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Requiem (PG-13)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Sidewinder, Mar 12, 2012.

  1. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    Another great round of byplay between them. You really clearly are comfortable writing them.

    Seems a little odd she'd focus on what the stone is made of as opposed to what's on it.

    I like that you're taking the story in this direction, though I do wish we had gotten to see a bit more of the exchange between Dorian and his uncle.

    That said, I'm enthusiastic for where this is going. It's quite exciting.

    I would hope for more than just a finder's fee if I was them. This is quite the discovery.

    That second reason is the only reason I'd need to know not to mail such an important treasure. The first one seems almost inconsequential; I'd almost think that going all the way out there with the treasure would look even worse if it was fake.

    Heh, sounds like even their uncle is a character. I'm loving the characters, all of them.

    Cute little lampshade of the situation here. I did think that the yelling was odd, so seeing it pointed out makes it much better.

    I can see a lot of good developing coming for the Pokemon. They have pretty distinct personalities.

    heh, cute. I like it.

    I wonder if this incident is going to be something we hear about later. I see the potential.

    Their interactions are so lovable. I just wish I didn't know that it can't last.

    Wait, they're going to walk all the way there? Seems like something they could just take transportation for.

    I wonder when we'll see that flake again. I'm sure we will.

    A very strong opening for his scene.

    I want to say here that I like how you structure your chapters, one Dorian/Shelton scene and one Alakzam guy scene. Gives a great balance of keeping tabs on all the major players while it goes at a good pace.

    [quote[“You won’t give me your name?” the curious clerk asked.

    “What?” the man questioned, his Alakazam giving him a sharp pinch to the side.

    “I asked for your name. You said you wanted to checkout?” the clerk asked again.

    “Sorry,” the man said, pulling out his Hoenn resident identification card. “Ethan. My name is Ethan.”[/quote]

    Huh, so he does have a name. I didn't expect to learn it so soon.

  2. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    Ah, a bit sudden to start the chapter in the middle of a battle that hadn't already begun. Not too big a deal, though, just a slight challenge to get into.

    Nice rhyme.

    Gorgeous description here. What's particularly exceptional is that you're giving the Pokemon very distinct personalities that are coming across with subtle wording in battles. That is truly not easy. The action is good, too.

    More great personalities. You're quite good at doing this.

    Interesting to point out that Shelton is concerned about her appearance and is making heavy use of cosmetics. It's nice to have little character moments like that.

    Interesting timing for the evolution. I wonder if it will affect their relationship.

    Huh, so Vibrava keeps the trait of liking stomach scratches. Interesting, sometimes things like that can change.

    Something gives me the feeling that the path to Flygon will not be easy and becoming Flygon won't be as great as they hope.

    I don't see this peace lasting long, sad to say.

    Dorian is about to make a serious mistake, I fear. His thinking is dangerously simplistic. He has Nuzleaf to deal with Rock-types, but this sounds too easily avoided.

    That's an interesting element to bring up, the need for regular renewal of trainer cards. I'm interested to see where you take it and what further information you present.

    Uh oh, here we go. Their paths cross.

    I wonder if Ethan taught Alakazam this strength or it was already capable of such things.

    I feel like Ethan's shiver is a curious little bit of character.

    Showing this same scene from Ethan's point of view is a brilliant decision, especially when you add the feeling he got from Dorian. This is an electrifying moment. It feels like a moment of escalation even though it's so simple, setting the stage for so much more to come.

    An appropriate reaction, too.

    I'm noticing Alakazam didn't read Ethan's mind, but instead Ethan sent Alakazam the picture using his mind. Interesting...

    Ahaha, perfect. I smiled.

    Referring to the trainer card? I like how you're using it. What could the PBA do to him, revoke his license? He obviously can't use that.

    I can't wait to find out what further the expiration of his trainer card will lead to.

    This feels weak, however, unless you changed the age most trainers get started for this.

    Ah yes, Shelton coming in with a classic line. I love her.

    I bet we see this kid again.

    It feels a little odd to explain the scene so late into it. Perhaps this should have been moved up to an earlier line, with relevant information to the later bit of the scene broken away and moved down.

    I can really tell a lot about every character in this scene, and I'm loving it.

    Ah, I almost forgot about the Pokeflect. Good to see it again.

    Do I see a bit of a gambling streak in Shelton?

    Did Dorian just screw this up? I bet he did...

    Great chapter. It really flew on the power of your characterization, which is absolutely excellent. There was some great action here too, so overall, just about everything came together perfectly.
  3. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    Wow, this fight is going in a much more intense way than I expected. I thought Dorian would beat this kid with Growlithe.

    I notice your description is steadily improving each chapter.

    Huh. I didn't expect it to end in a tie.

    I smiled. They've got some strong personalities.

    I can tell Shelton and Dorian really balance each other out. They need each other, and that's a good thing for their characterization.

    Uh oh, Dorian, you best not be too confident on those type matchups. You already learned that mistake once this chapter.

    Dorian should probably listen to that feeling...

    I like that you have the expired trainer cards as a recurring theme. I'm interested in that subject.

    Now, this is interesting. The thing is, I kind of wonder about how it matches up with how the situation was reported before. It sounded more peaceful than this. Did Dorian and Shelton not know what was really going on?

    I like the way you're depicting the Graveler society. It sort of reminds me of Planet of the Apes in a sense.

    And the notes about their plans and hunger for blood are ominous.

    I could see this conversation happening between two trainers as they walk. It feels very natural.

    Good description, especially with Vibrava. I could see a newly-evolved Pokemon that gained the ability of flight reacting to it in such a way.

    I wonder if this discussion will be relevant later.

    Did I mention that Shelton seems to have a bit of a gambling streak before? Because she does. I like that the character traits you write are being shown consistently.

    Interesting contrast, I would think Shelton would be the one to leave things to chance.

    Ah, more of their rather fiery relationship. I like characters who get along like this.

    Uh oh, here we go.

    If they only knew...

    '...did they just kill Machop?

    Oh ****, Golduck is in danger too? This got intense and it got intense fast.

    Nice touch remembering her eyeliner.

    Also nice that Nuzleaf and Vibrava are trying to help. It's good to see a mix of reactions.

    Whoa, this got... this got really intense. Shelton's clearly in bad shape, who knows what just happened to Dorian and the other Pokemon, and I really wonder what that shadow was, though I guess it's a Geodude or an attack from one of the Graveler.

    This feels like the chapter where things really ramped up. I can see several ways where this can go from here and they're all pretty exciting.
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2014
  4. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    Before I get started on this chapter, I want to mention that I have some ideas of where the plot might be going after last time.

    I have to say right off the bat that I notice a dramatic improvement in description looking at this. It's much clearer in what it's trying to convey than the earlier chapters were.

    Now that was a fantastic action piece. You deserve a lot of credit for pulling it off, it flows nicely and clearly.

    Whoa, I didn't expect that. I thought they might get away.

    My blood's really pumping so far. Hopefully Shelton's alright.

    I take it Shelton didn't use her Pokeflect because she was caught off guard?

    Also, I'm intrigued by how the Pokeflect works exactly. Hopefully it gets highlighted more.

    That's surprising for a Fire-type attack on a Rock-type. Growlithe must be strong.

    I'm surprised the Graveler isn't actually trying to kill him by crushing him. I wonder if there's something they want.

    I wonder how Shuppet can ever be defeated in battle if it can let attacks of types other than Normal-type through itself.

    Yeah, it wants something. This isn't good. Her injury sounds pretty nasty too...

    What does Shuppet have to do with this, I wonder...

    It sounds like they're threatening her in some way...

    Holy ****, I wasn't wrong. This is even more serious than I expected.

    I love how you're giving the Graveler such personality. It's a rare sight to see Pokemon like this.

    Oh wow, I expected Shuppet to do something. I wasn't anticipating Vibrava and Golduck at all.

    Golduck's a smart battler.

    Nitpick, but Golduck is a Pokemon that uses psychic powers, not a psychic Pokemon. That could probably be worded a bit more clearly.

    That's a different way to describe Hypnosis, certainly unlike anything I've seen before for it.

    This is really good, intense action. I'm loving it.

    I hope Nuzleaf is alright. At this point I'm almost wondering how it survived.

    That's quite a bit of personality from Growlithe, too. Your Pokemon are very personable.

    "Rapidly declining..." I have a feeling Machop might be the one to die, not Nuzleaf...

    I'm really liking how clearly the desperation of this fight is coming across. I can feel their hopelessness.

    Oh no, this is going very wrong...

    Fifty? That's even worse than I thought it would be.

    Did they just... are you using "explode" figuratively or did Golduck just bite it?

    That was a different kind of chapter than the first five, much more action oriented. But, I can't complain. I'm honestly quite surprised at how well you wrote the raw intensity of this action, and it was done so well that I could place myself right there and visualize itself clearly. Another strong aspect is that you pulled no punches. This is a desperate, brutal situation and you did not shy away from that. It's admirable.
  5. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Hello Requiem fans!

    I really want to apologize to everyone for my long absence, and for taking so long to reply to all of my wonderful reviews. All of you deserve responses to your questions and comments and I promise that you will be getting them soon. Almost right when I posted the final chapter I started a new job and the training period has basically been sixty hours a week for the last month and a half. Now that my training period is over though, I have a much lighter schedule! So not only will I have time (hopefully this Saturday and Sunday) to respond to the reviews I've gotten, but Ill also be able to focus more on writing Shatterpoint!

    So once again, sorry for the long wait between replies, and thank you so much for all of your input. It means the world to me
  6. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    Finally getting back to the reviews.

    Good description to open up on. It sets the urgency of the scene well.

    Huh, so Golduck didn't literally explode?

    An appropriate way to follow the aftermath of such a brutal battle.

    Rough. I think this is a telling moment about how Dorian handles stress. Hopefully he's better later...

    Oh that doesn't sound good...

    Well, at least he acknowledges he messed up with how he's treated Growlithe.

    I like his imaginative use of the medicine.

    How did he diagnose Machop so easily, or is he just guessing?

    Also, I found it initially hard to understand what Shelton was talking about. I thought she meant the Graveler.

    Dorian's surprisingly calm here.

    Oh ****, he did literally explode... that caught me off guard. I was actually beginning to feel comfortable again.

    I have to give you credit, few authors would have the courage to kill a main character's Pokemon. Not to mention you did it early on, and it was written well enough to avoid needless edginess. I'm impressed.

    Dorian feels a little too calm about this, perhaps unrealistically so. Is there reasoning for this in his character or history, perhaps?

    That said, I find Shelton's reaction very clear and believable. She sounds like someone who has just gone through the kind of danger she did.

    I think this really is a very, very important scene. We've seen conflict between Dorian and Shelton already, but never like this. This is raw emotion, like an emotional scab torn off a terrible wound. And I like it. This is the kind of emotion more fics need, and you wrote the spiraling thoughts Shelton is experiencing in a fantastic way.

    And you really get a feel for Dorian's concern for Shelton, too.

    Wait, not one of the mysterious stones from the prophecy? I had been hoping they were back now. Golduck's mental essence in the stones is an interesting idea though, and raises some clever ideas it could take.

    That's certainly a grim bit of description. Grim, but necessarily so, and very clear.

    Wait, is Golduck alive or not? But then again the mystery does seem to be deliberate.

    Wow, that's gruesome. You certainly don't pull any punches.

    Wow, I didn't expect Machop to be the one in mortal danger, I thought it would only be Golduck.

    This is very realistic for two people dealing with a traumatic event. I'm very impressed you managed to capture this, actually, that's how realistically you got it.

    And now we flip from aggressiveness to tenderness, and I continue to be in awe of how well you capture the emotions. Here it's the bond between Shelton and Machop,

    Holy ****, if I was going to shed a tear at any point in this chapter, it would be now. This hurts. A lot. In a good way, of course, because you're playing my heartstrings like a pro.

    I know I keep saying it, but damn do you know how to do intense emotions.

    Whoa, I did not expect that. That is how to do a "power of friendship" evolution. Excellent description of his physical changes too.

    A good choice of words for Dorian here.

    I feel like that note about prayer is important. Is Shelton religious, or does she pray when she needs only, perhaps?

    The support shown between Dorian, Shelton and Growlithe here is a wonderful way to end such a bleak chapter.

    I hope this isn't too much, but this really was a beautiful chapter. I owe that to your expertise in writing emotion, without which this chapter could never have been as good. Sure, there was less action than in other chapters, but you made up for it many times over when it comes to emotional content. I'm not disappointed in the least, I think this was excellent.
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2014
  7. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    It's about time for Ethan to return, so giving him center stage for this chapter? Excellent choice.

    Now this is an interesting angle to play. I didn't think Alakazam would have tired of the search, which is something that can be used to develop some interesting interactions between them later. On Ethan's part, I wonder what he's tired about exactly.

    "Unfulfilled" is a curious word to use. It raises questions about their mindsets and approaches to Ethan's quest that I'm definitely into seeing answered.

    You can really tell that Ethan's doing this automatically, as if he is being forced even. It's certainly not the stereotypical motive for a quest, I'd say from what I've seen so far.

    I wonder to myself what would have happened had someone else somehow found the flake before him, on a random note.

    At this point it feels like the shards might be sustaining Ethan's life more than his blood, if you ask me.

    I don't think Ethan really believes his own words. Or is he even capable of saying things the shards don't want him to at this point?

    I'm assuming Ethan can actually understand Alakazam's speech.

    Wow, I never would have thought the split would come this soon. And with the willingness you've shown to shed blood, I can't predict where it'll go. That's exactly how it should be.

    Now this is truly fascinating. I may be wrong, but this is how I analyze this scene: you see Alakazam concerned for Ethan's safety, but with the way Ethan treats Alakazam in return it comes off as an abusive relationship in which Alakazam tries to object and Ethan forces his emotional hand until he relents. Another element of this is that they definitely seem to have cared genuinely about each other in the past, which gives the reader an implication of what the intervening years were like.

    See, that builds into what I said earlier. He clearly is not human anymore, in more ways than just having voices in his head.

    I have a few ideas as to what that "why" is, none of them are happy.

    Does he, though?

    Ooh, clever move, dropping hints to the incident while stopping just short of explaining it further. Stimulates the reader's imagination while dropping some tantalizing little clues of what will come later.

    Wait, the flake was different from the shard? This part confuses me a bit.

    Another manifestation of his powers, I see.

    Perhaps they're connected to the shards?

    Also, interesting note about "bottom rung people." I hadn't thought about Ethan's attitudes regarding social class.

    Couldn't Alakazam just levitate over the pieces?

    Whoa, what is this? Is he talking to the voices?

    I bet this is a location important to what's going on with the shards.

    I was right, the voices.

    That's creepy, the way they interact. Use of words like "soothing," "comfort," "showering [him] with love," "drinking in their essence" and the note about their breath on his neck creates a disturbingly intimate visual.

    Lovely metaphor about the way they sound.

    The people from the house? Regardless of who they mean, this is menacing.

    Uh oh, meeting with Dorian and Shelton incoming. Bad news.

    Terrifying. This does not disappoint at all.

    Very good job capturing Ethan's addiction to the escape these visions provide him.

    Also, the "save us" line is again terrifying.

    Yeah, there are definite overtones of abuse from Ethan to Alakazam.

    You really do a fantastic job capturing the sense of entitlement Ethan has while also showing how he is emotionally disconnected from his actual behavior. It's like he's barely even in control of himself, instead, he's along for the ride while someone else controls him.

    I bet the presence of more Pokemon makes things more difficult for Alakazam.

    Regardless, Rapidash and Scyther must not have been with him for long if they hadn't ever seen his fierceness.

    This is the kind of interaction I was hoping for, and their personalities are very vivid, but shouldn't Scyther have seen Ethan's fierceness if they'd been together for years?

    I can only think of why Scyther needs to know that picture...

    Both Ethan and Scyther are terrifying, enjoyably so.

    I like that he has alternate methods of transportation.

    Well then, that was amazing. An Ethan-centric chapter did not disappoint, at all. I already liked him but now he has a terrifying, prominent presence in my mind. I will not soon forget him.
  8. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    Training right immediately was a little tricky for me to open on, but I settled in fairly quickly, and once you set the scene and explained what happened in the intervening time I got it.

    Wow. If you go through with this, it's already a rare feat to see someone tackle Pokemon death like this, but you made sure to write Golduck's injuries well too. I'm impressed.

    Again, I found the sudden jump to training a little hard to get used to. The training is written well, and I do see how you're using it to frame Dorian's flashbacks. It is a good storytelling technique, I just needed to get used to it.

    And now we add a good dose of cuteness. I like this; you can clearly tell how much they really rely on each other to get through hard times.

    Wow, Nuzleaf goes hard.

    And here you brought the reasoning for the training fully around, so the scene feels much better paced. Well done.

    Shelton not calling makes me nervous for Golduck...

    That Psyduck is a particularly poignant, subtle emotional bit.

    I like the little bits of personality Nuzleaf gets here, they made me smile.

    This heart-to-heart here is really important too. By simple word count it seems minor, but you got it to convey very well the bond between not only Shelton and Dorian but their Pokemon as well. They really do feel like a family.

    “Same here,” Shelton assured him. “I’ll be honest Dorian, I can’t think straight. If they don’t come back ou-“

    My heart actually stopped for a minute. You fantastically built up the fear that Golduck really could have died.

    I have to point out that the fact that I could truly not predict whether Golduck would live or die is a testament to how well you wrote this. A lot of times, drama is present but the outcome can be predicted. That was not the case here; I was fully convinced Golduck was going to die.

    Ah, that's certainly an improvement, that they can see Golduck. I wonder what the doctors had to do though...

    Nice, vivid description in this part. I can see it well.

    The once bright sapphire duck’s feathers were now a muted shade of blue, signaling the stress that it had exposed to. Portions of his body had lost feathers entirely, resulting in bare patches where soft pink skin was visible. Another part of him that was obviously out of the ordinary was a small metal spike that protruded from the center of his forehead. As Shelton drew closer, she saw that the spike was centered in the middle of a piece of glass that replaced the ruby he had previously had. Shelton’s eyes moved across Golduck’s body, stopping on the portion that had changed the most significantly.

    “N-no, no,” Shelton whispered.

    I had suspected an amputation would take place.

    Wow, that was... that was tough. I can really feel the rawness of Shelton's emotions here. This is not easy for them.

    That... is a really intelligent explanation. You clearly thought that out well. Plus, it leaves the door open for this subject to be revisited later.


    I wonder if a prosthetic is in the cards for later, potentially.

    I can definitely see this coming back later to present a severe challenge for them. Golduck will surely be called on and need psychic moves again.

    Ooh, I have an idea of where this might be going with the gem, and I like it. I hope I'm right.

    I also find it interesting that you brought up the subject of health insurance for Pokemon. I wonder if we'll see more.

    That's realistic, for Shelton to act like this...

    I definitely, definitely think I can see where this is going, and I like it.

    That is a clever way to use a Heal Ball.

    Aspear Berries... I'm sure you wouldn't have pointed that out without a reason.

    I don't really have too much to say on this part except for two things: I still really like Dorian and Shelton's relationship, and you depicted it well having weathered this crisis. Two, I like that you incorporated the discharge forms. That creates more realism.

    Overall, a good chapter. I think I liked the Ethan chapter more, but this was still great. It provided a nice, comfortable breather after everything that just happened.
  9. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    Love their interactions, like always. The lack of much description about where they are/what they're discussing makes the chapter a slight bit difficult to get into, but the interactions help balance that out.

    It's interesting that they're this casual right now. Maybe it's because of everything they just went through being over? Regardless, it's good to see the main plot progressing again. It's been a while since Ronnie was mentioned.

    My opinion, but maybe this description should have come earlier in the scene. It probably would be more easy to read that way.

    Excellent juxtaposition of the optimism Ronnie's house brings with the menace of Scyther. I got a chill when Scyther showed up.

    Nice little touch there.

    Excellent description. It's a very vivid visual.

    Now that is intense. It's characterization like this that is already making Ethan into a standout antagonist in my head; this and the chapter he got did amazing work on that.

    A decidedly odd scene. I'm sure it's leading somewhere.

    I admit, I cracked a smile at Shelton drooling at this guy. A welcome bit of humor.

    I see Scyther's making moves already. A confrontation can't be far off.

    Well this is awkward.

    I admit, it does feel rather uncharacteristic of Shelton to be doing this.

    Well said, Dorian.

    I did smile slightly, though this feels a bit extraneous on the whole.

    I wonder if this is going to be relevant later.

    This isn't going to end well. It's probably going to force Ethan's hand.

    I get the feeling that no, Ronnie won't be seeing them in twenty minutes.

    Clever way to have Ethan keep his Pokemon under control.

    Nice description of the city. I like that you gave Ethan the trait of liking order; it feels like something that really suits him.

    His tactical thoughts are well calculated, and I liked Rapidash's reaction. It was cute.

    It actually took me some time to figure out what exactly Scyther had been up to. Now that you revealed it, it makes sense, plus I love how you gave Scyther this sort of personality. That's the kind of thing that really brings a story up, the attention to detail and creativity.

    Whoa. I probably shouldn't be surprised that Ethan would discipline his Pokemon like this, but I am.

    Whoa, again. Healing factors are always fascinating.

    Nice little quirk there for Alakazam.

    A chill just went down my spine. Feels like something big is about to happen.

    Hm, this is a fun little diversion, though I would definitely think of it as exactly that.

    Now that was funny. A creative way to address the bizarre clothing Machoke possesses, too.

    Uh oh, things are beginning to get started...

    Whoa, what's this now?

    I really like this. A lot of times captures are too obvious, so doing one that's a complete surprise is refreshing.

    Didn't expect a Spoink. That's a Pokemon you don't see often.

    ...I don't even know what to say here. This is obviously something I'm going to need to see the next chapter for.

    This one was good, it was quite exciting. I'll have to get to the next one soon.
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2014
  10. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Hello Everyone!

    I want to first say that I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to all these wonderful reviews. The reason for that is I just really needed a break. To relax, to read more, to do a new playthrough on Skyrim. Lots of stuff I'd been neglecting while writing Requiem. But now I'm charged back up and ready to start having my characters kick some *** again. Below I'll respond to some reviews, and anyone who would like to be alerted by PM to when Shatterpoint premieres this week, please shoot me a PM. Thank you all so very much

    Lol yup. Trying to get Dorian to think clearly and take things seriously is basically like trying to herd cats on acid

    Lol I'm sorry if I made it sound like the whole earth. I meant just about a forty square foot area around him

    LMAO dammit I love that you see stuff like that. Thanks!

    Lol you're probably right. Though I think dragging around an unconscious woman would cause slightly more concern than smelling like human excrement

    Yup :(

    I definitely feel like that's something Shelton is going to be dealing with in the sequel. I feel like a part of her has always had some sort of motherly feelings towards Dorian and felt like she's responsible for him, even though she's younger. She should have saved the bit about their parents until later on because it wouldn't do anything but pile on more pain and rage for him. I know she did it because it would inspire him to keep going, but as I was writing it I felt like it was too much for her to deal with on her own. That if she told Dorian it would get some of the weight off her shoulders.

    You will :)

    The quickness of her character is really what I was going for. I thought it would work as kind of a device that added to the randomness and chaos they keep experiencing since they started this crazy thing. Another reason I added her was to shed a little bit more light on Ethan's childhood and young adult years, as well as Alakazam's. Since it wasn't a subject I had touched on very often

    What I meant by that was when she was in Ethan's mind she got his knowledge and recalled when Uxie kidnapped him and threatened him with pulling out his heart and in turn, pulling out the flakes that sustains him. It was only after her mental conversation with Alakazam on the plane that she realized that Alakazam knew how to do it as well

    lmao. They didn't end up using them

    I see why you would say that, but seeing as how much trouble they've caused him throughout the course of the story, I think Ethan relished the idea of making Shelton do something she didn't want to do, as well as killing Dorian by throwing him off the building in Unova and making Shelton live with it. Thankfully it didn't work though

    Part of me agrees with you, however, I think I put it in there without a resolution because it echoed how turbulent their relationship became over time and how disconnected they became from each other as the story progressed. I think there's a certain thing to gain from dying with conflict, without having everything you want and without everything you want said said. It's more realistic to me for them to die unfulfilled, as thats more like how death really is. It doesn't give you time to right the things you want righted before you go

    Thanks for the review!

    I appreciate the compliment sir. Pat yourself on the back as well, as I picked up a lot of my abilities over time from a lot of different author's advice, including your's. Seeing as how you've been following this for such a long time, the compliment mean a lot, as I can see little changes in myself as well.

    Believe me buddy, I feel exactly the same way. Sure Ethan was obviously evil, but I would take his superiority complex and delusions of grandeur over the bat **** crazy six kings any day. His body is alive in the sense that the six kings are controlling it, but who Ethan was, his mind, his being, that I'm not sure about. Maybe, maybe not. An argument can be made for both sides of the coin. He might really be gone, or he might actually still be there, simmering under the surface.


    Thanks buddy. I'm glad you liked it. Sky pillar was always my favorite place to go in Hoenn, and I always thought it deserved more attention than it got. It'll definitely be a place we visit again in the sequel in order to touch on my version of the mythology and such

    Omg so did I. lmao I know I'm the one writing it, but when I put the period down at the end of that sequence, I recall jumping up from the couch and fist pumping while laughing my *** off. It felt really good, and I wished I had maybe put some of that same satisfaction in Alakazam before he died

    I really appreciate the compliment buddy, it means a a lot. You have the same thing inside you sir. Your numerous awards are a great reminder of that. I feel the same way towards you and I really regret not getting to your stories in so long. That'll be changing quickly though :)

    I'm glad you picked that out. As I've said before, some of the characters are modeled after people I know in my own life, and to be honest, not all of them are very exaggerated. Take the relationship between Dorian and Shelton. Not only did I base their attitudes and interactions with each other on my wife and my relationship, but both are almost clones of who we actually are. Shelton never misses a chance to correct me or make witty retorts, and like Dorian, I can almost never come up with a comeback. I also liked that you mentioned the alcoholic bit. For a period of around two years, up to about five months ago actually, drinking was my release. Any problem I faced that seemed to big, I responded by climbing into a bottle. So many nights where I would get black out wasted and do terribly irresponsible things. It was only this year did I realize it was becoming a problem and take steps to slow down. So Dorian's problems with drinking was actually very easy for me to write haha

    I'm glad you picked up on that bit. I have a weird love/hate relationship with Ethan, and that moment really made me feel for him in a way that I was surprised I felt.

    Thanks. The pacing was the thing I felt I actually had the most trouble with. Right when I started writing I wanted, like you said, for things to feel relaxed and easy. As time went on I wanted to add a more frantic tone to every chapter. I can't tell you how many times I took stuff out or added things I didn't always like because I felt like it either added or took away from how fast I wanted things to feel. So to have you say you think I did a good job on it means more than you know

    Thanks! Thinking up stuff like that entertained me for many boring hours at work lol

    I understand completely. Going back and adjusting or rewriting earlier chapters is an idea I've been flirting with for awhile now. I think in the beginning when this idea was still brewing I didn't know how I wanted to portray their sibling relationship and I think I didn't put enough thought into it. Now that i've gone back and reread those earlier chapters it feels almost kind of strained as well as slightly incomplete. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!

    My wife taught me how. She laughed and got really happy when you said that lol

    Exactly what I was trying to get across, I'm glad you saw that :)

    Those reactions are something that I tried really hard to mold the right way to accomplish exactly what you said. Which goes back to exactly what you said earlier about them being flawed. This journey/trials would be monumentally difficult for a normal person to deal with. But when it's Dorian, Garrett, and Shelton, I'm really actually kinda surprised they haven't been hurt worse or maimed in some fantastically brutal fashion.

    Thanks! You generally have to have a doctorate in sarcasm and smart-assery to run with me and my wife's crew. and that goes double for Garrett lol

    I'm glad you liked it. The plates and the mythology behind them will be touched on more in the sequel. I wish it was something I could tell you I mapped out and thought about over time, but the plates, flakes, and shards of the plates was literally something that just came to me, all at once one day

    Good, because that's exactly what I'm doing lol :)

    Thanks so much! I've tried to be canon conscious through the entirety of the fic and when it ended I was pretty pleased with the result, and you affirming that makes me feel even better. Canon is a weird but fun line to tread in the creative process and it actually surprised me a lot by how much joy I got from screwing around with it.

    and the children laughing was actually something that happens a lot in life that I started noticing over the last few years. An example is a six year laughing at a car crash that happens in a movie. Even though the main character dies, they laugh at all the flashing lights and twisted metal. They can't comprehend that what happened is a terrible tragedy because they aren't equipped to deal with the ramifications of life and what it means. So a monstrously large tower of shiny stone rising from the ocean is something I can actually see them laughing about lol

    That means a lot coming from you Jax, thanks. I think you'd have a good time with me, Shelton, and Garrett. Though thankfully I don't know any murderous psychopaths like Ethan. I can honestly say I wouldn't want to hang out with him under any circumstances

    I got that idea from the real Garrett. He really has a short barreled shotgun he named johnny kneecaps, and has been none to sleep with it in bed on occasion.

    That was actually something I had trouble with as well. I wanted to take them in a direction that would make sense but at the same time avoid that all evil villainous stereotype. I feel decently pleased with the result but you brought up several really good points. To be honest I really couldn't think of a better place to take them. I sat for days trying to figure out their story line. Notebooked ideas, I even tried to draw ghostly type pictures of them to help myself figure it out but I always came back to them possessing and taking control of Ethan's body. I still have the chance to develop them more in the sequel and I'll definitely be taking your comments on them to heart

    Thanks for picking up on that as well. There is always a time or place for violence, and it can be an amazing tool to further the story as well as add more detail to descriptive imagery. Your comments to that effect that I've seen in other reviews as well as your own stories tell me you feel the same way. In a top ten list of things I wanted to do right in this fic, violence and gore would probably be number three. It's something I desperately wanted to get right. Not that I'm tooting my own horn but you saying that made me feel really good that I did it the right way.

    I'm so freaking glad you picked up on that

    Thanks very much! A review from you is something I've wanted for a very long time and the fact that you liked it meant a great deal. I'm sorry I didn't touch on every single one of your points but I was working with time constraints today lol. And with the grammatical mistakes you pointed out, rest assured that I copied and pasted them into a document (along with all the other's reviews I've commented on today), and will definitely be looking back on them for Shatterpoint to make sure they are not repeated. As you know it's not something I ever got the chance to learn, and your guidance, along with everyone else's is something I really appreciate. Especially in the grammar department. Jax, along with the rest of you, have my permission to scissor kick me in the face if I keep making these mistakes.

    I'll be getting to the rest of the reviews at some point this week. Stay tuned!
  11. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner Peace to the Mountain

    Hmm, looks like this thread hasn't seen a post in a few months. Hopefully what follows is a sufficiently substantial post to bump with; I'll accept what's coming to me if it ain't.

    ANYWAY. What follows is a metric butt ton of direct thoughts and reactions to what I was reading, most if not all of which will follow the excerpts that provoked them. It'll be like reading it right alongside me.

    Don't worry. I remembered my deodorant today.

    Sometimes anime-style pokéspeak amuses the heck out of me. A nosepass saying "nose" and a qwilfish saying "fish" are a couple of examples. Trapinch's little outburst is another. X3

    About obsidian! It's actually not a metal, but rather a sort of volcanic glass. Or real world obsidian is, anyway. Which is why it baffles me to no end that Minecraft obsidian can only be broken by a healthy dose of smacking with a diamond pick, heh.

    This nuzleaf is quickly earning my favor. :D

    Same goes for the banter between these two. Pretty entertaining.

    Every time a trapinch aps, an angel gets a shiny new pair of wings.

    I can't lie: there's just something I like about a violent transformation. 8D Kinda makes me wonder how you'd go about describing something like, say, remoraid -> octillery.

    Alakazam are awesome. :D

    Oh hello there, wild pokémon society. What a welcome sight. :D

    Crying mud, hm? That's kind of a neat detail there.

    Ouch, dang. Poor ducky.


    Well there's some (possibly) good news. Ducky's probably gonna feel like **** if he wakes up, though.

    Somehow this gives me a sinking feeling about Machop's fate.

    By which I'm guessing he meant "****". Trapinch evolving looked painful enough, but to go through this kind of evolution when you're already in piss-poor condition... ouch.

    There's just something so natural about the dialogue, especially in places like this. I think this might be one of your strongest suits.

    Oh ow, ow ow ow. That's, uh... certainly an effective way to describe that. Ow.

    He's braver than I am, even given that these two are close friends. Somehow I don't think I could muster the grapes to say "screw you" to something that's basically special attack incarnate. X3

    Yep. I definitely wouldn't mouth off to an alakazam.

    ...Welp. So much for the beef stew.

    ...is it bad that I wanted to applaud

    Yep, glass!

    ...Idk why I suddenly give this much of a frell about obsidian either. XD;

    Her objection to killing him seems a bit more pragmatic than moralistic. Something about that kind of appeals to me.

    Machoke, you are adorable.

    Golduck could probably field that one for you.

    Oh geez, Nuzleaf, I get that you're agitated but like... come on dude. No need to be dropping l-bombs.



    Nice. Futile, I can't help but suspect. But nice.

    Oh ****, somehow I'd actually managed to forget all about the graveler...

    Ohhhh ****...

    Oh, she's a pidgeot! Okay, that clears that up. For some reason I'd thought she was a fearow.

    Oh now there's a five-dollar word. Congrats on making me have to look one up; it's been a while.


    Ah sweet, I'd been hoping for another of your evolution scenes sometime soon. :D

    WELP. So they did it. They actually did it. Should be interesting to see where this leads...

    Huh. Wonder if this means her little mindswap spell will be broken. Or if it means it can't be. Or neither.

    I love this alakazam.

    Annnnnd legit crying now. Even though he made it in the end, poor bby... ;^;

    Yeah no son, that's not gonna work.

    I say that, but. If he really only did that in the first place to get an audience with the kings, then, well. Mission accomplished.

    Either way, ammo = wasted.

    You made the right choice, dude. I've gotta say, watching Alakazam grapple with his loyalty has been one of the best things about this fic. Even if it turns out he hasn't turned his back on his "brother" for good, it's definitely a satisfying moment.

    I couldn't help but chuckle.


    Well, ****.

    Bby... ;^;


    Okay, now you KNOW I'm gonna have to check out that sequel before all's said and done. You clever devil.

    This has been one hell of a ride. This took me about... hmm, maybe six or seven hours to read? I lost count. Point is, time well spent. Kudos. :D

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