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Risk

Hakura May

Xin Nian Dao!
I can finally get a chance to post this! Here is my first ever fanfic. I hope you enjoy it. If you read this, please also read my novel "Phoenix Feathers". There's a link to it in my signature. I admit the Prologue is a little short, but the chapters shall be much longer. Oh, and try to guess what Pokemon "I" am in this fanfic. It's probably very obvious. Anyway, enjoy!

Risk

There are risks within every path and step you take. You'll have to face them sooner or later. A tiny tick in time elapses. Seasons still flourish and time will continue its journey. Chances won't come again, so take them. Trust your instinct...

Prologue


Lightning snaked across the inky night sky, baring its forked tongue and sharp fangs. Thunder rolled throughout the devilish night, and dark clouds loomed overhead. The biting wind blew again and again, as the shadows crept forward. A steady rainfall dropped from the sky, soaking everything to the core. Accompanied with it were small, sharp cubes, which felt cold to the touch. No smiling stars were to been seen tonight; they were swallowed by the coal black, loneliness of the abyss. The rain continued to fall steadily, and the harsh wind blew furiously, tugging at the fighting trees. It was noticeably getting colder, and the bitter gale didn't exactly help.

I was born into the world, freezing, starving, and having to crawl to my mother for warmth. Fighting with my brothers and sisters all didn't help. Need I say, I was a runt of the litter. Smaller than anyone else. I had only been brought into this world about an hour ago, and I already knew I hated, no, loathed, despised the fact I was small. Everyone was born at the same time, yet why was I the smallest? I'll admit I was born the last, but that doesn't mean anything!

Still, I suppose it's still a blessing to be born into a world with at least a little warmth. I saw a group of five or six Zigzagoon huddled at the base of a crimson red Pecha Berry tree. They seemed to be awfully cold. I wanted to do something, but I couldn't.

I wondered why I couldn't. Why didn't I? Why didn't I ignore my mother, and do what I think is right? Why are the Zigzagoon nesting under a Pecha Berry tree? Couldn't they dig a cave, or a hole, like us? Why? There were so many questions, and they all floated around my mind like silky, snow-white feathers.

I slowly closed my eyes, and relaxed, hoping, praying, that the Zigzagoons would be alright.


Thunder roared madly, but I could still make out the muffled sounds of voices. They weren't the voices of our kind, however. They were... different. Why?

Our mother arose, and she silently walked out of the den, looking, sniffing, searching. Her face showed worry. She was scared of something, but what?

At that very minute, a wave of red, orange, and yellow flew across the night. They blinded me for a second. One distinct wave caught onto the Pecha Berry tree. The wave continued downward, licking up the tree, and causing the berries and tree to turn into a coal black. I wondered if the Zigzagoons were alright, and if they were, where were they?

Mother darted back into the den, her eyes showing worry. I knew something was wrong, but why? What was it? Mother picked us all up by the neck and quickly carried us outside. She motioned for us to follow her, as she began to run. We had no choice but to follow. Mother still looked startled, and we were all no better.

I looked back at the Pecha Berry tree. It's beautiful scarlet bark had been reduced to a coal black. All the rosy-pink berries had also joined its fate; they had turned into a pile of coal black ashes, and nothing more. The smell of something burning was in the air, as sooty, dancing smoke rose into the air. The smoke choked me and smarted my eyes. I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't feel anything. The world began to blur, as my dizzying vision worsened. I thought about the Zigzagoon, and where they where. Had they met the same fate as the beautiful Pecha Berry tree? I hoped not.

I felt a strong jaw clamp onto me and I thought it had been a wild Pokemon, attacking me. Luckily, it was only my mother. She dragged me out of the filthy smoke and began to run again, with my brothers and sisters close at her heels. Her face still showed worry. I could feel her rapid heartbeat and her body warmth. Her fur was wet from sweat. I knew something was wrong.

A sharp noise rang from the distance, piercing the night air, cutting the air in half, and at that very second, I couldn't feel anything from her. She dropped me, and I fell onto the needle-like, razor-sharp rocks. They stung like ice. Everything hurt real bad, but I was too worried about Mother.

I ran to her side. Her eyes had closed ever since I was dropped. My brothers and sisters had all grouped up to her as well, and every one of us was worried. I rested my head on her, expecting to feel her heartbeat, but no. There was no warmth, no heartbeat, no anything. Only a frigid body that we once called "Mother".

Our kind had all been scattering around, same as us, but now, the world seemed to stop, as everyone began to huddle near Mother. They all seemed to be crying, mourning something, someone. I wondered why they cared about us. I saw the litter of Zigzagoons, and I was instantly blissful again, but it only lasted for a few moments. I now realized what had been going on, and what happened. I had only been born into this world less than a full moon ago, and yet I already knew what had happened. There was a new smell in the air. The smell of death.

The air was rent against with the deafening shriek, and our kind scattered away once again. I heard the cry again, and again. There was one more thing I knew other than death, and it was born into me, just like any of our kind. Once more, the sound echoed throughout the graveyard. All this boiled down to one command... Run.

I began to run, not knowing where I was headed to or from. It didn't matter. Mother was gone, and I was alone with my brothers and sisters. They had been following me close behind. We all occasionally tripped, but I seemingly tripped more than I ran. Once again, the cry echoed throughout the bleak night. I ran faster, my heart racing.

The sound happened once more, and that was all I knew, for a sharp, splitting pain had overcome me in my paw. I grimaced with agony, and I just couldn't take it. I slipped and fell down into the freezing rapids. I fell onto a sharp rock, then collapsed down into the frigid water.

The current carried me farther and farther away from my brothers and sisters. My head was pulled underwater, and I could hear muffled cries from my siblings, along with something else. Someone's voice, but not from our kind. They were angry, and cold-hearted.

My vision blurred, and I was terribly frightened. The icy water stung like needles, and I was pulled into the the depths once again. I tried to call for help, but it was no use. Water filled my lungs rapidly, and thunder and lightning cracked into the distance.

Then, all of a sudden, the storm seemed to blow away. The full moon, gleaming beautifully, had arisen, but now, it was too late. The raging current showed no mercy, as I fell to the depths. I caught one last glimpse of the moon, and that was it. I knew no more...
 
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Literate

black cat, black cat
Well, I feel a neutral wave emitting from the prologue. That means its okay for a prologue. No grammar mistakes, good description, great sentence flow.... It's just that as of now I don't really have an opinion.

I'm guessing it might be a [SPOIL]Growlithe.[/SPOIL]

:p I just looked at your custom title and looked at your avatar. I don't know but yeah.... I'll be back to read the next chapter. ^_^

~PEACE~
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Just one part I'm confused on... You have the main Pokémon say that it was just born an hour ago, but in the next part, you have it say that it was born not near a full moon ago. That was just confusing.

Also, you have the mother pick all the babies up by the neck. Then in the next sentence, you say that the babies all have to run. What's up with that?

It's a prologue that I like. I'm just going to have to see how the rest of the story goes.

Oh, and I'm with litestars on the guess.
 

Bay

YEAHHHHHHH
Very good prologue. Like the way you put the character's thoughts in it. [SPOIL]I think the character is a Growlithe. (Yeah, look at your avatar and the banner in the Author's profiles).[/SPOIL]

I did find one mistake:

I looked back at the Pecha Berry tree. It's beautiful scarlet bark had been reduced to a coal black. All the rosy-pink berries had also joined its fate; they had turned into a pile of coal black ashes, and nothing more. The smell of something burning was in the air, as sooty, dancing smoke rose into the air. The smoke choked me and smarted my eyes. I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't feel anything. The world began to blur, as my dizzying vision worsened. I thought about the Zigzagoon, and where they where. Had they met the same fate as the beautiful Pecha Berry tree? I hoped not.

I think it was suppose to be "were" or "are".

I will be coming back for the first chapter!
 

Hakura May

Xin Nian Dao!
Yep. Told you it would be easy. XP I should have put Poochyena. o_O

Thanks for the reviews, everyone! ^-^' I'll fix all those mistakes.
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
This very good, Tavion! A definate improvement to Pheonix Feathers, well done!

I quite liked your first person, it is very effective and you pulled it off well. I guessed it was a [spoil]Growlithe[/spoil], for you talked about their warmth, saying that the character felt sorry for the Zigzagoon. (Ok, I also looked at your avvie and banner. XD)

I am guessing that they are being chased by hunters? A commonly used concept, but that is fine, as long as you add your own sparkle, which it seems like you have. :) No repetition, which is great, and most of your spelling and grammer is fine. I did notice a few mistakes, most ironed out by the other reviewers, but there is still one...

but I seemingly tripped more than I ran.

'Seemingly' Just doesn't look right. erhaps change it to 'Seemed'? Perhaps put 'I seemed to trip more than I ran' Instead, it flows better in my opinion. :)

Like I said, this is a definate improvement! Keep up the good work! :)
 
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