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Requiem (PG-13)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Sidewinder, Mar 12, 2012.

  1. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    Makes sense. It's not that you have to describe it better, I guess that I thought of it as an odd reaction at first since you haven't really shown Dorian as a visual person before yet, but now it makes sense.
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2012
  2. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've had alot to do. Anyway, I like the developing feel of adventure which has been getting stronger, as well as the way you have captured the emotions of panic and confusion very well. Can't wait for more!

  3. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    @ Glover

    You're right, He didn't have any of that. Basiccally what I was going on was that unexpected things happen sometimes. Like all the stories you hear of a 120 pound man lifting a car off of his daughter. If that makes sense lol. Something inside Machop clicked, and his body defied what would usually be possible. He wasn't ready, and that's going to affect the rest of his life. I'll expand on that more as chapters progress.

    I think you're right. I looked at your and diamondpearl876's advice, and I guess I got confused as to what you meant, and what diamondpearl876 meant. I put them both together and was confused, so I thought it better to take it out. diamondpearl876 was right, the wording made it unclear, but you were right too, it really did add emotion. I'm going back to put that bit in for the last time, this time in the right way so that it makes sense for everyone. Thanks for the advice!

    @ diamondpearl876

    Thanks for the contiued advice. I blended what you and Glover said, and I'm pretty happy with the result. Thanks!

    @ Scaldever

    Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate you taking the time to stop in. And believe me, I hope he's not dead either.
  4. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    All Ethan chapter! I was really excited about this, and I think it came out pretty well. To everyone who has been following and helping me out, thanks. All of you are really helpful in helping me make a great story. Thanks!


    Ethan watched the brown gravel road rush up to meet him and an Alakazam like a giant baseball bat, its marred surface eager to squash them into oblivion. However, they landed lightly, both somewhat shaky on their feet after having spent so much time in the air. As he checked the surrounding area for anyone who might have seen them touch down, he spied a small house a little further down the road. It looked almost lonely; as if it was somewhat depressed it was empty. He thought it was strange that the road ended at that particular house. The road was quite long, and it was kind of a letdown that it ended with such a ramshackle cottage.

    He looked over at Alakazam, taking in the sight of his drooping mustache. From the way his Pokemon was perspiring, he was obviously tired. As if to answer his question, Ethan’s Pokemon looked up to him and slowly shook his head. They stared at each other for a few moments, both having something to say, neither wanting to be the first. Ethan wasn’t going to back down and tell him he was tired and Alakazam wasn’t going to tell him that he was tired of looking for these stupid flakes.

    Both feeling unfulfilled, they broke off the stare and started scanning the ground, looking for the flake that Ethan was so desperate to find. The voices had shown him exactly where it would be. The house at the end of the road proved this, as it had been in the picture that was burned into his mind. He took a few steps forward, trying to line himself up exactly as he was supposed to for the picture to center itself. As he went to take one last step, he reconsidered, and stopped.

    Looking down, he saw a hole. There was nothing inside; well, almost nothing. As he bent down, he saw the flake. It glistened heartily, glowing olive as Ethan reached out to absorb it. Just like the last one, it drove itself into Ethan’s palm, twisting and burrowing itself into his flesh like a Caterpie into an apple. Tremors racked his body as it went deeper and deeper.

    “Enough already, Christ,” Ethan moaned, cradling his throbbing arm.

    Heeding his plea, the flake stopped moving and settled down. Grimacing, Ethan turned his hand over. Once again, the flake had left no evidence that it had been there, stitching his skin back together as it passed. Blood from his hand had dripped down into the hole that he had found the flake in, mixing with the dirt to form an oddly light shade of black. Ethan stared hard at it; he was always disappointed when he lost blood. He knew that his body produced more every day, but it still made him anxious to think that the substance that was sustaining his life had been so carelessly wasted.

    “Ala!” his Pokemon yelled.

    “Look!” Ethan growled, showing Alakazam his uninjured hand. “I’d appreciate it if you’d give me a little space. I’m fine! I was fine last time and the time before that! Get off my back about it!”

    “Ala!” Alakazam exclaimed, taking a step closer.

    “Of course not! Besides that, it’s something that I want to do. Its only ever helped us anyway.”

    “Kazam, zam ala.”

    “Oh screw you! You’ve been with me every step of the way. You can’t just spring these complaints on me out of nowhere. If you have a problem with something I’m doing, then say something right then. Don’t just spring it on me out of nowhere when the situation has passed. You do this all the time!”

    “Kazamam!” his Pokemon challenged.

    “I don’t have to ask for your permission! I involve you in my decisions because I love you! I’ve never led any of you into anything we couldn’t handle and I’m not about to start! Let it go!”

    “Kazam!” Alakazam accused, baring his small teeth.

    “Shut up,” Ethan hissed, roughly shoving his Pokemon backwards.

    “Ala!” his Pokemon yelled. As the sound left his lips, the psychic Pokemon flexed his right hand, calling an orb of psychic energy to hover above his palm. The ball gyrated quickly, eager to be released. The colors thrummed from purple to black, with grey streaks swirling around its center.

    “Do it,” Ethan whispered, grabbing his Pokemon’s hand.

    “Kazam,” his Pokemon replied.

    “Come on, do it,” Ethan said, egging the Pokemon on.


    “You lack the courage of your convictions,” Ethan accused, shoving his face into the swirling ball of energy.


    As Ethan’s faced grazed the exterior of the ball, his flesh began to fester and burn, quickly bypassing first degree and going straight to third. His Alakazam quickly ended the flow of power feeding the orb’s energy, effectively saving his master from further injury. The attack had broiled the lower half of his face, making him quickly reel backwards in pain. He stumbled backwards, his hands reaching up in reflex to put pressure on the wound.

    He watched Alakazam approach, his eyes beginning to tear with worry. The pain he felt vanished instantly as he took a breath and centered himself; the flakes were already doing their work. As he continued to breathe, the burned and ruined flesh on his face evaporated in a stream of black smoke, being replaced by the tan, flawless skin that had been there before. Reaching up again, he felt his unblemished skin stretch itself tight across his chin.

    Looking at his Alakazam, he stated, “That’s why we do this. This is why we’re out here.”

    “Kazam,” his Pokemon lamented.

    “I do value your opinion, but we agreed on this a long time ago.”

    Alakazam just stared at him.

    “And you will not mention that incident again. Do you understand?”

    “Kazam,” his Pokemon nodded.

    Ethan walked away, the gravel crunching delightfully under his boots. The memory of ‘the incident’, as he referred to it was still fresh in his mind all these years later. Still disconcerting, still raw. It was a few years after he had absorbed the first flake. He was fifteen; god, he had been fifteen. He was training hard, developing his new abilities when it had happened. He had been running so fast, too fast to stop. Then it happened and it was his fault. His fault, his decision, his fault; it bounced around in his mind like a tennis ball.

    “Doesn’t matter,” he told himself.

    He stopped at the steps to the house, trying to figure out his next move. The voices, the disembodied guides of his fate had told him that the flake was going to be there. They said he could have it, if he would do them a small flavor. The third favor that they had asked of him. He had been collecting the small shards of stone for the last several months. He wasn’t sure why, just that they were adamant that he left none of them behind. When he asked them about it, they said it would be revealed when he was ready. As far as he could tell, they had his best interests at heart. They always did, they never led him astray. However, the shard that was supposed to be there was gone, and he didn’t know where else to look.

    Sighing loudly, he scaled the steps of the house and in one motion busted down the front door. He barely felt the impact as his shoulder tore the door from its hinges, sending it flying across the room. Glass shattered, violet furniture was upended, and pictures fell facedown off the walls.

    Bending down, he picked up one of the picture frames that had fallen. Two people, surrounded by Pokemon, smiled serenely in the photograph. The man was broad shouldered but thin, hints of scruff taking shape on his jaw line. The woman was curvy and pleasant, with hair like sunlight. A feeling of anxiousness washed over the man as he stared at the two people, his mind recalling a similar feeling he had felt not too long ago. Why were these two bothering him? He couldn’t figure it out. He was sure he’d never seen them before, but for some reason they seemed familiar. Acquaintances long forgotten? Looking around the home, he quickly put that thought away; he didn’t associate with bottom rung people like this.

    Dropping the picture back to the ground, he called, “Come in here!”

    A moment later, Alakazam entered the room, stepping over broken pieces of the demolished door.

    “With me,” Ethan instructed, walking towards the rear of the house.

    He strode past wall décor and broken vases alike, looking for what he needed. At the end of the hall, he found it, a bedroom. The room was vastly unorganized, with piles of clothes and books scattered about like a bomb had went off. Curling his lip in disgust, he roughly laid down on the bed that was shoved into the corner. He rolled from side to side to get comfortable, stopping when the comforter beneath him smoothed out.

    “Five minutes,” Ethan said as Alakazam entered the room. “I just have to ask them.”

    Figuring it was better not to argue, Alakazam nodded and approached his master. Laying one hand across his brow and the other across his master’s eyes, he concentrated. He transferred deep waves of calm into Ethan, slowing his heart rate and causing his eyes to flutter. Hands glowing black, he pushed down hard on his master’s face, sending him into unconsciousness.


    Ethan blinked.

    Sunlight blazed above his head, bathing his skin in rich heat. He propped himself up onto his elbows and stared straight ahead, taking in the sight of the crystal clear water gently throwing itself against the sand. He was on an island, far away from any signs of life. The beach he was laying on was large, at least a square mile, starting with sand near the ocean and ending with a circular ring of grass around the middle. Turning his head around, he saw the tower.

    It stretched towards the sky like a newborn hand reaching for life. Ethan didn’t know how far up it went, but it was assuredly several thousand feet tall. Weathered black and grey with age, it kept standing; unchallenged by time as it ravaged its surface. Once, the voices had let Ethan touch the structure; and when his hand grazed its surface, he felt the hardship of the slaves that had built it from solid blocks of granite.

    They were coming.

    He felt them as he rose to his feet, dusting the sand from his legs and straightening his clothes to look as presentable as possible. Ethan could already feel their soothing presence as they approached, filling him with comfort, showering him with love. He breathed deeply, drinking in their essence as they circled him. Ethan smiled as they swirled around him faster, feeling their breath on his neck.

    “I missed you,” Ethan admitted.

    We missed you, Ethan,” a chorus of overlapping voices replied.

    Their voices were hard to understand in the beginning, back when he was a young boy. As he grew older however, their words became clearer, along with their intentions for him. As a child, they sounded like several record players all playing music, the track skipping and cutting out in unison. As an adult, they had transformed into a beautiful orchestra, making him almost weep with joy when they spoke.

    “I found the flake you told me about, but I ran into a problem,” Ethan explained. “The shard was gone. I’m sure you were right about its location, but someone must have taken it, or a truck picked it up as it drove by. Either wa-“

    We know, Ethan,” they said, cutting him off. “It was taken, it was stolen. They took it.”


    The boy, the girl, they took it. The one’s that cause you worry,” the voices continued. “We watched, but we could not stop them. You are our champion; you must take it back from them.”

    “Why did they take it?” Ethan asked.

    For money,” they said. “We heard them, we SAW them.”

    “Where did they go?” Ethan asked.

    The city of stone,” they replied, “to the east.”

    “There is no way they could even profit from it. They don’t even know what it is.”

    They bring the piece to a man; a man who knows about the treasure. He will take it from them and he will tell others. They will be led to us, and we will fade away.”

    “No, you won’t!” Ethan assured them, tears beginning to form in his eyes at the thought of losing his family. “I’ll stop them, I swear it. I will take the piece back and as a warning to anyone else who might steal from us, I will take payment from their flesh.”

    You honor us, Ethan,” they continued. “You have grown, you have saved us. Thank you Ethan, thank you. You will be rewarded.”

    “You honor me,” Ethan replied, no longer able to hold back his tears. “You have done so much, I don’t, d-don’t deserve so much.”

    You do Ethan, you do,” they replied, laughing merrily as they spoke. “You are our champion, and for your efforts, you will reap the world.”

    Ethan fell to his knees in awe. He could not see the entities spinning around him, but he could feel their presence grow as they circled faster, laughing all the while. What he said before wasn’t true of course; he believed that he did deserve what they would give him. He deserved all of it and more, it belonged to him anyway. He was better than his fellow man, and he knew it with every fiber of his being.

    Suddenly, the sunlight above began to flicker, losing its radiance. The waves splashing against the shore began to churn faster, becoming a dark black. Ethan had told Alakazam to wake him, but now he didn’t want to go back; he never did after he spoke to them. His feet left the ground and he started floating upwards, leaving them behind. He cried harder the further away he drifted, reaching down towards the ground in futility. As the sunlight flickered out completely, he heard them call out to him one last time.

    Save us, Ethan,” they called. “Save us!”


    Ethan woke up again, back to reality this time. He was covered in sweat, so much so that his shirt stuck to him from his neck, all the way down to his waist. Wiping the tears from his eyes, Ethan rose, turning to Alakazam to instruct him of their next course of action. Alakazam however, was having nothing to do with what he wanted to say. Taking one look at his friend and master, he turned and left the room, moving through the house to stand outside.

    With a sigh Ethan followed suit, pausing by the door to pick up the picture frame he had earlier held. With a look of contempt, he tore the picture from its frame and walked outside. He took several deep breaths, trying to cleanse himself of the smell left behind by those two thieving hooligans. Ethan knew nothing of the shard’s significance, but he was more entitled to it than they were. They could not appreciate it for what it was. They were ants beneath his boots, and they would pay for what they had done. Retrieving two pokeballs from his pocket, he threw them to the road below.

    From the confines of each storage device, two shapes emerged. From the first, a creamy vanilla stallion materialized; a single ivory horn visible between her glowing red eyes. Standing almost taller than Ethan, the horse reared up onto its back legs, screeching a challenge that could be heard for over a mile. Tangerine fire followed a line from the top of her head down to the plump curve of her backside. Muscles along the horse’s legs twitched as the fire flickered, signaling her pleasure at being released.

    From the second pokeball, another figure grew. This one was a deep emerald, with deep black scars littering much of her torso. Clawed ivory feet became apparent, followed by overlapping sheets of a carapace. Twin sets of wings came next, followed by two arms that from the elbow down proclaimed shining swords instead of the traditional hands. Her torso was segmented like an insect, while her head had the sharp attributes of an ancient dinosaur.

    The two looked backwards at their master, eager for instruction. They had the utmost devotion to him, for both had been rescued from grim death at his hands. They watched as he descended the steps, pausing to stroke the mane of his Rapidash. He had fierceness about him that they had not see before, a look on his face that caused his Scyther to clang her swords together with pride.

    “Alakazam,” Ethan said, seeing his Pokemon leaning against the side of the house. “Come here.”

    Alakazam did as he was told, grunting as he arrived at his master's feet.

    “Put this picture in Scyther, make sure it goes deep,” Ethan instructed.

    “Ala,” the psychic Pokemon replied, snatching the picture from his hand.

    Focusing on the picture, Alakazam’s eyes glowed, copying the picture into his memory. Walking over, he sized up the insect Pokemon. The Scyther did the same thing as he approached, hissing at him through clenched teeth. The two had a rivalry that had started many years ago when Ethan had caught Scyther. She disliked Alakazam for being too tame, while Alakazam had distaste for Scyther because she was completely sadistic. On more than one occasion he had caught her torturing helpless Rattata and Pidgey, laughing maniacally as she severed wings and appendages alike.

    When Ethan threw the insect Pokemon a glare, she relented, lowering her arms and allowing Alakazam to approach. With distaste, Alakazam touched one hand to the Scyther’s forehead, transferring the image in his mind to the mentally unstable bug. When he was finished, he walked over to the porch and sat down, the rigors of the recent flying finally taking its toll.

    “Have you got it?” Ethan asked his Scyther.

    “Saisai,” the Pokemon nodded.

    “I’m taking Rapidash to Pewter City,” he explained. “If you fly, you’ll get there faster than us. Find the two humans. If you track them down, do nothing. Just follow them and wait for me to arrive.”

    “Sai,” she sighed, making a point to roll her eyes.

    “I mean it, no dismemberment this time. If you disobey, the consequences will not be to your liking.”

    “Scyther,” she growled. Smiling wickedly at Alakazam, she rose up, her wings beating furiously. Seconds later, she was gone.

    Ethan strode over to his fire horse, clapping her appreciatively on the cheek. Grabbing her neck with his left hand, he swung himself onto her back. The flames enveloping her body caused him no harm; she had made sure of it. A dull heat radiated from her body, drying out his sweat drenched shirt.

    Looking over to Alakazam, Ethan said, “Let’s go.”

    Alakazam remained rooted to the spot, not even giving his master the respect of looking at him.

    “Now,” Ethan whispered, the word dripping with venom.

    With a growl, Alakazam rose off the ground and floated over to the fire horse. He landed roughly and closed his eyes, his mind stoic and silent.

    “Pewter City,” Ethan told his fire Pokemon. “We have business there.”

    Tossing her head back, his Rapidash galloped forward, leaving fiery hoof prints behind as she ran.
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2012
  5. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    If I remember right, that bit wasn't dialogue. If it was dialogue, I would've agreed/do agree with you. To say something like that in narration, however, is a bit odd and doesn't make as much sense unless it's first/second person.

    Anyway, I will be reading and reviewing chapter 11 soon, just wanted to say this. I'll be back, muahaha.

    EDIT: Okay, review time. Woot.

    Should be “on an island”. Just mixed up a couple words.

    The second sentence there is a fragment sentence. It just doesn’t make sense by itself. It seems like a continuation of the previous sentence, yet you put it all on its own for some reason. I would put a comma after “mile” and continue the sentence.

    Should be “master’s feet.” The apostrophe shows possession.

    I don’t really know if I like the word “psychotic” here. It seems more sadistic to me. I’d argue for sociopathic, too, if the Scyther didn’t care about Ethan. Just keep in mind that psychosis doesn’t always mean violence, though it can. That’s the most common thought when people think of psychosis (and mental illness in general), but it mostly means that the person is experiencing a total disconnect from reality and having hallucinations/delusions (aka thinking dead people are talking to you or that you think you are being investigated by the FBI for no reason).

    If this was first person, I would let such stereotypes go since it’s very believable for someone to fall into those stereotypes. Third person makes me wary and prone to believe that you yourself think that psychosis means extreme, gruesome violence.

    My only other complaint is that you forgot to put a space in between some paragraphs, which is easy to see if you go back and skim over the chapter.

    I liked how you portrayed the characters’ moods through the description of their surroundings. ie. I liked how you showed Ethan/Alakazam’s lack of fulfillment at the end of journey through the imagery of having a house nearby be lonely/empty ever though it was at the end of the road. Very perfect and fitting.

    Also, the part where Ethan eggs Alakazam on and forces him to hurt his master was pretty epic. The part where he just stuck his face into the attack was good imagery and very effective and just awesome overall. As I was reading I didn’t expect things to get heated so fast, but the way you wrote it made it believable and a good transition of things going from okay to really bad. It also makes me wonder if Ethan thinks he’s rather invincible, since he’s so convinced that no one ever sees him flying everywhere and he doesn’t truly get hurt by the flakes he finds, or any other injury for that matter. I also like how delusional he seems to make himself—he says he’s happy and that the voices aren’t trying to hurt him, but he’s obviously not happy and this journey has been hell for him so far, it seems like.

    Finally, I liked how you already gave some of Ethan’s other pokémon personalities (the description wasn’t very elaborate but it was good to see included anyway).

    Overall, great chapter. It was interesting and well written and certainly makes me want to read more. Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter. I liked seeing Ethan only for a change, but I assume we’ll see how the others are doing later, so we can see if Golduck survived or not!
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2012
  6. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Lol, I saw where you posted in your fic that you went back and edited your post with a review. Thanks for telling me, because I would not have known otherwise haha

    That's an excellent point, thanks for bringing it to my attention. Sadistic is a much better word to use. And you're right, the first thing my mind went to when I see the word psychotic is violence. I know that violence is not always a trait of the condition, so I'll be sure to keep that in mind when writing future chapters about Ethan's Scyther.

    Wow, you really picked up on what Ethan is to me. He is somewhat self deluded, and may have a bit of a god complex lol. I'm really happy you picked up on what I was trying to convey.

    Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it. I'm glad you're still following the story and enjoying it. I'm going back now to fix the mistakes I made, thanks for pointing them out.

    Just so everyone knows, the new chapter should be up by Friday, so stay tuned!
  7. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    Awesome. :p Well, it's a term that should be remembered in real life too since it's used a lot, but yeah. Sorry if I seem like I'm lecturing you or whatever, mental illness and its stereotypes is a big thing to me.

    I was able to do it because you wrote him so well. :p

    Will be looking forward to Friday, then.
  8. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Oh no you're fine. I understand what you're getting at. It was rather short-sighted of me. I got really excited writing this chapter because I could focus solely on Ethan, which was new for me. I think in my haste to write down what was happening, I made some decisions like the one mentioned without thinking. Thanks for reminding me.
  9. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    As I was looking for my thread to post this chapter, I noticed that I have now gotten over 1,000 views! Woooo! Thanks to everyone who has been giving me reviews, and everyone who's been reading. It means alot, and its only with you're help can I continue to improve my story. As always, reviews are welcome, and encouraged, and thanks to everyone still stayong with the story

    CHAPTER 9​

    Dorian rolled to his right as Nuzleaf launched another bullet seed at him. As his grass Pokemon ran forward, Dorian grabbed a handful of pebbles and threw them, causing his Pokemon to raise his right hand to deflect them. Taking advantage of his Pokemon’s momentary lack of vision, Dorian jumped up and lashed out with his left foot, striking his Pokemon squarely in the chest. His Nuzleaf stumbled backwards a few paces, a grin forming on his thin lips.

    The two had been sparing for the better part of an hour, both being pushed to the edge of their physical limits as they struggled to best one another. While Nuzleaf had the advantage of being able to use elemental attacks as well as his physical skills, Dorian bridged the gap with his Pokeflect. The pair were almost evenly matched when it came to their knowledge of hand-to-hand fighting techniques, as they had been taking weekly classes since Nuzleaf had evolved almost three years ago. In direct contest though, Nuzleaf usually won, as his advantage with speed almost always conquered Dorian’s constant use of trickery. The training field they were practicing on was located right outside Viridian’s northern exit, its surface scarred heavily from constant use by trainers.

    Almost thirty-six hours had passed since Dorian and Shelton had burst through the doors of Viridian City’s Pokemon Center, both so winded they could barely communicate the conditions of their injured Pokemon. Nuzleaf, Vibrava, and Shuppet required only a few moments in the healing machine to bring them back to their former glory; whereas Machoke and Golduck were both taken into the ICU for specialized treatment. Machoke had been released in under an hour after a few standard tests, the tecnician in charge confident that he would make a complete recovery. Golduck on the other hand, was not so lucky.

    After almost three hours spent in surgery, a technician came out to deliver the news. Shelton started sobbing again as the man emerged from behind the pale red doors, collapsing against Dorian as her legs became unable to support her trembling body. The technician had been direct, informing them that the situation was rapidly deteriorating. The amount of energy Golduck had summoned was too much even for his capable mind. The jewel in his forehead had shattered with the explosion, creating a hole from which his psychic essence poured out. Not only that, but the shards of the ruby had embedded themselves in his left arm like shrapnel blown from a grenade. The shards had opened multiple deep lacerations in the arm, effectively shredding the limb into tatters.

    “Nunuz,” his Pokemon taunted, beckoning him forward with an outstretched hand.

    Dorian approached slowly at first, and then sprinted forward, crouching down low as he ran. Nuzleaf jumped forward to meet his master, cocking his right arm back in preparation. The two met each other confidently, both at ease with the other; this was fun. As Nuzleaf threw the punch at Dorian, his master twisted his body to the right, avoiding the blow and putting him in reach of Nuzleaf’s ribs. Before Dorian could land a punch however, Nuzleaf hopped backwards and launched another bullet seed attack. Dorian raised a hand in front of his face, reveling in the warm aftershock ricocheting off his body as the Pokeflect reflected the attack away from him. Unfazed, Nuzleaf jumped forward, raining heavy blows with his feet as well as his fists.

    “You’re covered in sap today, dummy,” Dorian laughed, blocking Nuzleaf’s punches and launching a few of his own. Try as he might though, Nuzleaf blocked his every attempt, twisting his body from side to side to get inside Dorian’s guard. The two settled into a familiar rhythm of blocking and attacking, allowing Dorian’s mind to drift once more.

    After Shelton was made aware of Goluck’s condition, she hovered outside the operating room like a Pidgey, refusing Dorian’s repeated attempts to get her to rest. As the hours ticked by, they received regular updates from the same sleepy looking technician. One team of doctors were struggling with how to cap the hole in Golduck’s forehead, while another did their best to salvage the remains of his left arm. The news fluctuated wildly, going from hopeful, to worried, then back to optimistic as they worked through the night without reprieve.

    After a particularly good status report some hours after that, Dorian finally convinced Shelton to sit down. As she lowered herself into the cushioned chair, she snaked her arm around Dorian’s, laying her head on his shoulder and breathing deeply. She had fallen asleep in minutes, leaving Dorian with the problem of moving and waking her up, or sitting still and giving her the rest she needed. He chose the latter out of pity, as she really did look quite exhausted.

    Dorian had drifted off himself shortly thereafter; his hand’s grasping Shelton’s tenderly. They made an odd sight in the waiting room, both filthy, covered in cuts and bruises; yet both looked very peaceful as they slept. After a few hours of dreamless slumber, Dorian had woken up as a finger was poked into his ribs. Shelton stood in front of him drying her newly washed hair, eight stitches tracing a line along the top of her forehead.

    “Hah!” Dorian shouted, snapping back to reality and deflecting an elbow thrown at him and twisting Nuzleaf’s arm into a painful lock. Dorian spun Nuzleaf around, letting go when he made a full rotation, launching his Pokemon into the air.

    “Nuz!” his Pokemon called, twisting himself around to face Dorian as he flew through the air. Just before he connected with the ground however, his body folded in on itself in a flash of black light, a loud bang being heard as air rushed in to fill the spot his body had just occupied.

    Dorian reeled backwards as his Pokemon reappeared in front of him, flinging his arms up to defend himself. Nuzleaf drew back a fist and jumped up, disappearing yet again as his master reached out to block his strike. Seconds later, a loud bang sounded behind Dorian as Nuzleaf crashed into him, knocking him sprawling. As Dorian flipped himself back over, he raised a hand, using his Pokeflect to block the bullet seed launched at him. Nuzleaf lashed out with a roundhouse kick to Dorian’s head as the glowing pellets spiraled away, his teeth bared in concentration. The kick connected solidly, forcing Dorian’s head to slam against the ground again.

    “I yield, Jesus!” Dorian shouted as Nuzleaf started forward on him again.

    “Nunuz,” his Pokemon grinned, taking a seat on the ground beside his master.

    The ground around them was littered with holes and scorch marks, the result of years of trainer and Pokemon practice. As the pair looked up towards Viridian City, they took in the destruction around them, both thinking of Golduck. After Dorian had woken up and showered earlier that day, he had grabbed Nuzleaf and came here to train, hoping that the normalcy of their weekly routine would help his heavy heart. It had to some degree, allowing him to focus on battling and escaping from Shelton’s panicked looks for awhile.

    “Shelton hasn’t called yet, but let’s go back,” Dorian suggested.

    “Nuzleaf,” his Pokemon agreed. “Nuznuz.”

    “Yeah, I’m thinking about him too.”


    Shelton shifted uncomfortably on the worn leather seat in the waiting room, her left hand absentmindedly picking at a scab on her right. Looking towards the double doors at the end of the hall she sighed anxiously, seeing no indication that they were going to open. She looked around the Pokemon Center in an attempt to distract herself, taking in the sight of Pokemon and their trainers scattered around its interior. They all moved with purpose, with haste, all lining up at the growing line in front of the healing machine. The tile beneath their feet had lost its former shining glory, playing host to scuff marks and clods of dirt instead. Machinery whirled behind the main desk, tended by technicians who were busy rotating scores of Pokeballs in and out of its confines.

    “Hey,” a voice said from behind her.

    Shelton turned around slowly, finding it hard to take her eyes off a lone Psyduck waddling across the room. Dorian stood there smiling, with Nuzleaf in his usual spot by his right side. She smiled half-heartedly back, her mind too distracted to really mean it. Dorian didn’t look too bad besides the bandages wrapped around different parts of his arms, doctoring the wounds left behind by the Graveler that had held him hostage. He was dressed normally in blue jeans and t-shirt; the sea foam color of his top brightening the color of his emerald eyes.

    “Hey,” she responded, turning back around to watch the doors.

    Both Dorian and his Nuzleaf hopped over the row of seating behind her, the former taking a seat to her left. Nuzleaf climbed onto her lap and looked up at her with his wide eyes, cupping her face softly in his hands as he looked at her. She smiled down at him, touched by the Pokemon’s gesture of affection. Reaching down, she scratched a spot at the small of Nuzleaf’s back, dragging her sharp nails across his wooden body. The sound the nails made as they moved always gave her goose bumps, but Nuzleaf loved it and immediately hugged her close, burying his face in her hair.

    “Any word yet?” Dorian asked.

    “Not since you guys left,” Shelton answered. “Did it help at all?”

    “For awhile,” Dorian admitted. “But neither of us could stop thinking about it.”

    “I appreciate that,” she said.

    “It’s fine. He’s my family too.”

    “I know, and I’m sorry for flipping out on you yesterday. I appreciate you not bringing it up.”

    “It’s fine. You were in a bad frame of mind, a lot was happening. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

    “Same here,” Shelton assured him. “I’ll be honest Dorian, I can’t think straight. If they don’t come back ou-“

    On perfect cue, the doors at the end of the hall opened wide, their technician’s lab coat billowing serenely behind him as he walked. Shelton stiffened when she saw him, as if he had suddenly been transformed into the grim reaper. Her mind raced; the last two updates had been really positive, but the technician had stressed several times that many variables were in play and that nothing was certain. He was a pleasant looking man, with a round body and short spiky gray hair. His white button down was tinged yellow from sweat around his collar, while his tie had been thrown over his shoulder as if it had been an annoyance.

    Shelton pulled Dorian close as the man approached; her mind unable to discern the blank expression on the technician’s face. Tears began to well in her eyes again as the man pulled out a chair to sit directly in front of her. She began to ask, but the question caught in her throat like a large chunk of food.

    Reaching out and clasping Shelton on the shoulder, the man said, “Golduck’s alive.” The man had a deep accent, which she immediately identified as Unovan from the way he lengthened his vowels.

    Breathing out a sigh of relief, Shelton let her tears fall. “Thank you so much. W-when you came out, I almost lost it.”

    “I’ve always prided myself on being perceptive, and that’s the feeling I got,” the man grinned, trying to lighten the obvious emotional angst. “But there are a few things we need to talk about, because we had to make some changes in order to save his life.”

    “Like what?” Shelton asked, her stomach dropping suddenly to somewhere below her feet.

    “Well, how about this,” the man started. “They’re bringing him out of surgery now, so how about we go to his room. He’ll probably still be unconscious, but you can see him. And then I’ll explain what we had to do. Sound good?”

    Shelton was about to demand the answer right there, but her desire to see Golduck came first and she ended up not saying anything.

    “Sir?” Dorian asked. What’s your name?”

    “Michael Thompson,” he answered.

    “Well, it’s nice to meet you Mr. Thompson, and that sounds like a great idea,” Dorian smiled, giving Shelton’s hand a light squeeze.

    “Good,” Michael said, getting up from the chair. “If you’ll follow me?”

    Without waiting for an affirmation, the technician turned and walked back through the red door with Shelton, Dorian, and Nuzleaf close behind.

    The Intensive Care Unit was truly a sight to behold. Everything gleamed like polished metal; from the hexagonal walnut desk in the middle of the room, to the blue ceramic tile lining the floor. People and Pokemon alike darted past quickly, all focused on a particular task. Several people were seated behind the biblically unorganized desk, all holding more than one phone in their hands. Various diagrams of Pokemon anatomy littered every wall, the photos depicting every species from Starmie, all the way to Stunfisk. The scent of disinfectant was rampant, filling their nostrils and making their heads swim as they followed the technician. He paused at a closed door to the right of the desk, checking to make sure that the group was still behind him. Nodding, he opened the door and walked inside, Shelton almost tripping over him in her hurry to follow.

    The room was sparingly lit by fluorescent lighting above, accenting the soft hues of orange and russet painted in stripes across the walls. A single hospital bed was situated at the center of the far wall, with a nurse bending down to examine its occupant. Shelton’s breathing stopped as her eyes took in Golduck.

    The once bright sapphire duck’s feathers were now a muted shade of blue, signaling the stress that it had exposed to. Portions of his body had lost feathers entirely, resulting in bare patches where soft pink skin was visible. Another part of him that was obviously out of the ordinary was a small metal spike that protruded from the center of his forehead. As Shelton drew closer, she saw that the spike was centered in the middle of a piece of glass that replaced the ruby he had previously had. Shelton’s eyes moved across Golduck’s body, stopping on the portion that had changed the most significantly.

    “N-no, no,” Shelton whispered.

    Golduck’s left arm was gone, as in poof, as in absent. Bandages laced their way around his shoulder, administering pressure to the amputated limb. Golduck looked almost foreign to her with his missing arm, like he was a different Pokemon entirely. The symbol of power that had been hers to command and love for so many years had been broken and dislodged from her memory. As her knees weakened, she felt Dorian’s toned arms wrap around her shoulders and pull her close, comforting her with his warmth.

    “It’s okay,” Dorian assured her.

    “No it’s not,” she whispered. “Look at him, just look at him.”

    “Shelton,” Dorian started. “I’m seeing the same thing you’re seeing. He’s alive, that’s what matters. He would do the same thing all over again if it meant saving you. That’s exactly what he did too, and you know that.”

    “Nunuz,” Nuzleaf chimed in, placing a wooden hand on Shelton’s back.

    “I know, it’s just, I can’t,” Shelton said, her breath catching on every word.

    “Look, he was strong for you. Now you need to be strong for him. He needs you, so man up. Let’s listen to what the tech has to say, and we’ll go from there. Agreed?”

    Shelton nodded glumly, turning to the technician that had been watching their exchange.

    “Ms. Street, you have my deepest sympathy for the accident that befell your Golduck, but I can assure you that with therapy, and your patience, he may be able to recover a lot of what he lost,” the technician said.

    “Okay,” Shelton said, walking forward and taking a breath. “What did you have to do?”

    “Well, as I’m sure you’re aware, members of Golduck’s specie have tremendous mental prowess, only outclassed by accomplished and well trained psychic types. The ruby in his forehead not only serves as a focusing point for their power, but also enables them to release stored psychic energy that can build up and overload the sensitive gemstone. Most of the time, this is done unconsciously, and the cerebellum excretes this excess energy through the crystal and into the air. By itself, the energy released is harmless, but when it is focused through the ruby, it’s concentrated, allowing Golduck to weaponize it. You still with me?”

    “Yes,” Shelton said, edging closer to Golduck.

    “Good. Anyway, when Golduck summoned the energy for the attack, it overloaded the crystal, effectively shattering it. Which can kill him, seeing as the energy kept inside his skull feeds his involuntary functions, like breathing. From what Mr. Dvakna said, a purple bubble of energy was visible above your Pokemon’s head when he found him.”

    “That’s correct,” Dorian affirmed.

    “That energy escaping nearly killed him, as without the power to feed his organs, they began to shut down. Luckily though, you got him here in time. We were able to fashion a similar object out of glass and surgically insert it into his cranium. Basically corking the little amount of energy he had left.”

    “But if there’s only that little bit, is he still in danger?” Shelton questioned.

    “On the contrary, the energy replenishes itself over time, much like new blood is made and old blood is recycled as waste with humans. The point is that while the ruby allows Golduck to release stored energy safely, glass cannot, which is why we threaded in the capstone,” Michael explained, pointing to the metal spike in the glass. “When the amount of psychic energy builds up to a critical level, you can bend the spike back, releasing the energy into the air.”

    “Okay,” Dorian and Shelton said in unison.

    “Putting that portion behind for the moment, the other obvious action we took was to remove Golduck’s left arm. The shards from the ruby embedded themselves into his arm from the shoulder down; I personally removed twenty-seven pieces,” Michael explained. “An infection soon grew from the multiple open wounds and it was too risky to leave the arm in place. My thinking was that he would have succumbed to septic shock within just a few days. That amputation was successful, and the infected tissue was completely removed.”

    “I understand,” Shelton stated, moving her hand down to stroke Golduck’s.

    “Now we come to the consequences,” Michael explained. “The ruby in Golduck’s skull is grown naturally as a Psyduck evolves, which means that it’s actually organic. The composition and density are almost completely identical to other precious stones, but each one is grown specific to each particular Golduck.”

    “What are you getting at?” Shelton asked.

    “Basically, when Golduck uses a psychic attack, the energy is focused through that crystal, and only a gemstone with those properties is strong enough to handle the surge of energy that courses through it. While the glass we inserted mimics the crystal in most ways, it’s extremely fragile.”

    “How about you just tell me exactly what you’re trying not to,” Shelton said.

    “Golduck cannot use any sort of psychic attack again,” Michael lamented. “Even a brief use of telekinesis could shatter the glass and put him in the same situation all over again. We were only able to save him because you got here so quickly. Next time, you may not be as lucky.”

    “Never?” Shelton questioned.

    “Unfortunately, yes. If a gemstone of the appropriate density and composition were inserted into the cavity, he may regain some use of his former abilities, but even if we had such an object and the operation went perfectly, there is no guarantee that he could develop even half of his former skill.”

    “Why can’t we at least try it?” Shelton asked. “It’s worth a shot. If it didn’t work, we would be in the same position we’re in now.”

    “I’m sorry to say Ms. Street, but your insurance does not cover a procedure of this magnitude. Something of this nature is rarely attempted. Even though your Golduck is a prime candidate, this facility cannot undertake a financial risk like that without some type of coverage.”

    “You could just say that you don’t think we deserve the help,” Shelton hissed.

    “Shelton,” Dorian warned, putting himself between the technician and his roommate.

    “No, Dorian,” she started. “I’m sorry Mr. Thompson, that wasn’t what I meant to say. I’m a little taken aback at the moment.”

    “I understand Ms. Street and you have my sympathy,” Michael responded.

    “I’m sure we can come up with some sort of payment plan,” Shelton said. “We’re not wealthy by any means, but I’m sure that you all could figure out a plan that would fit us.”

    “Ms. Street, the procedure is very expensive,” Michael said. “The gemstone has to be calibrated specifically to your Pokemon. Not only that, but the gemstone would have to be enormous. This isn’t some amethyst shard that you could buy at any local jeweler. A stone that size would cost several hundred-thousand credits, not to mention the smiths that would have to tailor it to the exact size that we would need.”

    “I guess I can’t argue with that, now can I?” Shelton said, turning her attention to Golduck and stroking his remaining arm.

    “Thank you for your efforts,” Dorian chimed in, striding forward to shake the technician’s hand.

    “Nuzleaf,” his Pokemon agreed.

    “It’s my pleasure,” Michael said, tightly gripping Dorian’s hand.

    “I’m sorry if I sounded ungrateful,” Shelton said, turning her attention back to Michael.

    “You didn’t,” Michael assured her. “I can imagine this has put quite a strain on you. He’s a fighter you know, one of the strongest I’ve ever seen.”

    “I know,” Shelton agreed, the beginnings of a smile forming on her lips.

    “Now,” Michael stated, removing a pokeball from his pocket. “I charged this heal ball myself, and I would recommend that when you return Golduck, you leave him inside for at least three days. The energy contained within is designed to promote healthy cellular growth, which will help greatly in aiding in the recovery time of his arm.”

    He dropped the rosy pink storage device in her hand and then proceeded to instruct her on how to correctly change the bandages on Golduck’s shoulder. Most of what he told her, Shelton already knew, but it seemed to please the technician if she listened intently. Probably because he wanted to make sure that the hard work he put into Golduck was not in vain. One thing amidst all his rambling stood out for her though. Aspear berries had a naturally occurring coagulant in them, which would help if Golduck’s arm was injuried before it had completely healed. She made a mental note of that tidbit of information, knowing that it would come in handy later on.

    “You have to fill out some discharge paperwork before you leave,” Michael told her. “Then you may return Golduck to his ball and be on your way.”

    “I’ll take care of that,” Dorian stated. “You take your time; I’ll meet you outside when you’re done.” He turned and walked out after the words left his mouth, Nuzleaf following close behind.

    “Mr. Thompson, I really appreciate the work you put in,” Shelton smiled. “I really would have been lost if things had not panned out the way that they did.”

    “It’s no problem at all,” Michael smiled. “I’m glad I was able to help.”

    “Well I’m very grateful,” Shelton said, walking over and lightly kissing the technician’s cheek.

    Michael quickly blushed, and admitted, “That was a treat my profession rarely affords me, so I thank you.”

    “You’re welcome,” Shelton giggled. “So it’s safe to just return him now?”

    “Absolutely. Like I said though, I would keep him inside for at least three days. After that, his arm would benefit from fresh air.”

    “Okay,” she said, situating herself by Golduck’s bed.

    Holding out the pokeball, she clicked the return button on the front of the device, shooting a red laser towards the center of her Pokemon. As she watched, the beam transformed his body into glowing scarlet energy, which was quickly absorbed back into the ball. The ball closed itself with a cheerful clap, signaling that her Pokemon had been returned successfully.

    “After you,” Michael said, gesturing towards the door.

    “Thank you,” Shelton smiled.

    Her thoughts swam as she walked back towards the entrance to the Pokemon Center. The technician really had saved Golduck’s life, and it was something she would be eternally grateful for. He was obviously extremely intelligent; that’s what she had heard while she waited anyway. He was somewhat attractive as well, despite being at least twenty years her senior. She chuckled at the thought, she had heard of patients falling in love with their technicians and it amused her that she was starting to fall into that stereotype. As she passed through the sliding glass doors of the Pokemon Center, she saw Dorian and Nuzleaf waiting for her by a pair of gleaming motorcycles parked by the entrance.

    “You ready?” Dorian called.

    “NuNuz!” Nuzleaf questioned as well.

    “Yeah, let’s get this over with so we can get back home,” Shelton answered.

    “You know, Ronnie is going to flip out when we tell him what happened,” Dorian said, helping Shelton tighten the straps on her pack.

    “I’m sure he will,” Shelton agreed. “Though, he will be inclined to believe me over you when I tell him that you were the one who decided we should take that new route.”

    “Are you serious?” Dorian asked. “We both agreed to it.”

    “Oh I know,” Shelton mused. “However, he’s going to be more likely to believe me over you, mainly because I’m his favorite.”

    “Well, I am male and his heir to the family name,” Dorian said proudly. “So by that alone I’m a lot better than you.”

    “What’s twenty-six times thirty-seven?” Shelton quickly asked.

    “Well, if you carry the decimal and square the remainder,” Dorian started, squeezing his eyes shut in concentration. “Three-hundred and twenty-five!”

    “It’s actually nine-hundred and sixty-two,” Shelton smiled, pushing past him and starting down the road. “And you’re an idiot.”

    “I thought you meant division!” Dorian exclaimed.

    Nuzleaf laughed.
  10. Glover

    Glover Pain in Rocket side

    ...And then they walk out of the Pokemon and get mugged by a half-baked Scyther, the end...

    Oh, no, wait, that's not very heartwarming at all...

    Anyway, my ramblings aside, this a was a wonderful closure piece to the graveler scene, Although I find it a bit odd that Mr. Thompson didn't arrange an automated pressure release. The way the spike sounds, it's like something that must be manually drained. My dad was ona Colostomy bag, such things as manual body drains are not fun. Surely there's a way to rig a one-way valve, or maybe that's just not in Viridian's reprritoire.

    I can totally see a scowling Shelton standiung in front of the ICU doors, turning doctors around when they try to go off shift...

    Kudos to you on the depiction of the ICU, and for going beyond the usual Nurse Joy Pokemon Center routine. the whole of the ICU is realistic and weell detailed, as well as the in depth review of a Golduck's anatomy.

    Dorian and Nuzleaf's blowing off steam match was fun to read, and you did a wonderful job of flipping back and forth between meories and the battle, and the conversations were excellent.

    One thing, you use the phrase "knocking him sprawling" once. I can;t find anything wrong with it, it's just a little bit odd to me. Maybe I'm just used to hearing "Sending him sprawling" which is the exact same thing, just sounds different. I don't know. Maybe it's another regional thing.

    Well, if not amythest, what about, oh, i don't know, a chunk of obsidian? I wonder where they might find some of that...
  11. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    I’m very tired as I do this at the moment, and I gotta say, the sudden action woke me up already. Cool way to get back into the action that was present before Ethan’s chapter, especially now that there’s an interesting comparison (before, they were fighting enemies, and now, they’re fighting each other).

    I think you meant “sparring”.


    Should be “hands”. I could see what you were trying to do there by trying to show possession, but in this case, you’re just showing pluralization—his two hands are grasping hers.

    I’d also put a comma instead of a semi-colon. From what I’ve learned, the sentence before and after the semi-colon should be able to be a standalone sentence. But the sentence after the semi-colon here can’t be by itself and still make sense.

    D’awwwww, have I ever mentioned how much I love the pokémon Nuzleaf? This is an adorable image. I’m going to go be a typical squeeing fangirl now.

    “had been exposed to.”

    Anyway, I agree with Glover when he says that this was a nice conclusion to the Graveler incident. The part I liked the most was going back and forth between Shelton’s grieving over Golduck and the spar between Dorian and Nuzleaf. To me, it was as if the Graveler fight was still happening, in a sense. The fighting spirit and suspense was still entirely present, and you portrayed the idea that all of them were still fighting (both literally and figuratively) to live and/or move on with their lives even though there was no real danger present anymore. It makes me reflect on the idea that everyone is always fighting every moment of every day, pretty much. I hope that makes sense. It’s not something I can easily put into words, but it was a good feeling nonetheless.

    Also, I thought that Dorian and Shelton were a couple? Am I wrong? Shelton kissing the technician on the cheek and mentioning falling in love with him seemed odd to me for this reason, and also because she was just unbelievably angry and bitter moments before she did such a thing. I guess it’s understandable that her emotions would be going crazy at the moment, and it was cute nonetheless, but still, it left me wondering about Dorian.

    Overall, the chapter felt complete and full of emotions, just as the conclusion of such a horrific event should feel. The only thing I might have added was Shelton reflecting on Golduck’s possible feelings of losing his psychic power. Does he value it? Does Shelton think it won’t effect him? I mention this because Golduck’s personality wasn’t revealed enough for us readers to know yet (though I may have just forgotten, in which case, feel free to ignore me), but I expect that you’ll be showing the aftereffects soon enough, and you’ll have us as readers wishing we had known him more before the incident as well (which isn’t a bad thing—I would find that kind of interesting, actually).

    Keep up the good work~
  12. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    @ Glover

    You know, I flirted with the idea, but in the end, I decided to go another way :p

    That's correct. I see what you're saying, but for some reason this sounded a little bit better for me. The idea came from the movie 'Three Kings'. Mark Wahlberg's character gets shot in the lung at one point, and when his friends have to install this release valve for building air pressure in the lung. Occasionly he has to turn the valve to release the stored pressure, aloowing him to breathe.

    Ah well thanks! The bit with the ICU and Golduck's explanation was actually something I tried really hard on, so I'm glad you noticed. And yeah, the whole Nurse Joy wonderful attitude happy go lucky thing never really went over well with me. I felt like this was much more realistic, glad you think so too

    That was something that I wasn't really sure about. I hoped it would go over well, so I'm glad you commented on it. I felt like it would be a good way to transition from what was happening right then, while also giving a backstory on the events that happened after the Graveler attack.

    I see what you're saying. I went back and looked, and I feel like they both work. I'm going to keep it the way it is, but thanks for bringing it to my attention.

    Thanks for the review!

    @ diamondpearl876

    Thanks for bringing that up. That was exactly what I was shooting for when I was trying to think of a beginning to the chapter.

    Once again, that was exactly what I was shooting for. I've always found the relation between emotional/physical trauma and future actions. Back in my wasteful youth days, I got into a fist fight with a few guys and got beat up. It was so loud, and intense, and I had never been in a fight before so it somewhat affected for a few days after that. I'd hear a loud noise and tense up, like I was expecting it to happen all over again. So I kinda of drew heavily on that for this chapter, if that makes sense. None of them are going to be okay for awhile I think, but you're right, we fight battles everyday, luckily though its not against hordes of furios rock Pokemon.

    I won't deny that if I read this story and wasn't the writer, I would say they have some obvious chemistry, but no, they're not together. I mentioned in a few chapters that they're just roomates, and they have been for a very long time. I'm actually touching on their back stories some more in the next chapter, and it should firm up their motives and feelings for each other a little more clearly.

    That's going to be gone into before, and after Golduck is healed up and released. I think she was just so relieved that she was close to him again and that he was okay, that she kinda bypassed thinking about the long term ramifications of the loss of that ability. That's going to be expanded on greatly eventually. It's going to be alot for him to deal with, and for her as well.

    Thanks for reviewing once again!

    oh and thankyou for pointing out the mistakes I made. I'll go back and edit them soon.
  13. SilentMemento

    SilentMemento Lone Wolf

    The fic itself is very intriguing, but some things about it (namely the grammatical aspects) fall flat. I'll name the positives before I start with the negatives:

    The premise is very interesting; a young couple delivering a priceless artifact for much needed money and an unbalanced man who will make every effort to stop them. However, I find all of their motives to be compelling, even the antagonist - at least, the person who you're setting up to be the antagonist. Dorian and Shelton are two young people trying to pay off their bills and care for their Pokemon. Dorian obviously has a dream to be a strong trainer, while Shelton's motives are a little more unclear (although I would think that getting married would be one of them). Meanwhile, Ethan grew up alone and friendless aside from his Abra/Alakazam. He's desperate for the voices to stay in his head because they've been friendly to him. I actually pity him; he doesn't know that they might turn on him in an instant.

    It took three chapters to build up steam, but when the action started...I have to admit that I was very impressed. The stress of Dorian and Shelton in the immediate aftermath of the Graveler attack is strikingly realistic, and their emotions plucked at my heartstrings. I could feel their shock, pain, anger, and sadness as if it were my own. I honestly don't think that you could have done any better than you did.

    My favorite character right now has to be Alakazam. He's shown the most personality so far out of all of the Pokemon, and while I like all of the human characters, I feel a certain connection to Alakazam. He's definitely a wildcard in all of this. When it comes down to it, will he stay loyal to the trainer and friend he's known since he was an Abra or will he go with his morals and try to save the innocent couple? What a fascinating dilemma...

    Anyway, the plot looks rather sound as well. Like I said, it started out slow at first, but once Dorian and Shelton set out to Pewter, it picked up its pace. It hasn't slowed down yet, and it has kept my interest at a high level, which is always a good thing when it comes to the average fickle reader.

    Of course, every fic has a weakness that must be dealt with; even the best ones aren't immune to them. With yours, it's mainly the grammar that falls flat.

    The first thing I noticed was the major difference between the capitalization of the Pokemon moves, as seen in these sentences:

    Before I say anything else, I want to correct the bolded parts. The bolded comma is unnecessary and needs to be taken out, and an "s" needs to be added to the end of the word "move". The apostrophe you used in the second sentence is a typo; you want quotation marks at the end.

    However, that's not what concerned me. Why capitalize "Reflect" and "Light Screen" if you're not going to capitalize any other Pokemon move? An element of consistency is needed. You might want to put "Reflect" and "Light Screen" in lower-case, since every other Pokemon move is in lower-case.

    Just a bit of clarification here: is "Fall" intentionally capitalized because of the Nuzleaf's perspective? If not, you might want to put that in lower-case.

    I'm pretty certain that the "s" in "signaling" should be in lower-case, since it's still a part of the same sentence. Either way, the exclaimation mark seems a bit unnecessary.

    Commas should be in between each of the two bolded words. Commas should be used whenever there's a pause in a sentence. The full-stop (period) should be a comma, as was said by other readers before me. Like they said, a comma should be used in a spoken sentence, while full-stops can be used if the person is using an action (for example, Dorian winking at the Growlithe in a previous sentence). Going back and correcting that error would be nice.

    You mispelled Shelton's name. Just a minor typo that I thought I'd point out. ;)

    The period should be replaced with a comma, but that's not what I wanted to mention. Whenever a character is speaking to someone and addressing them directly, you need to use a comma before or after their name or the title they're being addressed as, depending on where the word is placed. Basically, since Shelton is addressing Dorian, you need to put a comma between the word "great" and his name. Same with Nuzleaf. Since she's addressing him as "sweetheart", you need to place a comma between the two bolded words.

    These sentences are fragments, and they're very jarring to read. I'd recommend that you re-organize this sentence into something like this:

    "The whispers had recently led him to a cave in the sand swept plains of the desert in Hoenn. It had contained another flake, which he had took into himself. However, the cave he found near Route 111 had something else: a shard of stone from the enormous tablet he had seen in Granite Cave years ago. The people that the man walked past throughout the day forgot him as soon as he passed. Even with the Alakazam keeping stride to his right, he was an average-looking man with long, wavy tan hair being the only other physical attribute of note."

    Of course, you can probably do much better than my example, but it's just a starting point.

    This sentence seems to be missing a few words. Perhaps you could use this?

    "Though its species was usually synonymous with bravery and strength, Shelton's Machop fell far short."

    A minor typo. You forgot an apostrophe.

    While there are other grammatical errors in this story, they're mostly of a similar nature to the ones I've mentioned (mostly addressing people in a spoken sentence and not adding commas).

    I don't have a problem with your characters so far, but the personalities of the Pokemon could use a bit more description. Show them as themselves. You've done that with Nuzleaf and Alakazam. Why not show the rest? Just a thought.

    Otherwise, I can't think of anything to add to this review. You've done a fine job with Requiem, and I'll definitely be paying close attention to it in the coming months.


  14. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Thanks, and right off the bat I appreciate you bringing that to my attention, as it is the one area I feel is my worst.

    You're the second person to think that Dorian and Shelton are a couple. I tried my best to describe how close they were, and if some people think they're together, I guess I did just that. But no, they are not a couple. Alot more of their backstory will be revealed in the next chapter. Which should help to put that theory to rest. They've known each other for a VERY long time, and the closeness of their relationship is just a result of the sibling like love they have for each other.

    I'm glad you noticed. It was one part that I tried really hard on. I'm glad its gone over so well with so many people. Thanks! ^^

    That actually kinda evolved on its own, and I have to say I'm pretty pleased with it. Thanks for commenting on it.

    You're completely right. Right before I saw your review, I told myself the exact same thing. They are all an integral part of the story, and I'm not doing right by them if I dont expand on them more. In the coming chapters, you'll see alot more of their personalities.

    Shall I add you to the PM list then? And thanks very much for the review. I really appreciate it as you pointed out some things that I know could use some polishing.

    To everyone else reading/reviewing, the new chapter should be out by Monday night.
  15. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    Okay, finally getting to this and getting as much in as possible before lunch ends. :)


    -I'm wondering why the boy didn't feel connected to his adoptive parents. I get that they aren't his real birth parents, but I wonder why he seems so...mad about them. They certainly seem nice. Is the boy going through a rebellious time? I'm stuck with this question, and I hope it gets delved into.

    I'm not a particularly big fan of sound-effects in prose, but to each their own. :) I get that it's a preference thing.

    OW. Good image, though. It actually makes me wince when I read it. Excellent work, that.

    Usually when someone is "favoring" a leg, that means they are protecting it because it's the weaker or injured one. So does Abra have two major leg injuries? Because if I had a long gash on one leg, I might be favoring that, but if the left leg has bone/tendon damage, that would result in favoring it no matter what wound the right leg has. I guess I was just confused here is all.

    A little unwieldy starting two consecutive sentence with the same lines "As the boy and his...".

    OVERALL: Very interesting beginning. What the heck kind of serrated blade is so powerful that it cuts through large stone tablets? I'd be scared as heck at the thought of that if I were in Boy's shoes. And I desperately hope we see more of Boy because I really want his backstory with the adoptive parents.
  16. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    CHAPTER 1--

    Okay, this is a good idea. How haven't more people been injured by Pokemon? Because of this device! I'm only 2 lines in here, and I very much want to know more about this thing. I think you could make a whole story around this device, actually. Does it protect against, say, a Scyther's claws? And if so, would you protect someone from ANY kind of blade? Or ANY kind of fire? I have a feeling I might just be digressing, though.

    I'm actually NOT going to say you need to capitalize the names of moves (because I don't, either generally, but you should capitalize the beginning of a sentence. ;)

    I like those. Nice description there.

    -Okay, I read that one section a few times, and I can't, for the life of me, figure out what the violet energy that picked up and flipped over Dorian was. Can you explain? I'm assuming it was some kind of psychic attack, but was it from Golduck? Or even Shelton? What was it?

    -Aaannnddd...okay, Boy did not grow up to be Dorian. That makes sense, I guess. Boy is going to be...the villain of the story? Maybe? Way too early to conjecture on that, I suppose. Definitely intrigued by him, though.
  17. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    I'm glad you found some time. Thanks!

    Things of that nature will be expanded on in later chapters, I assure you

    Thanks! Oddly enough, the same thing happened to me as I wrote it haha

    I see what you're saying. I'll have to check on that, because my understanding of 'favoring', is that you are doing more with that limb than another because the other is somewhat incapacitated. You're favoring the one that's in good condition. I'll check on that to be sure, and If it needs to be changed I'll do so. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

    You're right. When I find some time I'll go back and change that.

    Thanks! I really appreciate the review you've given, and I'm eager to see what you think of later chapters.
  18. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie "It is my destiny."

    Finally caught up xD. I tend to fall out of fics from time to time, but since I was behind by two chapters, it wasn't that biggie a deal.

    Anyhoo, I've noticed you hadn't named the latest two chapters. Any reasoning for that? Wait... *looks back* Oh durr, you haven't been using names at all. Your "cause", "effect", and "aftermath" caused me to believe that. And now that I think about it, I don't think they were needed at all. We would've figured out what the chapter was about without that little reminder.

    Now to the two chapters I missed.

    I pity Ethan. He's going through so much pain to gather up these flakes, and yet these voices keep up this ruse of being friendly to him, and showing gratitude for saving them. Alakazam can see through this, but because of his loyalty to Ethan, he has to do as he says, even though it hurts him more. Man, that's dark.

    You really were convincing us Golduck wasn't going to make it, and the somber piano music I'm currently playing makes that hurt a lot (because the song's just that effective). Still, I am happy he's alive, even though he's going to be a changed duck from now on. I like the explanations the doctor gave about the gem. Something tells me you did some research a bit before writing that, or at least know a little bit about the brain (well, biology in general), because that's really impressive.

    And now I'm wishing I haven't looked at the other reviews, because Glover's assumption with the obsidian's burrowed itself into my head now. But even then, you have clearly planned these things out.

    I'm probably just imaging it since I haven't been keeping up with the story until just now, but I hope you're still PM'ing us. I'm gonna try my hardest not to slack off on this.
  19. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    I'm curious as to the relationship here. Are they roommates? Siblings? Parent and child? Lovers? I'm sure I'll get it eventually, but I'm kind of lost on it so far.

    I like that. It's like a good sitcom line.

    I like this, too, as it really makes them feel like pets (which I'm sure you've realized from my fic is how I more-or-less picture pokemon). A Machop getting harassed by an angry Sunflora...that really is kind of striking. I can see the Sunflora yipping at it when I recreate the scene in my head.

    Kind of a "show, don't tell" problem here: I'd rather the story display to me that he's a genius than the narration say it outright. :(

    Previously problem disregarded!

    I would MAYBE have liked a BIT more set-up here, but as it stands, it seems like an amazingly unlikely coincidence. This guy literally trips over an ancient artifact, and then 5 minutes later his scientist uncle calls him and says he's looking for it? That's one-in-a-trillion or so. :)

    Okay, I love all that.

    Good ending there. What kind of "power" is he getting from these things? He still seems ordinary, what with Alakazam having to save his life. So what are they doing to them? I'm sensing an eventual face turn from Alakazam, too, where he betrays his trainer and works to save him from what the flakes are doing to him.
  20. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    @ Kutie Pie

    I see what you're saying. I named those chapters because of the seriousness of the situations they faced. I think if I'm going to names the chapters, I should be more consistent, as to avoid confusion. I think I'm going to leave them the way that they are, but thanks for pointing that out.

    I can definitely say that their relationship is going to be quite interesting.

    I flirted with the idea of letting him die for a long time. With that music you had playing, I can see how it may have worked haha. I have had some schooling when it comes to biology, but most of my explanation with Golduck's brain/physiology is just stuff I made up. I've always loved Psyduck and Golduck, so over the years I've come up with alot of theories with how their mental prowess works. Thanks!

    I appreciate it, and I'll be sure to let you know. Thanks for the review!

    @ Sid87

    I mentioned once or twice before that line that they were roomates. Looking back at later chapters, I can see how their relationship would be confusing. Dorian is extremely impulsive, wereas Shelton is calculated and responsible. She acts like a parent towards him alot of the time, which is the main reason she's so cross towards him sometimes.

    lol, you'll see even more of stuff like this later.

    I see what you mean. I'll keep that in mind for later chapters

    Lol, it is unlikely. The reasoning behind that will become clear later on ;)

    That will be revealed with some of the chapters I've posted. Alakazam is in a complicated place. Even when he was an Abra so many years ago, he knew that Ethan should not get involved, but couldn't stop him. Now that he's grown and matured, he may end up being able to express himself to Ethan better. I hope so at least

    Thanks for the review!

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