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Run PG-13

Discussion in 'Non-Pokémon Stories' started by Todoserugi, Apr 7, 2011.

  1. Todoserugi

    Todoserugi Never Forget

    This is the first creepypasta i wrote. i think its pretty good. if you don't understand tell me.
    "run, run." thought Ben
    He was having the dream again. THe one where you're running and you don't know why, Your only thought is to run.
    Having been told numerous times by his parents, he decides to stop running. As he walks back the way he came, the urge to run becomes stronger and stronger. Then he suddenly becomes calm. He turns around and sees a dog-like creature standing in front of him. He turns and runs. He doesn't get far before a horrible pain rips through his shoulder. He falls to the ground in agony. His arm is laying where the pain started. The skin is ripped apart and the bone is broken off near the shoulder. More pain and more limbs are missing and ripped apart. He begins to grow weaker as the life is sucked from him.
    *********************************************************He was found in his bed with his limbs spread around the room. No evidence was found. No blood trails to the limbs and no finger prints or tooth marks. If only they knew. When you experience this...KEEP RUNNING!
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2011
  2. aswertyuiol

    aswertyuiol Cold turkey.

    I can see multiple typos and it seems quite cliche, you know, the whole 'dream becomes reality' thing. From sentence 5 onwards, it becomes short snappy sentences starting in he, his, the, etc. I got quite bored with it. And you keep switching from past tence to present tence. The dream is present tence but the diagnostics is past tence? What?

    I suggest you proof-read more, maybe get someone to look over it for you. Jot down notes and plan it out beforehand. The monster is quite uncreative too. Dog-like creature? I've seen about six of those in Crappypastas. Plus 'Ben' is quite an overused name for Creepypasta victims, I suggest you search up unusual names or use a name like 'Ike' or 'Mikey'.
    Apart from that, it's not bad.
     
  3. Todoserugi

    Todoserugi Never Forget

    As you can tell, i'm not much of an author, but I've gotten better. When I wrote this, I didn't really care all that much about it, so I haven't edited it or changed it at all. The idea came to me when I was sitting in class, so I just wrote it down. Then, I copied it directly to here.
     

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