Ranger of Duty

[Aqua_Charlie]

This is my second, and best fic, the chapters are small but i've worked out that there will be 58 chapters roughly, so stay tuned!

C&C Apreciated, please dont Veiw and leave ¬¬


Chapter One


Wind blew past the fields, The bitter taste of the seaside - whipping in and out of the trees that bordered the fields. A middle aged teen could be seen Strolling through the long grass, he looked sly like a ninja, armed with pokeballs at his side, He was wearing all black, hidden in the dark like a spec of dust on the carpet.

The trainer carried on strolling, it looked like he was looking for something, but in the trees? What could be in there, of interest? Moments later a Houndour crossed His path, the middle-aged teen stood there. Nervous. Trembling with fear, he staggered towards the trees, grasping some branches and heaving himself upwards towards the top of the tree. He went in his yellow and blue rimmed bag and pulled out a whip like lead. Strangely he tossed it around in the leaves until…

“Gotcha!”
He said while he pulled his lead back, a spinarak was dangling off the lead, it started to glow. Moments on the spinarak was dropped from the lead, ready to obey The man’s every command.
“Spinarak, use spider web now!”
Spinarak leapt into the air and spun a web in the branches, houndour foolishly jumped at spinarak, getting caught in the net. Paralysed. Frozen!.

“Spinarak, Poison Sting now!” He yelled…
Spinarak’s fangs started to glow purple, and then, All of a sudden tt darted at houndour.It's neck was badly wounding, realising it had lost the fight, houndour yelped and fled into the vast wild…


BIO

Main characters,

Name: ???
Clothing: All black
Items: Ranger lead. Potion X5 Pokeball X5
Race: White
Accosiation: Pokemon Ranger

Name: ???
Clothing: ???
Items: ???
Race: ???
Accosiation: Breeder

Aqua~

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Whoah! First thing I noticed about this is the orange text. Actually, I find it makes it really hard to read what you've written. Mebbe just stick to black? And speaking of technical issues, I noticed a few stray capital letters the 'S' in 'strolling' in the first paragraph, the 'H' in 'he' in the second paragraph and the 'Y' in 'yellow', also in the second paragraph. Oh the the 'W' in 'whip' in the second paragraph and the 'T' in 'the' in third paragraph. I'm fairly sure all of those should be lower case. Also, spacing speech out from the rest of the text in the way you've separated the paragraphs would help make the story easier to read and more professional-looking.

Another point - you said a 'middle aged' trainer was strolling through the long grass - but then you said the 'middle aged teen' was terrified... are they the same person? Because the term 'middle aged' is generally used to refer to the middle years of a human lifetime - around the forties to the fifties, I think, but don't quote me on that. A 'teen' isn't middle aged and if you're meaning that someone's in the middle of the 'teen' years, then mebbe phrase it more exactly.

Anyway, as to the content of your story, it's hard to tell so far. This is only a tiny snippet (and the future chapters will have to be at least a page in Word, I think it is, to avoid breaking the rules). Even so, you're obviously an original approach to this story - I say this because you've chosen to write about a ranger and there aren't many ranger stories out there and because you put a Spinarak in - and Spinarak are underused and awesome. ^^ Slick work.

One final point - I wouldn't advise putting the bios in at the end - let your characters speak for themselves (not necessarily literally).

I think I'll leave this review here because any assumptions I make on the little bit that's up may be proved foolish with the addition of next chapter. Overall: original and potentially brilliant idea - just be careful to use realistic and well-developed characters. ^^ Put this beginning to good use, will you? ^^ Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
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[Xiang]

You show great potential in your writing, but it still needs some work. You did a nice job with describing the character's surroundings, but the character and action describing needs work.

Spinarak’s Sting started to glow purple, and then. All of a sudden.

All of a sudden isn't a sentence. Now there are exceptions, but here it ruins the flow. And Spinarak has s Sting? I think you mean spinner. Replace the period between then and all with a comma, and replace that period at the end with a comma as well and I think it'll be better.

Later,
Ratiasu

 

[Aqua_Charlie]

if you have noticed i edited first chapter to make it better [^_^] hers chapter two, i think its an improvement!

“Spinarak, return to the wild!” The boy said, after saying that, the gold ring around spinarak’s neck dissolved back into the whip with astonishing speed.
“Spin spin araak” The spinarak squawked as it scuttled into the dark trees.

The boy got back onto the dusty trail that lead to rubite town, but before that he needed to get some sleep. He was just in the middle of setting up his tent, witch he kept in his bag, when a Young girl stood in front of him,

“Excuse me?” she asked
“Oh… just who are you??”
“My names Kris, I was looking for my book, it’s a breeders guide, you seen it?”
“No, sorry. By the way my names Honour!”
“that’s a nice name you got there!” Kris exclaimed, she looked fairly short, blue hair in two pigtails ever side of her head, wearing a pink hat over them, she wore light red clothing with black shoes, and one poke ball at her side, she looked like a breeder.
“Hey is this it?” Honour said as he was rummaging through the tent, “It was right next to my tent?”
“Oh yes, thank you!” Kris joyfully shouted,
“Hey, you know a lot about pokemon, being a breeder don’t you? How about travelling with me?”
“Well, that would be great! Meet Violet, my Nidoran (F) “
“wow what a cool pokemon, I don’t have any though, I’m a ranger, I use this whip to temporarily use pokemon to stop evil doers!
“That’s great. Hey, is there any more room in that tent! I could do with some sleep!?”
“Yeah sure come on in, it quite late anyway”

Next day…

*Tat-at-tat-at-tat*
“huh what?” Kris Squealed ,
“Who was that” Honour exclaimed, *tat-tat-at-at*… Kris and Honour stepped outside to see a bell sprout bullet seeding the tent!
“Get away!” Kris shouted “I’m sorry Honour, my nidoran is to injured to battle, we had a match with a hound our last night, it nicked my soothe bell!”
“ok then, ill be back in a minute!” Honour shouted as he darted into the trees, moments later he re-appeared. This time holding his whip and being followed by a Cyndaquil with a golden collar around its neck,
“found this one under a pile of leaves!” Honour said “Cyndaquil, use Ember combined with growl”
Cyndaquil growled, sending shockwaves into the air, then used ember to set the shockwaves alight, creating fire circles! Bellsprout was trapped inside the rings, it didn’t know what was going on!
“Cyndaquil, use ember and tackle!”
Cyndaquil brushed up its fire and rolled into bellsprout, bellsprout went up in flames, until it ran back to the trees,
“A job well done, Cyndaquil!” Cyndaquils collar vanished, cyndaquil leapt to the wild!… TBC

 

[Aqua_Charlie]

anyone got any comments? i'm starting a new chapter and i was wondering, is advertising for this Fic allowable in my sig?

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Hey!

Advertising in sigs is certainly allowed. ^^ In fact, pretty much all the banners you see on the sigs of established writers are links to their stories.

As for your latest chapter, the thing I notice most is the originality. O.O I'm not entirely sure if setting 'shockwaves' on fire is actually possible (though since oxygen burns and if theres more oxyge in one spot than another... it may burn stronger/brighter?? Eh, disregard). It's still an incredibly innovative and clever idea. ^^ I really like seeing new and creative uses for pokemon moves - it makes the stories fresh and original. ^^

I do, however, have a few issues with the lead up to that bit, though. Honour 'found a Cyndaquil under some leaves'? Aren't the starter pokemon extremely rare in the wild? If they're not, you should probably say so because the assumption is that they are - making the chances of Honour randomly finding one the way he did practically zero to none. Also, if the Bellsprout was 'seeding' the tent, how'd he get out to go and get the Cyndaquil without being shot? Out the back way, I suppose? Again, it helps if you explain these things.

What else... ah, right. Kris - I like your choice of starter. ^^ But wouldn't she have a potion or some other healing item with her? If Nidoran is her only pokemon, surely she couldn't risk anything happening to it and leaving herself defenceless? And if Kris didn't have any healing items, wouldn't Honour have some he could lend to her? Also, this bit:

“Oh yes, thank you!” Kris joyfully shouted,

doesn't sit well with me. for one, the comma after shouted should be a full stop and for another... 'joyfully shouted'? I see that as a really loud exclamation of happiness that's just a bit over the top for the circumstances. Meh, it's your character and perhaps she's that sort of person... but she IS coming across as slightly hyper - and 'hyper' people often aren't realistic. Most people are rather subdued and reluctant to be loud like that, so perhaps Kris and Honour might tone their enthusiasm down a bit? Eh, just a suggestion.

Hmm... I liked the idea of the meeting between Kris and Honour - it's unusual and different. ^^ Heh, lost books. I'm wondering a little what a breeder would be doing on a journey, but perhaps we'll find out in future chapters?

Meh, overall,you're showing incredible creativity and originality. Just tone down the full-on-ness of your humour and character's behaviour. Remember that 'normal' and 'mediocre' can be some fo the best attributes a character can have - it makes what happens to them seem more extraordinary. ^^ Hope this helps. Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
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[Aqua_Charlie]

Next Chapter!

“well, now we can get down to Rubite town no problem!” Kris joyfully said,
“Ok then, we should get moving then!” Honour answered, Honour and Kris followed the path, strolling along normally, within about an hour of a long journey they were there, at last they had arrived in Rubite town, “So, Kris, what brings you to rubite town?” Honour asked,
“well, I’m looking for a breeding centre, so I can get my official breeders card!” Kris answered, “and you?” she asked again,
“well I’m here to go to the ranger depot, you give in your basic whip and get a ranger card and a pokemon, it’s for the advanced rangers, we also get given a top of technology leash!” Honour explained, dragging on almost made Kris fall asleep!
“well lets go and find them!” Kris said,
“ok Kris can we go to the rangers depot first?” Honour asked,
“Yeah whatever Honour” Kris answered.

“well, we’re here, now all we gotta do is check in!” Honour said
“Hello and welcome to the ranger depot, how may I help you?” asked the client on the desk,
“I’m Honour Brown, here to get my pokemon and leash?”
“oh yes your on the list, go right through!” The client explained. Honour walked through the doors to find an astonishing array of pokemon from what he could see there was a Phanphy, Spinarak, Ledyba, Chikorita, Tediursa, Manene, Bonsly, Munchlax, Makuhita and an Aipom, the aipom was separated from everyone else though, it looked lonely,
“I’ll take Aipom!” Honour shouted,
“Are you definatler sure?” The client asked,
“yeah, why wouldn’t I be?!?” Aipom jumped on Honours shoulder, honour got his leash, attached a collar to aipom and happily walked out to meet Kris.
“so, how’d it go?” Kris asked
“well, I got this little fella!”
“Wow! Aipoms are really rare here in Lukatom you should be proud of that Aipom!” Kris Explained “well, its my turn now lets go to the breeders centre!”
“ok ok we’ll go then!” Honour moaned…

Almost immediately they arrived at the breeders centre, it was a vast building with many posters of baby pokemon and eggs, Honour was wondering what they were all up there for when he was interrupted by Kris,
“Hey, thanks for taking me here, when will I next get to see you?” she said
“What? I your leaving???” Honour replied,
“sorry, I really must go!” Kris shouted as she was pushed down the corridor by the crowd of breeders, “its breeders season, I got to go!” That was is, Honour thought. Kris just came and went like that, how strange, what would he do now, where would he go?
To Be Continued…
(From now on the story is continued in two parts, one explaining how Kris does and one explaining how Honour does, this may seem weird but it works out in the end)

*Kris*

“Alright everybody, can we have calm please!?!” The president of the breeders centre shouted over the raging crowd, the man was quite short, but muscley and strong, he wore a black blazer and black trousers, “ I expect your all wondering why I called you breeders here? Well, this is top secret information! Mask Of Ice, a team rocket member, has fled from team rocket to make his own team, Team Neo! This may not seem bad, but there putting our age into an ice age, causing pokemon to slowly die out, we need you breeders to somehow breed a pokemon of mass destruction to wipe out Team Neo, once this has done we can return to our normal things, but we must start straight away, think up of pokemon that will make the best moves combined, we need an army of mass destruction…”

To Be Continued

 

[Demise]

Make some space with the 'enter' button between people's dialect. That way it'll be more easy to read. ^_^

-;197;

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Oooh... and the plot thickens.

The originality in this story continues to keep my attention. Aipom, IMO, is a truly potential loaded choice of starter. It's already interesting cause it's such an underused pokemon - all it needs now is a believable personality and you've got a great pokemon character all ready to go.

Still, I wasn't so fond of the way Honour chose his pokemon. Just cause the Aipom looked lonely? Wouldn't he put a bit of thought into what sort of pokemon would best suit his needs so that he wouldn't find himself in a situation where he lacked a pokemon able to perfom the necessary tasks - and so he wouldn't be trying to force a pokemon to do a job it wasn't capable of? Then again, he's a ranger, so I suppose he'd be able to find a suitable pokemon most of the time and the one he'd be getting would just be for companionship. Also, you said

“I’ll take Aipom!” Honour shouted,

Why is Honour shouting? The attendant is right there - there's no need for him to be loud. If anything, I'd have expected him to be a bit quieter. Making a big decision often requires personal reflection - and people are often shy and withdrawn when it comes to themselves. Whilst I understand that Honour might be a bold and energetic lad, I still reckon that shouting all the time is unrealstic and kinda annoying for the reader. Personally, I'd rather see people being quiet than loud - it just seems more likely.

...incidentally, how come Honour is an 'advanced ranger'? Isn't he only in his middling teens? Please explain this a little more - there's a lot of reasons, but you need to let your reader know which one you've chosen rather than just letting them pick one.

(From now on the story is continued in two parts, one explaining how Kris does and one explaining how Honour does, this may seem weird but it works out in the end)

Not at all weird. A lot of writers have sidestories. Personally, I'm juggling about three at the moment. So it's not weird or unusual at all. (But I would advise that you don't split it up too much for too long. With two storylines, you're probably doing fine, but I wouldn't more than that for extended periods of time.)

Oh, I liked the idea of a breeder having to travel to be certified as a breeder. It's original and lends itself to a LOT of plot devices. ^^ And Kris's sudden departure was intriguing.. why WOULD she run off like that....

Erm... with the "we need you breeders to somehow breed a pokemon of mass destruction to wipe out Team Neo", I'd suggest revising that. Perhaps just make it 'breed stronger pokemon that are resistant to ice' because 'army of mass destruction' is kinda overdramatic and highly unlikely. Besides, what would happen to the army of pokemon AFTER they'd defeated Team Neo? Isn't it cruel and pointless to breed creatures for no point other than to destroy something? Actually, these are the questions that your character should be asking, not your readers. Still, I suppose we're about to see that, since we haven't actually SEEN how Kris is going to react yet. Bascially, just be careful. If you put something corny in for the sake of looking corny, make sure your reader knows that YOU know it's corny - otherwise they might not look any deeper.

Anyway, this chapter was a mixed bag - there were parts that were really great and parts that I raised an eyebrow at. What I really recommend doing is putting a lot more description in here. That would help to flesh out the story so that the readers get a better mental image of what's going on. Also, work on the characterisation - tone down the actions and speech so that your characters don't seem unrealistically hyper. That will help add to the realism and give you readers a strong sense of who as people the characters are. And finally, I suggest you enlist the help of a Spellchecker and a beta reader to get rid of the formatting, punctuation, spelling and grammar errors in here. That will help this story to comply better with the rules so it doesn't get closed for rule breaking. ^^

Anyway, IMO, this is too original and potential-riddled to let go. Put what you've got here to good use. You're doing well, but I reckon you have the talent to do better. (Which is why I've been rather harsh this review - I reckon you're strong enough handle the crit and skillful enough use it to improve.) If you want me to clarify or explain anything in this review, PM me. ^^ Good luck and fun to you.

Piney.
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