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Rising Shadows

PetuniaBubbles

Devoted Spriter
Welcome to the random and unusual world of my fan-fiction. Here you will explore the mind of my main character, and her crazy and unusual friends. xD well, thats a bit of an overstatement. The title of this Fan-fic is let to be completely decided. I'm still a little indecisive of it. I'm sure something better will come up as I continue onward.

Rated: PG
Mild Language
Slight Violence

Overall not very bad, I don't mention the word 'blood' until Chapter eleven, and I avoid bad language due to the kids who may wander upon this. I guess if you don't like the word 'Damn' then go away. I've used it twice in the same chapter, but no where else.

Note: This whole roleplay may contain pokemon and types of pokemon you've let to encounter. This Fan-fic was born in a roleplay site called Laokia Region. And trust me, our graphic mods looove to make new pokemon. So I will use them occasionally in the story. I will try to add their sprites in the comments/notes part of the chapter in the chapter they appear, unless I choose not to show them. And by types, I mean like Shiny Pokemon. So far there are a total of five types that will be shown. One of them is let to be released in the roleply, due to a certain mod being too lazy to work on it (That would be me.)

Chapter List

Chapter One: Lost
Chapter Two: First Encounter
Chapter Three: Leaving
Chapter Four: Shadows
Chapter Five: Letter
Chapter Six: Mainland
Chapter Seven: Starfall Town
Chapter Eight: Rising Shadows
Chapter Nine: Awakening
Chapter Ten: Azreka Forest
Chapter Eleven: Shadows
Chapter Twelve: Demons


Yes, so far I've typed up a total of Eleven Chapters. I average hmm... One chapter a day so far? I started this on Saturday September Sixth.

Character List

Main/Important Characters


Neko (Nekomata)
Flareon
Short Tempred, Quiet, Sarcastic
She Has a special ability that will be revealed later on

Mist
Mismagius
Crazy, Playful, Carefree
She Has a special ability that will be revealed later on

Talon
Zangoose
Quiet, Serious, keeps to himself
He Has a special ability that will be revealed later on

To be Revealed
Charizard
---
---

Yes, you can submit your own characters via PMing. I've accepted many characters through PM, making a total of seven characters from friends, all from laokia.

Okay, now on to the chapters. I'd like to warn you. If you want to read more, your going to have to post. I will never post two chapters in a row without some one posting inbetween with some critisism or a comment. I know, there are lots of typos. Don't point them out xD I've gotten tons already and I'm too lazy to fix them.

Prolouge

"Neko! Get out of here.... NOW!" A large boulder landed nearby a dragon-like pokemon as it shot flames a massive pokemon. The pokemon, a charizard, quickly tried to avoid the rock, taking a hit to his wing. He grunted with the effort of getting up, quickly countering with a Dragon Rage attack. A Flareon shot out from behind the Charizard sending many oddly colored flames at the enourmous pokemon.

"I'm not leaving you here, not as long as Groudon stands." the Flareon replied keeping a battle stance ready to avoid another hit if necdessary. The fight had seemed to go along smoothly, until another earthquake had started. The groudon reached foward swinging its large claws at the Flareon.

"I told you to get out!" The dragon pokemon repeated in a harsh tone, quickly intercepting the attack, holding off the white claws. Another shake hit the area, causing several more boulders to tumble down landing on both groudon and the floor. Unmoved by the boulders the ground type pokemon quickly pushed the charizard away, aiming another attack at the flareon.

The flaren didn't have a chance to repy as lava started to well around the arena in which they fought. A bright and burning light soon blinded both of the fire type pokemon, followed by an enormous explosion.


Chapter One
Lost



"Over here! Shes over here!"

"Where?"

"Over here!"

"can you help her?"

"What do I look like? a chansey?"

"You can at least TRY to help!"

"fine... help me look for oran berries or something..."

Where am I? The Flareon struggled to get up, her eyes still closed. "Hey, shes awake?" another pokemon hovered over the fire-types face. "Are you alright? Also, whats your name?" A second pokemon dropped a few things at the pokemon's paws.

"Uhh... um... I'm Neko." She replied wincing in pain. "Where the hell am I?" she opened her eyes and glanced around. What is this? A tropical rainforest? If there was anything she hated, it was damp and wet places, could things get any worse? She examined the two pokemon she had heard fussing over her for a few moments. A Mismagius, and a Zangoose. "Shouldn't you two tell me your names?"

The mismagius rolled its eyes before replying to Neko's question. "We find you out here half-dead, and all you want to know is our names?" The ghost pokemon laughed a bit then continued. "I'm Mist, and the grouch over there is Talon." Talon gave a cold stare at Mist before sitting at the base of a tree. "He's not as mean as he looks, he just doesn't want people to know hes nice."

"So, are you going to tell us what happened? or leave us dying of curiousity?" Talon broke his brief moment of silence and gave a short glance at neko before closing his eyes. Neko pondered for a bit, trying to remember what exactly happened, until it hit her.

She couldn't remember a thing...

... well, besides her own name that is. "I'm not exactly sure..." and she thought it couldn't get any worst than being stuck in a really damp and wet place with two insane pokemon, now on top of that, she couldn't remember a thing. She continued to try digging through her mind, though it seemed like she always hit stones. "Are either one of you willing to answer my first question?"

Mist pondered on that for a few seconds, trying to recall what the question was. "You are on the off-coast island of Mystella." Mist stated before lifting the berries that Talon had dropped at Neko's paws with Psychic. Neko's eyes followed the oran berries as they swirled around in the air. One berry fell on her head with a silent thud as Mist accidently dropped it. "Whoops!"

"That doesn't help much does it?" Talon spoke casually. "All we know is that you randomly appeared here on a near-deserted island off the coast of Memoria." Talon got up and stretched. "I suppose you'd like to know more about this area?" He asked giving a short glance at mist, who seemed to miss the look he gave her.

Neko shrugged. "Sure, couldn't hurt to know." She had to admit, she was curious about this island.

"Well, Mystella is one of many small islands in this area. Not too many pokemon live here, but the ones that do are mstly grass, water, or flying types. Mystella is the second largest of the islands, Cazerad is the largest. Across the sea would be the region of Memoria. A lot of things have been happening there from what I heard."

The idea of being stuck on an island didn't appeal very well to Neko. She thought for a moment, the name Cazerad did sound slightly familiar. "Can you tell me more about Cazer... whatever?"

Talon seemed to be getting a bit annoyed, but didn't complain as he began to explain. "Cazerad is about twice the size of Mystella, and is the most mountanous of the islands. The forests around the mountains are very deserted, with little or no pokemon, or so I've heard. Most pokemon who travel there to do some sort of research never return."

"Pleasant." Neko muttered dryly before finally eating the oran berries that Talon had dropped. Mist simply hung in the background humming quietly to herself. For several moments Neko thought quietly to herself.

Talon's eyes skimmed over to soe nearby bushes as he presumed a battle stance. "We have company." He muttered mostly to Mist, who immediatly turned around to face where some rustling had come from. They probably assume I can't fight let.. Neko was slightly irritated from the thought and prepared to fight as well.​


Notes/Comments


I think Mist is a bit crazier than I intended in the first chapter. Yeah, this isn't the best fan-fic out there, but I'm bored and I try to make something out of the worthless scrap of muse I had when I decided to start this. Neko... xD shes so confused, Talon has better watch what he says, he may light her fuse.
 
Last edited:

Psychic

Really and truly
The Authors' Café is for discussions and fic previews - actual fan fics belong in the Fan Fiction section. *moves* You also shouldn't center the actual story, as it's rather annoying to read.

Please be sure to read the Fan Fiction Rules so you know how things work on this forum.

~Psychic
 
Of Petunia Bubbles and Shadows... The Review

Hooray! My Trial School Certificate is over! Woo! I'm free!

Well, enough of that nonsense, let's get down to work shall we? From what I can see, after having a quick read of this, is that you seem to prefer quality over quantity. The only problem with this that you don't fufil the minimum length requirements, and, much of the quality exists in your mind, and we can't really see it thus far.

While this may be an intresting and enthralling fic, there are a few things that need to be sorted out before this can touch the hearts and minds, of all those who read it. So, after all that, let's get started!

*Knuckles down to work*

Welcome to the random and unusual world of my fan-fiction. Here you will explore the mind of my main character, and her crazy and unusual friends.​

What's with the center? this isn't a good way to present your fic at all. I't hard to read, people lose their place easily, and it just doesn't look good. FIX THIS IMMEDIATELY!

This isn't going to be an 'artsy' fic where there is one 'sane' person/ Pokemon, surrounded by those who aren't. Usually those fic spiral into a place where the characters (and writer) can no longer return to normality, and the readers have even less of an idea of what is going on. I dislike them, and I would assume that other people do aswell.

And by types, I mean like Shiny Pokemon. So far there are a total of five types that will be shown. One of them is let to be released in the roleply, due to a certain mod being too lazy to work on it (That would be me.)

Because 'Shiny' Pokemon have a completely different type to their 'normal' counter-parts. Different weaknesses, uber strength, may (or may not) be invisible and is 10,000 feet tall - now that's what I call a Shiny.

Yes, so far I've typed up a total of Eleven Chapters. I average hmm... One chapter a day so far? I started this on Saturday September Sixth.

While it is impressive, the size is laking and the quality needs controlling (both based on what I have seen here). I would rather see a new fic where the writer has spent a good amount of time writing (and re-writing) to get the best of length and quality of of everything written.

Character List

Main/Important Characters


Neko (Nekomata)
Flareon
Short Tempred, Quiet, Sarcastic
She Has a special ability that will be revealed later on

Mist
Mismagius
Crazy, Playful, Carefree
She Has a special ability that will be revealed later on

Talon
Zangoose
Quiet, Serious, keeps to himself
He Has a special ability that will be revealed later on

To be Revealed
Charizard
---
---

Everyone has a special ability. Usually character lists are implimented for fics which have been around for a while (allowing people to remember which character is the 'crazy' , 'depressed' or 'insanely happy' one.

Yes, you can submit your own characters via PMing. I've accepted many characters through PM, making a total of seven characters from friends, all from laokia.

This is YOUR story. It is NOT everyone elses. Besides, if you need to insert a character just to push the story forward, this means that a.) You are grasping at any 'friend offer' you can get b.) Your story is weak and needs some 'spice' to kick it up a notch c.) You have not thought your story through well enough.

Okay, now on to the chapters. I'd like to warn you. If you want to read more, your going to have to post. I will never post two chapters in a row without some one posting inbetween with some critisism or a comment.

Here's one. Is this really a nesscessary policy? Many people read fics from the shadows, but yet never comment or review.

I know, there are lots of typos. Don't point them out xD I've gotten tons already and I'm too lazy to fix them.

No...

Finally, after all of that, let start the actual 'reviewing'.

A large boulder landed nearby a dragon-like Pokémon, as it shot flames a massive Pokémon.

...Whaah? Did I fall asleep? This sentence doesn't seem to end correctly. You were just about to say something, but then were cut off. Whas the 'massive Pokémon to big to include? Man, that's big...

Pokémon = Correct Spelling

The Pokémon, a Charizard, quickly tried to avoid the rock, taking a hit to his wing.

Let's have a roleplay of our own, shall we? I'm a noob. What's a 'Charizard'? I know it is either a 'dragon-like' Pokémon, or 'a massive' Pokémon and has wings, but apart from that, I know nothing. (Back to me) You have to describe the Pokémon. Some people who come to these forums have no idea what a Charizard, Roselia or even a Bidoof look like. Describe them just for the sake of those who know nothing about Pokémon.

Charizard, and all other Pokémon are capitalized

The 'his' just doesn't seem to fit here.

He grunted with the effort of getting up, quickly countering with a Dragon Rage attack. A Flareon shot out from behind the Charizard sending many oddly colored flames at the enourmous Pokémon.

What does Dragon Rage look like? Is is a massive ball of intense engery, filled with the spirit and valor of a dragon? Or does Charizard just becom 'mad'? Ontop of that, what's a Flareon?

The Groudon reached foward swinging its large claws at the Flareon.

ZZZ... Oh sorry, was I asleep again? When did Groudon come into this? Oh, yeah, it was inbetween the empty spaces where attack and Pokémon descriptions could be put in...

The Flareon didn't have a chance to repy as lava started to well around the arena in which they fought. A bright and burning light soon blinded both of the fire type pokemon, followed by an enormous explosion.

Flareon. Never use abreviated words like didn't or shaln't. Use their full forms (Did not, Shall not), this is just good english and makes your story seem more intelligent. The only time you should use the abreviated versions, is when a character is talking (if they are using that word)

Because Lava + Rock+ Fire Pokémon = EXPLOSION!


Chapter 1


"Are you alright? Also, what's your name?"

Nice opening. Someone has almost died, is on the brink of death and all a passer-byer wants to know is "what's your name?" If I were in that position, my name would mean nothing to the situation at hand. It seems like there are identity theives in our midsts.

A second Pokémon dropped a few things at the Pokémon's paws.

Things? What things? Spinning tops? Nuclear waste containers? A infinately powerful object which could spell destruction if placed in the wrong hands? a little description (or clue) would be nice here.

"Where the hell am I?"

This can be counted as a swear. I know that I can't say this at my school. Better add this to the list.

No... I am not Catholic, or Christian, or Hindu, or whatever...

The Mismagius rolled its eyes before replying to Neko's question. "We find you out here half-dead, and all you want to know is our names?"

What's a Mismagius?

Hypocrits. They ask for Neko's (suppossedly life-saving) name, yet they won't share theirs? Why are names so important to these people? they aren't usually the first things that come to mind when half dead Pokémon are breathing their last few breaths.

She couldn't remember a thing...

... well, besides her own name that is.

*cough*MysteryDungeonFic*cough* Convinient wording. This just makes everone know what type of this this is based on. Main character is a Pokemon, memory loss, the rest sorts itself out.

"Well, Mystella is one of many small islands in this area. Not too many Pokémon live here, but the ones that do are mostly grass, water, or flying types. Mystella is the second largest of the islands, Cazerad is the largest. Across the sea would be the region of Memoria. A lot of things have been happening there from what I heard."

Talon seemed to be getting a bit annoyed, but didn't complain as he began to explain. "Cazerad is about twice the size of Mystella, and is the most mountanous of the islands. The forests around the mountains are very deserted, with little, or no Pokémon, or so I've heard. Most Pokémon who travel there to do some sort of research never return."

This might make perfect sense to you, but this is just jargon to readers. many will skip over this information, and those who read it will mostly likely have forgotten it before the next chapter is published. It is best to just place this information a bit further on in the story, and then recount it before it is actually needed.


Overall: This is an alright first effort, but much more is needed if this is to become a 'proper' fic. Length is a BIG problem (maybe as massive as that Pokémon), as Psychic stated, there is a 2 page (MicrosoftWord) minimum on chapters. Your chapter did not seem to come close to this. Expand on everything you can, especially description. Description is one of the 'life-bloods' of a fic. Without good description, a FanFic has bascially no chance to succeed, try to get some going.

A little more character devlopment wouldn't hurt either

On the Side: I don't think that Mist or Talon are 'that' crazy. Maybe a little eccentric in they ways in which they conduct their activities, but they seemed to be very helpful (apart form all of the name knowledge).

Yeah, this isn't the best fan-fic out there, but I'm bored and I try to make something out of the worthless scrap of muse I had when I decided to start this.

Correct-a-mundo for the first statement. Don't put yourself down, you just leave an opening for reviewers to expose and dill into you, and your fic. If you keep working at it, you might have something 'okay' on your hands.

Thanks. PocketmonMaster.
 

PetuniaBubbles

Devoted Spriter
The Authors' Café is for discussions and fic previews - actual fan fics belong in the Fan Fiction section. *moves* You also shouldn't center the actual story, as it's rather annoying to read.

Please be sure to read the Fan Fiction Rules so you know how things work on this forum.

~Psychic

gah! Sorry o_O I didn't realize where I was putting this. No more late night stuff for me =/

What's with the center? this isn't a good way to present your fic at all. I't hard to read, people lose their place easily, and it just doesn't look good. FIX THIS IMMEDIATELY!

This isn't going to be an 'artsy' fic where there is one 'sane' person/ Pokemon, surrounded by those who aren't. Usually those fic spiral into a place where the characters (and writer) can no longer return to normality, and the readers have even less of an idea of what is going on. I dislike them, and I would assume that other people do aswell.

I'm sorry for putting my own personality into the beginning paragraph?

Because 'Shiny' Pokemon have a completely different type to their 'normal' counter-parts. Different weaknesses, uber strength, may (or may not) be invisible and is 10,000 feet tall - now that's what I call a Shiny.

*sigh* Some people don't understand, but yes, 4 of the five have different types, but two of those have no changes to their normal weaknesses and resistances.

While it is impressive, the size is laking and the quality needs controlling (both based on what I have seen here). I would rather see a new fic where the writer has spent a good amount of time writing (and re-writing) to get the best of length and quality of of everything written.

I right during class, and at home. The chapters get slightly longer as I move on. I average one thousand words when I have a good amount of time. And I prefer not to write massive chapters, but send them in short bits, just so I can update frequently and not to keep people waiting.

Everyone has a special ability. Usually character lists are implimented for fics which have been around for a while (allowing people to remember which character is the 'crazy' , 'depressed' or 'insanely happy' one.

The character list gets a bit longer by chapter twelve, and clearly I don't use normaly pokemon for their names. I normally and almost always call a character by their name. Also, I don't care if people only do it for large fics, I liek that reference there for me as the writer as well.

This is YOUR story. It is NOT everyone elses. Besides, if you need to insert a character just to push the story forward, this means that a.) You are grasping at any 'friend offer' you can get b.) Your story is weak and needs some 'spice' to kick it up a notch c.) You have not thought your story through well enough.

I'm an open writer. Seeing as this originated in a small fic, I let people submit character ideas, then I twist them into where I think they would fit. Believe it or not, I already have a lot of future chapters planned, let some of my earlier ones a bit iffy with the planning.

Here's one. Is this really a nesscessary policy? Many people read fics from the shadows, but yet never comment or review.

If people post, it tells me that they care. If I don't see any posts I'm not going to keep adding chapters for a brick wall. Simple as that.

...Whaah? Did I fall asleep? This sentence doesn't seem to end correctly. You were just about to say something, but then were cut off. Whas the 'massive Pokémon to big to include? Man, that's big...

Pokémon = Correct Spelling

Let's have a roleplay of our own, shall we? I'm a noob. What's a 'Charizard'? I know it is either a 'dragon-like' Pokémon, or 'a massive' Pokémon and has wings, but apart from that, I know nothing. (Back to me) You have to describe the Pokémon. Some people who come to these forums have no idea what a Charizard, Roselia or even a Bidoof look like. Describe them just for the sake of those who know nothing about Pokémon.

Charizard, and all other Pokémon are capitalized

The 'his' just doesn't seem to fit here.

I am aware that there are noobs out there who may not know what a charizard is, but honestly, if your not a pokemon fan, why are you here. I'm not an over descriptive writer, and I did mention the first few chapters have quite a few typos that I don't really think needs to be fixed. I will only go back and fix some bigger typos that may confuse people. And yes, I know my grammer may be a bit off at times, I live with a lot of Spanish in my house. Same goes with the next few comments

Nice opening. Someone has almost died, is on the brink of death and all a passer-byer wants to know is "what's your name?" If I were in that position, my name would mean nothing to the situation at hand. It seems like there are identity theives in our midsts.

It's part of Mist's personality, if yu don't like it, too bad. If you read some later chapters, you will see how crazy she can get.

Things? What things? Spinning tops? Nuclear waste containers? A infinately powerful object which could spell destruction if placed in the wrong hands? a little description (or clue) would be nice here.

That will be stated later clearly. neko is half dead, and seeing as ts from her point of view, she hasn't bothered to see what they are.

This can be counted as a swear. I know that I can't say this at my school. Better add this to the list.

No... I am not Catholic, or Christian, or Hindu, or whatever...

this is one thing I'm glad you pointed out, I am christian, but the area I live in.... not the best place if you hate curse words. I never considered this as a swear or anything, I will try to avoid using this in the future, and I'm telling you now, I havn't used it too often (I think).


What's a Mismagius?

Hypocrits. They ask for Neko's (suppossedly life-saving) name, yet they won't share theirs? Why are names so important to these people? they aren't usually the first things that come to mind when half dead Pokémon are breathing their last few breaths.

Like I said, they are a pretty weird bunch, and no, Neko doesn't die, otherwise She wouldn't be the main character, unless shes going to be a ghost.

*cough*MysteryDungeonFic*cough* Convinient wording. This just makes everone know what type of this this is based on. Main character is a Pokemon, memory loss, the rest sorts itself out.

Actually. No. This is NOT a Mystery Dungeon fic, however much it may seem. It is honestly inspired from a comic I started, let didn't have the drawing skills to want to continue, and an old roleplay that died off a long time ago. I realize it DOES sound like a Mystery Dungeon fic, but I'm telling you right now, humans do not exist here. nothing but pokemon.

This might make perfect sense to you, but this is just jargon to readers. many will skip over this information, and those who read it will mostly likely have forgotten it before the next chapter is published. It is best to just place this information a bit further on in the story, and then recount it before it is actually needed.

I probably will make a map later on, and yes, I will go over this again as I've let to mention it much more in the story, except leaving the island (cause the whole story is totally on the island.)

Overall: This is an alright first effort, but much more is needed if this is to become a 'proper' fic. Length is a BIG problem (maybe as massive as that Pokémon), as Psychic stated, there is a 2 page (MicrosoftWord) minimum on chapters. Your chapter did not seem to come close to this. Expand on everything you can, especially description. Description is one of the 'life-bloods' of a fic. Without good description, a FanFic has bascially no chance to succeed, try to get some going.

A little more character devlopment wouldn't hurt either

Admittivly, I must have read over that in the rules. Also. *pokes Microsoft-less computer* New computer.... no Word >.< I'll get it installed as soon as I find the disk or whatever. I assure you that the chapters do get longer, although some still are pretty short. I try to keep a 1000 word mininum on me, but sometimes I just like to cut off at a suspensful place. Though, I do update often, and my typos are occuring less frequently (or so I think.).

As for the characterization stuff >.< It'll come in sooner lor later, mostly with Mist Talon and Neko, our next main character won't get to much for a while, I've been trying to include her, but I'm working on that.

On the Side: I don't think that Mist or Talon are 'that' crazy. Maybe a little eccentric in they ways in which they conduct their activities, but they seemed to be very helpful (apart form all of the name knowledge).

mist is. Talon is pretty normal, quiet and holds grudges. Neko isn't too crazy, unless she starts listening to the voices in her head. Overall, Mist is the only true crazy character so far in the place I am.

Correct-a-mundo for the first statement. Don't put yourself down, you just leave an opening for reviewers to expose and dill into you, and your fic. If you keep working at it, you might have something 'okay' on your hands.

I know that my fic isn't the best out there. Mostly because this is being done for pure fun, and the only reason I posted this here is to entertain whoever wants to read it. I've recieved positive viewers in both Laokia and Pokedox. I've worked a lot on length, and I still am, but sometimes I have limited time due to band and stuff along those lines. I know I am a good writer, but I'm not going to put my life into this. Like I said, this is for the entertainment of me and any kind readers...

Now that I got that out of the way... I've went to my parents computer (snuck on) and checked the length of the next few chapters, I'll post up til four, as those combined take up two pages on word (with Times New Roman and size 12 font.)

These are typo ridden too. Sorry.

Chapter 2
Shadows


Silence grasped the area for several minutes before a oddly colored Aipom emerged from the area. It had black fur instead of the usual purple, and a red face, belly and hand. The pokemon's eyes betrayed none of its feeling as it launched at Talon with a Quick Attack. Two can play at that game. Neko quickly mimicked the attack with a quick attack of her own, hitting the Aipom with greater force.

The Aipom didn't expect Neko to attack, and backed off a bit. Two more aipoms appeared, but unlike the first, these were all normally colored. The black and red aipom waved her tail, and the three all used Swift. Mist smiled and floated infront of the attack, a mischievous glance in her eyes as the stars went right through her. A wave of an odd purple cloud forced its way from where Mist was, hitting the two of the aipoms.

The third, who had jumped out of the way let out a piercing screech, distracting all of the pokemon, even the other Aipoms. The aipom moved in as its tail began to glow. The second the ear-splitting sound had died off the Aipom smacked Talon with a Focus Punch attack, sending him flying back a few feet. "Darn monkeys." Talon growled as he swiped his claws at the nearest Aipom with terrible force, sending it running away.

A stream of fire from neko hit another one of the Aipoms, causing the another of the three to flee the fight until it was only the oddly colored Aipom left. Mist silently stayed in the back, waiting for either Talon or neko to finish the fight. The dark pokemon gave an odd look at Neko before letting out several sparks towards Neko.

Neko winced as the shock of the thunderbolt hit her, preparing herself for a counter attack. Talon soon dashed towards the Aipom and forced his claws down hard on her head in another crush claw. The aipom gave Talon an annoyed look before retreating like other two. "You have something against Aipoms?" Neko asked after a minute or two of silence. Talon ignored the comment and started to walk away.

"Don't mind him, like I said, hes a grouch." Mist began to follow Talon, turning around to speak a bit more. "You can come with us if you like. Talon won't complain." Mist turned back around, not checking weather Neko would follow or not. She acts if she knows that as a fact. Neko thought before deciding to join them. Not as if she had anywhere else to go.

So far things have been going on very strangley since I've woken up here on Mystella Island. First I've seemed to make... er... friends, with two pokemon. Mist, shes pretty quiet and she seems nice... mostly weird though. And Talon... hes even quieter... and I suppose weirder than mist in a way. I'm almost positive that he has something against Aipoms.

Speaking of that... the was one weird pokemon. I've never seen one with that odd coloring, besides the fact I can't remember a thing I guess. Perhaps leaving this Island would be a good idea, maybe I can get my memories elsewhere, because I don't think I'm getting much of it here.

I suppose I can go to Cazerad... I may find answers there, but if what talon say is true... I'd probably die there. I'd rather risk my luck over in memoria, it sounds a bit safer. Getting there would be a problem though... I can't swim, I'm sure Mist can float across, I'm not sure how Talon would swim across... that is if they even come along.

Actually, as long as I'm off this island and this stupid humidity, I think I'll live. I have to admit, it is quite peaceful out here, I've let to see, hear or smell and pokemon besides Talon, Mist and that odd bunch of Aipoms. I wonder how much I've changed since I lost my memory...

What about my friends, or family... I wish I could remember at least that much, if I was able to seek one out. I'm still not sure why the hell I ended up on this forsaken good for nothing island. Where did I live before, and-


Neko's thoughts were interrupted as she smacked her face into a tree. I must have completed blanked out... She started to wipe her par over her face, feeling a few splinters graze over her paw. In front of her was Mist, who clearly could barely hide her laughter.

Great... running into trees is clearly the best way to make good impressions. Neko thought sarcastically before stalking off to follow Talon, pretending like nothing happened, which made Mist laugh even harder.

A small flash glinted in Neko's eyes, but soon dissapeared. It wasn't Mist's fault that she had run into a tree. It was her own for not paying much attention, then again... if she hadn't been so confused about everything, she wouldn't be running into anything. Maybe a glass wall though.

~*~*~*~

A haavy darkness lay over the cave. Nothing stirred and the air was deadly silent. The only things visable were the flash of yellow eyes and the occasionally shift of movement coming from further back in the cave.

A deep intimidating growl sounded from deep within the cave as a pair of light and timid footsteps carefully made their way to the yellow eyes. A small whimper came from the intruding pokemon as it neared the deepest reaches of the cave. Several moments passed before the growling stopped, leaving the firghtened pokemon in an eerie silence.

"You have arrived sooner than I have expected Charcoal..." Two yellow eyes glinted as a beam of moonlight shone down from a hole in the roof of the cave, also revealing a large green pokemon. "Much sooner. I suppose you have something to report." the two yellow eyes lay unwavering on the smaller pokemon nearby.

Charcoal stiffened as he gazed upon the larger pokemon. Several moments passed before he began to speak. "Lord-" He was cut off by the larger pokemon.

"spare me the introductions, I don't have the time to hear you stammer all day." the roar echoed through the isolated cave, leaving an eerie ring. "I sugest you get to the point if you want me to let you live."

Charcoal hesitated before continuing. "I believe we have found what y-you are looking for." The beam of moonlight shifted slightly to reveal Charcoals red fur. "It didn't take nearly as long as we thought."

The moonlight vanished as a storm began to build over the cave. "Excellent." The larger pokemon grinned, its fierce yellow eyes glinting with a dark glow. "We shall now start phase one of our plan." Charcoal started to tremble as the yellow eyes stared at him. "We've let those pests have their fun, now its our turn. Find and capture their leader. We will kill her in front of all of her followers."

A chilling silence engulfed the cave as the small pokemon bowed down then fled outside of the cave into the storm. A Meniacal laughter was echoeing from inside the cave. Charcoal glanced at the cave before running further into the woods.

"Revenge will be mine..."

~*~*~*~

It had taken a whiel for Mist to stop laughing as they followed a path to... somewhere. It had just occured to Neko that Talon never said where they were heading. I still can't believe I ran into a tree. She thought with an annoyed filck of her ear. She could have sworn she still had a splinter on her nose.

Neko was glad that they were now traveling on a path. Mostly thanks to Talon who suggested to take the path shortly after Neko was attacked by a tree. Finally the curiousity that was tugging at her mind became overwhelming. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see when we get there." was Talon's only reply for the next three or four times Neko asked, which began to frustrate Neko after the first time. She continued to follow Mist and Talon while wondering how long they have been walking. Looking at the Sun's position in the sky she could tell they havn't been walking for too long as it hasn't shifted to far from when she last checked.

The fluttering of wings alerted the group that they were no longer alone. Neko scanned the area and prepared to attack when the pokemon came out. "Calm down." Talon stepped out in front of Neko and looked around the treetops. "It must be Pudgey."​

Comments/Notes

I finally gave small view of some of the evil characters xD I honestly don't see Charcoal as 'evil' but hes just scared. This was typed... or rather written during class in order for me to get it to my friends in Laokia ASAP... I still write most of my chapters by and before typing them up, which is the most likely cause for the short chapters. My hand writing is... unpredictable. Meaning, it can either type up as a short half a page on word chapter, or a long three pages on word... normally shorter though. I do appreciate your comments Pocketmon Master, but to be honest, I may have taken a few of them a little harshly, if it sounds like that, I do not mean it that way. I will try to do so in the later chapters, because If I try editing some that are already up, I may end up changing a huge part of the story. Thanks though. (I should have moved this up before Chapter 2 was posted, but oh well!)
 
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Still got the
stuff going I see... I don't have much time right now (assignments and what not), but I'll do a quick overall review. There are a few more things that I would like to go into more detail, but time is money, and I like my money.

I do appreciate your comments Pocketmon Master, but to be honest, I may have taken a few of them a little harshly, if it sounds like that, I do not mean it that way. I will try to do so in the later chapters, because If I try editing some that are already up, I may end up changing a huge part of the story. Thanks though. (I should have moved this up before Chapters 2, 3, and 4 were posted, but oh well!)

Thankyou for replying to my criticism. When I got back on today, I realised that I hadn't put a notice about sarcasm. All the points of my my reviews were using sarcasm to emphasize their meanings and interperatations. I should have put it up, but I forgot, thanks for not really yelling at me.

Admittivly, I must have read over that in the rules.

Here's a rule you have obviously skipped over as well:

Psychic in the FanFiction Rules said:
6) One chapter per post.
Only one chapter can be in a post, meaning no post should contain multiple chapters

Pretty simple. One chapter, one post. Here I can see chapters 2-4. I'm sorry, but this will now probably be closed by a mod.

Also. *pokes Microsoft-less computer* New computer.... no Word >.< I'll get it installed as soon as I find the disk or whatever. I assure you that the chapters do get longer, although some still are pretty short. I try to keep a 1000 word mininum on me, but sometimes I just like to cut off at a suspensful place. Though, I do update often, and my typos are occuring less frequently (or so I think).

As I stated earlier, minimum page limits are essential. It makes sure that the story is of a decent length, and that stuff actually happens. With your size, sure, there are things happening, but everything needs to be fleshed out. Try to put in 2 sentences for every 1 if you have to.

Cutting off at a suspensful part is a good way to gain a reader's intrigue, but that doesn't mean that you can't extend your story's length and still capture readers in the moment. In all, I would say that your length is your bigest issue, and would have to be dealt with straight away. (I doubt this will happen since you are strapped for time, and have already written 12 short chapters.

Typos are still around (and yet I say nothing)

I just had to put this in:

I am aware that there are noobs out there who may not know what a charizard is, but honestly, if your not a pokemon fan, why are you here. I'm not an over descriptive writer...

Because it can be seen as exclusion and bad writing. Never did I say that the people who are reading this are not Pokemon fans, they just might not know the Pokemon in particular. For example: people are new to the world of Pokemon (joining with the release of DP), learning all 493 monster names, types and image would be no easy feat. While you may know them all, others may not, because they have only recently come to love and respect Pokemon.

Description is a big part of writing in general, not just Fan Fiction. Without description, how would we know the intricacy of the plot and story. What you are giving us, right now, is half a story. Learn to use description whenever you write. Not only does it extend the story (see earlier point), but it gives the reader a better view of what is happeninng. For yourself, I would say: Use it, or lose you story - due to unfullfilled length.

Thanks. PocketmonMaster.​
 

PetuniaBubbles

Devoted Spriter
Thankyou for replying to my criticism. When I got back on today, I realised that I hadn't put a notice about sarcasm. All the points of my my reviews were using sarcasm to emphasize their meanings and interperatations. I should have put it up, but I forgot, thanks for not really yelling at me.

I try to keep my cool with people ^^' I hate starting hate wars on the internet, its not pleasant for the people around.



Here's a rule you have obviously skipped over as well:


Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychic in the FanFiction Rules
6) One chapter per post.
Only one chapter can be in a post, meaning no post should contain multiple chapters

Pretty simple. One chapter, one post. Here I can see chapters 2-4. I'm sorry, but this will now probably be closed by a mod.

Gah... its alright >.< I know its a bad idea to get myself into reading rules late at night, I can never ramember them that way. I don't mind if this is closed, I honestly write for fun, and if that means having 7 paragraph chapters, thats how I'll do it. But Truthfully, I have taken your advice, and have extended Chapters Twelve in thirteen, of course, now I spend most of my spare time in school writing half the chapter, then most of my free time at home typing it all up. But I'm still not sure how long it is (Note to Self: Hurry and install word)

As I stated earlier, minimum page limits are essential. It makes sure that the story is of a decent length, and that stuff actually happens. With your size, sure, there are things happening, but everything needs to be fleshed out. Try to put in 2 sentences for every 1 if you have to.

Cutting off at a suspensful part is a good way to gain a reader's intrigue, but that doesn't mean that you can't extend your story's length and still capture readers in the moment. In all, I would say that your length is your bigest issue, and would have to be dealt with straight away. (I doubt this will happen since you are strapped for time, and have already written 12 short chapters.

Typos are still around (and yet I say nothing)

I just had to put this in:

xD I think I get what you mean. With my Chapter Twelve draft, I wrote just about... *goes to look* 537 words, and thats not even done with the draft, I got home and typed up the rest. I ended up extending the first part of the chapter (265 words) to about 667 words, and the chapter came out at around 1700. I'm sure Chapter Thirteen will be pretty long =/ seeing as I've let to finish half of the draft.

As for the cyrrent chapters =/ I'm sorry to say If I lengthen them, I'm afraid I'll start tweaking the story too much, and not realise that I will have to change other important thing sI've already typed. I'll probably mix several chapters together, as they do flow quite nicely into each other (or so I think).

As for typos- thats what I get for being a very fast typer, though I'm pretty sure the typo's start to go away the later I get in, as I've been trying to keep a good eye on that.

Because it can be seen as exclusion and bad writing. Never did I say that the people who are reading this are not Pokemon fans, they just might not know the Pokemon in particular. For example: people are new to the world of Pokemon (joining with the release of DP), learning all 493 monster names, types and image would be no easy feat. While you may know them all, others may not, because they have only recently come to love and respect Pokemon.

Description is a big part of writing in general, not just Fan Fiction. Without description, how would we know the intricacy of the plot and story. What you are giving us, right now, is half a story. Learn to use description whenever you write. Not only does it extend the story (see earlier point), but it gives the reader a better view of what is happeninng. For yourself, I would say: Use it, or lose you story - due to unfullfilled length.

I'm not the person who likes to describe how the pokemon look like unless there is something unusual or different about them compared to their usual appreance. For those laokia region pokemon I have put into the fic, they first appear in chapter Thirteen, I'll probably give a brief description, then add the sprites in the Commens/Notes section.

I will mix chapters together and rename them for here, just cause I like to see what people think, and I like decent critisism on what I can improve. not only is this a fun thing for me to do, it also helps my much improved writing skill. (I used to fail in writing until Seventh grade. By the end of 7th, my english teacher was questioning me why I wasn't in honors/Pre-AP. I thank all the roleplaying I did that year.)

My newer chapters will also be as long as I can make them while stopping at where I'd like to stop... just a question, I know you may not have time, but do you mind if I PM you my newer chapters so you can check the length? Just until I get word *looks for disk* Gah >.< I need to clean my desk. For now, I'll just mix every three chapters

Thanks for the crit. I really do appreciate it.

On to the first mixed chapter -.-

Chapter Three
Mainland


"Pudgey?" Neko followed where Talon and Mist were both looking. After a few moments the branches of a nearby tree started to shake. On the branch was a small and cheerful looking Pidgey, with a small bag across its body.

"Mail time already?" Mist asked curiously at Pudget. "Its a bit early isn't it?" Pudgey pulled out a letter with his beak and let Mist use Psychic to pick it up and move it towards her. Who would've know there are pokemon crazy enough to deliver mail to this place. Neko thought as she took another glance at Pudgey. He looks familiar...

Pudgey's voice broke through Neko's thoughts snapping her back to reality. He was talking to Mist and Talon about the letter. "I know its quite early, but the mail pidgeys were told to deliver these letters to as many pokemon as possible. I'm sure they all say the same thing. The sender is anonymous, but he insisted it was very cucial we send these as soon as we possibly can. And trust me, its been a lot of work for the Mail Pidgeys." Pudgey yawned a bit then looked at Neko. "You must be new here... I assume you are a friend of Talon or Mist... well, I hope you like it here."

Talon grabbed the letter from Mist and opened it with his claws. "Her name is Neko, we found her half-dead out in the forest." He said before pulling out the letter. He began to read it out loud to the group.

To Any Pokemon Reading This...

In five days before the full moon starts to wane, there shall be a meeting in Starfall Town. I would be very grateful to any who decide to join us then to hear what I have to say. The things I will say are crucially important, and may prove important to any pokemon in the region of Memoria.

I cannot tell you much in this message alone, but you will learn all the details at the meeting. I shall be waiting at Starfall town on the night of the full moon. Please join the meeting, you can choose what to do from there.

~Anonymous


Neko grinned, this could be her chance to get off this island. She glanced at Talon and Mist, observing their expressions. Talon seemed to be how is alwas has since she met him. Emotionless. While Mist seemed deep in thought... is that even possible? Neko shrugged it off and waited for their answers.

"So... who wants to go?" Mist asked out of nowhere. Neko waved her tail, indicating yes, while Talon just shrugged as if he didn't care weather they went or not. "Theres one problem... our transportation isn't ready." What transportation? a canoe possibly?

"Actually..." Pudgey broke in. I had forgotten he was there... Neko realized. "I already brought him over, I figured Mist would want to go... she seems to drag you everywhere Talon." Pudgey gave a cheerful smile as her pointed to the beach. "He's waiting over at the shore."

"Thanks..." Talon grumbled as he started off for the beach. Mist just laughed a bit and followed Talon, turning around to gave a wave to Pudgey who was flying off, most likely to deliver the message to another pokemon.

"It was so nice of Pudgy to get Perris here." Mist spoke in a calm tone. Perris? He must be a water type pokemon... Probably a Lapras, she assumed as she followed the others to the beach.

Wow... Neko was stunned as the shore came into view. She never had imagined how beautiful it was. As she stepped on the soft sand she was surprised to feel how warm it was under her paws. So there is one good thing about this island...

"Don't get used to it." Talon seemed to read Neko's mind as they headed to what looked like a dock. The dock itself was very plain, just a bunch of wooden planks put together hanging over the ocean. Next to the dock in the water waited a large serpent-like pokemon. That must be Perris.

The pokemon was an immensly handsome milotic who patiently awaited Mist and Talon's arrival. "It's been a long tie since we've last met, hasn't it?" Perris spoke calmly while his eyes rested on Neko. Why does every one keep staring at me like I'm a freak... STOP STARING!

Mist went to float by Perris' side and called out over to Talon and Neko. "Hop on unless you want me to leave you two here!" Talon sighed as he went on the Milotics back. Neko stared at Perris for a bit then reluctantly, and carefully joined Talon on the Water-types back.

Neko stared at the water as waves and other pokemon went by. Perris was a surprising fast swimmer, as well as quiet... something Neko would never expect with Mist around. This wasn't so bad, after all, she hadn't come close to falling into the water let.

The cool sea breeze was slightly relaxing over her discomfort of being surrounded by nothing but water. A few wingull and Pelipper could be seen overheard gliding over with the gentle breeze. Off in the distance Neko could see land. Memoria. A group of pokemon swimming alongside Perris distracted Neko for a while. Most of them were Magikarp, with the exception of a single Feebas.

"We're almost there." Perris' voice made Neko looked up to see the shore of the region much closer than before. Finally... Neko thought. Despite the fact she had not fallen off Perris, she was still soaking wet from the waves and the way Perris swam. If only Mist knew a Lapras.

"You look like you had a blast." Mist commented after looking at Neko's drenched fur. They were all on land now, taking a short break before setting off for Starfall town.

"Which way now?" Mist asked Talon after a short while, clearly Neko would be of no help.

"You mean you dragged us all the way out here without knowing which way we a supposed to go?" Talon sounded both shocked an annoyed. He shook his head before he caught the mischievus look on Mit's face. "Fine then. I do know how to get there, but First we will have to go through Azreka Forest."

"Be careful Neko, there are a lot of trees in the forest." Mist taunted towards Neko before floating off to catch up with Talon, who had already decided to head through the forest. I'll get you back for that. Neko grinned, starting to plot her revenge.

So planning my payback isn't as easy as I imagined it would. I know next to nothing about Mist, and she knows how well I am at running into trees and getting splinters on my nose. Oh well, I'll come with something.... eventually.

I'm oddly curious about who sent those letters to everyone... and why. I'm not sure, but I feel as something bad is going to happen... what else could be so important to gather so many pokemon together to disc- Ah!

Good for nothing trees... why is the meeting so important, its not like a giant meteor is going to come out of no where and destroy the world, cause I highly doubt there'd be anything we could do about that. I guess I'll find out soon enough...


"Are we almost there Talon?" Mist started to pester the zangoose who simply tried his bet to ignore her presence. "How much longer?" He continued to try to ignore her whining as pretended she wasn't there, which only encouraged her to bother him even more.

Poor Talon... Neko thought with a small grin. As long as its not me in his place. Maybe hanging around with this psychotic group wouldn't be so bad, she surely wouldn't get bored. Maybe she'd hang around with them just until she finishes her revenge.

"We're there! Now can you please shut your mouth!" Talon finally said, holding one paw to his head. "At any rate, every one within a one hundred mile radius would think you were trying to make some ones head explode!"

After taking several more steps Neko realized she could her the voices of many clustered pokemon. I guess we're here... "I can hear pokemon, I'm sure we are near town. Thanks Talon!" Mist finally stopped tormenting Talon to take the lead towards town.

Comments/Notes

Welcome to the first real mixed chapter-ish thing xD For those who have seen this in Pokedox, this would be Chaptesr five, six, and seven, under the title of Chapter Five... simple enough right? Well, I'm pretty sure there a lot of typos as well here, I promise they will start appearing less often soon (I hope!). Poor talon xD Mist is the crazy one. Chapter whatever will be put up tomarrow xD this mxing is making me lose track of chapters, but I'm fine as long as I continue to get good comments and suggestions.

EDIT

I got curious, dug through the house for my microsoft office disk, and I now have Word (Thank goodness)

The good news is... Chapter one was almost two pages, and a few other chapters are in the two page limit, the rest will be mixed in order to get to the mininum requirements. So, I only have to mix a few chapters, the newer chapters meet the mininum of two pages, thank goodness. Thank you to PocketmonMaster for telling me to make them longer xD I've over doubled the length since chapter six. So four pages form Chapter Twelve and Eleven... of course, since I'm mixing I'll have to mess with this a bit.
 
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PetuniaBubbles

Devoted Spriter
Chapter Four
Starfall Town


Fwee! We're here~ I wonder if Neko has ever been here... before she lost her memory... Oh well, doesn't matter.... SHOPPING TIME! Were to go first...

Mist was happily 'jumping' around waving a bag of Poke she had decided to sneak on this trip. If Talon had known earlier, he would have never agreed to join her on this trip. Poor Talon didn't expect a thing... anyway, Who in the world is crazy enough to hate shopping? "Come on you two! Lets start exploring!" Mist began to float off into the crowd, taking one look behind her to see that both Neko and Talon had vanished.

Where'd they go! They wouldn't ditch me would they? She looked around but there was no sight of them. Their loss! She decided without a second thought to go on without them. She'd look later anyway, all she wanted was to have a bit of fun in town before the meeting-majig.

~*~*~*~

"Poor mist... I kind of feel bad for ditching her there..." Neko told Talon as they got further away from where they left near the entrance of town. "Then again... maybe I don't I probably hate shopping as much, if not more, than you do. I honestly don't think I like being in crowds very much either." Neko laughed as they found a quiet place to lay own and take a nap.

~*~*~*~

Mist happily hummed to herself as she looked through town. It was much larger than she had expecting, and probably more crowded than usual due to the meeting thing. Almost constantly Mist would stop to look in a shop and spend what would seem like an eternity to most in the store looking for what was just right. Off to the next store!

"Um... excuse me..." Mist got startled as a icy high pitched voice came from behind you. She turned around to see a small and unusual Absol. "May you please tell me where this meeting is going to be held? I'm a bit lost here." Mist thought for a second until she realized that she never found out where in town she was supposed to be heading.

"Um... no, not really! I have no idea where it is myself." Upon closer inspection of the absol the pokemon, instead of being black and white like most Absols, she looked as if she were made of ice, partially clear and blue. Even the air around her felt colder. "I'll worry about the location of the meeting thing later. My name is Mist, and I have shopping to do! Want to join?"

At this the young pokemon's eyes lit up. "I LOVE shopping. Of course I'll join you!" The absol seemed just as excited as Mist. "By the way, I'm Storm." She smiled as she followed Mist into the next shop. The two spent hours after hours doing nothing but shopping and messing around until they finally took a break around dusk.

"The meeting is going to start soon, and we still don't know where it is..." Storm finally Mist. Heh... whoops, and I still have to find the tree hugger and the grouch. Storm continued to speak for a bit more as Mist completely spaced out in her own little word. "Mist?"

"Uhuh.... wait... oh sorry!" Mist looked around for Neko and Talon. "I have to find my two friends before I head to the meeting. One's a tr- uh, Flareon and the other is a zangoose, they both ditched me at the mention of shopping." She explained before letting out a wide yawn, at this rate, she'd fall asleep during the meeting.

"Maybe you should look behind you next time you go looking for your two friends." Talon's voice broke Mist's thoughts as both Talon and Neko appeared behind her. Maybe I should... Mist turned around and gave Talon a 'Where have you been?' look. Next to Talon stood Neko who seemed to be distracted by something.

~*~*~*~

For crying out loud! STOP STARING AT ME! Neko could feel the eyes of the odd absol sinking into her fur. "Are you going to introduce your new friend to us Mist?" Talon spoke casually, ignoring the glare Mist was giving him. At that moment the Absol's eyes moved away towards Talon.

"Oh! Whoops!" Mist floated over to the Icy colored pokemon and gave a cheerful look. "This is Storm!. She LOOOOVES to go shopping... just like me!" Storm gave a playful smile before attempting to pounce on the ghost-type pokemon. "Missed me!" Mist taunted as she moved out of the way, and started to chase Storm.

"Those two were made for each other." Neko muttered to Talon. Now that’s two freakingly psychotic over-hyper pokemon with us. Great. "Anyway... shouldn't we head for the meeting, it will be starting very soon if it hasn't already. She made sure her voice was loud enough for both Mist and Storm to hear. "Its in the plaza."

Talon and Neko both headed for the plaza, almost leaving behind Mist and Storm who eventually caught up after their tussle. The plaza was very crowded, having barely any space for one pokemon to move freely around. Up in the northern end of the plaza stood a podium where a calm Shiny nintales waited.

It took several minutes before the racket from the crowd died down just enough to be able to hear the words of the Ninetails as the meeting started. "I'm terribly sorry for having to drag all of you from your homes or any important things you have been doing. But I believe what I have to say is important and may effect us all, and our future generations.

Comments/Notes

Well, I decided to post the next chapter, which is in my original version of this fic, Chapter Seven. (Not mixed. this one is just over two pages.) Well anyway, Mist hasa new bff! xD I've let to add some character to Storm even now as I start Chapter Fourteen =/ working on that one. I'm pretty ure there /should/ be less typos in this one. Unless spell check hates me. It's bad enough I had to sift through and find all the itallic areas.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
I'm not the person who likes to describe how the pokemon look like unless there is something unusual or different about them compared to their usual appreance. For those laokia region pokemon I have put into the fic, they first appear in chapter Thirteen, I'll probably give a brief description, then add the sprites in the Commens/Notes section

This is not fancomics. You can't get away with linking to sprites and pictures. If you want people to know what they look like, describe them. Just because everyone knows what a Charizard looks like, doesn't mean they see it visually in their mind the same way.

Example.

Example #1 said:
The Charizard stood atop the cliff overlooking the valley; the fat lizards short and squat legs seemed to somehow support the massive wieght of the creature with no trouble. It's long orange tail swished behind itself as dark blue eyes narrowed as it seemingly spotted something.

A snort escaped the long jaws of the orange creature as the head arced slightly upon thick, long neck. White teeth glistened as it suddenly grinned, an evil grin it almost looked like. As a gleam of almost same proportions flashed in its narrowed, blue eyes. Flaring large red-orange and cerulean blue wings, it launched itself off the cliff with those short, squat legs and took to the air..

That is going by the sprites.

Example #2 said:
The Charizard lay hidden in its cave up on the cliff. Secure in the knowledge no one would dare interupt its slumber. The massive creature was huge, its head alone seemingly large enough to swallow a grown man whole.

But as the large red-orange creature stirred and shifted onto its side, revealing a cream colored, and scaled, belly, it was unawares as a small figure crept into its cave, hugging the walls and just avoiding the claws from the massive, and powerful, hind legs that kicked ever so slightly in the large fire dragons slumber. And once more the small adventurer had his life halted in its tracks as the long, thick and powerful tail moved and coiled like a snake as the dragon stirred again, wings flaring ever so slightly as it snorted and grunted, starting to wake as the scent of the intruder infiltrated its dreams..

Wow. A little description can go a long way.

And you know if you're proud you're only writing two, to four page long chapters, you should be ashamed. You can't really get much done in two pages, or four really, without alot of skipping and jumping, and even ignoring that, plot development, character development, and etc is also rushed because well when you're writing the bare page minimum and you aren't striving to write longer, outside of mixing chapters together, or improving them outside that before posting well, I don't think you really grasped what you read in Rules, or Advice for Aspiring Authors.

Because I've written prologues, that are longer than these. And most were just rough drafts.

I suggest going back to square one, and starting OVER, and writing it from scratch, if you don't want to expand upon what you've already written, save mashing two chapters together, and telling people to hold out for better quality.
 

PetuniaBubbles

Devoted Spriter
And you know if you're proud you're only writing two, to four page long chapters, you should be ashamed. You can't really get much done in two pages, or four really, without alot of skipping and jumping, and even ignoring that, plot development, character development, and etc is also rushed because well when you're writing the bare page minimum and you aren't striving to write longer, outside of mixing chapters together, or improving them outside that before posting well, I don't think you really grasped what you read in Rules, or Advice for Aspiring Authors.

Because I've written prologues, that are longer than these. And most were just rough drafts.

I suggest going back to square one, and starting OVER, and writing it from scratch, if you don't want to expand upon what you've already written, save mashing two chapters together, and telling people to hold out for better quality.

So, I'm not allowed simply to write for fun? I've already gotten to far to go back, considering that I'm about to be swamped with work. And the prolouge is supposed to be vague and short. I've already recieved a comment regarding descriptions, and I've decided not to change any chapters due to the fact I will lose motivation at that point. I do take up on the more descriptive part in some of my newer chapters, but the last thing I want is for this fic to turn into a chore.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Not just talking about the prologue, skimming over your chapters you seem to fail to grasp the need to describe anything outside a vague ideal. And how is it a chore to improve something you like doing? If it's such a chore to write in the first place, even if you love it, why write it at all?

And you know claiming it improves later, doesn't make what you posted now, any better. Stop making excuses and A: either actually put more time into the next chapters, instead of just mixing them to make them the required length ha, it doesn't take that much effort, to go back and edit here and there. No one is saying you have to rush chapters out like there's no frigging tomorrow, work or not, you can still take the time to edit, to flush, to expand, to make a short chapter, a bit longer.
 

PetuniaBubbles

Devoted Spriter
Not just talking about the prologue, skimming over your chapters you seem to fail to grasp the need to describe anything outside a vague ideal. And how is it a chore to improve something you like doing? If it's such a chore to write in the first place, even if you love it, why write it at all?

And you know claiming it improves later, doesn't make what you posted now, any better. Stop making excuses and A: either actually put more time into the next chapters, instead of just mixing them to make them the required length ha, it doesn't take that much effort, to go back and edit here and there. No one is saying you have to rush chapters out like there's no frigging tomorrow, work or not, you can still take the time to edit, to flush, to expand, to make a short chapter, a bit longer.

Look, writing this isn't a chore. If I try to rewrite it, then it will be a chore. And I have been making improvements on my later chapter, my first few were pretty museless pieces to help get some inspiration, and it did get what I needed, and convinced me to continue onward. I'd /really' prefer it if people didn't say things that have already been said. As for going back and editing old chapters, I will most likely mess with the story a bit at one point, and not realize it. Therefore causing chaos in the future chapters. I've taken a little break from this fic to get to work on my jobs in a forum, In the meantime I've been using that modding to help inspire my next chapter.
 
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