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Requiem (PG-13)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Sidewinder, Mar 12, 2012.

  1. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    "The" shouldn't be capitalized. When you're doing a speech tag, things don't generally get capitalized after the exclamation point/period/comma unless you use a name. Also, “ihis” should be “his,” I’m guessing.

    Same as above.
    Should be “too occupied”.
    I find the idea of pokémon being able to tell when they’re about to evolve quite interesting. So is seeing the Trapinch bleeding and actually showing physical effects upon evolving. It seems like it would be a common thing, and it makes a ton of sense; I’ve just only ever seen it in one other fic. I like that you implemented it here.
    With the blood present, however, it doesn’t make sense to me that the new Vibrava would feel entirely better. Wouldn’t the pain still be present, since his entire body structure changed, and he’s bleeding down his sides? Maybe he’d feel relieved and satisfied because he evolved after all of his hard work, but I find the idea of “there’s suddenly no pain” a bit unrealistic.

    “squawking” not “squaking”
    If I remember right, these are the only pokémon that have been introduced so far (besides Alakazam, but it makes sense that he’s not in this scene). Is there a reason the other pokémon are being excluded? Why are they here at all if they’re so unimportant? I’m assuming that they’ll eventually be introduced and implemented, but it seems odd that you haven’t even revealed what kind of species they are yet. At least, I don’t think you have. I might have forgotten.
    “we’re” not “were”, since “we’re” is the shortened version of “we are”.

    “He” shouldn’t be capitalized for the same reason that “The” wasn’t capitalized earlier.
    Lol, I always thought that this was just a game mechanic to make sure that you didn’t just pass by all the trainers without needing to fight them. In real life, though, it seems a bit sketchy. What if the trainer’s pokémon are injured? Or the trainer is trying to get somewhere quickly due to an emergency? Pushing issues like this and being able to report them seems kind of silly to me (especially when most trainers seem to be immature 10-15 year olds that will cry when they don’t get their way, like this one here), though I see where you’re coming from. Plus, it made for an entertaining read. I just posted earlier in another thread that I never see writers actually convey the age difference in trainers, and a few hours later, I read this! Awesome.
    I’m curious to know why that one word affects Dorian so much, especially since the boy had just said “You’re just scared,” and Dorian didn’t have such a serious reaction. Hmm.

    Anyway, this was a filler chapter, but you used it to develop some characters still. I thought that Dorian seeing Ethan in the sky was a good transition to the next part, where Ethan also sees Dorian and tries to hide. The interactions between Dorian/his pokémon and Dorian/Shelton are also realistic and fun to read. Keep it up!
  2. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    I looked out for that several times and I can't believe I keep missing them. Thanks for bringing that to my attention and I'm going to try alot harder to not make those silly errors. After I finish this post I'm going to go back and fix them.

    I appreciate it. Even when I was alot younger I never bought into the whole, 'Suddenly, such and such started glowing' routine. I'm glad you liked it. And you're right, Vibrava would not be pain free right away. I think in the excitement he was ignoring it after he evolved. If you look back, right after he evolved and everyone rushed up, he laid his head on Dorian's shoe because he was all tuckered out. I already planned to expand on that in later chapters.

    Yeah, there's Vibrava and Shelton's Golduck. Vibrava was still in its ball recovering from its evolution and Golduck decided that he didn't feel like walking. I guess I should have mentioned them both in that part to make it more clear.

    Lol I'm glad you liked that bit as well. I'm sure that's what that game mechanic is for. I was calling that into play just because I thought that Dorian hearing that would really annoy him. I'm expanding on that bit as well later. And if for some reason a trainer's Pokemon were all too injured to battle, I'm sure the opponent would understand. Or some circumstance where a trainer was rushing to the hospital to see a dying family member, etc. I think the kid was just threatening that was because Dorian was brushing him off for no reason whatsoever. I think the kid thought that Dorian thought he wasn't worth his time. If that makes sense.

    You'll see :)

    Anyway, thanks for bringing that stuff to my attention. And I really appreciate the review! Thanks!
  3. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    This chapter ended up shorter than I thought it would. 5 pages on MS Word, but looking at the post, it looks really short lol. As always, reviews are welcome and appreciated!


    The match was going badly for both contestants. The Beedrill was swift, zooming from right to left, anticipating the next attack. Scorch marks traced a line from its left side up to its twitching antenna, the wounds cracking audibly as it moved. Growlithe had not fared much better, wounded from Beedrill’s quick pin missile attack. Blood leisurely rolled down its mane where the points had struck. The liquid turned the ground an ugly shade of black where it landed, giving the sporting duel an almost sinister feel.

    “Flamethrower!” Dorian yelled.

    “Dodge!” his opponent shouted.

    As Growlithe unleashed a stream of orange flame toward his target, the Beedrill flew up high, evading the hellish blaze. The Beedrill swooped down, unleashing another pin missile attack. Growlithe rolled to the right, catching a few of the barbs in his shoulder in the process. The rest slammed into the ground, some reflecting off Dorian’s artificial shield. Both Pokemon were obviously exhausted, judging from Beedrill’s drooping antenna and Growlithe’s labored breathing.

    “Tackle the Growlithe!” the Beedrill’s trainer yelled.

    “Use Tackle!” Dorian shouted, seeking to end the fight with outright brawn.

    The Pokemon collided with a loud bang, the energy discharge between the two being thrown straight up in a cascade of heavenly white. Both Pokemon hit the ground hard, stirring up clouds of dust where they landed. Panting hard, Growlithe struggled to remain upright. Beedrill was of the same persuasion, its wings struggling to keep itself it up the air. With a mutual groan, both Pokemon collapsed. Neither would be able to finish, their wounds too draining to continue.

    Dorian thought with the obvious type advantage it would have been a quick fight, but the kid had proved to be surprisingly intelligent. Especially when he used Beedrill’s wings to blow a flamethrower sent at it back to Growlithe, temporarily blinding the fire type and allowing it to land a strong blow.

    “What was that about me learning something?” the kid called over to Dorian, recalling his Pokemon and retrieving his share of the money.

    “Are you implying that you won?" Dorian asked, opening Growlithe’s pokeball and returning his Pokemon. “Because you obviously didn’t.”

    “Neither did you,” the kid scowled.

    “Well, I’m leaving,” Dorian stated. “Thanks for, whatever.”

    “Right back at you, champ,” the kid fired back.

    “You little bastard!” Dorian exclaimed, changing direction and stalking towards him.

    “That’s enough!” Shelton interjected, stopping Dorian with a wave of her hand. “Let’s go.”

    “Fine,” he said, knowing that Shelton’s wrath would be severe if he kept up with the unsportsmanlike attitude. He grabbed his credits from the ground and stomped back to the group.

    After the kid had given him another dirty look, he vanished down the path that Dorian and Shelton had recently traveled through. After another thirty minutes of analyzing the mistakes he had made, the boy was a distant memory. Still there, but the urge to run back and smack him had abated somewhat.

    Thirty minutes after that, the group finally arrived at the half finished road between Johto and Kanto which had been under construction for the last year. Its purpose was to save travelers the rigors of passing through multiple checkpoints at the reception gate to the Pokemon League. The association was extremely strict on people passing through, even on those who weren’t trainers. It was their way to make sure that no trainers took shortcuts to get to other lands if a region had reached its maximum capacity of battle-able trainers.

    “Look at the gouges in those bulldozers,” Dorian said, pointing to the dilapidated machines.

    “They said on the news that it was rock types that did it. The ones living where they were using those demolition charges to clear the rock,” Shelton explained. “The only reason Johto and Kanto sanctioned it was because of the headaches that the League was giving ordinary people who were just passing through.”

    “Well, luckily we have Machop and Golduck with us. They should be able to keep us safe with their type advantage.”

    “Well yeah, but we also have six Pokemon between the two of us, plus our Pokeflect’s. We’ll be fine.”

    Dorian suspected some sort of ominous feeling to strike him as he weighed the options. He was sure they’d be fine. While the bulldozers had been partially destroyed during the construction, no humans had been hurt. Not only that, but he’d been up against groups of wild Pokemon before and escaped relatively unscathed. After another few moments of consideration he decided that the extra day of waiting wasn’t worth it. Not only that, but because both of their trainer card’s were expired, they would probably incur some kind of fine as well if they had to go through the reception gate.

    “Let’s do it,” Dorian said. “If we go now, we can make Viridian by nightfall.”

    Shelton grinned, “Let’s get the rest of them out.”

    They released the Pokemon that were still in their balls, depositing them back into their pockets afterwards. Golduck took Machop by its right hand, leading it ahead of the group in an attempt to break the fighting type out of its comfort zone. The limping Growlithe and energetic Shuppet took up pace to the left, the ghost Pokemon dipping up and down in the air, trying to get Growlithe to chase it. Nuzleaf took up a position behind the group as a rear guard, and Vibrava hovered above Dorian’s head, bulbous green eyes scanning the path ahead.


    The path to the south side of Viridian City was shadowed by a sheer cliff face to the left, with a sheer seventy foot drop on the right. The road was basically a straight line, deep ruts marring the surface in some places where the machines had been doing their work. Uncompleted, the road was smooth in the beginning, but riddled with house sized boulders and sharp chunks of gravel where the dynamite had been doing its work.

    The cliff face to the left began to shift. Slowly at first, almost accidentally, as if it was struggling to decide whether it wanted to keep its shape. White eyes opened along the expanse of the cliff, blinking slowly. Upon closer inspection, legs and arms became visible. The roughly hewn limbs made out of the same rock they were latched onto. The shapes communicated by moving themselves against the rocks, listening to the craggy vibrations that were made when they did so.

    The colony of Graveler was tired, and they were angry. The humans had planted explosives in their homes, just on the inside of the mountain. They had killed two elderly Graveler by doing so. Their leader had stopped them from retaliating at first, believing the explosions to be some kind of accident. When the men and their horribly loud machines began to trickle into their new valley, however, they knew different. It was evident they were making another pathway, the ones that were spoken about by the Golem who left the inner sanctum to explore their territory.

    In unison, the collection of eyes rotated right, taking in the shapes of two humans and their Pokemon approaching from the west. Fear gripped all of them at once, a reasonable reaction to the atrocities that had recently occurred. Breathing loudly, the Graveler moved their bodies against the rock faster.

    Their leader silenced the scraping with a single slap of its hand against the rock. Moving its hands in slow circles, it laid out its plan.

    The leader was anxious about the course of action he was taking. He had tried to convince the humans to stop destroying their home by crippling their machines. His kind had always strived for nonviolent resolution, but the elders dying had pushed the others too far. His station as chief was in danger if he didn’t act. The others had made that very clear after the murder of the old one’s had taken place. They would no longer stand idly by like pebbles as their way of life was crushed in front of them. They would no longer restrain themselves as the humans wrestled their mountain away from them.

    They would have blood for the wrongs that had befallen them.


    “In what world do you live in where a Clefairy could beat a Hitmonchan?” Shelton asked.

    “All I’m saying is that if the Clefairy has metronome, it opens up the possibility that the type advantage will not matter,” Dorian explained.

    The group had been walking for over an hour, nearing the halfway point of the new route. The sounds of the waves crashing against the rocks below soothed Dorian as he walked, allowing him to put his mind on autopilot as he argued his point with Shelton. Golduck and Machop were still leading the crowd, the fighting Pokemon letting his hand drag across the rocky wall, tracing the curves of the stone. Vibrava buzzed around the group in lazy concentric circles, drunk on its newfound ability of flight.

    “What you’re talking about is such a gamble though,” Shelton continued. “Out of all the moves that could pop up, what are the chances that one of the type you need will show up?”

    “Extremely slim I know, but gambling like that can yield unexpected results, and you know it.”

    “On rare occasions that’s true, but ninety percent of the time, it’s not.”

    “That’s where our styles differ. You calculate everything. Type advantage, skill set, move roster. Whereas I like leaving things to chance. Not only does it make it more exciting, but it leaves more to the imagination and you have the freedom to think eccentrically.”

    “That might be why you lost against that Beedrill,” Shelton muttered.

    “What was that?” Dorian asked, anger rising in his voice.

    “Nothing,” Shelton said. “But you have to admit that sometimes taking a calculated approach can give you a better chance at winning.”

    “Well obviously. I’m not saying I’m going to go against Cerulean’s Gym Leader with a crew of all fire types. But yes, I prefer to not weigh the odds and ratios all the time. I’ve found that leaving some things to chance keeps me on my feet.”


    As his trainer argued back and forth about their competitive style, Shelton’s Golduck stopped walking. A small chunk of rock had loosed itself from the cliff wall and rolled across his webbed feet. Picking the stone up, he looked up at the wall, seeing nothing that would have spurned it from its place in the cliff. Quacking softly, he tossed the rock off to the right, over the cliff and down to the water below.

    “Chop?” Machop inquired, also having noticed the rock tumble down the rocky outcropping.

    “Duduck,” the Pokemon replied, assuring the smaller Pokemon they were not in danger.

    “Machop,” he said, satisfied in the older Pokemon’s response.

    It was just then that the jewel in Golduck’s forehead flared with a sudden ruby light. His grip on Machop’s hand tightened, a feeling of dread gripping its formidable mind. As he looked back to his trainer to check her safety, a shadow fell across him and Machop. The rock wall to their left collapsed forward, the sound of rock on rock deafening to his sensitive ears. With a sharp intake of breath, the Golduck erected a psychic shield around himself and Machop, trying in vain to protect them. He was a microsecond too slow. The avalanche of rock buried Machop instantly, its cries cut short when its head went under the falling stone. The rubble pushed against his shield, which was protecting him from harm, but shoving him towards the edge of the cliff behind him.

    “Duck!” he cried, summoning all his psychic power to stop the flow of rock.

    For a moment, the rocks stopped, held in stasis by the sapphire Pokemon. As he was about to shove it back up the wall, a scream from further down the path broke his concentration. With a roar of defiance, the rocks loosed themselves from his mental grasp and struck his shield, sending him over the side of the cliff.


    Shelton and Dorian had been walking along amiably when a rockslide had fallen from the left side of the path and buried Machop. Before she was able to process the situation, she watched Golduck try to save himself and Machop, erecting a psychic barrier between themselves and the rock, but he had been too late, Machop had been pulled under. As she watched, her Golduck pushed against the rock behind a blue shield of energy, trying to hold it in place. The rocks kept coming and pouring down, seemingly of their own accord. The sound slowed her decision making even more, her synapses struggling to overcome the roaring of the stampeding stone.

    “STOP IT!” she screamed in frustration. As she dropped her pack she saw Golduck swing his head toward her, sweat breaking out across his oily feathers.

    Her shout could not stop gravity however, and as she started forward, the rocks slammed into Golduck’s shield, sending him over the side and towards the crashing waves below. She screamed long and hard, tears streaming down her face, her eyeliner merging with the liquid to form lines of jet black. She ran, desperate to follow Golduck to wherever it took her. She saw Dorian’s Nuzleaf streak past her, white energy licking its rapidly moving legs. Vibrava was close behind, diving off the edge of the cliff to aid the flightless Golduck.

    As she bounded across the uneven ground, her right foot slipped and got wedged between two sofa sized boulders. Her momentum carried her forward and her head struck the ground, motes of dirt flung skyward as she connected. Stars flew across her vision as she quickly sat up. Her head throbbed, the pain streaming down from her head to other parts of her body. In her dazed confusion she saw a shadow falling towards her. Further back, she heard Growlithe roaring, Shuppet screeching, Dorian swearing. The shadow kept falling, subtle features such as small spherical body and two powerful arms becoming visible. The shadow blotted out her vision as it connected with her head, forcing her into unconsciousness.
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2012
  4. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Lone Vanguard

    I suspect this sentence was originally going to start with they had and you changed your mind. Just need to knock off the y.

    There are often times when you do this. You give a Pokemon a gender and then you refer back to that Pokemon as it. You need to stick to one. There are many Pokemon that have no gender, but most do.

    That's all I saw. Short chapter. Kinda fillerish. Mostly traveling. I like how you portray the exchange of money in a battle. It's very creative. The ensuing battle with the Graveler should be interesting seeing as how they lost two of their Pokemon that had an advantage.
  5. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    The parallelism between the “seeking to” at the beginning and the end here seems unnecessary. It doesn’t accomplish much, and I’m not even sure if you did it on purpose or not. I would keep the second part, but not the first, since it’s pretty much common sense to say that bug-types are weak to fire.
    This is similar to what I just pointed out, though I’d actually keep the repetition/parallelism since both “blow”s contribute to the portrayal of the trainer’s intelligence and the Beedrill’s power.
    Forgot the quotation mark after “won?”
    This seems unlikely with how badly the word “coward” scarred him. You may not want to reveal why he’s so triggered by that word yet, but it could at least be mentioned, you know?
    Should be “rock types” and “The ones”, since the apostrophe indicates ownership, and that’s not quite your intention here. You do this a couple times shortly after Shelton saying this, so I’d watch out for it in the future (and if/when you go back to fix the chapter)

    A good, powerful way to end that section. Though I think at the end there is supposed to just be a period, unless you’re going for an ellipses, in which case there should be three periods in a row. Never two.

    “too slow”

    Anyway, it was a good chapter overall. The battle introduced a lot of worldbuilding and some characterization with Dorian, and obviously what happened with Golduck/Machop and crew is mysterious and interesting. Your description is also good as always. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Keep it up!
  6. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Thanks to everyone who keeps reviewing. I really appreciate all the feedback, as it goes a long way towards helping me become a better writer. This chapter is probably my favorite so far, and I had alot of fun writing it. People who have been following my story are certainly in for some fun. For anyone reading my Fic for the first time, leave me some opinions, as I always want to improve. Thanks!

    Chapter 6

    Nuzleaf was running as fast as his body would allow, calling on reserves of energy in his belly to pump his legs faster. He had seen the wall collapse on his friends, Golduck trying to hold it back before he was overcome. What Nuzleaf noticed as Machop was pulled under the rampaging rock however, was that some of the rocks were moving and changing direction on their own. Five Graveler were rolling across the rock, stomping and pounding to pack the pile as hard as possible, burying Machop under an unimaginable amount of weight.

    “Nuz!” he yelled as he reached the slope of the pile.

    Three of the closest Graveler jumped into the air towards Nuzleaf to intercept, each grabbing handfuls of rock as their feet left the ground. Nuzleaf followed suit, using both legs to launch himself into the air. The Graveler threw the rocks they were holding, each handful tripling in size as they raced towards their target. Nuzleaf destroyed the first few with a bullet seed, twisting through the air to avoid the other harmful missiles.

    “Grav!” the rock Pokemon yelled, taken aback by Nuzleaf’s graceful agility.

    As Nuzleaf came back to the ground, he ran up the pile, meeting the Graveler as they touched back down. The first two took a thick wooden knee to the face, making them stumble backwards; while the third took a handful of brightly colored pellets to the forehead, the ricochets breaking off a piece of its rocky shoulder. Nuzleaf scaled a large boulder behind the third, flipping backwards as he got to the top. The single leaf on its head began to glow, a golden halo of energy building around the single stalk. As the three that had been pummeled by Nuzleaf realized what was happening, they quickly grabbed more rocks and chucked them towards him.

    With a growl, Nuzleaf released the stored energy. By far not the most impressive solarbeam he had ever conjured, as he barely had enough time to even charge it; but the effect was exactly what he wanted. As a fiery inferno of solar light raced downwards towards the rocks where Machop was buried, the Graveler scattered. A deafening boom rang out as the solarbeam cut through the pile of rock, punching a twenty foot hole straight down. The rocks that were chunked at him by the Graveler’s were vaporized right before he ended the stream, allowing him to stop the attack and fall down into the newly made hole.

    Diving headfirst, Nuzleaf rolled himself forward as he struck the ground, a small splinter of wood spiraling away from his foot as he landed. Gritting his teeth to get through the pain, he reached down with his right hand and pulled Machop out from under the last two feet of rock. His friend’s face was bruised and bloody, the consequence of the tons of rock that had buried him. Hand still attached to Machop’s arm, he pulled back and flung the fighting Pokemon out of the hole, just as the rock Pokemon he had injured crashed into him, slamming him to the ground and knocking him out.


    Dorian’s mind was racing. The wall had collapsed right where Machop and Golduck had been walking. From his angle he couldn’t see what had happened, but Shelton had screamed and bolted, forcing his mind to race to the worst possibility. As he went to yell to Nuzleaf for help, his grass Pokemon flashed past him, already on the way. He saw a flicker of blue tumble off the side of the cliff, followed by the green shape of his Vibrava darting over the edge to follow.

    As his eyes went back to Shelton, he saw her trip and fall, a puff of dirt rising from where her head had struck. He felt a terrible tug in his gut as it happened and he released his pack to run. It was just then that Shuppet wailed, the noise resonating in his eardrums like a nearby foghorn. He swiveled his head in the direction of her screeching just in time to see Growlithe loose a jet of fire from his maw, targeting a television sized rock that was falling towards him. The rock was shoved backwards in the air, its surface scorched and smoking. Growlithe roared his approval; the sound overlapping with the noise of Shuppet’s panicked yelling.

    “Dammit!” he yelled aloud as a large shadow suddenly darkened his vision. Just as the shadow connected, he brought his hands together, activating his Pokeflect. The Graveler’s attack caught him in the stomach, the force sending him to his back. While the Pokeflect repelled actual damage from the attack, the motion of the two of them smacking together sent him sprawling.

    As Dorian rolled to a stop, he shouted, “Growlithe, use flamethrower! Shuppet, shadow ball!” The attacks merged together as they hit their target, Growlithe’s flames turning a sickly shade of black and grey. The torrent of flames sent the Graveler back several yards, where it lay in a heap, body smoking steadily.

    An explosion behind him lit up the surrounding area in golden light, heat rolling across Dorian’s back. As his hand went to his head to protect himself, he saw parts of the cliff face begin to fall, betraying the secret of Graveler and Geodude alike. Two of the creatures slammed into Growlithe, forcing him to the ground and immobilizing his legs. Another four tried in vain to wrap their arms around Shuppet, only to have the ghost Pokemon phase through their outstretched arms, leaving her unscathed.

    Dorian jumped to his feet, his mind racing to think of a suitable attack plan. Just as he got up however, two sets of arms snaked their way around his body, pulling him into a bear hug. The arms made no effort to be gentle, squeezing his body roughly, leaving Dorian gasping for air. A constant growl vibrated against Dorian’s back, an obvious display of menace.

    “What are you doing?!” Dorian yelled, struggling to break free of the creature’s grasp.

    “Gravav!” the Pokemon accused, not squeezing tighter, but not loosening his grip either.

    Shuppet meanwhile was firing balls of ghostly energy at random, safe high above from the reaching arms of the Pokemon below. The attacks were hitting the ground as often as the Pokemon she was aiming for. When one of her attacks would hit their aggressors a shout of pain could be heard, followed by scores of rocks thrown at her by the crowd below. She kept on unhindered though, phasing through the rock like it was air.

    “Shup!” she screeched, halting her attack, her eyes riveted behind Dorian.

    Dorian spun his head to the right to see Machop’s unconscious body flip out of the smoking crater further down the path. The fighting type roughly hit the ground, arms flailing wildly as he skipped across the ground. He laid there, eyes closed, his breathing coming in series of long gurgling gasps. As Dorian struggled to examine his injuries from afar, he spied three Graveler falling from higher up the cliff, disappearing from sight as they passed below the lip of the new crater.

    “GRAVELER!” a new voice shouted.

    Dorian turned his head towards the new voice and gasped. An overly large Graveler was holding Shelton’s unconscious body above its head, clapping its lower hands together for attention. From what Dorian could tell, the only injury she had sustained was a large cut across her scalp that was slowly seeping blood. The sight of the Pokemon holding her made Dorian struggle with newfound vigor, carelessly lacerating his skin on the sharp rock of Graveler’s body.

    “Stop!” he shouted. “Let go of her and we’ll leave!”

    The Graveler paid Dorian no attention. Swinging its rocky head upwards, it pointed at Shuppet, then back at Shelton.

    “Shuppet,” the ghost Pokemon said, drifting towards the ground.

    Satisfied, the Graveler holding Shelton motioned towards two nearby Geodude, gesturing towards a spot in the road about ten feet ahead. Nodding, both Pokemon began to beat the ground furiously, digging a hole about three feet wide. Once they were finished, the Graveler stood Shelton up in the hole, and proceeded to shove dirt in as well; effectively burying her up to her neck.

    Dorian watched the scene unfold in horror, unable to understand what the rocky Pokemon was doing. Frantic, he started looking around, searching for one of their Pokemon to help.

    Growlithe was being held down by two Geodude, his face scraping across the dirt as he tried to free himself. Machop was barely alive, holding on by sheer will alone. Golduck and Vibrava had not reappeared from the side of the cliff yet, filling his head with even more worry. Nuzleaf was nowhere to be found and Shuppet was hovering nearby, seemingly catatonic by the threat made to her by the Graveler who was obviously in charge.

    Dorian couldn’t understand why this was happening. Obviously this was the same gang of Pokemon Shelton was referring to earlier, but before they had only attacked the machines building the road. There had been no violence against any humans or their Pokemon at all. He had always been very good at reasoning with people and Pokemon alike. He had been told on more than one occasion that he would make a good salesman from his talent with wordplay. It was clear however, that there was no way to talk them out of this predicament.

    “Grav!” the leader shouted again.

    As Dorian watched, the Graveler held up two of its fingers with one hand and pointed to a pile of rock off to the left with another. Keeping its hands in place, it bent down and scooped up two basketball size boulders at its feet, balancing each out on an outstretched appendage. The hand he was pointing with slowly came around and he pointed toward each boulder, stopping to make the symbol for two again. Then its last hand came back around and pointed at Shelton’s buried body.

    “I don’t understand what you’re saying. Please, we’ll go. We won’t come back, I promise,” Dorian pleaded. “Please.”

    Growing angry, the Graveler pointed towards the same small pile of rock again, then repeating the gesture of making the number two and making the same motions towards Shelton.

    Dorian stared at the pile of rock, trying to understand the significance. As he studied the rocks, six blackened hands became distinguishable, along with a shattered leg, and a few broken ivory teeth.

    “Bodies?” Dorian asked himself. Then, the realization of what was about to happen crashed down on his mind harder than the rockslide that had pummeled Machop’s body. The bodies were Graveler. Judging from their shattered flesh they had died from the demolition charges that the road crew had planted. “Two of you, for two of us.” That’s what the Graveler was telling him.

    As he watched, the Graveler walked to his deceased brethren and stroked each of their bodies with one long crooked finger. Shaking noticeably, the rock Pokemon took a deep breath, composing itself. Turning around, with dark mud streaming from its eyes, the Graveler took aim at Shelton’s head.

    “Gravgrav,” the Pokemon lamented, and threw the stones.

    Before the stones reached their target, however, they halted in the air.

    Suddenly, they reversed course, racing back towards the Graveler with increased velocity. One struck the rock Pokemon in the head, sending it stumbling backwards, while the other raced around to strike the Pokemon from behind, sending it face first to the ground. The assembled Geodude and Graveler stared at their leader in disbelief, not understanding, not able to process what had just happened.

    Dorian however, knew the answer before they did. Looking up, he saw Golduck let go of Vibrava’s legs and fall to the ground below. He watched as Golduck lightly landed, one foot resting on either side of Shelton’s head. Golduck’s pupils glowed lilac, signaling the rage that was close to being released.

    “DUCK!” Golduck yelled at Dorian, raising both of his webbed hands above his head.

    Knowing he only had a moment, Dorian raised his arms as high as he could, struggling against the strength of the Graveler that was holding him hostage. As his hands went upwards, a multicolored beam of energy shot from the jewel in Golduck’s forehead. The beam hit Dorian’s right hand with uncanny accuracy, rebounding off his Pokeflect and striking his captor in the stomach. The arms holding him hostage loosened, allowing Dorian to wriggle free. As soon as his feet touched the ground, Dorian jumped up and spun, kicking the dazed Graveler backwards. The rock Pokemon stumbled, crying out in pain from the lingering effects of Golduck’s psybeam. Its feet carried it backwards, over the edge of the cliff and to the roaring waves below.

    As Dorian turned back around, the rock Pokemon broke their stare and attacked, sending chunks of stone streaming towards Vibrava hovering above and Golduck below. Vibrava tucked his wings and spiraled downwards, catching slight nicks from the thrown rocks as he dived. None of the missiles even got close to Golduck though, as the psychic Pokemon stopped them in mid-air as they approached, leaving them hanging to serve as shields for other incoming rocks.

    “Vibrava, use gust on the rocks!” Dorian commanded.

    Coming to a stop in front of Golduck, the dragon Pokemon flapped his wings furiously, kicking up sand and gravel as a vortex was generated. The psychic force holding the wall of thrown rocks suddenly dropped its hold, allowing Vibrava to send the stones back towards their attackers. Five of the rock Pokemon were immediately out of the fight, either immobilized by the heavy rock, or the impact of the stones sending them off the nearby cliff.

    Shuppet meanwhile, had snapped her mind back into the fight and was currently flying from Geodude to Geodude, latching onto their backs and using hypnosis to put them to sleep. The Pokemon that experienced this sensation cried out in fear as the ghost Pokemon reached into their minds and ignited their worst fears, causing them to flee to sleep like it was their own idea.

    “Vibrava, don’t stop! Golduck, get her out!” Dorian yelled.

    Vibrava began to gyrate, dragging the vortex of howling wind in a circle, creating a barrier their attackers were unable to penetrate. Golduck focused his mental power below his feet, feeling the earth below with his mind and slowly raising Shelton out of her temporary prison. He worked slowly, trying his best to keep the sharp rock underneath from cutting her as she rose.

    Dorian ran, the wind from Vibrava’s sustained gust attack almost knocking him off his feet as he struggled to get further down the path where Growlithe was pinned down. The same two Geodude were still holding him down, reaching down to strike the struggling dog when he managed to gain some leverage. Dorian ducked to avoid a rock thrown at him from a nearby Graveler, forgetting again that the Pokeflect would have stopped the stone from harming him.

    “Shup!” Shuppet screeched, materializing beside Dorian as he ran.

    As the ghost Pokemon’s voice reached the two Geodude, they looked up in surprise, catching twin shadow balls launched from Shuppet in the process. The Geodude were blown backwards into the wall behind them as the attack hit, releasing Growlithe from their painful embrace. Growlithe turned and bathed his assailants with fire for good measure, making sure they were out of the fight.

    “You good?” Dorian called to Growlithe, spinning on his heel and running back towards Shelton.

    “Growlithe!” his Pokemon roared.

    “Find Nuzleaf!” Dorian commanded. “Shuppet, help Vibrava and Golduck!”

    Dorian followed Growlithe as he ran further down the path, following the scent of Nuzleaf. He hunched down as they passed the whirlwind of air around his Vibrava, taking note of the fact that Golduck had completely freed Shelton from the ground below and was holding her in his arms, shielding her from the occasional rock that made it through Vibrava’s barrier. Shuppet had taken place in front of the twirling dragon Pokemon, adding ghostly balls of energy to the whirlwind, hoping to injure any of the rock Pokemon that got too close.

    “Nuzleaf!” Dorian called, hoping to somehow get his Pokemon’s attention.
    He kept following Growlithe as the fire Pokemon led them to the edge of a large crater; one that Dorian was sure was the result of the explosion that had happened earlier. As Dorian and Growlithe began to climb the slope of the crater, Nuzleaf’s unconscious form was violently thrown from the confines of the hole. Nuzleaf’s body was traveling so fast that it hit Dorian directly in the solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him and sending him to the ground.

    “GRAV!” a chorus of voices yelled. As Dorian got up and slung Nuzleaf over his shoulder, five Graveler jumped up from the inside of the crater, glaring menacingly at the trio below.

    “Grooo!” Growlithe growled, puffing up his chest.

    “Don’t be thick,” Dorian said. “You can’t take on five of them. Let’s go!”

    Huffing regrettably, Growlithe followed his master, hearing the sounds of the Graveler stomping behind them in pursuit. As he ran, he saw more Geodude and Graveler closing in on them from all sides, the ones ahead of them stopping short of the deadly barrier of wind and spinning rock created by Vibrava.

    “Golduck!” Dorian yelled. “We’re coming in!”

    The duck Pokemon heard them and nodded, using his power of telekinesis to open a hole in the vortex to let them pass. The rocks and spheres of energy parted for the trio as they ran through, closing behind them with a loud clap. Dorian laid Nuzleaf down by Golduck’s feet, checking his Pokemon up and down for injury. His Pokemon was breathing steadily, the only tell-tale sign of injury being the small chunks of wood missing from his foot, arm, and shoulder.

    They were all in Vibrava’s protective circle now, even the unconscious form of Machop, whose condition was rapidly declining. As Dorian watched, scores of Graveler and Geodude poured out from over the top of the rock face, joining the fray of over thirty rock Pokemon that were trying to penetrate the protective circle around them. Vibrava couldn’t keep this up forever; and as powerful as his and Shelton’s Pokemon were, they couldn’t take on that many at one time. His mind raced, desperate for a plan to end the madness, to keep them safe. He wasn’t strong enough to overcome the odds though; he wasn’t powerful enough to fight off his aggressors. For the first time in his life, he didn’t know what to do.

    “Vibravaaa,” his dragon Pokemon moaned.

    As Dorian watched Vibrava, he noticed that the hurricane of wind keeping them safe was starting to die down, the rocks being carried by it being lowered closer to the ground. Just then, one of the shadow balls that Shuppet had conjured leapt off course and smacked into Dorian’s chest. He felt nothing as it glanced off of the protective shield of his Pokeflect, but yelled when it ricocheted off of him and struck Shuppet. The ghost Pokemon wailed as the orb struck her, sending her crashing against the ground.

    “Ava,” Vibrava whispered, dropping roughly to the ground and falling into unconsciousness.

    Dorian should have known that the strain of sustaining an attack for that long was too much for the newly evolved Pokemon. He felt a momentary flash of pride in his Pokemon that quickly evaporated as the rocks caught up in the vortex fell and revealed the outside of their circle.

    Over fifty rock Pokemon surrounded them, the ones nearest to the front gasping for the air that had been sucked away from them by Vibrava’s attack. Most of them were growling, making their intentions clear. They would not stop, and they had the numbers to back it up.

    “I’m sorry,” Dorian said to the crowd. “We had nothing to do with it.”

    Gathering his emotions, he walked forward and stood in front of Shelton. Raising his fists, he waited. It would come in a moment. The inevitable tide of anger would wash across them and leave nothing behind. Dorian thought that at a moment like this, things would become simple. Clarity would chime in and he would know exactly what to do. Nothing came however, nothing to give him hope. He was with their Pokemon, and his mind was blank.

    “Duduck,” Golduck stated, tapping him on the shoulder.

    Dorian turned, vaguely aware that the rock type Pokemon around them were rushing forward. He watched Golduck gently stroke Shelton’s cheek, a peculiar milky glow beginning to take shape around his head. He placed Shelton in Dorian’s arms, pushing her against him to make sure he had a strong grip.

    Faster than Dorian could think, he, Shelton, and their Pokemon were yanked upwards and shoved to the right, high above the incoming stampede of rock Pokemon. They flew through the air, being guided by Golduck’s formidable mind. Dorian saw everything, he felt all of it. His group was guided into the crater the earlier explosion had made, being pushed tenderly out of harm’s way.

    Just before they passed below the lip of the crater, Dorian saw the rock Pokemon race towards Golduck, he saw the mauve energy around Golduck flare brightly as they reached him, and as the first attack connected, he saw the sapphire Pokemon explode.
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2012
  7. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Lone Vanguard

    Very slight typo.

    This part is awkwardly formatted. Nothing wrong, just odd in the middle of a sentence.

    There needs to be an a before large.

    There. It did it again.

    I didn't spot anything else wrong. I'm sad now. With that cliffhanger I think Golduck is dead. So much action this chapter. You know I'm surprised there wasn't a Golem among them. If I remember correctly you said that all the Golem left right? Looks like Shelton will be out for a while. A superb chapter that was written very well. I love that the Pokemon feel so attached to their trainers. Shows how much they care. I'll be back for chapter 7.
  8. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie "It is my destiny."

    My review as promised.

    I'm impressed, it's almost hard to believe this is your first attempt at fan fiction. However, I have no doubt you read extensively, and you kept in mind the formatting of a story. Thus, I see great works coming from you in the future if you keep this up. You are just what we need. I always say there needs to be a good generation of writers to replace us when we leave. New writers like you gives closure. It also helps you are accepting of criticism, a skill that tends to take years for a newbie to accept. This is a mind-set you shall have for the rest of your life.

    I also admire you going back to fix any little mistakes your readers point out to you. Because of that, I saw very few mistakes. The ones I do tend to be some out-of-place commas, and homonym mix-ups like "where" and "were", but these are few and spread out. A careful proof-read before the upload helps greatly.

    I feel we are still technically in the exposition stage, but we are seeing what is the rising action, the first of many dangers these characters will face. We aren't exactly that introduced to the plot yet, but your little clues about these flakes and this obsidian artifact are the pieces that form the plot. I take it this is a mystery/adventure story. You did a marvelous job introducing the mystery in the prologue and showing who may be the anti-hero, and I say that because I doubt he is in control of his actions, per say. These "voices" he is hearing may be the real antagonist, but we shall see in the future. This character, Ethan, and the flakes are what may be the links that are holding this story together. That doesn't mean I prefer him over the other characters, Dorian and Shelton and their Pokémon are great as well, but there is still some part of them I feel hasn't been revealed to us yet about their personalities. You pretty much down-right show that Ethan is a mysterious person, and is the link. While he should be the main focus, to have him work in the background is a nice touch. He keeps himself secluded because we know that he provides answers to this mystery.

    I like how you handle these encounters in a realistic sense. You aren't afraid to show just how violent and dangerous Pokémon battles can be. I was specifically intrigued by Trapinch's evolution. While it was rather quick when in reality it should've been a slow process as it gradually grows to a Vibrava, it was an interesting detail in the growth of a little creature growing vertically and sprouting wings. I especially liked how you mentioned it was bloody and messy. I expect more depictions of evolution like this in the future, it's something I haven't seen before, if this hasn't be depicted in other writings yet. If so, kudos to you!

    With that said, this chapter was very action-packed, I have no idea how I managed to keep up with it. Like what Shadow Lucario said, there's that saddening possibility Golduck has been killed off. This isn't a bad thing, though. Don't ever be afraid to kill off characters when the plot calls for it, that is a sign the writer has balls and isn't afraid to take a risk at the expense of their readers, but it helps when it's done well. A lot of professional writers do this, and some do it splendidly, while others don't. Especially if it's a fake-out death, this can infuriate readers just as much. There has to be a reasonable explanation as to how it is the character avoided death so narrowly, or we will assume you pulled it out of your behind to save your behind. And yes, that is a warning.

    I'd like to be on the PM list, please. I would love to see where this goes from here, and also to keep an eye on it. I hope to see improvement between your first and last chapter when we reach the end. That is one of the greatest accomplishments you can make to know you have learned something new and further developed your own writing ability (which I can see you already have your own style).
  9. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    I liked how, with all the action, you included everyone’s actions rather than just one or two peoples’. It really helped add to the chaos of the situation, and your awesome description only helped that. It was intense, realistic, and the cliffhanger was well-placed and very effective given the situation.

    This seems a bit difficult to believe when Dorian can’t understand pokémon, as he says so himself shortly after this. It made me think that he should have had at least a little more control of the situation given this talent of his. It also makes me wonder why Dorian never asked any of the pokémon to try to talk some sense into the Graveler for him.

    My only other complaint is that you used the word “however” an awful lot. It wasn’t enough to distract from the story, but it was enough to catch my attention. Otherwise, I could find nothing wrong with this. I eagerly await the next chapter~
  10. Glover

    Glover Pain in Rocket side

    Alright, so I think with the little time I seem to have, I'm going to leave you in the careful hands of the previous reviwers and pick up the detailing here. I just can't do you the justice for it.

    So here's CH6

    Note the semicolon, there.
    I'm seeing this a lot in your chapter, you're awfully wordy here. Descriptors are good things, sure, but pronouns exist for a reason and yearn to be put to use, they make things flow more quickly, whcih for me is the difference odf visual ansd visual in a frame-by-frame slow motion. The other thing that can help is to klighten the use of compound sentances, especially here where each part carries a heavy meaning. It's pain and suffering, each sentence is about that.

    Nitpick here, "rolling" is a method of travelling for Graveller, and having them stomp and pound while in a balled-up state is contradictory.

    "Chunked" is a new one to me. I assume this is synonomous to "chucked" or "hurled".

    Oh I see, you used chucked a bit earlier, needed a new word I bet. Hmm.

    A very good job of walking us through Nuzleaf's attacks without telling them. Even without the names I knew what he was doing through there.

    I'd dump that first part. You're trying to tell us that Nuzleaf still had ahold of Machop, but it makes it sound like Machop's hand is still attached to his arm, as opposed to it not, and it really doesn't add much to the sentence. I'm curious how many hands a Machamp would have it evolved from a one-handed Machop...

    Good use of being a ghost, although awkward wording and a bit of an invincibility problem.

    Favorite. scene. When I fgrow up iw ant to write wildife encounters just like you do.

    Pun funny. And who says Pokemon cannot speak in Human?

    Discrepency there. if Nuzleaf is made of wood, then Graveller is rock, no? Especially when yo umention ivory teeth. That should have hurt, Dorian should have felt that a lot worse than the Graveller did.

    Being makes for an odd tense for "Pushed out of harms way." I'd can being, and turn that comma into another semi-colon. Also, this seems a bit convoluted for Golduck to do. Maybe it's me, but straight teleportationwould to me be the most logical and simple way to do this, also if I were an enraged Graveller and my opponents were flying away visibly, I'd be hurling rocks like an anti-aircraft gun until they were cloer or out of reach.

    Man, Shelton's going to absolutely KILL Dorian for this shortcut. He's gonna get his aft chewed out SO bad for letting her Pokemon die. He won't be able to sit for weeks when she wakes up, and he better hope for his sake that in a few chapterss time (Make us wait for dramatic effect) a Golduck is rescued by some contruction workers from absolute carnage or he's gonna get castrated.

    Poor Machop's gona go off the deepend, I can see it now. he's either going to be an extremely sheltered boy who says and does nothing, or he's going to absolutely snap and kill everything that even LOOKs like a rock.

    Overall though, a powerful chapter and well written. I'm loving the characters and you're portrying them well. Even the "bad guys", My heart goes out for the fallen Graveller, and their bretheren avenging is extremely real. Very well done.
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2012
  11. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Lone Vanguard

    Then you don't know what I'm talking about. I was referring to the weird break in the sentence.
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2012
  12. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    @ Shadow Lucario

    They were out exploring for new territory. Can't believe I forgot to put that in.

    @ diamondpearl876

    Thnks for pointing that out. To be completely honest, I didn't even think about that

    Thanks for pointing that out as well, I'll be sure to keep that in mind from now on.

    @ Kutie Pie

    I know exactly what you mean. Everyone we'll see the fate of Golduck and Machop in the next chapter, but just so you know, I'm not afraid to do it at all. Situations happen that not everyone survives. That's life, and it doesn't make sense that charcters, even main ones, don't die.

    I felt like you hit Ethan perfectly by the way. That's his role for now, but it wont always be that way. Reading what you thought of him matched my notes on him almost exactly. Good work

    @ Glover

    Thanks for bringing that to my attention. Looking back, I understand what you mean and I'll do my best to work on it.

    lol, its Southern USA slang, and yes, I used it because I needed another word for threw

    I see what you mean. The way I pictured ghost Pokemon in the real world, is that they could phase through almost anything if they were focused solely on that. If they were attacking, hit from behind, or hit too fast for them to focus, they would not be able to phase through anything.

    I don't think it hurt the Graveler at all, just sent him a step backwards and his legs kept moving. Dorian kinda just pushed him in the direction he wanted to go. And yeah, Dorian will be hurting, its something I already planned for the next chapter. Good eye

    That does make sense, however that's not an ability I've ever seen a Golduck have, and not one that I can realistically see one having either. It's a good idea, and I considered the same thing, but ultimately it didn't feel right to me. And since Golduck stopped the stones thrown at Shelton earlier by the Graveler leader, my thought was that they wanted to take care of him first before they attacked the others in the circle. Shut down the source, and you take care of the unpredictable telekinesis problem.

    And yeah Glover, Shelton is going to be pissed haha

    Thank you all for your reviews, I really appreciate it. Ya'll helping me out is the only reason I'm able to continue and improve my writing. I can't believe I got so many good responses. It really was my favorite chapter to write, and I'm glad you guys enjoyed it as well. New chapter should be up by Friday or so.
  13. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Well, here's the newest chapter. It came out shorter than I would have liked, but I think I captured what I wanted pretty well. Thanks to everyone for their continued support, it's much appreciated.



    Dorian inhaled deeply, trying to calm down his swiftly beating heart. He looked around, taking an inventory of his group that was scattered around the crater. Growlithe was sitting a few feet to his left, licking Shelton’s face in an effort to wake her. Nuzleaf and Shuppet were lying beside each other, both still unconscious. Vibrava was staggering to his feet, shaking his head furiously in an effort to wake himself up. Looking past the dragon Pokemon, Dorian spied Machop.

    The fighting Pokemon was barely breathing now; holding on beyond what Dorian thought was possible. His teal skin was covered in blood from the countless cuts that littered his frame. Not only that, but Dorian could tell that most of his bones were broken from the way the fighting Pokemon’s skin sagged in places where it used to be pulled taut.

    Dust drifted down into the hole they were residing in, the aftermath of Golduck’s psychic explosion. Sunlight glinted off the particles as they fell, making it hard to see the sky against the endless wave of specks. The silence in the crater shocked Dorian almost as much as the battle that had just taken place. After going from the sounds and smells of the chaos that had broken out earlier, the silence seemed even more foreign. It put Dorian more on edge, as he kept expecting the other proverbial shoe to drop.

    “Vibrava, just sit there,” Dorian said. “I think it’s over. If you keep it up you’re going to hurt yourself.”

    “Ava,” he acquiesced, falling back to his stomach and closing his eyes.

    Satisfied that the newly evolved Pokemon wasn’t going to overexert himself, Dorian lifted himself up. Waving his hands to clear the puffs of dirt in his face, he walked over to Shelton and knelt down. Growlithe backed up as he approached, understanding that his approach of ‘lick and wake’ was failing.

    “Growlithe, go find the bags we dropped!” Dorian ordered. “They have medicine.”

    “Groo?” Growlithe asked.

    “Bags!” Dorian shouted. “Get the bags!”

    “Growlithe!” the fire type growled.

    “Look, get the bags or I’m going to beat the hell out of you!” Dorian screamed.

    After another menacing growl, Growlithe did as he was told, spinning around and scaling the side of the crater.

    Dorian turned his attention back to Shelton, turning his head to gauge the severity of the cut on her forehead. It wasn’t very deep, but like most head wounds, it was bleeding profusely, obscuring her soft features under a veil of red. Using the sleeve of his shirt he wiped away as much as he could, stopping when the arm of his shirt began sticking to his skin. Able to see her face again, Dorian lightly shook her. It had no effect, as she stayed thoroughly rooted in sleep.

    “Groo!” a voice called from above.

    Dorian looked up as their bags landed beside him and Shelton, making a mental note to apologize to Growlithe once the situation was wrapped up. Digging through his pack, he came up with a vial of smelling salt. Usually used to wake a fainted Pokemon from unconsciousness, Dorian knew from experience that it had the same effect on humans. Ignoring the label on the vial that boasted the hazards of human inhalation, he broke the top and shoved it underneath Shelton’s nose.

    “Huhhh!” Shelton exhaled, bolting upright.

    Her head was spinning, the result of the smelling salt instructing her brain to release adrenaline into her bloodstream in torrents. Her breathing quickened, teetering on the edge of hyperventilation. Her eyes were wild, scanning left and right, catching glimpses of their bruised and battered Pokemon lying all around them. When she saw Dorian on his knees in front of her, she started sobbing. Springing forward, she grabbed his head in her hands, her questions coming in between frantic gasps of air.

    “Where are they?” she cried. “Dorian, don’t lie to me. Where are they? P-please tell me, please tell me.”

    “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Dorian assured her, lowering her hands and pulling her close.

    “No dammit!” Shelton shouted, breaking his hold on her. “Where are they!? Just t-tell me. Please tell me.”

    “Machop is hurt really bad. The rockslide crushed him. Most of his bones are broken, but he’s breathing,” Dorian explained. “Shuppet’s fine, one of her attacks bounced off my Pokeflect and hit her, but I think she’s okay.”

    “W-what do you mean, her attacks?” Shelton asked. “Why was she attacking you?”

    “She wasn’t attacking me,” Dorian said. “She was protecting us. Shelton calm down, you have to calm down. Take a deep breath, I’ll explain, but you have to get your breathing under control.”

    She did as she was told, halting the quick gulps of air and forcing herself to breathe more regularly. “What happened?”

    Dorian took a breath; this was going to be extremely difficult. He recounted how the Geodude and Graveler had attacked, and how their leader had put Shelton into the ground to kill her. He went on to explain how Vibrava had saved Golduck, and in turn, how Golduck dug Shelton out of the ground. He told her quickly that he had gotten loose and gathered the others, all the while directing their Pokemon on how to protect them. Tears formed in his eyes when he got to the hardest part. Dorian told Shelton how outnumbered they became, and then how Golduck had saved them.

    “W-what do you mean, he exploded?” Shelton asked, her voice catching in her throat.

    “He’s dead Shelton,” Dorian said. “I saw, s-saw the energy discharge from his head right before the rock Pokemon hit him. He couldn’t have survived it. I mean, I saw it swallow his body.”

    “I don’t believe you!” Shelton screamed! “Why did you leave him out there!?”

    “Shelton, I didn’t leave him out there. He yanked us up, I had no control over it.”

    “Why are you doing this to me!?”

    “Shelton, calm down. I’m not doing anything. He needed to save you, so he made a judgment call. That’s it.”

    “You’re lying!” she yelled, shoving Dorian backwards and jumping to her feet. “He’s not gone! He wouldn’t do that!”

    “Shelton, you need to calm down,” Dorian said, taking small steps towards her, arms outstretched.

    Shelton backed up several paces, her hands hooking into claws. Golduck couldn't be dead! He wouldn't leave her, not like this, not ever. She drug her hands across her scalp, trying in vain to tear the thought away. She looked around, studying the scene before her. Tears came faster when she saw Machop’s body, pitching her into even more despair. His frail frame was broken, his legs bent into odd angles. She rushed forward, only to stop in place. Golduck and Machop, both of them were hurt. Shelton knew Golduck wasn’t dead; it wasn’t even something she could comprehend. She was stuck in place, unable to decide what to do. She wanted to climb out of the crater and find Golduck, but at the same time she couldn’t just leave Machop. Indecision rooted her, turned her into molasses. Time slowed, her thoughts became even more muddled. Machop or Golduck, Machop or Golduck?

    “Shelton,” Dorian whispered. “Go help Machop, I’ll go find Golduck. Give me his Pokeball.”

    “O-okay,” Shelton replied, handing over Golduck’s Pokeball. “Tell him I’ll be there in a minute.”

    “Shelton, he-“ Dorian started.

    “Just tell him!” she screamed.

    Upon seeing her desperation and how fast the tears were coming now, he nodded in agreement. He watched her sprint towards the far end of the crater towards Machop, grabbing her pack as she ran. Dorian swallowed to steady himself. His own emotions were welling up in his gut, and it took everything he had to keep them at bay. He had to be strong for Shelton now; he had to keep her stable. She was likely to fracture if something happened to one of her Pokemon, much less two. Dorian knew she was capable of a complete mental breakdown and that she was well on her way. He didn’t want to see the devastation Golduck had released on the other side of the hole; but if Shelton saw him go, it might calm her down enough to intelligently decide on the next course of action for Machop.

    Dorian winced slightly as he climbed the gentle slope. The cuts on his arms from the Graveler who had held him hostage were burning in the dust filled air. Every time he grabbed a rock to steady himself on the climb, sharp slivers of pain raced across them. The lacerations were hardly severe, but as he flexed his arms, they widened, causing him even more pain. He straightened up quickly as he got to the top of the crater, unprepared for the sight that lay before him.

    The psychic explosion Golduck had summoned had devastated the evolving road. The spot where Golduck had stood was a normal shade of dirt brown, but starting a few inches away and ending at Dorian’s crater shelter, the ground and rock had been burned black. Deep fissures had been carved in the ground and what was left of the rock wall to the right, their pattern jagged and chaotic. A few shapes moved here and there, rock Pokemon that had survived. Many though, had not been so lucky. Dorian saw piles of blackened rock everywhere, most of them so jagged he couldn’t tell if they were Pokemon at all. It was at that moment that he saw a strange light.
    Scattered around the boulders and piles of former rock Pokemon, stones hypnotically glowed lilac. They thrummed softly like a heartbeat, radiating brighter, then dimmer in random sequence. It was actually quite magical to behold amongst all the devastation. The stones put his troubled mind at ease, soothing his thoughts as he walked past them. Careful to not touch any of the assuredly dead Pokemon, he reached down and touched one of the glowing stones.

    “Ahh!” Dorian yelled, jumping back in surprise.

    As his fingers had grazed the stone, an icy spike had driven itself against his mind. The pain was agonizing, assaulting his thoughts like a corkscrew being driven into his brain. As soon as his hand left it, the pain stopped, leaving Dorian shivering in a cold sweat. He passed the rock by his foot and tried to fit all the glowing stones into his field of vision. They no longer pulsed with soft light; their glow had grown darker, more sinister. They now flashed with a hungry vigor, taking their appearance from a low candle to that of a strobe light. Golduck’s explosion had done more than cripple the rock Pokemon threatening them; his psychic essence had bonded itself to the rocks all around, turning the road into a mental minefield. As Dorian shook his head to clear his mind, he saw Golduck.

    The duck Pokemon was firmly embedded in the rock wall in front of Dorian. His tongue hung limp out of his open bill, saliva dripping down to pool on the ground below. Golduck’s lifeless pupils were dilated to the extreme, speaking volumes of the inactivity behind them. As Dorian kept looking up, he saw that the small jewel in Golduck’s forehead had shattered, leaving a gaping hole. Lavender psychic energy drifted lazily out of the gap in his skull, forming a bubble above Golduck’s head.

    “Dammit,” Dorian muttered, no longer able to hold back tears.

    They streamed from his eyes in waves, splashing against the blackened ground below. Hanging his head, Dorian raised Golduck’s pokeball and activated the return button. Just as a red beam leapt from the ball and arced towards Golduck, Dorian remembered that it was pointless; it was impossible to call back dead Pokemon.
    Regardless of Dorian’s intentions, the red beam continued forward, striking the sapphire avian in the sternum. Golduck’s body morphed into solid energy and returned to his Pokeball. Dorian stared at the red and ivory ball in his hand, a few tears rolling sideways off of its glossy surface.



    Shelton was crouched over Machop, the contents of her bag dumped into a pile by her side. She had sprayed the worst of Machop’s bloody wounds with potions and watched as his battered teal skin began to slowly knit itself back together. When the wounds on his arms, legs, and chest had closed back up, she balled up a spare shirt. Taking great care, she slid her hand under Machop’s head and pushed the shirt underneath, flinching when she saw that her hand was now covered in blood.

    “No!” she sobbed, slapping her hands against the ground. “No, no, no!”

    Tears began rolling across her cheeks again, called forth by another wave of emotion that racked her body. Shelton turned her head and dry heaved, cringing when hot bile caught in her throat. Breathing heavily, she turned back to Machop, trying to decide on her next course of action. She couldn’t roll him over to the side to assess the damage to his head without injuring him further, but she couldn’t let the injury to his head continue bleeding either. She sobbed harder when she realized that it didn’t matter, as most of his bones were broken anyway.

    She looked up as she heard Dorian and Growlithe approaching from the left, her eyes darting to Dorian’s face and then to the pokeball clutched in his left hand.

    “Is he-,” Shelton started, finding herself unable to finish the question.

    “He’s alive,” Dorian replied, kneeling down next to her. “I don’t know how he survived, but we have to get him to Viridian right now.”

    Whispering a prayer of thanks, she asked, “What about Machop?”

    “We’ll have to return him and hope we can get there in time too.”

    “If we put him in his ball, the stress of shrinking could kill him.”

    “What do you think is going to happen if we just leave him out?”

    “I know!” Shelton cried! “Just let me think for a second!”

    “Did you spray the worst of the wounds?” Dorian asked.

    “Yes,” Shelton said. “But I think he has a fracture in the back of his head because it’s bleeding really bad. We can’t flip him because he might go into shock.”

    “Did you try just lifting his head to see how bad it is?”

    “No, I think most of his vertebrae are broken, I didn’t want to risk it.”

    “Okay, did you tr-“ Dorian began.

    “I know what to do, Dorian!” Shelton yelled, shoving him backwards.

    “Stop!” Dorian ordered. “I’m just trying to help. I c-can’t, I don’t know what to do.”

    “I’m sorry,” Shelton said. “I’m sorry, I just, I don’t know, I don’t know.”

    “Hey,” Dorian said, pulling her hand into his. “It’s okay. Let’s just take this one step at a time. Think back to class. What do we do?”

    “I think that if we can mo-“ Shelton started, breaking off from her statement and uttering a small whimper.

    Machop’s eyelids were fluttering. Shelton drew in a sharp breath and stopped moving, focusing all her attention on her broken Pokemon. As she watched, his eyelids opened again and quickly closed. He repeated this several times before they slowly slid open and stayed that way. As his eyes found Shelton, he let out a soft moan that was cut off by the sound of liquid sloshing in his throat.

    “There he is,” Shelton cooed. “There’s my sweetheart.”

    Machop didn’t reply, just stared at Shelton.

    “I need you to do something for me sweetie. I need you to stay awake okay? Dorian and I are going to get you to the Pokemon Center in Viridian and you’ll be okay. I just need you to stay awake. Can you do that for me?”

    Again, Machop didn’t reply, he just kept staring at Shelton’s face.

    “I’ll make you a deal,” Shelton said, her tears splashing across Machop’s chest. “If you stay awake for me I’ll sing you your favorite song. Remember your song?”
    Machop’s eyes widened slightly for a moment, then started to work their way down again.

    “I’ll just sing it for you then, and you can stay awake, and we’ll get you to the Pokemon Center, okay?”

    Bending down closer to Machop’s head, Shelton sang, “Sunshine, my darling sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, please don’t take, my sunshine away…

    Machop’s eyes closed completely.

    “No Machop, no, no,” Shelton cried. “You have to stay awake. Okay? Okay?”

    “Shelton,” Dorian said. “We have to chance it, if we don’t; he’s going to die right here.”

    Ignoring Dorian, Shelton continued talking to Machop. “Sweetie you have to stay awake, okay? You have to fight it. You have to power through. I love you with all my heart Machop and I need you to fight. Please.”

    “Shel-“ Dorian started.

    “Shut up!” Shelton screamed. “Dammit Machop, just fight! Fight it! Your whole life you’ve been afraid of everything! I don’t know why and I don’t care, but this one time I need you to fight! Please!”

    Caught up in the moment and not understanding that she may be causing even more damage, Shelton grabbed Machop’s hands and started squeezing them harshly. “Fight! Just fight it dammit! Fight!"

    All of a sudden, Machop’s eyes flew open again. His body began to spasm uncontrollably, his hands tearing out of Shelton’s grasp and beating themselves against the ground. Machop bellowed, causing Dorian to grab Shelton and pull her backwards in alarm. As the pair watched, the pigment in Machop’s skin suddenly changed, becoming a creamy blue. His cranium split open and three bony crests forced themselves out of his skull, blood squirting out to form a halo around his head. The muscles in his arms, legs, and abdomen bulged unnaturally and expanded, becoming hard and thick. Inside Machop’s body, his bones snapped even more and repaired themselves instantly as his brain sent commands to flash generate calcium. Machop screamed again as the newly repaired bones stretched themselves, lengthening his torso and legs. With one final spasm, his face contorted, stretching itself wide, his mouth boasting two new pairs of razor sharp fangs.

    “Choke,” Machop wheezed.

    Shelton and Dorian stared in disbelief at the mound of muscle lying in front of them, mentally unable to utter a single word. Simultaneously, they both reached out to touch Machop, or rather the Machoke that had taken his place. When their fingers traced their way up and down his unblemished skin, they felt hard muscle, followed by strong, solid bone. Disbelief flashed across their faces as they probed every inch of the unconscious Pokemon, marveling in the power of his evolution.

    “Shelton, I just, I think he’s okay,” Dorian stated.

    “I think he is too,” Shelton agreed, fresh tears coming to her eyes.

    “Look alright, I think we can put him back in his ball now. We have to get to Viridian though. Golduck is just as bad, if not worse.”

    “What did he look like?” Shelton asked, looking away from Machop and up into Dorian’s face.

    “Listen, we don’t have time, we have to go.”

    “Okay,” Shelton said, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “Let’s go.”

    With the exception of the upstart Growlithe, they both returned their Pokemon to their respective balls and shouldered their packs. Shelton accepted Golduck’s pokeball when Dorian offered it, clutching it to her chest for safety. She stared at the shiny surface of the ball, whispering a quick prayer for her Pokemon’s health.

    “Growlithe,” Dorian called, summoning his Pokemon to his feet.

    “Groo,” Growlithe said sharply.

    “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier.” Dorian explained. “As you can imagine, I was a bit caught in the moment and I’m sorry. We have to get to Viridian or Golduck might not make it. Be mad at me if you want, but I need your help.”

    “Growlithe,” the dog Pokemon huffed, keeping his fangs exposed.

    “Good. I don’t know if there are any rock Pokemon left, so I need you to stay a little bit ahead and warn us if any more pop out. Can you do that?”

    “Groogroo!” Growlithe answered, puffing up his chest.

    “Thanks,” Dorian said, ruffling his mane. Turning to Shelton, he seized her hand and squeezed. He looked into her eyes and nodded, smiling as best as he could. She distractedly smiled back and wiped her eyes. Growlithe roared a challenge and started trotting up the side of the crater with Dorian and Shelton close behind. As the trio reached the top of hole, they started sprinting.
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2012
  14. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Lone Vanguard

    Another great chapter. Nothing popped out to me as a mistake. It was average length so not too short, not too long. Still really good. Shelton must not have been in a situation like that before. Poor girl. Golduck is alive I hope. I still love your take on evolution. It's much more in depth than the whole begin to glow and change form. So kudos on that. I hope they can get to Viridian soon. The poor Pokemon need a rest. Keep it up. Until next time!
  15. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie "It is my destiny."

    Awww, you almost broke our hearts x3. But still, it was a rather melancholy chapter. It's funny how music can affect parts of a story and really make you feel the emotion. I listened to such music during Shelton's tending to Machop, and... oh gosh... the music intensified at the part where he was falling out of consciousness, and it got my eyes teary.

    But the Internet's a little slow, so the music hadn't loaded all the way.

    So as you can tell, that ruined the moment a little bit.

    Still, that doesn't mean it ruined the chapter's quality, because it's still a good chapter. It's rather gruesome, though, but not enough to warrant a higher rating. So yeah XD.

    And there's another evolution scene, bravo! Evolution's a bitch to the Pokémon, it's a quick, painful process instead of slow and steady, lol. But it's still a neat little (bloody) scene.

    Keep up the good work!
  16. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    @ Shadow Lucario

    Me too!

    Thanks! It always made sense to me since almost every Pokemon that evolves completely changes their physical form.

    @ Kutie Pie

    You're completely right. I listened to Van Morrison through about half your fic in fact, lol.

    To be honest, I was concerned about that when I posted it, so I'm glad you brough that up. I wasn't sure if I should have upgraded it, but I decided to stick with my gut and I guess it turned out okay.

    Thanks to both of you guys for reviewing, I really appreciate it! I'm glad you all liked it. Chapter 8 is about halfway finished, and should be posted by Friday.
  17. Glover

    Glover Pain in Rocket side

    Length schmength. I wouldn't worry about the length of the story. As long as it makes the Serebii minimum, it;ll be as long or as short as it needs to be to get the job done. I had a (wonderful) english teacher who told us "I'd rather get a well written report that's the shortest possible paper than one that's full of unneeded padding and looks like its padded." I like her.

    I love where this scene is going, but I'm not quite sure it's all there yet. To my eyes, when I read this, there needs to be a pause between "Get the bags or" and Dorian's threat. Even when he's under pressure, I can't see him making threats to his Pokemon without cause or hesitation. In that same vein, I can't quite get it to make sense as a spoken threat. To me, it wants to be a gesture of some kind, possibly backed up by some kind of insult.

    "Dammit, the bags! Get the bags you miserable mutt!" he said swatting at the Growlithe.

    Granted, Pokemon ARE much more intelleigent, but I have a tendency to handle Dogmon from the aspect of owning a real dog. the threat comes from visual cues and tone of voice, not from what he's actually saying. To Growlithe, he probably sounds like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon.

    Ah, the age old medical peradox: if saomeone is injured and losing that much blood, is it better to wake them so they are conscious, or leave them blissfully unconscious and there fore unawaere of how much pain they're in?

    Obvoiusly, Dorian's not a doctor.

    One other little comment, but to say that "Dorian discovered" makes it sound like this is a breakthrough in medicine thanks to him, and without anything to check that statement, its in enough fics that it's not really a new thing, and I suspect any deperate trainer would try anthing.

    This speaks volumes for Shelton's character, that her first thoughts were to her Pokemon, and not herself, her condition, date and time, etc.

    needs a comma after Shelton, me thinks. Also, consider being more liberal with your exclamation points here. Dorian's trying to keep her calm, but he's still a bit riled himself and I can't help but wonder if he wouldn't start yelling back at her since she is attacking him, and then perhaps checking himself and taking a breath to calm himself. It would add a bit more emotion, I think.

    Whoopsy! Got oen too many new lines in there.

    Ooh! Fun concept.

    That's what I'm thinking, that what is extremely misinformative. If that's supposed to be Dorian being shocked that it worked, then it'ss not all that neccesary. If it has something to do with the crying Pokeball, or pobssibly water flowing in strange directions, then it needs a little more more information with it.

    The very first No can carry its own exclamation point here, to show frustration. The last one defi natley should, to reflect her tantrum of sorts, and the ones in the middle can go either way.

    Moar esclamashuns! Moar emoshuns! MOAR POWER!!!

    Hmm, now you've got an interesting elemia here. Shrinking? I can certainly understand mass-energy conversion being a beeotch on such an unstable body, but I can never get behind shrunken Pokemon.

    One more, and then I'll shut up about continuity. When Trapinch evolved, he went from basically healthy to feeling a bit ill. To have Machoke miracously be okay after being hit by a small county, I can't buy it. Bones healed and muscle repaired, sure Makes sense, but physically, your verison of evolution is draining, and Machop had nothing to go on. At the very least, I feel like that muscle ought to be a lot less taut than normal, and he should be somewhere between anemic and malnourished because of it. I do like your style of evolution though, which is a nice compromise between the bright white flash of light and the growth-cycle style, which I feel creates to many inbetween stages for Pokemon that are both awkward and vulnrable. (Like Remoraid, jhalfway through evolution, it's got what, this big blocky boat anchor of a head, a small body, no fins for swimming movement, these dinky little limp thingys that aren't long enough to move its revolver-like body yet, shall i continue?)

    See what happens ehen you tell a convincing story?

    Somebody carries a grudge, I guess I know who Dorian ISN'T getting a christmas card from this year...

    Loved the story though, even for my nitpicks. Nothing really grabbed me spelling wise, that's always a good thing. I hate being grabbed by documents, its hard on the monitor. :phht!
  18. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    Period at the end, not comma.
    I agree when Glover says that saying he “discovered” this was odd. You could just explain where he’s used this tactic before so that we know how he knows it works for humans.

    Comma after “Shelton”, not a period. Also, Dorian seems awfully calm for having a pokémon just die. Why is that? Glover says that Shelton should be showing more emotion, but I think it’s Dorian who isn’t showing much emotion. You say he feels emotion later, but shouldn’t it also be present in his voice? Even if he’s trying to stay strong for Shelton, I’m sure he’d falter a bit so soon after the incident

    This sentence doesn’t make much sense. Golduck isn’t capable of dying? Everyone is capable of dying. Also not sure what you mean when he says “he would not”.
    I particularly liked this part. Good description and sounds like a pretty sight (despite everything).
    Wouldn’t Shelton show some sort of relief? She shows no emotion here. Also, it should be “we have to get him to Viridian right now.”

    Anyway, this was a very well-written emotional chapter. Last chapter there was a lot of action and you needed to give your readers a break from the action so they could survey the damage, and you did just that. Emotion was missing in some spots I pointed out, but when it was there, it was written perfectly. I also found Machop’s evolution to be interesting. He’s obviously not 100% okay since he’s still barely conscious, but he was able to fight (for once?) and use the only survival tactic he had left without knowing it would work for sure. I also liked how Growlithe was most upset about Dorian forcing him to do things rather than the idea of dead pokémon. It shows how new he is to the team and how he doesn’t quite care for any of them yet. I also hope to see that change sometime. I have nothing else to say except that I look forward to the next chapter!
  19. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    @ Glover

    Noted, thanks for the helpful advice

    I didn't look at it that way. Thanks for bringing that up, I'll be sure to keep it in mind.

    YES SIR! That is assuming you're a guy, which im pretty sure you are, haha

    That's exactly what I meant. The process of being put back into a pokeball. I guess I did use some awkward wording

    Well, where I was going with that, was that Trapinch evolved more of what would be considered the traditional way of battling and gaining experience until he had enough to evolve, whereas Machop evolved out of necessity to save his life. It was more of a reflex for him given his situation. A body wants to survive, and I tried my best to show that. I suppose what kicked him into action was Shelton screaming at him to do SOMETHING. The sound of her voice triggered something that made his body react. Since Pokemon undergo a complete physical change when they evolve, I guess it was the only way his body saw as a way to survive the massive trauma he experienced. If that makes sense?

    @ diamondpearl876

    You're both right. I adjusted what I wrote so I think that it makes more sense now. Thanks to both of you for bringing that to my attention.

    Well, I think he was still in shock somewhat from the battle, he was still on edge. Also, Dorian is a real visual person, and doesnt react as intensely to a situation if he's not there to see it. Which is why he finally broke down once he saw Golduck embedded in the wall. I'm sure he was tore up about everything that happened, but since everything had happened so fast, I think he felt a bit numb to all of it. I need to do a better job describing that.

    You're right. I was writing the scene so fast and got so caught up in what was happening, that it just stuck there. I removed it, and am much happier about it. Thanks for bringing it to my attention

    I added a line of dialogue to express the relief she felt. It looks much better and works much better. She did feel relief when Dorian told her that, I guess in my rush I just forgot to put it in.

    Thanks to both of you for your continued feedback. It means alot to have all of you continue reading and helping out. If there was one thing that I gathered from all of you, its that I need to SLOW DOWN. Sometimes I just get lost in this world and forget to take my time. I get so involved with my characters that I forget that I need to make them relateable and cohesive for my readers. I know how their lives and their stories unfold, but no one else does. So I need to take more care to express their ideas and situation so that more people can understand what's going on in my head. Thanks alot for the reviews!
  20. Glover

    Glover Pain in Rocket side

    Sorry, I'm not speaking as clearly as I ought to. No, that part makes perfect sense, you're right, an evolution resetting everything to zero is good for healing, what I'm getting at is more of the aftermath, and that Trapinch evolved fully healtyhy, knowing he was going to evolve, and more than likely, his body had been preparing for such things (which possibly caused the seizures) by storing food, and the things it needed to make a Vibrava. What I'm getting at, is BECAUSE Machop evolved on an instinct, he evolved with nothing in the tank, no sotred fat, no exrtra minerals for building bone, no nothing.

    Oh, and this:

    You're story, do what you feel is right, but I feel that bit is neccesary.

    "He culdn't die, he can't die" isn't talking about his mortality. That's Shelton screaming at the Heavens, denying herself reality. It's "He can't die! Not yet, I still need him! Don't Take my Golduck away now!" We humans are stubborn things, think we can boss fate around and lots of published stories, movies, etc. will use the same phrase. That's all that line is saying, and it added so much to Shelton's emotional plea.

    And yes, it's can't not wouldn't.
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2012

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