Hey Saffire, after you made my banner, I decided to come and have a look at your story. I read it twice, resorting to just skimming over it, because it seemed so hard to immerse myself in it. It's not easy reading, it's not an airport novel...you know those things...I've forgotten the metaphor, but yeah. Today, I read it again, and sunk into it comfortably. I inalyl understood what was going on, and I love it. I love the dark, (I'm gonna steal that other guys word) macabre sense you're bringing to the whole thing, and the snese of mystery. The story hasn't even really started yet, so I'll be interested to see how the plot shapes up.
I'll just go through and quote things I liked, and some things which I thought made it a little difficult to read the first time through. I commend you and revere you, simply because I noticed, as I was reading the prologue, that it was last edited earlier today. That's amazing, very professional, nothing like anything I could do. Fr that reason, I was going to go through and point out some spellign mistakes I found, but I was skimming to get the quotes (again) and I couldn't find them. They are there, somewhere....
Anyway, yeah, I'll just go thrugh the whole thign and comment on each piece of writing I'd like to comment on- as opposed to splitting all my comments into nice and nasty things, I'll go through everything in chronological order- I always find it easier when reviewers do it like that. I've probably noticed lots more bad things than good things, but that's because they're easier to find when you're skimming- and the fact that i have given you such a good review is proof that I loved it, if I didnt love every sentence of it. Right, here it is then...
Thunder rumbled ominously across the midnight sky, while chilling rain pelted the earth below, mixing with the soggy dirt and grass. The wind was a violent maelstrom of activity, swirling and buffeting all the unfortunates that had chosen to weather out the storm, outside and unprotected. The sky above was clouded, darkened with a thousand shades of black. The stars and moon were all but gone, swallowed entirely by the dark, malicious clouds that now blanketed the sky above the city. They were greedy, swallowing everything that came into their path, blanketing the world below in darkness.
First paragraph- it's wonderful. Really descriptive, very evocative. I can tell you went to a lot of effort to make this paragraph so beautiful. However, the first two times I read it, it turned me off the whole story immediatly. I think the biggest problem you have as a writer is that you tend to use too many adjectives, and the reader gets bogged down in imagining it all at once. An example of this is when you say things like "dark, malicious clouds" where you could just choose one, and say "malicious clouds" instead. Simplifying text is a good way of making description more powerful to readers, bcause they pick it up wuicker. Don't make descriptions too difficult to imagine, they should be as easy as possible to conjure up in someones mind.
I loved "They were greedy" talking about the clouds, that was the best description in your entire story so far, really evocative, I understood what you meant straight away. However, you went on to explain it- "swallowing everythign that came into their path"..which was kind of already there, and didn't really need to be said- another way to simplify a description- and you had already used swallowing in the sentence before. Using the same word twice in short succession is the simplest way of destroying its meaning to the reader- once you've read swallowing already, it doesn't provoke such a strong image the second time. Get rid of one of them, and replace it with something that means the same thing.
The thunder’s voice seemed to echo that statement, voice laced with unprecedented malice. It was mocking them, especially mocking him.
I love personification usually, but "especially mocking him" doesn't make sense to me. Who's "him"? Is it the clouds? Is it castor, before you've introduced him? This is another example of overdescription- just keep it simple, don't make it too hard to understand.
For what?
A friend. A light in the darkness.
I love how Castor is askign himself questions- it makes a reader ask the same question. This is one bit that grabbed my attention when I first skimmed through- a light in the darkness, kind of corny, but also reminded me of Alexi's dream, so I can't really talk.
All of his attention had been devoted to that one task: finding her. It was a simple task that anyone should have been able to do. But he had failed . . . again.
I love the fact we don't know who "she" is. Grabbed my attention right away.
To think the things that occurred in the realm of imaginary could be so much more terrible than the things that existed realm of reality.
This is a lovely idea, and I can get what you're trying to say, but the wording makes it hard to understand, which isn't good. It seems liek the sentence isn't finished yet. Maybe just word it differently.
Even the dark could not protect him from the scene before him. Castor saw the blood, the twisted bodies, and most of all, the shadowed faces in all their hellish glory. He had seen this all before, but that did not take away the sting – the sting the pain, fear, and revulsion that he had been left to deal with from the first encounter.
Here's another example of over-description. "protect him from the scene before him" is kind of an overuse of "him", but "the sting(add a comma here), the pain, (the?)fear and revulsion that he had been left to deal with from the first encounter.- is too complicated. Sting, fear and pain are all good words, but are overused and so lose their effect. revulsion is great- but they're dead bodies, maybe a bit more emphasis on the revulsion would be better. Emphasis is somethign you tend to lose track of too- make sure you know exactly what picture you want your readers to have in their head after they're read something, so that they're left with powerful words that make an impact, and understand what's going on. That happened in the beginning part where Absol was on a rooftop as well- it took me a while to realise Absol was on a roftop, I had to keep reminding myself of it. Maybe that's because you forget yourself, when you're writing.
points as sharp as a Scyther’s blades,
I love your pokemon anthropomorphism- only person I know to be able to pull it off and not seem corny, this description was so effective. Pokemon anthropomorphism is a long word...pokopomorphism is better. I'll say that from now on.
He threw his spirit body aside, tearing himself away from the fibers that bound him to this alternate reality.
Here's another bit where I got confused. A bit more emphasis on the "comign back to reality" part and less emphasis on the spirit body and the fibers- maybe don't use spirit body. it's really clever, but it confuses people. use mind, or something lik that instead, it'd make it easier to understand.
The darkness that pervaded the cave was like a voluminous ebony cloak, thick and suffocating, chasing away any light that dared to try to shine through.
More overdescription. You just don't need to use two adjectives to describe things all the time- "volumnious, ebony cloak"- either of those adjectives is great, but both kidn of takes away from the overall description, and just makes the sentence look more intelligent and wordy, rather than being more evocative. I think more 'as...as a...' descriptions would be good too- at the moment youre using lots of 'like a...' and 'was a...'- similies and metaphors, yeah, i know what they're called, I just forgot.
The pathway was beginning to spiral downwards, a chill wind blowing from some unseen crack in the cavern’s walls.
This is the first time you mention that the cave is in a spiral, and is heading downwards. That's really not clear enough in my mind for the next bit, which really relies on readers having a clear vision of a spiral cave which you could fall into, I only got that the third time I read it- another emphasis thing.
His stability and sense of balance broken, Castor was only quick enough to avoid a lethal blow to the neck, the vice-like jaws instead snapping over his right forepaw with a hard, sickening crunch.
This whole action sequence is kind of unclear and uses way too much description to be followed with as much excitement as you need to carry it off. especially in action scenes, strip the description down to a bare minimum, so that readers can follow everything, and it can all seem to happen very quickly. Also, try to avoid these Matrix/Jackie Chan-style action sequences, because they require too much description to be carried off in writing (they're only good on screen, when you can see everything that happens, and know exactly what it is right away).
The great brown jaws spat out a great clump of white fur
I loved this bit. Just so....evocative. See how such small, simple words create such a vivd image? Really, really impressive stuff, this. Oh- cept you used 'great' once too many times. Just replace it with a different word.
It was a feminine voice, as sweet and pure as honey. A sweet fragrance reminiscent of wildflowers seemed to fill the air at the Mawile’s words as she twirled around, her second jaw making a clip clip noise.
"As sweet and as pure as honey" is way overused, but it still worked. Maybe cut one of the adjective out- I wonder fi you really did think of the voice as pure, or were just running with the cliche. What else is honey, which relates to this voice? I think honey is a great way of describing it- the voice is sickly, golden, dripping, deep, sticky...etcetera, etcetera. It just makes description so much more effective if you always think of an unusual way to describe something. Also, "wildflowers" seemed unnecessary and very corny. Just "flowers" would suffice- what difference does it make here that they're wildflowers? maybe even wild flwoers would be better than wildflowers. It's just so corny.
The Mawile noticed the Absol’s perplexed expression. Her grin became wider. Her angelic appearance was beginning to look far more sinister. “Dead.”
“No!” Castor’s posture became rigid, jolting him out of his growing reverie.
More corn (corny corn). it's so hard to have a dramatic scene without resorting to cliches, but surely, a talented creative writer liek you could think of somethign better than "No!"
On the other hand, I loved Mawile's "dead." That worked perfectly, because of the way you led up to it.
There was no sign of pursuit on the Mawile's part, her ruby eyes shifting down in what either could be curiosity or amusement. However, Castor knew it was only a matter of time before the Mawile got frustrated and attempted to catch up with him.
The Mawile was using Iron Defense again, her laughter bouncing off the abyss’s walls. Despite the added weight, she appeared to be no closer to Castor then what she had been before. The Mawile appeared to have noticed this, shouting angrily: “Dead, dead, dead!”
The end bit just got a little confusing, because I kept having to remind myself that the pokemon were falling down an abyss- you really need to emphasise that, that everythign is moving really quickly. Shorten sentences, cut down on description- the action is happening really fast here. Although it's a long way to fall, the amount of action you had while they were fallign gave the sense that they were falling down the rabbit-hole from Alexi in Wonderland, and I half expected them to float past cupboards full of teacups and grandfather clocks.
I found much less to comment on about the first chapter- probably because there was less in it than the first, which isn't a bad thing. Nice description, I have an idea about what this Absol clan is like now. I didn't like your title, because ti was misleading- an Overture of a show is an introduction, but it's usually the bit at the start where they play a little bit of every song from the whole show, so it usually goes for ages. Your chapter wasn't long enough to be justified as an overture, I felt- there must be another musical term you could think of for the beginning of something.
recoiling away from each notion of recall like a Togepi from rotting flesh.
Another fantastic example of pokopomorphism.
It was a start; it was something. Something to distinguish himself from the rest.
Who's the himself you're referring to here? You did this kind of thign at the beginning of thel ast chapter, too- who's "he?"
“Go back to sleep, Castor,” Pollux continued, staring out the exit of their tiny den once more. “The moon hasn’t even risen yet.”
First you mention that it's still the middle of the night, unless I've missed something. s soon as you said castor woke up, I imagined him waking in the morning, so you need to speficy that it's night too- also, specify that they're in a cave/den thing- someow, I had the impression that they were on top of these rock things, maybe because of the way you described their home being "on top of a mountain". I don't know- this is just more emphasis stuff. Make sure the reader is imagining the same thing you're imagining- make all the right bits clear.
“Castor.”
“Yes?”
“You said you couldn't remember?”
“I did.”
“Do you want to remember?”
This last bit was gorgeous, except I wasn't sure at first what the "I did" was referring to. is it.."I did remember" or "I did say I couldn't remember."? I hate things like that...
Right, that's everything. Biggest review I've done in my life. It's a great story, just be wary, as all POV writers should, to always remember that your pokemon is a pokemon and not a human, and should think like a pokemon and not a human. I like your writing style, I liek where this is going, PM me when you write more- I hope my comments were helpful, I'm sorry I couldn't find that other spelling mistake.
Thanks again for my banner.
