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Reaturn to Pettleburg (AAMayL)

E

Ember

Guest
Ok, I told you guys that I would write another AAMayL and so here it is. But don’t worry I’m still going to continue writing the other one to. Here is the first chap, I know it’s short but I promise to make the other chapters longer.

Chapter1- Arrival in Pettleburg

“Oh, I’m so exited, we’re finally going to get to see our parents again!” said an over joyous May to her friends one sunny afternoon.

“Yeah, and plus we’re going to get to see Aunt Lily and Uncle Edward and Catty and Lizzie to,” Max said grinning at her.

“And I can’t wait to get my fifth badge to,” said Ash, sounding like he’s a ready to go and win.”

“Well, we’ll have plenty of time for that, but first lets just worry about getting there first.” Brook said laughing at his friends confidence in himself.

“Yeah, you don’t want to go straight into a battle right when you get there,” May said to him, “Lets just relax for today and you can battle my dad tomorrow.”

“You mean our dad,” Corrected Max.

“Whatever,” May said rolling her eyes.

They then got to the top of the hill they were walking up, and they saw the city of Pettleburg with the gym in the distance.

“Home Sweet ome,” May said smiling, “Race ya, bye!” She then tore down the hill.

“Well, I don’t know about you two, but I’m going to beat her,” said a confident Ash, as he ran down the hill after her.

“Ash always thinks that everything’s a competition, doesn’t he?” Max asked Brock.

“Yep,” He replied. They then ran down the hill after them.

When Ash and May got to the doors of the gym, they were breathing hard. May then jumped into the air and yelled, “Yeah, I beat you Ash!”

“Well you got a head start,” he said unwilling to admit defeat.

“Yeah, but you caught up to me, and then I beat you.” She said looking at him and crossing her arms.

“Well, you still did get a head start,” said Ash folding his arms also, staring at her hard.

“But I still beat you fair a square, Ash Ketchem!” May said yelling at him with her fists clenched down at her sides.

Their faces were now red with fury as they yelled back and forth at each other, but neither of them had seemed to notice that Brock and Max were there, and that May and Max’s parents, aunt, uncle, and cousins were standing and watching with the door open.

“Do they always fight like this?” Norman asked Brock.

“Yeah, always,” Brock replied sweatdropping.

They now had turned the fight into a completely different subject, and were at each other’s throats.

“I’m better at winning contest ribbons than you are!” May yelled at him.

“Well, I’m better at earning badges then you are,” Ash yelled bak at her.

Max then put himself in between them and said, “There’s no reason to fight, especially in front of everyone.”

“I front of everyone?” they asked, they then turned and saw May and Max’s family staring at them sweatdropping. They both then sweatdropped and laughed a nervous laugh. They both then turned to Max, “Why didn’t you tell us!” they both yelled at him in unison.

“Well, it certainly is nice to see you all again,” Norman then said to them.

They all then turned to face May and Max’s family. May and Max walked up to them and gave their parents a hug. May and Max’s cousins then ran up to them and gave them each a hug.

“May, Max, we missed you,” Lizzie exclaimed.

“It’s good to see you to,” May said to them.

“You know, you two shouldn’t fight like that,” Norman said looking at Ash and May.

“Oh, Norman stop it, besides I think it’s sweet,” Caroline then said to him.

“Yeah? How so?” Norman asked her.

“Well, it’s said that if you fight a lot with a person it means that you really care about and like that person,” Lily explained while Caroline giggled and Edward let out a chuckle.

While this conversation was going on however, Ash and May’s faces were turning beet red. “Me like him/her? No way!” they both then shouted at each other and faced in the opposite direction and crossed their arms.

“Ah, its so nice to see young love these days,” Edward then said.

“I do not love him/her!!” they then shouted at him and pointed at each other.

“Ok, enough of this conversation before they both explode.” Norman then said, which ended the conversation immediately.

“Max who are they?” Catty then asked Max while pointing to Brock and Ash.

“Oh, that’s Brock, and that’s Ash,” Max said while pointing to them one at a time.

“Oh, hi!” Catty then said to Ash and Brock.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you,” Brock said to Catty.

“Hello, I’m Ash and this is Pikachu who are you?” Ash then asked her.

“I’m Catty and thins is my little sister Lizzie,” she then said to him.

“Pi, Pikachu!” Pikachu then said to them.

“Your, Pikachu is cute Ash!” Lizzie then said to him.

“Chu, Pika Pikachu,” Pikachu said in agreement. Pikachu then jumped off of Ash’s shoulder and jumped on to Lizzie’s. Lizzie giggled and gave Pikachu a hug. “Pika” Pikachu squeaked in delight.

“Hey, May do you have any pokemon?” Catty then asked her eagerly.

“Yeah, Why?” May then asked her back.

“Can I see them?” Catty then asked May, her eyes shinning.

“Ok,” May said, “Come on out!” She then tossed four pokeballs into the air revealing a Combusken, a Beautifly, a Bulbasaur, and a Skitty.

“Oh, wow May, your pokemon are really cool!” Catty exclaimed admireing all of them.

“Do you two have pokemon?” Lizzie then asked Ash and Brock.

Well, what did you think?
 
H

Hilary

Guest
Well,it sounds just like the one that lil_may wrote The love between two
Don't u think

Ohh and it was okay
 

Saya

Member for 15 years
Its pretty good!
Well the originality is fine and so is our length. I noticed some spelling errors (bak=back, thins=things) but nothing major. You had a few grammer and punctuation errors too but again, nothing major.

The one thing I noticed was that you lacked description. you had little to none. Describe what people look like, what they feel, think, see, hear, smell etc. Also the way May and Ash got into a fight wasn't really realistic. I think it would take more than that to get Ash and May going at each other. I also thought it was kinda funny though. lol.

Other than the lack of description it was pretty good.

Keep up the good writing!

~Saya~
P.S- I'm not an advanceshipper really. I support AAML, though, I don't think Ash really goes well with anyone. XD
 
D

DeciousSennenal

Guest
Like Saya, I am not an Advanceshipper, but a Pokeshipper. Still this story has potential. The length is very good, and the dialogue seems pretty true to the series. I have to agree with Saya about the serious lack of description, what do Lizzie and Catty look like, etc.

Another point that occurred to me, why isn't Brock flirting with the two sisters? He always seems to with any girl on the episode (with the exceptions of Rocket members and fellow gym leaders)

I'll try to keep reading,
Decious
 
E

Ember

Guest
The Love Between Two? Trust me, it's not going to be anything like that AAMayL. It might sound like it a little in the begining, I thought so myself, but it's going in a different direction. Ok? I hope that cleared everything up. And just to let you know, I don't copy people's storys and ideas! That would be stealing and plagerizing, I don't do that! It's going to be a completely different story than The Love Between Two. Trust me, ok? Oh and Lily Pichu, I'll add more description, and to answer your question, Brock isn't flirting with them because Catty is about nine years old and Lizzie is about seven.
 
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S

Scourge

Guest
Pretty good start but, I was hoping to see love between Ash and May. Like blushing, staring or something. But I still liked it. I'll look foward to next chap.
 
B

babowonsuni

Guest
nice start. have no reviewed in a while. little confused when people talk to each other.
 
T

TheEspeonKing

Guest
Me likee. To bad you're to late for my contest, or are you?*remembers he hasn't posted it yet*
 
H

Hilary

Guest
I agree with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG I was expecting to see more blushing,staring and things like that,but to tell you the truth i liked it.
I think I should write an AAMayL
 

Breezy

Well-Known Member
Okay . . .

Well honestly, I knew I had to come to this fic when I saw the word "Return" and "Petalburg" spelt wrong in your title. ^_^;

To kick things off, let's start with the grammar/spelling department.

“Oh, I’m so exited, we’re finally going to get to see our parents again!” said an over joyous May to her friends one sunny afternoon.
Alright, she's exited! ^_^ Though, I do think you mean "excited" ja? There were also a few typos here and there as well that a close proofread should catch.

“And I can’t wait to get my fifth badge to,” said Ash, sounding like he’s a ready to go and win.”
The "to" in that should be "too" as in, "He too went to the beach," (random sentence, I know =P). There's also a random quotation mark at the end of this sentence so you might want to get rid of that. Also, you might want to get rid of the "a" so it'd be:

said Ash, sounding like he’s ready to go and win

Very lacking in the description department. Who are exactly Catty, Lizzie, Uncle Edward and Aunt Lily anyways? We can't see inside your head and know what theyse characters look like so you've got to explain it to u k? Also, describe the surroundings a bit too so we know the characters aren't just floating in a random town called Petalburg. Even though most of us have played the game and see the animé, we still need to know even if its not that throughly described.

Character development/personality . . . tis good I suppose, you stuck pretty true to the characters although I believe that the reactions between Ash and May could of been better.

Odd place to end a chapter too. =/ Its just leaves you hanging somewhat even though its not an *actual* cliffhanger.

So um yeah. ^_^; Keep working at it and you'll have a pretty good fic.

LaTeR dAyZ!
 

Minako

オタク
This story has potential. But just like Breezy, I knew I had to come here when I saw "Reaturn to Pettleburg" ^^;

Anyway, I like AAMayL fics, but I also like them to be perfect, even if I can't do that with my own XD
I'll start the review with some corrections to help 'ya out. ^_^
may2 said:
Chapter1- Arrival in Pettleburg

“Oh, I’m so exited, we’re finally going to get to see our parents again!” said an over joyous May to her friends one sunny afternoon.

Mmm, this could be better. Maybe this will help you:

Rewritten said:
Chapter 1 - "Arrival in Petalburg"

"Oh, I'm so excited! We're finally going to see our parents again!" said a very joyful May to her friends one sunny afternoon.

I kept most of the dialouge in-tact, but you can see what I fixed. "Over joyous" is pretty strange grammer, so that's not good. Also, "going to get to see" is making May's chating a little akward, so I got rid of the "get."

may2 said:
“Yeah, and plus we’re going to get to see Aunt Lily and Uncle Edward and Catty and Lizzie to,” Max said grinning at her.

“And I can’t wait to get my fifth badge to,” said Ash, sounding like he’s a ready to go and win.”

“Well, we’ll have plenty of time for that, but first lets just worry about getting there first.” Brook said laughing at his friends confidence in himself.

Well, this has alot of grammatical errors, so let me just tweak this for a bit:

Rewritten said:
"Yeah, and plus, we're gonna get to see Aunt Lily, and Uncle Edward, Catty, and Lizzy, too," grinned Max to his older sister.

"And I can't wait to get my fifth badge," said Ash, sounding as if he was ready to win already.

"We'll have plenty of time for that later, but first, let's just worry about getting there," Brock said, laughing at his young friends.

There were alot more grammer errors to be fixed, so I'll leave that to you.
Dispite the length, I liked it and I think you shoud continue the work hard to make an exellent fic. ^_^

~Ai,
Mina.
 
E

Ember

Guest
Yeah, I know I spelt it wrong, I noticed that after I posted it, sorry!
 
T

The Trainer

Guest
" “Me like him/her? No way!” they both then shouted at each other and faced in the opposite direction and crossed their arms."

Two things there:

1: I don't think you should use him/her. Instead, it's better to use,

"Me like him? No way!"

"Me like her? No way!"

and then proceed with the rest of it.(I think it's wrong to use him/her, and I've had several problems with him/her; remember, I said I THINK)

2: I think the shout at each other, cross their arms, and turn in the opposite direction, is cliche. Just me though.

Also, to help with your spelling and grammar, type your next chapter on Word, or anything with spellcheck.

Last thing(You don't have to read this one, may2), I have a problem with someone posting this:

"There were alot more grammer errors to be fixed, so I'll leave that to you.
Dispite the length, I liked it and I think you shoud continue the work hard to make an exellent fic"

Why? Because the person posting this was correcting may2's grammar and spelling mistakes. In the process, they mispelled:

1: grammar
2: despite

No offense meant, but I find it ironic that somebody trying to correct someone's spelling makes a spelling mistake(My opinion; send it through one ear and out the other.)
 

azngirlLH

Battle Pyramid Champion
A pretty good fanfic. Don't feel down, we all got something to work on, which means you aren't bad ^_^.

I've noticed you use "then" alot. Ex.:
“Ah, its so nice to see young love these days,” Edward then said.

“I do not love him/her!!” they then shouted at him and pointed at each other.

“Ok, enough of this conversation before they both explode.” Norman then said, which ended the conversation immediately.

“Max who are they?” Catty then asked Max while pointing to Brock and Ash.

“Oh, that’s Brock, and that’s Ash,” Max said while pointing to them one at a time.

“Oh, hi!” Catty then said to Ash and Brock.
 
E

Ember

Guest
^^; I know I use then a lot, I guess it's just a habbit, I'll try and substitute it for different words!
 
A

AshLord

Guest
WOHO! You made another AAMayL story! It's hard to find them. So it's very good.
 
E

Ember

Guest
Thanks AshLord! The next chap should be up by Saturday or Sunday, I only have two pages done.
 
G

gonbemaster

Guest
Wow it's really good but at first you spelled Brock as Brook. Even so it was very good.
 
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