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Revenant

SilentMemento

Lone Wolf
Credit: This fic is dedicated to Breezy. Without her advice on how to make the fic realistic, this idea would have probably been left to rot in the recesses of my mind.

Warning: This fic is in the Horror genre, although it’s not the blood-and-guts type of “horror” that you normally see in films like Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, etc. This type of horror is psychological, so anyone who is expecting to see anything beyond the typical violence that’s normally in a PG-15 fic is going to be disappointed. However, this fic does have the potential to really scare people, so stay away if the Horror genre isn’t your cup of tea. Also, this fic has semi-frequent language in it. Just letting you know beforehand.

Disclaimer: I don’t work for Nintendo or any of its affiliates. I don’t own any of the creatures that were created for the series. I don’t own anything in the Pokemon franchise. I don’t have anything to do with Dead Space (which gave me the idea for the setting of an abandoned and decaying spaceship) or the Twilight Zone (which gave me the idea for the theme). However, the characters that will be seen are solely mine. The plot itself is my idea.

Summary: The timeline is 200 years after the present day. The Pokemon League Armed Forces (PLAF) crushed the United Anarchy (UA), a terrorist cell and the only opposition, twenty years ago. As a result, it turned itself into a totalitarian government. Overpopulation has become a problem for both humans and Pokemon alike, and the PLAF has decided to use colony ships in space as a result.

Children are now chosen for jobs at the age of ten and are given two Pokemon who will be their companions for the rest of their life. The space business has a need for military space engineers (MSEs), people who are sent to spaceships that send out distress signals in order to fix whatever is wrong. At the age of nineteen, the kids are given a job that they have to do on their own with no help from anyone except their Pokemon.

Claude Pokulok, a nineteen-year-old MSE, is going through his own trial-by-fire. The job is to respond to a distress signal coming from the S.S. Revenant. However, whatever caused the distress signal is now trying to send three more unfortunates into the everlasting and agonizing embrace of complete insanity…

And now, without further babbling, let the chapter commence:


Chapter One

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Space is supposedly the final frontier. Darkness reigns supreme from its skeletal throne, a throne decorated with the bones of foolhardy travelers and tireless workers who make their living in the vastness of the galaxies.

Many dangers lurk in space. There are the devastating supernovas, which incinerate ships that are unfortunate enough to venture into their vicinity. There are wormholes that rapidly age others, since time travel by the means of anything other than legendary Pokemon has always been (and will always be) nothing more than a desperate wish. There are meteors that have annihilated ships and sent the broken corpses of their crews into the abyss. There are even rare Pokemon that reside in the depths of space that are rarely seen and never recorded. Not all of them are friendly.

Still and all, that didn’t deter humanity from their desire to conquer the final frontier. One such example was a small white ship that passed through the Milky Way. It was shaped like that of a Sharpedo, and the streamlined shape allowed it to easily move at the speed of sound. The speed of light, at the moment, was still impossible, but the speed of sound wasn’t that bad of a consolation prize. That was still pretty damn fast.

The ship was headed towards was the S.S. Revenant, a Grade-A colony ship that was large enough to house over ten-thousand people and twenty-thousand Pokemon comfortably. However, this was not a simple rendezvous where the ship would bring supplies over to the colony ship. The Revenant had sent out a distress signal over three days ago, and this ship was here to find out what went wrong.

As his spacecraft passed through the blackness, MSE Second Class Claude Pokulok felt the vice of apprehension tighten on his heart. He took several deep breaths to calm himself down, feeling the air rush out of his nose. He ran a hand through his cropped light-brown hair, and his worried icy-blue eyes looked at the radar and sonar. The S.S. Revenant was still at least ten light-years away and there were no incoming objects of any kind.

Good. I was getting hungry.

Setting the ship on autopilot, Pokulok got out of his seat, while stretching out his 6’5”, 220 lbs. frame. It was not an easy task to do so in his skintight dark-green military uniform. He rummaged through a nearby rucksack, where he found a chocolate bar. The military space engineer let a small smirk cross his face, as he tore off the wrapper. When it came to keeping a person awake for a long trip, there was nothing like the creature comfort of chocolate. He took a deep bite into the sweet, eating half of it in one go.

(I hope you’re saving some for us, Claude,) a small voice said sadly.

He turned to see the faint image of a gray metallic bird with yellow eyes look at the candy longingly. It began to preen its red feathers in a shy manner.

(You know that we need to eat too,) a bold voice confidently stated.

The image of a white cat-like creature with a black, sickle-shaped horn on its head appeared right next to the bird. Its scythe-like tail lashed anxiously from side to side, and its black claws sheathed and unsheathed with anticipation.

Pokulok smiled softly. He knew that the steel bird was a Skarmory and that the cat-like creature was an Absol. He had to know that; after all, they were his lifelong companions, and they had helped him out more times than he could count.

Their names were Faitios and Deifir. He had read a dictionary of Irish Gaelic when he had received the two Pokemon at the age of ten. He didn’t realize it back then, but those two names had a ton of meaning for his Pokemon. Faitios and Deifir meant “fear” and “haste” respectively. He gave them those names, not just because of they had those traits in their personalities, but because those traits were flaws to be conquered.

“Alright,” the MSE sighed. “You can have some chocolate. Just don’t get all hyperactive and stuff, okay?”

He touched the part of his neck that wore a collar that was permanently attached to his skin and muscles. The collar was a high-tech piece of equipment that literally allowed his Pokemon to be stored within his brain and nervous system, so that they could be ready at a moment’s notice. It also prevented them from being stolen by potential criminals who could easily take Pokeballs away from normal trainers. The only reason why normal trainers didn’t get this astounding technology was because implanting the damn thing was the most agonizing pain most military personnel would ever feel in their lives. Normal trainers would probably go into shock and most likely die if they were implanted with one of the collars.

When two fingers were squarely placed on the collar, he drew them off and pointed them at a cleared space on the ship. The two images from before appeared where he pointed and began to solidify into tangible Pokemon.

(Good,) Faitios said, while stretching out his wings to their full width. (I was getting bored.)

(You were bored?) Deifir muttered, rolling his red eyes in annoyance. (I’m calling Tauros-crap on what you just said; you’re too freaking happy to be bored.)

(You think I’m happy being cooped up with nowhere to fly?) the Skarmory retorted.

“Are you going to eat or not?” Pokulok said testily. “The chocolate’s in that rucksack.” He pointed to the bag where he had gotten the treat from. “Now don’t pig out and make yourselves sick. I don’t own this ship, and I don’t want to have to pay for damages with the wages I’m making from this job because you decided to puke on government property.”

(What?) the Absol said in disbelief. (Do I look like a common Poochyena mutt to you?)

(No, I think that you look like a common Bidoof to him,) Faitios said cheekily.

The white-furred mammal made a sudden movement towards the steel bird, who noticeably flinched.

(Not in the face!) the Skarmory screeched, covering his beak with his wings.

(You’re a giant metal bird,) Deifir muttered. (How the hell do you think I’m going to hurt you? You’re getting two for flinching when I get the chan-)

“Both of you cut the chatter!” Pokulok snapped.

The two Pokemon looked at each other in embarrassment; they had forgotten about the translation aids that the human had in his ears. Translation aids were another one of the many inventions that the military had come up with. They were used to understand exactly what Pokemon were saying. Of course, there were some flaws with the design. Some words that were conceived by Pokemon were unintelligible to human ears, no matter what technology they had. It also couldn’t alter the language that the person spoke; it just converted the language that others spoke into the listener’s normal language.

“You guys have to be two of the most annoying creatures in the universe,” the young MSE muttered.

(We love you too,) the Absol said sweetly.

“Whatever,” the human teen muttered, waving his hand in a dismissive manner.

(Your face is whatever,) Faitios said cheekily.

Deifir looked up at the roof of the spacecraft as though it was heaven itself. (How do we get anything done around here?) he asked.

“Hey, I’m serious all the time!” Pokulok snapped. “It’s the two of you that act like immature children.” Without any warning, he winced in pain, clutching at his stomach.

Faitios’ eyes clouded with darkness. (It’s your scar, isn’t it, Claude?) he said quietly.

The nineteen-year-old nodded dumbly. He managed to take off the part of his uniform that served as a shirt, revealing his bare torso, which was packed with lean muscle. A hideous knife wound wove its way around a large portion of his belly. He knew that this permanent pain was a fair trade for his life. If the wound had occurred in his chest area, his current location would be in a small urn instead of a military spacecraft.

“I need to put on my AMG anyway,” he muttered. “I don’t know if there are any vacuums or not in the Revenant. Besides, it’s more comfortable than this stupid uniform.”

Deifir frowned. AMG stood for “Armored Military Gear”. It was a popular choice for many MSEs, due to its obscene durability (most types of bullets had trouble penetrating its thick armor), its power (it practically doubled the strength of the user), and its underrated dexterity. Unfortunately, the mobility in that suit was horrible. A human toddler could have probably moved faster than that thing, and it literally weighed five-hundred pounds. The Absol sighed. At least he and Faitios wore lighter armor.

“You two stay here and check for meteors,” the human said. “I’m going to put on the AMG. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes or so.”

With those words, he strode towards the back of the ship, which contained the armory. The spacesuit was contained in a large cylindrical tube. He quickly exchanged his uncomfortable uniform for a casual black T-shirt, digital camouflage pants, and magnetic boots that prevented breaches in a ship’s hull from sucking one out into space.

He sighed as he took a quick glance at the suit. It was absolutely huge, bulky, and it was designed to fit him. Right now, it was closed, but there was a small button on the chest that allowed the suit to split open for Pokulok to get in. The color was a drab gray, but the young MSE had never been one who had cared about appearances. The suit was made almost entirely out of titanium, which was reputed to be the most durable substance in the galaxies.

The helmet was shaped like that of a deep-sea diver’s, except with a protruding shape where the face should have been, much like a gasmask. The arms were the thinnest part of the suit, providing only six inches of armor. The design provided extra dexterity at the cost of some protection. The arms tapered off into slender leather gloves that were lined with just ten centimeters of steel on the outside. They were only a little bigger than his normal hands. It had to be that way, since holding firearms and fixing machinery would have been impossible with larger gloves. The torso was shaped like that of a barrel, and it was easily the most durable part of the AMG with twelve inches of armor plating covering the entire thing. The suit finally ended with legs that had ten inches of armor and a bigger pair of magnetic boots that were needed to support all the weight.

Pokulok pressed the button and waited for the spacesuit to open. Giant cracks began to appear as the whole AMG split in half, much like an egg. The teenager stepped into the suit and was immediately locked into it by a vice-like mechanism. He breathed slowly as the armor enclosed him from head to toe. The oxygen tank immediately kicked in, and he opened his eyes to see the world in a crystal clear light-green, the customary color of night vision. He awkwardly stepped out of the chamber and grabbed a large Gatling gun. Normally, it would have been impossible for one man alone to wield such a weapon, but the AMG made it seem as easy as holding a stick.

The MSE made sure to grab a pistol, extra ammunition, and an atmosphere mask, which was a device that created an oxygen/nitrogen mixture to breathe, just in case the user was caught in a vacuum without an AMG. The armor wasn’t invincible; if it took enough damage, the user would be forcibly ejected from it, no matter where they were. Therefore, a weapon and a way to breathe in vacuums were both necessary. After storing the pistol and atmosphere mask in a small compartment inside the spacesuit, he slowly meandered to the front of the small ship. His two Pokemon were waiting expectantly for him.

(You’re late,) Deifir said nonchalantly.

“Yeah, well you try getting into something that weighs five-hundred pounds,” Pokulok retorted.

(You said it would take fifteen minutes,) the Absol stated bluntly. (You took at least a half hour. What if an asteroid had struck?)

“Oh, be quiet,” the adolescent muttered. “You sound like my freaking mother…”

(How do we get things done around here again?) Faitios asked in a mocking tone that was directed towards Deifir.

(I have a bit of advice for you,) the cat-like creature growled. (Want to know what it is?)

(Try me,) the Skarmory said dryly.

(Shut your beak!) Deifir snapped. (That’s all the advice I need to give you.)

(That’s it?) the metallic bird queried. (No positive reinforcement or constructive criticism?)

“Why can’t both of you just get along?” Pokulok mused, knowing that what he said was going to be ignored. He paused as a large figure came into view. All three of them simply stared at the gigantic colony ship that was the Revenant.

“Ship’s here,” the MSE said in a bored tone. “Let’s get to work.”

Author’s Note: Here are the pronunciations of the names, so that people aren’t confused about how to say the names of the main characters.

Pokulok = Poe-ku-luk. (Luk is pronounced as “luck”).

Faitios = Fah-teez. (Fah sounds like the first syllable in “father”).

Deifir = Def-er. (The name as a whole sounds like “deafer” in the English language).

I hope that the pronunciations help, and I hope that you’re enjoying this fic.
 

Llama_Guy

Awesomely awesome
Very interesting fic; and I hope it will be as creep as you've promised ;P

There's not a lot I feel like saying, but you did have some technical details which I kinda reacted to:

The S.S. Revenant was still at least ten light-years away

The speed of light, at the moment, was still impossible, but the speed of sound wasn’t that bad of a consolation prize

Okay, first of all. Ten light years away? I mean, pinpointing something that far away is kind of very hard, even with futuristic technology. And a istress signal would take at least ten years to reach his current position. I have no idea how far he was from wherever the signal was received, but it's still too damn far. Of course, unless they have some kind of above-light speed technology in your fic. But judging from the second of the above quotes, I'd say they don't. Which makes it strange. And brings me to my next point.

The speed of sound? Seriously? As early as 1947 the first plane travelled at the speed of sound. That was a decade prior to the first ever launch of a space'craft' (the satellite Sputnik I), in 1957. Furthermore, the escape velocity from the upper atmosphere of Earth is about 10.9 kilometres per second (or 10900 meters per second), meaning that any space object will have to travel at that speed to even get off the planet. That equals Mach 32 (32 times the speed of sound), and is about the speed a modern-day space shuttle reaches.

And even if, say, they moved at the speed of sound, to travel ten light years would take something akin to 77 billion hours (or 3.2 billion days, or 8 million years). Which means he and a few hundred thousand generations of humans would have since long been gone from this world.

But aside the technical detail, interesting first chapter ;-)
 

Evanarios

...yep
I don't has much to say, but I do enjoy the horror genre. And to see it combined with Pokemon should be quite a treat. By the looks of things you has teh skills, so yeah.

Good ay!

~Evanarios
 

Zee

Supine Surrealist
Well, that was kind of... immature for something supposedly setting up for the horror genre. I've got a few thoughts too, and they mostly come from the elements of the technology present in the story.

To put it in perspective, a space probe launched in 1977 is currently moving at 38,000 miles per hour away from the solar system, right now. The nearest star system in it's course is about 17 light years away. It will take more than forty thousand years to reach it. It is currently travelling five times the speed of sound on Earth at sea level, and will take longer than eight times recorded human history to pass within two light years of another star.

And on a much less technical note, but more of a problematic one:

The whole poke-collar. He has it so that his pokemon cannot be stolen. Fair enough. But since it's directly connected to his brain (why on earth would they do that anyways?) what's stopping a hacker from just causing him to go into a seizure from memory corruption?
 

Psychic

Really and truly
Well, this is certainly something different! You definitely have some interesting concepts going here, with the opportunity for a lot of creativity which I think you are already doing a nice job of showing. It’s a shame that you need to explain the entire situation in the author’s notes rather than in the narrative itself, but it’s still some good background to include and would probably be a challenge to incorporate into the text anyway. You have a pretty good writing style, though sometimes a little too wordy, and you have a nice flair for fun, light-hearted dialogue (which does make me wonder why you chose this genre). I think you have the ability to give some pretty nice descriptions, though you seem to be focusing on some of the wrong details at the moment. It is, however, interesting to see the world you’ve built up on your own, and I look forward to seeing more of how you portray this sub-space world and its technologies.

With that said, however, I do see some flaws from the beginning, which are easily fixable this early on and are small things you should be able to learn from and use to improve the rest of your fic. :)


I will have to say I agree with your other reviewers about the technological aspects. The speed at which the ship travels and time it takes to get to the S.S. Reverence doesn’t really make any sense, and a lot of the details about the suit seem both unrealistic and a bit redundant. Like 10 centimetre-thick gloves would allow for little to no finger movement. Honestly, unless you do a lot of research, you can literally just avoid giving details that have a 50/50 percent chance of making sense. We don’t need to know the specifics anyway.

As mentioned, the idea of a collar also seems a little pointless. Is Pokemon theft really such a huge problem that Pokemon need to be stored in the brain? That seems like a silly reason to go through this entire procedure, unless the collar has other creepy uses for the military/government. The technology to point to where they’ll emerge also seems a bit much, and it’s strange that the collar can do that, yet a whole other device is required for language translation. Instead of all this, why can’t they just be stored within the collar itself, or better yet, in a piece of technology that won’t impede his head-movements, like a bracelet or even a chip inserted into his arm or hand (which would better allow for the "point-and-release" mechanism)? It’s convenient enough to have a technology that transforms Pokemon into energy for storage, so you can just play around with that instead of all this over-the-top brainwave stuff. Of course I don’t really see how Pokemon are expected to be okay with living in some human’s brain, and then completely forget that their owner can understand them even though they’ve a) been together for nine years and b) were just whining to him about the chocolate moments earlier. You may want to revisit that.


Regarding your description, while you’re not bad at it, it seems to be a lot of giving the wrong amount of detail at the wrong time. For instance, we know almost nothing about the interior of the spacecraft, but you went on for a full paragraph about specific details of the AMG. And, to be frank, they’re details that your reader isn’t necessarily going to care about or remember, like his exact height and weight; they’re just numbers, not things that your reader will be able to imagine, remember, or care about. The entire point of that descriptive paragraph was essentially to say that the AMG was large, bulky and annoying, right? Well, instead of going on about the ten-inch-thick torso, you can try using metaphors to give an approximation of the suit’s girth and such, focusing on how big and cumbersome it is, as well on how claustrophobic it may make Pokuluk feel.

Keep in mind that you are trying to write in the horror genre, not sci-fi, and horror tends to rely a lot more on feeling and emotion, on creating a sense of creepiness and fear. Sci-fi may be more interested in all the scientific details of the ship’s speed and how protective your giant mecha suit is, but it doesn’t do anything in horror. I honestly did not feel like I was reading a horror story – this is your first chapter, the part of your story that is supposed to hook your reader, give them a taste of what is to come. You’re supposed to set the pace for your story here and at least give the impression that this situation is creepy, even if only in a slight way, and more creepiness is to come. Take a look at horror movies – there usually is some underlying sense of creepiness in them from the start, even if it’s only a little bit, just to give the viewer the impression that something is wrong here, but you don’t know quite what it is just yet.

This is something you want to carry over into your descriptions. So don’t just talk about how space is big, the engineering of the spaceship or the technology of the suit. Mention how space is quiet and empty and full of strangeness, how the spaceship feels like the only thing out there, unprotected and barely in contact with Earth, how the space suit is so big and slow that even with layers and layers of armour, you still feel vulnerable and exposed, like the suit itself is pressing in on you and there always just this inexplicable feeling of needing to get out of it. Those are the details you want to focus on, not how thin the suit’s arms are.


Your grammar and punctuation were fine, though there were some instances where your language was a little awkward. There are just a few minor mistakes I’d like to point out there, nothing big, but simple things that can just make your sentences flow better.

It was shaped like that of a Sharpedo, and the streamlined shape allowed it to easily move at the speed of sound.
Here it should either be “it was shaped like a Sharpedo” or “its shape was like that of a Sharpedo.” When you say “like that of” you need to say just what quality was “like that of a ____.”
Then I would recommend removing the “and” and just saying, also to avoid the repetition of “shape,” “allowing easy travel at the speed of sound.” But as I mentioned, I would still suggest removing this part entirely just so you don’t set yourself up with faulty science.


but the speed of sound wasn’t that bad of a consolation prize
To avoid repetition, you might just say “breaking the sound barrier wasn’t a terrible consolation prize.” You don’t necessarily need the “still damn fast” sentence since you really got the point across already, but once again, this entire section can really just be removed.


The ship was headed towards was the S.S. Revenant,
Don’t quite know how that “was” slipped in there – you can just take it out.


and his worried icy-blue eyes looked at the radar and sonar.
You may want a stronger word than “looked,” especially considering how worried he seems to be, so something like “focused intently on” or “ran over,” and you may want to say “radar and sonar gauges” or “screens,” though I’m sure the control panel (assuming that’s what he’s looking at – no description of it is really provided) would have many more monitors than just those.


The military space engineer let a small smirk cross his face, as he tore off the wrapper.
You can just say the “engineer smirked” and remove the comma before “as.” It’s hard to believe everything he needs is kept in one measly rucksack, especially for such a long journey. He would have to be provided with enough food to last him however many weeks, and he probably wouldn’t be expected to remain awake the whole time, either.


Pokulok smiled softly. He knew that the steel bird was a Skarmory and that the cat-like creature was an Absol. He had to know that; after all, they were his lifelong companions, and they had helped him out more times than he could count.
That seems like a very strange thing for him to be thinking about. He sees his Pokemon lusting after his food, and his first thought is “oh, that’s a Skarmory and Absol.” The reader should have been able to deduce their species by now anyway. Be careful of what writers call info-dumping, that is loading a ton of information onto a reader in a way that doesn’t flow with the narrative, so that the story essentially stops, throws information at the reader, then continues. You sort of continue doing this in the next paragraph when you describe the origins of their names, things which, once again, the reader doesn’t necessarily need to know at that point and may not even remember.


With those words, he strode towards the back of the ship, which contained the armory.
You may just want to say “where the armory was located” instead.


The color was a drab gray, but the young MSE had never been one who had cared about appearances.
It’s sort of strange to mention the colour of the suit and then go on about how he doesn’t care about that stuff. It’s unlikely that any MSE would actually care about the colour in the first place – it’s a utilitarian suit meant for utilitarian purposes, that’s fairly obvious. You can probably throw in the suit's colour at another point anyway.


(You said it would take fifteen minutes,) the Absol stated bluntly. (You took at least a half hour. What if an asteroid had struck?)
1) There is no indication beyond Faitios’ words that this process took anywhere near half an hour. All you did was describe the suit, him getting into it, grabbing weapons and walking back. It sounded like it took all of five minutes. If you want to indicate that something took a long time, don’t tell us it did – show us through the description. Emphasize as Pokuluk is suiting up how slow and arduous it is stepping in, getting his limbs into the arms and legs, the suit slowly closing in on him. Describe his impatience as he waits in the darkness for the vision to activate (even though the craft is lit, so night-vision is a bit useless...). Show us how he has to wait for the suit to respond to just his arm moving, the slowness as he reaches for a weapon and puts it away, and then how long it takes him just to lift his feet, one by one, so he can walk what now feels like a very long journey back to the bridge in this slow-moving suit.

2) This is a minor thing, but why are the Pokemon being told to look out for asteroids, especially if the ship is on auto-pilot? When does he do when he needs to sleep or use the washroom or whatever, when his Pokemon are hanging out in his brain and he can’t keep watch 24/7 (and couldn’t steer even if they had to)? Considering how advanced the technology is, you’d think the autopilot would be able to detect incoming asteroids and other space-junk and steer clear of it on its own.



Aside from the small mistakes in language and logical inconsistencies, though, I do think you’re off to a nice start. I won’t shy away from saying that I think you have some editing to do, especially if you want to really make this looks like it belong in the horror genre. As I mentioned, don’t focus on the technological stuff, especially if you’re unsure about the science behind it; it’s not stuff we need to know, and we would much prefer it if you focused on the feelings behind everything. Keep in mind that you want to make your readers feel uncomfortable and put them on their toes! You created the perfect setting for this to begin with, so you really just need to build on it.

I would personally love to see you continue working on this, because there seems to be a lot of potential in here. Breezy was definitely right in encouraging you to write this, and I hope you don’t give up just because of a few easily-fixable flaws.

Keep writing, and good luck!

~Psychic
 
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