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Rescue mission [PG-13]

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by はるひ, Sep 13, 2012.

  1. Rating: PG-13 for cursing, Poke violence and some mild sexual content
    Fandom: Pokemon
    Characters/Parings: Saturn/Mars, Ariana, Team Dark (original team), male Rocket grunt/Jupiter
    Genre: Adventure, Friendship
    Status: on going
    By: Gothitelle K
    Comments: Here I am, attempting to do this story again, this time this chapter came out the way I wanted it to. Also this story like everyone I've done takes place in Unova.

    “Okay, you know the plan guys?”

    “What plan?”

    The smack of a palm against human flesh echoed through the area.

    “You know what plan, stupid. We quietly sneak into the Team Galactic building and get what the boss wanted us to get…”

    “Which is?”


    “And to capture those two commanders for our boss to interrogate…”

    “Wait… when you say commanders, which is plural, that means we’re going to capture that girl… you know the one that’s really hot? We’re going to capture her to?”

    “Yes… we are going to attempt to capture the **** as well as the brat…”

    The sound of her Pokémon growling startled the red haired commander from her sleep. She listened quietly to discover that her Purugly was reacting to the sounds of people talking outside, She couldn’t make out what they were saying, but it was clear that the unfamiliar voices were close to the building. Opening her eyes confirmed the suspicion as she saw the shadows of people lurking near the window projected onto the opposite wall by the streetlights.

    She quickly sat up on the bed as she pulled the covers over her bare chest. The room was dark as it was midnight. The faint light from the neon colored stickered stars on the ceiling brought her some comfort as she stared at them for a good while. Whoever the shadows belonged to, they weren’t supposed to be there, and people who loitered around places they weren’t supposed to be after midnight were usually up to no good. The conversations outside were getting louder and noisier as the shadows were beginning to move at a fast pace, almost as if they were running back and forth. The cat Pokemon still growled angrily as the girl looked over to her left and saw her male partner sleeping next to her peacefully on his side with his body partially buried in the sheets.

    Her heart rate quickened as she attempted to wake up her companion. Her hair stood on the back of her neck as adrenaline was kicking in while the redhead shook her partner pretty hard, hissing for him to wake up.

    “Saturn! Please, you have to wake up!” she whispered tersely as she shook her heavily-sleeping partner. “Now, Saturn! You have to wake up!”

    The shaking and urgent tone of her voice immediately got through to Saturn as he quickly rolled over on his back and proceeded to sit up on the bed. The blue haired man rubbed his eyes as the girl clenched to his arm warningly. She squeezed his arm in order to get his attention as her red eyes shot to the window to indicate something outside. He followed her gaze, but the shadows had passed and the conversation was now silenced, so he saw nothing. The girl remained tense, however. As Saturn was done rubbing his eyes, he looked at the nervous girl and proceeded to put his arm around her for comfort.

    “Yeah? What’s the matter, Mars?” he asked with concern. “Why are you freaking out like that?”

    “What’s the matter? What’s the matter?!” Mars hissed in annoyance. “There are people outside our building! I do not know what the hell they want from us but, they are up to something and we need to go after them, Saturn!”

    Mars’s words sunk in, chasing all thoughts of sleep from his brain. He quickly jumped from the bed and proceeded to pick up their clothes from the floor next to the bed. He picked out Mars’s clothes from his own and threw them to her. The redheaded young lady dressed at double speed, but no one could outmatch Saturn’s pace. By the time she had her leggings and boots on the blue haired man appeared by her side fully dressed.

    “Come on, you need to get dressed faster,” he said while picking up the remaining two articles of her clothing.

    While the figures returned to the window, Saturn managed to help Mars put on and hook her brassiere as he took her small hooped dress and held it up for her to slide her arms through. When she finally got her uniform on, Mars went over and picked up her purugly as she was still growling. Saturn made shush noises to calm her down, however, that moment was soon interrupted by scratching on their window. They quickly turned towards the window as they saw a figure, with a tool in their hand, fidgeting with the glass.

    The pair then quietly and quickly ran towards the bedroom door as it sounded like the person could almost push the window in from the outside. As Saturn was opening the door, there stood a guy coming out from one of the rooms with a flashlight and a lantern in one hand and a small step ladder under his other arm. He had on orange striped pajamas and green bunny slippers. The brown haired guy just stood there, giving Saturn a weird expression as the blue haired man as doing the same thing.

    “What?” the young man asked with an attitude as he hunched his shoulders. “Okay so I have on bunny slippers and pajamas. Even if I were naked, I’d still do what it takes to help protect Team G’s building!”

    A girl giggling could be heard in the background as the couple looked at this brown haired man with an unreadable expression. Mars glanced over in the hallway to see who was laughing. She immediately rolled her eyes as she spotted her near her room. She was an older girl and she stood there with a smirk on her face while she held her skuntank her her arms. Her messy long pink hair and the fact that it was down suggested that she just got out of bed but, however, got dressed rather quickly. She only had her rather semi-revealing one piece suit to deal with at the time.

    “You’re going to protect me, aren’t you Steve?” the young woman asked worriedly.

    ‘You’re going to protect me, aren’t you Steve?’ Mars mimicked quietly under her breath, making fun of the woman’s voice. While she scoffed at the girl, Saturn quickly turned to her and whispered ‘no’ while he shook his head side to side. He then quickly turned to Steve who was busy assuring the rather gorgeous girl that she would be okay.

    “Well, now that you’ve calmed down some, mind telling me what the ladder is for?” The blue haired man asked.

    “The ladder? Oh yes, the ladder!” Steve answered as his girlfriend came and stood beside him. “Well the thing is that, don’t laugh, but I literally rolled out of bed as soon as Jupiter shook me to death, talking about how there were people outside her window. So I go up to put some clothes on and then when I came out of the room, I needed a weapon of some sort. So I grabbed the ladder to you know… keep them again from her and the headquarters.”

    “First of all Steve, that ladder isn’t going to really help you keep the thieves away from Jupiter,” Saturn explained. “Also, we know that Jupiter could fight for herself. In fact, maybe she could help you with the goons in case your ladder idea fails. There is something you can do with that ladder and it’s-“

    While he was talking, all of a sudden, the lights started to go out as they heard a loud pop outside the building. Now the building was dark enough to not clearly see, however Steve’s flashlight and lantern made seeing a little bit better as they were able to see the path in front of them. As she heard the scratching of the window getting louder and louder, Mars ran to pick up her bag, which had important stuff in it. However, they also heard scratching from the room down the hall where Steve came from. While her Pokemon growled loudly, Jupiter went towards the room slowly to check out what was going on. She then turned to the rest of the guys and pointed towards the room.

    “Okay, now we’ve GOT to do something about this!” Steve exclaimed as he attempted to walk down the hallway. “Now those creeps are attempting to break into Jupiter’s room!”

    “Hold on!” Saturn yelled as he took the ladder and lantern from the young man and gave the ladder to the pink haired girl. “Okay, Steve and I got the outside covered. Now Mars, I want you to wait in the living room. Jupiter, after you put the ladder away, I need you to cover the inside. Stand on guard and if the intruders attack from inside the building, you fight them off. Understood?”

    Upon registering what Saturn had said, Steve and Jupiter nodded in agreement while Mars’ eyes widened, then narrowed into a defiant glare. She knew Saturn meant well and was only trying to look out for her, but like Saturn and Jupiter, she also was a commander of Team Galactic and could fight on her own merits even though she was the weakest by comparison to the others

    “B-but, Saturn,” Mars stuttered, shocked by the request to run away and hide while danger was afoot. Especially since her and Jupiter were going to be inside, however Saturn only instructed Jupiter to take action. She shook off the surprise and said, “So you’re telling me while Jupiter gets to cover the inside by herself, I have to sit in the living room? And do what? Do I even get to fight? I’m certainly not letting you get yourself killed out there...”

    “You know, he’s right Mars,” Jupiter started to say she put the step ladder against the wall. “Weak little girls shouldn’t be involved in these kinds of situations. Let the grown-ups handle this, okay? Plus, Saturn is a strong man. He doesn’t need you to defend him.”

    ”Shut up, Jupiter!” Mars shouted.

    She put down her Pokémon and walked toward the pink-haired woman, glaring menacingly. Jupiter’s stuntank growled at the perceived threat to her trainer. The ferocity the skunk displayed prevented Mars from moving any further. Saturn quickly placed his arm in front of Mars to keep the situation from escalating.

    “Jupiter, Mars... enough!” Saturn said in a stern voice. “Now Mars, it might help our position if we’re not all cornered into the same spot. It also helps if we aren’t all fighting at the same time. If things start going wrong, I’ll call out for you and you can come in from behind and get the drop on them, okay?”

    “B-b-but...” Mars stuttered as she was trying to find the right response to his idea.

    However she was quickly cut off by an involuntary kiss on the lips from Saturn.

    “It’s going to be okay,” the blue haired man assured as he pressed the palm of his hand against her cheek. “I promise it will work out.”

    Saturn and Steve both took the flashlight and lantern and bolted down the hallway and out the front door while Jupiter and her skuntank headed to the living room. Mars stood there in the hallway as she lets out an annoyed sigh. She looked down at her Pokemon who gave her trainer a nudge on the leg. Mars was too annoyed at the moment. She proceeded to also walk down the hallway and into the dark living room, dimly illuminated by the outside light that shined through the window. As she sat down on the couch, she started to put her hands on her lap as she impatiently waited for a signal from Saturn. ‘Come on, Saturn. Please signal me to fight.’

    Thunder started to sound off as rain could be heard hitting the ground, hard. Thunderstorms weren’t things that scared Mars, but for her, it had made this particular scene even scarier than what it was. People were breaking into their building, Saturn ran out to fend them off and now it’s raining and thundering. Thus, it was adding even more stress to the young lady as she continued to shake. While she continued to wait, she had an idea of what she could do to help. ‘My P-phone!’ she thought as she reached into her bag and pulled it out. As Mars began to dial the numbers “9-1-1”, she could feel the presence of someone else sitting down right beside her.

    “What are you doing?!” Jupiter asked in a snippy way. “This is no time for checking your email…”

    “I’m calling the police to report a break in,” Mars scoffed as she held her phone up to her ear. “Shows how much you know…”

    However, while she was itching to get through to an operator...


    Windows breaking could be heard in the back of the building as Jupiter’s skuntank started to growl loudly. Jupiter got up from her seat and walked towards the back with a determined expression on her face. Mars stood up once she heard what seemed liked footsteps, coming at a quick pace, toward the living area. There were many voices that followed after as the redhead looked at her purugly, who lept into her trainer’s arms. Jupiter turned around when she heard Mars get up from her seat. The woman looked at the girl with a strange look while the redhead gave her a defiant glare.

    “Mars, sit back down!” Jupiter commanded. “Saturn said for me to cover this. When they come, you either get behind the couch or get in the pantry.”

    “Will you shut up?!” Mars yelled. “The boss is the only one in the world who's allowed to order me around. And since Cyrus isn't here, that's Saturn. Just because you are stronger than me and you were put in charge of the inside doesn’t mean you have any authority over me. You be quiet around me! Besides, I’m waiting for Saturn to give me a signal.”

    “... Mars,” the pink haired girl said as she gave a stern expression. “Saturn only said that to make you feel better. He doesn’t want you involved in this fight at all. Don’t believe me? When I went into the living room, he quickly texted me telling me that should anything happen here, then I have to tell you to go into the pantry or get behind the couch. He says that he has a hunch they are after you.”

    While Mars still gave her a defiant glare, Jupiter quickly went into her bag and pulled out her P-phone. She pressed a few buttons until she finally found what she was looking for as she handed the phone to the girl. Mars took the phone and examined the text. When she read it, her eyes widened. It read:

    Jupiter, the intruders were Team Dark. They are threatening to kidnap you and Mars if I don’t give them what they want. I’m concerned about Mars. If anything happens, tell her to hide in the pantry.

    Mars dropped the phone and her eyes narrowed into another defiant glare. She didn’t care if the intruders were Team Dark, she wanted in on the fight as well. Though, Saturn never wanted her involved with Team Dark in any shape or form, he said he would signal her to help. Now knowing that he changed his mind, Mars took her bag and ran out the front door. Towards the middle of the building, she could see Saturn and Steve engaging in battles with the Team Dark members across from them. She stopped for a minute to smile at Saturn and his purple toad like Pokemon. Seeing Saturn fight off his opponent with a determined expression made Mars happy as she lightly blushed at the scene. He just finished off an opponent’s Pokemon, a bee like creature with three huge drill-like stingers, otherwise a beedrill.

    Mars’ purugly gave an annoyed expression as she bit her trainer in the left leg. The redhead gasped as the pain hurt so much, she couldn’t focus. When she looked down at her Pokemon, that was when she realized that she wanted her to stop staring at Saturn. Realizing what she really came outside for, she went into her bag and grabbed three Poke balls. Being careful not to be noticed, she crouched down behind a pile of boxes and threw them about five inches from her head as a burst of light came from the three of them. Three Pokemon emerged from the white light; a small purple frog like Pokemon that looked similar to Saturn’s toxicroak, a purple bat like pokemon and a steel pokemon hat almost resembled a bucket. All of them were jumping up and down cheerfully when they saw their trainer.

    “Okay guys, listen up,” Mars whispered as she motioned for her Pokemon to move closer. “When we see that Saturn’s in trouble, we are going to get the drop on the opposition. I know that Saturn doesn't want us involved with Team Dark, but I have to not follow his orders this time. I can’t allow him to get hurt.”

    Mars got up from the crouching position and glanced over at Saturn, who was now battling a different Pokemon and a different team member. This time, his opponent was not only an administrator but he brought out a red crab Pokemon that had a huge boulder on its back. She had never seen anything like it but at the same time, she didn’t know about most of Unova’s Pokemon. Before she could reach for her Pokedex, she saw the Team Dark admin's Pokemon summed a huge boulder through its energy and throw it toward his opponent, in which Saturn’s toxicroak countered the attack using brick break. The redhead sighed in relief when she saw that her partner was able to get himself out of that situation.

    “Hm, tough...” the Team Dark member remarked. “For a kid to be that strong, I didn’t see it coming!”

    “So, are you going to retreat?” Saturn asked in a stern voice. “I can keep doing this all night if I have to. If you want to mess with Mars, then you’ve messed with me..”

    “Heh! How adorable,” the administrator laughed. “It’s cute that you want to protect your little red girlfriend. Well then, it’s time for my gloves to come off. Now, Crustle! Use aerial ace!”

    “Okay, Toxicroak, use brick bre-”

    However, Saturn’s command was cut off when Mars ran onto the field with her Pokemon behind her. She could see that the foe’s crustle was quickly making his way towards Saturn's Pokemon. She knew that a flying type move could easily get Saturn to lose this round, however, not if Mars could help it.

    “Crobat use wing attack!” Mars shouted as she pointed towards Team Dark.

    The bat Pokemon flew at top speed towards the admin’s crustle, however the opponent’s smile grew at he saw Mars come at him with a determined glare. Now was his chance to get her, now that she came right in the middle of a fight with her boyfriend. As her Pokemon was about to ready her wing, the member looked at his Pokemon and just smirked.

    “Alright Crustle, new plan!” the Team Dark member shouted. “Use rock wrecker on that girl’s crobat!”

    The stone home Pokemon quickly summoned its energy and produced a large boulder and threw it at the flying creature, causing it to hit the ground... hard. Mars’ eyes widened as she saw that she had lost that fight as she ran towards her fainted Pokemon. As she knelt down, she looked up at her opponent, with fire in her eyes. She wasn’t going to let this one slip up deter her from fighting the rest of this out. Saturn ran to Mars’ side, only to get in front of her and stretch his arms out while his toxicroak did the same action and also stretched his arms out. At the same time, the Team Dark member’s crustle was struggling to get up, due to the strain rock wrecker had on its system. While that happened, Mars pulled out her Pokedex and pointed it toward the struggling crab.

    “Crustle, the Stone Home Pokémon,” the female voice from the pink pokedex informed. “An evolved form of Dwebble. When competing for territory, Crustle fight viciously. When its bolder is broken, it feels unsure and begins to weaken.”

    ’When it’s boulder is broken…’ Mars thought to herself while she was shivering from the rainfall. That’s it! I need to aim for the rock! But... how am I supposed to fight with Saturn and Toxicroak blocking me?!’
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2013
  2. Ememew

    Ememew Emerald Mew

    The last line here is somewhat awkward because the use of passive voice makes it confusing. Who is the sound heard by, for example? It’s even somewhat difficult to determine whether the slapping is something close by involving the people conversing or if they’re hearing some unrelated slap in the distance. The other parts around this suggest that one of the people talking here slaps the one who asked what the plan was, but it’s not really worded well as it is. The ellipses aren’t really needed either.

    (As a tip, active voice should usually be used over passive voice to make the writing stronger. There are exceptions where the latter works, too, but if you’re in doubt, use active.

    Active voice = Someone did something.
    Passive voice = something was done by someone.)

    As for this particular instance, I realize you want to keep the speakers’ identities secret for now, so you could say something like “The smack of a palm against human flesh echoed through the area.” or something along those lines.

    It also retains the good decision to keep the slap itself implied rather than spelled out, just worded better. Writing the slap by its sound rather than describing the visuals involved made it more entertaining.
    Um . . . why is this distinction (the emphasis on male being different from female) coming up yet again? Nothing has even happened yet, and you’re already diving right into the “girls are the ones to target for this sort of thing” territory. Are you hoping to try to portray the kidnappers as people who underestimate women, or are you just doing this because that’s the way things work for you?

    I know I’m probably starting to sound like a broken record on this point, but I think it might be better to avoid throwing gender differences into the spotlight at this time. They could just be talking about trying to capture “a commander/the commanders” rather than commanders of one specific sex.
    The idea that one of the kidnappers wants to target a specific one because “she’s hot” is kind of unnerving. On its own, “unnerving” is not a problem and this could be either a good thing or a bad thing depending on what direction this idea goes in. Just try to avoid reducing the “hot one” (Jupiter?) to just being attractive, OK?
    First and foremost (and once again) “young girl” is not the ideal way to describe Mars. Girl, let alone young girl, implies that the person is still a child or teenager, whereas Mars is an adult (or late teen at the youngest). Adding “young” to girl makes me think of a female character significantly closer to the child side of the spectrum.

    For a late-teen to younger adult like Mars would be, “young woman” would be a better descriptor.

    The second point I bolded is one I’m a little more undecided on. Star stickers are usually associated with younger children and sort of seem silly in a building used as a business (Team Galactic’s cover). That said, this is Team Galactic, a group obsessed with space, that we’re talking about, so it sort of works as a semi-comedic reminder that they’re a little nuts about stars and the like.

    I’ll get to Mars’s actions in a bit.
    Minor point – redhead is usually written as one word.

    Now on to the major stuff. Saturn asks a good question: why is she freaking out like that? You say she’s more frightened than she’s ever been . . . over shadows outside? She doesn’t even know who the intruders are or what they want yet, let alone how much of a threat they might pose. They could be common burglars the likes of Team Galactic could easily dispatch. Panicking and pleading are not in Mars’s levelheaded nature. We’re talking about the woman who led the mission to capture Mesprit – and succeeded. There needs to be a VERY good reason for her to appear this frightened, and a few unknown figures lurking about isn’t it.

    A better reaction would be for her to respond with caution rather than fear. Something like this might work better:
    The sounds of people talking were enough to startle the young woman from her sleep. She couldn’t make out what they were saying, but it was clear that the unfamiliar voices were close to the building. Opening her eyes confirmed the suspicion as she saw the shadows of people lurking near the window projected onto the opposite wall by the streetlights.

    She quickly sat up on the bed as she pulled the covers over her bare chest. [maybe something about the star stickers here if you want to keep them] Whoever the shadows belonged to, they weren’t supposed to be there, and people who loitered around places they weren’t supposed to be after midnight were usually up to no good. The conversations outside were getting louder and nosier as the shadows were beginning to move at a fast pace, almost as if they were running back and forth. She reached for a poké ball from beneath her pillow as she looked over to her left and saw her male partner sleeping next to her peacefully on his side with his body partially buried in the sheets.

    Her heart rate quickened as she attempted to wake up her companion. Her hair stood on the back of her neck as adrenaline was kicking in while the redhead shook her partner pretty hard, hissing for him to wake up.

    “Saturn! Please, you have to wake up!” she whispered tersely as she shook her heavily-sleeping partner. “Now, Saturn, it’s important!”

    The shaking and urgent tone of her voice immediately got through to Saturn as he quickly rolled over on his back and proceeded to sit up on the bed. The blue haired man rubbed his eyes as the woman clenched to his arm warningly. She squeezed his arm in order to get his attention as her red eyes shot to the window to indicate something outside. He followed her gaze, but the shadows had passed and the conversation was now silenced, so he saw nothing. The woman remained tense, however. As Saturn was done rubbing his eyes, he looked at the nervous woman and proceeded to put his arm around her for comfort.

    “Yeah? What’s the matter, Mars?” he asked with concern. “Why are you freaking out like that?”

    “What’s the matter? What’s the matter?!” Mars hissed in annoyance. “There are people outside our building! I do not know what the hell they want from us but, they are up to something and we need to go after them, Saturn!”

    In this version, the same “stuff” happens – Mars overhears the voices and wakes up the sleeping Saturn, who tries to comfort her before she tells him what the problem is.

    The difference is here she’s nervous at most about what the intruders might be up to rather than outright panicked, which better fits with her more levelheaded nature. I also added a bit where she takes preemptive action by reaching for a poké ball to arm herself. You don’t have to add it, but I think it would fit her character better than just clinging to another person for help while she works herself into a panic.

    The shouting/yelling transforms into urgent whispering because she wants Saturn’s attention without alerting the intruders to the fact that she knows they’re there (something that would give her and Saturn the advantage). Do you see how different the two methods make Mars seem, though?
    I hope you don’t feel like I’m nitpicking every line, but I think this could be stronger, too. First the minor stuff: “When Saturn heard what she had to say” just sounds like you’re recapping the fact that Mars said something and Saturn heard it – something that the reader just witnessed. It might help to say “Mars’s words sunk in, chasing all thoughts of sleep from his brain” to better indicate him having to process the information for a bit because he just woke up before the actual response.

    And now the major stuff – Mars’s actions again. I don’t have a problem with Saturn being the one to collect the clothes (they could very well have all been cast off on the side of the bed closer to him, after all), but I do have an issue with Mars being slowed by fear. Even if fear was the appropriate reaction for the character, that emotion has a tendency to speed someone up rather than slow them down. I’m fairly certain she wouldn’t want to face potential dangers naked, so she’d want to get at least some form of protection over her body as soon as possible.

    That said, she’s likely going to be more geared toward “fight” than fright in this situation, and the paragraph should reflect that. Something like: He picked out Mars’s clothes from his own and threw them to her. The redheaded woman dressed at double speed, but no one could outmatch Saturn’s pace. By the time she had her leggings and boots on the blue haired man appeared by her side fully dressed.

    This version removes the unnecessary fear while still presenting the events in the same order. Saturn can still make the remark about her needing to dress faster, but this way reflects Saturn’s speed rather than Mars’s lack thereof and keeps the latter in character better.
    It might be better to say the figures returned to the window to make it seem like they were away/trying to figure out the best way in before deciding on that room. Otherwise, their waiting for the people inside to be ready to face them before breaking in (even if they don’t technically know that) seems a little too convenient. The other thing here is that I don’t know if admiring someone’s beauty while the room’s about to get broken into is the best place for this. We already know they like each other because they were shown to share a bed and Saturn’s immediate reaction to an upset Mars is to comfort her.
    No kidding. ;)
    Seriously, though, at this point Mars, Saturn, and the readers should have all pretty much come to the conclusion that the person is trying to break in rather than saying it “seems like” that’s what’s happening.
    Huh? Why’s this guy carrying a ladder, let alone a large one? Why does he have both a flashlight and a lantern? His hands are pretty full for someone who just rushed to the scene because he knew something was up (as his dialogue implies). Usually when one hurries to the site of an emergency they drop everything aside from what they think they’ll need the most. Two light sources in one hand and a huge bulky thing that will restrict his movement in the other is not the ideal situation here.

    Also, “weird expression” isn’t very clear. Weird how? Is the person making the expression supposed to be conveying that they think the situation is weird (i.e. a confused expression)? Are they supposed to be startled by the sudden appearance of another person in front of them? Is it supposed to imply Saturn is judging the other man’s taste in sleepwear while the other man is skeptical about Saturn’s focus on his outfit at a time when enemies are breaking in? This could be clarified by changing “weird” out for a more specific description.

    Finally, why does this guy from another room already know what’s going on when the people in the room actively being broken into have just now found that out themselves?
    Why is it that the first thing you think we need to know about your characters is who they’re in a relationship with?

    The way he forces the mention of “my girlfriend” into the statement just seems awkward. It would be something fitting for a person who just entered a relationship to say to brag to someone else that they’re with that person, but unless you’re going for that, this seems like it was just shoehorned in to say “don’t worry, this guy’s not single!” and to introduce Jupiter as his girlfriend like the fact that they’re sleeping together is the most important thing here . . . while people are breaking in! It interrupts the flow of the story and detracts from the action you were otherwise building well.
    Is she actually worried or mock-worried? The previous giggling and smirking implies that she’s not frightened in the least (or at the very least, not showing it on the surface), but “asked worriedly” makes it sound like she is worried. The two don’t go together well. I think the “cutesy manner” is meant to imply it’s only mock (fake) worry (which might be a better way to describe it), but I’m not entirely certain.
    While Mars and Jupiter disliking each other is something that could be read from their interactions in the games, the method if demonstrating it here just seems overly petty and far too focused on combining the fact that they don’t get along and which one has which boyfriend into the same sentiment, which implies jealousy (i.e. that Mars isn’t happy with Saturn and wants to be with Steve or Jupiter instead, and thus is upset that those two are in a relationship).
    Even if he is using a ladder as a weapon, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to hold that and a flashlight and a lantern. Does Steve have any pokémon on hand he could use to fight? That’d be a lot easier to reach for in an emergency than a ladder.
    Um . . . weren’t some people breaking in? Saturn spelling things out in a list like this when the enemy is actively pushing in the window doesn’t make much sense. In fact, most of this conversation probably shouldn’t be happening because the intruders would have gotten in by that point. Some of the initial stuff might be believable, like the stunned stop when Saturn bumps into Steve upon exiting the room and a brief catching up between the two groups to explain what they know so far. Going too far beyond that, though, takes away from the urgency of the scene.
    I’m not sure if I like the use of “while he was talking” AND “all of a sudden” both to introduce the next part of the action.
    I’m still not quite sold on the reason Steve has both a lantern and a flashlight (while also holding a heavy, bulky ladder . . . is this guy part Machamp or something?), and Mars’s decision to grab last-minute stuff now seems out of place, especially since at this point she’s not really sure what she’s going to do with it (it’s only a bit later that she thinks of dialing for help, so she’s not really going for her phone here).

    That said, Jupiter’s reaction is fully appropriate to the situation and her character.
    I’m guessing this guy’s supposed to be a bit of a goofball, right? If so, then this works fairly well to add humor to a tense scene.
    Yes, tell the only person with a poké ball at the ready to go elsewhere to get rid of the bulky ladder that was only included for some awkward humor, that makes sense. This ladder seems to be becoming more trouble than anything. Remove it entirely and all that is lost is an attempted joke that it doesn't make sense to be pausing to make in this situation anyway.

    That aside, Steve seems more appropriate to tell to get rid of the ladder since he’s the one who brought it there in the first place. Jupiter’s already “standing guard” in that she’s actually prepared to fight if need be, so I’m not sure why she’s being told to do that . . . unless you mean Saturn wants her to guard Mars, in which case he should know that an in-character Mars would be able to fight on her own.
    Do you really mean “unreadable” here? Or shocked, which would make more sense with the following description of her reaction?
    Wait . . . does this story take place before (like, a long time before) the events of the games, or after. Because either way a person at commander level would be known to be strong by the others (even if the others are stronger by comparison), but if this takes place after the game events her being considered a weak newbie makes even less sense.
    Again, “pleading” isn’t Mars’s style. If Mars wants to fight, she’ll fight, no matter what Saturn tells her. You don’t get to be a commander in a group like Team Galactic by begging for permission to do anything.

    If you really, really want to show Saturn in a more macho-man protective position while keeping the pair in character, it may be better to do something like this:
    Upon registering what Saturn had said Mars’s eyes widened, then narrowed into a defiant glare. She knew Saturn meant well and was trying to look out for her, but she was a commander of Team Galactic and could fight on her own merits even if the was the weakest by comparison to the other two.

    “B-but, Saturn,” Mars stuttered, shocked by the request to run away and hide while danger was afoot. She shook off the surprise and said, “I’m not leaving you to get yourself killed playing the heroic boyfriend part!”

    “I know, I know,” Saturn said, “but it might help our position if we’re not all cornered into the same spot. If things start going wrong, you can come in from behind and get the drop on them.”

    This way, it seems less like he’s protecting her because she’s weirdly out of character and more like this is a strategic decision (or at least Saturn’s idea of trying to keep her off the front lines in the guise of it being better for strategy, however you/the readers interpret the action).
    Again, this doesn’t really fit with the established Mars from the games (or anime, for that matter). Mars going into the other room to wait impatiently for a signal that it was time for her to join the fight – or the unnerving silence that indicated that a battle had just ended – would make more sense as a description of what’s happening if she really must be kept away from the fight.

    Her calling in help from the outside while she’s stuck waiting works, though, as it shows her being resourceful with the time she’s stuck away from the fight instead of having her waste it being a damsel in distress who can’t do something unless she gets permission from her boyfriend. Well done on this part. Jupiter’s teasing comment about checking email works well here, too, and seems in character.
    I’m not sure about “almost illuminated” because it sounds like the light didn’t reach the building after all rather than illuminating most of it but coming up shy of lighting up the whole thing, which I think is what you were going for.
    I’m not sure how I feel about the women being stuck in the other room for the duration of the action. If it was really over that quick (it only takes about two sentences to describe the sounds of the fight), then Saturn and Steve didn’t really put up much resistance. If they just waited inside the room the whole time until the door opened, then Mars and Jupiter don’t really seem in-character.

    Maybe it would help to add a scene where Mars and Jupiter find themselves attacked by a second group? They could battle off the second group here and successfully chase them away, adding to the role they play in the story at this point to expand them beyond obedient wallflowers. After their attackers hightail it out of there in defeat, then Steve comes in to inform them that his side of the fight lost Saturn. This could help the story a lot, in my opinion, although it’s just one option you could use.

    Another possibility is that they head out to get the drop on the attackers from behind (as my “strategy” excuse for her being in another room would lead to) but arrived too late to stop them from taking Saturn.

    It’s up to you in the end, but I don’t think “waiting around quietly for the fight to come to them” fits either character very well.
    Um . . . it’s really sort of confusing here, as though you kept changing your decision about how much Steve should know about what happened as you wrote it, but didn’t edit it so only the final decision remained.

    First you say they had a “new type of Pokémon” but then say the admin used an Abra. Is the Abra in addition to the “new type” or is he trying to say Abra are “new” to him (in which case, why would he know it’s called an abra?)?

    Then you say he’s not sure what the green light attack that “mysteriously” made Saturn disappear was, but follow up with him being very certain that what it did was teleportation. Why say the attack was mysterious when he’s already deduced what it was? Why does he go through all this “I’m not sure what hit him, it might have been teleport” stuff when the next sentence states that he was actually told by the enemy what happened.

    The logic of why Team Dark would just tell them what happened aside, why go through this whole thing where he’s describing what happened bit by bit when he could just say “Team Dark . . . It was Team Dark out there. One of their admins teleported Saturn onto their flagship.”

    Also, if they were so successful in snagging Saturn (yay alliteration!) why did they just retreat after letting Steve go?

    If Steve is a double agent this might make sense. They’d let him go because they don’t want to lose their mole inside Team Galactic. The fight being off-screen might have been to hide the fact that Steve actually helped subdue and kidnap Saturn, as we only have Steve’s word for what happened.

    If this isn’t the case and Steve is retelling the events as they actually occurred, the fact that Team Dark takes the time to helpfully inform him about what they did and where they took Saturn before giving up on capturing anyone else doesn’t really make much sense.

    Again, you don’t need the “as person A heard the information the reader just saw” stuff. We know what she’s reacting to.
    Um, it’s not almost if she is actually remembering the other events in association with the current crisis. It did being up bad memories.
    You mean “if only she didn’t just run away and hide in the back just because Saturn said so.”

    Because there was nothing about her battling prowess that mattered here, since she didn’t actually battle.

    Unless you’re talking about the strength of her will, in which case most of the problem could be solved by having her be more active like her canon counterpart instead of pleading for permission to do anything.
    Because the most important thing you need for a rescue mission is jewelry? I really don’t get this bit and why it needed to be included.
    Yeah . . . completely out of nowhere when compared to her previous decision to just stand around in the other room just because Saturn said “nah, you’re a girl and need to be protected” when she pleaded to be allowed to battle too. You can’t have it both ways on this one – either she’s in character and has all the willpower in the world to chase after the bad guys AND to get involved in the fight because she wants to fight . . . OR she’s the passive, frightened version that’s too submissive to get involved in things without her boyfriend’s leave AND is hesitant about setting out after him. These traits together don’t really make a lot of sense (unless you’re going for Mars-is-utterly-devoid-of-personality-aside-from-stuff-dealing- with-her-boyfriend-and-only-does-things-her-boyfriend-allows-unless-he’s-not-there-in-which-case-her-only-goal-is-to-be-with-him-so-he-can-tell-her-what-to-do-again . . . which I really hope you’re not).
    Just to be clear, she’s passing out because she’s exhausted from not battling and running out into the rain, right? Not because she can barely keep conscious without her boyfriend nearby?

    I’m sorry for sounding so harsh toward the back end of the chapter, really I am. It’s just that the same patterns of female characters being driven only by their male love interests’ wills has continued to appear despite multiple explanations about why this is bad writing. Your characters – male or female, in a relationship or single – all still need to be characters on their own and not just extensions of other people. You’re trying. Linking Saturn’s disappearance to Cyrus’s in Mars’s mind helps this a bit by making her concerned about her own power and lack of ability to protect the people she cares about or is loyal to. Unfortunately, the decision to keep her “protected” from the fight weakens this idea. The first, most obvious, reason for this is the fact that she seems to be under the impression that she can only do something to help if Saturn allows it.

    The second reason her exclusion from the fight is a poor decision is because Mars takes the idea that she’s weak and would have been able to protect him if she was stronger from this experience . . . when her strength isn’t actually tested in any way. We’re just told that she’s weak when Saturn tells her to wait elsewhere. We’re never shown whether this is true or not. How strong Mars is has absolutely no bearing on whether Saturn was taken because she isn’t even there (and if you mean strength of will, the fact that you talk about her having all the willpower she needs after Saturn is taken doesn’t really support that). The idea that she blames herself and her weakness for Saturn’s capture sounds like something that would go better with a “Saturn’s unconscious body being ripped from her arms after she loses a battle” scenario than one where she sits around in another room until he’s already long gone.

    The basic idea is sound and pretty original – a Team’s commander is taken by another Team and his co-worker/lover sets out to save him. That’s a great premise. The point it needs help with is characterization – Mars isn’t someone I would see as that easily frightened into a panic or submissive. Likewise, someone who was that easily panicked doesn’t seem the type to also charge out alone into a rainstorm after a triumphant enemy.

    Making Mars more active and less an extension of Saturn would instantly improve the story.
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2012
  3. If I could offer some suggestions for edit:

    At first, I wanted to have it to where their main Pokemon were actually out of their Poke balls. Except for Saturn because he's not that type of guy. So like at the end when Mars is in the living room, she and her Pokemon run to the front door only for Saturn to tell her to go back in when the Team Dark members face her. She argues and then Saturn calls out for Jupiter to bring her back in. While Jups struggles to get Mars back in the house, Mars tells purugly to use thunderbolt.

    Yeah that's be cool. Like Saturn lying to Mars saying that it's for a strategy when he's really trying to keep her out of danger. I do want to ask, why a defiant glare? I mean what if it were Cyrus telling her to do it? She'll listen. The reason why she's listening to Saturn is because he's the closest to Cyrus she gets. Not really because he's her boyfriend.

    Yes since Team Dark are known to use bug and steel types.

    This happens two years after the events of the game. Which is why they are in a different region. I think during that time, Saturn has been coaching Mars about battling and etc.

    On to a general thing: How about also if Mars' pokemon nudges her to fight with Saturn and Steve? Like she's on the couch and her purugly wants her to go out there and she runs out there. Also, Jupiter was sent to stand guard, meaning if the intruders came in the house, Jupiter is assigned to fight them off and protect Mars. Maybe I should have scene to where her skuntank scares them off. Also are you getting an impression that Saturn... is controlling? Because he isn't. I mean, protecting someone does not equal to be controlling. He's not Latios but he does try to keep her off the battle field which sometimes gets on Mars' nerves. Especially when Jupiter gets to fight and she doesn't, which makes her extremely jealous of her.
  4. Ememew

    Ememew Emerald Mew

    I'm not sure what you mean by this last part. What kind of guy is he, then? Why wouldn't he use his Toxicroak?
    And why are you so insistent that Mars not battle? I'll have more on this below, but for now I'll just say that Mars blaming her lack of battling ability for Saturn being captured doesn't really work when her abilities aren't even a factor in the actual situation.
    Just keep in mind that this works better if Mars herself acts like she's waiting for the right moment to do something instead of just standing around moping. Have her listening for a signal, or for signs that Saturn can't give one.
    All this and the thing you pick out is the use of the word "defiant"? Remember that the examples I'm giving are suggestions - the actual word choice is up to you. I picked defiant because she wants to be involved in the fight and is likely worried about Saturn's safety, so she's going to be glaring in a way that indicates she's not happy with the decision to keep her out of the area. A "determined" glare to indicate her willingness to be involved might work too.

    The reason the "order from the current boss" thing is iffy is because - as you mention in your story - she's still shaken by Cyrus's disappearance into the distortion world and blames herself for that. She doesn't want a similar fate to befall Saturn, so even if he's in charge now, she might not be as willing to obey the order as she would have in the past because she's worried that history will repeat itself if she's not there to do something about it.
    Maybe you could make this a bit clearer, then? When Steve just said "new type" like that, I read it as "a pokemon Steve is not familiar with" when you just meant "a pokemon Team Dark doesn't usually use." Maybe have him say "They weren't just using their usual types. They had an abra, too" or something along those lines.

    Also, if they usually use bugs and steels - two types weak to fire - wouldn't it make more sense for Jupiter to be involved in the fight instead of being in the back? Stuntank is able to use stuff like Flamethrower.
    The point I'm trying to make with this is that Mars isn't some newbie trainer who needs help battling. She's the person who lead Team Galactic's mission to capture Mesprit. She was one of the few villains to actually succeed in capturing a Legendary Pokemon for nefarious purposes (the others being Jupiter and Saturn. N didn't really catch Reshiram/Zekrom so much as awaken it). Why are you so insistent on taking one the the few villains capable of achieving this feat and turning her into a weak fighter who needs to be protected by the others?
    Um . . . that kind of missed the point I was trying to make. Mars wants to fight - you've even had her say so. Why, then, would she need to be nudged into action?
    It also seems odd that all the focus is on "protecting Mars." That might make sense if they knew for a fact that Mars is the target, or if Mars is the only one who has access to key information or something, but not so much when they don't know what the enemy wants and Mars is canonically just as capable of holding her own as the others.
    Not at this point, but it becomes a bit iffy that Mars just says "OK, you said No, so I'll just sit around and do nothing." Just try to keep Mars more in character and this might work out better.

    That said, them having their pokemon at the ready to fight would be a good idea. Just have Mars willing to fight before her Purugly prods her to do so.

    Now, the main points I want to reiterate about Mars here are:
    1) She's the one who led the mission to capture Mesprit, so she's a very competent Commander. As such, it doesn't make sense for her to be seen as the weakling that needs to be guarded from the world. Saturn wanting to protect her because he loves her can work, but only if her reactions to this are believable - she needs to be preparing to charge into battle anyway because she, as you said, wants to. And she probably wants to protect Saturn as much as he wants to protect her, especially after the Cyrus thing.

    2) The idea that she blames her weakness for Saturn's capture doesn't work when her strength isn't even on trial. Why does she blame her battle abilities when she doesn't even battle? Maybe this could work if another group attacked Mars and Jupiter, and they fended them off, but Mars struggled a bit more than Jupiter/Jupiter's Stuntank finishes off Mars's opponent before her Purugly can. Then they make their way to where Saturn and Steve are but arrive too late, and Mars thinks that if she'd been stronger they would have gotten through their own attackers faster and have gotten to the other side of the fight in time to save Saturn.

    Make sense?
  5. okay the first chapter has been fixed. which meant that the second chapter has been deleted because i am doing something to it and adding parts of the orginal first chapter into it.
  6. Ememew

    Ememew Emerald Mew

    Before I begin, I’ll start by saying this version is much improved over the previous first chapter. It’s also wonderful to see that you’ve become more responsive to suggestions and criticism than you used to be, but please try not to use my recommendations word-for-word, OK? It’s OK for the most part, since that’s the reason I’m putting them out there, but rewording at least some of them with the idea intact might help you out more. I’ll mainly be focusing on what’s changed since the first version this readthrough.
    Since you have Purugly out from the start in this version, you might want to have one or the other of the sounds be the first thing Mars hears, followed by the other, or make one sound seem more notable than the other. Examples:
    The sounds of people talking were enough to startle the red haired woman from her sleep, but her Pokémon’s growling made her snap to full alertness.” OR The sound of her Pokémon growling startled the red haired woman from her sleep. She listened quietly to discover that her Purugly was reacting to the sounds of people talking outside.” or some variant of those examples. Ideally, you’d use your own words rather than my suggestions exactly, but they are there as possibilities, too, I suppose.

    Additionally, I find it’s usually less distracting to use “and” instead of “plus” in situations like this one, so if you keep the two sounds coming to Mars’s attention at the same time, you might want to swap plus out for and.

    I wonder if Saturn might take note of the upset purugly as well as Mars’s nervousness in the next scene.
    The bolded part is a little odd. Maybe she picked up her “still growling purugly” would seem less wordy?

    The use of “her” when you say Saturn made shush noises to calm her down is supposed to refer to the purugly, right? You might want to make it clearer who Saturn is calming here.
    Here’s another part that sounds a bit weird. Maybe split the sentence into two and reorder them, beginning with the fact that it sounded like the figure outside was about to push in the window and then having Mars and Saturn escaping the room in the next sentence.
    Still not sure about the term “weird expression” . . .

    Looks like a typo here. “her her arms” is meant to be “in her arms.”

    It might sound a bit cleaner to replace “while she held her stuntank in her arms” with “and a stuntank in her arms,” but this is more of a stylistic difference and it isn’t bad the way it is (once you fix the typo, anyway).
    This sounds a lot better now that it’s less list-like.
    I’m sort of confused as to why Mars is getting the bag now and where she’s getting it from. If it was in her room, the guy breaking in would already be in there, so running in to grab the bag undisturbed doesn’t make much sense. If it was elsewhere, then where was it?
    I’m still not sure I like the ladder being used as a way to get Jupiter out of the action when Steve brought it there. The ladder itself seems it was just there for the “here’s where you can put the ladder” joke and then just . . . nothing. Maybe making the ladder important later (as an obstacle for something to trip over in the battle) rather than just putting it away out of sight and out of mind might better justify its inclusion?
    I find this reaction more realistic than before. She’s more clearly worried about Saturn (in my opinion) and more clearly feels isolated by being told to stay out while everyone else gets a role. These together give her more reason to try to prove her strength and make her actions seem more natural regarding her investment in Saturn’s well-being.

    I might feel more comfortable with the animosity between these two if I’d seen some examples of female characters getting along in your work to contrast this against, but since it’s only the first chapter and other relationships might be forthcoming, I’ll call this OK for now. Jupiter does indeed seem the type to mock others to relieve her own stress, so it makes sense here.

    You can clean up a lot of the “when x said this” or “when y heard what someone said” by continuing the action directly after the dialogue tags end. Try to save the “when x said y” for situations where you really want the phrase the reader just saw to have extra impact. It’s not as useful here. Example:
    ”Shut up, Jupiter!” Mars shouted. She put down her Pokémon and walked toward the pink-haired woman, glaring menacingly.

    Jupiter’s stuntank growled at the perceived threat to her trainer. The ferocity the skunk displayed prevented Mars from moving any further. Saturn quickly placed his arm in front of Mars to keep the situation from escalating.

    Didn’t notice before, but if Saturn and Steve take both the flashlight and lantern, what are Jupiter and Mars seeing by? The power’s out.
    Much better. Mars’s thoughts sound much more in character here. You still get the idea that she’s concerned about Saturn, but Mars sounds more assertive and true to her game counterpart.

    Just change “lets” to “let” and this paragraph looks pretty good. That’s also one of only a few tense issues I’ve seen in a while, so you’re getting better about that, too.
    Hmmm… This might be re-worded to sound a bit better.

    Maybe “Thunderstorms weren’t things that scared Mars, but when she was already on edge from the break in and being separated from Saturn, they only added to her growing feeling of dread/feeling that something bad was going to happen. Waiting for Saturn’s signal was going to drive her crazy. She needed to do something to help. ‘My P-Phone’ she thought and reached into her bag to pull it out . . .”
    I’d get rid of the commas in “Mars . . . heard what seemed like footsteps coming at a quick pace toward the living area” as they aren’t needed there.

    I’m not sure what you mean by “a strange look.” You should probably be more specific about what emotion people are conveying when you use “strange look” and “weird expression” and the like.
    Only guys can give me orders! I don’t need a fellow woman telling me what to do!

    I’m pretty sure that this isn’t what you mean to imply here, but I still find the wording of this statement a little odd. Maybe saying “Saturn’s in charge, he outranks you so his orders come first” might make it a bit less iffy?
    Just because I suggested “defiant glare” for one scene doesn’t mean you have to use that wording every time a character glares. ;)
    More “after hearing/reading the thing the reader just saw the character doing” here. Omit it and start with “Mars dropped the phone.” And there are other types of glares, really!
    Hmm . . . is this a Beedrill? Because that only has two drill-like stingers on its arms and a third stinger on its rear, totaling three rather than four. I’m only asking because I can’t think of one with four stingers. Is it an original pokémon?
    Here’s another instance of “while the character was doing what we just saw her doing a sentence ago” – keep an eye out for these. Also, you have a tendency to say “with/gave/had a [description] expression/look” a lot. I personally find that wording clunky, especially if it’s used a lot, so perhaps you could try to find other ways of introducing facial expressions? Usually showing what makes the expression invoke what it does helps. An annoyed look might be described with the narrowing or rolling of the eyes, a cat’s ears laying back against its head, or other such features.
    It’s should be its. I know, usually apostrophes indicate possession, but here it indicates the word is a combined “it is.” Its without the apostrophe is “belonging to it.” I tend to mess up this one to and only catch it in proofreading, so I try to look out for it in others’ work too.
    Just a question about how the continuity between your different stories work. Here Mars has a ‘Dex, but in your story about Jupiter being a trainer I thought that she didn’t have most trainer-stuff because she was a part of Team Galactic. Is the Pokedex an exception to this? Is this before/after/a different continuity from your other story? Also, in-game Team Galactic steals the pokedex of Professor Rowan’s assistant because they didn’t have that device themselves. Is this one that was made based on the stolen Dex’s properties, or did Galactic later go about getting their own? Sorry, I know that’s a lot of questions over a small detail, but it did sort of throw me off as I read it.
    Here’s a scene I think could be expanded on to make it better. This is a very short description of a fight and it verges on being told rather than shown what happened. Expanding it might make it more exciting.

    she saw the Team Dark member’s pokémon pick up a huge boulder [from where? Is it rubble from the damaged corridor around it? Its own shell? A rock it generated through whatever poké-energy summons them into battle?] and launch it toward Saturn’s pokémon. The toxicroak dug its heels into the floor and smacked the rock with a well-timed chop with its right hand. The force of the brick break attack split the rock down the center and its halves landed harmlessly by Toxicroak’s sides. Mars sighed in relief.
    This line seems oddly familiar. Is it a quote from one of the games?
    This might work better if you write as though Aerodactyl’s attack is ready, and just about to hit. Aerodactyl was already rushing the foe, so I would think the wing attack was already “ready.”

    Maybe “as her pokemon’s hard wing came within feet, then inches, of the crustle’s body, the grunt looked at his pokémon and smirked” would be closer to the idea you want here to keep up the action.
    Again, where are these boulders from?
    Mars is much more active this time, so applause is in order. She’s not only more in character this way, she’s also more interesting to read about.

    I’m probably going to confuse you here, but I think “stretched” should be “stretch” to convey that Saturn is doing this at the same time as he got in front of her.

    Sort of a cliff-hanger at the end. Depending on what happens in your next installment, it might be better to finish the fight within the chapter or might be OK to leave the reader hanging. I can’t be certain until I know just how much content will be in the next chapter.
  7. I used your suggestions because yours were better than what i could come up with tho lol

    yeah you read it right, it was in her room and she got it because that bag has her phone, her dexs', her teachy tv, tm case, money, potions and her Pokemon. So all important stuff a trainer could carry.

    At the same time, she did say this in the game: The boss is the only one in the world who can order me around.

    So it's not a gender thing. It's just Mars doesn't take orders from anyone who isn't Cyrus or Saturn.

    i was trying to discribe a beedrill lol but yeah ill fix that.

    This too place a couple of years after the trainer fic with Jupiter I was supposed to do. So here, this is where all the characters I write about from Team Rocket, Plasma, Galactic and even appreitences and OCs all get trainer starter kits. That's why Mars has a pokedex in this fic. In the fic with Jupiter, she didnt have most of the stuff she needed like the trainer card etc etc.

    Hey Proton! :3

    Yeah he says that line in HG/SS and I used it here because Team Dark members often call the protags of my fics "kid" or "kiddo". I mean all protags, even Petrel, Archer and Ariana lol (trainer wise, they are the oldest)


    Also I'm not sure how a crustle would do rock wrecker seeing that they don't have hands to throw a boulder. so i kinda assume that they have some magical power to summon boulders.

    Also you said in PM that I could use girl when talking about Mars since she's 17/18 here, at least that's what I feel she is. Jupiter is 21 here so i should be using woman or such.
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2012
  8. “Mars!” Saturn yelled as he turned to her. “What are you doing?! Get back in your position!”

    “Oh, you mean the one where I just wait in the pantry and listen to Jupiter fight?!” Mars shouted as she held out a Poke ball and used it to return her Pokemon. “The one where I run and hide while you get yourself hurt playing the heroic boyfriend part?! That position?!”

    Mars was trying her best not to break down and cry, however, tears started to well up in her eyes as she quickly put her hand up to wipe them away. The thought of Saturn getting hurt while looking out for her well-being was too much for her as she looked up at him with a defiant glare. Meanwhile, Saturn looked at her poker-faced. He was trying his hardest not to show fear, but he couldn't keep the concern out of his gaze when his eyes met Mars'. She was knelt in front of him while sifting through her bag for potions. The fact that it was raining didn’t make this scene any less safe. The blue haired man then glanced over at the few remaining Team Dark members as they huddled up. He turned back to Mars as he knelt down in front of her.

    “Mars...” Saturn started to say as he went and gave her a kiss on her lips. He came a little closer to her as he raised his hand to press his palm against her cheek while glancing over at the huddled group. “All I want is for you to be safe. It’s raining, one of your Pokemon just fainted from a battle and you have no potions or revives. I don’t want you getting hurt, Mars. I know what happened at the Spear Pillar two years ago and the thought of almost losing you...”

    “But Saturn,” Mars piped up as she interrupted him. “We could fight Team Dark together. I could fight with you side by side. I’m not as strong as you but I can still fight. You can guide me. Just tell me what attack to use and I’ll do it…”

    However, before Mars could finish her sentence, Saturn heard a Team Dark member shouting out a command.

    “Magneton, use thundershock!” The grunt commanded.

    Saturn quickly turned to see the magnet Pokemon floating towards him with its power charging. The blue haired man stood up as he assumed protective mode and stretched his arms out in front of Mars. Glaring at his opponent, the commander shouted out a command to his Pokemon, who was at the ready to go.

    “Now Toxicroak, use brick break!” Saturn shouted as he pointed toward his opponent’s Pokemon. “Mars, either you go back inside or you stay behind me and don’t make any movements.”

    “B-but Saturn, wait!” the commander shouted as she quickly got herself up. “Please…”

    Saturn harshly shushed her as he turned to the scene. His toxicroak dug his heels into the ground as he lept from the ground and proceeded execute a sift chop at the foe’s magneton. As Saturn’s pokemon landed on his feet, the linked magnet fell to the ground as the Team Dark member looked around in shock. He took out a poke ball to return his Pokemon as he gave a defeated expression. A few of the other members started to leave as the commanders turned to each other and smiled.

    “Saturn, we did it!” Mars exclaimed as she threw her arms around his neck and wrapped her legs around his waist.

    “Yes, we did,” Saturn whispered as he kissed her on the cheek. “Now, I know that Steve and Jupiter already fended off their half. Why don’t you go inside and have them dry you off while I watch these two guys, okay?”

    Mars got down as she smiled at the blue haired commander. She nodded as she took out two poke balls to return her brongzong and coragunk. She then began to walk towards the Galactic building with her bag and purugly in tow. Saturn watched her leave to be sure that she’d make it in safely. Once assured that her mate was going to be alright by himself, Mars turned towards the building and rushed towards the door. However, as she began to twist the knob…


    A green light illuminated the outside of the building as a loud zapping sound could be heard. Even though it nearly made her jump, the girl turned around to see what caused such a reaction. From there, the commander froze as she couldn’t believe what she saw. Saturn was… gone. He vanished, leaving his toxicroak behind. Near the pair of Team Dark members was an older woman dressed in a different outfit than the grunts. She wore a skintight one piece jumper with a blue letter D on the corner. Her brown hair was tied back and she was standing next to a yellow Pokemon that Mars had never seen this team use. The abra just floated beside her master as the woman smirked at the Galactic commander.

    “Go back inside, my dear child,” the woman said smugly. “Or else you’ll end up like your little blue boyfriend who tried to get in our way!”

    Mars ran down the steps and towards Team Dark. Her fists her balled as she began pumping them. She felt as if her face was about to burn and she had fire in her eyes. She gave the older woman a menacing glare as the Team Dark member herself began to chuckle.

    “W-who are you?” Mars started to ask as the fumes were burning in her ruby reds. “Where’s Saturn?!”

    “Oh, how cute. The wittle kid is angwy,” the woman mocked as she laughed. “Well little lady, I’m one of three super administrators. My name’s Aida! As for that blue haired kid I used my abra to teleport him to our flagship. You know, you should thank him. Because of him, we have no further use of you or that pink haired little brat.”

    Mars began to shake as she proceeded to walk towards Aida, glaring menacingly. While the super administrator just crossed her arms and laughed, Saturn’s toxicroak assumed his trainer’s protective stance and jumped right in front of Mars to keep her from going any further. The commander was still shaking as the other members began to leave the scene, leaving the higher up member. As she gruffly turned, she said one last thing.

    “Cute. Even that Pokemon knows you are a weakling and you say you’re strong? Dream on little girl!” she said smugly. “I advise you to stay away. Stay out of Team Dark’s way. Don’t go chasing after us because you wanna wescue your boyfriend. This is your last warning.”

    As she left, tears were starting to well in her eyes. They took Saturn away from her and it brought up bad memories. Memories from three years ago when Team Galactic’s former boss was taken from her into the Distortion World. As these thoughts consumed her, she started to feel rage. If only she were stronger, just a little stronger, this would have never happened. If only she had the power to defeat Team Dark, she could have protected him for a change. Just like with Master Cyrus, if only she was stronger, he wouldn’t have been taken from her.

    She could feel the fire burning inside her heart as these thoughts consumed her mind. Then, Mars decided… despite Aida’s threats, she was going to get Saturn back and didn’t care about the danger she was getting herself in. She already lost one person who was important to her and was not about to lose another. So, she ran into the city to track down their flagships. “You know, if only I were a bit stronger… just maybe, I would have prevented Saturn from being taken away from me…’ she thought as she ran into the pouring rain into the edge of Castelia City, where a bridge was ahead. While she ran toward the bridge, she looked up and could see a large fleet a ships going toward the bridge. As she went into the tunnel, she screamed out his name a couple of time. She was determined to catch up to Team Dark, no matter the cost. She wanted to be the one to rescue her loved one for a change and she had all the willpower to do so.

    However, because it was raining, Mars started to get really cold and somewhat dizzy as she finally reached Skyarrow Bridge. As she got on to the bridge, she started to run faster than ever. The rain however, made it difficult for Mars to see the ships as she began to get frustrated. Finally, she couldn’t see them anymore and she stopped in the middle of the bridge, ignoring the fact that cars were passing by. She struggled to catch her breath as water was beginning to get into her nose. She then used the last bit of energy she had to call out for her partner again.

    “Saturn!” Mars screamed out as she looked up at the sky.

    She started to get weak as she became light headed and her legs felt like they wouldn’t support her as she fell to the ground. Once she had hit the ground, she instantly blacked out.
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2012
  9. It was the next morning as the bright light from the sun illuminated the semi-dark bedroom. The sound of spearows and pidgeys chirping outside was enough to awake the red headed girl from her sleep. She stretched and yawned while she sat up on the bed and began to look around. Mars then noticed that she was in a room, in a bed that didn’t belong to her. Nothing looked familiar to her. The room was a plain white color with a plain bed that had green sheets. It looked more like a guest room than a real room. So she knew that she wasn’t back in Saturn’s room.

    She also noticed that she was actually wearing an article of clothing. She wore a short white lacey nightgown that was about three sizes too big since the sleeves kept falling off her shoulders. The window was partially opened as the white sheer curtains flowed with the warm morning breeze. Mars quickly got out of bed and ran to the window, sliding the curtains apart to see through the window. She could see that the city was very peaceful, but had a different vibe to it. It was indeed busy as people were walking and driving along but the buildings seemed more commercialized. Most of the homes she was seeing were all apartments or two story houses. Most of them were also red brick houses with a staircase in the entrance. This looked nothing like the city she was in before which was by the sea.

    Then, the door handle could be heard turning as the door began to open. This spooked Mars as she jumped back and looked towards the door. When the door opened, an older woman who looked as if she was in her late forties came in the room with a smile on her face. She also had Mars’ clothes in tow as she laid them on the bed. As she looked at this red haired woman weirdly, she reminded Mars of someone. Someone she had considered to be her best friend. Someone she had hung with about two weeks ago.

    “Oh you’re up!” the lady exclaimed as she neatly folded the clothes on the bed. “I washed your clothes for you, dear. Now they are all nice and clean.”

    “… Who are you and how did I end up here?!” Mars demanded more than asked.

    The red haired lady then came to her side of the bed and proceeded to sit near where the commander was standing. She patted one side of the bed, motioning for Mars to come sit next to her. While she grimaced, she decided to go over and sit next to the woman.

    “Well what had happen was, I was driving along Skyarrow Bridge last night. It was going on to one o’clock-ish at the time and I was just coming from the grocery store,” the older woman explained. “It was pouring so I really couldn’t see that well. So when I was driving along the bridge, I saw something big lying in the middle of the road. I stopped and tried to take a closer look and when I did, it saw that it was actually a person, and that person was you. So I got out and I grabbed a towel to scoop you up and bring you back home. That’s how you ended up here.”

    “Why, I thank you for not leaving me out there,” the girl said as she stood up from the bed. “I had no idea that I fainted in the middle of the road. All I knew was that I was calling out for someone and then my mind went blank.”

    “Well, what heck were you thinking Mars?” the older woman asked with concern in her voice. “You could have gotten killed out there. Didn’t you see the cars? Thank god nobody ran over you. And that it was raining pretty hard so you could have caught a cold... ”

    Mars did not say a single word. She just looked at the older woman square in the eye. Now, all she wanted was for her to leave the room so that she could change her clothes. She did not care to ask how this woman knew her name; she just wanted her out of her sight. All Mars wanted was to get out of this strange home so that she can resume her search for Saturn. Now he could have been taken anywhere since she missed them last night and the more she stays, the worse it is for him. The woman appeared to be reading the girl’s thoughts as she flashed a smile and stood up.

    “Get dressed, and then come to the table to eat,” she said as she proceeded to leave the room.

    After she left the room, Mars lets out a heavy sigh as she quickly grabbed her clothes and proceeded to get dressed quickly. As she got dressed, many thoughts were running through her mind. ‘Where could he be now? I really have no time for socializing. I need to track him down! But... if only I could predict where Team Dark was headed...’ Before she finished getting herself dressed, she noticed that the zipper in the back of her dress was down. Normally, this wasn’t a problem since Saturn would always zip up her dress, but now as she was bending her arms and wrist to reach it, she increasingly got frustrated as she just took her bag and left the room.

    With a determined expression, Mars ran down the stairs and into the living room where her sight was set on the front door. She did not care to scan around the house at the decor, she just wanted to leave. However, before she could twist the knob to open the door...

    “Oh! I didn’t expect to see you here!” a familiar voice exclaimed.

    Upon hearing the voice, Mars turned around, and when she did, she was shocked by what she saw. Her friend with short red hair was coming down the other flight of stairs with a smile on her face. She looked like she was an older lady, looked to be in her early thirties. She had on a white long dress with a black patch on the top corner. In that black patch was a red letter R in it. As the executive was putting on her gold earrings, Mars just froze. She looked just like the woman who brought her clothes, so she could only assume that she lived here and the woman she met was her mother.

    “Ariana!” Mars exclaimed as she ran towards her with open arms.

    “Mars!” Ariana shouted as she also ran towards her friend.

    Both girls gave each other a short but endearing embrace as they gave each other a friendly kiss on the lips. Ariana raised her hand and made a circle like gesture as a motion for Mars to turn around. When she did, the older woman then reaches for the zipper that was on the back of her friend’s dress and quickly zips it up for her. Mars quickly turned back around and thanked her friend for the zipper pull as she gave her yet another friendly hug.

    “Boy am I happy to see you!” Ariana exclaimed. “What a good way to start a typical morning!”

    “Hm, I know! Especially after what happened to me last night,” Mars said as she was itching towards the door. “Speaking of that, I’m sorry Ariana but I really need to leave on short notice. I have an emergency I must tend to.”

    However, as Mars was almost at the door, Ariana ran right in front of her and stretched her arms right in front of the door. The girl looked up at her and gave her a confused look.

    “Ariana, please… I need to leave!” the commander as she raised her voice slightly. “Why are you preventing me from leaving? What’s your problem?”

    “Mars… I saw on the news, about Team Dark,” Ariana said as she looked down at the ground. “They were over this city not too long ago and I really don’t think you should go out there.”

    Mars could sense that her friend was lying to her. She was on Skyarrow Bridge by the time she lost Team Dark. Now that she was in her friend’s house this morning, she knew that they were much further down the road than Ariana claimed they were. Plus, the news only reports on Team Dark if they planned to do something that was devastating to the nation. Yes, they took Saturn, however it wasn’t really a national crisis worth reporting about. Mars raised her eyebrow at Ariana as she was increasingly getting frustrated with her.

    “Even if that really happened, I don’t care,” Mars said with frustration rising in her voice. “Saturn is on their ships and I have to save him. I’m telling you, I need to leave now!”

    “…Mars!” Ariana piped up as she tried her hardest to keep her friend from leaving.

    At this point, both girls were both getting exasperated. Ariana tried everything. She tried pushing her friend away from the door lightly since she was bigger and taller than Mars. She tried talking about how her mother would be upset if she left so soon and she even tried making up lies about crises on the news. Mars on the other hand was starting to get really upset. Saturn was out there on Team Dark’s ships and she promised herself that she would stop at nothing to save him. But the older woman was blocking her way and this made her really mad. ‘Okay, calm down Mars… she’s never acted like this before. It’s no use getting upset now. Just ask her why she is acting so erratically. Maybe you could sort things out and you’ll be on your way’ she thought as she was no longer as upset as she was before.

    “You know what, Ariana?” Mars said in a calm but stern voice. “I’ve never seen you act like this before. Why are you doing this? What’s the matter? I’d like to know because it’s surprising that you would act this way. You’re usually so calm and collected. I look at you as my mature other half. Are you alright?”

    They both stared at each other in the moment. Upon staring at her, Ariana took Mars by her hand and lead her to the kitchen table. When they reached the dining table, they pulled out their chairs as they sat down and face each other.

    “… Mars,” Ariana started to say as she had calmed down a bit as well. “… I know what happened out there. You know… with you fainting in the middle of the bridge. I was just about to go the sleep for the night until my mother came home with you in tow. You were limp and wet so I asked what happened. She said you fainted in the middle of the bridge. When I heard that, my heart dropped. I feared for you, Mars. I really did. I bathed you, dried you and gave you a dry nightgown while my mother washed your clothes. Why did you run out in the pouring rain anyway? How could you do something so dangerous? That’s not like you, Mars.”

    “Oh… that’s why you didn’t want me to go out?” Mars asked with concern in her voice as she moved her chair closer to her friend’s. “Ariana, I did that because I wanted to chase after Team Dark. It started like this: headquarters was about to be invaded by a bunch of people from Team Dark. So Saturn and I quickly ran outside to fend them off while of course, Steve also had to go and protect his precious Jupiter since you know… she’s sooo gorgeous and strong and can get anything she wants and…”

    As Mars was beginning to ramble, Ariana puts up her hand as a signal for her to stop.

    “Mars can we save your envy of Jupiter for say… later?” the red haired woman asked as she chuckled. “I mean she unnerves me as well but this is beside the point…”

    “Oh sorry,” Mars said. “Anyway, while Saturn won against them, they teleported him to their main ship. So that’s why I ran out the way I did. You see Ariana, I need to save Saturn. I need to. I don’t care what happens to me along the way. Yeah, I fainted in the middle of the bridge but I don’t care. I was close to those ships and then I lost them and I’ll keep going until I track down Saturn. I’m sick and tired of the most important people in my life being taken from me. Cyrus was taken from me two years ago and now Saturn.”

    “Mars!” Ariana screamed as she stood up from her chair and walked up to where Mars was sitting. “So you don’t care what happens to you? Huh? Well you know something, Mars? My mother might be a pain in the *** sometimes but thank god she was the one who got you. You had me worried sick, Mars! Someone could have taken you and done horrible things to you. Someone could have just run over you and you would have died. You could have caught a bad cold or got struck by lightning. And you’re going to sit here and tell me that you don’t care? What the hell?!”

    Mars gave the older woman a blank stare as she was listening to every word that was coming out of her mouth. She could clearly see in her eyes that Ariana was really worried about her. Tears welled in her eyes and flowed down her face as she quickly was trying to dry them. Even though Mars felt that Ariana didn’t understand why she did the things she did and that she was being a bit selfish, she was sorry that she had worried her. She got up from her chair and proceeded to give her friend a hug as an apology.

    “Mars… I’m so sorry for the way I acted,” Ariana started to explain. “I was being selfish and immature. If you have to save Saturn, then I shouldn’t have stopped you. You wouldn’t have done that of it were me wanting to save Archer. It’s just that, seeing the only person who even bothered to get to know me as a friend getting hurt scares me. It does weird things to my brain, Mars. Anyway, I am sorry and if you need to leave right now, I’d understand.”

    As Mars was pondering on whether she should just run and leave, she looked up at her friend with a smile. ‘Maybe I should ask her if she wants to go with me. That way, everything will get handled in a mature way. Plus Ariana is a strong woman. She could also help me with Team Dark’ she thought as she gave Ariana a huge smile.

    “… if you want, you can come with me!” Mars exclaimed.

    Ariana also flashed a smile as she took her bag and followed Mars out the front door.
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2012
  10. Ememew

    Ememew Emerald Mew

    And I’m (finally) back to review the next part(s). I will say, though, I’m not really sure where the first “part” ends and the second begins. The second scene (the continuation of the battle through Mars chasing after Saturn) seems like a continuation of the first part rather than one that can stand alone as a chapter (you could splice it back in to the end of the first chapter and just get a longer chapter that has the same scene and themes). Maybe actually labeling chapter breaks as “Chapter 1”, “Chapter 2”, etc. would help? Anyway, on to chapter 2? Chapter 1.5? The second post, anyway.

    You seem to be missing a scene or something. The last post left off with Saturn flinging himself in the path of an attack aimed at Mars, but this starts out like they’re just talking. What happened to the cliffhanger from last time?
    Does your writing program have a way to insert the é in Pokémon? If it doesn’t, you can still get the symbol by copying it from elsewhere (this very comment, for example) and pasting it in where needed.

    The main reason I bring this up is not because it’s an issue in the word pokémon itself, but it is for poké ball. When written as two separate words, the “poke” part, without the accent, looks like you’re saying it’s a “poke” ball (like a ball that pokes things – last I knew, poké balls didn’t have fingers).
    At the bolded: This seems a bit more like you’re telling than showing. Maybe try a way to express how she feels without “stating” it? For example, “Mars gasped when she saw that Saturn’s uniform had been torn at the shoulder and a sticky, red fluid had dried around the edges of the rip. He was bleeding while she had been left out of the fight for her own protection. She clenched her fist as the beginnings of frustrated, tears formed in her eyes.”

    That said, I doubt a person who had been involved in the capture of Mesprit would be on the edge of “breaking down” over this. She can be upset, sure, but being on the edge of breaking down is a little much.

    Also, “poker-faced” means Saturn isn’t showing any emotion, yet you say he also looks concerned. Maybe just say “Saturn tried his hardest to keep his face blank, but could not hide the concern in his eyes.” – Again, that said, look at how you are portraying the same emotion from these two characters. Mars is upset because she’s worried about the possibility of Saturn being hurt, Saturn is upset because he’s worried about Mars getting hurt. Mars is “about to break down and cry” while Saturn “is poker-faced.” Do you see how practically opposite these reactions are for the exact same stimulus? It seems especially odd considering these people are both canonically more likely to react the way Saturn is.
    I’m really not sure what you mean by the rain making this no more dangerous than it already is. Why would rain have any effect on how safe the situation is?

    Is this really the best time for a kiss, when the enemy are still hanging around? Especially since we never saw them defeated – the last post before this left off in the middle of a battle, with a still-fighting Crustle launching a Rock Wrecker towards Mars’s Crobat, and her rushing in to continue fighting him. That Crustle was still a threat as of last chapter, and was never dealt with, so I’m left assuming it’s still a threat now. This is not the time to leave their backs unguarded so they can kiss.

    Also, why is Mars so short-supplied?
    No. This is Mars. One of three Commanders of Team Galactic. Mars, who lead the successful mission to capture Mesprit. She does not need her boyfriend telling her how to battle like she’s some rookie.

    You seem to be relying on ONE quote from Platinum wherein Jupiter calls Mars “weak” (after a double battle they both lost, no less) to justify Mars acting like a struggling newbie. Even if she is the weakest Commander, she still far outstrips all the grunts by a lot. She’s shown as a ruthless, successful leader in Galactic’s operations in the games and you are treating her like she’s a new trainer who has to be taught how to battle.

    Yeah, there are still enemies around (still not sure what happened to the Crustle, though), so that break for kissing earlier seems really out of place. We already know they’re lovers because they were in bed together when the story started, so they don’t need to kiss in the middle of a large battle scene.
    “assumed protective mode” ought to be “assumed a protective stance” or something. That said, Mars should not need to be protected to this degree while she just stands there doing nothing. If Saturn must act this protective of her, also have her ACTING too, not just standing there letting Saturn get hurt in her stead.
    You say ground fairly close together here. Maybe try to find a way to remove/replace one?

    Sift should be swift.

    Gave a defeated expression just doesn’t sound right, and needs to be shown rather than told. What about the expression makes the person look “defeated”? Blank eyes, a despondent gaze, a sigh, a frown, what?

    She can’t even dry herself off? Oh, dear.
    Humans don’t usually refer to their significant others as “mates” (unless you’re using British slang for ‘friend’).
    “could be heard” is passive voice. Who heard it? Mars? Then say “A green light illuminated the outside of the building as Mars heard a loud zapping sound.” Also, by “zapping” do you mean it sounded like electricity?
    Out of curiosity, why would the move Teleport involve a loud sound and a green light that envelops the whole building? Teleporting is really just disappearing from one location and appearing at another one. It doesn’t need to light up the entire building or make excessively loud noises.

    Little blue boyfriend? Only his hair is blue . . .
    She balled her fists. Also, if she’s charging into fight them, why does she just stop her charge to glare?
    Why is she stuttering? Some characters, such as Bianca, do stutter in canon. Mars is not one of these characters.
    And why would they no longer need anyone after getting Saturn? Two sources of information are better than one, as one person might know something the other does not.

    So even after Saturn’s gone, Mars cannot do anything? She doesn’t get to defeat so much as one opponent?
    As who left, Mars? I know you said the Team Dark members were leaving, but it’s unclear as to whether any are still here.
    Maybe show these memories instead of just saying she experienced them?
    This is the same problem as last time, I’m afraid. Mars cannot blame her lack of battle abilities if her lack of battle abilities had nothing to do with Saturn being taken. She doesn’t fight at all in the post Saturn is taken in, despite having a good few pokémon still able to fight. Battling itself has nothing to do with Saturn being taken by teleport, either. That happened when there was no battle actively going on, so battling ability played no role from Mars, Saturn, or anyone else for that matter.

    Again, she cannot blame her battle skills when her “battling” amounts to watching Saturn fight while she stands there gaping at him. It makes no sense to do so.

    Again, this ability to actually DO anything only happens after Saturn isn’t giving her orders anymore. Why?

    Also, why can’t she send out a pokémon to help track them? Even if Aerodactyl and Crobat can’t fly from their injuries, Bronzong can still float after them with Psychic powers. (Again, she doesn’t have to catch up – the ship can be faster – but it looks less pathetic than running after an airship.)
    Why does she faint? Because her boyfriend is gone? She never even suffered a single wound in the battle.

    Yeah, after reading this post, it looks like you really want to write a character who isn’t Mars. You want to write a person who is weak and unsure of herself. Mars is neither of these. Even if she is the “weakest commander” she will still be quite strong because she’s only weaker in comparison to the other commanders. She’s miles ahead of grunts and regular trainers. Being a commander is kind of a big deal, so either write her in a way that makes sense for a commander or write about someone who is not named Mars. A compromise could be writing her at an earlier point in her life, before she worked her way up to commander (but remember to de-age Saturn and Jupiter, too).

    Since this is post-Cyrus entering the Distortion World, go with the “actually writing her as a commander” option, please.

    Onto the next post then (Chapter 2? 3?)
    I know I mentioned it in the quoted part in bold, but yeah, there are a number of ways to avoid saying “girl” here. “the Galactic commander” is another alternative.

    Also, pidgeys and spearows? Why use Kanto birds when the story is in Unova and pidove would be more likely to be around? Remember setting a story in a certain region means using what is in that region to your advantage as a storyteller.
    Um, no. You later explain that she was brought here after passing out in the cold rain. Her rescuer would be interested in keeping her warm. A thick, warm nightgown or flannel pajamas would work better. The skimpy, half-falling-off lace nightgown is only there to make her “sexy,” which is a really LOW priority when one considers hypothermia.

    passive voice. Who heard it? “Mars heard the door handle turning” works better.
    Late 40s. Last I heard, you’d made Ariana 31, so that would make her mother in her mid teens when she gave birth?
    If she “demanded” the information, why are there ellipses at the beginning, implying hesitation?
    happen -> happened
    Which is why her priority once she gets her home is to put her in sexy rather than warm pajamas?

    This paragraph seems to repeat a lot of the thoughts running through her head from the previous one. (Also, she could release a pokémon with hands like Croagunk or with psychic powers like Bronzong to zip her up if she has her poké balls. If she doesn’t have them, those should be her priority.)

    Since Mars knows Ariana, there’s no need to keep her name a secret until Mars says it. You can still describe her, but maybe mention her by name earlier on.

    1) They’re not both “girls” since you have previously said Ariana is in her early thirties. Ariana would be inarguably a woman.

    2) I thought I explained why “friendly kiss” and “kiss on the lips” are not the same thing. Lips are more intimate, friendly kisses are on the cheek. Decide which tone you are aiming for and use it alone.
    You need a comma after boy.

    I kinda get Saturn being overprotective, but it might make more sense for Ariana to discuss what happened directly with Mars instead of pretending nothing happened until Mars tries to leave. She’d want to know why her friend was unconscious in the middle of the road, so she should ask her that question outright instead of pretending she’s only over for dinner until Mars makes a move to go after Saturn again.
    How bad is the situation in Unova that kidnappings aren’t considered worth reporting?
    Again, early thirties is an adult no matter how you look at it, so you cannot refer to Ariana and Mars together as “both girls.” You may, however, say “both women” or “both redheads” as these are qualities that actually do apply to BOTH of them.
    This scene seems to go on too long for what you’re trying to accomplish with it. It looks like Ariana’s just stalling for time. Ariana’s usually more direct than this.
    Instead of telling us how Ariana usually is, just write her how she usually is. Saying “you’re out of character, you’re usually more like this” just looks like you’re trying to preempt readers’ reactions by saying you know she’s out-of-character rather than actually attempting to write her in character.

    It’s a little rain. Mars is a Galactic commander. She battles in situations where rain would be the last concern. Remember when writing a commander to remember that she is a commander, not a rookie, and has already been on many dangerous missions.
    Again, why do you keep implying Jupiter only succeeds in things because she seduces people rather than prevailing with her own skills?

    This might actually be the best place to introduce the association with Saturn being taken with Cyrus’s disappearance. You don’t go into the details with her earlier “flashbacks” so saving this information for here would look more like revealing a new piece of information about Mars’s character instead of just reiterating what was already said in the previous chapter.

    Ariana is usually more level-headed than she’s acting here.
    There might be a better way of showing Mars come to this conclusion. Maybe Have her just jump into saying “I understand. I have an idea! Come with me. If we fight together, we’ll be more likely to save Saturn and less likely to get hurt.” Or something along those lines that shows her thought process and allows her to express it at the same time.

    Mars and Ariana are both more emotional than they are in the games, and Ariana really shouldn’t be beating around the bush like that. Make Ariana’s words and actions more direct and to the point, and a lot of issues will clear up immediately. Also, remember to write Mars as a commander with experience. She leads troops of grunts, she doesn’t need permission from others to act on her own when the situation calls for it.

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