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Rise of the poke-body

ex-ty

Swift and deadly
Forgot what the section before the actual story began but this is it. I'm not that good to tell you at making fics so please don't critisise to harshly. Caution there is alot of mentions of blood.
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Inside the lab several scientists were working on a new project. Their white coats hung down almost touching the floor. Their objective was to create a new pokemon known as a poke-body. These were pokemon without souls and could have other pokemon souls put inside the body to give it new life. These could only be made but at serious risks. A small mistake and the project could fail. So far everything was working just as it was planned.

“Doctor we’ve completed the first body. Designed to be a hollow body of the legendary pokemon Mewtwo.” One of the scientists said turning round to speak to another. The one spoken to walked over to a large container. Inside was a Mewtwo shaped body but the tail had spikes on the end and larger spikes coming out of the arms. The head was a strange shape and the hands had three bulbous fingers. The tail was a deep purple and so was a small part of his chest. It would stand on what seems its toes and has a ball on the back of both its legs.

“You’ve done good work. Insert the fossilised pokemon and transfer the DNA into this poke-body.”

“Yes sir.” On the computer several wires came out an attached themselves to the top of the tube. Inside a purple fog passed through straight down into the tube. The fog circled the hollow body then seemed to be absorbed by the body. It began to move with new life. Its powers coming back. It swung its tail and smashed the tube into millions of pieces. He then escaped extremely fast bursting through the wall. “What do we do now?”

“We must tell the boss.” The lead scientist said running off out of the lift doors.

Outside the newly risen pokemon was searching around for something. Looking up he saw a Fearow. He jumped up and grabbed onto the large bird. With the spiked tail he struck it on the head and the blood that poured out of the bird was absorbed by the tail. It jumped off the Fearow. Wings sprouted from the arms giving him flight. It flew straight to the west.

The mountain region held a few trainers all with their pokemon. The poke-body landed. Several trainers saw it and tried to capture it. Firstly a Sandshrew was sent out. It looked like a shrew but was a sandy yellow colour and had a brick effect. “Sandshrew use your scratch attack.” The yellow shrew lunges forwards. Poke-body swung its tail again scratching the chest area. Blood began pouring out like the Fearow. The tail spikes again absorbed the blood. The poke-body was left with a brick effect all over him self. The Sandshrew was withdrawn and another trainer tried. This one sent out a Persian.

“Persian lets get this pokemon. Faint attack.” The Persian lunged forwards but disappeared so he couldn’t be seen. He hit the poke-body on its arms causing it to scratch itself on the arm spikes. More blood absorbed. The gem on the Persian’s head appeared on the poke-body’s head. The large beach coloured cat was recalled. Another trainer stepped forwards.

“We’ll get this one. Get ‘em Blaziken.” This trainer sent out a large what looked like a wingless bird. It looked like it had strong muscles. Fire burst out the wrists. “Finish it quick with fire punch.” The fire type ran forwards extremely fast and shot a punch at the poke-body. It used its spikes to slash the Blaziken repeatedly. Blood was all over the body. It was close to death. The poke-body stopped the attack and absorbed the blood. Its wrist grew the fire and its muscles bulged out. It was becoming a threat.
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Well there it is. As i said at the start i'm not that good.
 
Last edited:

Demy

Well-Known Member
That was not bad for the first chapter
maby a little more discription, more spacing as well.
I like the origanlty of the story.

I give 3.5/5.

Demy
(I make spelling misakes sorry)
 

ex-ty

Swift and deadly
That was the prolouge (sp?) This is the actual first chapter. I think this isn't as good as the prolouge whoever but oh well i'll give it a try.
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Deep in a jungle city known as Jidark forest, a young boy was out with his pokemon. His name was Raizuma but he preferred to be called Rai. He always wore a grey T-shirt with the sleeves ripped off as well as a pair of jeans with a green tint down the front of the legs. Through out the jungle city he was known as ‘the tamer’ as all his pokemon were animal related. The fact he only had three had nothing to do with it. He was currently training his cat ferret pokemon known as a Zangoose. By his side stood a light beach coloured cat with a charm on its head and a brown end on the tail known as a Meowth and a black dog with small silver coloured armour known as a Houndour. He’d been with these since he was only seven and he was now thirteen. He was living with a friend for the moment as his father had become psychotic and started several fights and his mother was in a mental hospital. Because of this he didn’t make friends easily. He’d only had the two or three who understood he’s different than his parents. His PDA began ringing. He’d received a message.
Rai.
You need to come back now. There’s something going on, on T.V you must see.
Jenna

It read. Jenna had been his friend since before he got his pokemon. She’d got her pokemon the same day. Where as Rai took a Houndour she had taken a Swablu. The beginning trainers were given pokemon that were always animal related. Rai ran back as fast as his legs could take him.

Jenna’s house was like any of the others in that area. White walls outside with a red roof, shutters on windows. Inside however were different, cream walls with several photographs of a young girl and boy kissing each other. These were Jenna’s parents. The stairs led up to a single room which belonged to Jenna. He, however, being a boy had to sleep on a pull out sofa bed in the living room. As he entered Jenna was right in his face as she always does. “Hi Jenna.”

“Damn. It used to work.” She said sulking in her failed attempt to scare him.

“Try going back in time to when I first started living here.”

“Good point. But anyway there’s been some strange news just look.” She dragged Rai to the T.V. and the reporter showed a strange being with a red gem on its head, wings that resembled a Fearow’s coming out of its arms and the strange body resemblance to the now extinct Mewtwo.

“…this being is known by the name Poke-body after some trainers pokemon were brutally injured by this new pokemon. It seems it damages the pokemon then absorbs the blood and gains some features of the defeated pokemon. Scientists have declared that it was created to…” The power went off as Jenna’s mum turned the T.V. off.

“Come dinners ready.” The to walked into the kitchen with Jenna’s mum behind them.

The kitchen was pretty small and had white tiles coating almost all the walls. Jenna’s dad was also sat at the table. Both sitting down, they were all served their dinner. After a few minutes the power suddenly went off. Outside the shadow of the poke-body stood tall. Ready for a fight.
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So what does everyone think.
[SPOIL]It's rubbish i know.[/SPOIL]
 

Breezy

Well-Known Member
...you know, if it is supposed "rubbish" then why do you bother posting it? =X No one is going to judge your fic any differently by what you say about your fic. I'll say what I want. If you didn't say it was rubbish, however, you could of not of had this lecture typed to you. But you said it. And you lose.

:D

Mmmkay, let's start with your tone, sentence structure, style, etc, since that stuck out to me like a sore thumb. You have a montonous, repatative sentence structure to your fic which will positively bore your readers. Vary your sentences a bit with different structures. Don't keep it like:

The scientists made the Poke-body. The Poke-body liked fish. The fish lived in the ocean. The ocean is polluted by the oil companies. Whatever shall we do?

And even when you vary your sentences, they still have that short, montonous tone to it. Of course, maybe that's your style, simplicity.

Another thing. You use short, simplistic sentences. Of course, there's nothing wrong with it because they do have more emphasis on certain points and they can intensify the scene more, however, an overusage of it can cause something called sentence fragments. And those aren't very fun. For example...
Outside the shadow of the poke-body stood tall. Ready for a fight.
That sounded . . . gah to me. "Ready for a fight?" Maybe if you reworded it better, you could of kept it simplistic like that, but it just sounds like an incomplete sentence to me.

Outside, the shadow of the poke-body stood tall. He was ready to fight.

Something along those lines. Better than that too. o.-

I did notice a lack of commas. I don't think you used more than ten. And even when you did, they were incorrently used. Like
He, however, being a boy had to sleep on a pull out sofa bed in the living room.
here for instance. You don't really need to have the comma after "however" but you do need one after "boy."

Oh yeah, somewhere in the second chapter, you forgot to add that the poke-body has Blaziken characteristics in the news report.

There were also some minor issues like using "comiing" instead of "came," but I think you get the basic gist of that.

Anyways, I do like where you're going with this. It reminds of another anime though, which I can't remember the name of. I just remember it absorbed things and it got its abilities from it, and yeah. =3 Or maybe I'm just high. It's one of those two.

How exactly can you capture a Pokémon's soul though and use it in another? Wouldn't that Pokémon's soul act the way it did in it's other body. Perhaps I'm just overthinking things though.

I also don't understand why the poke-body needs to absorb other Pokémon's blood to get their power. It's unexplanied really. It is just a thirst for power? Is it like the Mewtwo in the movie?

Mmm well, I guess I gotta see huh? I wonder how Rai and Jenna come into play.

No, I don't think its rubbish. It's pretty decent really. Get some confidence man. :p

LaTeR dAyZ!
 

ex-ty

Swift and deadly
Heres the second chapter
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Inside Rai was searching around for the light switch. He found it and tried to turn it on with no luck. “You’re gonna have to go outside and check the fuse box.” Jenna’s mum said in the dark.

“It’s alright I’ll do it.” Rai said going outside. The night was making the whole street quite dark as well as the fact that all the other houses’ lights were out. The shadow of poke-body began to move towards Rai as he stepped outside. Shocked by the moving shadow Rai turned round to it. Moving his hand slowly he grabbed his Zangoose’s pokeball.

“Young trainer. I feel you have the power to aid me. I ask of you to join me and together make me stronger and then I will join your pokemon team. In return I need more pokemon to defeat and absorb.” Poke-body spoke revealing itself by making its own light. Its body was now no-longer Sandshrew effect or had Fearow wings on its arms.

“You gotta be joking. I heard about you on T.V. and I’m gonna be the one to stop you right here and now.” He revealed the pokeball and threw it into the air. His white cat ferret pokemon appeared out its ball ready to fight. “Zangoose lets battle.”

“A Zangoose? Good choice. For me that is. Anyway let’s get this battle going begin.” Poke-body charged forwards with the arm spikes ready to slash as the white cat ferret.

“Zangoose retaliate with your Crush claw.” The purple claws of Zangoose began to glow and deflected the arm spikes but didn’t block the tail spikes. The tail struck hard and a loud crack was heard from Zangoose’s back. Blood gushed out and dyed the white fur blood red. “Zangoose!” Rai ran over to see if it was alright. Poke-body’s tail moved slowly towards Zangoose but Houndour and Meowth used bite on it.

“Bratty pokemon.” Poke-body charged an attack in both hands to launch at the cat and dog pokemon. Both however we being guarded now by a large green bug. A Scyther. Its sharp blades held up ready for battle. The two attacks were launched but were deflected by the blades.

“Obviously you’ve met my newest pokemon; Scythe. Do what you have to do.” The praying mantis pokemon lunged itself forwards and slashed violently at poke-body who used its arm spikes do defend itself. After several heavy slashes one of the arms blades began to crack as poke-body leapt back.

“You’ve won this round. Soon we shall meet again in a different location. And until then I will be getting stronger.” Poke-body then disappeared into thin air. Zangoose was trying its hardest to get up but was in serious pain. Rai picked the cat ferret up and carried him to the house. He dropped him onto a pile of news papers so blood didn’t get onto the carpet. It was in real pain, so much that it couldn’t even lift its head to see what was going on.

After a few minutes the nearest pokemon centre nurse had arrived. Rai explained everything to her and she took Zangoose to the centre to heal him. As midnight was drawing closer he went to sleep as Jenna her mum and dad went up stairs to their rooms. The night eerily quiet. On a close by mountain the shadowy figure of Poke-body stood firing attacks down towards the ground to uncover something. The object held the DNA to create another Poke-body. His past life was clouded apart from the fact of how much power he was able to handle and must have that power.
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What do people think of this one then
[SPOIL]Hello readers[/SPOIL]
 

crystal-zephyr

i feel his pain
I really like the originallity Ex. Just a shame not many are reviewing. Anyway please the next chapter up soon.
 

ex-ty

Swift and deadly
Next chapter:


The next day was a dull rainy day. Several flying types were all flying in one direction towards a group of mountains. Rai was sat at the window hoping Zangoose would be alright. Jenna had gone out to the market for food for dinner. The T.V began talking about an emergency. “Several pokemon have been making their way into Mount Kinaki. This was the last place the being now known as Poke-body was last seen. Upon that mountain was where a meteorite once crashed down to earth. This has however been retrieved and we fear that is what it is looking for. At last check the being has knocked down several pokemon to absorb their powers. The last case was a Zangoose owned by a trainer named Raizuma who is living in Jidark forest. For now this is all known. We will bring more information when it is found.” At that moment Jenna burst through the door. Instead of clutching just a bag she also had something wrapped up in her coat. She was dripping wet but was protecting something. She opened the bundle to reveal a small bird with what looked like a musical note on its head.

“I think it’s called a Perappu. It’s a newly discovered pokemon too.” Jenna said nursing it in her arms. “It looks like it was attacked by another bird but bigger.”

“Well that rules out that…thing I battled.”

“Speaking of it you should go to the centre and check on it. I’ll come with you, see if she can fix this bird.” Jenna wrapped up the bird again then went to the door to wait for Rai who caught up after he grabbed his coat and another for her. They both rushed out into the rain and down to the pokemon centre at the bottom of the hill.

The centre was a large building with a red dome roof. It had a large PC sign on the front above the door. The automatic doors opened as Rai and Jenna made it to the centre. The nurse was at the desk awaiting any customers. “Hello again you two.” She said with a smile. “Your Zangoose is just fi…” She stopped mid sentence when she saw the bundle that was now making low noises. “What’s that you have there? That better not be one of your pokemon in there.” Jenna removed the bird from the bundle.

“I found it this morning. It was badly hurt so I rushed home to get it out of the rain.” Jenna said worrying the nurse would shout at her.

“Well you did the right thing. I can see that’s your coat it’s bundled in and you look a little wet so you gave up your health for a pokemon? That is the right thing to do for a pokemon this weak. Even though it was a little foolish of you but you saved its life. I’ll take it now to see if it’ll heal quickly.” She was passed the bird and began to walk into the ‘nurse only’ room. She stopped just as she was about to leave. “I’ll send Zangoose back in. Its fine to go home but don’t make it fight. Ok?”

“Fine.” Rai responded. After a few minutes the cat ferret burst through the doors with a bandage around its waist. “How you been buddy?” Rai asked it.

“Zan. Zangoose, Goose.” It replied saying ‘fine. The food not very good though’.

“Well its back to you old food then.” Rai replied as he could understand his pokemon. Both trainers and the white pokemon sat by a bench and waited for the nurse to come back out. Suddenly the lights again went out. Out side stood another being shrouded in darkness. His body dripping wet and his pokeballs around his waist indicated he was a trainer.
 

ex-ty

Swift and deadly
My brains been working on overload so i got the next chapter up quickly. It's my longest and, what i think, my best yet.
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Outside the trainer stood dripping wet. His long black cloak covered most of his body. The cloak had a hood that was over his head to block the view of his face and hair. Not a single part of his body could be seen in the pitch black night. He entered the centre attracting a lot of attention. Every trainer stared at him. A few dim lights came on as some trainers released some pokemon that could give off light such as Charmander, Magby, Magcargo, and some others. The cloaked trainer removed his hood to reveal his long ruby hair and emerald green eyes. He had a serious look on his face and showed himself to be around nineteen. A few trainers sent out a few pokemon in case he was there to steal or cause troubles. He simply sent out a single pokemon; a Roselia. The little pokemon had a red rose on the end of one hand and on the other was a blue rose. Leaves around the chest formed to look like a skirt made from a single leaf. The pokemon could easily be seen as female. “Everyone he’s here to cause trouble I know it so everyone use your pokemon to attack. Get in there Mankey.” A young trainer called releasing a beach coloured monkey pokemon that was a fighting type. A few of the other trainers released other pokemon including a Sudowoodo, a Geodude, an Oddish, a Metapod and a Shuppet. Each one launched an attack at the small grass type.

“Roselia, Grass whistle.” The little grass type began to sing sweetly and lulled the pokemon into a deep sleep. All but the Shuppet was on the floor sleeping. A Night shade attack hit Roselia directly in the face. It fell to the floor writhing in pain.

“Stop this! Houndour stop that ghost with Crunch.” Rai sent out his little dog pokemon that sprinted forwards and bit down hard on the ghost type. It collapsed to the floor. Lying still. Not dead but knocked out. Rai stepped up to the group of trainers. “If you didn’t know, a bad guy wouldn’t just put pokemon to sleep as there’s more chance they’ll wake up than regain consciousness.” He stepped away and went towards the black cloaked trainer who was huddled over his Roselia. “You ok?”

“Yes, thank you young trainer.” He stood up holding Roselia in his arms. “You show great potential in becoming a champion.”

“Thanks but I’m not ever going to enter any pokemon league. I don’t believe in becoming popular as I think it’ll bring to much T.V. people trying to interview me and loads of trainers will want to battle me.”

“Good point. I used to be a great trainer. Me and Roselia defeated everyone in this town a few years ago. Have you ever heard of ‘the time trainer’?”

“No. Is that you? Why are you called that?”

“Yes that is me and I’m called that because I once saw a Celebi who took me back in time and forwards. It aloud me to capture past pokemon with future pokeballs. Caught quite a few as well. But Roselia has always been my favourite. I have to go. I came in here because I was passing by and my magnetball hit attracted the fuse box and I came in to apologise. By the way these are for helping me back there.” He tossed two pokeballs, one with a green scar type mark going down the front of one a brown ball and another ball that was pink with a yellow moon style mark on the top of a black ball. The brown ball was occupied but the other was empty. “That brown one’s a blade ball, good for catching pokemon that use blades as weapons, it’s got a Scyther inside, and the black one is an old moon ball and is empty.” Jenna walked in through the door that led to the healing room followed by the nurse. Jenna was holding onto the Perappu in her arms.

“Hello again Rai.” The nurse said. “Perappu will be ready soon but I think Jenna should have it.”

“Yeah I agreed there. I’m after only one more pokemon know and it’s a bird but not that bird.”

“Yes well if you want you can have a pokemon recently orphaned. It’s trainer never came back and that was year ago.”

“What pokemon is it nurse?”

“A Swellow. Powerful flyers as well those pokemon.”

“You mean I can have it?”

“Sure. You night just make it happy again. It’s been sad for a few months now. Never smiles anymore.”

“Poor thing. I’m good with bird pokemon but when I saw it I could tell I’m not ready to train a pokemon as powerful as that.” Jenna told Rai as she’d seen it when she was with the nurse and Perappu. “I’m heading out of town. Rai my parents said we were to travel together on an adventure but that thing will probably attack again and I’ll get in your way so now I’m saying good bye. I hope we meet again in the future.” Jenna walked out leaving Rai shocked.
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From now each chapter will contain parts of what happens to Rai and what happens to Jenna as it adds to the plot.
 
M

medichampion

Guest
Just read all the chapters and i say you're getting better with every chapter. Keep it up as this sounds like it'll turn out pretty good.
 

ex-ty

Swift and deadly
Another new chapter.
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A few days passed since Jenna left and Rai had to stay in the pokemon centre. He’d begun seeing the Swellow and was trying to make it cheer up. Nothing worked. Whilst not trying he was busy training his new Scyther. Neither was working out; Swellow just wouldn’t cheer up and Scyther wouldn’t listen. Even his battling skills had gotten worse since Jenna left. His whole world was going down.

Up on the mountain top Poke-body stood watching Rai trying to get Scyther to listen. It was relaxing when Rai had ordered it to cut some trees. Running through one of the bushes was a pink cat like pokemon. Poke-body had found exactly what it was looking for; a chunk of yellow stone known to most as Amber. Inside was a perfect specimen of DNA. Unknown at the moment but Poke-body knew it was much needed to advance his powers. He watched carefully as Rai recalled his green mantis pokemon and walked back inside. Swellow was stood waiting inside. From there Poke-body could not see anything else. The wings grew back and he flew off towards the nearest pokemon lab just outside the forest area.

Inside the centre Rai was walking over to the finally standing Swellow. “You ok now Swellow?” It just looked back at him. “Ok then.”

“I was talking to it through one of the Chancy and I think it trusts you enough to join you. Plus did you see a Skitty running around when you were outside?” The nurse asked.

“No sorry. Why?”

“Well there’s been a wild one running around and has been bringing other wild pokemon with it. Mostly it’s been a Munchlax. They’re cute but have the stomach of a black hole. Maybe you can try catching the Skitty. It’s a cat and I believe you like to use animal based pokemon. Oh by the way a letter was sent to you by pokemon. An Altaria came with it.”

“An Altaria?” Rai was handed a piece of paper. On it written in a familiar handwriting was Dear Rai,
My new training life is great I’ve already got a few more pokemon. My team’s been increased by only the evolution of Swablu and a snow white Pidgey. I’m currently on an island called Whi Island. All the pokemon here are white except the Whynaut and Wobbofett which are normal. I’ll be here for a while so why not come visit? I’m staying with my uncle for the moment as well. Anyway see you soon.
Jenna.
Having heard from Jenna again made him feel better. He wrote a reply and asked Swellow to deliver it. It agreed only if he came with it. Scyther was his only other flyer so he would have to train it harder. “Well bye then nurse. I’m leaving for a while now.” Rai ran outside with Swellow flying behind him.

Meanwhile in an abandoned laboratory Poke-body was doing some gene splicing. The DNA contained in the amber was a Deoxys DNA among with an Aerodactyl. He was transforming the Deoxys into a poke-body like him. Poke-body was looking into a tube that was beginning to form a body like a Caterpie which will eventually take a true form of Deoxys. Poke-body then stepped into and empty tube. Gas began to pour in. The gas contained the Aerodactyl DNA. Large wings began to grow on his back as the tube began to fill with a green liquid. Soon his new body would be complete.
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Hows this chapter people?
 

ex-ty

Swift and deadly
No other posts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The outside air was refreshing to be outside in. A few weeks had passed since Rai left Jidark forest. Scyther had begun to start listening to Rai and Swellow was happy with its new trainer. Meowth and Houndour were stronger then ever and Rai had won in a few major battles. The region, that Rai never learnt because he always skipped school, had a few gyms only they were given amulets instead of badges. Gem stone amulets. The grass gym, water gym and psychic gym had one of there amulets taken. An emerald, a sapphire and a rose quartz. The next gym was in the next town and held the ruby amulet in a fire gym. Rai had all his pokemon out on a break. A port was close-by to take him to Whi Island where Jenna was. The last he heard of her she said to come as soon as possible. What this meant he had no idea except to get there soon.

He and his pokemon were all eating lunch in a field near the port. A girl wearing a light blue sleeveless top and a denim mini skirt approached. “You kid.” She yelled pointing a finger at him. “I want a battle with the boy named Raizuma. You see I battled in the gym after he did. You know where he is. Me and my Meowth want a battle.” A cat much like Rai’s stepped next to her.

“Yeah that’s me. And to make this interesting I’ll use my Meowth.” Rai’s cat stepped next to him and began eyeing the girls Meowth. Instantly it went head over heels for it. In the bushed nearby a pink cat began to pop its head out of the bush to watch the fight. “Lets go Meowth. Get in there with a slash attack.” It just stood there still falling for the girls Meowth.

“My names Marissa by the way. Meowth attack with an assist attack.” The girl Meowth jumped into the air and it’s left paw began to glow. A rock flew out of the paw and smashed Rai’s Meowth in the face. Huge clouds of dust was created but instead of a Meowth a larger cat without an amulet on its head a cat with a gem on its head and stood on four legs was in its place. Rai’s Meowth had evolved into a Persian. This time it wasn’t in love with the female Meowth. This time it threw a Thunder bolt at it. The Meowth fell to the ground instantly. “You won’t win go Mightyena.” Marissa withdrew her cat and sent out a large wolf like black dog. It’s snarled angrily.

“Great return Persian.” Rai’s cat ran back over to Rai’s over pokemon. He turned round to look at Houndour. “You’re up Cerebrus.” All his pokemon looked confused. “It’s a nickname. Just get in there and use a Flamethrower.” The small dog jumped into place and a stream of fire shot from it’s mouth. The Mightyena easily jumped out of the way. “C***!”

“Fight back with mimic.” The larger dog used the exact same move on Houndour. When the flames had moved the small dog was on the ground. Knocked out like Marissa’s Meowth was. Rai moved in and picked up the dog. “Next round. Is Steelix.” The dog moved away and a large steel/rock snake took it’s place.

“Then I’ll use my best. Zephyr, get in there.” Swellow instantly knew Rai meant him and flew into position. “It’s a steel and ground type so be careful.”

“This match will be easy. Steelix squish that bird with rock throw.” The steel snake threw up a rock that hurtled towards Rai’s bird.

“Ready? Fly up now.” Just the right moment before the rock hit Swellow flew up into the air dodging the rock.

“Quickly get it with Brick break!”

“Swellow use Counter.” The steel snake hurtled it’s entire body towards Swellow who began to glow a red colour. The attack hit causing it to be thrown back at Steelix. The large steel snake fell to the ground. “A fighting type attack doesn’t do much damage to flying types but it does to steel types. You’re a good trainer but you have a lot to learn.”

“This isn’t over. Seviper.” She switched the steel snake for a smaller one only not made of steel and with larger fangs. Zangoose’s eyes turned a blood red as it turned round to glare at the snake. It pushed forwards to fight. “What’s wrong Zangoose?” He then remembered something he was told about Zangoose and Seviper being mortal enemies. “Then you’ll be my fighter.” Both the cat ferret and the snake stared each over down. Ready to fight like there ancestors did millions of years ago.
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Hope someone replies to this post :( it's very lonely in this thread.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Wow its been ages since i posted anywhere on these forums. But i have returned and am going to continue with this fic :D. Hope its not against the rules seen as this would have dropped down quiet a few pages

Well maybe you should read the rules as bumping is against the rules as your post is basically worhtless spam. So what you've come back after a long hiatus, and bumped your fic with no chapter.

And what an eye sore the first ones are :/ very short, rushed and rule breaking. And aside from your chapters being short, your characters it seems are shallow, both humans and pokemon, they don't have any emotional depth, in actions or speaking. Description is poor, and tacky at best.

Overall you should have let this thread just die and gone and tried to make something better. Instead of giving yourself up as a sacrifice to critics :/
 
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