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Rozon (Rewrite)

Kira Ketchum

New Member
Hi guy, I have this fan fiction on fanfiction.net. It have start out in third person and then I rewrote it and put in first person.
Summary: Welcome to the Rozon. Here you travel with Kyo and Darkfire though out this mysterous region. Kyo will find something about his family that chrage his life forever

Author note: I did this during the winter break and had it edited this week. I hope you like it. Please read and review. I don’t own pokemon. I do own the character, Aquafox, Houndul, and Leafdon.

Chapter 1 Journey begins

“Now, give a big warm welcome for the Pokemon Master of Rozon, Kyo Dragonhon.” The announcer calls out from the podium. I smile and wave as I walk out onto the arena. I am the greatest Pokemon Master, since great Ash Ketchum.

At my side was a devil dog. He had a metal plate over it face, metal ankle bracelet with spikes and also he had two white curved horns. The end of his tail was arrow shape and his fur was Black and under his belly and his neck was reddish-brown. He had a white bone-looking collar with a skull on it. This Pokemon is called Houndul. I know it a weird name.

He is my best friend. He is ….Vanishing? His whole body was fading into nothingness. I bend down to see what was wrong with him. Pokemon don’t just disappear, right?

Then everything dark and silent, I look around to see if I could see anything. Nothing.

“Are you Kyo?” A big booming voice came out of nowhere. It was male.

“Yes, who are you? And what is going on?” I said in a quiet voice.

“You have to save the world!!” This time it was female.

“What??”

“You have to...”

“I understand what you said. I meant to say from whom?”

“Two evil forces that are plan on take over the world with the help of the legend of Rozon.” Male voice

“Why me?”

“Because you are the Chosen One, it is time to wake up young Dragonhon. Your destiny waits”

“Wait, I have lot of question still. Who are theses ‘Evil Force’? And….”

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, my alarm clock blares. It was a dream. What a weird dream. I get out of bed and walk over to the mirror. I look into it, my thick black hair was messy and my dark green eyes. I turn and walk into my bathroom and yes, I have a bathroom in my room.

I quickly took a shower and got dress in my traveling clothes; which are brown cargo pant, a black shirt, red sweatshirt and black running shoes. I got a spare set of shoes and traveling clothes in my rucksack. It also has my extra pokeball, potions, Antidotes, canned food, mess kit, notebook and pokenav.

As you guess, today is my first day being a Pokemon trainer. I will not be traveling alone. My friend Angel Sintary is come with me. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever known. Her dark brown hair shine in the sunlight and her deep blue-grey eyes, well you get the point about her.

We live a small town called Sunset. It a place where nothing happens: well that not true. There this one man that has Eeveephobia. I am not kidding, he is afraid of Eevee and it evolutions. That about all the excitement we get around here.

“Kyo, it is time for breakfast and wake up your sister, Beth.” My mom called for down stair. Oh no, I have to wake Beth. She was stubborn as mule, five year old in the world.

I walked out my room and into my sister’s room, which is very messy with toys, books and clothes on the floor. I stepped into her very carefully; I don’t want to step on her Munchlux doll that is very loud. Finally, got to her bed, I bend over her ear and said the only that would wake her up.

“Mom making Blueberry pancakes.” Before I could even get out of the way, she was out of bed and out the door. It works every time. What? It not you got some to get your siblings out of bed too.

I walked out of that room of a mess and went down stairs. In the dinning room, my sister was eating a stack of pancake. She can eat her weight in pancake and nothing else, if mom would let her. I sit across for her and start to eat my breakfast.

“I can’t believe that my little boy is ten and get his starting his journey. Just like his….” Mom was going to say my father, but my father abandons us. It is very painful to talk about it. All I know is that they had a fight about his family and his family company and about me. This was before Beth was born. I think the company sells drugs or hurts Pokemon and something mom wanted nothing to do with it. I still get gifts from dad, but Beth doesn’t get any from him. I don’t think he knows about her. He left three months before she was born.

Enough about my dad, it get mad just thinking about him. He did come back for me when I was seven. I’ll tell that story some other time.

When I finished my breakfast; I took my dishes to the kitchen sink and started to wash them. Beth come over and hand her dish to me. Since I am the man of the house I had to dish. Mom walked up to me and said “Kyo, today is your big day. Are you sure you want to go this year?”

“Yes, Mom, I will be travel with Angel Sintary. You don’t need me around here to help; you got Beth to help you with the chores.”

I know that it not true but if I don’t put my foot down, I will never leave until I am an old man. Now that the dishes are done, I can get going. I ran up stair to get my bag but when I come down them there was mom and she was crying. Did I say something wrong?

“Mom, I am sorry for said that but I need to go.” I mange to crock out, I don’t want to her feeling any more.

“It not that sweetie, its just you are growing up so fast. If you see your father… please tell him there is a family waiting for his return.”

“I will, and I’ll tell him off for leaving us too.” Mom couldn’t help but smile. Now, she is telling me to not talk to stranger and other motherly stuff. I finally I turned and walked out the front door. It was Eleven o’clock, man mom kept me for two hours. She is really overprotective. I ran over to Angel’s house, which has white walls and a red roof. It has a small garden, it a very pretty house. I knocked on the door and she answered.

“You are late, what took you? Your mom again?” She asks in that kind of voice that you can’t tell if she mad or joking with you. That is one of the cool things about her.

She is wearing blue jeans, light blue shirt, white vest with many pockets, Blue running shoes and white bandana. Her rucksack is blue of course. White and blue are her favorite colors, if you could tell.

“Bye Mom, I’ll be back when I get my partner.” She shouts behind her back.

“Okay, see you then.” Her mom calls back.

So we are off, Professor Moonray’s lab, which isn’t very far about a half-hour walk. When we got there was someone is already there. It is Aaron Moonray. If you haven’t guessed by his last name he is Professor’s son. To tell to you the truth, Aaron is not a good friend of mine, he is the opposite. He has black hair, brown eyes and what he was all wear black from his shoe to hat.

He turns to see us come down the road. He had a Pokeball in his hand, which means he already had his Pokemon.

“My dad is waiting for you guys.” he snaps at us. He hated me and all I stand for. I am the same about him. He said that Pokemon are just tools in battle. He had said that to me at school once and I punched him. I got suspended from school for two weeks.

“What Pokemon did you chose?” Angel asked

He open the pokeball and a small green wolf cub came out, it had red eyes, a grass mane, and a leaf look tail. It was Leafdon.

The professor comes out of his lab before we could say any. He was tall and shinny. He had a neatly cut brown hair and he had blue eyes.

“Kyo, Angel, you’re here, great. Come on in.” he said with a smile. The Professor was the smartest guy in Sunset town. I am not joking. We walked into his lab. It looked like most labs; computer everywhere, people talked about science and other stuff.

The Professor walks over to a table with two pokeball. One with a fire mark and other was water. I know what the choice of our region are; Houndour, Aquafox, and Leafdon.

The professor picks up Houndour pokeball and opens it, a black dog with a red-brown belly, that go up to my hips. It had a metal mask over his face. Then the professor open Aquafox pokeball next. Aquafox is blue fox that has red eye and has six tails.

“Leafdon has already been taken by my son, so these are your choice, Miss Sintary will you go first, please?”

“Sure, I pick Aquafox and I’ll call her Kira.” She said and took Aquafox, I mean Kira’s pokeball.

“Which leaves you with Houndour, Kyo? Would like to nickname him too?”

“Blaze is taken already, so I’ll call you Darkfire. What do you think boy do you like that?” I ask my new and forever partner. He bark joyful, jump up and start to lick my face.

“He is a wild one, Kyo. Here is his Pokeball; you better put him inside it.” Said Professor Moonray, I shock my hand.

“He is going to stay out here with me. I want him to be at my side at all times.”

“Why would you want that?”

“I don’t think that Darkfire likes being stuck in his ball, sir.”

“I am fine with it. Well here are your pokedexs; they have all the Pokemon information that you will every need. It well tell how Pokemon you seen and captured.”

He handed the pokedexs to all three of us. They look like the flip phones. Angel was blue, my was red and Aaron is black.

We walked out together, just Aaron, Angel, Darkfire and me. As soon as we were out of earshot of the Aaron’s dad, Aaron said again it this year. “Pokemon are tool of battle, not friends.”

Angel turns to look at him with shock written all over her face. She wasn’t there when he said to me at school. I heard a low growl come from right next to me. I looked down to see Darkfire was baring his sharp teeth at Aaron, before I could stop him he ran up to Aaron and bit him on the leg.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
I think the company sells drugs or hurts Pokemon and something mom wanted nothing to do with it. I still get gifts from dad, but Beth doesn’t get any from him. I don’t think he knows about her. He left three months before she was born.

First off- wouldn't she had known about what he worked for and etc, before even getting to know him? I mean your making it sound like the mother character is a class a idiot nearly, if she turned a blind eye for it for so long.

Secondly, you have the father not only a villian, but a dumb one. How can he not know his wife is pregant if she's in the second trimester and is most likely rounder than normal and craving strange food stuffs?

Or is he an idiot too.

Next off is the dream- so overused cliche and dumbed down by Mary and Gary Sue n Stus, you don't even try and be remotely original. Here is my character, there is the voice of god/fate/destiny, it has proclaimed him the chosen one!

/yawn.

Lastly, description- barely anything is described unless it absolutely needs to be and even then you use the remotest of all vauge detailing.

Aquafox is blue fox that has red eye and has six tails.

So basically it's a Blue Vulpix, with no soul or glint of originality, it has a single, red eye like a Cyclopse and has no feet or anything else? Does it float?

Epic.

Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors, and maybe put some more time into writing up the next chapter, focus on emotion, depth/detail/description, and making your characters more realistic and less flat and cliche/overused.
 

#Chimecho#

Truth[N]Love
since great Ash Ketchum.
missing a word here

I know it a weird name.
it's

shower and got dress in my
dressed

cargo pant,
pants

My friend Angel Sintary is come with me. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever known.
is to come.

And i think it would be better if you said, i have ever seen. If shes the only girl he knows, naturally she would be the most beautiful because there are no others to compare her with.

shine in the sunlight and her deep blue-grey eyes, well you get the point about her
shined

no i don't get the point, keep going.

well that not true.
thats

Eevee and it evolutions
its

That about all the excitement we get around here.
thats

My mom called for down stair
from
 
Last edited:

#Chimecho#

Truth[N]Love
“Mom making Blueberry pancakes.” Before I could even get out of the way, she was out of bed and out the door.
Mom is making*
say she pushed him out of the way.

It works every time. What? It not you got some to get your siblings out of bed too.
Read that last sentence out loud then fix please.

I walked out of that room of a mess and went down stairs. In the dinning room, my sister was eating a stack of pancake. She can eat her weight in pancake and nothing else, if mom would let her. I sit across for her and start to eat my breakfast.
That mess of a room*
pancakes* both times
sat across from and started*

“I can’t believe that my little boy is ten and get his starting his journey.
and is starting* not get his starting

Just like his….” Mom was going to say my father, but my father abandons us.
She was going to say 'father', but he abandoned us.*
The way you said abandons us, sounds like he keeps doing it.

It is very painful to talk about it. All I know is that they had a fight about his family and his family company and about me. This was before Beth was born. I think the company sells drugs or hurts Pokemon and something mom wanted nothing to do with it. I still get gifts from dad, but Beth doesn’t get any from him. I don’t think he knows about her. He left three months before she was born.

Don't say it is, describe the pain. "Anytime i thought about him, anger welled up inside me. He left us a long time ago..."

Enough about my dad, it get mad just thinking about him. He did come back for me when I was seven. I’ll tell that story some other time.
i get mad*

I don't think i can go on reading. Either these are all mistakes or you want your main character to sound stupid?

If you edited these mistakes and work on not writing this way, i think you could be a good writer, as long as you describe more and say less 'matter of fact'

EDIT: Sorry. This had to be broken into two posts. kept getting the error
 
Last edited:

Kira Ketchum

New Member
#Chimecho# Thank for tell me about this error, I thought that my editor and I got all these errors. I have there of my friend to look at it too.
Yumi Ryu: It just a story and I will write the way I want. I going to write the parents relationship later on in the story and it in kyo point of view and kyo doesn't knew much about his father. I know that Aquafox it not the creative but deal with it. But thank for your opinion.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
So just because it's not original means you can completely leap off the bridge and not describe it? You're utterly ignoring the major point of my review. All of your characters, from the star to the fake pokemon are so bland and shallow they all collectively have the emotional depth of a dish.

Aquafox, a blue Vulpix.. Is basically how you have your character describe the fakemon- even in passing that's still poor.

I was unsurprised as Angel chose the pokemon, Aquafox. The water typed seemed to be chosen more and more by girls wanting cutesy things. And it was cute, nearly sickingly so. Sharing a resemblence to its cousin a Vulpix, Aquafox could only be told apart from its fellow by the fact it held only three tails, a rich violet-blue fur and soft pink eyes.

See it gives more thought, more depth, more detail, and a greater sight into how a character would think.

But if you think first person means you can slack, and if you don't want to really try and improve- go ahead.
 
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