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Reunited [PokéShipping, PG/PG-13]

Discussion in 'Shipping Fics' started by Flame Mistress, Sep 3, 2011.

  1. Flame Mistress

    Flame Mistress Well-Known Member

    Reunited [PokéShipping, PG/PG-13]

    So, um, hi! You are reading my first published shipping fic! As you might notice while reading this I'm still quite a beginner, and this is kinda some kind of tester one-shot, to, well, test my skills.
    This story contains mild violence (Punching Cilan in the face) and kissing scenes, so it's somewhere between PG and PG-13 (Not that I should be writing PG-13 anyway, lol). So... Enjoy, and please, when you're reviewing, don't flame the story, the author or the shipping, or I shall click that red and white triangular button called the Report button above your post!



    Ash returned to Pallet Town, with new friends, new Pokémon, and the title of the Unova Champion.*

    Ash, feeling rather nervous, slowly knocked on the door of his house. The door seemed unlocked; he cautiously tiptoed inside, when -

    "CONGRATULATIONS!" A yell came from the room as the light turned on and Ash's former friends jumped out of hiding, hugging and shaking hands with Ash. Brock, Tracey, May, Max, Drew, Dawn, Kenny, Barry, Gary... They were all there, not to mention Professor Oak and Delia. "Mum!" Ash shouted, rushing over and hugging her tight. "I missed you so much!" Delia was almost in tears. "Oh, I missed you too, my proud little boy," she sobbed.*

    Ash released Delia from his hug and observed the room more carefully. The room was silent for a moment. Ash finally spoke up again. "Where's Misty?" he asked.*

    "She's busy," Brock told him. "She has too many challengers - apparently it's more than both Misty and Daisy can handle." Ash frowned at that. Dawn, Kenny and Barry had come all the way from Sinnoh, a good few hundreds, if not thousands of miles up north of Kanto, yet Misty, his best friend, couldn't make it to Pallet town, only about one twentieth of that distance at the most?*

    For some reason, Ash suddenly began to feel that this party wasn't going to be as good as he'd expected it to be.*


    "So, how was the party?" Cilan asked curiously the next day, in front of the Pokémon Centre. He and Iris had just been relaxing on the beach, unwilling to go to Ash's party, so that his nostalgia could be revived more.*

    "Fine," Ash muttered, sighing as he pushed past him to heal his Pokémon (after many boring, pointless battles from the previous day).*

    "That doesn't sound like a genuine 'fine' to me," Iris said, hands on hips. Cilan nodded his head. "Ash, are you sure it was fine?" he asked.

    "It's none of your business," Ash grumbled as he made his way to Nurse Joy's counter and handing over his Pokémon to her. Iris and Cilan looked at each other, puzzled. Usually he was never like this at all.*

    Iris now folded her arms. "Now, come on, something must have been very wrong for you to act like that," she said. "Tell me the truth, Ashton Ketchum. What went wrong yesterday?"

    "Stop sounding like my mum," Ash murmured. "Anyway..."

    "Anyway...?" Cilan pushed him on.*

    "...My best friend didn't turn up," Ash finally admitted.*

    There was a pause, then, laughter broke out from the two teens. "You got upset that much because a friend didn't turn up?" Iris laughed. "That has to be the lamest excuse ever!"

    "You don't get it!" Ash shouted. "Look, I'm going outside," he said, and hurried through the doors. Iris and Cilan followed out of curiosity.*

    "Ash, but really, you're overreacting," Cilan told the sulking Unova Champion. "I understand that he must have been a great friend, but still, he probably had other stuff to do than -" Cilan was interrupted as in the blink of an eye, Ash's fist went flying through the air straight for Cilan's face as Iris screamed, and the next second, Cilan was clutching his bleeding nose. Cilan just stared at Ash, dumbstruck. "What the hell?" he shouted. "Ash!"

    "...I love her," Ash said quietly, then ran towards the beach, leaving the teens stunned.*

    It took a minute or so for the teens to figure out that Ash was not gay and that his best friend was a girl instead.*


    "Misty! So are you free yet?" Brock talked through the phone to his good friend.*

    "Sorry, not yet, I'm really busy, I mean, the whole week's been reserved for battles -"

    "A whole WEEK!?"

    "Yes, Brock, a week. And maybe the next too, seeing that half of all the battles have been postponed...*Anyway, I can't waste my time visiting an old friend," Misty replied. A figure appeared behind her, and told her something, to which she nodded. "Okay, I've gotta go now, another match in five minutes, bye!"

    "But Misty! You have no idea how much Ash -" Brock began to shout, but Misty was already gone from the screen.*

    Brock looked at the screen that once showed Misty's face. Did she look... Different?*

    Brushing it off, he sighed, realising the fact that Ash would have to wait another seemingly-everlasting week before he could meet his best friend.*

    The trouble was how to break the news to him.*


    Brock found Ash sitting by the beach, all alone, staring at the sea.*

    "Hey Ash," Brock greeted. "Cilan told me that you'd be here, so..."

    "Heard anything about Misty?" Ash asked, half-eager, half-anxious.*

    Brock opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. "So...?" Ash asked.*

    "She's... She's really busy Ash, and she says she can't go anywhere this week because of the Gym. And she expects next week to be no different, which means -"

    Ash suddenly stood up, and began to walk away. "Where are you going?" Brock demanded, bewildered at Ash's sudden act.*

    "Pokémon Centre, then Cerulean City," Ash said coldly, then kept on walking. Brock only watched with sad eyes as his formerly outgoing friend seemed to look like a Paul clone.*


    "Has he been like that lately?" Brock asked Iris and Cilan (whose nose had been bandaged, reminding Brock of Maylene), who were still at the Pokémon Centre.*

    "Well... He hasn't been very happy since Opelucid City, dunno why..." Cilan answered after hesitating for a moment. "He won't even be mad at me when I called him a kid, like usual; he'd just turn away with a sad face," Iris added.*

    "What happened at Opelucid City, anyway?" Brock asked again. He could see Cilan frowning now. "Ash got into a fight with Trip - his rival - and Trip said, well, that an airhead trainer like him couldn't even attempt to make it past the first round in the League, and - and - that -" Cilan shut his mouth and shook his head.*

    "He told Ash that nobody loved him, that it was all a lie because of how pathetic he was and how sorry they felt for him," Iris finished off for Cilan. "And that set him off. I won't go into much detail, but... Well, worse than what happened to Cilan."

    Brock half-understood the situation.*

    "He wasn't even very happy after defeating Alder, you see," Cilan added, shocking Brock. Ash wasn't happy when he achieved his lifetime goal, to become a Pokémon Master?

    "Best for you to leave him alone," Iris told him, and Brock agreed, nodding.*


    Ash decided to only take Pikachu with him to the way to Cerulean City.*

    He remembered Route 1, where he had first met Misty, trying to rescue Pikachu, and borrowing her bike, frying it as well, making itself the excuse for Misty of following him... So many good memories.*

    Viridian Forest, where Ash caught his first Pokémon, a Caterpie, and where he learnt of Misty's fear of Bug-Type Pokémon...

    Pewter City, where Ash first met Brock, who'd later become his second best friend and the older brother, or even father, that he never had... Ash chuckled at the thought of Forrest running the Gym now; he must have only been around Max's age the first time he saw him...

    ...And Cerulean City, his last destination, after a few days of non-stop travelling.*

    Nervously, after locating the Cerulean City Gym, Ash walked to the door to ring the bell, only to be tackled by a Pokémon Trainer, clutching a Cascade Badge between his hands. "Oops! Sorry!" the boy said. "Man, that Misty was tough! She was stronger than all the other Gym Leaders combined... At least I won my sixth badge! It must have been luck, but oh well, I gotta tell Mum about this!" he said, and after muttering one last apology to Ash, he sped away, leaving Ash slightly dazed. Recomposing himself, Ash knocked on the door and was greeted by a blonde, young woman, whom he recognised as Daisy, Misty's sister.*

    "Ash! I heard you're, like, the Unova Champion now, congrats!" Daisy greeted Ash.*

    "Where's Misty? Ash asked immediately, ignoring Daisy's comment.*

    "Oh, um, she has a battle, like, right now, so, like, you can't see her right now, sorry," Daisy told him. Ash's face fell. "When's she free?" Ash asked.*

    "I dunno, maybe, like, eight o'clock in the evening?" Daisy said. "But that's six hours away!" Ash exclaimed, his face fell further.*

    But he waited anyway.*

    At eight o'clock exactly, Ash heard Daisy calling Misty. With excitement, Ash listened to the footsteps getting closer.

    Ash was stunned when he saw Misty. Her hair was no longer a side ponytail, but straight and shoulder length, with the edges pointing up. Her cerulean blue eyes were as beautiful as the ocean, and her smile was like sunshine.*

    Where he'd got these expressions from, he had no idea.*

    Nevertheless, Ash ran up to Misty and hugged her tightly. "I missed you, Mist," Ash murmured. "Ash..." Misty said.*

    Ash released Misty from his embrace, letting her scan his body. "My, you've grown," Misty exclaimed. "I think you're even taller than me now!" Ash smirked.*

    "And you, Misty... Well... You're certainly prettier than I last saw you," Ash said, making Misty blush slightly. "Thanks," she replied.*

    Silence followed. Ash gazed at Misty. Misty gazed at Ash. It was a sweet, soothing silence.*

    "Misty...?" Ash said finally. "What?" Misty asked.*

    "I... I..." Ash stammered. "I... Iloveyoumisty," he quickly finished, making Misty giggle. "Say that again?" she said.*

    "Misty... I... Love you," Ash finally said, thanking Arceus for giving him the courage and the willpower.*

    Misty's face melted into a soft smile. "Ash... I love you too, I always have..." Misty murmured... And the two teens walked closer to each other, and their lips met for a kiss. It was wonderful for both teens, their minds tingling with excitement and love. After a minute or so, the couple finally broke apart, smiling.*

    "Misty... I'm gonna be touring East Unova, do you want to come with me? It will make up for all the lost time we missed out on being together," Ash asked. "Just you and me?" Misty said. "Yes... Just you and me, and no one else..." Ash replied, leaning in for another kiss.*


    Of course, Daisy wasn't happy with the fact that she had to be in charge of the whole Gym, and Iris and Cilan were shocked that they weren't invited, after all the support they gave Ash.*
  2. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie 桜咲くこの坂を今も上っている

    I haven't seen a PokéShipping story on here for a while, so needless to say, this did catch my attention.

    Well, I have to say it's short, but a nice story for your first, even if there wasn't much of a reunion (that could be added on some more). I may not have watched any of Best Wishes, but thanks to being on this site long enough, I was able to glean what you were talking about when it came to Unova-related aspects, so I wasn't lost at all.

    Now to the critique. Normally I'd wrap things in quotes, but these are the most common mistakes that would fill up as long, if not longer, than your one-shot.

    First off, what's with the asterisks at the end of nearly every paragraph? I don't know what program you're using, but for some reason it added those. They are very distracting, and need to be removed.

    Second, dialogue from two or more different people shouldn't be in the same paragraph. Even if you state who that person is before or after the piece of conversation, each new person who speaks gets their own paragraph. Which means this:

    Needs to be this:

    Third, though it's more of a personal thing for me, names are repeated all too often in the same paragraph. I know it technically is the correct way to do it, but this is why we have pronouns. It's to keep from being too repetitive. You may have their name in non-dialogue parts mentioned probably twice in the same paragraph, but otherwise, use pronouns.

    And last but not least, this part:

    Um... where did that come from? It wasn't established at all in the story his friends thought he was gay. And I don't think this is ever mentioned at all in Best Wishes that they think of that. I suggest either removing it, or changing it, that has no place in this story whatsoever.

    Other than that, for the most part, the grammar is fine, and I could find no spelling mistakes (though I take it you were taught to spell "realize" as "realise", which is fine). My only other issue is that the reunion between Ash and Misty could have been handled better, but I already mentioned that at the beginning. And this story is more of a "PG" feel than "PG-13", to be honest with you. The kiss was never implied to be anything else other than a kiss on the lips.

    So this is not too bad for a new writer. It does have a beginner's feel to it, but you took great care with this, which sets it apart from other new writings from new writers. You have potential. With more practice, within a few years, you will have developed your own style. I'm happy for you, this is a good sign. If this keeps up, we'll have a new generation of writers to replace us.

    I hope to see more from you.
  3. AquaRegisteel

    AquaRegisteel Face Oblivion

    You've done quite well, for an apparent beginner. I like how you've put Ash in a sulky mood throughout the story. And how he stammered was quite in-character, too.

    However, there was a slight lack of description in certain parts.

    For Example, right at the beginning before he opened the door to his house, I feel you could have described how the town looked and if he felt any nostalgia or something.

    But I do believe you'll progress and do well, and congratulations on a great try. Can't wait to see more =)
  4. Flame Mistress

    Flame Mistress Well-Known Member

    Thanks for being my first reviewer! About the Cilan and Iris part, I kinda failed to imply that they thought Ash's best friend was a boy instead, and when they heard Ash say that he loved her, they didn't catch the her bit and only took in the love bit... Which they unfortunately understood as Ash being gay... Lol. But it failed, didn't it? Lol...

    Also... @AquaRegisteel (Someone please tell me how to multiquote D=) Yeah, I do think that more description would be needed now... But being the lazygal I am, I can't be bothered to edit my story =P Thanks!
  5. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie 桜咲くこの坂を今も上っている

    See, word structures save lives, much like how punctuation saves lives. It doesn't hurt to read the story out-loud so you can hear if it sounds off or not.

    So yeah, it failed XD. Even if you went back and re-worded it up to that part, it would have seemed out-of-place anyway. So it's best to leave it out altogether.

    You know that "quote" button? The button right next to it. When it becomes red, when you click "new post", it instantly quotes the post, so you can have multiple quotes that way. I learned it just this year XD.

    Well that's no good! You have to edit things, or else you're not going to learn quickly enough. It's going to haunt your subconscious for years to come if you don't xD.
  6. Flame Mistress

    Flame Mistress Well-Known Member

    Okay, thanks!

    ...And the reason why I can't be bothered to edit is because on my iPhone, it's really annoying to scroll up and down, then the text size changes...

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