Quest of the Elemental Heroes (pg)

[umbreon43085]

;197; Author Note:

Please be nice, this is my second fic, first on this forum. Anyway, the story is devided up by books AND chapters. Chapters are subsections. Spoilers will be given if requested by pm. Only giving spoilers to people who reveiw/give constructive criticism. Please do not post her for requests. This shows up bad in the dark type layout. I have not tested with other layouts. And finally THERE IS A TEN DOLLAR ENTRANCE FEE/jk Sit back, relax, and enjoy the fic.

Quest of the Elemental Heroes

Book One: Chapter One: The Birth of Darkness

It was night time and an umbreon mother was giving birth to a cub. Her name was Torezorranne or Tory for short. Tory was a great fighter but was never muscular. Tory screamed inside of the dark cave that she and her husband called home. Finally, her single cub was born. Tory’s husband, Scarang or Scar, came running. Scar was a bit overweight, and never was a great fighter. Scar was so happy that he almost jumped for joy. The cub born was a boy, but as Scar and Tory took another look at the Eevee cub, they noticed that it was black, just like an Umbreon, but it looked just like an Eevee. Scar and Tory didn’t care, that just made them happier.

Book One: Chapter Two: The Evolution

Three weeks after the birth of the black Eevee cub, it was time to leave the dimly lit cave that was the cub’s old home. The cub’s name was Ivu.

“I know Mom!” I called as he was leaving. “I’ll be back this winter!”

“Take care honey!” replied Tory as she and Scar waved a final goodbye as I was leaving the cave. As I walked on through the dimly lit forest, I heard some footsteps. They were running. Suddenly, a Flareon came out of the bushes to halt right in front of him. I had started shaking as the Flareon was snarling at him. Oh yeah, my first battle, I thought. Suddenly, I shot a small ball of shadows at the Flareon. It didn’t do much damage though. I then used a Quick Attack and which caught the Flareon by surprise. Flareon retaliated with a Flamethrower, leaving me needing to run. I had burns all over the place. Suddenly, I felt drowsy and fainted on the ground at the Flareon’s mercy. I am going to die was my last thought before fainting. After a few hours, I woke up in what I thought as a human building. I was, thankfully right. He had woken up at the only Pokemon Center in Orre. A human woman was looking down at me.

“Now this is a rare find Blaze! Where was it?” The girl exclaimed. A human, presumably Blaze, replied.

“I found it in the Emerald Forest.” Blaze said. He said it in a soft tone, almost of concern, I thought.

“He might actually care about me.” I voiced aloud. I saw a mirror in the facility and stared at my reflection with great surprise. The face that looked back at me was that of an Umbreon, except, I saw no rings. Then I thought, Duh, I left the cave in the moonlight, as happy as could be. That battle must have been all I needed to evolve! I then looked over at Blaze. He was just a kid! Nice hair, I thought. It was ruby red. Once he noticed that I was awake, he came over to me.

“Hey little guy, are you okay?” Blaze asked. I nodded. “I saw your evolution and I was astounded. Then I noticed that you had fainted so then I took you here.”

“Thanks for bringing me here.” I replied.

“Your welcome.” He told me. I was astounded. How could he understand me? I am a pokemon. Most humans don’t understand pokemon.


Yay cliffhangars!!!!!!!!!! Please give reveiws and go ahead and give umbrie in my siggy a hug, or at least a pat. ;197;

 

[Meep]

*Gives the Umbreon in the signature a cookie*

The way you told the story is very confusing. In chapter two, you are telling from the point of view of... what? I'm assuming it's the black Eevee, but it might not be. You might want to add something to clarify that.

 

[umbreon43085]

Yea. I was telling it from the point of the eevee.

P.s. I will post the next chapter tomorrow if I can. And an editor would be greatly appriciated.

 

[Perfect Darkness]

Is Arti allowed to give criticism? Okay, good spelling. Pokemon=Pokémon. You don't need to do that, I just think it's correct. A lot of people don't put it. For the ending, yeah most don't understand Pokémon, but look at Meowth. It learned English, so maybe the Eevee was just born knowing it...oh wait am I spoiling this. Aww, damn, sorry. It's be really good with a tad more description. But so far, for a first time, so good

~;144;

 

[umbreon43085]

No, Blaze understands the pokemon language. but good guess though. do I need more discription everywhere? Or just one part.

p.s. I may make sprites for the characters. If anyone wants some, I'll have some up ASAP.

 

[Meep]

do I need more discription everywhere? Or just one part.

You should describe the charactars some more. Are Scar and Tory lean, fat, muscular, or skeletal? Are they fuzzy or short-furred? And what is Blaze wearing? Pants-and-shorts, a parka, a dress, or even nothing? Actually, now that I wrote this, I am really wondering what Blaze is wearing... *hopes it is not a dress*

 

[umbreon43085]

Yea. You will find out more about blaze in the next chapter, which I will post shortly.

 

[umbreon43085]

Okay, here is chapter three. I REALLY hope that my discription has improved.

Book One: Chapter Three: The Adoption

“I slowly learned how to understand all pokemon, kind of the opposite of that pokemon that learned English.” Blaze explained. As I got a better look at Blaze, I saw that he had blue eyes. He looked very kind. I wonder if he will take me home. “Do you want to come with me?”

I was very happy at that. I am surprised that he would want a weaker pokemon like me, was my next thought. “Yes please! Do you have any other pokemon? How old are you?” I was asking so many questions.

“I have no pokemon. I am about eleven.” Blaze answered all of the questions that I asked. Blaze had a red vest and red, long pants on. His hair, I noticed, was spiky. No hat though.

The women’s name is Nurse Joy, as I had just found out from Blaze. “I hope to be a strong fighter even though I am currently not that strong.

Three hours or so later, Nurse Joy said that I was all better. Blaze had told Nurse Joy that I was a wild pokemon so that if I agreed, I could go with him. As we walked out he said “Since you’re my first pokemon, I ought to give you a nickname. How does Bura sound?”

I told him that Bura was a great name even though I didn’t tell him that my original name was Ivu. We then went to see Professor Aine about Blaze getting a pokemon trainer license. When we got there, we saw a man in a white lab coat bent over some notes.

“You have three pokemon available. You may choose one. If you have a pokemon already, ask me if it is okay, if you don’t ask or it is not okay, you will have to leave it at home.” He explained to Blaze. Apparently, he didn’t notice me.

“I have one. It is an Umbreon. Please let me take him with me!” Blaze responded to that short explanation. I could tell that he was hoping very much. He could probably tell that I felt the same way. The professor thought for what seemed like hours on end. We waited with bated breath. Until finally, his answer was…

Again, yay cliffhangars!!!! I promise, the next one wont have any. Anyway, I fixed the first one so that it changes with all styles depending on the color(s) of the style.

 

[Perfect Darkness]

Ah, renaming. This leaves a lot of room for major turning points. The Ivu part. You treat it small but it can make that much of a difference soon. You're getting better with description, now what about adding more fillers? You are very cut and dry with the story, add some other stuff, more dialouge, more thought, stuff to make it longer and enjoyable rather than quickly jumping from point to point. Fillers also make transitions a lot eaiser. Have you ever read Winding Roads? It is long and a good story because it has fillers. This has an amazingly good potential. Never forget to spell and grammer check also.

~;144;

 

[umbreon43085]

Thx. I'll post the next chapter today, if I can.