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Requiem (PG-13)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Sidewinder, Mar 12, 2012.

  1. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    I figure you mean "body slam" in that he unintentionally rammed his body into them, but initially read it as "like when Hulk Hogan picked up and slammed Andre The Giant" and was very perplexed as to why the hell he would do that? I guess he DOES owe that Golduck. LOL. Not a mistake on your part, but my pop-culture ensoaked brain gave me a tremendously funny visual. Thanks for that!

    I can't believe I JUST thought of this: Why didn't the Pokeflect save Dorian from that attack, anyway? (I'm still SUPER interested in this device)

    Good last line. Very foreshadowy.

    I LOL'ed.

    Kind of a silly moment since we haven't seen this side of Shelton at all. But again...I LOL'ed.

    Was someonbe watching Mean Girls when they wrote this? It seems really derivative of the "fetch" dialogue.



    -I like the quick, zippy dialogue here, because I usually write a lot of that (my fic hasn't given me much of a chance yet, but que sera sera). I really like two characters going back-and-forth in a rapid succession. SOME of the lines there seemed a little forced (the "Last word freak" one stuck out to me), but by-and-large, it was a lot of fun to read. I enjoyed that part a lot.

    -It's good seeing the plot develop here, and I like the irony that Dorian is leaving Johto for Kanto while Ethan is doing the opposite. Good job removing both characters from their element. :) I look forward to getting to chapter 4 tomorrow.
     
  2. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Chapter 10


    “Finally,” Dorian said.

    “Yup,” Shelton agreed, giving him a quick smile.

    “I say that after we get paid, we buy enough food so that we don’t have to leave the house for a month.”

    “Oddly enough, I’m in complete agreement,” Shelton admitted.

    “My god, your head injury must be more severe than we thought.”

    “Shut it. Just because you had one good idea does not mean that I have a higher opinion of you. Besides, you still owe me for rent,” Shelton snarled.

    “Do you ever let anything go?” Dorian asked.

    “Not when it comes to money,” Shelton answered. “Or your awful decisions involving money, word usage, or dress sense.”

    “How about I just call Ronnie and see where he is,” Dorian suggested.

    “Good boy,” Shelton cooed, ruffling his hair.

    Dorian ducked out of her reach and walked a bit faster, muttering curses under his breath. The walk through Viridian Forest had only taken about two hours, and thankfully, it had been without incident. The woods were serene and silent, their colors exclaiming vibrant hues of gold, orange, and red. As Dorian and Shelton approached the borders of Pewter City, he whipped out his phone and called his uncle, bracing himself for his naturally booming voice. A tone sounded three times in rapid succession, signaling that his uncle had ignored his call. Confused, Dorian dialed again, only to be greeted by the same high pitched beeps. It was odd his uncle wasn’t answering, as he was probably expecting them by now.

    “Well,” Dorian started. “He’s not picking up. Should we just head to his house?”

    “Yeah,” Shelton huffed, clearly displeased by the situation.

    “He’s either there, or at the museum; his house is closer so let’s check there first,” Dorian suggested.

    “Yeah,” Shelton agreed, her fingers tracing the outline of a round bulge in her pocket.

    As they strode past the main entrance to the city, Dorian looked to the northeast and caught the familiar sight of the red roof of Ronnie’s house. Allowing himself a small smile, he looked over to Nuzleaf and Shelton, only to find them wearing the same expression. Ronnie would make their recent misfortune worthwhile; he would put them back into their usual mindset. His uncle always exuded a sense of calm and jovial happiness, and had always done his best to make him and Shelton feel welcome and comfortable; it was an unspoken promise he had kept ever since he started raising them.

    The trio walked with purpose, all three ready for some much deserved rest, all of them unaware of a Scyther watching them from just inside the nearby tree line.


    *********


    Ethan tightened his grip on Rapidash’s neck as he started to slip to the left. Just as he did however, he felt a gentle force press his body back into an upright position. Looking backwards, he saw a faint violet aura around his Alakazam. He noticed a similar aura taking shape around his own legs and waist; obviously Alakazam’s attempt to keep them both level on the galloping horse.

    The group blew through the entrance to Viridian City like a tornado, sending people in their way dashing to the left and right for safety. A small line of flames traced a path behind them, the result of the drying grass being exposed to Rapidash’s intense heat. People to the east and west of the city looking their direction were only able to make out a shining streak of yellow and orange, racing through the northern exit of the city like a meteorite.

    Ethan stared straight ahead, not noticing or caring for the sharp yells of the people they passed. Ethan was on the path to his destiny, on the road towards two hooligans that had stolen something very precious from him. He would take back the shard from them of course, that was just a byproduct of the vengeance that was about to be released. Besides their crime of thievery, they had threatened the voices, and for that they would be punished. He knew that they probably didn’t know what they had done, but it didn’t matter. Ignorance does not excuse a crime, and this was an offense that would not be forgiven.

    Maybe Scyther will have some suggestions,” Ethan thought, smiling at the thought of his Pokemon’s savagery.

    He felt Alakazam flinch behind him as the words crossed his mind; having no doubt that the psychic type had heard. Unfazed, Ethan used his heels to spurn Rapidash faster, his body starting to almost vibrate with eagerness. The forest they were traveling through morphed into a ring of brown and black as they sped up, Ethan’s eyes unable to focus due to the wind howling into them. He knew that Rapidash was already pushed to the edge of her abilities, but he dug his heels into her harder; fire in his eyes and murder in his heart.


    **********


    “Um, what?” Dorian asked.

    “Pretty much,” Shelton replied.

    They were standing about twenty feet from Ronnie’s front porch, stopped dead in their tracks by a withering mass of sparking electrical cables. The strands of thick plastic danced around about in a chaotic fashion, loud snaps ringing out as they discharged electricity. A crew of four men formed a square around the cables, waving their hands in warning as people walked by. They were all wearing identical blue jumpsuits with snowy white hardhats, their apparel streaked with layers of grime and sweat. The one closest to them saw them approaching and quickly trotted over, his hand fixed on the top of his head to keep his hard hat from bouncing off.

    “Sorry folk’s, but that’s as close as ya’ll are gonna get,” the man said, his vowels long and prominent.

    The man’s brow was drenched in sweat, which transitioned to his almost shoulder length hair that was of the same wet persuasion. A scraggly three-day growth of a beard was visible against intense hazel eyes. As he came to a stop in front of them, Dorian noticed two things. First, that the man was tanned and muscularly toned like that of a chiseled statue; the second thing was that Shelton was salivating like a hungry Houndoom.

    “What happened?” Dorian asked.

    “Well, the report we got was that a Scyther flew by not too long ago and thought it would be a good idea to slice the lines,” the man said, wiping a gloved hand across his forehead.

    “Shelton Street,” Shelton announced, pushing past Dorian and extending her hand.

    “Pleased to meet you, Ms. Street,” the man smiled, his gaze moving up and down across her body. “The name’s James Ford.”

    “Pleased to meet you, James,” Shelton grinned, her voice giggling as she said his name.

    “You ain’t from Pewter, are you?” James asked.

    “Originally no,” Shelton answered. “I lived here when I was younger, but moved away a few years ago.”

    “Well, I knew that before I asked,” James explained. “I couldn’t forget a pretty face like yours if I tried.”

    Dorian watched the scene before him unfold in disgust, completely unaccustomed to Shelton’s blatant flirting. She was swooning over this man with no regard to what she looked like; which to Dorian was akin to her asking for a three course dinner at a hardware store. Spying two children kicking a ball past them, Dorian took the opportunity to put Shelton out of her misery.

    “Excuse me, sir,” Dorian said, condescension obvious in his voice. “There are a couple kids about to get fried.”

    After looking over to his left, James took off in pursuit of the children passing the ball between themselves. Right before he was out of earshot he called, “I hope I see you soon, Ms. Street.”

    “I’ll be here for awhile!” Shelton called, her smile stretching from ear to ear.

    “Really?” Dorian asked, widening his eyes.

    “What?!” Shelton snapped.

    “You were pretty much undressing him with your eyes.”

    “No I wasn’t,” Shelton said. “I was just introducing myself.”

    “Right,” Dorian replied. “I forgot it’s common courtesy to make a puddle of saliva at your feet every time you meet a handyman.”

    “I was just being nice. Besides, he’s hot.”

    “No he’s not,” Dorian said. “He smelled like backwoods Unova trash and he looked like it too.”

    “Oh come on,” Shelton replied. “Seriously Dorian, every woman between twelve and ninety-five with a pulse would think he’s hot.”

    “Did you just come up with that, or is that saying something you’ve heard somewhere before?”

    “It’s pretty common around women,” Shelton explained.

    “Well just so you know, I think it’s pretty stupid.”

    “I feel pretty bad about it now that you’ve said that,” Shelton said sarcastically. “I’ll be sure to act completely asexual around men from now on.”

    “Like I care who you get busy with,” Dorian said. “All I’m saying is that you could raise your standards a little bit.”

    “Nunuz!” Nuzleaf agreed.

    “You’re both morons,” Shelton moaned, clearly exasperated by the conversation.

    Just as Shelton was about to expand on her point, Dorian felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Flipping his phone open, he said, “You better have a good reason for ignoring my call, I feel almost violated.”

    “Where are you?” Ronnie asked, his voice reeking of desperation. “You guys are in Pewter by now, right?”

    “We’re actually right in front of your house,” Dorian assured him. “Where are you?”

    “It’s actually kind of complicated. I’m leaving the museum, but I’m under a sort of academic house arrest. The director gave the order to send the excavation team out a few days earlier than expected, which forced me to tell him about your discovery.”

    “So he’s pissed?”

    “To say the least. He was angry at first that I kept this from him, but his mood quickly changed as he realized that the find could save the museum a lot of money. The pictures you sent me sufficed for the moment, but he’s asked me to get the marker from you and bring it to him.”

    “Well we got it,” Dorian said. “Should we bring it to your office?”

    “Don’t worry about it,” Ronnie replied. “I’m already on my way to the house, so I’ll just grab it when I get there. There’s still a composition test I want to do before I present it.”

    “Were you able to talk to him about paying us for it?” Dorian asked, trying to hide the longing in his voice.

    “I wasn’t, but I’ll get to it after I give him the marker. He’s more likely to be charitable if he’s in a good mood.”

    “Sounds good.”

    “I’ll see you in about twenty minutes,” Ronnie informed him. “Bye.”

    “Bye,” Dorian repeated, flipping the phone shut and returning it to his pocket.

    He looked over to Nuzleaf and Shelton to tell them what Ronnie said, but stopped when he noticed what appeared to be a fire near the southern entrance of the city. Squinting, he saw the fire flare brighter for a second, then vanish completely in a flash of red light. After deciding that it was probably just some random trainer battle, he turned back to his roommate.

    “Was that Ronnie?” Shelton quickly asked.

    “Yeah,” Dorian replied. “He’s coming.”


    **********


    Ethan quickly dismounted his Rapidash as she trotted to a stop. They were situated at the outskirts of Pewter, only a stone’s throw away from the southern gate. He quickly looked around for his Scyther, dry grass crunching loudly beneath his boots.

    “Call her,” Ethan instructed his Alakazam.

    “Kazam,” he nodded, closing his eyes and letting his thoughts inch their way across the circumference of the city.

    Confident that his Scyther would arrive momentarily, Ethan turned back to examine the city. A red shingled Pokemon Center sat up the right, while farther back and to the left resided an almost depressed looking market; its blue roof cracked and weathered with age. Houses were strewn across the city like random fallen raindrops, with no order or discernible pattern to their placement. Slabs of rock decorated the ground every few hundred feet, some no bigger than basketballs, while others were as large as cars; a testament to the city’s rocky beginning.

    Ethan hated all of it; it was so, unorganized. There weren’t even clear paths for people to walk on, instead there were just random trails of stomped grass crisscrossing in every direction. This poor excuse of a city was nothing compared to his home in Saffron, where manicured lawns and glass high-rises reigned supreme. Ethan would deal with this situation quickly and get back home; back to a place with proper people and actual order.

    “Rapidash,” Ethan started, pulling out her pokeball. “The project we’re on requires more stealth, and unfortunately you draw too much attention.”

    “Neii,” Rapidash whined, spitting out the grass she had been eating.

    “I know, but it’s for the best,” Ethan informed her. “Once we get back home you can have some free time outside, but for the moment you need to do as I say.”

    “Niieee,” she huffed, the flames on her mane billowing higher.

    Ethan pressed the return button on her pokeball, enveloping her in ruby light and returning her to its confines. He pocketed the ball and looked back over to Alakazam, whose face was still scrunched up in concentration.

    “She coming?” Ethan asked.

    “Kazazam,” the Pokemon replied, inclining his head towards the tree line.

    There was a rustling of limbs, and a shadow appeared between the nearest trees. Scyther forced herself through the tight overgrowth, making an effort to keep her left arm hidden behind her back. Her eyes lit up as she saw her master, and shuffled over to stand next to Alakazam.

    “Did you find them?” Ethan asked her.

    “Sai,” Scyther affirmed.

    “Good, let’s go then,” Ethan smiled, gesturing for her to take the lead.

    “Scyther,” she said nervously, turning back towards the tree line.

    Before she took a step however, Ethan quickly jumped forward and grabbed her left arm, twisting it roughly towards himself. The sword that made up his Pokemon’s lower arm had been burned severely, turning her dark green color a putrid black. Scyther looked back at him guiltily, trying to wrench her arm out of his grasp.

    “What happened?” Ethan hissed.

    “Sai,” she explained. “Scythersai.”

    “And you thought that would be funny?” Ethan questioned.

    “Saisa,” she moaned as his grip tightened.

    “Stop,” Ethan ordered. “It serves you right. Slicing electrical cables is something a Beedrill would do, not you. Did I not express how important this was? What were you thinking?”

    “Sai,” she replied, hanging her head.

    “You’re not getting off that easy,” Ethan replied, clamping down on her arm so hard that his hand began to cramp.

    “Scyther!” she yelled, tearing her arm from his gasp. Her sword came loose quickly, though not before it tore a pencil width gash across his wrist. She held her arm to her chest, trying her best to look apologetic; which was something she rarely succeeded at, owing to the fact that she was never sorry about anything.

    “This is important, and there is no room for error,” Ethan informed the frightened bug. Wincing, he flexed his right arm and closed his eyes in an effort to center himself. After a moment, he opened them again to see the wound on his wrist healing, black smoke drifting out of the hole. Moments later, the cut was gone, leaving no trace that it had ever happened.

    “Saisai,” Scyther explained, pointing with her uninjured arm back through the trees.

    “Lead the way,” Ethan said.

    Fuming with more anger than he had before he got to town, Ethan followed his Scyther into the dense forest, trying his best not to make any noise. Alakazam followed behind, doing rapid multiplication in his head to occupy his mind. The trio quickly made their way across the town, keeping far enough into the forest that they couldn’t be seen. After a few minutes, Scyther halted, staring at a house about a hundred yards away.

    They were there, in all their thieving glory. A red mist came over Ethan and he started forward, his hands shaking with rage. Alakazam grabbed him right before he got out of reach, causing him to turn around. The psychic Pokemon pointed towards the group Ethan was walking towards, motioning at the numerous other people that were walking nearby.

    Ethan took a breath to calm himself. His Alakazam was right; it was far too crowded to risk any sort of unprovoked attack. With slow and deliberate steps, Ethan pushed himself through the woods to peek around the last tree that separated the two groups. As he came to the edge of the trees, the shard in his pocket began to vibrate.


    ********


    He should be here any minute,” Dorian thought, looking to the west for any sign of his uncle.

    Shaking his head, he returned back to the game he and Nuzleaf were playing. The game was an amalgamation of different situations they’ve been put through over the years, and they were still in the process of perfecting the rules. Basically, they faced each other about fifteen yards away from each other and stood completely still. One of them expanded a pokeball, and threw it at the other as hard as they could. You could aim for any area on the person you wished, but if you flinched or dodged out of the way, you earned yourself a penalty. Their current penalty was that the other person could give them a punch to the gut, without any sort of padding or protection whatsoever. To them it was a fair game, because if you showed courage, you usually took a pokeball to the skull, and if you showed cowardice, you were rewarded with a punch to the stomach. The only real way to win was for the other person to miss every time while remaining completely still.

    “Ready for the noise?!” Dorian yelled, throwing the ball.

    “Nunuz!” Nuzleaf answered, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. The ball missed him by several feet, causing him to blow Dorian a raspberry and take off after it.

    “Dammit,” Dorian grumbled.

    A laugh to his left caused him to look over. Machoke was giggling slightly at Dorian’s failed attempt, his voice much deeper than it had been as a Machop. On one hand, Dorian was glad Machoke had calmed down enough to relax, as there had been a pretty stressful situation when he was released a few minutes ago.

    Dorian had been talking to Shelton as he and Nuzleaf lined up to play their game when she had decided to release Machoke for the first time since returning him right after he had evolved. The fighting Pokemon had materialized in a shower of white energy, standing almost as tall as Dorian in his new form. The only problem was, he had taken shape completely nude. As soon as Machoke’s eyes took in his new form and the area he was in, he quickly started crying and covering his lower body in embarrassment. Shelton had tried to calm him down, only to have her Pokemon start stomping the ground in angst, creating cracks in the road with his newfound brawn. Machoke had only calmed down once Dorian pulled out a pair of his own boxer briefs from his bag and handed them to him.

    Now, Machoke was seated on the ground next to Shelton, Dorian’s boxers being stretched to their limit by his bulging muscles. Shelton was sitting next to him, her head leaning against her Pokemon’s shoulder. She hadn’t stopped touching Machoke since he had emerged from his ball, convinced that something else would befall him if he wandered too far away from her.

    “It’s not as easy as you might think. So how about you mind your own busi-,” Dorian started, only to be cut off by a fiery glaze sent at him by Shelton.

    Just as Dorian turned back towards Nuzleaf, he paused, his back pocket was vibrating. It was odd though, as he distinctly remembered putting his phone in his front pocket. Shaking his head, he reached into his back pocket and pulled it out; but it wasn’t his phone he had retrieved, it was the shard. It was pulsing lightly, almost like a gentle heartbeat. Dorian didn’t understand why the marker was moving. It didn’t have anything inside it, at least to the best of his knowledge it didn’t.

    “Why are you looking at that thing like that?” Shelton asked.

    “I don’t see how, but this thing is vibrat-,” Dorian said, only to be cut off by the sudden impact of a pokeball hitting him in the side of the head.

    “Nuuhnuz!” Nuzleaf cackled loudly.

    “You little bastard!” Dorian yelled, bending down and picking up the ball. “I wasn’t paying attention! That’s a free shot from ten feet!”

    “Nuzleaf!” his Pokemon called, blowing him another raspberry.

    In a rage, Dorian darted forward, the pokeball in his right hand, the pulsing shard in his left. As he closed to about ten feet away, Dorian drew back and hurled the ball at Nuzleaf, its red surface gleaming. Nuzleaf barely ducked in time as the ball streaked towards him, causing it to miss him by several inches. The ball continued on its course, slicing through the air like a knife. As it connected with the hedge that circled Ronnie’s house, there was a loud squeal, a flash of white light, and a tiny snap as it closed itself back up.

    “Nu?” Nuzleaf asked, prying himself out of a headlock.

    “I don’t know, go check,” Dorian replied.

    “Nunuz!” Nuzleaf answered, shaking his leaf from side to side.

    “What was that flash?” Shelton asked as she and Machoke jogged up.

    “Well, the Pokeball hit the hedge, and we heard something yell,” Dorian explained.

    “Go get it then, dummy,” Shelton said.

    “I know what to do,” Dorian replied, walking over to the hedge.

    It took him a moment to dig through the thick foliage, but his hands found the trembling pokeball. Standing back up, he rolled it in his hand, his mind a mix of anticipation and confusion. With a loud ding, the return button of the ball blinked red rapidly, signaling a successful capture.

    “Well,” Shelton inquired.

    “I uh, caught something,” Dorian informed her.

    “Nunuz?” Nuzleaf chimed in.

    “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Dorian asked. “I didn’t see what it was.”

    “Nuzleaf,” he countered.

    “Yeah, open it,” Shelton agreed.

    “Alright,” Dorian said, slightly unsure of himself. “I should just do that. Yeah, I’ll just open it.”

    Taking a quick breath, Dorian pressed the return button, opening the ball and spilling out its contents. A shape began to materialize on the ground in front of them, bathing their half circle in a bright white glow. Starting at the ground, a thick black tail in the winding shape of a coil appeared, followed by a sizeable, similarly colored tube-like stomach. Two stubby arms became visible next, followed by two rosy circles of fur underneath inky black eyes. By far the most distinguishing characteristic of the now fully formed Pokemon was a large pink pearl clamped tightly between its tiny ears.

    “Is that?” Shelton asked.

    “Pretty sure it is,” Dorian agreed.

    “Spoink?” the small Pokemon uttered, its large flat nose sniffing the air.

    “Well hello,” Dorian said. “How’s it going?”

    “Spoink?” the Pokemon repeated, looking at Dorian like he was some sort of extraterrestrial. Its eyes drifted over the rest of the group, narrowing slightly when it came to the hulking form of Machoke. Coming back to Dorian, the Spoink spied the open pokeball clutched in Dorian’s right hand. Its eyes widened to the extreme, and its mouth dropped open.

    “Yeah, I kind of inadvertently caught you,” Dorian said, grinning sheepishly.

    “SPOINK!” the pokemon bellowed, bobbing up and down very rapidly.

    As the sound escaped the psychic Pokemon’s mouth, several things happened at once. Nuzleaf leapt forward, drawing back his fist, Machoke grabbed Shelton from behind and turned around, shielding her with his body, and a pink glow shot out of the Spoink’s pearl and enveloped Dorian from head to toe.

    “Wai-,” Dorian started, only to stop short as he was yanked off the ground and thrown backwards through the air. Dorian’s vision blurred as he flew backwards, the world passing by him too quickly to focus. Just before the force carrying him dropped its hold, he managed to turn his head around to see where he was going to land. Dorian began flailing his arms wildly in vain, yelling through clenched teeth as his body came down on the twitching mass of sliced electrical cables in front of his uncle’s house.

    Pain, unimaginable pain, coursed through his body in torrents as the electricity surged across his flesh. Almost as soon as that one agonizing second commenced, it was over, and he pushed himself up off the ground. Shivering and covered with goose bumps, Dorian struggled to understand why the temperature had changed so dramatically. Remembering what he had fallen into, Dorian quickly leaped to the left, putting him out of the way of the cables.

    As he looked down to where he had just jumped from, he gasped. His body was still lying on the ground, twitching and contorting in agony as electricity billowed across it. He almost fainted on the spot as he looked at his body on the ground, his mind being torn in half by the paradox that was taking shape in front of him. He was standing to the side, he wasn’t still on the cables; he had jumped, hadn’t he? As he watched his body on the ground, he noticed two things. First, that his body on the ground was spasming far too slowly; and looking up he could see Nuzleaf in the distance running towards his body on the ground, but he was moving slow as well, like he was stuck in slow motion. The second thing he noticed was that the blue electricity surging across his frame on the ground was all moving to one point, to the shard still clutched in his left hand.

    Dorian raised his left hand in his standing body and saw that the same shard was in that hand as well, the only difference being that it was glowing. How was it in both hands? Despite the fact that he was having an out of body experience, that question kept forcing its way into his mind. How were they in both hands? Just as he asked himself the question again, the black shard started pulsing. Harder and harder it pulsed, vibrating so hard that Dorian could barely hang on to it. He couldn’t understand the situation unfolding in front of him; it was so far beyond the realm of his comprehension that all he could do was stare blankly at the softly glowing object. Well, almost all he could do. He figured out he could still scream; which is exactly what he did when the shard wrapped itself around his left hand and yanked him into the sky.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2012
  3. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    Woo! "Filler chapter!" :D

    Considering the narrator is not a "character" (at least has not been portrayed as such), it seems odd for the narrator to say something like "Well, almost all of them". It sounds a bit too colloquial for an unquestioned narration. Do you know what I mean? There's nothing wrong with giving your narrator some flavor and personality, but it hasn't had one to this point, so this threw me.

    I love Love LOVE the portrayal of evolution as this long, drawn-out process. It almost makes me wish you had made it even more protracted by having some elements of Trapinch change gradually (its coloration or appendages or eyes...some small physical change to show the painful awkwardness and relate it more too adolescence), but I still love this concept.

    Not as much as the Pokeflect! But still. :)

    *UNfamiliar. Just a typo.

    Yeah, see...that was good. Very powerful visuals. I just would liked to have seen hints of the changes earlier. But still...very nice!

    You like to make fun of the game tropes. That was at least two right there. It's fun to ridicule the sillier aspects of the games, but be careful not to overdo it. It's hard to juxtapose the realism of Trapinch's bloody, pain evolution against the silliness of those things. I know that you are ridiculing the silliness of them, but it's still feeling a TAD BIT forced to do so. But don't worry, it's amusing to read either way.

    -What an odd note to end the chapter on. It makes me feel there is more to this kid and his Beedrill than meets the eye. I'm curious as to how this battle wraps up and what it's leading to, so I might sneak a peak at chapter 5 before heading off.

    As far as filler chapters go, this wasn't bad. I like filler because it develops character. We didn't really get MUCH of that here, but the writing was still very enjoyable.
     
  4. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Lone Vanguard

    All caught up! But I'm on my iPod right now so I can't give an in depth review. As I told you already, I loved chapter 8. It has to be my favorite so far. I had thought you killed Golduck. I was going to cry, but I'm happy to see that he is alive. The Graveler incident wrapped up very nicely. I expect both Dorian and Shelton to grow from it. I love how you portrayed Shelton when she saw the workman. Seems like you have women pinned down. ;P Ethan becoming more and more frustrated was a nice touch. It seems he's ready to pull his hair out. Keep up the good work. Until next time.
     
  5. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Well, I think it would have protected him but it wasn't activated at the time. The device needs to be switched on to be able to block attacks. So if he's not in a battle or dangerous situation, I think he leaves it off to save power.

    Lol now that I think about it, it is pretty similar. However, no, its my own invention. I use that catch phrase irl, and it annoys my fiance to no end.

    I see what you're saying on that bit. To be completely honest I didn't even think of that so thanks for bringing it to my attention.

    I see what you mean. You're actually the second person to suggest that very thing. I flirted with the idea before, but with Trapinch I decided that the way I went was my favorite. Who knows, you may see some of what you suggested if any more of their pokemon evolve.

    On one hand, I was making fun of the games, but the main reason the kid said those things because his character is really bent on following rules at all costs and sticking to exactly what his manual says. That'll become apparent in later chapters as he slowly works himself back into the story. I'll keep what you said in mind.

    ;)
     
  6. Glover

    Glover Pain in Rocket side

    Working on a review and saw this. I have a problem with that form of evolution. It makes snese to me for a Pokemon to be preparing, like a bear for hibernation, and then let the actual change happen more instantaniously, but if you go the drawn out route, what do you do with Pokemon liek Remoraid? Halfway through evolution,. uyou have this finless red rock thing with dumpy little limbs not quite long enough to move its proportionally oversize head, and the flins it had as a Remoraid have mostly retreated into its Octillery body. You have this fish that can't feed itself...

    my tw cents, anyway. Personally, I subscribe to a theory that the white light, or any of the lights including the Pokeball mechanisms, is not the body, but the soul momentarily exposed.
     
  7. PhantomDragon

    PhantomDragon KANINER!

    Hey. :) Said I'd review this, so I will, but good chapter overall imo.

    On the subject of the evolution method, I think it's a good idea and waaay more realistic than in the games and anime, but I see Glover's point about certain Pokémon that would struggle with this method. But what if certain Pokémon, such as Remoraid, had developed faster evolution so that they wouldn't have to go as long without food? That's just an idea on my part, feel free to say it's terrible.

    I think you portray the relationship between Dorian and Shelton really well. You have a good balance between Shelton's scathing nudges but not making it seem too forced.

    Another thing I like is the way you're portraying Ethan. He's slowly getting more and more violent in his pursuit of Dorian and Shelton, and the fact that Alakazam doesn't wholly agree with him is a nice touch on the lines of making sure all the Pokémon have personalitites. It also means he's a tiny bit more unpredictable.

    I LOL'ed.

    Love Dorian's reaction to this as well.

    I felt this was awkwardly worded. To me, "I feel almost violated" doesn't make a lot of sense.

    Tbh, I was expecting Rapidash to be more tired after Ethan had pushed her so hard earlier.

    So that's one of the complications with his evolution. Nice touch, plus it makes sense that Machoke wouldn't have been able to create the pants from evolving after needing so much energy to evolve after being injured in the first place.

    ...WHAT? Argh, massive cliffhanger! ;_; I hope Dorian doesn't die. I like Dorian.

    So many cliffhangers! The last paragraph was well done though, I thought Dorian's confusion and fear over how he managed to jump out of his own body was well expressed.

    I know I ought to point out the negative points of this fic as well as going "You portrayed this well, you wrote that well", but tbh I can't see anything that you desparately need to work on. Future reviews probably won't be quite as in-depth (by my standards anyway), but they will definitely come. Looking forward to the next chapter.
     
  8. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    I see your point as well. I like my idea of spontaneous violent evolution the best, but subtle changes beforehand, like change of eye color, skin color, beginnings of a tail, etc, are something that I may or may not decide to do. As long as the small changes don't affect the Pokemon to the point where they can't function normally, I don't see a problem with it. Lol, I'll probably end up sticking to my version

    I've never heard that theory before. Did you make it up? Or is it a well known theory?

    I see what you mean. If you read my response to Glover, I think it should clear that up. Thanks for the input!

    Thanks! Their relationship is one area I think is really integral to the story, so its been something I've been trying really hard on. Thanks for noticing.

    You're right, it does feel somewhat awkward. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

    I'm sure she was, which is why the first thing she did after she was able to rest was start eating.

    I have a couple irl friends who don't know anything about Pokemon who read this, and the first thing my buddy did after he read the last paragraph was throw a beer bottle at me aha

    Thanks for the review, I'm glad you took the time to read it ^^
     
  9. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    I like their interactions here a lot. You do a good job at showing how they get along yet how they like to playfully fight with each other. (Also, this is like my dream situation. I like being lazy.)
    Well, this explains a lot. Yay for Dorian and Shelton backstory! Now that I think about it, anyway, I prefer them to have sibling-like relationship rather than a romantic one.

    I really liked this line. I like the mixture of determination for giving themselves a chance to rest, yet us, as the readers, know that that rest probably isn’t coming any time soon.

    I wouldn’t really use the word “obviously” in third person. It can make the readers feel dumb especially if they don’t realize what you’re actually trying to say. Also expecting your readers to know things is silly. If you said, however: “it was obvious to Ethan that Alakazam was trying to keep them both level…” or something, that’d be fine, since it’s attributed to your character, not the readers. Hope that makes sense.

    Tense change here. Should be: “did not excuse”

    Amusing. Oh, Shelton, you’re such a flirt.

    Even more amusing. I’d totally like to see this scene. And it’s just like Dorian to be like… what the hell are you doing?

    LOL. A course a guy would say no. Also, I like the hint of Dorian not liking people from other regions. I’ve seen a lot of rivalry between regions being implemented in fics, and I’ve always found it pretty interesting. It’s kind of like the pokémon version of racism… since no one ever seems to have actual race prominent in their fics.

    Nuzleaf randomly showing up LOL. If even the pokémon know you’re kinda going around too much, then that sounds like a pretty big deal.

    Lol, at first I think Ronnie, but you cut this section off at the perfect point to where the readers realizes—well, ****, Ethan’s coming too.

    This is a very interesting and descriptive take on Pewter City. Yeah, it’s supposed to be a really ancient city and kind of old, but the games/anime never really show that. I like this a lot.

    As evil as it sounds, I really like this part. It shows just how serious Ethan is about this situation. He’s willing to go pretty damn far for it, even if it means that his pokémon get hurt.

    Poor Machoke. This is a pretty interesting take on the pokémon. Usually they’re all supposed to have heavyweight belts or something, but it just doesn’t make sense for them to materialize out of nowhere. I like this realistic take on Machoke. It also gave great insight to his character. :p Poor guy.

    I also liked the ending a lot. Looks like Dorian’s going through something similar that Ethan does because of the stone. Out-of-body experiences can certainly be interesting.

    Overall, your description was really good in this chapter, as usual. I could see everything very clearly. There was also a lot more interactive dialogue in this chapter, I think… And I think you’re getting a lot better at it. You really know how to portray a character’s personality and such through their words alone, which is a good skill to have. Anyway, I look forward to seeing more. :)
     
  10. Knightfall

    Knightfall Blazing Wordsmith

    Sorry for the delay, but its here now. I tried to find any remaining grammatical errors, but I’m still not that good in that area, so please correct me if any of my statements prove to be false. Well, let’s get started.

    Requiem, an interesting choice for a story title. It means a church service for someone who has died, or a piece of music for that service, a slightly morbid piece of foreshadowing in my opinion. Still, catchy title.


    I don’t think that there should be a comma after Granite Cave. There is no pause in the sentence that requires it.

    Supposed to be inseparable.

    A very well written start to this story. You explain the boy’s childhood and give us many details of his situation including the fact that he has an Abra with similar issues. The scene with the chamber is a little rushed in my opinion, going from the boy losing sight of the tour group to being attacked by a wild Pokemon to getting dragged through a wall to the alter and the crystal, but this is the prologue so I guess its all right if its short.


    Not sure on your take on capitalizing move names, either way for this situation the move name starts the sentence, so I believe it has to be capitalized.

    Supposed to have a semicolon there not a comma.

    Again, supposed to be a semicolon.

    Not so much an grammatical issue, but the quotation mark is backwards.

    I think that a semicolon is supposed to be there instead of the comma, but I may be mistaken. It could be the way I’m reading the sentence.

    A great chapter, you described the Growlithe battle with much detail as well as introducing Dorian and Nuzleaf. Shelton is well on her way to becoming my favorite character, her no-nonsense attitude and treatment of Dorian who is a polar opposite of her make for quite the funny scene.
    I’d like to mention the passage at the end of the chapter. This man is a strange character, he doesn’t show the signs of an outright antagonist-in fact the prologue makes him seem more like a protagonist with his new powers and the voices. You set up his story so that his quest will eventually intersect with Dorian and Shelton now that Dorian has that artifact.

    Nothing wrong with this passage, I just found it funny. It’s a sign of a good author when they can input humor into a story and not detract from the main plot.

    First off, marker’s is supposed to be markers, and its should be it’s.
    Small errors.

    Again, a well written chapter. A few grammatical errors, but the number of them is decreasing as more chapters pass. Which is always a good sign of improvement.
    We see the financial situation that Dorian and Shelton are in, which, provides a good incentive for them to deliver the artifact to Dorian’s uncle (I know that doesn’t happen until chapter three, but I’m pointing it out now).
    And the man’s quest for the shards, and absorbing them, nice description with that.

    And now we are introduced to a new character of sorts, the voices. While we don’t know whether the man is the villain of this story yet, we know that it is these voices that guide him on his quest for some unknown reason. You’re introducing his character slowly, so that the readers only see a small bit of his personality at a time. A nice touch, his “destiny” adds another bit of mystery to the plot.


    Supposed to be you’re.

    I think that’s supposed to be owner’s, and it made me laugh.

    Oh God, bad catch phrases, also “its” should be it’s.

    I’m not sure on this one, but it sounds better if it said “quickly” not “quick”.

    The few errors aside, a good chapter. This is where the real adventure begins. I find it a little strange that Dorian just found that rare artifact covered by a thin layer of dirt, while the others were in hidden, underground chambers that had to be forced open with a Pokemon attack. I realize that it’s for the plot, but I’m not sure why this certain artifact was so easy to find. Just a little oddity I was wondering about.

    As of this chapter, Dorian and Shelton, and even Ethan’s characters seem to be developing steadily, with details of back-story and personality being revealed gradually as to not overwhelm readers. You have an excellent balance of plot development, character development, details, and humor. You also make the Pokemon very memorable and make their individual personalities shine. Yet another reason why I enjoy this story.

    Well that's it for Part One of my review of this fic, Parts Two and Three should be up in the upcomming days.

    Knightfall signing off...;005;
     
  11. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    CHAPTER 5 REVIEW!

    Okay, ouch.

    When you are doing quick back-and-forth dialogue, you don't need the names and verbs ("Dorian exclaimed", etc. Just let it flow, untagged line after untagged line. It will feel a LOT more natural, and will read just as it is supposed to. As long as each character has a distinctive voice, the readers should be able to keep up with the flow for several lines at a time.

    I LOVE the part about the Geodude/Graveler/Whatever communicating through vibration. That's incredibly realistic and creative. I'm not enamored with the "Upon closer inspection, legs and arms became visible" line because that sounds almost like script direction than actual prose. Do you get what I mean?

    Lovely line, that.

    -The ending was fantastic, and I loved the bit with Golduck and Machop and their relationship with Golduck trying to reassure, and later protect him. This is a nice, interesting plot twist to interrupt the main storyline. No Ethan, just the new threat of angry Gravelers. And the two biggest threats to them were neutralized first? Angry SMART Gravelers.
     
  12. SilentMemento

    SilentMemento Lone Wolf

    Alright, time to dissect the latest chapter. I'm going to start off with the grammar, so that it can be fixed:

    The semi-colon needs to be a comma. Semi-colons indicate that a sentence can be split into two separate ones without being fragments. Commas separate the fragments that wouldn't pass as regular sentences. If you don't want to replace the semi-colon, you might want to replace "having" with "he had".

    The bolded semi-colon needs to be a comma, while the bolded comma needs to be a semi-colon. However, you may want to add the word "were" between the words "eyes" and "unable", since the sentence wouldn't sound right otherwise.

    I know that the worker is supposed to have a bit of an accented drawl, and I love the fact that you gave him a noticeable accent and personality; it makes him all the more memorable. However, the two bolded words were misspelled. "Folks" shouldn't have an apostrophe; it's a single word that would denote Dorian and Shelton. And the apostrophe in "y'all" is supposed to be between the "y" and the "a", since it's a shortened version of "you all".

    Semi-colon should be a comma.

    All of the bolded words in these quotes should have a comma between them.

    Semi-colon should be a comma.

    The first bolded comma (between the words "so" and "unorganized") should be cut out. The second bolded comma should be a semi-colon, and the bolded semi-colon should be a comma.

    The semi-colon should be a comma, and the sentence "it was the shard" should be separated altogether. I understand what you're trying to do with the bolded comma, but it should actually be a dash, with a comma added between the words "least" and "to".

    "It didn't have anything inside it - at least, to the best of his knowledge it didn't."

    There should be a comma between the two bolded words.

    Semi-colon should be a comma.

    ...Okay, now that we're done with all of the grammatical stuff, let me conclude with some random thoughts on the characters:

    I actually felt sorry for Scyther, and I don't blame her at all for lashing out at her trainer. Hell, I don't think she should've apologized for that; what Ethan did to her was completely unnecessary and cruel, especially when she showed that she did feel bad about cutting the cable wires. I also felt sorry for Rapidash; he pushed her way beyond her limits and then wouldn't let her rest or eat. I truly think that Ethan, in his madness, is going to end up killing one of his own Pokemon. I just wonder if it would be an accident or on purpose. I also wonder which one would end up paying the ultimate price.

    The characterization of Dorian and Shelton was nice to see. It's really amusing to see their interactions with each other. The part where Shelton fell head over heels for a mere electrician and Dorian's reaction was especially hilarious.

    I don't think that Dorian's going to die this early in the story, but now that the shard has been activated by him, I do wonder if he's going to start hearing the voices as well. I also wonder how he's going to deal with Spoink after it freaked out over its capture and accidentally hurt him in the process.

    Either way, I'm loving how this story is coming together. You just have to clear up the grammatical bits. Otherwise, this is fantastic.

    Sincerely,

    Mem.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2012
  13. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    "[C]hucked". Unless they spewed them at him. Which...ew. :)

    I was curious about this. Is it a Graveler power, to increase the size of the rocks? Or was it just describing the change in Nuzleaf's percerption of them as they got closer to him?

    You're going to get REAL TIRED, REAL FAST of me talking about the Pokeflect, but to me, it's such a fascinating concept. Would the Pokeflect work if given TO a pokemon? If not, why not just give them some? I can imagine that in battle they'd be barred, but for just journeying around? Hell, I'd give my Pokemon at least one! It would make them indestructible to random acts like this.

    Wow, obscure reference for the win. When I first read that, I thought "What, like the cartoon rooster?" I can just see Shuppet saying "Why, I say, son, I say...!"

    Also, very creative. Combining attacks to make a multi-purpose kind of blast. Very well-done creatively. I can imagine only about a thousand uses for such a concept. :)

    I would imagine Graveler do not have "flesh". ;)

    I'm telling you, this entire story could be about the Pokeflect, and I'd be happy. What a wonderful toy.


    -I have to say, I'm obviously not happy that Golduck had to die, but it almost had to happen. Golduck had, to this point and ESPECIALLY in this chapter, proven to be way too powerful. Not that he shouldn't have been, but it had me thinking "What can really stand up to this thing?" So it makes sense he had to sacrifice himself. I'm guessing some of the humor is going to fade out now, at least on some scale. Dorian probably won't be so headstrong and fun-loving now that he's seen someone so close to him perish. Which is kind of a shame, but I'll see where you go from here. :)
     
  14. Bulba the Great!

    Bulba the Great! We Do Not Sow

    Hi! I'm new to this fic and as such have only read through chapter one, but I'm totally hooked. The Pokeflect is a nice touch, sounding like a very real invention that totally would be needed as technology increases. I like the world you've created, and I'm intrigued as to how the Granite Cave boy will connect with Dorian. I also really enjoy his Trapinch's gradual shift to evolution. It's a neat touch.
     
  15. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    Okay, time to get through as much of this as I can here tonight!

    Chapter 7!

    Oof. This made me wince. Good description.

    Okay, I was curious as to why Golduck just...exploded earlier. Not saying that it wasn't well-written to end chapter six, but I thought the Gravelers had exploded IT. This way makes more sense; I had just misunderstood, I guess.

    This shocked me out of the story because, to my knowledge, the narration had not previously been attached to Shelton. Yet, all of the sudden, here it was, and the reader was inside her head instead of Dorian's. I might have missed the narration being inside everyone's head earlier, but I thought it was exclusive to Dorian (except with Ethan and Alakazam were "on-screen").

    Oh? What is this tasty morsel? Foreshadowing AND character development? Me likey.

    Oh jeez. Yeah, that's definitely dead. Eep.

    Or maybe not.


    -I'm not sure what I think about Golduck possibly being alive. In chapter 6 I thought Golduck was overpowered and that was before I realize he caused that explosion...and was able to survive it. I'm not sure at this point what could possibly threaten these two characters with this Golduck on their team (except, possibly an even more powerful psychic type, and GEE WHERE MIGHT THEY ENCOUNTER ONE OF THOSE? ;) )

    -I like the notion of Machop's body basically forcing an evolution as a means of survival. It makes even more sense why you've chosen to display evolution the way you had previously now. Very foresightful of you. It was quite a unique desperation tactic by Machop's body, though. I wonder just how common this may or may not be. Hm.

    -You know what? I haven't missed Ethan at all. I have adored the chapters recently without him. I don't mean to say that he wasn't interesting, but it was a joy to read all the Graveler stuff without interruption.
     
  16. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    FYI, I read chapters 8 and 9 without going through and taking notes because I'm trying to expedite the process of getting to where you are currently. It's a shame because chapter 9 was an absolute treat. Some of the most vivid and realistic detail I've ever read in any kind of fan fiction. And I enjoyed it because I dig Dorian and Shelton more than Ethan still. :)
     
  17. Knightfall

    Knightfall Blazing Wordsmith

    Well, here it is. The much promised Part Two.



    Just a normal typo, or the usage of a never before seen language.

    I believe that this should be “a” not “an”. It sounds better that way.

    Ahh, description, wonderful description. You describe evolution more vividly than any other fan fiction I’ve read. It’s better than the many generic “flash of white light” evolutions I always see.

    Might just be me, but I don’t think a comma is needed after hissed.

    Nothing wrong here, I just like to point out the parts that made me laugh or otherwise emotionally react.

    I see why you called this chapter a filler. Other than Trapinch evolving and Dorian and Ethan seeing each other for the first time, not much happened really. At least you added the humorous dialogue between the young trainer and Dorian; it reminds me why I dislike them in the first place.



    Wha? No errors? Yes, you read right, I did not detect any grammatical errors in the chapter. Give yourself a pat on the back, or something. You deserve it.

    Anyways, the chapter itself. The beginning of a series of very emotional and action packed chapters. The stalemated battle and the banter between Dorian and the kid was entertaining. And then we have the tunnel/path/construction site/cliff/gorge/thing and violent back-story of the Graveler. It draws some comparison to the tunnel in Hoenn that has a similar story. Anyways, the ensuing ambush and battle next chapter, this chapter did a great job building up to it.

    Perfect set of names for these two chapters in my opinion.



    Only typo I found, supposed to be being. And the scene itself. Such a moving act of selflessness and sacrifice by Golduck. I’m not going to say that I cried, but it was emotional.
    The chapter was very well written, you do a great job at showing us the viewpoints of the Graveler tribe. It almost makes me feel sorry for them, almost.

    Sorry for the delay of this review, part three shouldn’t take as long as the other two.

    Knightfall signing off…;005;
     
  18. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    And I just finished chapter 10, so I'm all caught up. Back to the in-depth reviews as soon as I get a chapter to review in "real-time". :)
     
  19. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Me too! I think they work alot better to me that way

    Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I've been struggling with different aspects of how to portray what's happening to the degree of what I see happening when I visualize it, and how to write it down so that everyone can see the same thing I do.

    She sure is. I'm surprised you didn't comment on the 'Lost' tidbit I put in there =P

    Ah, I was wondering who might pick up on that portion. My fiance did as she was proof reading for me. I should have known you would as well.

    Thanks for reading/reviewing as always!

    ;)

    Thanks for pointing that out. There's a reason that one was so easy to find, and it will be revealed much later in the story. Good eye :)

    I'm really glad you think so! I'll be honest, I got somewhat emotional when I was writing it. I liked to think that I would be capable of the same kind of feat, and I would imagine you would learn alot about yourself in a moment like that.

    And thanks for reading/reviewing as well! I look forward to seeing what you think of the last few chapters

    Welcome! I appreciate you taking the time to read, and I look forward to what you have to say about the rest of the chapters. Thanks for the support :)

    Thanks for bringing that to my attention. You're right, I think it would read better the way you suggested.

    I always envisioned Rock Throw as pebbles expanding into small boulders as they're thrown. I remember seeing an anime way back in the day that had something similar. The character could triple the size of whatever he was holding. Which gave me the idea for this

    Lol, I'll never get tired of you bringing it up. All of those questions will be answered within the next three chapters, I assure you. I'm glad you like the idea, I've actually been working on a few sketches to post.

    Thanks for following the story. It means alot that you like it so much and have taken the time to give me the feedback that you have.

    I agree with you. By the time this is over, he's going to surprise himself. I feel like he'd have a little more restraint if she was switched with someone like Alakazam though. I think Ethan is unusually short with Scyther sometimes because out of all of his Pokemon, she's the most unruly. I think he may believe the only way to express his point sometimes with her is to cause her pain. At the same time though, Ethan is starting to show he may be slightly off of a hinge. Nicely done though, as that comment really mae me think about the character

    Activated being the key word; good eye. I'm glad you're paying attention.

    Lol I'm glad you think so. Alot of the jokes and banter between the two of them is really close to the same things that go on between me and my fiance.

    Thanks for pointing out my mistakes in the chapter. And I appreciate you reading/reviewing!



    Once again, thanks to everyone who has stopped by to read and review. I'm sorry I wasn't able to get to everyone's comments/questions with this post, as my schedule lately has been pretty hectic. I appreciate the suggestions and corrections all of you bring to my attention. I owe these characters a good story, and all of you help contribute to that. Chapter 11 should be out by tomorrow night, so anyone following should be sure to check it out.
     
  20. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    I'm actually pretty terrible at noticing subtle things so I probably missed the LOST reference. *sad face*
     

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