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Rainbowflame the Ponyta CH. 1

Mewdio

Banned
The lands of Kanto and Johto are untaimed in the year of 1856. These
lands were clean and majestic, the skys are clear with Pidgey, the forests
have Butterfree and Oddish, the lakes are filled with Magikarp, but most of
all the open plains ran with large, majestic, herds of Ponyta that run freely
across the land. Natives live in the wilderness, in tribes, and live in harmony
with nature and Pokemon. But new settlers will come from the west, the
White Man. They came to the west to settle, live, and capture the pokemon.

One man named Tolite was a baby when his parents were travelling in a
stagecoach, a Persian attacked it and the Tauros pulling the wagon fled, the
parents of Tolite were killed by the Persian and had no pokemon to defend
themselves. Tolite was luckily rescued by a native tribe called the Kohtaw.

The tribe named him Tolite meaning White Flame in their language. They
raised him like their own, he grew like one of them, and made many friends.
But little did he know that he was a white man until he was 17, he started to
grow facial hair and felt it, he saw beards on the new settlers, but none of
the Kohtaw. His facial hair grew longer and so he decided to go to the chief
of the tribe.

"Why is my face like that of a white man?" he asked, "I seem to look like
one of them."

The chief was a truthful man and did not wish to lie to someone he grew
so close to. "You are a white man, your parents were killed when you were
too young to remember, I hate to keep it secret after the years," the chief
said as Tolites eyes started to tear, "Yet it is a chosen path for you to be
raised by us and a new path if you wish to be who you were born, just
remember us."

Tolite hugged the chief and said goodbye to everyone in his village. It
was hard to leave his village, his caretakers, and his always good friend,
Homimo. He then left to a small, new town called Saffron. People looked at
him strangely when he was walking down the main street, it was strange for
him too, he didn't know any English at all. He walked into a saloon with music
and people. It became silent, he looked strange, very strange. He then said
hello in his language. The people looked at him strangely, yet he could hear
some Kohtaw in the back of the room, a young boy, a Kohtaw who lived in
the village.

"Follow me!" the boy said in Kohtaw, running out into the street. Tolite
quickly followed. The boy led him to a small group of houses on the outskirts
of town. A Vulpix greeted him as he walked near and into one.

"He knows how to speak our language, Father!" the boy said. They let
Tolite eat dinner with the Kohtaw community, where he told them his story,
he was even invited to live in the community, where he made many friends,
and learned English. The young boys cousin, a girl of seventeen was half
Kohtaw and very pretty, her name was Salina. She and Tolite came to know
each other very well.

Tolite shaved and wore the clothes of a regular white man. He was able
to go to town and so he did. He learned alot there about how to live. But he
would make alot of enemies that usually thought he was a freak. One day his
enemies did do something to him.

"Hey freak!" a man said like he always did. Tolite got mad this time and
punched the man. The mans friends came over and drew revolvers on him.
Tolite turned his back and left. In his anger he started to run, then he looked
back and saw the men riding Ponytas and fireing revolvers. Tolite then had to
run faster. Out of town, into the forest, then riders chased him. He then ran
into open prairie where they started to gain on him, then surrounded him.
They all drew revolvers, but then a beautiful, shiny, Ponyta with all the colors
of the rainbow in it's fiery maine galloped up and blew a flamethrower with
flames of everycolor, knocking the riders off their pokemon. They got back on
and rode away.

The Ponyta looked at Tolite and turned and trotted away.
"Rainbowflame," Tolite thought following the beast then talking to it,
"You saved my life."

The Ponyta, Rainbowflame then ran away. Tolite did not want to go back
to Saffron, nor for a reason his home village, instead he followed that wild
Ponyta that he named Rainbowflame into a large herd. He tried to stroke
Rainbowflame to gain trust, he would live with the herd for days just to make
friends with Rainbowflame. They started to connect and soon Tolite was able
to ride Rainbowflame for the first time. Both of them enjoyed it and became
very close. Rainbowflame would ride Tolite anywhere he wanted, Tolite had
tamed a wild Ponyta. Rainbowflame later left the herd to be with his owner,
Tolite. Tolite rode to his native village to show his companion to everyone.
Now that he had Rainbowflame he could go out and face the men at Saffron
and then start his pokemon journey!

Chapter 2 coming soon!
 
Last edited:
Wow. The originality runneth high in here! I can't recall seeing something quite like this since... actually, I just can't recall ANYTHING like this. Congrats. You've got a really amazing idea. ^^

That said, I think you should probably take another look at your story and have a serious think about your formatting. Forget about the content for the while - apart from a hugely fast pace that you might wanna slow down a bit, you've handled the actual creative side of writing with a flair for the unusual that showed itself in quite skillfully described action, scenery and characters - what you need reconsider is the way you've presented your story.

Seeing at a 'wall of text' can scare potential readers away - people generally just don't wanna go to the trouble of trawling through hard to read writing. And since you can't really force readers to read what you've written, you need to coax them. Make it easy for them so that they WANT to stay around and appreciate your hard work. There's a few easy steps to doing this and two main ones are:

1. Paragraphing. Basically, when you have a new theme, you start a new paragraph for it by leaving a line between the two paragraphs. Same with speech - new speaker, new line of speech. Doing this breaks up the text and makes it easier for the reader to handle by presenting it little bits at a time.

2. Spelling, grammar and punctuation. These things aren't just there to make your life as a writer harder, they're there to help people understand what you've written. If you contradict these conventions for writing, people can have a harder time trying to make meaning from your work - and if something's hard to read, its chances of being read diminish.

A Spellchecker (like the one built into Word) can help you here, but you might also want to look into getting a beta reader cause Spellcheckers have been known to make mistakes. A beta reader is just someone who knows the rules of spelling, grammar and punctuation and uses that knowledge to proofread your work prior to you posting it.

Hope that helps a bit. Really, you've got an awesome idea here - don't do yourself the disservice of losing readers for technical mistakes. Put this beginning to good use! Try to slow the pace down a bit - you've captured a lot of the atmosphere so far by playing on the preconceptions people have of the 'wild west' and the like. Mebbe try to break away from using those and define the story in your own words. You already showed a flair for description in the introduction - use that and help your readers to visualise the characters, scenery and actions more clearly.

Anyway, amazing start. If you want anything else in your story commented on or if you want anything in this review expanded upon or explained, let me know! Best of luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;
 

Mewdio

Banned
OK I fixed it!
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Um...You really didn't fix it. It's still an oddly stacked story, in which the lines do not stretch all the way across the screen. Plus, you still have some pace issues. You move too fast with the plot. Really try to slow it down a bit.

And fix some paragraphs. Some were kinda weirdly written. But I think a good way to help that is add some more description, so that the pace is slowed down.
 
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