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Rocket Frontier (Revamp)

Sweet Pinpuku

Happy Happiny
Here it is, once again, totally redone, totally revamped, so totally 110% better than ever before, so just totally read it, rate it, review it and love it cos you know you want to ;)

CHAPTER 00 ~ FAMILY

Hello.

My name is Kimi Mair, I am eighteen and my favourite colour is green, mostly because I adore my emerald eyes, my best feature if I do say so. I have an older sister called Mimi and my parents, Alma and Frank, have been married for just twenty short years.

My sister was always the best at everything. Always. When I first starting walking, she starting talking, which was naturally more interesting than walking in the eyes of my parents. When I got my pet Ralts, she caught a Budew, which was obviously cuter as it was a baby and it was an actual capture. When I left to challenge the Hoenn Elite Four, she left to compete in the Johto Grand Festival, which was so much more spectacular, thrilling and, dare I repeat it, challenging than simple battling.

To be fair though, I understood why my parents favoured her - she was oldest and didn’t want to pay too much attention to me and leave her left out because, understandably, that would be unfair on her. They didn't want to put all their attention on to me, the proverbial baby and leave her feeling unloved. Unfortunately, their plan didn’t work out so well seeing since I was the one who was left out! I guess it's harder than most think to find that perfect balance.

I had started my journey in Johto when I was eleven - I started my journey a year late because I wanted time to bond with my Chikorita - and made it to the Silver Conference, but was knocked out far too quickly. I was coming on thirteen by the time I got home and spent the next three years just training all of my Pokémon, which by this point consisted of Gardevoir, Meganium, Furret, Lanturn, Delibird and Pichu. When I was sixteen, my family and I moved to Littleroot Town in Hoenn and, by the time I was seventeen, I was already on my way to the Hoenn League with a brand new team... I left them all behind except Gardevoir and my love, my Pichu. While, yes, my sister had travelled too, mum and dad were always watching her Contests on television and not caring about Gym Badges, which they figured were "just for show". However, that all changed though once the Hoenn Elite Four graciously accepted my challenge and she was knocked out of the Hoenn Grand Festival in the final round hehehe... I really shouldn't laugh at her misfortune, it's really not a nice thing to do... hehe... he...

Anyways, she went back home and I carried on with my now current party of six Pokémon - Pichu, Shellos, Gardevoir, Gligar, Politoed and Tangela - to Evergrande City where I was to challenge the Hoenn Elite Four.

The Hoenn Elite four consisted of four members (surprise, surprise) and a champion. You had to beat one to go onto the next one and beat him or her to fight the third and you get the idea. The members were:

Harmony McBride - she preferred Dark types but didn’t really specify in a particular type, which was often regarded as quite controversial.
Fred Flowers - a camp Poison trainer who attempts to manipulate his foes with double-talk, mind games and status effects.
Stella Stone - daughter of a former Champion, specialises in Steel types to conform with her father's wishes although she prefers Fire types.
Juan Arits III - a posh dude who fights with the illusions of Water types.

They were said to be like family - all of them lived together in Evergrande Mansion, waiting for challengers to challenge them. I wished my family had been that close. As soon as we could, Mimi and I were out the door, going in separate directions, aiming for different goals, dreaming different dreams. Although Mimi and I did not travel together, we kept in regular contact and met up whenever we could. We agreed to travel the Battle Frontier together after I defeat the Hoenn Elite Four. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted to travel with her.

When I first reached Slateport City, I took the ferry to Olivine and spent a week with her. That was bad enough. To travel with her for months, maybe even several years... I wasn’t too sure how happy I was about this. Plus, I was so much more used to travelling alone... I suppose it could be good to travel with her, I mean, when we met up in Slateport it was like meeting an old friend who I hadn't seen for so long and had missed terribly. Guess we're actually a lot closer than I care to admit... it won't be so bad... will it?

Anyway, anyway, anyway!

Now, here I was, in the stadium, awaiting my challenge's real beginning...

Wish me luck?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Chapter List:
Chapter 00 ~ Family
Chapter 01 ~ Harmony In Darkness
Chapter 02 ~ My Darkening Reflection
Chapter 03 ~ Losing To The Blue

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Main Characters
() = in storage
Kimi Mair
Meganium
Furret
Lanturn
Delibrid
Gardevoir
Pichu
Shellos
Gligar
Politoed
Tangela

Mimi Mair
Budew

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, what did ya'll think of the redone Prologue? I know it's not vastly different, it has had minor changes, mostly more added to it than anything else so don't worry at all if you've never read the original ^.^

Hope to see ya'll next week for Chapter 01: Harmony In Darkness

*cookies*
 
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1# manga fan!

2 Year Veteran
It really pulls the reader in and makes them seem in contact with the main charector of the story. It over all was a good story for it just being the prologue. But please don't write the rest of the story in a sequence of events like that. add more detail and give more of an explanation of why her sister is so unbearible to be around.

Oh and sorry but I'm not going to proff read it for all your spelling errors. Mabey someone else will do that for you.

Over all a story that shows promise. I will be sure to check this again later.
 

ArtekOublier

A balance...
Good luck Kimi! :D

First, just a couple of spelling , possibly grammatical errors:

I had started my journey in Johto when I was eleven - i started my journey a year late because I wanted time to bond with my Chikorita

Just a mistake in non-capitalisation, just after the dash.

We agreed to travel the Battle Frontier together after I defeat the Hoenn Elite Four.

Defeat seems like it's present tense looking towards the future, when most of this is her recalling events. However to say "defeated" even seems wrong, you may have to choose another word, but it's up to you.

Anyway, I've waited for a bit to read this and I'm glad I have and I'll be keeping with it. This Prologue seems like a nice diary or journal entry, which gives it a nice sense of honesty in Kimi. You know she's not going to "sugar-coat" anything. I like that and I think I'll like her.
Right from the start you feel that she's been in her sister's shadow and she's just had enough, so when Mimi fails and she succeeds you feel it's either a strange way at revenge, for something that's not really Mimi's fault, or you feel so glad for Kimi that you're thinking "YES!", lol.

Parental wise I guess it is difficult to strike a complete balance, but there was no balance at all, in how they loved their daughters. And saying that Gym Battles were just for show...*sighs*...contests are sometimes more for show, perhaps with a bit of alterior technique thrown in, but I mean for battles sometimes you need that too in order to overcome a foe. They were unfair is what I'm trying to say, he he. I may not like their parents. However, I do feel some sympathy for Mimi for getting knocked out of the Grand Festival, their parents maybe just pushed her to far that perhaps nerves played a part. Also, maybe she was thinking "Why me, why do I get all the attention" she was perhaps thinking of her sister and how unbelievably unfair it has been on her.

Kimi may just have to put up with her sister and work out their differences even though they seem like total opposites. Sometimes opposites attract and sometimes they don't, we'll just have to see.

I like her team, especially Gardevoir, lol. It'll be nice to see what else Mimi has and what else Kimi and her will get.

Can't wait for the next Chapter...*phew*...what a Prologue!

*accepts cookies*
 

Sweet Pinpuku

Happy Happiny
Thank you both for your wonderful comments ^.^

@ #1 manga fan ~ the rest of the story won't be written like that, don't worry, that was just a brief synopsis of Kimi's life so far to allow you to connect with her before the real story begins ^.^

@ Artek ~ The shift key on my mouse doesn't work properly so you can expect more mistakes like that, I tried combing for all of them, but obviously I missed some XD

The tense changes a bit as we approach the kind-of present, which is her battling the E4, but it will probably be mostly past tense throughout the fic, if you notice any other moments like that (as well as spelling mistakes) please don't hesistate in pointing them out, thank you ^.^


Laterna said:
mum and dad were always watching her Contests on television and not caring about Gym Badges, which they figured were "just for show".

You notice, actually, what was said that it was the Badges that they felt were for show, not the battles themselves. What had been said at another point in the chapter was that their parents felt that Contests were more spectacular, thrilling and challenging than simple battling. Yes, there is a strategic element in regular battles, but not to the same degree as there is in Contests because there is more to consider. However, I will say, you will get to see just how complicated "simple battles" can be ;)

I hope to see you both again when Chapter 01 gets posted, which will be earlier than previously planned ^.^
 

ArtekOublier

A balance...
Thanks for pointing out my mistakes too ^^

I believe , although contests have that flare to them, that battles can be just as difficult depeneding on who your opponent is. I'd prefer both actually if the Pokémon was real.

And don't worry, I will point out if if theres any spelling mistakes, just something you get to notice when reading through stories online.

Can't wait for the next chapter ^^

ps. Hope you like my signature Wink
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
Not bad for a prologue. Entertaining, to say the least, but you seem to be a bit rusty. No matter, lets get to the reviewing.

Anyways, she went back home and I carried on with my now current party of six Pokémon - Pichu, Shellos, Gardevoir, Gligar, Politoed and Tangela - to Evergrande City where I was to challenge the Hoenn Elite Four.

That team is absolutely pathetic if it were to challenge the Elite Four. I mean, come on SP, only two of them are evolved. The fact that Kimi even made it to the Elite Four with that team is absolutely mindboggling.

Harmony McBride - she preferred Dark types but didn’t really specify in a particular type, which was often regarded as quite controversial.
Fred Flowers - a camp Poison trainer who attempts to manipulate his foes with double-talk, mind games and status effects.
Stella Stone - daughter of a former Champion, specialises in Steel types to conform with her father's wishes although she prefers Fire types.
Juan Arits III - a posh dude who fights with the illusions of Water types.

These guys really should be described more, they're kind of thrown into the story and then left out to dry. You really only use them to say that they were a better family than Kimi and Mimi's.

They were said to be like family - all of them lived together in Evergrande Mansion, waiting for challengers to challenge them. I wished my family had been that close. As soon as we could, Mimi and I were out the door, going in separate directions, aiming for different goals, dreaming different dreams. Although Mimi and I did not travel together, we kept in regular contact and met up whenever we could. We agreed to travel the Battle Frontier together after I defeat the Hoenn Elite Four. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted to travel with her.

When I first reached Slateport City, I took the ferry to Olivine and spent a week with her. That was bad enough. To travel with her for months, maybe even several years... I wasn’t too sure how happy I was about this. Plus, I was so much more used to travelling alone...

Now, here I was, in the stadium, awaiting my challenge's real beginning...

Wait, what? What happened to the Elite Four Challenge? Where are they? Where is the Battle Frontier? Is it in Kanto or its own island? Why are Mimi and Kimi traveling together if they can't stand each other's presence? Why is Mimi going to the Battle Frontier if she is a coordinator?

You see SP? This part was rushed, devoid of description and elaboration, and incredibly vauge. Its full of multiple plot holes and things you must have ignored or forgotten about.

I think you rushed into this a little too quickly, you're a tad rusty. You need to up your description skills (I get its a prolouge, but come on) and take your time. Pace yourself, like you did in the good old days. I loved Rockt Frontier, but I would really like to see it in its glory again, and that probably means another rewrite of the prologue. Or, you can proceed with the chapters, but you need to work on what I said, and fix the prologue later. Nethertheless, I am thrilled to see this back up and running. PM me with updates.
 

Sweet Pinpuku

Happy Happiny
That team is absolutely pathetic if it were to challenge the Elite Four. I mean, come on SP, only two of them are evolved. The fact that Kimi even made it to the Elite Four with that team is absolutely mindboggling.

Bear in mind, at the point of the original writing, Tangela didn't even have an evolved form confirmed yet. Also, evolved doesn't mean stronger, plenty of non-evolved Pokémon can be incredible, this story isn't just a carbon copy of the games you know (quote - anime - Pikachu, Lapras, Snorlax, Bayleef, Torkoal, Grotle). Also, I'm not gonna have her with a full compliment of evolved Pokémon for the entire fic, I want to give them room for development and growth. Also, as stated in the Prologue, she has another four at home (Meganium, Lanturn, Furret and Delibird) so you can't base it just on those six.

These guys really should be described more, they're kind of thrown into the story and then left out to dry. You really only use them to say that they were a better family than Kimi and Mimi's.

That's kinda the point though, they are just there to show how close Mimi and Kimi could be. Also, I'm not gonna give them huge descriptions here, this is just a general start to the fic to ease you into Kimi's character. Also, bear in mind, this is all from Kimi's perspective - she doesn't know what they look like, she's never met them so how could she possibly tell you how they look? She only has what little information she has told us in the Prologue. Obviously she's going to challenge the E4 so I'm not gonna describe them all here and then repeat all in the next chapter, you know?

Wait, what? What happened to the Elite Four Challenge? Where are they? Where is the Battle Frontier? Is it in Kanto or its own island? Why are Mimi and Kimi traveling together if they can't stand each other's presence? Why is Mimi going to the Battle Frontier if she is a coordinator?

This Prologue, and the entire fic as you know, is all from Kimi's perspective, she's spouting her thoughts as she thinks them. The Slateport segment was in reference to her thoughts on travelling with her sister. The Elite Four challenge wasn't just forgotten about two seconds after it came up, she was just reminiscing, you know? As to your other questions - all in good time, give the fic a chance to actually start before you start wanting the full story. This is just the Prologue, it's not meant to have tonnes of detail and info about every thing, especially things that have yet to come up. Give Kimi a chance to get by her E4 challenge before moving on to what comes after. As stated in the Prologue, they are going to the Battle Frontier after Kimi's E4 challenge so there's no point in detailling where the BF is until then, until it is relevant, alright?

But I will give you your dues - you came up with some good points, good questions and this is a great discussion. I am gonna change part of the Prologue to explain why Kimi has decided to go with Mimi, but I don't want this small segment to become a full-blown chapter itself, that's not its purpose.


You see SP? This part was rushed, devoid of description and elaboration, and incredibly vauge. Its full of multiple plot holes and things you must have ignored or forgotten about.

It is meant to be devoid of description, it's done intentionally in order to make people wonder "hmm, I wonder what that is" and allow them to develop their own theories and thoughts before seeing the real deal and getting to see if they were right, you know? It's the same as in a tv show or something - you don't get all the holes filled straight away, that would defeat the purpose of grabbing the audiences attention.

I get that it's not perfect and that it's vague, but there's nothing in it to describe, this is all in Kimi's head, just her talking to us. We see what she sees and, as you know, that was one of the main parts of Rocket Frontier overall was that it was all her, in her head, her thoughts in the moment laid bare as if she were recounting her life-story to us.

I really do appreciate your comments and thoughts, I will be honest in saying that I felt you were being a tad harsh, but I like harsh :D and graciously accept any and all feedback and criticisms, thank you ^.^ I really enjoyed explaining all that, I really enjoy discussions like this cos it gets me all fired up to do 100 times better on the next chapter. I will tell you that I haven't gone to any massive trouble to change loads of things, just wanted the main plot to take less twists and turns cos it was tying me in knots lol

@ Artek ~ Thank you for your comments too, I do understand what you are saying and I do agree that some battles (anime style) can be very difficult (case in point - Ash VS Fantina), but in a Contest there are a lot of other factors to consider (how your Pokémon looks, how the move looks, etc) that aren't present in Gym Battles and the likes.

Thank you both once again for your encouraging words, you've both really got me raring to go and get the next chapter posted :D:D:D but I'm gonna hold off just a few more days to see if any more replies roll in ^.^

Questions for all - do you think I should post a preview of the next chapter? Also, should I add preliminary chapter titles to the contents page as a tiny spoiler and guessing game for what's to come?

*cookies*
 
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asperger1981

good reader
Questions for all - do you think I should post a preview of the next chapter? Also, should I add preliminary chapter titles to the contents page as a tiny spoiler and guessing game for what's to come?

Not unless you're planning to delete the old version, which in my dictionary would be a great no no, comrade.

The only important mess I can detect is that the mockery related to Mimi's defeat was eliminated from this version of your story.

Big mistake, seriously. Some little vengeful mockery is something to which one can relate way too well in too many cultures, at least at an individual level, don't you think
 
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Sweet Pinpuku

Happy Happiny
The only important mess I can detect is that the mockery related to Mimi's defeat was eliminated from this version of your story.

Big mistake, seriously. Some little vengeful mockery is something to which one can relate way too well in too many cultures, at least at an individual level, don't you think

It took a lot of thought on whether or not to include that or to take it out, something that I toyed with constantly during the original writing of this anyways... it was a difficult decision to include it because I didn't want Kimi to be so nasty towards her sister in that respect because Mimi wouldn't do that to her, I feel knowing her character as well as I do... but at the same time, given Kimi's feelings of resentment towards her sister, it made sense to include it.

My reasoning on the rewrite was to not include it because I had included it in the original, that way I got to see the reactions to both versions and then discover which one was best (in this case, the original), so I'll go and edit that back in to it ^.^

Thank you for your comments *cookies*
 

ArtekOublier

A balance...
TBH SP I don't think you should post any previews. For someone who's just starting to read it, I think personally that it would spoil it too much for me. But it's not up to me it's up to you. Go with whatever you feel, I say.

SP has mentioned Manaphyman to me a few times, so it's nice to see another name I know. I can agree with both sides of the argument or debate that you both present. It is SP's story after all, I think MM you're maybe just being a little picky. But I can also see what you're saying. I can also see what SP is saying in not giving away too much as it's only a prologue, not a full blown chapter, and so in that case I guess he's right.
I however will be following this story regardless, having missed out on reading it the first time I wanna delve into in completely this time and see where it takes me.

Hey there asperger ^^

Anyway keep them comin' hun ^^ can't wait for the next chapter ^^
 
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Manaphyman

Up all night
SP has mentioned Manaphyman to me a few times, so it's nice to see another name I know. I can agree with both sides of the argument or debate that you both present. It is SP's story after all, I think MM you're maybe just being a little picky. But I can also see what you're saying. I can also see what SP is saying in not giving away too much as it's only a prologue, not a full blown chapter, and so in that case I guess he's right.
I however will be following this story regardless, having missed out on reading it the first time I wanna delve into in completely this time and see where it takes me.

Oh, there isnt any argument or debate here. I just thought it was a weak prologue/cop out. I've seen SP and his prior work for years now, and to be honest, I think that was better. Then again, we've only seen a prologue, so its way too soon to tell. I was expecting more of a "bang" so to speak, especially for a rewrite. I may just be a little picky, but I want whats best for SP and the fic, and to me, a stronger prologue and a kick *** first chapter are neccessary for its ultimate advancement.

I wouldn't say I was harsh, although if I came off as such. I was trying to convey my point that this is a rewrite, and thus you have a blank slate. I would try to use it to your upmost advantage.

EDIT: Oh, and its nice to be mentioned. Nice to meet you :]
 

lugia*master

Cheese XD
I like where this is going, but the first chapter wasn't much like a... chapter. prologue, sorry. it was a bit rushed, and sounded like it was being read out of a children's book.
 

Sweet Pinpuku

Happy Happiny
Chapter 01 ~ Harmony In Darkness

@ Artek ~ I agree with you on the previews thing, I'll shelf that idea ^.^

@ Manaphyman ~ I agree with you too, on the fact that, yes, I probably could have done better, I was worried more on its length than anything else and didn't want it to become a full-blown chapter, which may have actually served me better.

@ both of you ~ thank you both for your comments and support in that wee discussion ^.^ it's great to see you all get so involved in this *cookies*

@ lugia*master ~ thanks for your comments and criticisms; I will say that this was far from rushed, I spent a long time, longer than other chapters, working on this and I personally feel that was the main issue, looking back on everyone's points - I think I just over-worked it so it's best just to make any changes that are still needing done and move on to Chapter 01:


Chapter 01 ~ Harmony In Darkness

I travelled alone. I do realise that I had my Pokémon with me, but I had no human friends to keep me company. I mean, I talked to my Pokémon and got advice from them and help whenever I needed it, but it didn’t compare to having an actual person. I know considerable advancements have been made between human and Pokémon relationships over the years but some people, like myself, need a human being to talk to.


“Presenting the challenger,” a man wearing a blue stripy top called out, “Kimi Mair!”

So, there I stood in a giant circular stadium. It was almost completely dark - all I could see was the glowing white outline of the battlefield and the woman who stood on the opposite side of it, staring at me with eerie white eyes.
Her name was Harmony (such a bright name for a dark woman). She wore a plain black shirt and black jeans with black shows and black lipstick and black eye-shadow and black and black and black… so very dull. There was no excitement in her at all. The only interesting feature was that she was so amazingly plain.
Me? Oh, you wanna know what I was wearing? Ok… I was standing in my fabulous green jeans - they’re fabulous because, at the top, they’re myrtle and slowly fade to white as they reach my feet - held up by a yellow belt. I was also wearing a tight fitting yellow shirt (it really helps show off my figure, although I’m not really interested in such things... yeah right!). My shoes were white (to go with the bottom of my jeans) with bright green laces. My hair, blonde like my sister's, although I keep mine shoulder length and tied back (I use a green ribbon for that if you didn’t already guess) to keep it out of my face. Well, that’s me. I’m not too into my looks - I look good naturally.

Anyways, back to the stadium. As I said, it was really dark, all I could see was the outline of the battlefield and the people in it. Everything else was in complete utter darkness. It was quite frightening.

“Are you ready to begin?” Harmony asked as her eyes opened half an inch, her voice sliding off her lips no louder than a whisper.

Oh my God, her voice was even boring!

“Yes,” I replied chirpily, but nervously.

Harmony picked up a small red and white orb from her black belt. She pressed a button on the front and it enlarged. She tossed it onto her half of the battlefield.
The ball hit the ground and bounced a little and then rolled some and stopped dead.
We all stood staring at it for the longest time. Everything seemed so much slower when surrounded by infinite darkness.

“Send out your Pokémon,” the dark woman said silently.

“What about yours?” I asked, my voice shaking a little.

“She will emerge at her leisure,” Harmony smiled a little. “You’re afraid. I like it," she licked her lips

Creepy.
I thought it fitting to begin my first Elite Four battle with the last Pokémon I caught. I pulled a PokéBall from my belt. I pressed the button to make it grow and threw it out onto the battlefield.
It hit the ground and bounced back into the air, opening midway. The ball only opened a little and the white energy snaked out and swirled down towards the ground. The ball flew back to my hand where it stayed.
The energy continued to circle and then grow taller and fatter, taking on the shape of an orb with many strands of hair sprouting and coiling around it until it was completely enveloped by it. Suddenly, two short feet popped out to keep it standing. Then the colour flooded in.
The vines that entangled the black became a bright green (nice) and the feet, which were actually boots, were a red. As the colours finished showing, a bunch of bright stars danced around it and vanished.

“Alright Tangela!” I cheered. “Let’s show this girl what we’re made of!”

“Alright!” he cried confidently.

He’d changed so much since I first met him...
When I reached Lilycove City (big place, huge shopping centre, lovely), I took the ferry back to Olivine City (dull beyond the lighthouse) to spend a few days with my sister, Mimi. We were out having a picnic and, suddenly, this green bush bounded past us, screaming. He was being chased by a very angry group of youngsters, who claimed he had stolen food from them. Tangela told us, through my Gardevoir, what had happened - they had stolen the food and they were using him as a scapegoat and were so hunting him down! My blonde sister immediately felt sorry for him and took his side (simply to look good). She battled for his safety fiercely with her Lickitung (pink, huge tongue, she loves it) and easily crushed the boys.
Tangy’s confidence had been totally shattered by the experience, he was an absolute wreck in battles, feeling like he couldn’t do anything but lose. On our way to Sootopolis City (built in a dead volcano, says it all really) we made a stop at a place called Torus Island (basically a tourist resort built in memory of the old Battle Frontier), which is a good spot for beginning trainers to learn all the basics of battling. I transferred all of my Pokémon, except Gardevoir, back to Professor Birch’s and took on a rookie trainer and his Poliwag. Being a Grass type, Tangela made quick work of them. We kept that up for a few days and eventually took on a tougher trainer. We didn’t win but Tangela was very brave and felt better for it. He’s worked really hard since then and has steadily built up his confidence. Sometimes though, he can be a little too confident.

“Feeling confident are you?” Harmony s******ed, practically reading my mind. “Come on out now girl, don’t be shy,” she said to the ball lying on the battlefield.

It began to shake, slowly at first, and then violently, jumping into the air just as the same white light exploded from it! Tangela jumped back towards me in fear. I covered my eyes to avoid looking at the light - it was so bright, I could make out the shape of the walls. Looking closely I could make out my reflection. It then hit me that we were in a room full of mirrors!
I turned my attention back to the battlefield - the Pokémon staring across from me was an Umbreon. It was a furry black fox-like creature with yellow rings covering its body. Its red eyes gleamed and its fur seemed to shimmer. I know it was really dark and I was kinda freaked out, but I swear to God its rings were glowing.

“There you are my girl,” Harmony smiled again.

She seemed a little more upbeat. It was quite odd and just a tad unnerving, mostly because I had no idea what it was exactly that was perking her up.

“This battle will by a simple four-on-four match, the challenger may make substitutions if she wishes, Harmony shall not,” the judge said.

I’ll let you make the first move,” Harmony smiled.

“Alright!” I smiled. “Tangela, begin with Mega Drain!” I ordered.

“Nice!” my green plant agreed.

Little balls of yellow light flew from the black orb at the core of Tangela’s green body. They danced towards Umbreon and passed through her body, sapping her energy and swirling back to Tangela. Umbreon grunted a little as she watched Tangela get a bit powered up by her energy.

“Umbreon, use Confuse Ray!” Harmony commanded.

Umbreon’s red eyes began to glow and a large orb of red light spiralled towards my Tangela. It spun round him several times before dissipating. Tangela’s tangled green vines began to move on their own a little and he tripped over his own feet, slamming himself hard against the ground.

“Come on Tangela!” I called out. “Shake it off!”

It was no good. Tangela was moving about uncontrollably - falling and jumping, twisting and turning in just about every way possible. This was a complete disaster, my first battle against the first member of the Hoenn Elite Four was off to a terrible and embarrassing start.

“Okay! Now, my girl,” the dark woman smiled, “use Mean Look!”

Umbreon's sparkling red eyes fixated on Tangela. He stopped moving, mesmerized by her stare. I was certain I saw a bolt of light pass from her to him.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Are you sure you deserve to be here?” Harmony flicked her hair back.

What did she mean?

“You don’t even know the attacks of the Pokémon you’re facing, how pathetic,” the depressingly depressed woman laughed.

I gritted my teeth. How much I wanted to go over there and punch her. I worked so hard to get here and I was not about to let her get in my way.

“Tangela!” I shouted.

Tangela regained his focus and control, obviously drawing from my own focus and control.

“Use Bind!” I pointed at Umbreon. “Don’t let her get away!”

Tangela hopped towards Umbreon and gently extended his vines very slowly, it was quite frightening in its own strange way.

“Hahahaha!” Harmony giggled. “Is that supposed to frighten me?”

Well, I would've found it frightening anyway, but I smiled as I was not the one of the receiving end of the attack. Harmony ordered her Umbreon to remain still, probably waiting to jump away at the last second... she was way too over-confident. She gasped as the green vines suddenly sped up, wrapping themselves around the black fox, tangling around her body, completely immobilising her.

“What?” I grinned. “Surprised?”

“Umbreon!” Harmony called out. “Get out of that Bind!”

I could see she was getting angry. I thought it might be oddly terrifying for her, feeling so perfectly in control for the first part of the battle and then to suddenly lose that control.

“Tangela, darling?” I asked. “Why don’t you use Tickle while your vines are right there?”

“HAHA!” he laughed in agreement.

The ends of his vines rubbed Umbreon’s fur gently but furiously. Umbreon began to smile, and then giggle, and then laugh hysterically.

“Umbreon! No!” Harmony jumped up and down in anger.

“Hehehe!” I laughed.

“Stop it!” Harmony screamed.

I stopped laughing and Tangela stopped the tickling, we both stared at the dark woman dumbly.

“This is a serious battle!” Harmony bellowed across the battlefield. “What? You think you can come on in here and win with kiddie moves like that? Start acting like a grown-up, serious trainer!”

“It’s an attack so he can use it.” I said matter-of-factly, folding my arms. “If you can’t accept it, maybe you shouldn’t be a member of the Hoenn Elite four,” I winked.

Harmony shut her mouth, clenched her fists and gritted her teeth. I was more than certain I could hear her growling. I smiled again, finally feeling that things were going right again.

“Kimi!” Tangela shouted. “How’s about we do get serious and show this witch what we’re made of?”

“Alright!” I agreed. “Let’s finish off with Slam!”

Tangela raised Umbreon up into the air.

“No,” Harmony said silently, sensing that this would be the final hit after that Tickle attack.

Then threw her down onto the ground. Umbreon grunted as her ribs smashed into the floor.

“Don’t,” the dark woman continued, this would too much for her darling to take, especially with her defences completely down.

Tangela then got as close as he could, raised himself up on his vines up as high as they would allow and came crashing down onto Umbreon with all his weight. He seemed to bounce lightly off her and land delicately, with his vines slowly untangling her and returning to the nest the surrounded his black body.

After a few moments, the Judge raised his hand closest to me, “Umbreon is unable to battle, Tangela wins the round!”

“Umbreon return,” Harmony sighed, her blonde hair covering her eyes.]

The top trainer pulled the PokéBall back out and a beam of red light shot from it, hitting Umbreon and pulling her back into the ball.

“Now you’ve really asked for it!” She snarled, lifting her head up to show me her anger in full and pulled another ball from her belt. “I choose you, Murkrow!”

The ball flashed open. I caught a glimpse of a figure on my right as the walls were temporarily illuminated. Were here other people here, watching the battle or was it just a trick of the mind in the shadows? I closed my eyes and shook my head - it must've been my imagination.
The white energy from the ball took the shape of a small bird. It’s head was shaped like a witch’s hat and its tail feathers were a scruffy broom. It was completely black except for it’s red eyes and yellow beak and talons, which seemed to gleam they were so sharp looking,

"This could be bad," I groaned, taking into the account of my obvious type disadvantage.

“Murkrow!” He cried as he spread his wings fully, stretching out, showing off his rough down.

“Murkrow, use Shadow Ball!” Harmony shouted.

Murkrow opened his yellow back as wide as he could. Midnight blue bolts flashed around a lavender ball that was being formed. The eerie dark energy was filled with a light that showed off the walls around us. How could the dark light up a stadium? I concluded that this was no ordinary move.

“Tangela, get ready to dodge this!” I cringed.

“Crap,” my green plant quivered.

The ball of dark energy shot from Murkrow’s mouth, heading at great speeds for my Tangela.

“Move!” I screamed.

Tangela managed to jump out of the way just in time. The Shadow Ball collided with the wall behind me. As it shattered, I heard glass hitting the ground.

“Tangela?” I called out. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” he grunted, glaring up at the black bird.

While Tangela has successfully dodged the attack, he had to take a fall in order to do so.

“Ok!” I cheered him on. “Try a Vine Whip!”

“Alright!” Tangela nodded and extended two of his vines.

The green vines writhed along towards Murkrow as quickly as possible.

“Murky, dodge it!” Harmony cried.

One of the vines came crashing down, but Murkrow was able to avoid it, causing it to slam into the ground. However, while Murkrow was busy dodging that one, the other one struck, knocking the crow out of the air and onto its back.

"Ouch!" Tangela cried out, shaking his vine. "Them feathers are sharp!"

“Don't worry!” I called to him. “You're doing great, Tangela!”

He turned to face me and I could see the confidence that was filling him in his eyes. We were both feeling good about this battle - we’d taken down her dark fox and now it was the black bird’s turn! We stared into each other's eyes. I felt so good looking at him - he’d gotten so strong so fast, it was inspiring.
I thought I heard Harmony say something but I couldn’t make it out as I was too busy, lost in the eyes of my green vine plant. I caught a glimpse of Murkrow with glowing wings and realised that Tangela’s turn in this battle was over. Murkrow’s Steel Wing struck, sending Tangela flying.

“Oh no!” I ran towards him.

He didn’t move, I held his messy green body in my arms.

“Tangela is unable to battle, Murkrow wins the round!” the judge called out.

I pulled the PokéBall from my belt and Tangela returned to it in a beam of red.

“Well done my friend, rest now.” I smiled.

I placed the ball back on my belt and pulled off the one next to it.

“Ok, now I’m really gonna get serious!” I hollered as I threw the ball. “Go for it, my Gligar!”

The ball clunked as it bounced off the ground, opening in the same manner as the others. This one held my second Pokémon - a earth bat with two slender wings on each of side of his rock-hard purple body. The shape of his mouth always reminded me of a vampire, the only physical feature of Gligar that I did not like, although it did give him a dark and mysterious edge that often worked in my favour.
My Gligar has always been one of my strongest battlers, ever since before I caught him, he was incredibly strong. I found out that he had been owned by two people before me and they had both been forced to realise because he grew too powerful for them to control. It was really painful for him to suffer such abandonment... so i vowed that I would be the best from that day onwards, I would catch him and train him, raise him and love him more than anyone has ever done before. It didn’t and still does not matter to me how strong he gets, even if he outgrows me and his home here, he will always be my Gligar...

“Gligar, begin with Poison Sting!” I commanded, wiping away a few tears.

My strategy was to inflict Murkrow with a status ailment, something that would even give me an edge. I knew that Ground type Pokémon weren’t particularly useful against Flying types, but his Poison attributes gave me something to work with, something that could help me in the long run.

Gligar took in a deep breath and flew at full speed straight for Murkrow. There was no way that black bird could dodge because of Gligar‘s speed. As he got in close, just inches away, he spun a full one-eighty degrees and sunk is long purple stinger into the Murkrow’s body. The direct hit caused Murkrow to fall a bit, however he quickly regained his position and did not appear to be afflicted by any poison... so much for that strategy...

“That it?” Harmony chuckled. “Murky, use Double Team!”

Murkrow squawked and spread his wings out. In a flurry of black, a ring of about twenty identical black birds surrounded Gligar. My purple friend looked fearfully from side to side, frantically trying to identify the real Murkrow, which was certainly a first - my Gligar usually isn‘t afraid of anything.

“My Gligar!” I called out to my Pokémon. “Stay clam and aim your Screech at the ground!”

Gligar shook his head, feeling that it wouldn’t work.

“Trust me!” I screamed. “Please! It’s the only way!”

Without any further hesitation, Gligar stared at the ground and, basically, began yelling at it - he let out a terrifying wailing sound that caused the ground itself to ripple. i could hear the noise reverberating off... something.

Then it hit me - mirrors! We were in a hall of mirrors!

“Now,” I grinned as I formulated a new strategy, “flap your wings to strengthen the sound waves and propel yourself upwards while Screeching!”

Gligar’s wings began to flap slowly, increasing the power of his wails, while at the same time its strength was also boosted by it bouncing off all of the mirrors. Murkrow was left clutching its head, unable to bear all of the noise that was entering into his mind, getting under his skin. Losing his concentration, all of his doppelgangers faded and the real one was left in plain view - tumbling towards the ground.

“yes!” I pointed at the flailing bird. “Now, use X-Scissor!”

In an instant, Gligar was right above the Murkrow. An immense wind blew from as he pulled his wings across in front of his body, while the noise continued to bounce around the room. Suddenly, Gligar dove full speed at the black bird and slashed into its body with lightning speed, dealing massive damage while the Murkrow‘s defences were at their weakest. Murkrow fell to the ground

“Land it!” Harmony attempted to regain control.

In a valiant effort, Murkrow tried to straighten his frail body out, but he slipped as his talons failed to grip the ground, causing him to fall and injure one of its wings. Gligar also landed, but had no problem keeping his balance as his head was clear.

“Murkrow!” Harmony said through gritted teeth. “Get up! NOW!”

Murkrow rose to his feet and stared painfully at me. She was far too rough on that poor bird, in my opinion.

“Get in the air and use Steel Wing!” Harmony screamed. “DO IT!”

Murkrow spread his wings and lifted himself into the air.

“No way.” I gasped as it steadily climbed its way back up, my eyes wide with disbelief.

Thankfully, I think, Murkrow did not stay in the air for long - his injured wing could not carry him, causing him to fall back to the solid ground. He landed flat on his back and did not get up.

“Murkrow is unable to battle, Gligar wins the round!” the judge announced.

“Murkrow return.” Harmony kept her eyes to the floor as Murkrow returned to its ball.

I was certain I saw a tear fall. I was sorry for hurting Murkrow, but a battle of this magnitude demanded it. I had no choice...

“Now you’re in for it, girl,” she said quietly. “Now the real match begins!”

She looked up at me with angry eyes. All the lights in the room turned on.

“It’s time this battle really begun,” Harmony muttered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So that was Chapter 01. Some of you will notice a major change to the story, as well as some updated descriptions (it's a whole page longer), which hopefully have improved this chapter and the fic in the long run.

I know it's not perfect and there's room for improvement (I'd be worried if there wasn't) so please don't be afraid to voice your honest opinions ^.^

Chapter 02 ~ My Darkening Reflection will be up sometime near the end of the week *cookies*
 
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Manaphyman

Up all night
“Presenting the challenger,” a man wearing a blue stripy top called out, “Kimi Mair!”

So, there I stood in a giant circular stadium. It was almost completely dark - all I could see was the glowing white outline of the battlefield and the woman who stood on the opposite side of it, staring at me with eerie white eyes.
Her name was Harmony (such a bright name for a dark woman). She wore a plain black shirt and black jeans with black shows and black lipstick and black eye-shadow and black and black and black… so very dull. There was no excitement in her at all. The only interesting feature was that she was so amazingly plain.
Me? Oh, you wanna know what I was wearing? Ok… I was standing in my fabulous green jeans - they’re fabulous because, at the top, they’re myrtle and slowly fade to white as they reach my feet - held up by a yellow belt. I was also wearing a tight fitting yellow shirt (it really helps show off my figure, although I’m not really interested in such things... yeah right!). My shoes were white (to go with the bottom of my jeans) with bright green laces. My hair, blonde like my sister's, although I keep mine shoulder length and tied back (I use a green ribbon for that if you didn’t already guess) to keep it out of my face. Well, that’s me. I’m not too into my looks - I look good naturally.

*Facepalm* You remember the rules SP, space between paragraphs. However, that is not what I am facepalming about. Here is a good example of what was probably a rushed addition. The description here, while it is nice to have, is far too listy and incoherent, it sort of interupts the story. You need to find a way to incorporate it in bits, making sure the story flows. Description cant put the story on hold, it has to flow with it. Not only that, but all of the parenthesis...it may just be me, but I think you had a bit too much. Find a way to incoporate what you want to say in the story itself, not taking time out to explain it. That ruins the flow.

“It’s an attack so he can use it.” I said matter-of-factly, folding my arms. “If you can’t accept it, maybe you shouldn’t be a member of the Hoenn Elite four,” I winked.

Harmony shut her mouth, clenched her fists and gritted her teeth. I was more than certain I could hear her growling. I smiled again, finally feeling that things were going right again.

That was rude. I don't recall Kimi being so cocky, arrogant, and quite frankly, rude. I didn't like that part.

“Kimi!” Tangela shouted. “How’s about we do get serious and show this witch what we’re made of?”

It. Can. Talk? Seriously SP? Now we get to a borderline Mary-Sue character. However, there is a way to remedy this and I am here to help!

Instead of having the Pokemon outright talk, that breaks cannon, (and from your posts refuting my review, you are into cannon), have the trainer be able to understand its pokemon speak. Kimi can understand her Pokemon, Mimi hers, ect. Also, when a Pokemon speaks, dont put it in quotes. But it in <> or italics.

Overall, it wasnt bad. I liked the battle scene even though the description proceeded to be a bit listy in some spots and then forgotten in others. Kimi's personality irks me a bit, but I would consider that a positive, meaning that you have developed her enough to be liked/hated. Some things you really need to look at is description and its relation to flow, as well as avoiding the standard Mary-Sue Syndrome.

Oh, and space between paragraphs. Get a beta there, old friend. :]
 

Sweet Pinpuku

Happy Happiny
*Facepalm* You remember the rules SP, space between paragraphs. However, that is not what I am facepalming about. Here is a good example of what was probably a rushed addition. The description here, while it is nice to have, is far too listy and incoherent, it sort of interupts the story. You need to find a way to incorporate it in bits, making sure the story flows. Description cant put the story on hold, it has to flow with it. Not only that, but all of the parenthesis...it may just be me, but I think you had a bit too much. Find a way to incoporate what you want to say in the story itself, not taking time out to explain it. That ruins the flow.

I know, I thought that as soon as I'd posted it - I gave it a quick read through before heading to work and thought "nope, that ain't gonna fly, I gotta change that", but didn't have the time.

That was rude. I don't recall Kimi being so cocky, arrogant, and quite frankly, rude. I didn't like that part.


Well considering what Harmony had said to Kimi just a few lines before, I feel that Kimi had every right to get equally as ratty with her. Also, just to point out, that sequence (or, at least, most of it) was in the original ^.^



It. Can. Talk? Seriously SP? Now we get to a borderline Mary-Sue character. However, there is a way to remedy this and I am here to help!

Instead of having the Pokemon outright talk, that breaks cannon, (and from your posts refuting my review, you are into cannon), have the trainer be able to understand its pokemon speak. Kimi can understand her Pokemon, Mimi hers, ect. Also, when a Pokemon speaks, dont put it in quotes. But it in <> or italics.

*points to a previous post* this fic is entirely from Kimi's perspective. We hear what she hears, we see what she sees, etc, etc, etc... Tangela and her other Pokémon cannot talk, Kimi can understand them and so, therefore, can we. You'll notice that Kimi can't understand Harmony's Pokémon.

Overall, it wasnt bad. I liked the battle scene even though the description proceeded to be a bit listy in some spots and then forgotten in others. Kimi's personality irks me a bit, but I would consider that a positive, meaning that you have developed her enough to be liked/hated. Some things you really need to look at is description and its relation to flow, as well as avoiding the standard Mary-Sue Syndrome.

Oh, and space between paragraphs. Get a beta there, old friend. :]

I want, and have always wanted, Kimi to be quite... over-confident and cocky, so it's good that she's coming across in that respect ^.^

The thing with the spacing was that, my old fic Only A Dream was criticised for spacing between the paragraphs... some folk tell to space it, some tell me not to space it so I'm at a loss for what to do.
 

lugia*master

Cheese XD
I liked chapter one: A good, solid, battle that lasts into the next chapter. The talking pokemon pretty much had me stumped, but, hey, if pokemon are real, then talking isn't that much of a shock ^^
 

ArtekOublier

A balance...
First of all, I'd just like to say thanks for the 1st chapter ^.^ Bit thrown by it to be quite honest, but we'll get to why I may answer my own questions too ^^

Second of all, lol, some spelling and grammar:

“Feeling confident are you?” Harmony s******ed, practically reading my mind. “Come on out now girl, don’t be shy,” she said to the ball lying on the battlefield.

I have no idea what this is, lol. I'm not even sure what word it is meant to be. I know it's obviously not a swear word, because you wouldn't do that, not in a story unless you had to. So, I'm just wondering what it is exactly.

Were here other people here,

Think the second word here is meant to be "there", simple mistake and simply sorted.

The chapter as a whole seemed rather deep. I was so into it that before I knew where I was the chapter was done and I was asking my laptop, "is that it? I need more!"
I'm not too sure exactly how Kimi would be able to see in the light situation that you presented, let alone how any of the Pokémon could attack. Maybe if you could explain that somewhat it would help, I feel.

One thing that did get to me was the constant use of brackets throughout the chapter, containing afterthoughts of our Kimi, or parenthesis as MM pointed out ^^ . I remember reading the novel "The Hours" by Michael Cunningham that a lecturer game me, and that book was riddled with it, he was apparently imitating Virginia Woolfe's style. I think it could have done without the bracketed parts, I felt that they were unneeded. Although I can see why you added them, in order to let more of Kimi's personality some through in order for us to associate ourselves with her a little more. So I guess it's not too big of a thing.

Could you please explain the "advancements" that you talk about? About the communication between Pokémon and their trainers. I was slightly miffed when Tangy actually spoke, but perhaps only to Kimi. This leads me somewhere else. It was said in an episode with that weird dressing up guy from Hoenn that if you say what's "in your heart" and speak the way Pokémon do then they'll understand you. If humans speak to Pokémon, more often than not the Pokémon in question understands, obviously alot more than an animal would, without question. So it would stand to reason, depending on how close Kimi is with her Tangela that she would know exactly what it was saying. See...just more or less answered my own question.

Manaphyman, thanks for the friend request, it has been accepted. I also want the best for SP, for other reasons too *giggles*. He can do really well and has told me such. Watching him write, getting immersed in his ownlittle worldis amazing to see. Maybe he just needs a little practice since he's been out of it for a little bit, maybe that's all. I'm sure other chapters will be just a good if not better. I liked that funny bit about "Mary-Sue", SP and I were just talking about that the other day regarding another matter.

All in all, this was a great start I feel. I've read you're battles before and I love the way that you do them. So I have no real bad things to say about to chapter, just please keep them coming, I'm already dying for more.

xxx
 

Sweet Pinpuku

Happy Happiny
Chapter 02

With regards to the talking Pokémon - they are not talking, all it is is that Kimi can understand what they say so therefore we can understand what they say because this is all from her perspective, but we can only understand her Pokémon because she can only understand her Pokémon.

The parenthesis thing will die down, it was just a tool in the early chapters for us to get used to Kimi's thought processes. As the story goes on, it gets worked into the actual story and chapter ^.^

The "advancements" will be showcased as the fic plays out so keep an eye out for them ;)

THIS CHAPTER NOW HAS A GUIDANCE RATING FOR USE OF STRONG LANGUAGE SO BE WARNED READERS BWAHAHAHA!!!

Here's Chapter 02:

Chapter 02 ~ My Darkening Reflection

“Oh my God!” I cried out.

Just when I was getting so used to the darkness, the biggest battle of my life got a little weirder - the walls of the room were actually mirrors. Everywhere I looked I saw a long tunnel full of myself. Even the floor was a mirror... so glad I wasn’t wearing a skirt.

“What is this?” I called to my opponent, surprised even though I had suspected this.

“This is the battlefield,” Harmony smiled. "If you don't like it, I suggest you quit," she smirked.

I frowned and shook my head, there was no way this was gonna scare me off, but her new "appearance" might've done - her face was different, like she'd just gotten over an illness, a flush of pink in her cheeks, a sparkle in her eye... it was unnerving because it was such a drastic change, a complete turn-around that was confusing and very off-putting. I was beginning to wonder if I was ready for a challenge of this magnitude.

“Let’s continue,” Harmony produced a blue and white ball from her belt.

She tossed it gently onto the mirror floor and the white energy was expelled, reflecting off all the mirrors, filling the entire room with a bright light. I instinctively pulled my hands up, covering my eyes so that I wasn't blinded by the intensity of it. I opened them when I was sure it was safe, only to see a white angel floating a few feet above the ground, with its pure white body seemingly radiating with happiness and joy. I mean, yeah, sure it had three horns sticking out of its head, but that didn't mean that it wasn't still cute as a button.

It stared at me with a blank expression, which made it look all the cuter, and asked, “Toge?”

“Togetic,” Harmony said pleasantly, “begin with Yawn.”

The angel smiled and took in a deep breath, its speckled body filling up with air before it blew a pink bubble from its mouth, which steadily grew as it floated gently towards my Gligar. It struck Gligar and burst, having no other obvious effect - I couldn’t help but laugh at that, especially after Harmony's reaction to Tangela's Tickle.

“Gligar, show them what an attack should be like,” I said after I calmed down a bit, “use Sand Tomb!”

Gligar dug its claws deeply in the mirrored floor, its hard skin protecting it from the shards of glass and began to toss a thick streams of shimmering sand lightened by the glass towards Togetic.

“Dodge it Togetic!” Harmony shouted.

Togetic dropped down onto the ground and fell over slightly. The heaps of sand missed and hit into one of the mirrored walls, causing it to shatter and all fall to the ground instead.

“Oops,” I giggled, showing that I was still confident even though I'd just made such a silly mistake.

My purple flying scorpion began to sway from side to side and then collapsed. Sand Tomb shouldn’t have done that... should it? I mean, it didn't have any side -effects that I knew of that would effect my Gligar like that. Maybe Togetic's Yawn had done more than I realised? It was hard to tell, I had never encountered that move before, so I couldn't say for sure. However, I surely felt unready for this.

“What’s going on?” I asked, naturally puzzled. “My Gligar! Get up!”

Gligar did not move, he was fast asleep.

“Aw,” the now bright woman teased, “looks like Gligar’s tired.”

The judge held up his hand closest to Harmony and said, “Gligar is unable to battle, this round goes to Harmony!”

“What?!” I yelled.

I couldn’t believe that that pathetic little bubble knocked Gligar out cold! Sleep was a dangerous effect to get hit with, especially in a battle like this.

“Gligar return," I sighed and held out my PokéBall adding, "you did great, my sweet, sweet Gligar."

I thought on what to use next - Tangela and Gligar were gone, leaving me with Pichu, Shellos, Gardevoir and Politoed. I looked up at the first member of Hoenn’s Elite Four. What would she use after Togetic? There was no way either Pichu or Shellos would go up against it, they’re my babies and are rarely used for battles, but I had to consider the possibility that they might evolve during the battle, which I knew Shellos was ready for. Gardevoir or Politoed were my only other choices, they’d both get used eventually, but I decided it would be best to leave the strongest of the two for last.

“Go Politoed!” I threw my third ball onto the field.

I covered my eyes as the light filled the room. Once it had cleared, I looked out towards my Pokémon. He stood motionless.

“Mmmmmmmmm…” was all I could hear from my Pokémon.

Politoed was great! He had a wonderful way of fooling his foe and dancing to confuse them. The hypnotic yellow swirl on his green body seemed to spin whenever he danced, mystifying the opponent.

Let me take a moment to tell you a little something about my Politoed - I remember being given this egg one day by a mysterious woman with orange hair. She told me that her Politoed had had an egg but she didn’t have time to raise it properly as she was too busy. At first, I thought that was very mean but, when I saw on TV that she was involved in the final destruction of Team Rocket, I realised that it probably would’ve had a better life with me than possibly getting seriously injured or worse in a serious feat like taking down Team Rocket.

The four of us were stationary - Harmony and Togetic watched Politoed in silence, wondering about what he was going to do. Nothing happened.

“Togetic!” Harmony called out. “Double Edge!”

Togetic hopped back a few steps and the dashed towards Politoed, using its wings to hover a little while running. Politoed did not move from his position. Togetic drew closer and closer. Politoed still did not move. Just as Togetic was about to hit, it stopped.

“What?” Harmony asked, her eyes wide with surprise.

Togetic’s face filled with shock and horror as a blue aura engulfed its body. Politoed moved one of its yellow paws, up and down, up and down, continuing the motions as all the while Togetic went crashing into the ceiling and floor in time with Politoed's strange arm dance. Eventually, Politoed stopped and Togetic collapsed onto the mirrored floor, its body and mind exhausted from having to struggle for some semblance of control.

“How did you?” Harmony gasped.

“What? You don’t know what an attack does?” I giggled. “How very unprofessional of you.”

Harmony clenched her fists, gritted her teeth, but said nothing.

“Politoed knows Psychic!” I exclaimed. “Something I expected a member of the Elite Four to know!”

“It was merely an unexpected twist,” Harmony scoffed. “Don’t think you’re special just because your Pokémon know some decent moves.”

“They know more than a few decent moves!” I shouted across at her. “I raised my Pokémon well, I wouldn’t be here otherwise!”

“The decision to allow this challenge was not unanimous,” Harmony grinned wickedly. “The Champion over-ruled three of us to allow this challenge.”

The Champion? I had to admit, I didn’t know much about the Champion - this person was very secretive in a certain respect. It wasn’t so much secretive, I guess, but more to do with the fact that they didn’t get out much due to all the challenges they had to face day-to-day, the paperwork, all that jazz. What kind of life is that, really, for a so-called Champion?

“Are we just gonna stand around here yapping all day?” Harmony sighed.

“Fine,” I smiled. “Politoed, go!”

Politoed rose to his feet and danced towards Togetic. He was very delicate and graceful in his movements. The spiralling pattern on his belly fixating Togetic in place - she could not escape.

Togetic looked up just as Politoed approached, her eyes filled with fear.

Politoed required no instructions from me. He knew what to do. He lowered his head till he was level with Togetic and smiled. He rose, drawing in a deep breath as he went, his pink cheeks puffing out as he did. A blue dust began to form in front of his open mouth, spiralling its way, forming a ball of ice. Politoed then stopped. He smiled at his adversary again and exhaled a beam of ice with great speed and force. Togetic was fired backwards and frozen solid!

Politoed, after executing his attack, danced his way back to me and returned to his stationary position, squatting on his hind yellow paws.

“Togetic is unable to battle!” the judge announced, “this round goes to Politoed!”

Harmony remained silent and returned Togetic to her Great Ball in a beam of red.

“Alright,” she said as she threw another ball onto the field.

This ball was different - it was pure yellow with green leaves painted on it.
The strange ball flashed open to reveal Harmony’s final Pokémon - a giant pink puff-ball with curly hair. I noticed that the bottom half of its body was white with feathers and had a pink pouch with an delicious looking egg inside.

“Hello Blissey,” Harmony smiled.

I swallowed, slightly afraid that this battle was going to be over very soon. I’d read about the Happiness Pokémon, that it’s low attack was made up for significantly by its high HP and defence. It took a tough trainer, an experienced trainer, to raise up a powerful one. This could go very bad very soon.

“Blissey, use Flash,” Harmony said as she covered her eyes.

Blissey raised its short arms up and screamed. A bright light filled the room, its power increasing greatly by the mirrors reflecting the attack. The light filled my head, I noticed Politoed curl into a ball before I had to shield my eyes. My head was spinning. That light was so bright.

It was blinding me, my eyes felt they were going to burn off so much that I just had to scream, “aaahhh!” I was in so much pain.

"Kimi!" I heard Harmony's voice call out to me, but I couldn't see her; and her voice... it felt like there was something in the way, like my ears were plugged up or as if she were so far away... I was so confused...

Eventually, the dizziness took over completely and I felt myself fall to the floor. My body banging against the glass seemed to echo throughout my mind, but I managed to steady myself on the floor. However, I couldn’t see. What was going on? I heard Politoed get knocked over, he cried out with the same echo I experienced just moments before. I felt something touch my leg, something soft like human skin. I heard a voice calling for help, Harmony maybe? No, it sounded more like my sister. What was happening?

“Politoed?” I called out.

Everything began to shake. I heard things smash, something pushed me. A crash sounded right beside me, but it seemed so far away. Something was laying on top of me, but it moved and I felt my body shaking. A sudden wave of sound, like white noise, came across my entire being and, after that, I'm not really sure...

When I stood up and opened my eyes, I realised I was somewhere else. Had that Flash done this? What was that shaking? What was that thing that had been on top of my body? Where was Politoed, Blissey and Harmony?

“Hello,” a small voice said.

I turned around. No-one was there. There was nothing here, just mirrors. Rows and rows of them, showing thousands of me from different points in my life - me as a baby, a child, me with my Pichu, catching my Ralts, my whole life was literally being flashed right in front of my eyes. However, I was not alone; I was reflected in all of the mirrors but one. One of them was my sister, Mimi. Her glossy pink lips opened and she spoke, but her soft voice never reached me.

“I need your help,” the voice said.

It sounded female, but young so I could not be sure. I wandered around the mirrors, looking into each one in the hopes of finding who was talking to me, but all I saw was me.

“They’re looking for me,” she said.

The reflections changed to dark shadows, causing me to jump back away from them, but they were all around me, surrounding me. The shadows jumped and danced from one mirror to another, always facing me, always watching me.

"Oh God," I gasped and covered my eyes.

“One of them is nice, you get to save him, not the others, not the others, they’re all gone, all gone away to the shadows,” the voice continued.

What the hell? I didn’t understand. One of those menacing shadows was nice? How could I tell which one? What was this all about? I didn't understand. I wasn't even sure I wanted to know, but I found myself with little choice.

“What are you talking about?” I shouted.

One mirror turned completely black, its mass seemed to pour out of the glass, reaching for me as it glided along the floor towards my feet.

“Watch out for her, she leads the shadows,” the little voice said.

I didn’t care if she was the Queen! I wanted answers and I wanted them now! I wanted to go home! I wanted to finish my battle! I wanted to see my mum and my dad! I wanted to see my sister! I didn't want to die!

“Answer me!” I screamed.

All the mirrors shattered, causing my to let out a frail shriek and fall to the floor, covering my face as sharp glass fell all around me.

“Kimi! Kimi, get up!” A woman said.

Who?

I looked up and saw a tall woman with blonde hair holding her hand out to me. She was wearing tight blue jeans and a lavender top. Her hair bounced its way round her head and past her shoulders as her arms wrapped around my body, embracing me with a kind of sisterly love unlike any other.

"Please," I felt tears dripping onto my face, "tell me you're okay," my sister sobbed.

My eyes fluttered and I clocked on to where I was, what had happened. Then I realised fully that my sister was actually here... but why?

“Why are you here?” I jumped to me feet.

“To cheer you on silly!” My sister smiled gleefully, standing up beside me.

“What happened?” I asked.

I looked around. All the glass was broken, revealing stone walls and a cracked ceiling. Politoed lay on the floor, badly injured, Blissey was struggling to stand, taking short, quick breaths. Harmony too had been knocked to the floor with a few light cuts and scrapes.

“Okay, so that was not a good idea,” Harmony shook her head and stood up, "You alright Blissey?"

Blissey said nothing and attempted to steady her breathing.

“From what I can tell, you freaked out,” Mimi said, “you panicked in the Flash and just collapsed onto the ground, Blissey attacked Politoed constantly and finished him off with Earthquake. As you can see,” she added, “that was not the best plan of action in this kind of battlefield.”

“Oh,” I sighed and nodded in agreement.

“I got here just as Blissey was sent out,” she said as I pulled out my PokéBall and returned Politoed to it, “I’m sorry but I don’t know all the details.”

“I’m so sorry I let you down,” I said to the ball, turning my attention away from my sister, “rest now my friend.”

“You ready to carry on?” Harmony asked from the other side of the field.

My sister moved behind me, patting me on the back for good luck and remained stationary in the proverbial box I was enclosed in, to keep us off the field.

“You bet!” I got another ball from my belt and threw out towards the shattered battlefield.

The ball flashed open, the white energy not reflecting as strongly as before, and revealed my final Pokémon - Gardevoir!

My Pokémon appeared gracefully as the swirling white energy took the form of her slender body. Her ball gown bottom danced as a wind blew through a hole in the wall. Her long green arms folded across her red chest. Once fully formed, she flicked a part of her short green hair back, preventing it from getting into her red eyes.
Gardevoir was a real friend to me for so long. Although I mostly travelled with no human companions, Gardevoir was good enough for someone to talk to and help me out. We talked about everything from strategies to boys to family. If it wasn’t for her, and all the others of course, I wouldn’t have been as prepared for this battle as I was. Gardevoir always told me that I deserved this chance, that I had worked hard for it... and she was right! I wasn't gonna let this woman, my opponent, get me down. All Harmony was doing was rattling my cage and, while it had been working, that was all about to change!

“Let’s finish this!” she said confidently.

And so it came down to our last Pokémon each - Gardevoir against Blissey, me against her. This should be easy now, I thought. Blissey looked completely exhausted and was also shaken from the quake. Simple. Gardevoir floated, staring into the beady eyes of her pink fluffy foe. Blissey was almost down, huffing and puffing, tired from battling Politoed. Strangely enough though, Harmony was standing tall, looking down her nose at me.

This was it.

“Gardevoir, finish her off with Psychic!” I commanded.

Gardevoir moved closer and raised her slender green arms up into the air, a blue aura surrounding her.

“Blissey!” Harmony smiled. “Softboiled!”

The egg in Blissey’s pink pouch floated up and began to crack open. The blue light that spiralled around Gardevoir concentrated itself in her eyes and a beam of energy shot from them straight for Blissey. However, it was too late - Blissey had already revitalised herself with her egg. Sure, Psychic did good damage, it just wasn’t enough now that Blissey's energy had been replenished.

It was then that I realised this battle was over and I was going to lose. I looked down at my feet, my lovely white shoes with bright green laces. I looked at the PokéBall I held in my hand. We’d come so far. I looked at the broken glass walls and floor, the hole in the wall revealing light from the outside world. It felt like so long since I’d been out there, journeying, having fun with my Pokémon. My Gardevoir stood before me, her green arms flopping by her sides as she gasped for breath. This was too much for them too soon, we weren't ready for this. I wasn't ready for this. No wonder they had wanted to over-rule my challenge... I was weak.

“I can’t…” I whispered as tears began to stream down my cheeks.

I clutched the ball tightly. My Pokémon deserved better than this. They deserved a trainer who could help them win battles, not ones who just **** up and make stupid mistakes like I'd been doing this entire battle. I wasn't good enough for them. I'd let them all down.

Gardevoir turned to face me, she floated towards me. I felt her green hands on my cheeks, wiping away my tears, just as she always did.

“It’s ok.” she smiled lovingly.

It wasn't though. I'd let them all down. I'd messed this whole thing up.

"You haven't though," Gardevoir said, wrapping her arms around me.

All of my balls suddenly flashed open and what I'd come to know as my family were around me, supporting me in this difficult time. A small yellow mouse, my sweet baby, appeared on my left shoulder, licking my cheek. A tangled mess of green vines stood proud behind me, his vines embracing me. My cute pink slug popped up in my arms, nuzzling into my chest as tears poured down her face. My Gligar, my orphan, floated at my side with a silly grin on his face, making me realise how much good I had done for him. Politoed sat just a few steps away, his face expressionless, his body motionless, but he was smiling inside. All of them, my family, stood with me.

“It’s ok if you choose to not do this.” Gardevoir said for them, translating their words as she'd always done for me, even from within her PokéBall. "We understand your feelings because we feel it too."

I looked up, gazed into each of their eyes. I fought back more tears.

“Thank you.” I began to sob.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Mimi.

"You're alright Kimi," she whispered. "We're all here for you."

Gardevoir turned to face my opponent, saying for me, “We have decided to forfeit.”

“Are you sure?” the judge asked.

The white woman turned to look at everyone.

They all nodded, saying, “Yes,” together.

“Alright.” the judge shrugged, “This round goes to Blissey, the winner of the battle is Harmony, First of the Hoenn Elite four!”

In a flurry of red light, all six of my Pokémon returned to their balls, except for my baby, my Pichu, who sat up on my shoulder.

“Thank you.” I whispered once more as I wiped the final few tears from my eyes.

“Hey.” Harmony smiled gently as she walked over to me.

She hugged me. I nearly died. She hugged me. Weird.

“You battled very well, I was worried a few times there.” she laughed, “Congratulations.”

As she spoke, more shards of glass fell from the ceiling.

“For what?” I looked up at her.

“For giving me one of the best battles I’ve had in a long time.” she shook my hand, adding, “I knew I was right about you.”

I looked around the room - the place had been totalled! It was utterly wrecked, trashed, done for. There was no way that this could possibly be a good experience if it caused all this destruction. A sudden realisation - I had had a part in the destruction of one of the Elite Four's personal battling grounds. Oh ****... how could she possibly be happy about this?

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I was the only one rooting for you," she grinned. "The other three felt you weren't ready and I'm happy to say," Harmony then turned away and swiftly walked towards the judge, "you proved them wrong here today."

I smiled and ran my hand through my hair as my sister came up closer, placing her arm around me

“Get someone in here right now and clean up this mess!” Harmony yelled.

“Yes ma’am!” the judge quickly ran off.

Harmony sighed and shook her head, “I need a bath.” she said and also left the arena.

“Come on,” Mimi smiled and took my arm.

“What?” I stumbled as she dragged me through the hole in the wall. “Where are we going?” I asked.

“Firstly, you’re going to the Pokémon Centre to change those smelly clothes.” She looked at me in disgust, although I knew she didn’t mean it.

“That all?” I smirked.

"Nope!" She smiled. "After that..."she paused dramatically, "we're going to the Battle Frontier!"

Oh...

Great...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All thoughts, comments and criticisms are appreciated ^.^
 
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Manaphyman

Up all night
The parenthesis thing will die down, it was just a tool in the early chapters for us to get used to Kimi's thought processes. As the story goes on, it gets worked into the actual story and chapter ^.^

No excuse. Just put her thoughts in italics. It is best to avoid an abudance of parenthesis.

I frowned and shook my head, there was no way this was gonna scare me off, but her new "appearance" might've done - her face was different, brighter and full of colour, not pale anymore and dead looking. In this light she seemed so happy and bright, it was actually quite unnerving because it was such a drastic change... this whole turn-around here was really throwing me off my challenge, I was beginning to feel that I really wasn't ready for this...

Description is really choppy, as here, you seem to suffer from the "telling, not showing" syndrome. Remember SP, the golden rule of fanfiction, show, don't tell. Instead of telling me how her apperance has changed, show it, describe it, use imagery to paint us a picture. This will help your emotions seem a little less dry, emotions that are not supported with imagery in fics usually just fall flat and don't have the desired impact. You need to remedy this.

white energy was expelled. The whiteness reflected off all the mirrors,
Redundant. I know, it happens.

opened them when I was sure it was safe, see a white angel-like being floating a few feet above the ground. It was so beautiful and cute. Even though it had three horns on it head, I felt so happy just looking at it's small delicate wings and short stubby arms.

It stared at me with a blank expression, which made it look all the cuter, and asked, “Toge?”

“Togetic,” Harmony said pleasantly, “begin with Yawn.”

Eh, the description improved a bit, but you were a little listy. I would try to avoid: "it was so beautiful and cute," to me that seemed like a short, uncesseary sentence. Try to avoid listing description as if it were a necessary task, try to ease it in, instead of lumping it all together. (Unless you can really pull off some amazing imagery.)

You would think a very powerful Elite Four Member would have a fully evolved Togekiss...

Togetic’s body had a blue glow around it. Politoed moved one of its yellow paws, up and down, up and down. All of a sudden, Togetic went up and down, up and down, crashing into the ceiling and floor each time. Eventually, Politoed stopped and Togetic collapsed onto the mirror floor.

No offense, but that was really bad description of the attack Psychic. To me, it seemed unprofessional, the repetion of up and down was uneccessary, and it lacked any description or emotion. What you need to do, SP, is break up the attacks and dialogue with more description, again, show me the attack, don't just tell me about it. Describe Togetic's expression, the blue glow, ect.

Politoed rose to his feet and danced towards Togetic. He was very delicate and graceful in his movements. The spiralling pattern on his belly fixating Togetic in place - she could not escape.
Togetic looked up just as Politoed approached, her eyes filled with fear.
Politoed required no instructions from me. He knew what to do. He lowered his head till he was level with Togetic and smiled. He rose, drawing in a deep breath as he went, his pink cheeks puffing out as he did. A blue dust began to form in front of his open mouth, spiralling its way, forming a ball of ice. Politoed then stopped. He smiled at his adversary again and exhaled a beam of ice with great speed and force. Togetic was fired backwards and frozen solid!
Politoed, after executing his attack, danced his way back to me and returned to his stationary position, squatting on his hind yellow paws.
Space between paragraphs. It looks unprofessional and is a wall of text if you don't, I don't care what anyone says. In fact, I'm almost positive thats a rule here.

“Aaahhh!” I screamed.

I couldn’t see. What was going on?
I heard Politoed get knocked over. Felt something touch my leg. I heard a voice calling for help. What was happening?

“Politoed?” I called out

The scream was...it sounded forced. There was no emotion at all, again, you need imagery and foundation to back it up. Instead of simply saying: "ahhh, I screamed," include whats going on in her mind, go more indepth as to why she's scared and include Harmony's reaction.

From there until here:
was incredibly dry. It was just dialogue. SP, you need to break that up with description, emotion, thought, anything. You can't just stack dialogue and expect it to be a good chapter.

The egg in Blissey’s pink pouch floated up and began to crack open.
The blue light that spiralled around Gardevoir concentrated itself in her eyes and a beam of energy shot from them straight for Blissey. But, it was too late.
Blissey had already revitalised herself with her egg. Sure, Psychic did good damage, it just wasn’t enough.
It was then that I realised this battle was over and I was going to lose. I looked down at my feet, my lovely white shoes with bright green laces. I looked at the PokéBall I held in my hand. We’d come so far. I looked at the broken glass walls and floor, the hole in the wall revealing light from the outside world. It felt like so long since I’d been out there, journeying, having fun. Battling like this wasn’t for me. I wanted to be travelling with my Pokémon, going places with them. Here, this was the end, my journey would end here. If I beat her, and the three to follow along with the Champion, I’d be stuck here. It was not for me. This was not the life I wanted. I wanted to travel with my beautiful sister, who, I had to admit, I'd missed more than I realised.

Again the emotion problem. Also, an incredible conflict of intrest. In the prolgoue, she was *****ing and complaining about how her sister gets everything, and then suddenly she wants to travel with her? *facepalm* Very, very unrealistic, and somewhat of a plot hole.

All of my balls suddenly flashed open, my family was around me.
Pichu, the baby given to me when I was born
Tangela, the brave man who stood up for his beliefs.
Shellos, the slug who needs a hug.
Gligar, the orphan who found a home with us.
Gardevoir, the woman who always guarded me.
Politoed, the comedian who makes us all laugh.
All of them, my family, stood with me.

Paragraph thing again. Maybe just include it in one paragraph?

“It’s ok if you choose to not do this.” Gardevoir said for them.

I looked up, gazed into each of their eyes. I fought back more tears.

“Thank you.” I began to sob.

Dialogue thing again, and whats worse, is that this is how you end the chapter! It was rushed, no doubt. You need to slow down and describe, thats your problem. Once you can master proper description and emotion, the length and plot will follow suit. Apart from that, and the various plot holes/cliches I've found, you should be in buisness.

Don't take this the wrong way, I am a fan of this fic and of your writing, but I feel as if the original was of higher quality then the rewrite, which is a big no no. I am confident that you can bounce back from a lackluster start and impress me though. :]
 
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ArtekOublier

A balance...
First I wanna say wow what a ride! Highs, lows stops and well, more stops, lol. Didn’t realise that you were gonna post the next chapter so soon, but here it is, oh so shiny and waiting for reading and comments. As always I have a few things that I need to point out, like mistakes and such:

mean, it didn't have any side -affects

I'm pretty sure that should be "side-effects", if you look at any little folded note that comes with any box of tablets that's what it says "side-effects", lol.

What kind of lie is that, really, for a so-called Champion?
Lie? Who is? Hopefully not the champion, that would be, well unfair and horrible. I'm also sure that this should be "life", simple key slip I guess.

T he light filled my head

Sometimes when we slip especially on the keyboard or a purposefully laid down banana peel, we accidentally press the space bar. Why anyone would put a banana peel near my computer is beyond me.

“Come one,” Mimi smiled and took my arm.
Come all? Probably not. "Come on!" is probably the proper thing that should have went here.

Manaphyman, was there anything you did like about the chapter? Seems all you did was list things that were wrong and did so in the last chapter too. Not that there anything wrong with it. I also feel that your comments were a little repetitive, "emotion, imagery" and "unprofessional". I'll be honest Mr. a word like "unprofessional" can be hurtful. I've had it used on me before and well...you can imagine, i was a bit less than pleased, lol. I do think you forget that these things are description , but, from a character's point of view, Kimi's, and if she's not good at description then there won't be a big elaborate one. She seems not that clever with words, and SP has to fit into that and play that character. You also have to think that Kimi is in a battle, they are fast paced, you have to work off of your Pokémon, your own experience right there on the spot with no help, and also watch what your opponent is doing. Safe to say she wouldn’t have time for big long massive descriptions. I do admit that it can seem rather bland sometimes but that's what happens if it's from a first person perspective.
You may be basing this all on the fact that, yes, you have read this all before and perhaps to a better standard, but for someone who hasn't read it before who thinks this is a great as it is, it might have a bad outcome. All I ask is that, you like it for it, it's probably why SP felt the need for a rewrite. Also you are entitled to your opinion the same as me.

I'm glad that you too brought up the parenthesis and I'm rather glad that it was only to get us into her character and what she's like. Not that the parenthesis was a bad thing, just was a little too much in the first chapter although I do completely understand why you did it alot more now infact.
It was weird to visualise the whole drastic change between the light and the dark in the room, and how Harmony changed. I suppose she's a complete balance between light and dark herself, being able to change from almost hating Kimi (which we are led to believe ), to completely changing the look of her room and herself, especially at the end in her attitude towards Kimi.
I do agree with MM on the fact that maybe Harmony should have had Togekiss instead, but then again there are so many Pokémon that is all the Gym leaders, Elite 4 and Frontier Brains all had fully evolved Pokémon like that, there wouldn’t be much to chose from, lol. I love the idea that she has two Darker types and two purer types to emphasise the meaning in her name. Maybe she has a split personality, I’d love to know if she does, he he ^^.

I’m wondering now, as will all the readers of this fic, about who the little female voice is. Could it be a small child, a dead...person, a Pokémon, or something more sinister? maybe it’s harmony’s other personality breaking through, asking for assistance, lol.

*coughs* Earthquake in a room full of mirrors, anyone could tell that that would be a terrible idea, e.g., flying glass, death etc lol.

It was nice to see Mimi make an appearance, however she seems to upbeat, which makes me think that there might be something wrong. maybe there is, maybe thee isn’t, we’ll see it the next chapter I guess.
I do like nearer the end of the battle when Gardevoir instructs Harmony that they will forfeit, instinctively knowing that the battle isn’t gonna go any further. Kimi did say that she’s a bit closer to her anyway and as you know Gardevoir is one of my favourites to ^^.
I also loved all the descriptions of all of her Pokémon and obviously what they meant to her. It was sweet and lovely and a nice reflection on what she thought of them all individually.
Lastly, when all her Pokémon come out to see her, it’s very heart-warming, although i did feel that them going back into their balls was a little bit rushed.

All in all another great one hunni ^^, let us await the frontier of battle!
 
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