protagonist would have missed a pokémon that they – and apparently nobody else – seemed to know existed, and I wonder whether the driving force here will be personal guilt at having not managed to find every pokémon after all (what about non-Kanto mons? is this something we're ignoring for the sake of the story, or does this story exist in like the time frame of Gen I, when the rest of the pokémon world barely even canonically existed?) or some sort of public backlash. I guess we'll find out whether or not the rest of the world see the protagonist as a fraud in later chapters!

My Pokemon cried as he felt my weight leave him

Unless the charizard is actually physically weeping, which seems odd, I think you might mean he 'cried out'.

I wrote every time I did something noteworth

You're missing a Y on the end of 'noteworthy' there.

The next day, I poured over every detail of my adventures

That should be 'pored' rather than 'poured' – the former is for pondering, the latter is for tipping liquids.

But yeah! Cool start, and I'm really interested to see how you plan to develop this from here – there's really a lot still up in the air, from the fate of Mewtwo to the stance the public will take on the protagonist's actions. I'll have to check in with this later to see what you do with it!

 

[Negrek]

A belated welcome to the forums! I can see why that reviewer said that this felt cramped as a one-shot; there's definitely a lot of story here, more than it would be easy to fit in a few thousand words. As other people have said, this is a pretty interesting concept, starting things out from a point that most trainerfics never even reach. And I definitely look forward to seeing how the main character handles a pokémon as powerful and angry as Mewtwo. As Cutlerine pointed out, Professor Oak taking him and poking at him sounds like a worrying development, but we haven't even gotten to see the main character interact properly with Mewtwo yet--that's what I'm looking forward to seeing, and how that goes is what's going to determine the course of the story.

One thing I would have liked to see a little more of is emotion on the part of the narrator. In the first chapter she's facing down this horrifyingly strong pokémon that literally explodes her master ball while screaming, but doesn't seem bothered by it. She's messing with her ponytail and telling herself to focus, rather than showing any signs of unease or even excitement. I think what you're going for here is a very oblivious protagonist, somebody who finds training easy and fun and who doesn't tend to lose, so she doesn't take the idea of losing (or failing) very seriously; someone who behaves the way we do when playing the games, more or less. So in that sense, she might find Mewtwo scary because she just assumes she'll catch it no problem, or if she doesn't catch it it's not a big deal and she can try again lately. But if she's really that fearless, isn't she still feeling some excitement? This is the last pokémon she needs for the pokédex, and it's a powerful one! Even if she isn't worried about failing the capture, surely she's feeling a good adrenaline buzz just for how intense and significant this battle is? The way the story's written right now the character seems a little distant, making detached decisions about how she should handle the Mewtwo fight. Whatever her emotions are during that battle, I'd love to see a bit more of them.

On the other hand, I did think you did a good job of getting across the tension of that wait for the pokéball to click. That's something that all pokémon gamers can relate to, and I think you captured it perfectly. The pokéball being warm after Mewtwo's attempts to break out of it was a nice detail, too. The protagonist and Charizard would have waited with bated breath, not baited breath, though.

I loved the way you actually framed the battle, too, with the trainer being far more of an active participant than someone who hangs out on the sidelines who calls out orders. Putting the protagonist right up in the action gives you a lot of opportunities to make the action seem really intense and dangerous, and brings up the kinds of things that most fanfics don't bother with, like how you have to get up close enough to the pokémon to have a good shot when lobbing a pokéball. It's a very Pokémon Special way of handling battles, and one that makes for a lot of cool storytelling moments, I think.

There's a bit less to say about the second chapter; it's a lot more information-oriented than the first, with just the diary recap and the one scene with the trainer waking up. It does set up a really interesting situation, though. If Mew's visiting Pallet, with Mewtwo there... Definitely an opportunity for some crazy stuff to go down there! I thought this scene was put together well, with the rising tension from the protagonist hunting around for what's woken them, the way they grab Charizard's pokéball in case they need to defend themselves from something that somehow got into their room without opening the window wtf, and then the revelation that there really was a mystery pokémon (which we, the readers, know is Mew) and the pokédex isn't truly complete set up a nice arc, even with just the one sequence.

The fact that the protagonist is so stunned that there's another pokémon out there is made even more interesting by the fact that you say this story is going to go through all of the regions. So clearly the setting isn't one where there are only 150 of them, but in that case, how are you going to account for the fact that there are way, way more? Are people in Kanto somehow so isolated that they don't even realize the other regions exist? Even if Professor Oak was hella lying to the protagonist about everything pokémon-related, it seems like if nothing else she should have studied something in school about happenings in another region, which would probably mention unfamiliar pokémon. So it'll be interesting to see how you handle that, and how the protagonist handles their huge shock at not having made the accomplishment that they thought they did. That reaction actually being quite interesting in and ofitself; not just surprise and disbelief, not anger for the fact that someone may have tricked her somewhere, but actual guilt over not being everything people believe her to be. The protagonist is definitely an interesting character, seeming quite childish in some ways but having that game-protagonist preternatural training ability, and I'm definitely interested in seeing where you take them over the course of the story.

One last thing--you mentioned you were thrown off by the fact that Serebii doesn't have any way to notify you of replies to your thread. It actually does! It's called "subscribing" to a thread, and it's something you can use by clicking the "Thread Tools" link at the top-right of the first post in your thread. Then choose the "Subscribe to this Thread" option and choose how you want to receive notifications, and then you'll be able to get an e-mail whenever somebody posts in it.

Anyway, welcome once again! This looks like it's going to be a very interesting story to follow; it's definitely been really different from the norm so far. And I'm a sucker for anything Mewtwo, so of course I'm looking forward to how you portray him in this story and how the protagonist ends up handling him. Good luck with your writing!

 

[gofishyfish]

Hey everyone, I'm not dead, I swear. School is just really hitting me hard right now (screw exams!). I've read all of your critiques and updated a few things in my previous chapters. Ambysian and Cuterine, I've updated the diary entry, because you were both right in the fact that I could've expanded on more things. It's more personal now and reflects the protag's feelings. And fyi, it is a girl (you get her name next chapter). It just hasn't felt right to introduce her name yet, which is why I haven't. I also fixed the spelling and grammatical issues in the chapters, thanks for pointing those out!

Maybe Mew's teasing the protagonist?

Oh you have no idea yet! Just wait, this will be a huge plot point.

I'm not sure I'd have left Mewtwo with Oak if he explicitly said he was going to run tests on it and find a way to make it less aggressive.

I agree, it was a bit off sounding. Fixed it!

One thing I would have liked to see a little more of is emotion on the part of the narrator.

I'll work on that in the upcoming chapters, and I'll also go back and look to see if I can fit anything into what I already have.

It's a very Pokémon Special way of handling battles, and one that makes for a lot of cool storytelling moments

Pokemon Special is exactly what I'm trying to go for here! Glad you noticed that.

And we will get more details about how the other regions tie in here in the next chapter (which is already written, I'm just fixing it up now).

One last thing--you mentioned you were thrown off by the fact that Serebii doesn't have any way to notify you of replies to your thread. It actually does! It's called "subscribing" to a thread, and it's something you can use by clicking the "Thread Tools" link at the top-right of the first post in your thread. Then choose the "Subscribe to this Thread" option and choose how you want to receive notifications, and then you'll be able to get an e-mail whenever somebody posts in it.

Thank you soooooo much for telling me that. I appreciate it! It will make my life easier.

Alright, see you all hopefully soon with the newest chapter. Also, I feel bad about not reading other fics and commenting like you all do. I've been reading many on here, but they all have so many chapters, so it doesn't feel right to comment on them until I've caught up lol. But, I'm slowly making progress, and I will (hopefully) be more active now that my first round of exams are done.

 

[gofishyfish]

Chapter 3: 61.5% COMPLETE

My right leg bounced frantically as the cameras flashed around me. Technical crews were still setting up, so that meant testing the angles and the lighting. Occasionally they checked the flash to make sure we didn't look pale like ghosts. I felt something press down on my leg, and I whipped my eyes up from the floor to look at Professor Oak. His hand steadied my shaking and he said, "Relax. I know this is your first interview, Phoebe, but the key to performing well is to relax."

"But it's live, it's not a performance," I said.

"Every time that you appear on screen is a performance. You don't act like you, you act like what you want them to see." He pointed at the cameras as he spoke.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." My leg continued bouncing as I spoke. I smirked and said, "But that doesn't change the fact that I've had way too much coffee this morning."

Oak chuckled. "I assume that's why you're shaking so much then. Try decaf next time."

I smiled in return. His words made me feel slightly better, but it still didn't remove the pressure that the night before had placed on me. I flipped through the pages of my journal--which was sitting open in front of me--to the latest entry. The words were scrambled and messy, a side effect from me writing at 2:00 in the morning mixed with the frantic feeling the situation had placed on me. I felt the calm that Professor Oak had just given me wash away as I tried to make out my chicken scratch words. The final sentence of my entry made me shiver as I read it. "I am a fraud," it said.

"You recorded everything in that book, right? That means that everything you need to say is in there. If you feel at a loss for words when they start bombarding you with questions, just take a peek at what you wrote. I'm sure you'll be able to recall something. Or, just check your Pokedex." He raised an eyebrow, "You brought that, right?"

"Yeah," my words came out softly, almost under my breath. I took a long pause, trying to figure out if I wanted to tell him or not. I decided that it was weighing me down too much already and that he needed to know. "But, I have something to tell you about the Dex, Professor." I fished the device out of my bag as I spoke, "There's a problem. Just...look."

Professor Oak grabbed the Pokedex from my hand and flipped it open. The screen flashed to life and displayed a percentage at the top. "99% COMPLETE." To my surprise, however, Oak smiled and chuckled a little bit. He turned to look at me with a big grin on his face. "My dear, you've beaten me to the punch it seems. I was planning to bring this up during the interview.

"But I suppose I should ask you now before the pressure is on. How would you feel about traveling to another region to capture more Pokémon? Completely new species to us that we have never seen here in Kanto. I'm sure you've heard that Johto has more species, right?"

I felt the weight from the night before release with the professor's words. Every ounce of me was filled with relief. "There are more than one-hundred and fifty Pokémon?" I played dumb, prompting Oak to explain further. Obviously there were more, I had already encountered an extra one that wasn't supposed to exist according to the Pokédex. Plus, there had to be more to populate the world outside of Kanto.

"It wouldn't be too far from home. Our next door neighbors in the Johto region asked me if I wanted to a sort of 'foreign exchange' study. You would go there, and one of their trusted assistants would come here. I've already exchanged data concerning our respective Pokedexes with Professor Elm, but he and I would rather have our best assistants travel the other's region. Considering the fact that you are the first to capture all the Pokémon in Kanto, I figured that you would be the best candidate. So, Phoebe, are you interested?"

"Yes," my mouth automatically responded, my brain lagging seconds behind. I felt filled with hope and a renewed wanderlust. I knew it was insane; travel another region so quickly without even taking time to unwind from my last journey? Any normal kid would have refused Oak's offer, or at least given it a second thought. I hadn't planned to leave home again for a long time. But something in my mind spurred me onward, and I knew this was what I had to do to find 151--that was the nickname I had given the mysterious new Pokémon. It had to be in Johto, and I had to be the first one to find it.

Oak nodded at my response as he plugged a USB into the side of my Pokedex. The screen flashed on, off, then on again as it downloaded new data. The machine made its typically rebooting noise. "I knew you would want to. We can talk about the details after this press conference. Come by my lab immediately after this so that we can get you set up with Elm's system. I also have an update on Mewtwo."

He handed the Pokedex back to me with its screen on. The display's percentage now said "61.5% COMPLETE," since it now accounted for all of the Pokémon in Johto and Kanto. I scrolled down the list until I reached where the completed entries of Pokémon ended. Beyond Kanto's creatures were slightly grayed out images of Johto's wildlife. Their colors would remain muted, I assumed, until I captured them. I stopped and scrolled back to 151's spot. It wasn't even grayed out, it was just a shadow. An unknown. A legend. Before it, colorful images with memories to recall; after it, grayed out adventures waiting to be had. In its spot, a mystery to be solved.

"Thanks, Professor," I said.

"Of course."

At that moment, we heard the door open, allowing for the noise of the crowd outside to pour in. The security guard peered in at us, the lighting crew, and cameramen. "Ready?" he asked.

I gulped, nodding as everyone else verbally affirmed that they were good to go. In response, the guard at the main door nodded and let the flood of people in. They clawed and climbed over each other, hunting for a good seat. The front-most rows filled quickly, like a flood of water overcoming a ditch on the side of the road. The rows after it filled just as quickly, as each seat was taken over by reporters from every news station imaginable.

They talked anxiously as the technical crews did one final check with our mics. They tugged at the wires attached to the microphone sitting in front of me. Once assuring it was the way they wanted it to be, they tapped lightly on the foam. Sure enough, the equipment captured the sound and sent it through the room. At this, the reporters grew quiet, anxious for what came next.

The crew cleared away, and the cameraman began a countdown with his fingers: [iFive. Four. Three. Two. One,[/i] I counted along in my head. He gave a thumbs up, and the light atop the camera turned green. Some people said some formalities, reminding me and Professor Oak that we could refuse any question at any time. I ignored most of what was said in exchange for staring into the camera. I was a Pokémon in the headlights of a car, knowing that I needed to move but also too scared to do it.

"Phoebe, are you ready?" Oak's voice snapped me out of my daze. I looked at him, his brownish gray eyes compelled me back to the present. I looked out onto the crowd again, feeling sick to my stomach as they waited for my response on baited breath.

"Yeah, I am," I responded. I pushed my fear down inside of me. The panic was overwhelming, but I knew that I had to manage it.

Given my okay, the prompter chose the first question. The reported stood to her feet, brushed the wrinkles out of her scarlet skirt, and began. "Phoebe Kennett," she said.

I waited a moment, expecting her to go on. She didn't, so I leaned into the mic to respond. "Yeah," I stuttered. "That's my name." My words stuck in my throat and it felt like a lump the size of a Poké Ball was keeping them from escaping.

A chuckle moved through the audience. The reporter flashed a white smile at me. "You seemed nervous, and I thought that might help snap you back to the here and now." She was right, it had made me laugh a bit with the audience which calmed my nerves, albeit only by a small amount. She continued. "My question is: how long were you away from home for Professor Oak? Was it ever hard being on your own as a sixteen-year-old without parental guidance?"

"About a year," I responded. "Wait, maybe more like eleven months. I'm not really sure." I shrunk into my chair after realizing how much I had butchered my answer. "And I wasn't really alone ever, I had Charizard and an amazing team of Pokémon to keep me company. Plus, I checked in with Oak and mom once a week; more than once if I had something exciting to report."

The reporter said her thanks and took her seat again. Hands shot up again, and the next on--a bald man--stood to ask "What Pokémon did you have on your team besides Charizard?"

"It's changed a lot since the start. I didn't really understand type matchups for a while, so I got my butt handed to me by trainers until I built a better team. However, Charizard has stayed by my side this whole time. I refused to ever put him in a PC. For the battle with the Elite 4 and with Mewtwo last week I used Charizard, Pidgeot, Raichu, Beedrill, Alakazam, and Gengar."

The questions continued on for a while like that. Reports asked a wide variety of questions ranging from what my favorite Pokémon species is--Charizard of course!--to what my battle style was like, how I had learned to take such detailed notes, questions about Mewtwo--which was a fun moment to recall--and even about my "beauty tips to staying fresh on the road." I had to refuse the makeup question since I didn't wear any; the sweat just made it feel like plaster on my face.

By the end of the interview, Oak and I were have a great time answering questions. The reporters were enjoying themselves too. I answered more freely by the end, almost all of my nerves had vanished once I realized how fun it was to tell my story. My responses felt more natural and forthcoming after having been at it for almost an hour. Then, the bombshell question dropped when the same dark-skinned woman in the red skirt and blazer from the first question stood up.

"I neglected to mention who I was when I asked you my first few questions. My name is Paloma Hamilton from Johto Times-News. It has come to our understanding at my station that Kanto and Johto are two very different regions with very different species Pokémon. So tell me, Phoebe, do you really believe that you've caught them all? Are you going to ignore the extra ninety-four Pokémon in Johto that you haven't caught and written about? Don't they deserve to be studied in such detail that you did for Kanto's species?"

As I collected my thoughts to answer, Oak cut me off with his hand. "Actually, minutes before this interview took place, I asked Phoebe here if she wanted to help with another special project." Any reporters that had zoned out by now sat up straight in their seats. Notebooks ruffled to fresh pages and pens scribbled down Oak's every word from that point on. "Professor Elm of the Johto region and I have made a program that we're calling REP--the 'Regional Exchange Program.' Our plan is to send our best students to the other's region so that we can expand on what knowledge we already have.

"Surely, a girl like Phoebe who has lived in Kanto her entire has missed details regarding Pokémon that she can find in her backyard. It might take a fresh set of eyes to catch little habits about wild Pokémon that could unlock knowledge about the different species. That is why I will be sending Phoebe to Johto to work with Professor Elm, and I will be receiving a student here to work with me. Elm has yet to choose his protege, but the name will be released by him once he finds the person bests suited for the job. More information will be coming about this whole process in the coming weeks, but for now, that is all the time we have. I want to thank you all for coming out today."

With that being said, Professor Oak stood up and walked out of the room to the backstage area. I quickly followed suit as reporters raised their hands. Realizing they weren't getting any answers and that I was still retreating, they began to shout over one another, hoping for just one more answer to their new questions about the program. I smiled and waved goodbye to them all before letting the security guard close the doors behind me. After all, I now had questions of my own about this new project the professor had for me.

 

[Cutlerine]

I really like the relationship that's emerging between Phoebe and Oak; Oak's character in-game is paper-thin and so how you characterise him, other than happy about his mentees' success, is up to you. In this case, it seems, he's a pretty cool, supportive presence, which I feel like Phoebe needs at this point, with all her mingled anxieties.

I like the cultural and social interchange between Johto and Kanto here, with the exchange programme and Paloma's evident knowledge of Johtonian pokémon. But this does make me wonder again how Phoebe didn't at first know that she hadn't caught all the pokémon there were. Like, she's sixteen; I definitely knew by sixteen that there were animals in the world other than the ones I'd seen with my own eyes, and I suspect most people could say the same. The fact that Phoebe can't strikes me as kind of odd. Unless what was supposed to happen was that she'd thought she'd completed just the Kanto dex? Given some lines in this chapter, I don't think that's what you were going for, but I could be wrong. I guess I'm just looking for a little more clarity there – I feel like it almost makes sense to me, but not quite yet!

Still, returning my attention to where we're going rather than where we came from, things are definitely looking interesting here. An update on Mewtwo is definitely intriguing – I was hoping you were going to follow up on that, and it looks like my hopes are going to be fulfilled – and I'll be interested to see exactly what Phoebe's plan is, regarding tracking down a mew. Their whole thing is being rare and hard to find, so it seems like a pretty tall order, especially if you're going through a country you're not familiar with.

Every time that you appear on screen is a performance. You don't act like you, you act like what you want them to see," he pointed at the cameras as he spoke.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," my leg continued bouncing as I spoke. I smirked and said, "But that doesn't change the fact that I've had way too much coffee this morning."

This is something you do relatively frequently – you run a line of dialogue into a line of narration as if it were a dialogue attribution, which is actually not grammatically correct. The only thing a line of dialogue can attach to the way you do here is “they said”, or some kind of equivalent. The correct way of punctuating these lines would be as follows:

Every time that you appear on screen is a performance. You don't act like you, you act like what you want them to see." He pointed at the cameras as he spoke.

"Yeah, I guess you're right.” My leg continued bouncing as I spoke. I smirked and said, "But that doesn't change the fact that I've had way too much coffee this morning."

The narration and dialogue are two separate sentences, and need to be treated as such.

 

[gofishyfish]

I'm trying to keep the interactions between the regions to a minimum. The idea here is that Phoebe (and everyone else for that matter), think that the Pokemon in their regions are all that exist. It will be explained later, but I'm starting to think that I need to add it in sooner since you and everyone else keeps asking about that. It's...complicated, and it was only going to be fully explained near the end. I don't want to spoil anything, but I'm thinking a rework of my plan is in order.

An update on Mewtwo is definitely intriguing – I was hoping you were going to follow up on that

Next chapter my friend

This is something you do relatively frequently – you run a line of dialogue into a line of narration as if it were a dialogue attribution, which is actually not grammatically correct. The only thing a line of dialogue can attach to the way you do here is “they said”, or some kind of equivalent. The correct way of punctuating these lines would be as follows:

I wasn't aware of this. I knew that you end it with "'Blah blah blah,' he said." But, in my opinion, "he said" is such a boring way to end anything, so I add actions to the end to make it flow better. Is there a correct way to do this? Or just cut it up into separate sentences like you have?

 

[Ambyssin]

Alright, see you all hopefully soon with the newest chapter. Also, I feel bad about not reading other fics and commenting like you all do. I've been reading many on here, but they all have so many chapters, so it doesn't feel right to comment on them until I've caught up lol. But, I'm slowly making progress, and I will (hopefully) be more active now that my first round of exams are done.

Trust me as someone who was exactly where you are back in, well, July/August, it's quite alright. Don't feel pressured to rush or complete something super quickly. The site (and the stories) shouldn't be going anywhere. Plenty of stories update slower, anyway, so you can take your time with them. ^^

At last we have a name! And it's... the same as a Hoenn Elite Four member. I'm, uh, going to assume that's just a coincidence, aha ha. Anyway, it's nice to see Phoebe rather nervous in the opening, here. Though, there were a couple of things that you sort of stumbled out of the gate on, so to speak. For starters, just as far as creating a good mental image, I'd suggest that rather than having Phoebe say "I felt a slight pressure on my leg," which is rather vague and a bit hard to get an image of you, you go for something more direct. Like, "Something grabbed my leg," or "Something pressed down on my leg." Then it makes it a lot more clear.

Another thing is that I noticed there were some instances where it looks like you spliced separate sentences together with commas:

But it's live, it's not a performance

You don't act like you, you act like what you want them to see

I answered more freely by the end, almost all of my nerves had vanished once I realized how fun it was to tell my story

It feels like there should be periods where these commas are. At least, that's how I read it, so this made me pause for a moment.

Based on Oak's exchange with Phoebe here, I'm going to assume that the regions have limited communication with one another and don't really share their research data. Maybe we're not in the era of the internet being such a mainstay (though the USB drive kind of makes that hard to believe). Alternatively, they don't care much about the Pokémon not native to them. Either way, it seems like Phoebe is more interested in Mew than in the Johto 'mons at this point. I don't know if these two subjects will get woven together of if she's going to get tunnel vision and start forgetting about 152 and onward. The actual interview goes by all right, and this firmly establishes Oak is a very trusting mentor who wants the best for Phoebe. Always nice to see. I'm curious as to how much Mewtwo will actually factor into the plot going forward. I can't tell if they're staying at Oak's or eventually joining up with Phoebe.

I wasn't aware of this. I knew that you end it with "'Blah blah blah,' he said." But, in my opinion, "he said" is such a boring way to end anything, so I add actions to the end to make it flow better. Is there a correct way to do this? Or just cut it up into separate sentences like you have?

I know it sounds boring, but in this case it's practical and it's better to have "he said," then try to shoehorn something else in. In this case, Cutlerine is right. If you're not following the dialogue with an attribution ("they said"), then it ends with a period and the next line starts capitalized. You could, of course, opt to combine the two. As in, use an attribution and then follow it with an action of some sort.

For example:

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I said, continuing to bounce my leg.

But, ultimately, that's up to you. Rest assured, you shouldn't get boethered for using "they said," too much. That's one of those times where it's okay to be repetitive.

 

[gofishyfish]

And it's... the same as a Hoenn Elite Four member. I'm, uh, going to assume that's just a coincidence, aha ha.

Dang it! I was worried someone would catch this. They are not the same person, they just share a name. I used the name because of what it means, but was still a bit hesitant to do so since it is a name already in the universe.

Based on Oak's exchange with Phoebe here, I'm going to assume that the regions have limited communication with one another and don't really share their research data. Maybe we're not in the era of the internet being such a mainstay (though the USB drive kind of makes that hard to believe). Alternatively, they don't care much about the Pokémon not native to them.

It'll be explained soon why they have limited communication. Not next chapter soon, but probably while we're in Johto soon.

I know it sounds boring, but in this case it's practical and it's better to have "he said," then try to shoehorn something else in. In this case, Cutlerine is right. If you're not following the dialogue with an attribution ("they said"), then it ends with a period and the next line starts capitalized.

Alright, if that's the case, then I will get to fixing that asap. Thanks for your help Ambyssin and Cutlerine!

 

[gofishyfish]

AN: Really quick before we begin the next chapter, a special note needs to be made to correct some plot points. In the original one shot, I had originally planned for the characters at this point in the story to acknowledge that other species exist in other regions. It was how the original was written, and it's how this version of the story will be written too. It will make everything more clear in the long run as opposed to the drastic change I was originally going to implement. The previous chapters have already been corrected, and I wanted returning readers to not be confused when they started reading these upcoming chapters.

Thanks! The next chapter in ~5 minutes. Hope you all are liking what I'm writing so far. I'm loving many of the fics on here too, and I am catching up on them so that I can start being an active reader. I am, unfortunately, moving at a snails pace lol. I'll get there eventually.

 

[gofishyfish]

Chapter 4: The Lab

The smell of Oak's lab was a strange mixture of sweat, coffee, Pokémon, and an assortment of chemicals. The odor mixed together with the hot air blowing out of the constantly running computers that sat at the researcher's desks. It was a welcoming, albeit strong, smell. Despite the fact that Oak's work is extremely well known and grand compared to some other professors, he had a small set up. The lab sat on property near the edge of town. The building was not much bigger than the typical house. Meaning, the smell had already flooded the house even though the workday had begun only an hour ago.


Every single room had been converted into lab stations for the few researchers that Professor Oak had hired. Their desks were messy, and papers were haphazardly stacked high on their corners next to beakers filled with liquids of a variety of colors. It was a mess, to say the least. Yet, for some reason, I loved it here. It felt like a home away from home. My favorite after-school activity when I was younger was to run down the road from school and around the corner on 11th Street to Oak's lab. I camped here, watching the assortment of Pokémon that paraded through here while doing my homework.


The assistants were tentative to let me stay in such a dangerous environment, but Professor Oak claimed that he saw potential in me. I was a bright student, but I struggled in the classroom environment. Only the Professor saw my potential whenever he would help me with my homework. I passed every subject at or slightly above the average, but science was where I flourished. I was driven to do experiments and figure out why things worked. Noticing this need for information, Professor Oak kept me around as a lab hand, helping out wherever I could. That was my life until a little over a year ago when Oak gave me the assignment that changed my life. Now, I got to do it all over again.


"Mewtwo is in my office out back, let's head out there to discuss," Professor Oak said.


We walked down the short hallway to the backyard. The lab sat on property on the edge of town, meaning it had the largest backyard in Pallet Town. The enormous yard opened up onto the small forest beyond town. It was nothing compared to Viridian Forest, but it was sizable enough to accommodate the Pokémon that Oak was studying at any given moment. Before the field, a free-standing building was just outside the back door. We walked over to the shed, and the Professor unlocked the door.


Inside, the single room felt cozy. Books lined the shelves to my right, and on the other side sat tables with papers, beakers, Poké Balls, and other various contraptions. One thing that caught my eye, in particular, was the Great Ball that sat isolated from the rest of the mess. Mewtwo.


I pointed at the ball. "May I?" I asked.


"Not yet, I have a few things to explain about him first," Oak replied. He waved at the seat opposite to his. I sat down, and he walked over to grab Mewtwo's ball.


"Team Rocket's files said the Mewtwo is genderless. Why did you just refer to it as a 'him?'" I asked. I spun the chair to face Oak as I talked.


"That is correct; Mewtwo does not have a biological gender. However, he has informed me that he would like to use male pronouns. Something about 'Male Pokémon are stronger, and I have to be the strongest.'"


I raised my eyebrow at the Professor, to which he raised his hands. "Those are not my words, they are his."


"I know, but I'm just wondering where it--I mean he--got such an idea." It was odd, a sexist Pokémon? I had never heard of or seen such a thing. I had researched many species, but yet none of them had shown a gender dominance. Even Nidoran, with their different appearances, were nearly equal in strength throughout their evolutions.


"Also, you were able to get him to talk? Not even Team Rocket and their horrible experiments were able to do that. They had deemed Mewtwo a success minus his inability to speak." I said as I recalled the information from the Rocket's base.


"Team Rocket was a gang comprised of fools. They believed that Mewtwo should have possessed the ability to speak verbally. They never tried to have him communicate with telepathy." Professor Oak said.


He set the Great Ball on the desk in front of me, then walked around to take a seat in his chair. "Alakazam, another psychic species, has this ability too. However, it is extremely rare and is only seen among the most intelligent of their kind. Mewtwo, with his overwhelming amount of psychic energy, was able to communicate easily with a bit of coaxing.


"Phoebe, how about you talk to him yourself. Go ahead and let him out," Oak ordered.


Hesitantly, I grabbed the ball from the desk and tossed it towards the ground. The ball erupted into a display of light from which Mewtwo's form took shape. The creature, standing maybe half a foot above my height, looked down at me with his cold, dark eyes. It was terrifying, to say the least. His raw power thundered from his presence as he examined me.


"You," he said.


"Me?" I sheepishly asked.


"You are..." he paused for a while before continuing. "You are powerful and worthy to control me."


I wasn't aware that I was holding my breath until that second. I exhaled with a laugh. "Good to know that you approve," I responded.


"There are a few conditions to taking Mewtwo with you that I need to go over," Oak interjected. Mewtwo and I both looked at him now. "First, Mewtwo needs--"


Mewtwo took over for the Professor. "I need to be able to experience the world for myself. Your friend here--Professor Oak, he calls himself--tried to convince me that the world isn't evil. I have yet to see this purity that he claims exists with my own eyes. Take me with you, show me what your professor claims is true. If I am not pleased with what I see, then I will do what I must to cleanse this world from evil like you have cleansed it of the Rockets."


I gulped down my fear before responding. "Okay, I will take you with me wherever I go. How does that sound?"


In response, Mewtwo simply nodded. Then, he continued. "I do not have to be out of the Great Ball at all times, but I do have to be kept in a visible spot. Simply attach my prison to your backpack so that I can observe the world around us from its interior."


"In towns, I'll keep you in the ball. But if we're ever out on the road or in a forest, I'll let you out so that you can explore. Your Poké Ball doesn't have to be a 'prison.' You are free to explore the world with me," I assured him.


"Thank you, Phoebe. You are as kind as you are powerful," Mewtwo said. "Second, and finally, I wish to be able to express my power. Find me a worthy challenge while we are adventuring together. Lest I get bored," he said. "You don't want that, do you?" he challenged.


"No," I said. I shook my head vigorously to emphasize my point. The last thing I wanted was Mewtwo to get bored and head off on a rampage.


"Very well," he concluded. Suddenly, without my control, the Great Ball's lid popped open, and Mewtwo's body converted into energy. This energy swirled around in midair before resting in a perfect sphere inside of the Great Ball. Then, the ball's lid snapped shut as quickly as it had opened.


"Did he just put himself back in the ball?" I asked over my shoulder to Professor Oak. I had never heard of a Pokémon being able to recall themselves.


"He'll do that to you," Oak said. There was a hint of caution in his voice. "He will do the opposite too. You'll be sitting there one day, looking over data from a test, when suddenly, poof!" He waved his hands and jumped in his seat slightly. "Mewtwo will be towering over you, asking you a million questions about the world, where he came from, who was that girl that captured him, et cetera. It's a terrifying experience."


I laughed at Professor Oak's explanation. "This is going to be a fun adventure."


"Yes, it will be. Before we go over the details of Johto, however, we need to discuss Mewtwo in further detail. The program I put him through, and how you need to follow up," Oak began.


"Yeah, what do I need to do?"


"So, the program works as an 'anger management' therapy to Pokémon. I put all of the starters that I give to children through it as well, including your Charizard. Wild Pokémon are dangerous, so it's ill-advised by many professionals to give them away to kids. However, if you train the Pokémon to become used to humans, they become less angry and distressed. These creatures are not inherently dangerous, but they can be if they are startled. And my goodness, are Pokémon easily startled. Therefore, in an attempt to let them get used to humans, effectively making them less dangerous, I put the Pokémon in an environment surrounded by people.


"It starts in the lab building over there." Oak pointed back toward the building we had walked through in order to get to his office. "I set the Poké Ball on the counter where there's a lot of foot traffic and wait. You are aware that Pokémon can see outside of their Poké Balls, correct?" I nodded, and so Oak continued. "After a few hours, the Pokémon inside of the ball realizes that these humans mean it no harm. Then, I let it out in the lab to explore at its leisure. Usually, the Pokémon start huddled up in a corner of the room, skittish to anyone and anything. After a few hours or even a day--it varies from creature to creature--they will actively walk up to the researchers. After that point, they realize that they're safe and start interacting more and more with the humans. This process takes about a week of the Pokémon cautiously exploring the environment. Also, food is placed close to desks where humans sit in order to encourage the Pokémon to go near researchers. It speeds it up slightly. I used to give the Pokémon a month, but that extensive of a time frame is not necessary anymore."


I took a few moments to soak up all of that information. "What does this mean for me? Like, what do I have to do with Mewtwo?"


"Mewtwo, surprisingly, took minutes to exit the Great Ball when I started the program with him. He sure gave my researchers quite the shock when he burst from the ball." Oak chuckled slightly. "He insisted on letting him explore the world outside. I promised him that he would be able to in a week. I'm telling you what he already told you, that you need to let Mewtwo out of his ball whenever you can. He's extremely curious about everything. Please, satisfy this curiosity. He's also extremely concerned that there is nothing good left in this world, and he wants to destroy anything that he doesn't deem as good. Show him that there is good left, and that you just have to look for it."


"I will, Professor," I said. I picked up the Great Ball and clipped it onto my bag with a keychain. "Now, what can you tell me about my assignment Johto? I need to know what I'm doing before I get there."


"Ah, yes," Oak began. "You will be working with Professor Elm. The assignment is the exact same as the one I gave you here: catch every single Pokémon in the region. The plan is for you to leave in a month. It will be a bit of a boat ride from Vermillion City here in Kanto to Olivine City in Johto. Then, you will meet up with one of his assistants in the city. Elm is in a lab in New Bark Town, so it's a bit of a distance from Olivine. You can catch Pokémon along the way and meet up with him later."


Professor Oak slid a small electronic device across the table. It was pink and white. When I picked it up, I noticed that the lid flipped open. A small screen was situated in the device, like a smaller Pokédex.


"This is a Pokégear. I'm sure you've seen them around here in Kanto with some of the richer people. Elm insisted that you have one so that he could check in with you," Professor Oak explained. "He does his research a bit differently. He plans to pull data from your Dex directly instead of weekly check-ins like we used to do. He moves quickly, so he wants data quickly."


"Makes sense," I said. I fiddled with buttons on my new Pokégear, trying to find the on switch. Suddenly, a beeping noise emitted from the device and its screen lit up. The screen showed a few buttons, things like map and contacts. I jumped over to the maps screen to discover a terrain completely unfamiliar to me. "Is this Johto?"


"Yeah, that's what it looks like. You will be landing here," Professor Oak said. His pudgy finger covered up nearly the whole screen as he pointed to a town in the south-west portion of the map.


"Interesting," I mumbled back, trying to figure out more functions of the device. I only had two contacts at the moment: Professor Oak and Professor Elm. I figured that I would add more people soon enough. If only mom had one, maybe I would be able to talk to her more that way, I thought.


"Do you have any questions?" Oak asked. I shook my head in response. "Well, if you come up with anything, just ask me. Or," he paused briefly, holding up his Pokégear. "Just call. I'll try to remember to keep it on me at all times. We will talk again as your departure date draws closer. You'll need a few more details before you leave. Also, Phoebe, please don't feel obligated to go. I asked only because I trust you to do a good job, not because I'm trying to keep you away from your mother or anything. If you want to stay here, you are free to do so. I can always find another pers--"


"No, I have to be the one to go," I interrupted quickly. Oak raised an eyebrow at my outburst, and I realized that I had to explain myself. "There's something that you need to see, Professor."


With a weak grip, I handed over my Pokédex to the Professor. He accepted it, turning it on as he stood to face the windows behind him. He placed a pair of reading glasses on his nose before he began his examination. Outside, Pokémon pranced about in the spacious fields. I focused on their carefree movements as I sat trapped inside the familiar office that now felt like a jail cell. The room felt smaller as I watched Professor Oak scrutinize my Pokédex. He flipped it over and over, tapped some of the buttons, and even took off the back lid where the battery pack was. All the while, he paced the length of the window. He closed up the back panel before setting the Dex down on the desk behind him. He still faced the windows with his hands clasped behind his back.


"I'll be honest with you," he began, "I have no idea what Pokémon this could be." He turned to face me, "Unless you take folktales into consideration." He raised his eyebrows as if to ask my permission to continue.


I nodded, "I do, that's how I found out about Articuno, Zapdos, and Moltres."


He sat down gingerly while rubbing his forehead. "Tell me about the name 'Mewtwo.' Don't you find it odd that its name includes the number two, as if there could have been a first one?"


Leaning back in my chair, I considered this information. Two facts popped into my mind disproving this theory. "Except, the Pokédex said this mystery Pokémon was only about one foot tall. Mewtwo is a giant compared to that. Also, if that were true, wouldn't Mewtwo be listed as one hundred and fifty-one and not one hundred and fifty?"


Oak shrugged, "The Pokédex registers in the order that you--or others, now in the case of Johto--find Pokémon and their evolutionary trees. Its number doesn't matter. Also, it's only a possibility. Like I said: it's a folktale, they aren't entirely reliable. I heard this when I studied in the Southern Hemisphere, down in the Alola region, before the war broke out. It is highly unlikely this folk Pokémon would be found here, if anywhere at all anymore." He paused now, sighing deeply. "I want you to be serious here for a second, Phoebe." Oak leaned in close over his desk now. "Do you want to go to Johto for research purposes or for this mystery Pokémon? Don't let it cloud your judgment."


I stared down at my Pokédex. It was another enormous task, like the world was telling me "Congrats on doing the impossible, now do it again." Tentatively, I grabbed the device and pocketed it. "I'll go," I finally confirmed. I was set now on traveling for research -- it was fun, after all. However, something inside of me still burned with a desire to uncover the secrets of 151. Its blank picture called to me whenever I looked at it. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind, focusing on the task now at hand. "First, however, I want a month to rest and stay with my mom. She would probably be happy to have someone to share the house with."


Professor Oak smiled at me. "Good, I'm glad you want to do this. You have great potential to become a top tier researcher in this world. I hope you stick with this. Talk to me again about a week before you want to leave. Until then, I'll make the preparations."


I stood to leave, Dex in hand and a new fire in my heart. I was going to become the best Pokémon professor in the world, not because of how well my reports were written or how many Pokémon I examined, but because of what I found. I had a new mission, one that shrouded itself with foggy mystery: capture these folk Pokémon to prove to the world that they exist. I threw Oak's words of caution to the wind as I realized that this was what I wanted my true goal to be. Let the other species be damned, the legends deserved to be in the research spotlight for once. After all, legends were usually based in fact. Their time to shine was now, and I was going to make it happen, especially, for 151.

 

[Cutlerine]

Ah, we've picked up the Mewtwo thread again! This is an interesting way to do the thing where the protagonist captures a legendary in the first chapter, huh. Like, the point is not that Mewtwo is going to battle and stomp all over everything, but actually that under no circumstances can Phoebe ever let him start to battle. He's here to observe and to learn. Which is nice. Mewtwo's canonical origins are definitely the kind of thing that lands you with some trauma to deal with; I always like a fic where a chance at healing is offered to it. If anything, he might be a bit too happy to hang out in his ball and watch – like, he calls it a prison, but then he willingly returns to it and makes a point of saying “by the way, you don't even have to let me out much”, which is slightly odd.

The building was not much bigger than the typical house. Meaning, the smell had already flooded the house

That repetition of “house” is a little grating; maybe you could switch out the second one for “lab” or something.

The assistants were tentative to let me stay

“Tentative” generally goes with “about” rather than “to” – “tentative about letting me stay” would read more naturally. It is, however, a really appropriate word for using with scientists, considering that its original meaning has to do with experimentation. So that's cool.

Now, what can you tell me about my assignment Johto?

You're missing an “in” between “assignment” and “Johto” there.

Also, I think the general premise of the story makes more sense now after your edits: I definitely feel like I can now be sure that everyone knows there are more pokémon in the world than what you find in Kanto, and that therefore what's bothering Phoebe is that it's the Kanto dex that's suddenly registering as incomplete, even after she's been lauded as the first to finish it. That makes so much more sense to me, and you're definitely to be commended on how you've pulled it all together. Next up, we've presumably got the start of Phoebe's journey with Mewtwo to look forward to – and I'm definitely looking forward to it. They both have a lot to learn, in different ways, and teaming them up is an idea with quite a bit of potential. I'll be interested to see what you make of it!