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Randoh Region: Creating a Legacy

Eiro

Grass Pokemon <3
Hey guys, this is a new fan fic I'm writing. I'll update this first post with a fancier format/image/etc. in the future, but right now I want to post my first chapter.

Story takes place in the "Randoh Region." A completely new region I made with tons of fakemon. Hope you guys will be able to enjoy it as the story progresses!

Rating: I don't plan on making use of many "crude" words, but just in case I am going to give this story a PG-13 rating.


Pokedex: (incomplete)*
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37) Nitrich (Ground/Flying): D- Ch. 2
 
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Eiro

Grass Pokemon <3
This chapter is solely dedicated to giving a background story to the main character and how he got to the region.


Chapter 1: A New Beginning​

Exhaustion. That was how Patrick felt. He was running, but he didn’t know why. Running through a forest, jumping over logs and downed trees, he could smell burning in the distance. The forest was covered in a thick smoke. It was only making it harder for Pat to breathe. He stopped running to look around. He couldn’t see anything besides trees, smoke, and various pokemon he had never seen before scurrying for safety. The moon was shining a dim light through the treetops. There was a full moon. It looked marvelous. A beautiful sight to see, within a living hell.

Suddenly, something roared in the distance. Pat turned his head toward the sound to see a figure through the smoke. Two bright eyes pierced through the darkness. The figure seemed to glow in the smoke. It turned and ran.

“Wait! Stop! Where am I?” Patrick yelled. The mysterious creature started fading in the distance. Pat took chase. He stumbled over downed trees, exhaustion taking hold of his body. He could barely keep up. The creature disappeared.

Oh no. Oh no. Where did it go? How am I going to get out of here? thought Patrick. He kept running. He had no choice. He turned his head and the flames in the distance rose high above the treetops. The smoke had gotten so thick it smothered any moonlight attempting to make its way to the floor. Patrick kept running.

It seemed as if miles had gone by with nothing to come of it. The creature had disappeared completely. But Patrick kept running. He figured this forest would come to an end eventually. He ran, despite his aching body telling him not to. He blinked once. Ran a few steps. Blinked twice. Ran further. Blinked thrice. Took a step but nothing. His foot made contact with nothing. His heart skipped a beat. He looked down and there was nothing. He was falling. Falling to his death, and there was nothing he could do about it. The ground below approached him faster and faster. Just as he was about to hit the ground he closed his eyes.

~~~​

Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz, bzzz. Pat sat up in bed. He turned his head. His Pikachu alarm clock showed 8:00 am.

I really need to get a new alarm clock, thought Pat as he rubbed his eyes. His forehead was covered in sweat. His clothes were soaked. He stood out of bed, put his slippers on and headed to the bathroom to prepare for the day ahead.

~~~​

“Good morning, honey. I made your favorite breakfast today,” said Mary Hayes, Patrick’s mother. She was a renowned archaeologist in the Hoenn region. She was short and stout. Her olive green digging shirt was freshly cleaned as well as her denim jeans. Her steel toed boots looked funny on a woman like her, but it was required for her job. A red bandana held her curly light brown hair back, and her glasses made her look rather goofy, considering her attire.

“Thanks mom.” Patrick sat down at the table. Pancakes and bacon were waiting to be eaten. He devoured the food. He put the dishes in the sink, went to the cupboard and pulled out a can of pokemon food. He walked to the corner of the dining room, opened the can, and poured it into a bowl.

“Here you go buddy, have some breakfast,” he said as he pulled out a pokeball. He pushed the center button, and the sphere enlarged. A red beam shot out and a large gray figure appeared next to him. The creature stamped on the ground and smiled in approval to its trainer.

“Lairrrr.” Lairon saw the food, and its eyes got wide. It dipped its head into the bowl and started eating.

“Well, I’ve got to go, hon. Take care today, and keep the house clean, will you?” Mary walked to Pat and hugged him. She walked towards the door, when Pat interrupted her.

“Hey mom…” he mumbled.

“Yes?” She stopped and turned. Her expression looked grim.

“You know tomorrow is Dad’s day, right?”

“Of course I do, hon. How could I forget?” she was fighting back tears.

“Well, are we doing anything?” asked Pat.

“Oh you know the usual. I’ll make his favorite meal. We’ll watch some television, light some candles in remembrance and call it a night. How does that sound?” Mary smiled encouragingly. Her eyes were red.

“Sounds good to me.” Mary turned around and walked out the door. Pat watched through the window as his mom pulled out a pokeball. An Aerodactyl appeared. She hopped on its back and flew off into the distance.

Pat turned and walked towards the living room where he slumped on couch and grabbed the remote. Before he turned on the television he looked at the picture frame hanging above the television. It was a family photo of four people. A once happy family. Mary was smiling gleefully next to her husband, Donald Hayes. Donald had his hand on a young boy, Zach Hayes, about the age of seven. Zach is Pat’s older brother. And in the arms of Mary was a little baby sleeping. Patrick was too young to remember this picture being taken. At the time Zach, Mary, and Pat lived in Dewford Town, in Hoenn. His father had been living in Randoh, but would visit often, when he could.

Why’d you have to be taken from my life so soon? thought Pat. He clenched his fist. His father was a police officer in Vergrande City in Randoh. According to his mother, Donald was getting ready for a promotion to become Police Commissioner. But, the day before the reception, his father was killed in action, trying to prevent a robbery. Pat was two years old when it happened. Tomorrow his mother and he would be honoring his father in the 16th year since he was killed.

His older brother, Zach, was a skilled pokemon trainer. Ten years ago, when Pat was eight, Zach, who was fifteen at the time, left to go on a journey with his very own pokemon. Pat idolized his brother. He was the guy Pat wanted to become. Zach earned all eight badges in Hoenn. And at the age of 18, Zach decided to go to Randoh, the place their father was murdered. Eventually Zach was able to become a gym leader in the region. Pat rarely hears from his brother, who is now 25.

Pat turned on the TV. He turned on the news. RaM is still continuing their digging in the Old Ruins. They say they are close to finding many more fossils within the many caves of the Old Ruins. Ever since they found those three unique fossils last month, RaM has increased their workload. Recently bringing in Mary Hayes, a well renowned archaeologist for her skills- Pat turned off the TV and went to his room. He was tired of hearing about the archaeological dig that brought him to Randoh.

The dig was located in the Old Ruins. The Old Ruins was a very historic and iconic area in Randoh. Its secrets have barely been tapped into due to the fact that it was considered a national landmark until recently. A tourist was visiting when a deep rumbling came from the depths of the caves below. A large crack appeared in the path where he was walking. He looked into the crack and found new fossils that were never discovered before. The Spine Fossil, Tooth Fossil, and Plate Fossil. Efforts to bring these prehistoric pokemon to life were ongoing, but the discovery boosted interest in the Old Ruins. Permits were passed, allowing RaM to dig for more fossils.

RaM, known by their full name as “Recovering and Maintaining” was a company dedicated to preserving the history of the Randoh region. However, these fossils were big enough that if they could bring back these pokemon to life, the money they would earn could help protect the Old Ruins from other companies trying to industrialize the region.

RaM contacted Mary Hayes about working at the newly discovered dig site. At first, she was hesitant, but the company made an offer that Mary couldn’t resist. This was a month ago, and now it had been a couple weeks since they moved to Wettle Town.

Patrick hated the move. He was completely against it from the very beginning. He had already started his journey in Hoenn, earning a few badges with the Aron he caught. But, he had to cut that journey short due to his mother moving. His old life, where he made so many friends over the years, was being taken away from him. He was also so timid and afraid of the thought of moving to the region where his father was murdered. He didn’t like it then, and he didn’t like it now. Ever since the move he’s had constant nightmares, but he couldn’t explain why or how they were happening.

Pat looked in his mirror. His faux hawk was neatly positioned in his typical fashion. He was athletically built. When he was in school he was a track champion and played soccer for his school. He wore faded jeans, all white sneakers, and had a black shirt on. He looked closer at his nose and noticed a little growing bump.

“Aww, not a pimple,” he said in disbelief. He brought his fingers to his nose to see if he could get rid of it when his doorbell rang.

Who in the world could that be? he thought. Patrick left his room and headed down the stairs. Lairon was slumped in the corner, passed out. Eating lunch must have tired him out.

Pat opened the door. His eyes widened and the first thing he could think of was covering that pimple. A beautiful girl stood in his doorway. Long, straight, blonde hair tied into a ponytail. Big, stunning blue eyes. An infectious smile. Her white top, black leggings and white shoes accentuated her stunning looks.

“Hi, you must be Patrick Hayes?” she asked, still smiling.

“Uh.. Um… Yes,” he managed to sputter out, still covering his nose. For some reason he always got real nervous around women he found beautiful.

“Nice to meet you. My name is Lacy Daniels,” she said. Lacy didn’t stop smiling. “You can wipe the drool off your chin.” She giggled.

“Pretty…” Patrick was dazed. He quickly caught onto what she said and wiped his mouth with his other hand, careful to keep that pimple covered. There wasn’t any drool, but at the moment he probably wouldn’t be able to tie his shoes without falling on his face. “Um, I mean, nice to meet you, too.” Good going idiot, he thought, way to make a GREAT first impression. He managed to regain himself, “May I ask what you’re doing here?”

She was still smiling, “Oh, I’m here from Professor Maple. She wanted me to find you and bring you to her lab. She has a request for you.”
 
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Eiro

Grass Pokemon <3
Any and all feedback is welcome! Still updating the first post to better reflect the story with a pokedex, etc. I still need help figuring out how to link the chapters to the first post since, for some reason, it won't let me.

Hope you guys enjoy!


Chapter 2: A Simple Request

“Um, why?” asked Patrick hesitantly. He had heard very little about Professor Maple and her studies. He was still getting adjusted to life in Randoh, now he had to leave to meet a stranger with some girl he just met?

“Well, she has a request for you. She knows a little of your back story and feels you’re capable of completing such a task,” replied Lacy. Her expression changed from genuine delight, to concern.

“Why don’t you come and sit down,” Patrick said. He opened the door wide and took a step back. Lacy looked around his home before stepping inside.

Lacy investigated her new surroundings further. Her eyes darted from one side of the house to the other. She finally noticed Lairon slumped on the floor, sleeping. Her eyes widened. “Is that… Is that an actual Lairon?” she asked as she walked over to the pokemon, “I’ve never seen one before. We rarely get a chance to see pokemon from other regions here in Randoh.”

“Yes. He’s mine,” replied Patrick. He found it easier to talk to Lacy now. For some reason he was bad with first impressions, but he could always recover himself after some time. He watched as Lacy knelt down and pet the sleeping pokemon. Lairon groaned in approval of her, but didn’t wake up.

This is all too strange. What could Professor Maple want from me? thought Patrick, I don’t see how I could be of any use. I barely know a thing about Randoh. I don’t know many of the pokemon in the region. His eyebrows tightened as he thought of what the Professor wanted.

“You alright? You look a little tense,” said Lacy. Patrick realized Lacy had gotten up and made her way to the living room.

“Yeah, just…” Patrick trailed off for a moment. “Just thinking, want a glass of water? Some food? You can have a seat on the couch.”

“I’ll take a water, thank you.” Lacy took a seat on the couch. Patrick filled a glass of water, walked to the living room, sat down in a chair next to the couch and handed Lacy the water. “So, I saw you looked a little tense a moment ago. What’s concerning you?”

Patrick took a deep breath. He didn’t know where to begin. “It’s just; I don’t know what Professor Maple wants from me. I’m new to the region. I barely know the name of my town. I barely know any of the pokemon that live here. What could she want from me?”

Lacy sipped some water. “That’s a good question. I’m sure she can answer it for you. But all I was told was to come down here to Lissof Town and get your butt to Crowe Town where you can talk to her yourself.” She put the glass down.

“Only problem is I don’t really like it here in Randoh. I never wanted to move here in the first place, so what help could a kid who doesn’t even want to be here be?” asked Patrick.

Lacy looked down at the glass on the coffee table. “You know, your dad was loved by many in the region. He was doing things that no other cop wanted to do and he was helping to make Randoh a safer place.” Patrick looked up in shock. “I’m sorry about what happened,” she continued, “but you can’t keep that from preventing you wanting to be here. Randoh can be a beautiful place if you let it into your life. Those inner demons you may be battling with, whatever they are, you won’t be able to overcome them if you aren’t willing to accept change.” She looked up at Patrick, and shot a quick smile. “So what do you say? Take that first step to fighting those demons. Make this that change you need and come with me to see the Prof.”

Well, she sure is persistent and motivational, thought Patrick. He stood up, smiled at Lacy then walked to his room to change.

~~~​

Patrick figured he didn’t need to bring pokemon with him since Crowe Town was about a 30 minute walk. He had a headband around his forehead, a new t-shirt, and cargo shorts. Socks halfway up his calves and some all-white sneakers. He walked over to Lairon and woke the resting pokemon. Lairon yawned loudly and looked at Patrick. “Now, I’m going to be gone for, I don’t know how long, maybe a few hours. You keep watch over this place,” Patrick told the pokemon. Lairon nodded his head, turned to his side, and closed his eyes. It fell back asleep. Patrick smiled. He stood up and walked outside where Lacy was waiting.

It was a nice day out. The sun was shining brightly, there was a slight breeze, and the temperature was just right. Patrick looked around, a couple of his neighbors were in their yards doing work, and playing with their pokemon.

“So, this walk is going to be nice,” Patrick said, looking down Route 101. It connected Lissof and Crowe towns together.

“Who said anything about walk?” Lacy asked smiling. She pulled out a pokeball and threw it into the air. The red beam hit the ground and a tall figure started materializing. It was easily two feet taller than Patrick, who was 6’ 0” tall. It had two long, white, very muscular legs with three sharp talons for toes on each foot. Two talons pointed towards the front, and one talon in the heel. Its body was round and covered in sleek navy blue feathers. Its tail feathers were white. The white neck of the pokemon extended up to a small white head with a long beak. The beak matched the color of the blue feathers. Large, round eyes made up most of the skull. A long navy blue plume started at the top of its head, about a couple feet long, and continued to end above the hindquarters. The pokemon squawked, and clawed at the ground.

“What kind of pokemon is that?” asked Patrick. He had never seen a bird pokemon like this before.

“Say hello to Nitrich. He’s a ground/flying type pokemon only found in Randoh. We’re hopping on his back and he’s taking us to Crowe Town. And you thought we were walking,” she mocked as she hopped on the pokemon’s back.

Patrick watched the pokemon. It clawed at the ground, ready to get started. Patrick jumped on the pokemon’s back. “How long is th-” The bird pokemon took off in a flash. He blinked once and they were already on Route 101.

“Sorry about that, Nitrich are one of the fastest pokemon on Randoh. We should be there in about ten minutes. I’m glad you decided to come,” she smiled. Her ponytail waved in the wind, smothering Patrick’s face.

He looked around at the scenery. He had to admit that the region was beautiful. It seemed as if an endless amount of trees lined the route. Pokemon played in the trees and ran across the ground. The flowers bloomed beautifully. Patrick could barely tell he was riding on the back of a pokemon. Nitrich’s smooth running kept the riders comfortable.

“So how do you know the Professor?” asked Patrick, hoping to break the silence.

“She’s my aunt,” replied Lacy.

“Really? That’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah and so is she. She was always there for me when I was growing up. My mother left my father and me when I was young, so I barely have any memory of her. When my mother left, she helped my father raise me,” Lacy said. She kept a calm straight face. Patrick could tell this was an issue for her. He decided to change the subject.

“So you help your aunt out by doing what?” asked Patrick.

“I help out in her lab as often as I can. If she needs me to run a few errands for her, I’ll do it. If she wants me to go observe some pokemon for a few hours, I do that. I want to be a professor when I get older, so working in the environment will only help.”

“That’s good; I’m not sure what I want to do yet. I used to want to be a cop, but since the move, well you know,” Patrick trailed off. They rode in silence for the rest of the ride.

~~~​

Nitrich entered Crowe Town. The town itself wasn’t too big. There were a few houses located throughout the town. A Pokemon Center was being built next to the PokeMart. Professor Maple’s laboratory was a marvelous structure. It was about three stories tall. Stone pokeballs rested along the top corners of the building. A tall antenna sat atop the building with a large satellite dish adjacent. Solar panels rested along the ground floor to the left of the lab. To the right was a fence that wrapped around behind the lab and ended right behind the solar panels. Various pokemon grazed in the field.

Patrick noticed several Nitrich resting in the field. These pokemon were a different color than the one he was riding on. They had light brown feathers on their body, white tail feathers, the beak was light brown the neck and legs were a light tan, and their plumes were black.

“Wait, so this Nitrich is a shiny version?” asked Patrick.

“Yes, I should have mentioned that. This Nitrich, specifically, is one of Professor Maple’s favorite pokemon. She lets me use him when I need to go on errands that are a good bit away,” she patted the pokemon’s body and the pokemon bowed its head. Nitrich came to a stop in front of the lab. The two jumped off, and Lacy returned the pokemon to its pokeball. Patrick stopped to gather himself, and fix his clothes while Lacy ran inside. He looked above at the main entrance. Two large Kabutops sculptures were placed along each side of the doorway.

Well, Patrick took a deep breath and exhaled, here we go. He walked into the building.

~~~​

The lab was busy with several scientists. A couple scientists were in the far corner pointing to a screen and debating. One was looking through a book shelf. Another was hanging sketches of fossils along a bulletin board. Portraits of various fossil pokemon aligned the room. One scientist had an actual fossil on his desk and was studying it thoroughly. Another was placing a fossil into a machine.

“Hey Patrick, over here,” Lacy called. She waved at Patrick and walked up a staircase. Patrick followed. At the top of the steps he stopped to look around. The upstairs was much more organized and less people were running around. There was one scientist reading a book in the corner. Bookcases lined the room. A staircase led to another floor, but at the top stood a door with a keypad to the side indicating there was something locked behind the door. At the far end of the room was a healing device for pokeballs. Next to it stood a glass case with a digital lock, with a passcode on the front. Inside was one pokeball.

Patrick found Lacy in the center of the room talking to an older woman. She was a curvy woman. She had long, curly blonde hair. She wore a white lab coat over a red top and khakis. Her thin-rimmed glasses sat on the top of her head. The woman looked over at Patrick and waved him over.

“Ah, you must be Patrick Hayes. Nice to meet you, I am Professor Maple,” she stuck her hand out, smiling. She had slight wrinkles in her face, probably from stress and work. Patrick shook her hand.

“Nice to meet you, too,” he replied.

“Well, I’m going to presume that this is your first time in Crowe? It’s a quaint town. Not much happens here,” Maple said.

“Yes, it is. I haven’t gotten out much since we moved in,” he said.

“How is your mother doing?”

“She’s, uh, she’s doing good,” Patrick was hesitant. He wondered why she brought up his mother.

“That’s good. Your mother and I met years ago,” she said, “You see, I study the history of pokemon, particularly fossil pokemon. I study how they lived all those years ago, and what caused them to go extinct. I met your mother on an archaeological dig a little over a decade ago. She’s a very nice lady.”

“Thanks,” he said.

“But, before I get sidetracked, welcome to Randoh. I brought you here because I have a little request for you,” Maple said, getting straight to the point, “Lacy, can you go and feed the Nitrich around back for me?”

“Sure thing,” she smiled, but looked disappointed. She wanted to know what the Professor was going to ask Patrick.

“First thing’s first, follow me,” Maple said. She turned around and headed to a large computer. It had a glass screen, and that was it. The technology in Randoh was much more advanced than in Hoenn. She typed in a few things screen and pushed a button. A small red rectangle popped out of a device connected to the computer. Maple picked it up. It was about the size of her hand. She handed it to Patrick. The device fit perfectly in his hand. The entire front of the device was a screen and it lit up. A small projection appeared on top and a virtual pokeball rotated slowly.

“That right there you’ll need from now till ever. That device works as a Pokedex, a phone, a web browser, and much more. It’s called a Virtual Phone, or vPhone for short. However, since it also is a Pokedex, people just call it a Pokedex. Old habits die hard I guess. Now, you’ll need these,” she walked over to a long tube and pressed a button. The clear tube connected to the room upstairs. Five pokeballs rolled down the tube. Maple picked up the pokeballs and handed them to Patrick. “You’re going to need these out there in Randoh. I’d give you a starter pokemon, but that pokemon over there,” she pointed to the locked case, “is Cuburn, and it’s already reserved. Plus, you’re already an experienced trainer so technically I’m not allowed to.”

“Wait a minute, so your request is to have me travel Randoh, catching pokemon and winning badges? Isn’t that too much of a cliché to be a request?” he asked.

“Well you have a point, but this isn’t the request I had in mind. Follow me over here,” Maple walked over to a bulletin board. Patrick placed the pokeballs on his belt, the Pokedex in a pocket, and walked over to the Professor. All along the bulletin board were newspaper clippings, and some police reports. Most of them had to do with Ram.

“What does this have to do with anything?” asked Patrick.

“Well, as you may already know, I am Lacy’s aunt. My brother, her father, is a detective over in Indutech City. Indutech is the largest city in Randoh. He’s been investigating something, behind the back of his commander. He thinks that Ram is up to no good.”

“How can that be? Aren’t they trying to preserve the history of Randoh by preventing the industrialization that so many want?” asked Patrick.

“That is true; they have strived to keep the history of Randoh in one piece. And that is, according to them, their ultimate goal. But it just seems fishy that all of a sudden they’ve set up in the Old Ruins. Randoh has been going through change for many years, and now that a big discovery was made in the Old Ruins, which were abandoned for decades, they’ve practically moved their entire company in. If they really wanted to preserve Randoh, why not move in or try to do something years before more than 75% of the region has changed to adapt to new technologies? It just doesn’t seem right,” explained Maple.

“So, what is it exactly that you want me to do?” asked Patrick.

“To put it bluntly, I want you to spy on your mother,” she replied in a serious tone.

“Spy? There’s no way in hell I would do that to my mother,” answered Patrick angrily.

“I said to put it bluntly. I don’t want you to actually spy on her. I just want you to keep track of what she does. Ask her how her days go. Find out if there’s anything ‘out of the ordinary’ going on or if they find something interesting or big. And I want you to get back to me if anything happens.”

“Why do you want me to do this?” asked Patrick.

“Well, your mother is a lovely lady. She’s hardworking, a great archaeologist, puts others first, and means well. She’s a great friend. However, I think she was sort of forced into joining Ram. I feel they’re using her for something. Something big, but we aren’t sure what.” Maple picked up a binder and went through it.

“So let me get this straight. You want me to ‘spy’ on my mother because you and your brother think that a company, who is working for good, is planning something big that can what? Take over the region?” asked Patrick.

“Good is a loose word when it comes to this. We can’t be quick to judge a book by its cover. We have legitimate reason to believe this, but we need some way to get more information. You are our best shot. Will you help?” Maple looked at Patrick with concern.

Patrick clenched his fist. How could this woman possibly ask him to spy on his own mother for something stupid? He glared at the professor, turned around and yelled, “No!” He stormed out of the laboratory and ran.

Lacy was in the field feeding the various pokemon. She turned and saw Patrick running off in the distance towards Route 101. I wonder what has him all hyped up, she thought.
 

Akiyama

Awake me if Ash wins
A Chapter 1 Review

I'm going to take a break off of reviewing another fic with a giant review to get at this fan fic. Okay, let's get down to how things are viewed. Since I'm going to be honest, it follows that there are some people who share my views.

This chapter is solely dedicated to giving a background story to the main character and how he got to the region.
Killjoy. Readers expect to learn about the main character throughout the whole story in some way. You don't have to mention what is going to be in a chapter, and you shouldn't mention it because it looks bad.

Exhaustion. That was how Patrick felt. He was running, but he didn’t know why. Running through a forest, jumping over logs and downed trees, he could smell burning in the distance. The forest was covered in a thick smoke. It was only making it harder for Pat to breathe. He stopped running to look around. He couldn’t see anything besides trees, smoke, and various pokemon he had never seen before scurrying for safety. The moon was shining a dim light through the treetops. There was a full moon. It looked marvelous. A beautiful sight to see, within a living hell.
Well, that's a good start. However "couldn’t" should have an (') instead of a grave (`). Thus it should be "couldn't." That's the smallest mistake ever.

“Wait! Stop! Where am I?” Patrick yelled. The mysterious creature started fading in the distance. Pat took chase. He stumbled over downed trees, exhaustion taking hold of his body. He could barely keep up. The creature disappeared.
Dang, how long has he been running? I am biased to assume he's only been running for a few seconds towards this thing, yet he's tired. The setence structure of the paragraph appears weird because it has many short sentences that have a choppy flow to them. The periods make me focus on the next sentence, and then I see another period fast and I'm not sure if this is meant to emphasize something or is just style.

It doesn't feel right to see a few actions divided among so many sentences. To fix this, you need to have the scene in mind, and then re-write until you find that the paragraph is smooth. Also, maybe this paragraph should be longer to describe the scene with more details. After all, I wonder what shapes of the figure did he see through the smoke.

Oh no. Oh no. Where did it go? How am I going to get out of here?
thought Patrick. He kept running. He had no choice. He turned his head and the flames in the distance rose high above the treetops. The smoke had gotten so thick it smothered any moonlight attempting to make its way to the floor. Patrick kept running.
Again, the sentence structure seems to be making sentences that stand out too much. "He kept running. He had no choice" Is odd to me due to the nearly identical sentence length shared by them so nearby in the paragraph. Also, it's possible to describe why he kept running by showing off the flames that near him, and thus push him to run even faster. That could be better than "He had no choice" because while you are implying that he fears for his life, you aren't showing the stimulant for why he runs even faster, and longer.


I really need to get a new alarm clock, thought Pat as he rubbed his eyes. His forehead was covered in sweat. His clothes were soaked. He stood out of bed, put his slippers on and headed to the bathroom to prepare for the day ahead.
Oh, continuous action. The nightmare from the night before carried over.

“Here you go buddy, have some breakfast,” he said as he pulled out a pokeball. He pushed the center button, and the sphere enlarged. A red beam shot out and a large gray figure appeared next to him. The creature stamped on the ground and smiled in approval to its trainer.

“Lairrrr.” Lairon saw the food, and its eyes got wide. It dipped its head into the bowl and started eating.
I feel that this description of Lairon is useless, does he even need to be there? I don't think so. Will he be needed later on? Maybe, but not now because it's lame to see a feeding scene that's this simple. Maybe Lairon could snap at him or something, but I still doubt that this small scene should be here.

“Yes?” She stopped and turned. Her expression looked grim.

“You know tomorrow is Dad’s day, right?”

“Of course I do, hon. How could I forget?” she was fighting back tears.
Well, it's sad, but I don't quite understand what a grim face looks like. Oh, and is she really going to start crying that fast? No, maybe her eyes would start watering and get red, and her head would avoid eye contact with her son, but I doubt that she's already trying to suppress crying. "Fighting back tears" is too strong. Also, what is her facial expression when it's grim? That's not an expression I've heard of before.

Pat turned and walked towards the living room where he slumped on couch and grabbed the remote. Before he turned on the television he looked at the picture frame hanging above the television. It was a family photo of four people. A once happy family. Mary was smiling gleefully next to her husband, Donald Hayes. Donald had his hand on a young boy, Zach Hayes, about the age of seven. Zach is Pat’s older brother. And in the arms of Mary was a little baby sleeping. Patrick was too young to remember this picture being taken. At the time Zach, Mary, and Pat lived in Dewford Town, in Hoenn. His father had been living in Randoh, but would visit often, when he could.
There is no way that I, or any readers, and going to remember or care about everyone in the family. The person they will care about is Pat's dad. In fact that should be the main focus. Do not care about the brothers or the sister (if there was one). I mean, he just got back from seeing her mother almost cry about father, so I bet that he would be looking with a high degree of focus on his dad, only his dad.



His older brother, Zach, was a skilled pokemon trainer. Ten years ago, when Pat was eight, Zach, who was fifteen at the time, left to go on a journey with his very own pokemon. Pat idolized his brother. He was the guy Pat wanted to become. Zach earned all eight badges in Hoenn. And at the age of 18, Zach decided to go to Randoh, the place their father was murdered. Eventually Zach was able to become a gym leader in the region. Pat rarely hears from his brother, who is now 25.
I just don't feel it when I read this. It's directly stated that he idolized his brother? I would feel moved if I saw photos of Zach's battles, videos of Zach's battles under the TV, and even a journal written by Pat that details Zach's skills and training regimes. I just don't feel that Pat is seriously idolizing Zach because writing "he idolizes Zach" doesn't help. This detail of the story is likely what's driving Pat to be a winner. I want to see what skills he's picked up from Zach, and how he did it.

Pat turned on the TV. He turned on the news. RaM is still continuing their digging in the Old Ruins. They say they are close to finding many more fossils within the many caves of the Old Ruins. Ever since they found those three unique fossils last month, RaM has increased their workload. Recently bringing in Mary Hayes, a well renowned archaeologist for her skills- Pat turned off the TV and went to his room. He was tired of hearing about the archaeological dig that brought him to Randoh.
Too long, too detailed. This doesn't feel important to me, so why mention the news with that many words? It should be shortened to something like "Pat turned on the news to see that RaM had found new fossils in the Old Ruins. He yawned, and turned off the TV because he's heard enough about the archaeological dig that brought him to Randoh."

In the point of view of Pat, I doubt he paid that much attention to the TV anyway, so, really, why would the reader care either?

The dig was located in the Old Ruins. The Old Ruins was a very historic and iconic area in Randoh. Its secrets have barely been tapped into due to the fact that it was considered a national landmark until recently. A tourist was visiting when a deep rumbling came from the depths of the caves below. A large crack appeared in the path where he was walking. He looked into the crack and found new fossils that were never discovered before. The Spine Fossil, Tooth Fossil, and Plate Fossil. Efforts to bring these prehistoric pokemon to life were ongoing, but the discovery boosted interest in the Old Ruins. Permits were passed, allowing RaM to dig for more fossils.
That's more interesting. Wait, did the fic just repeat that the dig was in the Old Ruins? I already knew that it was in the Old Ruins because of the TV before. May need to re-write to shorten this.

RaM contacted Mary Hayes about working at the newly discovered dig site. At first, she was hesitant, but the company made an offer that Mary couldn’t resist. This was a month ago, and now it had been a couple weeks since they moved to Wettle Town.
I'm okay with the two possible implications of this paragraph: Thugs or Excellent payment options hired her.

Patrick hated the move. He was completely against it from the very beginning. He had already started his journey in Hoenn, earning a few badges with the Aron he caught. But, he had to cut that journey short due to his mother moving. His old life, where he made so many friends over the years, was being taken away from him. He was also so timid and afraid of the thought of moving to the region where his father was murdered. He didn’t like it then, and he didn’t like it now. Ever since the move he’s had constant nightmares, but he couldn’t explain why or how they were happening.
No, that's ridiculous. How the heck did Ash get away with being in another region while his mother always remained at his home? So yes, that's a terrible reason to quit a journey. Pat's mother moved? Why would he care? That's a problem paragraph, I don't believe that Pat would do such a thing, so explain why he moved.

Pat looked in his mirror. His faux hawk was neatly positioned in his typical fashion. He was athletically built. When he was in school he was a track champion and played soccer for his school. He wore faded jeans, all white sneakers, and had a black shirt on. He looked closer at his nose and noticed a little growing bump.
Overused mirror use. His physical features should not be described all at once like this. It's boring. It should be described by how people perceive him, the environment acts on him, how he acts on himself, what he puts on, and other things. It wasn't needed to talk about his looks already, I have a feeling that other characters could do that. Or, if needed, simply writing what he looked like could work, but it still could look odd.

“Aww, not a pimple,” he said in disbelief. He brought his fingers to his nose to see if he could get rid of it when his doorbell rang.

Who in the world could that be? he thought. Patrick left his room and headed down the stairs. Lairon was slumped in the corner, passed out. Eating lunch must have tired him out.
For a person as vain as him, I wonder why he doesn't resent having to answer a door while a pimple was on his face. Also, Lairon? I don't think he needs to be mentioned.

Pat opened the door. His eyes widened and the first thing he could think of was covering that pimple. A beautiful girl stood in his doorway. Long, straight, blonde hair tied into a ponytail. Big, stunning blue eyes. An infectious smile. Her white top, black leggings and white shoes accentuated her stunning looks.
Excellent, now that's just how he should react.

“Nice to meet you. My name is Lacy Daniels,” she said. Lacy didn’t stop smiling. “You can wipe the drool off your chin.” She giggled.
Sweet, she described Pat very well simply by mentioning drool.

“Pretty…” Patrick was dazed. He quickly caught onto what she said and wiped his mouth with his other hand, careful to keep that pimple covered. There wasn’t any drool, but at the moment he probably wouldn’t be able to tie his shoes without falling on his face. “Um, I mean, nice to meet you, too.” Good going idiot, he thought, way to make a GREAT first impression. He managed to regain himself, “May I ask what you’re doing here?”
The dialogue and fighting with himself was pretty entertaining.

Overall, I am not impressed by Pat. I need to gain an understanding of him, and a characterization would help. All I got out of the chapter was that he was a typical, vain teenager. That's because I only see him acting in scenes where he cares about his father (by mentioning it to his mother), and where he is tripping over himself because a pretty girl shows up as his front door.

You had a good hook for the story, but I am not okay with how well Pat is characterized. The lack of details or memories or proof of how he idolized his brother made me wonder "How do I know that he's serious about being a pokemon trainer? Why, I can't believe such a thing just because I'm told so. I need detail." Also, Pat quitting a journey in Hoenn because Pat's mother had to move is an unreasonable thing. Pat could have easily stayed in Hoenn and kept traveling, that's what trainers can do. So I feel that the story impacted his characterization negatively by doing those two things.

I don't know if the plot will be good, maybe it's great, but I can't get past Pat. Pat does not feel that human to me. I don't know if he's a man living in a hard family that dreamed of being a pokemon trainer to fight back at his bad situation. What's his actions doing? Is he improving himself? Improving the world? Improving his family. Characterization goes beyond this, but Pat seems like just any normal teenager in my high school, and that's too normal (even if his dad died).

Then there's problem of the concept of Fakemon. Still, it didn't matter to me, but it will affect others just because of bias. After all, it was a good beginning, but the rest of the chapter was off. However the end with the pretty girl was good.
 

Air Dragon

Ha, ha... not.
OK, I can't remember all six areas I hit when writing a review (scratch that, just remembered the sixth), but to make up for that, I'll hit both chapters at once.

GRAMMAR

And at the age of 18, Zach decided to go to Randoh, the place their father was murdered. Eventually Zach was able to become a gym leader in the region. Pat rarely hears from his brother, who is now 25.
Eighteen. Twenty-five.

Patrick figured he didn’t need to bring pokemon with him since Crowe Town was about a 30 minute walk.
Thirty. When numbers are used in writing (other than when they are read out or seen by characters as numerals, like on a clock or in an address), they’re normally written in words. You do this at some points, and at others you completely disregard it. Like below:

The red beam hit the ground and a tall figure started materializing. It was easily two feet taller than Patrick, who was 6’ 0” tall.
Although I have a slight misgiving with this. See the description clause.

“First thing’s first, follow me,”
Things.

That aside, you actually did well so far. Just watch those numbers and you’ll be good to go. :)

Rank: B

PLOT


Patrick hated the move. He was completely against it from the very beginning. He had already started his journey in Hoenn, earning a few badges with the Aron he caught. But, he had to cut that journey short due to his mother moving. His old life, where he made so many friends over the years, was being taken away from him. He was also so timid and afraid of the thought of moving to the region where his father was murdered. He didn’t like it then, and he didn’t like it now. Ever since the move he’s had constant nightmares, but he couldn’t explain why or how they were happening.
Like Akiyama said, why move then? A, Pat’s already an accomplished Pokémon Trainer. B, his brother’s a freaking Gym Leader. Aren’t they meant to be… oh, I dunno, the elite? Pat’s moving with his mother’s pointless, if he felt this way from the jump about it. Unless he’s younger than ten, which would be odd considering he’s an accomplished Trainer and all.

“Only problem is I don’t really like it here in Randoh. I never wanted to move here in the first place, so what help could a kid who doesn’t even want to be here be?” asked Patrick.
That… is a VERY good question. It’d be different if Pat actually liked moving to Randoh, or had his own reasons for doing it. But he’s said point-blank that he hates the move. That he only moved because his mom got relocated. Looks like a tough spot you’ve written yourself into. Not saying your fic is dead in the water, just that it’s become much more difficult to do so.

“I’m sorry about what happened,” she continued, “but you can’t keep that from preventing you wanting to be here.
Actually, he can, sister.

Five pokeballs rolled down the tube. Maple picked up the pokeballs and handed them to Patrick. “You’re going to need these out there in Randoh. I’d give you a starter pokemon, but that pokemon over there,” she pointed to the locked case, “is Cuburn, and it’s already reserved. Plus, you’re already an experienced trainer so technically I’m not allowed to.”
Why give him the pokéballs, then? If Pat’s an experienced Trainer, shouldn’t he have more Pokémon than Lairon? Or is he that good? Well, he left Lairon at home, to go somewhere with an at-the-moment stranger. But, hey… she’s right purty! And guys lose all reason in two instances: over a woman, or over pride.

If they really wanted to preserve Randoh, why not move in or try to do something years before more than 75% of the region has changed to adapt to new technologies? It just doesn’t seem right,”
Uhh… to leave Randoh’s natural resources untouched? If RaM was up to no good, they’d have come up or out with a trumped up reason to move into a national landmark that would pique a law enforcement officer's curiousity.

“So, what is it exactly that you want me to do?” asked Patrick.

“To put it bluntly, I want you to spy on your mother,” she replied in a serious tone.

“Spy? There’s no way in hell I would do that to my mother,” answered Patrick angrily.

“I said to put it bluntly. I don’t want you to actually spy on her. I just want you to keep track of what she does. Ask her how her days go. Find out if there’s anything ‘out of the ordinary’ going on or if they find something interesting or big. And I want you to get back to me if anything happens.”
Actually, Professor, that is EXACTLY what ‘spying’ is…

Professor Maple’s plan to employ Pat as a spy backfired so badly; she pretty much put her own family at risk, not to mention shot her foot off. What if Pat tells his mother? Why didn’t she use Lacy to get close to Pat’s family through Pat, and find out stuff for her brother’s investigation? That was NOT thought out well at all, Maple…

Patrick clenched his fist. How could this woman possibly ask him to spy on his own mother for something stupid? He glared at the professor, turned around and yelled, “No!” He stormed out of the laboratory and ran.
With his Pokémon at home… thirty minutes away (on foot). Dang, no one seems to be thinking much today, are they?

Rank: D

CHARACTERS

The cast seems basic so far. And though they have some glaring issues personality-wise, I’m going to see how far you take these guys.

That, and make up your mind. Is he Patrick, or Pat? Maybe people who aren’t familiar with him off the bat can call him Patrick, maybe Pat when he warms up to them and vice versa. That consistency issue aside, I have no complaints. So far.

Rank: A

DESCRIPTION


This chapter is solely dedicated to giving a background story to the main character and how he got to the region
I'm going with Akiyama on this one: total killjoy. It's almost as bad as running an intro on your characters before you start. I'd know; I did that myself. It kills reader anticipation, and for a journey fic, that's shooting it in one foot.

“Here you go buddy, have some breakfast,” he said as he pulled out a pokeball. He pushed the center button, and the sphere enlarged. A red beam shot out and a large gray figure appeared next to him. The creature stamped on the ground and smiled in approval to its trainer.

“Lairrrr.” Lairon saw the food, and its eyes got wide. It dipped its head into the bowl and started eating.
OK, this can be describing any of the Pokemon in the Grey colour group, and there are sixty five of them, twenty six could be referred to as a "large grey Pokemon" (not counting legendaries). What you've written is disturbingly lacking. How big is the Pokemon, roughly? Eye colour? Does it even have legs?

I suppose I should at least be grateful you tried here. Your descriptions thus far were like lists and you didn't describe Aerodactyl at all. One of the biggest rules in description is “Show, not Tell.” Use actions to show the reader what you’re talking about, just don’t tell them what you want them to know outright. For example, this description of Patrick:

Pat looked in his mirror. His faux hawk was neatly positioned in his typical fashion. He was athletically built. When he was in school he was a track champion and played soccer for his school. He wore faded jeans, all white sneakers, and had a black shirt on. He looked closer at his nose and noticed a little growing bump.

“Aww, not a pimple,” he said in disbelief. He brought his fingers to his nose to see if he could get rid of it when his doorbell rang.

Who in the world could that be? he thought. Patrick left his room and headed down the stairs. Lairon was slumped in the corner, passed out. Eating lunch must have tired him out.

Pat opened the door. His eyes widened and the first thing he could think of was covering that pimple. A beautiful girl stood in his doorway. Long, straight, blonde hair tied into a ponytail. Big, stunning blue eyes. An infectious smile. Her white top, black leggings and white shoes accentuated her stunning looks.
Could be like this:

Pat’s athletic build, honed after years of school soccer and track, came to a pause in front of a full-length mirror. His eyes roved over his white sneakers, stained by dirt and grass from his travels. His eyes narrowed as they came to fix themselves on his face, and pulling a hand from the pocket of his faded jeans, raised it to a small lump growing on the size of his nose.

Groaning to himself as he recognized it, he cursed the pimple and began to prod and pinch the offending lump before the doorbell rang. Giving up as a bad job, Pat moved towards the door, his hands now pushing up his ridge of (colour) hair as whoever it was rang a second time.

Passing his slumbering Lairon in the hall with a chuckle at the content look on its face, Pat flattened out his plain black shirt and opened the door. He immediately wished he’d done more about the pimple as his (insert colour here) eyes widened. A young girl stood in the doorway, her long straight hair gleaming in the sunlight in its simple ponytail. Pushing a blonde strand away from her face, she focused her large blue eyes on his face, and her (delicate) mouth broke into an infectious smile. Her top (and shoes) matched Pat’s shoes, only it/they were much more cared-for. Her black leggings completed her appearance, which was simply stunning to Pat. (Her leggings showcased shapely legs whose length made her about a few inches shorter than the smitten boy).
Stuff in brackets can be omitted. With this, Lacy is introduced in the way Pat notices her. Does he notice her hair first, or her lips? What does she do or why does he notice them first? All this comes into making a description vivid. We take note of Pat’s appearance in similar fashion.

Fair warning: this is, however, just a suggestion. Take it or leave it.

Also, don’t think everybody has a window into your brain. Or know what all seven hundred and twenty one plus Pokémon look like. Checking the stats of Pokémon frequently is something a lot of people do, even veterans. We can’t know it all. And even if we do, we can be wrong.

The red beam hit the ground and a tall figure started materializing. It was easily two feet taller than Patrick, who was 6’ 0” tall.
OK, Pat's six feet tall, making Nitrich eight feet tall. But one's height isn't so blatantly obvious from the get-go. If you had mentioned Pat measuring himself some time ago and coming up to six feet, that would have been better. Even more so if he were a little over or under the mark.

Just relax and try to expand the description a little. You show you can list, now fix actions into it and you’re on your way.

Rank: D-

LENGTH


Hmm… the chapters aren’t tome-length, but long enough to show some thought went into it. Being a bit more descriptive would help that along a bit. Also, I’d like to say a little something about your pacing. Three days between chapters for a fic like this is a bit too short. (Hello, Kettle, my name’s Pot.) I may take months to put a chapter out, but when you make sure that chapter’s worth reading (paints a pretty, descriptive picture), time’s more or less trivial, especially when it’s liked. I take too long to write up a chapter, you post yours quite quickly. Let some time pass for the chapter to sink in and maybe some reviews before you post a new chapter. A week’s a good wait time. Besides, if you have a chapter ready to go already, the wait time will enable you to tweak it in case someone points out a slip-up in the previous chapter which may show up again.

Rank: B

OVERALL


Bottom line, I guess this is too little to tell from so far. The grammar was respectable and showed some effort went into this. Your plot points, however, did not. However, I’m willing to see where this goes (as I have a softness for Original region fics),but in honesty I cannot be totally impressed with this so far.

RANK: ;120;;120; and a half ;120;

L@er!
 

Eiro

Grass Pokemon <3
Thanks for the reviews guys! I'll look over them, make changes, and adjust the story as it goes along according to your feedback! What you guys said really helps and motivates me to write more.

I want to explain my absence and lack of chapters in recent days. I've been swamped with work. The end of the semester is nearing and, typically, my professors decided to throw all the work together at once. I have 4 research papers due within the next two weeks, a couple exams, a couple labs, and other assorted homework. Hopefully I will have a chapter up before thanksgiving break (Nov. 25). Sorry for the inconvenience, but I'll be back to writing in no time.
 
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Akiyama

Awake me if Ash wins
You're welcome. Also, good job on receiving a review from Air Dragon because, like me, I bet he is busy with school or work as well. So you know, I'm a hard reviewer because I always read slowly and take notes on these stories. When the story feels off to me, I say so. Anyway, good luck on writing.
 
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