Sabrina's Story (a story about a Kirlia)

[PDL]

it's been a while since I attempted to write a fic, so here I go again...

+Chapter Index+
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8 and 9 (bonus)
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18

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Chatper 1.

The light felt warm as it filtered through the glass panes of the windows. It was in fact difficult to tell where the windows ended and wall began. The only thing that separated the glass panes were thin strips of metal frames. Outside the window, a huge sprawling garden was in full bloom, in the middle was a fountain with statues of strange creatures that human beings would call “pokémon”. It was almost like a paradise. The room inside, just like the outside, was filled with flowering and creeping plants of all kinds. There were red flowers, blue flowers, yellow and pink ones as well. It made the room look like a greenhouse. However it was not, for there was beige carpeting on the floor, a mirror at the east and a bed and a nightstand in the northwest corner of the room.

A figure occupied this bed, it was currently sleeping. A beam of sunlight managed to escape through the window and shone it's energy on the occupant's face. She winced as she awoke from her sleep, however her eyes opened up pretty quickly. She yawned as she stretched her arms. She pulled and kicked the sheets of the bed and skipped over to the mirror.

The mirror revealed that she had green hair and red horns placed on either side of her head, which gave her the look that she had what people called “pigtails”, though she never understood how her hair looked like pigs' tails. Her eyes were a cherry red in colour, aside from the unusual colour, they were considered beautiful by human standards. The skin on her face, arms, and most of her body was snow white. It ended at her waist which gave her the appearance that she was wearing a dress that looked like daisy petals. She also had two thin green legs that looked a little like flower stems; they ended in feet which only had two toes each, she was balanced in such a way that she really only needed one on each foot to stand properly. She spun on one of them a few times, as she spun, she reminisced on how lucky she was.

Her name was Sabrina, she was a kirlia and she couldn't be any luckier.

Indeed, Sabrina was an incredibly lucky pokémon. Her first memory was meeting them. It was a beautiful summer day, much like today was. She remembered hatching from her egg and meeting a man and a woman. The psychic type couldn't remember much about their appearance back then, but she did remember that the man had a business suit on, and the woman smelled like flowers. Sabrina also remembered what they said to her:

“Hello there little one” the man said as he bent down to get at her level. The small pokémon opened her mouth and the words that escaped were:

“Ral?” She had a lot of questions in her new mind, one of them was now how she couldn't talk like these people.

“She's perfect” the woman smiled as she stared lovingly at the tiny pokemon. “She's going to be our little girl Charles, our little girl.”

The tiny ralts was then taken to a room where she was weighed, measured and checked up on by a nurse who proclaimed that she was healthy. She was then given a name. Both the man and the woman chose the name Sabrina because there was a famous person who lived far far away who shared the same name.

She also remembered the first time she was put into a pokeball. It was a special pokeball, unlike a regular pokéball which was white on red, this one was an onyx black with gold inner body and a red and gold band on the top. The humans called it a “luxury ball”. She remembered being drawn into it for the first time, it was a strange feeling. She was just getting used to being alive and having a body, but now it felt like she was back inside her egg. Even though she felt like she was being squeezed, it felt absolutely wonderful though, it felt like plush velvet was covering her entire being. In fact, whenever Sabrina felt sad or angry, she would just run to her room, get to her nightstand and go inside her luxury ball. She always felt better after a little while inside it.

Sabrina remembered the first time she came home. She was released from her luxury ball and saw that she was outside. It was the first time she was outside, she felt the wind caress her white body. She also saw her new home, which was the biggest thing she had ever seen. It was a a large mansion, it had marble pillars that were an eggshell white in colour. She went for a tour of her new house and got to see her room. It was a shade of green similar to avocado meat. She also got her first view of the gardens in the backyard. It was full of all kinds of colours and flowers she had never seen before. She couldn't explain it, but seeing the gardens in full bloom made her feel incredibly happy, In fact, she felt the same way to how her new parents felt. Pure joy. Though she was merely a pokémon, she was to be brought up in the same way and with the same privileges as a human child would.

Another happy memory came back to the kirlia as she also remembered when her mom came home with a new baby. When she first met her new brother, she was slightly jealous of the baby, but in time she learned to love him as well. It had been this way ever since.

The pokémon stopped twirling in front of the mirror and snapped back into reality, It was 7:45 AM, it was time to wake her brother.

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hopefully this one will be completed... any reviews, CCs or suggestions will be greatly appriciated...

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Wow! The atmosphere you're creating here is fantastic! Such a pretty story! And your description of the luxury ball was brilliant. So confining, yet so delicious! Everything seems so happy at the moment.

But something about the way you brought her back to reality makes me suspicious of the brother. *shrug* Not sure why. Oh well, great chapter! PM me when you update this, mmm? I'd like to keep reading!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[IceKing]

A beam of sunlight managed to escape through the window and shone its energy on the occupant's face. She winced as she awoke from her sleep, however her eyes opened up pretty quickly. She yawned as she stretched her arms. She pulled and kicked the sheets of the bed and skipped over to the mirror.

Grammar mistake, and try not to begin sentences with the same pronounces consecutively. XD, I've pointed that out in like 75% of my reviews, maybe I am wrong.

She also had two thin green legs that looked a little like flower stems, they ended in feet which only had two toes each, she was balanced that she only needed one on each foot of them to stand properly.

I believe thats a run on sentence. Add some semicolons and coordinating conjunctions

“She's perfect” the woman smiled as she stared lovingly at the tiny pokemon. “She's going to be our little girl Charles, our little girl.”

The tiny ralts was then taken to a room where she was weighed, measured and checked up on by a nurse who proclaimed that she was healthy. She was then given a name. Both the man and the woman chose the name Sabrina because there was a famous person who lived far far away who shared the same name.

LOL, I found it funny how she was like a daughter to them. Hmm...I really really wonder who this famous person could possibly be?



Ok, not a bad story! Lovely descriptions and it defintely has me interested. Try to make your chapters a little longer though, and I suggest you avoid the excessive sentence starter repition. Sorry for the grammar nitpicking, need some way to practice for my English Final! Its an interesting third person limited view, of the Kirlia's views on life and especailly this "brother" whose going to be taking all of her attention away. And for soem reason, I really want to get into a luxury ball now XD

Not bad! Good luck!

 

[PDL]

Wow! The atmosphere you're creating here is fantastic! Such a pretty story! And your description of the luxury ball was brilliant. So confining, yet so delicious! Everything seems so happy at the moment.

glad you liked that

But something about the way you brought her back to reality makes me suspicious of the brother. *shrug* Not sure why. Oh well, great chapter! PM me when you update this, mmm? I'd like to keep reading!

well, does play a significant part, but I won't reveal too much...

Grammar mistake, and try not to begin sentences with the same pronounces consecutively. XD, I've pointed that out in like 75% of my reviews, maybe I am wrong.

must have miss that, thanks though but what's a pronounce?

I believe thats a run on sentence. Add some semicolons and coordinating conjunctions

ah right, the semicolon... I never got into the habit of using that much... I'll remember that next time.

LOL, I found it funny how she was like a daughter to them. Hmm...I really really wonder who this famous person could possibly be?

I guess the origin of her name isn't relevent to the plot, and I couldn't really think of a better name :\

Ok, not a bad story! Lovely descriptions and it defintely has me interested. Try to make your chapters a little longer though, and I suggest you avoid the excessive sentence starter repition. Sorry for the grammar nitpicking, need some way to practice for my English Final! Its an interesting third person limited view, of the Kirlia's views on life and especailly this "brother" whose going to be taking all of her attention away. And for soem reason, I really want to get into a luxury ball now XD

Not bad! Good luck!

I can assure you that the next chapter will be a bit longer then this one, and uh... good luck with your english final

 

[PDL]

here it is, Chapter 2... now to be kinda honest, most of the ideas that I most wanted to use in this fanfic I had used up in this chapter... that's not really good for future chapters since that would mean it may get slightly boring...

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Chapter 2

Every morning, Sabrina would wake her brother. He was usually a heavy sleeper, and she never understood why he preferred to sleep when it was a gorgeous morning, nonetheless, she enjoyed the task.

She remembered back when her brother got some strange machine called an alarm clock. It was designed to awake sleepy humans, but Sabrina certainly didn't like it. She was asleep one time, and the alarm clock sounded, it rang through the third floor with a “RIIIIINNGG”. However, this sound split through her ears like a fire engine or a jackhammer. It jolted the kirlia's nerves like a nasty electric shock. Sabrina's wailing were so loud that they would have drowned out the sound of the alarm clock. It took all morning for her family to console her and make her feel better. Much to Sabrina's relief, the alarm clock was gotten rid of the very day.

The kirlia skipped to the room where her brother slept. It was filled with all kinds of clothes, toys and other items that were tossed in random places, There was bookshelf filled with all kinds of books about different things, such as novels about people and books about pokémon. Sabrina was unable to read or understand the strange markings humans called “words” be she loved looking at the pictures. She would sometimes spend hours looking at pictures in one of her brother's books. Strangely enough, she would also open books just to feel their texture with her hands or her cheek.

In the middle of the huge mess that was her brother's bedroom, it was her brother's bed. It was quite a big bed, and in the middle of it, sleeping in in a strange position was Sabrina's brother. Sabrina went to the edge of his bed and tickled a foot that was hanging out over it. He jerked his leg a little, but he didn't get up. So the kirlia hopped on to the bed and nudged his shoulder.

“gotta get... away from... the plumber and... the hedgehog...” He mumbled as he drifted back to dreamland.

Sabrina didn't want to play around anymore. She came close too her brother's sleeping figure. She embraced her long, white, slender arms around him and gave him a kiss, not just any kiss, but a full one. She pressed her lips against his, she even went as far as to insert her tongue into his unsuspecting mouth. This jolted her brother to full wakefulness.

“HEY! Sabrina! Cut that out right now! Stop it!” Her brother yelled in surprised to Sabrina's act. Sabrina recoiled, and got of her brother's bed. Being and a pokémon of feeling and emotion, Sabrina had the constant need to touch and feel all kinds of things and people. Unfortunately, the ralts family are unable to understand or naturally comprehend the idea of personal space. To avoid embarrassing situations, Sabrina was taught when and where was acceptable to touch and feel stuff and when she shouldn't.

“Kirrr..” Sabrina said as she looked downcast, she was sorry for what she did. Her brother was willing enough to forgive her.

“It's alright Sab,” her brother said as he yawned and got out of bed. “to make up for it, I'll help to brush your teeth for you, you might have my germs now” he said with a smile.
“li-a!” Sabrina agreed to that, his mouth did taste a little funny anyway.

Just then, a familiar voice shouted from downstairs in the kitchen.

“Kevin! Sabrina! It's time for breakfast, it's going to get cold!”. It was Janet, their maid. She often made breakfast for Sabrina and her family. Aside from her mother, father and Kevin, Janet was one of her favourite people in their household. Janet would often teach Sabrina arts and crafts while the rest of the family went to work or school.

“Come on, let's get ready for breakfast” Kevin quickly said as he took Sabrina's hand and lead her to the bathroom. There they washed themselves and got ready. Of course, Kevin took longer because he had to change his clothes.

After they were done, they went down the large spiraling staircase and went to the kitchen. The kitchen had black tiling on the floor and black marble for the counters. It often reminded Sabrina of her luxury ball, though the floor seemed a little colder then her ball. Janet had prepared a wonderful breakfast for the family, There was enough food for everyone. Sabrina got to her seat and waited for what breakfast Janet prepared for her. As she waited, she looked at what her mother, father and Kevin were eating. Her parents were eating ham, eggs and toast while her brother was eating his favourite, pancakes with syrup.

She looked at the ham on her parent's plates and her stomach turned with disgust. Another memory came back to her, this time it wasn't a pleasant one. It was evening, the evening before the day humans referred to as “Christmas”, Her parents were hosting a party for other humans. She was just a ralts at the time, She felt a little scared being surrounded by so many people. So she hid behind her dad's leg to avoid the stranger's gazes.

“Don't be shy little one, they won't hurt you” Her dad calmly said as he gently guided the small pokemon out into the open.

“Isn't she an adorable little pokémon!” one of the guests said as she entered the mansion. The draft from the door was icy cold from the weather outside. Sabrina shivered from the cold, so she went further inside her home. It was decorated in all kinds of stuff. The tiny pokémon didn't know what most of the stuff was. As she was looking at all the do-dads and nick-knacks she bumped into another human. It was a man she didn't know. She felt another shiver, not from cold, from fear.

“Oh hello there” said the man as he looked at the ralts. “You look kind of hungry, here, take this”.

The man gave Sabrina a piece of food. It was a cocktail sausage, but she didn't really recognize what it was. It wasn't like the berries she usually ate, nor did it look like a pokeblock she occasionally got as a treat. Maybe it was a special pokeblock, the small pokémon though. Sabrina popped it into her mouth and chewed it a little. She remembered that she didn't like the taste of it at all, but it didn't seem to hurt her.

A few hours later, Sabrina was a little less shy, so she started to show some people how good she was at dancing. She waddled her way to a big space and she started to wave her arms and tilt and sway her head. She was having a lot of fun when all of a sudden, her stomach began to ache and pain, she stopped dancing and clutched her stomach. The pain intensified, tears started to come to the tiny pokemon's eyes. It felt like her body wanted to turn inside out. She let out a scream before fainting from the pain. A few hours later, she woke up in a pokemon center bed. Her mom and her dad were by her side.

“Oh thank goodness you're alright, we almost lost you Sabrina!” her mom said weeping a little.

She learned that the doctors had to pump her stomach out, she felt slightly better, but she was very tired from the ordeal. Sabrina's parent's learned that ralts' stomachs were not made to digest meat and animal proteins, and would react violently if they did consume any.

Sabrina was lost in thought about the horrid incident when her meal came, it was freshly chopped berries: sitrus, mago, aguav and her favourite, wiki berries were included in this berry salad. It looked so beautifully coloured that she didn't want to eat it at first, but her stomach was growling so she decided to eat it anyway. She used a fork to try pick out the wiki pieces so she can eat them first. As she was concentrating on how to use the human utensil, she over heard her parents and Kevin talking.

“So Kevin, are you ready to start your pokemon journey?” asked dad as he took another bite from a piece of toast. “Pokémon training is pretty hard, but we'll support you with whatever you really want, don't forget that son.”

“Thanks dad” said Kevin with his mouth full of food “I'll try my best and do you proud.”

“What pokemon are you going to choose?” mom asked as she took a sip of her tea.

“to be kind of honest, I'm not quite sure, but I'll decide once I get there” Kevin said while swallowing his food.

Sabrina was listening intently on the conversation as she stuck a piece of wiki in her mouth. Journey? Pokémon training? What were they talking about?

After they were done with breakfast, Kevin ran upstairs. Sabrina secretly followed him to see what he was doing. The ten-year old boy went to his room and closed his door, he did not fully closed it however, Sabrina managed to take a peek through the crack in the doorway.

“It's nice living here” Kevin began to say to himself “But I gotta get out of here, I need to experience what the world has to offer, and I can't do that by staying here much longer.”

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hopefully I'll be able to think of better sences or something interesting for future chapters... I hope...

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Whoo, well this is certainly leading somewhere. Talk about family tension! Is Kevin thinking to take Sabrina on his journey? Either as a pokemon or a companion and fellow traveler? And even if he doesn't, how would she cope with his sudden departure and preoccupation with a new pokemon? So complex a problem!

Also on the content topic, I was really shocked when Sabrina slipped her brother the tongue. I mean, I can understand that the Ralts line might be touchy-feely, but I wouldn't have thought they'd be using tongues - just cuddling. Since when would a pokemon even KNOW about kissing with tongue, regardless of whether they knew about personal space or not? Licking, mebbe, since that's a natural behaviour, but I had thought that tongue kissing was a strictly human thing.

Anyway, I really feel that the second paragraph could use a bit of work. Some of the sentences seemed rather childish. 'One time' sounds like you're telling one of your mates a classic yarn, not writing a story. It's alright to use colloquialisms, but do keep in mind that the more professional your story looks, the more people think of it as professional.

Basically the flow could use some improvement. Choppy, awkward sentences break up the reader's concentration and detract from the reading experience. And whilst the length works, don't be afraid to make it longer.

Anyway, congratulations on another chapter! It'll be very interesting indeed to see where this ends up.... ^^

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[IceKing]

*Pops in*

must have miss that, thanks though but what's a pronounce?

Meant pronoun.....lol

I can assure you that the next chapter will be a bit longer then this one, and uh... good luck with your english final

Sorry bout the typo...I was kinda rushing towards the end... ANd I got a 94 on the final (second highest grade in the class)



Hello PDL! Came to say a few words about chapter two... This review isn't going to be all in-depth like Pinecone Tortoise, i tend to get lazy with every other chapter. Well, I still like your descriptions and I liked how you introduced the chapter. The main thing I like about this fic is the tone/atmosphere, I think it's done well and I can really feel the wealthyness of the family and the life of this Kirlia. I started reading Call of the WIld today and I noticed the tones of the first chapters were very similar! I was very disturbed upon reading the description of how Kirlia put her tongue in Kevin's mouth, perhaps a future shipping hint? Its kinda obvious that Kevin will take Kirlia on a pokemon journey, that might be pretty interesting. I was a bit uneasy about that eating meat backstory, that was a bit too much of an unnescary story unless it plays a big part later on... While the chapter isn't bad, I feel its "missing" something thats preventing it from reaching the full potential. *reads above review* Perhaps its the flow?

Overall: Its alright, but its still not that great. The plots still a little dull now, I'm expecting it to spice up later on!

 

[Sike Saner]

“gotta get... away from... the plumber and... the hedgehog...” He mumbled as he drifted back to dreamland.

XD That made me laugh. I love the things people say when they're sleeping. *has fond memories involving the utterance of "cherry chibbles" - don't ask *

I really, really like the premise here. Thumbs-up for the human household that treats a Pokémon as a member of the family rather than a pet. That's very refreshing to see. Sabrina's innocence is just adorable, and the descriptions of her room and her life paint a really lovely picture. That's some pleasant stuff there, very nice, indeed. Kudos. ^_^

 

[PDL]

Whoo, well this is certainly leading somewhere. Talk about family tension! Is Kevin thinking to take Sabrina on his journey? Either as a pokemon or a companion and fellow traveler? And even if he doesn't, how would she cope with his sudden departure and preoccupation with a new pokemon? So complex a problem!

it sure is, and hopefully I think of answers to them

Also on the content topic, I was really shocked when Sabrina slipped her brother the tongue. I mean, I can understand that the Ralts line might be touchy-feely, but I wouldn't have thought they'd be using tongues - just cuddling. Since when would a pokemon even KNOW about kissing with tongue, regardless of whether they knew about personal space or not? Licking, mebbe, since that's a natural behaviour, but I had thought that tongue kissing was a strictly human thing.

yeah, that is kinda weird... strangely enough, this was the very first sence I thought of for this fanfic

Anyway, I really feel that the second paragraph could use a bit of work. Some of the sentences seemed rather childish. 'One time' sounds like you're telling one of your mates a classic yarn, not writing a story. It's alright to use colloquialisms, but do keep in mind that the more professional your story looks, the more people think of it as professional.

ah, yeah, I did find that paragraph a little... lacking... I'll have to expand upon it if I ever re-write the fic...

Basically the flow could use some improvement. Choppy, awkward sentences break up the reader's concentration and detract from the reading experience. And whilst the length works, don't be afraid to make it longer.

this is quite true... I guess I have a short attention span and it seems I want to get through the sence as quickly as possible... I'll have to work on that...

Anyway, congratulations on another chapter! It'll be very interesting indeed to see where this ends up.... ^^

thanks, I would want to know as well...

Hello PDL! Came to say a few words about chapter two... This review isn't going to be all in-depth like Pinecone Tortoise, i tend to get lazy with every other chapter. Well, I still like your descriptions and I liked how you introduced the chapter. The main thing I like about this fic is the tone/atmosphere, I think it's done well and I can really feel the wealthyness of the family and the life of this Kirlia. I started reading Call of the WIld today and I noticed the tones of the first chapters were very similar! I was very disturbed upon reading the description of how Kirlia put her tongue in Kevin's mouth, perhaps a future shipping hint? Its kinda obvious that Kevin will take Kirlia on a pokemon journey, that might be pretty interesting. I was a bit uneasy about that eating meat backstory, that was a bit too much of an unnescary story unless it plays a big part later on... While the chapter isn't bad, I feel its "missing" something thats preventing it from reaching the full potential. *reads above review* Perhaps its the flow?

well, I don't think I'll put shipping in this fic since I know next to nothing about romance... I just wanted to put how "Emotionally-driven" and how easy tricked Sabrina can be I guess... not sure if that makes sense myself though...

Overall: Its alright, but its still not that great. The plots still a little dull now, I'm expecting it to spice up later on!

I did manage to think of something for Chapter 4...

XD That made me laugh. I love the things people say when they're sleeping. *has fond memories involving the utterance of "cherry chibbles" - don't ask *

yeah, that's some subtle fourth walling there...

I really, really like the premise here. Thumbs-up for the human household that treats a Pokémon as a member of the family rather than a pet. That's very refreshing to see. Sabrina's innocence is just adorable, and the descriptions of her room and her life paint a really lovely picture. That's some pleasant stuff there, very nice, indeed. Kudos. ^_^

thanks, I really liked writing those parts

 

[PDL]

well, here's chapter 3... for some reason, I don't really like the way it turned out for some reason... luckly, chapter 4 will change it's pace... though I gotta think about how chapter 5 will turn out...

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Sabrina couldn't believe her ears. She thought her brother was happy living at home with his parents and his sister. How could he leave? Tears started to well up in her eyes. He usually went to school, but he usually came back by the middle of the afternoon. Many things were rushing through her mind. Would he be able to make it in the outside world? Will he come back?

The kirlia was quite confused because of her brother's actions, she needed a plan to get her brother to stay at home with her. She often thought best when she was in the comfy confines of her luxury ball. So she tip-toed back to her room, and went into her nightstand where her luxury ball lay. She touched the button on the front of the ball and it open, she dematerialized and was sucked inside the ball with a purple glow. Inside the ball, she was enveloped by the velvet plushness of the inside of the ball, a feeling Sabrina enjoyed a lot. While inside the psychic pokemon thought of what she should do.

~Maybe you should follow Kevin around...~ Sabrina thought as she lay within the special ball. ~...but you've never been beyond the front yard before, not without mom and dad, how do you know what lies beyond it?~ This question that Sabrina asked herself stopped her train of thought. She was right, she had never really been beyond her family's property on her own before. The idea of being on her own by herself was a frighting thought, however, the thought of losing her brother was just as or even more frightening. She gathered her courage to formulate a plan to at least know what her brother was doing. In order to fully formulate it, she needed to know how much time she had before her brother would leave.

Sabrina released herself from the ball, and went to her brother's doorway. She took a peek through the crack, and she saw her brother. He was acting very strangely

“I want to be the very best” he proclaimed as he struck a pose, confidently standing with his arm outstretched while holding a rubber ball that resembled a voltorb. “because we all live in a pokémon world” as he struck another victory pose. He continued posing for more then 5 minutes, saying things like “It's a whole new world we live in”, “born to be a winner”, “I'm on a master quest” and other random phrases. Sabrina thought this was all extremely odd. Especially since Kevin rarely acted confident. Did all human boys act like this?

Sabrina really didn't know since the only other people she usually talked to was her mom, dad and Janet. Occasionally, other people would come to her house but she would usually shy away from them. She remembered back to a time when Kevin brought his school friends over and... she snapped into reality once more, this was no time for memories, she was on a mission. She decided to sneak inside her brother's room right away.

She very gently pushed the door, she did it so that it wouldn't creak, alerting Kevin to her presence; the door to Kevin's room always creaked. However, instead of being softer the door let out a very drawn out moaning “cccccccrrrrrrreeeeeeeaaaaaaakkkkkkk”. Sabrina winced as the noise sounded throughout the second floor of the mansion. She thought her brother didn't know that she was in the room. A less naive person or pokémon would have obviously known that Kevin would have heard that, but not Sabrina. The psychic pokemon was never good at things that required stealth and hiding.

Kevin of course knew that Sabrina had entered her room, he stopped posing and decided to play along.

“What was that? Oh well, it was probably the wind.” Kevin said in tone that most people would easily recognize as pretending. However, Sabrina was far too easy to fool. Sure enough, Sabrina fell for it and ducked behind his bed to “avoid” Kevin's gaze. Anyone else would have just given up the charade and revealed themselves but not this kirlia. Just then she wondered why on earth she was hiding in the first place, it would have been a lot easier if she just came out into the open and asked him.

So Sabrina gracefully rose up on her tippy-toes and revealed herself to Kevin. Kevin gave a pretend look of astonishment.

“My goodness Sabrina! Were you there the whole time?” Kevin said in jest, Sabrina giggled a little bit, this was the Kevin she was more used to. She suddenly noticed some stuff on the bed and pranced her way over to Kevin. She picked up one of the things, it was a bright red rectangle, it was a device that humans used to play games or other stuff.

“Kir-li?” the psychic pokemon inquired as she handled the strange device.

“That's a pokédex” said Kevin as he took the plastic rectangle out of the pokemon's white hands. “and I don't think you should touch it, you might break it.” Sabrina gave him an annoyed look, she never broke stuff, not on purpose anyway. “It's used to give information about pokemon to trainers, See?” He opened up the device and let it scan Sabrina, the device beeped with life and gave a pre-recorded message

“Kirlia, the Emotion Pokémon; Kirlia have the psychic power to create a rip in the dimensions and see into the future. It is said to dance with pleasure on sunny mornings.”

Sabrina couldn't believe that the device knew about her, she loved to dance, especially on sunny mornings, and she could see into the future. However, she only did it once or twice, but since then, she didn't need to.

“I need it for when I go on my journey.” said Kevin as he closed the pokedex. Sabrina made a sad sigh at the statement. “Don't worry Sabrina, I'll be leaving for littleroot town in about 3 hours, and once I do go, I'll come back home for a bit, then I'll leave to go on my journey.” Kevin said reassuringly. Sabrina felt a little better, but realized that she only had a week before her brother would leave her. She needed to prepare her plan on what to do.

She quickly ran out of Kevin's room, “Hey! Wh-where are you going?” he shouted as Sabrina ran through the hall and back to her room. Kevin looked to see but Sabrina closed her door. “Oh well... I can't wait for Sabrina to meet my starter pokemon...”
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thanks for reading...

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Whoo! A bit short for a chapter, I think, but you've fitted more quality into this little bit than I've seen in chapters that were several times as long.

Kevin's posing... that was great. You almost feel embarrassed for him. but it's cute - as is his personality. ^^ Just seeing the way he plays with his 'little' sister is adorable.

Oh, and another point - don't be lazy and just put '3' or '5', write the whole number out. Numbers amongst the written word cause disruption in the reader's train of thought.

I was a little confused at how Sabrina got 'a week to prepare' from Kevin's comment that he'd 'be back home for a bit'. Seems like a jump in logic.

Eh, apart from that, you've got a great fic here. And like Kevin, I'm eager to see his starter meet Sabrina. Come to think of it, how many other pokemon HAS Sabrina met? She seems so sheltered... hmm. Teh plot thickens.

As a final comment, I'd say lengthen the chapters a bit. There's not a whole lot I can think to comment on with so little to work from. I reckon it still meets the requirements of the rules, but could afford to be a lot longer. ^^

Meh, that'll do as a review for now. Short, but I'm feeling uncreative.

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Sike Saner]

“I want to be the very best” he proclaimed as he struck a pose, confidently standing with his arm outstretched while holding a rubber ball that resembled a voltorb. “because we all live in a pokemon world” as he struck another victory pose. He continued posing for more then 5 minutes, saying things like “It's a whole new world we live in”, “born to be a winner”, “I'm on a master quest” and other random phrases. Sabrina thought this was all extremely odd. Especially since Kevin rarely acted confident. Did all human boys act like this?

XDDDD Those bloody theme songs...

“That's a pokedex” said Kevin as he took the plastic rectangle out of the pokemon's white hands. “and I don't think you should touch it, you might break it.” Sabrina gave him an annoyed look, she never broke stuff, not on purpose anyway.

Aww! Very cute. Sabrina just has the cutest, childlike ways...She's like a little sister, only less aggravating. ^_^

You continue to put forth a lovely story about an irresistible, lovable character. Boss work, there. ^_^

 

[Xiang]

Oh, I simply loved it. ^_^

Original: Yes
Description: Very yes
Content: Funny, touching, and interesting
Spelling and Grammar: A few typos here and there, nothing really to worry about
Characters: Unique and realistic
Me: I'm subscribing and looking forward to future chapters ^^

 

[Angeling]

lol.. good story and nice third chapter. everything was said by the above posters.. but very much nicely done.. if that made sense.

not bad of a story.. ^^;

 

[Dilasc]

Now, this is indeed a very good story. Like others have said, it is well written, but I'm going to be the badguy here, of sorts and bring up errors.

Don't worry, it's all in good tidings to help fix up errors to make it look better.

A figure occupied this bed, it was currently sleeping.

This isn't exactly a sentence that feels right. Say it aloud the way it is writte. The comma doesn't feel very right there at all.

A big problem I notice is punctuation within dialog. If you're breaking between words, use a comma, don't just end a "" without any punctuation at all.

She couldn't explain it, but seeing the gardens in full bloom made her feel incredibly happy, In fact, she felt the same way to how her new parents felt. Pure joy.

Here's a little portion that was touching. It really was, but the words are a bit jumbled. I bolded the I because the word in should not be uppercased if it is following a comma, which in my opinion, should actually be a period with the I still uppercased. Next, the sentence feels a bit awkward. To how her parents felt is a bit clumsy, if you ask me, and could probably be reworded to sound better, and to encompass the fragmented sentence, 'Pure joy.' See if you can rewod it to be a bit more sensible.

I can't remember the rest of the errors, I suppose I'll help find them some time later, but for now, keep up the good work, but watch out for clumsy mistakes.

 

[PDL]

thank you for the reviews and how to improve, they should help quite a bit

Chapter 5 managed to come out great as well... here's hoping that Chapter 6 comes out just as well.

but right now, here's Chapter 4, and this should be where things get interesting...

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Chapter 4

“STUPID SLOWPOKE! Why on earth do you keep using my toothbrush! Ewww... now it has fish scales all over it... THAT'S IT, NO ICE CREAM FOR YOU TONIGHT MISTER!”

The slowpoke looked at the boy with tremendous amount of anger and lunged at him

“AHHHH!!! GET'EM OFF! GET'EM OFF! GET'EM OFF!” the boy screamed in agony as the pink pokemon took a huge bite right out of his face. Off screen though, a laugh track sounded, indicating that this act of violence was supposed to be funny.

Far away from the splendor of the palace Sabrina lived, in both location and budget, two pairs of half-asleep eyes were vacantly staring at the TV screen. One pair belonged to a human being. His tawny brown hair in a mess, his pale skin indicated that he hadn't been outside much lately and the way his T-shirt, that said “Cake man” stretched over his bulk was an easy reminder that he definitely looked a little out of shape. If this person can be described in two words, it would be “Sad Nerd”. The sad nerd was sprawled on his grimy, cigarette-burned, old couch like a beached wailmer or a snorlax that had fallen down and couldn't get up.

Next to fatty was the owner of the other pair of eyes. It was a pokemon, and it's light purple exoskeleton was lightly dusted with cheese puffs. If it wasn't lying upside-down on the couch and was fully awake, it may have intimidating. It suddenly eyed a bag of cheese puffs and in a vain attempt, tried to reach for it with a purple pincer only to be two inches too far. After straining for a few seconds or so, it promptly gave up.

The basement the human and the pokemon occupied was dark and dank with the TV screen as the only source of light in the room, which by the way, smelled like a goat or a pokemon equivalent of one.

“'Greg and the Slowpoke show' will return after a word from our sponsors” a disembodied voice announced as the show cut straight to a commercial break

“Hey, Gligar” Fatty said as he came out of his TV-induced trance to his loafing pokemon, “Do you think we're getting too lazy”.

The only answer he got out of his pokemon was a half-hearted “Geh” noise as it continued to loll about on the couch, still intent on what was going to happen to the boy on the TV.

“Man, we haven't had a call in 3 months... I'm getting bored out of my mind” the fatty complained as an apple was shooting other apples on TV. The gligar finally started to move around and responded with a “Gli-gara-gli-gli”. If Gligar spoke in human, it would have meant “Yeah, me too actually”

“You're applesauce *****” the TV interrupted as the talking apple continued to shoot other fruits. Neither Fatty or Gligar understood at all what on earth the commercial was about as they went on lazing about in front of the TV. As if life could not get any worse. Both Fatty and Gligar haven't had a job to do in three months, they hadn't received any calls so no one probably needed their services. No one... until today.

Fatty was about to fall asleep again when a sound came from another room in the basement. It was a sound that Fatty almost forgot, it was the sound of job, money and the opportunity to put his skills to the test all rolled into one. It was the sound of the phone ringing.

“Ring Ring Ring, Ring Ring Ring, Phone Call! Phone Call” the phone sounded as Fatty struggled to free himself from his couch. His services were finally needed. As he strained to get up but he accidentally tip over and... CRASH! He fell of the couch, causing Gligar, who was equally as surprised of the phone call as Fatty was. This didn't stop Fatty though, he wanted, no needed to get to that phone before the caller hung up, his income, his life and gligar's depended on it.

Fatty quickly got to his feet and ran to the phone, he did so with such speed that you would have thought he was chasing a Christmas farfetch'd, complete with mashed potatoes, buttered carrots, corn, stuffing and all the trimmings. He got to his phone, it was the video phone variety, which, considering the rest of Fatty's grimy office, was very high-tech. Fatty quickly picked up the receiver and pushed the a button labeled “talk” and the monitor turned on. The was the “no visual” screen. Fatty thought this was most weird, video phones would rarely show this screen. Usually the video came on as soon as the receiver was picked up. Unless the call came from outside Hoenn.

The aptly-named fat man looked at the bottom of the screen to see where his call was coming from. Sure enough, the call was not coming from anywhere in Hoenn. It was coming from Orre, a land that was extremely far far away, almost on the other side of the world. It was a desolate wasteland where all of it's native pokemon were extinct, the only pokemon living there now were trained ones that lived with humans and a few extremely hardy feral who manage to eek out an existence in it's vast, unforgiving deserts.

The visual link finally came up and Fatty flinched at the image of the face that appeared on the screen. It was a man who appeared to be in his 60's as his grey balding head would suggest. He also appeared as bulky as Fatty, but it was the look in his eyes and his unbelievably evil grin. It made him look comical, yet threating at the same time, much like an evil clown who is about to devour a small child.

“Oh... um, it's you Evice” said Fatty as he regained his composure. Evice was one of Fatty's regular clients, and had been for years, but the sight of him still sent shivers down his spine.

“Of course it is!” Evice exclaimed in anger, Fatty rarely ever saw Evice in a good mood.

“Wait second sir, aren't supposed to be in prison?” Fatty asked, cringing at the possible answer the angry clown on the other side of the phone line had.

Evice screamed “NO! OF COURSE I'M NOT IN PRISON!, would I be calling you to get more pokemon for my plan?” Fatty knew better then to answer.
“How many times has your plan failed now sir?” Fatty asked instead, however he got the feeling that he was going to regret asking. However, it was too late.

“Twice! GAH! I don't know how but it failed once again! Stupid stupid Greevil... even with XD001 he failed! Impossible!” Evice continued to rant for a few minutes on the video phone. However, Fatty was used to this so he let his eyes glaze over until Evice was done.

After Evice was done, Fatty managed to pipe in, “So should I get more pokemon for your plan sir?”

The scary man finally calmed down, he had released all his rage and was now a lot less angry then before. “Yes, Yes of course.” Evice then added “and get rid of that shirt, it's completely unprofessional, what would Gonzap think if he saw you with it?” Fatty looked at his shirt, Evice was right, a shirt that read “Cake man” was completely unprofessional, especially when you're a member of Team Snag'em. “I'm counting on you to pull through Fatty, no pokemon from you means no shadow pokemon plan, which means no world domination. Alright? Good. Bye” and with that, the screen flickered and turned of as Evice hung up the phone in Orre.

Fatty looked at the blank videophone screen dumbfounded, the only words to come out of his mouth was “Bye...” He went to his closet, took of his embarrassing shirt, exposing his fat belly, and got out his Team Snag'em uniform. He put the uniform on and ran back to the TV room where Gligar was still lazing about. Watching a show on the TV

“Caleb were you making a little tent out of my jacket?”

“I am now”

“Hey, Gligar!” Fatty said, he was feeling energized and much more active since he now had work to do. “Turn of the TV, we got a job to do.”

“Gli!” At once the obedient pokemon suddenly came to life and flew of the couch, pressed a button to turn the TV of and glided his way to Fatty's shoulder.

“Let's go”
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(Greg and Slowpoke originally from Whirl Island Quest V2: unBEARably sexy, created by IceKing, go read it dammit!)
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thoughts?

 

[Sike Saner]

It made him look comical, yet threating at the same time, much like an evil clown who is about to devour a small child.

Yup, that's Evice all over. XD Love that description of him.

Hey, Orre elements! Boss. ^_^ *is disturbingly fond of Colosseum and XD* Wasn't expecting that to come up in this story; it's a nice surprise. How about that thing on the TV with the apples, though, huh? o_0 Bizarre, but also quite funny. Real television needs more fighting apples. It just does.

Question: Does Fatty have a name beyond...er, Fatty?

 

[Xiang]

Ooh nice. I understand why this chapter was short, because it wouldn't exactly fit right at the time because of the setting. Do make sure you make the next chapter longer, although with your nice-quality description I wouldn't mind much.

 

[PDL]

Hey, Orre elements! Boss. ^_^ *is disturbingly fond of Colosseum and XD* Wasn't expecting that to come up in this story; it's a nice surprise.

I'm glad you liked it, I wanted to somehow incorparte Colosseum in this fic... and to have some sort of antagonist...

How about that thing on the TV with the apples, though, huh? o_0 Bizarre, but also quite funny. Real television needs more fighting apples. It just does.

lots of things on TV makes no sense, so why not apples that shoot each other?

Question: Does Fatty have a name beyond...er, Fatty?

that's the best name I can come up with... oh well, doesn't matter too much...

Ooh nice. I understand why this chapter was short, because it wouldn't exactly fit right at the time because of the setting. Do make sure you make the next chapter longer, although with your nice-quality description I wouldn't mind much.

rest assured, Chapter 5 is definately longer...

 

[IceKing]

Damn it, write slower!

Chapter Three

So she tip-toed back to her room, and went into her nightstand where her luxury ball lay. She touched the button on the front of the ball, and it opened, she dematerialized and was sucked inside the ball with a purple glow.

Take out first comma, no subject in second clause. And change that last part. I suggest "dematerializing her and sucking her inside the ball with a purple glow"

“I want to be the very best” he proclaimed as he struck a pose, confidently standing with his arm outstretched while holding a rubber ball that resembled a voltorb. “because we all live in a pokemon world” as he struck another victory pose. He continued posing for more then 5 minutes, saying things like “It's a whole new world we live in”, “born to be a winner”, “I'm on a master quest” and other random phrases. Sabrina thought this was all extremely odd. Especially since Kevin rarely acted confident. Did all human boys act like this?

End punctuation for dialogue please

Occasionally, other people would come to her house, but she would usually shy away from them.

Kevin of course knew that Sabrina had entered her room; he stopped posing and decided to play along.

“What was that? Oh well, it was probably the wind,” Kevin said in tone that most people would easily recognize as pretending.

She picked up one of the things, it was a bright red rectangle, a device that humans used to play games or other stuff.

dont have two it was in a row.

“That's a pokedex,” said Kevin as he took the plastic rectangle out of the pokemon's white hands. “and I don't think you should touch it; you might break it.” Sabrina gave him an annoyed look; she never broke stuff, not on purpose anyway. “It's used to give information about pokemon to trainers, See?” He opened up the device and let it scan Sabrina. The device beeped with life and gave a pre-recorded message.

LOTS of mistakes there. Remember, comma at the end of dialogue instead of periods and semicolon isntead of colon if theres a noun doing a verb in the second part.

Sabrina couldn't believe that the device knew about her; she loved to dance, especially on sunny mornings, and she could see into the future. However, she only did it once or twice, but since then, she didn't need to.

“I need it for when I go on my journey,” said Kevin as he closed the pokedex. Sabrina made a sad sigh at the statement. “Don't worry Sabrina, I'll be leaving for Littleroot Town in about 3 hours, and once I do go, I'll come back home for a bit, then I'll leave to go on my journey,” Kevin said reassuringly. Sabrina felt a little better, but realized that she only had a week before her brother would leave her. She needed to prepare her plan on what to do.

Alright Chapter, dont be afraid to make them longer though. Watch out for the grammar mistakes, mainly end of dialogue and comma splices (where you need a semicolon). Other than that it was fine. Ill review chapter 4 soon!


Chapter Four:

“STUPID SLOWPOKE! Why on earth do you keep using my toothbrush! Ewww... now it has fish scales all over it... THAT'S IT, NO ICE CREAM FOR YOU TONIGHT MISTER!”

The slowpoke looked at the boy with tremendous amount of anger and lunged at him

“AHHHH!!! GET'EM OFF! GET'EM OFF! GET'EM OFF!” the boy screamed in agony as the pink pokemon took a huge bite right out of his face. Off screen though, a laugh track sounded, indicating that this act of violence was supposed to be funny.

*points* Those are my charachters! LAUGH DAMN IT!!!

The sad nerd was sprawled on his grimy, cigarette-burned, old couch like a beached wailmer or a snorlax that had fallen down and couldn't get up.

Are you calling nerds fat??? Oh that is it...*blows on Burnt Flower call* She will burn you to death!

“'Greg and the Slowpoke show' will return after a word from our sponsors” a disembodied voice announced as the show cut straight to a commercial break

Again with the no end dialogue punctuation... Also, it should be 'The Greg and Slowpoke Show'

As he strained to get up but he accidentally tip over and... CRASH! He fell of the couch, causing Gligar, who was equally as surprised of the phone call as Fatty was.

Yeah...this sentence needs serious revision. It makes absolutely no sense at all. Might I suggest something like this?

As he strained to get up, he accidentally tipped over and... CRASH! He fell off the couch, causing Gligar, who was equally as surprised of the phone call as Fatty was, to turn into a giant hot dog!

Fatty quickly got to his feet and ran to the phone, he did so with such speed that you would have thought he was chasing a Christmas farfetch'd, complete with mashed potatoes, buttered carrots, corn, stuffing and all the trimmings.

LOL! You know, I'm writing a new fic (points to sig) with a charachter JUST like him! He's even called Fatty but only for a few instances

The visual link finally came up, and Fatty flinched at the image of the face that appeared on the screen.

It made him look comical, yet threating at the same time, much like an evil clown who is about to devour a small child.

XD. You got a quite funny chapter there. Did my beautiful fanfiction inspire you?

“Wait second sir, aren't supposed to be in prison?”

I believe you want a you after aren't

Fatty knew better than to answer.

then-than

However, Fatty was used to this, so he let his eyes glaze over until Evice was done.

Team Snag'em

Oh come on, you can do better than that

He put the uniform on and ran back to the TV room where Gligar was still lazing about. Watching a show on the TV

“Caleb were you making a little tent out of my jack?”

Do something about that first line and I think jack should be jacket. Also, you need a comma after Caleb

“Turn off the TV, we got a job to do.”

Overall: Interesting introduction of second plot. I truly <3 comedic villains with all my heart, so this will definetely be appealing to me. Good description and details in this chapter, especially with the cheese puff covered Gligar XD I thought this was the best chapter so far in terms of actual writing and it definetely shows that you have skill! Still, always room to crank it up! Again, your biggest problem right now is your grammar. Commas at end of dialogue, semicolons instead of commas when theres a subject and verb in the second part. Just remember that and please remember to proofread *is being a huge hypocrite* Good luck with Chapter 5! I like reviewing this fic since its so short XD




EDIT: YOU PUT ME IN THE WHIRL ISLAND QUEST WRITING MOOD WHILE REVIEWING THIS FIC! THANKS A MILLION! I NEEDED IT BADLY!