Red and the elite four battle to become the Champion of kanto and johto

[Gym Leader Jasmine]

Hi this is my first chapter and i hope you like it

Red and the elite four challenge To become Champon
Red starts out by giving his badges to nurse joy to verify he got them.He won his last gym battle by a hair and it came close to it but he won. Now he is at the elite four indigo plato and with his pokemon he could'ent lose He was confident he had his six pokemon meganium typhlosion feraligatr scizor and jolteon tauros with him he had his other pokemon snorlax, dragonite, espeon, raikou, entei, and suicune with his other pokemon he had at oaks so they can rest. Just then nurse joy said thank you and you can go through to the elite four good luck she said as red was walking to the entrance to the elite four he walk to the door and push them open. He walked in to a cold room with ice he walked to the battled field.
Then he saw a woman it was lorelei of the elite four just then she thew first out a poke ball and said let begin her first pokemon was a dewgong. red decided to use meganium first he thought it was a good idea to us a grass type against water type. Dewgong used ice beam but meganium got away from the attack so red used razor leaf which red command and hit dewgong straight already on and ko dewgong. Red said to meganium that he did a good job red decided to use meganium for the rest of the match because he already had a plan/strategy to win. Red said to bring on the next pokemon and then lorelei said cloyster go which than meganium used razor leaf to ko her pokemon after a while she lost and then said to go to the next room. After beating bruno and agatha which agatha was little hard too. Last was lance which was hard but he won and beat lances dragon pokemon by a hair. But who was next as he open the last door to meet the final challenge the champion of the elite four it was none other than blue. To be contuined???
next time red VR blue who will win The battle to become the Champion of kanto johto! heated battle!
Hope you like the fanfic i made i will try to post more of the last episode with red and blue untill next time see ya!

 

[Astinus]

So you live in Connecticut too? Well, hello!

Um...might I suggest a proof-reader? This has so many problems and four in the morning isn't the best time to discuss things in detail.

Ah. detail. You need a lot. Description and dialog would be awesome.

But the best place to start? Paragraphs, and those little things that make up paragraphs: sentences. All you need is a noun and a verb. Plums defy!

Might I ask why Red has the three Legendary Beasts at Oak's? (Oooo... Note the capitalization.) It just makes it seem really obvious that red is going to win. You say that it is impossible that he is going to lose. So what's the point of us reading if we can predict the plot, which seems really simple. Undescribed battle after undescribed battle.

Wait. Just re-read it. You didn't even have all the Elite battle. Just two of Lorelei's Pokémon were showcased. The other's were just briefly mentioned. That makes me sad. ;-;

Work on your grammar, please. And make a more engaging plot, thank you.

 

[crystal-zephyr]

It's not that good i must say. You need people actually speaking and for the battles to be more decriptive. Also having the legendary dogs is a little to far. You make your character sound to uber.
It's to much time going into so little of space. Maybe we don't know Bruno Agatha or Lances pokemon you need to state the other pokemon. Sorry if this is being a bit to harsh but that's just my opinion

 

[Gym Leader Jasmine]

Ok but i wanted him to have the legendary dogs that he leaves at oaks and used them when he needs to just like his other pokemon he had a full team of pokemon and he caught traveling. I did'ent want to go-into detail with the elite four i just wanted to go with blue and his big battle in when he battling red. So i will put up the last chapter red VR blue today.

 

[Flames Galore]

NO. WAY. This is one of the worst stories I have ever read, and will be locked very soon because all chapters must be at least one page long in a word processing program (or close to it). Anyway, you have no sense of grammar, spelling, or punctuation, and most of your story is one long run-on sentance. You rushed through the story, and in just 7 lines (from the start of seeing Loreli) red had defeated 4/5ths of the elite four, supposedly the strongest trainers in all of kanto. There is no description for anyrhing, you could've typed this into the quick reply box in two seconds, and no dialogue. For all we know, everyone but Loreli is a rattata, as she is the only one you called "a woman." Your sentances don't make sense:

After beating bruno and agatha which agatha was little hard too

What?

Your plot is bland and unoriginal, you gave red an uber team, and you need to read advice for aspiring authors (sticky thread badly). Read The Quest for the Legends by Dragonfree or The Legendarian Chronicles by Chibi Pika and you will understand the difference between a goor or great fic, and yours. I'm not saying that you are a hopelessly bad author, you can improve, bit this story is hopelessly bad.

 

[Gym Leader Jasmine]

excuses me but no one ask for your opinion on how my fan fic was if you dont have any thing to say than dont post any thing I post great fanfic i right them well i dont need help from you or sticky you need help. So dont post any thing saying my fanfic suck because flame galore i dont say your fanfic is bad so use tack it does ent need your bad opinion flameing me saying it bad dont post than flame me!

 

[IceKing]

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excuses me but no one ask for your opinion on how my fan fic was if you dont have any thing to say than dont post any thing I post great fanfic i right them well i dont need help from you or sticky you need help. So dont post any thing saying my fanfic suck because flame galore i dont say your fanfic is bad so use tack it does ent need your bad opinion flameing me saying it bad dont post than flame me!

No buddy. You don't write well, and your fic is quite crappy (which is a severe understatement).


If you are "so great" then don't post your fic here because it is too good for our pathetic eyes. If you can't take critisism, then don't post your stories (if they even qualify as that...), and go make out with your perfect reflection =) Part of Serebii's Fanfiction Forum is the feedback, and people here do not take too kindly to crap being posted. I couldn't comprehend the last sentence since it appears to be in some Alien language, so I have no comment on that. And people won't flame you if you don't waste up space on the forum with your rule-breaking stories that you're not going to even try and make up-to-scratch.

So in short, we don't care if you think its good; it breaks the rules and if your'e not going to try and improve, this thread will be closed. Did you expect us all to tell you that you are a God at writing and we want you to have our babies?


Have a nice day ^^

 

[Tale]

...WHAT THE ****????

No one asked for his opinion?? Ok then, try stating that nobody can review your fanfic, therefore rendering it unread, disliked, and beyond help - because when you post on a FANFIC forum, you kind of get reviews. Most newbies get no reviews, and upon ONE critisism, you go mental because you think your fic is so hihg and mighty.

Well, to be quite blunt, it isnt. In fact, its awful. If you're not going to put the effort in to read and comprehend the stickies, or read other peoples work to get a good feel of what writing a fanfic is really like, then you'll go nowhere.

This fic WILL be closed, unless you make a dramatic improve. That is if the mods decide to give you a second chace in the first place.

Thing is, you said you wanted to get to the 'good part' as it were, so therefore rushed the battles - this does you no faovurs. You completely skipped the WHOLE adventure, why not skip the fricken battles before the final one in the INdigo Platue? Why not just make this fic a onje-shot, a battle between Red and Blue, because it would probably be a whole lot better.

Put the effort in, and except critisim, and you wont be as disliked as you are right now. Say goodbye to your fic, or improve, and take in what is said to you and put in some EFFORT.

 

[Gym Leader Jasmine]

I am not saying my fic is good it is my first time making a fanfic do you have to Citisim me it is my first time i work hard. You could use adequate and class instead of flaming me it not that good so what can i do better for you instead of saying its awful like a barbarian. I am not high and mighty but people on this form can use constructive criticism and sure high mighty to me . I wanted to rush the battle little bit but if you want to i can change that ok for you? If you can do better than do it if you want me to change it than i will i will try use spell check and other thing but being polite and kind is also in common. but there are none on this board so all i am asking is to be kind and how can i change the story for you to help?

 

[Tale]

Thing is, I and I'm sure Iceking would reply and review constructively if it wasn't for your reply to Flames Galore. He critisises your fic, and you lash out saying that you dont need help from him or the stickies.

Constructive critisism from me:
- You do need help from thestickies in the fanfic forum. Just read them, its not hard. I'm pretty sure that most people in these forums have, and I can assure you, you need to read them.

-If you want to rush any part of your fic, then dont write it, just get straight to the part you want to write. Nobody wants to read a fic thats rushed. You could have just made this a single-chaptered one-shot about the battle between red and blue, but instead you put in a short chapter where you just rushed through the battles. It seriously depeletes the interest of the reader.

- Read other people's fics. Every newbie does, it familiarises them with fanfic rules and the way in which they're written. It boosts your own writing capability, and if you review every fic you read, then your popularity will take an increase as well.

- Take in everything that is said to you, constructive or not. Its easy to tell who knows what they're talking aboutand whos not. If someone is talking aload of crap, and says something like 'you're fic is crap, you're a disgrace to the fanfic forum unles you colour it all red' then I can assure you that decent reviewers will notify you. Take in the critisism willingly, and change all that is said, then reviewers are thankful that you've paid attention to them and often repay you with another review, or defend you against a flamer, or some other heroic thing. But the way you acted towards Flames Galore can only earn you enemies.


Thats my advice, and constructive critisism. I havent said much about the fic itself, mainly because you need to sort these things out before you improve your fic.

 

[Rodian]

Not too bad for a first try ... I've seen worse. It could use longer battle scenes or chapters. I tend to dedicate at least a chapter to a battle in my fanfiction (not that I've got that far. XD) Anyway. Try and explain a lot more about the characters. (Example: Red looked at Agatha, he guessed she might be old because she had a lot of wrinkles on her face, and also walked with crouched back, supporting herself on a walking-stick.)

 

[Dragonfree]

They're right...

I'm going to deem this fic to have too poor spelling/grammar/punctuation to be properly readable, so I'm closing it. Sorry, but by all means do read the stickies, especially the one called "Fanfiction Rules", and try to make your fic a bit longer.