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Roar! [G - oneshot]

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by はるひ, Sep 20, 2012.

  1. Rating: G contains for fighting
    Fandom: Pokemon
    Characters: Jupiter, a skuntank
    Genre: random story
    Status: completed
    By: Gothitelle K
    Comments: I had an idea about writing a story about the move roar and how it can be used to scare people. And then this came along...

    ‘The sun is shining, the birds are chirping…’

    A girl was standing on top of the grass hill with a smirk on her face as she watched other people, gijinkas and Pokemon play and socialize around the hill. There were also people on the hill itself as there were people also looking over the top as well. The humid wind was gently blowing as the leaves from the trees were floating in different places. The atmosphere of White Forest was perfect, as it was mostly a peaceful forest, for training Pokemon since there was a lot of grass space. The young woman stood there on the hill, holding her purple and white skunk Pokemon in her arms.

    She stroked her Pokemon’s fur as she just looked at the sky. The wind was blowing through her bangs as the sun started to get brighter and hotter. The young woman started to get uncomfortable as her skin felt as if it were about to melt off her bones. Sweat was starting to run down her forehead as she had to put her skuntank back on the ground.

    “Ew, it’s getting hot up here,” the girl said gruffly as she smiled at her Pokemon. “Let’s go back to our shady spot.”

    Motioning for her skuntank to follow her, the girl ran down the hill as the slope allowed her to pick up speed as she went down. When she went down the hill, the girl walked towards the left side of the forest, near the tree she was last sitting at. The tree was in their sights. It had a thick bark, almost as wide as a rectangular dinner table. It had many leaves and branches on the top, even though some leaves were fluttering about in the breeze. On the side of the tree was a white bag, with the brownish yellow letter G on the front and a red ribbon tied to the strap.

    However as she got closer, she noticed that two other people were already in her spot. Two girls to be exact, one teenager and the other in her early thirties and both redheads. The younger girl had on an outfit that made her look similar to a spaceman. She had on a small white and gray hooped dress with dark gray striped leggings. The older girl she was playing with just had on a plain white long dress with a split at the bottom. Both girls also had logos on their clothes, the younger had that same letter G as the young woman had on her bag on the corner. The older woman had a red letter R on the corner of her dress.

    The woman grimaced at the two girls as she slowly walked toward them. ‘They ougta look where they sit before making themselves comfortable!’ she thought as she came up to them and tapped the younger girl on her shoulder. The girl turned around and looked up at the pink haired woman with a scowl on her face. As soon as she locked eyes with her, the red head crosses her arms.

    “What do you want, Jupiter?” the young girl asked with attitude. “Can’t you see that Ariana and I are trying to begin training?”

    “Training? Mars, you and Ariana are both still going to be laughingly weak no matter what,” Jupiter said smugly. “Anyway, this is my spot! Take Ariana and leave!”

    Ariana looked around the tree as if she were looking for something. Her ruby reds scanned the ground and bark as a big smirk grew on her face. She then scratched her chin as she turned around to face the pink haired girl, who still had a scowl on her face.

    “Hmm, I don’t see your name on it,” Ariana said gruffly. “But cute though. It’s cute that you are insulting us. We’re sorry that we are not as strong and pretty as you are. Get over it girly.”

    As soon as she heard what she said, Jupiter’s skuntank started to slam her head against the grass floor repeatedly. Jupiter rolled her eyes as she stormed over to the side of the tree and picked up her bag. As soon as she came back in front of the girls, she looked down at her Pokemon and giggled as she softly nudged her with her foot, motioning for her to stop.

    “You see this? This is my bag and it was on the side I was sitting before I was away,” the pink haired girl explained. “Come on girls, even my skuntank knows you are stupid and pathetic. Know your place little girls and MOVE!”

    Before Mars was about to yell at her, Ariana put her arm in front of the girl, motioning for her not to do anything crazy.

    “Little girls? Mars maybe shy of eighteen but I’m thirty two, which makes me eleven years older than you,” the older woman said smugly. “And I’m a Team Rocket executive and a high ranking one so I’ll do what I want!”

    “Besides, Saturn is the only person in the world who can tell me what I can and cannot do,” Mars interjected. “You just shut up around me, okay?”

    Jupiter was getting angrier and angrier at the moment. Her fists were clenching as she just closed her eyes tight and wondered what else to say. These frustrating girls were wasting her time and were somewhere where they weren’t supposed to be. ‘If only there was some way to get these little girls to comply…’ she thought. While doing so, her Pokemon was rubbing her head against her trainer’s leg in attempt to comfort her. Jupiter looked down at her skuntank as in that moment; a huge sly grin grew upon her face. She knew exactly what to do now…

    “Okay, I guess if I can’t convince you to leave, I’ll make you leave,” Jupiter said with a smile.

    “Heh! How are you going to make us leave?” Ariana giggled as Mars joined in with her. “You cannot tell us what to do.”

    “Skuntank, use roar,” the pink haired woman commanded gruffly.

    The purple skunk inched up to the two girls as they both looked down at her, anticipating on her making a move. She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes, she let out a roar that was similar to a lion’s roar. With piercing eyes, she did it so loud it that others in the forest were looking over at the ruckus. Jupiter actually had to use her fingers to cover her ears as she smiled at the sight of Mars and Ariana cowering in fear.

    The girls shook in fear at the Pokemon roared in their faces. Mars clenched to Ariana while the older woman was practically shaking. They looked up at Jupiter as she was enjoying the fear in their eyes. In a few seconds of standing, they ended up screaming and fleeing the scene, taking their bags with them. When her skuntank finished, Jupiter applauded as she smirked at Mars and Ariana running in fear. Both were screaming loudly as Mars was shouting out Saturn a few times.

    “Hmph! Braaavooo!” Jupiter exclaimed as she went toward the tree and proceeded to sit down and lean against the bark. “You really are my lucky star, are you?”

    When the girl sat down, her Pokemon came over to her and proceeded to sit on her lap. While Jupiter ran her fingers through her Pokemon’s fur, she giggled some more. She couldn’t believe what she just did and now if she were ever bothered, she’d know what to do. She was so glad she got her shade back for the most part as she closed her eyes lightly for little bit. Jupiter was enjoying her time with her skuntank… until the girls came back. This time, with two angry men in front of them.

    Roar… in the wild, the battle ends and the user is victorious! Sometimes…
  2. Chibi_Muffin

    Chibi_Muffin Smart Cookie

    Again, here by request.

    When it comes to personality, this is much better! Jupiter certainly seems sly and smug enough to play the part, a big improvement from the Bump story. Mars and Ariana also seem to be very much in character, being more confrontational and confident. It's a bit weird that they run off at the end, but this could be said to be comedic and an interpretation of how Roar works in game, so it isn't too bad. Overall, I'd say it's definitely right on track for the characters.

    The plot also seemed pretty decent. It's rather simple, but it's a one shot, so you can get away with it. However, why were Mars and Ariana training together? They're from rival teams. I think an explanation would be good. In addition, they are said to be playing at the start, which makes them sound kiddy. If they're training, maybe this could be described another way - such as mentioning some of their Pokemon?

    The description is very good, as always, and I didn't see any noticeable typos either. However, you still referred to the characters being girls in the description, when they're too old for that, especially Ariana. I do see some attempts to avoid this, just try to keep doing it more, okay?

    Also, and this isn't really a good/bad point, it's interesting to see gijinkas mentioned. It makes me curious as to how they work in this universe. I presume it's to do with the Palkia story and that version of them?

    To sum up, there's still a little improvement to make with characterisation and description, but it is much better than your previous attempts. I, for one, can now reasonably believe that you're writing about some version of Jupiter. Hope this review has answered your questions!
  3. yayyy thank you thank youuuu XD

    Yeah both the Palkia story and any works I make like this are all in the same universe. Tho the screaming wasn't meant to be funny. they were generality afraid which is why at the end, Jupiter was confronted by Saturn and Archer :p

    Oh and I see Mars and Ariana as best friends and in this universe they have stuff in common which drew them closer. They both have the same bully that bothers them (yes Jupiter bullies Ariana to and did it ever since she and Mars became friends), they are both told many times that they are weak, they both have mates who will stick up for them, they both like to train their Pokemon together etc.

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