Sacrifice: Pokemon Battle Scene One-Shot Contest

[Bay]

(Urgh, posted a long comment about Negrek's review, but then lag ate it up. >.>)

Okay, going to keep things short as I am quite busy at the moment:

Negrek: Haha, you are not the only person that commented on my overuse of "later" and "soon". Duncan did that also for one of the chapters of my current fic. XD And about me using simple words...yeah, I was afraid to misuse a word and didn't really want to use a word the readers have to look up! XD

Okay, from what I can assume, I think I need most help with:

-Not use "later", "sooner", and the other qualifiers.

-More description and powerful words.

Again, thanks a lot for the review. Will try my best to heed your advice when I get the chance to do a rewrite.

And to Sike and Brian, thanks for your guys' review also!

Yeah, will read some of the entries...if Serebii doesn't lag! XD

What is so weird, it is lagging during Black Friday, and I thought everyone will be gone shopping!

 

[Tyrant99]

Well looks like I did as well as I expected to do in this, no matter though.

First of all congratulations to typhlogirl on winning the contest and well done to the other people who entered on ranking higher.

Thank you for the reviews and as for the many grammer problems well its appears my own proof reading abilities lacking and for this one shot a beta was not used quite simple I wasn't able to find one. Besides from grammer and spelling problems I guess the other big thing I missing from this is something that makes it unique and just no another one shot as I think everyone has said everything within this one I did has been seen many times before, and probably better exicuted.

If someone won't mind doing so would they be able to point out what I guess is to others blantently obvious the grammer mistakes, or just the general mistakes I am making regarding grammer.

Finally thank you to the Judges Negrek, Sike and Brian for giving up their free time and being willing to organise and run this contest.

 

[Typhlogirl]

....

Wow, sure didn't expect that! XD (Though I am greatly amused by the fact that all three judges agreed on ranking me second, yet I still won in the end. XDD)

Anyway, thanks to all the judges for taking the time to participate in this; I know from experience how tiring it can be. I'm really grateful for the critiquing; I now know which areas of my writing need improvement. =) I'm glad you three seemed to like my one-shot; I admit, the main drive to write was the thought 'I WANT TO WRITE A (decent) FIC WITH A TYPHLOSION.' XD Eleca is based on a pokemon from my FireRed game, and Deyna is from Silver Version.

Again, thanks to the judges and the other participants. This was quite fun, and I anticipate the next contest. =)

Now to see if my post makes it through the lag.

-;157;

 

[Praxiteles]

Excessive and overwhelming congratulations to Typhlogirl, Purple Drake and The Doctor! Your contributions were very entertainingly grand.

Looking back, I'm surprised my own entry went as high as it did in the ranks. Some of the mistakes were embarassingly glaring, though your review, Negrek, was very illuminating, as were Sike and Brian Powell's. (I agree with Dragonfree on the American Idol comparisons.)

I always thought a very fun part of these competitions was reading the one-shots of the winners - and just about everyone else. Who doesn't like some masterful action?

 

[Brian Random]

Thanks for pointing out the mistakes, Negrek. I've corrected the errors.

Now on a serious note, just yesterday, I noticed that I have made a miscalculation in my review for Arcanine Royale’s entry (seen on page 9 of this thread). The overall score in my review was supposed to be 22.5, not 18.5. So therefore, the rankings in my bottom five have changed.

Original ranks
7. Bay
8. Jirachiman876
9. Fez
10. Tyrant99
11. Arcanine Royale

Changed ranks
7. Bay (I liked this one better)
8. Arcanine Royale
9. Jirachiman876
10. Fez
11. Tyrant99

Keep in mind that even though Bay has the same score as Bay, I liked her entry better.

This also means that the overall rankings have changed for the bottom five.

7. Arcanine Royale with 13 points (Two people liked this fic more)
8. Fez with 13 points
9. Jirachiman876 with 11 points
10. Bay with 10 points
11. Tyrant99 with 5 points

Apologies for the inconvenience.

*Gets glared at and locks himself up* I'm a fic guy, not a mathematician. ^_^; Don't be hurting me now. ^_^;

 

[Bay]

This also means that the overall rankings have changed for the bottom five.

7. Arcanine Royale with 13 points (Two people liked this fic more)
8. Fez with 13 points
9. Jirachiman876 with 11 points
10. Bay with 10 points
11. Tyrant99 with 5 points

Apologies for the inconvenience.

*Gets glared at and locks himself up* I'm a fic guy, not a mathematician. ^_^; Don't be hurting me now. ^_^;

(Has bat on shoulder)

I is mad that my rankings has change, but I is more mad you got math wrong. >.>

(Throws the bat way)

Nah, just kidding Brian. Everybody makes mistakes.

And thinking back on my entry, I could have done better. Even though I actually looked over my fic a few times before I entered it, I guess I was focusing more on the mechanics of it then the emotions and such, which Negrek has a point there. Also, I posted it in PC and Hanako Tabris gave me good constructive criticism too.

So yeah, I am planning to do a rewrite of it one day most likely during my winter break. Dang finals looming soon. >.>

Ack, so far only read Typhlogirl's entry, which is really quite good. And oh, read purple_drake's and Arcanine Royale's. Will try to read the rest of it when time allows. XD

Again, great job on the judging everyone! Can't wait for the next contest!

 

[purple_drake]

*Gets glared at and locks himself up* I'm a fic guy, not a mathematician. ^_^;

Uhm... yeah, I can see that. ^.^;;; You've put my overall score as 27, but last time I checked, 11+11+7 equals 29...

Nothing wrong with not being a mathematician, though. I haven't done math for over four years--quit that subject in my second-to-last year of highschool. Thank God for calculators.

...also, maybe I missed something in the rules and guidelines, but I wasn't aware that you'd be posting the entries along with their scores... I don't suppose you could remove mine? ^.^;;; Kinda want to get it refined before everyone sees it... although I s'pose it's a little late for that, but still. XD

I didn't really get as much time to look over it as I'd've liked before I had to send it in, so I really appreciate the crits. ^^ Although, just to address your comment of it being confusing, Brian... well, it is from Lance's PoV and he is kind of tied up with not being killed... so it would make a certain amount of sense for some attacks and such to appear to come out of nowhere, if he hasn't had the time to look around and properly process what's going on.

That said, I'm going to see if I can't fix it to make it less confusing, since I've had people say the same things about the battles in CaC, too. Sorry about making up words... I have a habit of doing that. IMHO, if it's still clear what they mean, even if they don't technically exist, there shouldn't be anything wrong with using them. And an extra thanks for the extension of the deadline, or else I wouldn't have been able to enter at all!

Oh, and Negrek, the way you mentioned that scene about him potentially sliding off into oblivion down the side of the gorge made me lol... I had TONS of trouble writing that scene, looks like it still needs a little work. Ditto with the Slam on the chopper.

And, of course, thanks to Sike for her praise. You really know how to inflate a girl's ego, yanno that?

*offers judges plates of cookies* ^^ Thanks for all the time and effort you guys have put into this!

*cough* Anyway. 'Nuff about my fic. *showers Typhlogirl with typhlosion-shaped cookies* ^^ Congratulations! I could say tons of stuff (good stuff, I promise! ) about your fic, but I think I'd better wait for when you release it for real, otherwise this'll turn into a review, and it's already long enough. But, it was great, so kudos on the win. ^^

And thanks and congrats to everyone else who participated. ^^ Nice work, everybody!

 

[Brian Random]

Uhm... yeah, I can see that. ^.^;;; You've put my overall score as 27, but last time I checked, 11+11+7 equals 29...

Sorry… mistype. ^^;

...also, maybe I missed something in the rules and guidelines, but I wasn't aware that you'd be posting the entries along with their scores... I don't suppose you could remove mine? ^.^;;; Kinda want to get it refined before everyone sees it... although I s'pose it's a little late for that, but still. XD

Consider it done.

I didn't really get as much time to look over it as I'd've liked before I had to send it in, so I really appreciate the crits. ^^ Although, just to address your comment of it being confusing, Brian... well, it is from Lance's PoV and he is kind of tied up with not being killed... so it would make a certain amount of sense for some attacks and such to appear to come out of nowhere, if he hasn't had the time to look around and properly process what's going on.

I see. Normally, when other writer’s write their character’s POVs they would normally write in first person’s view, writing ‘I’ instead of their character’s name. IMO, if you have done something like that in the first place (because I was reading it for the first time) then maybe the fic would’ve be more understandable because this is Lance’s POV, and it might’ve gotten you a better score from me.

That said, I'm going to see if I can't fix it to make it less confusing, since I've had people say the same things about the battles in CaC, too. Sorry about making up words... I have a habit of doing that. IMHO, if it's still clear what they mean, even if they don't technically exist, there shouldn't be anything wrong with using them.

Well, there are people who can be quite picky and/or strict when it comes to words.

But still, other people enjoyed your work a lot more than I did.

 

[Sike Saner]

To Typhlogirl and everyone else who entered: Congratulations, and thanks for the reading material! ^^

And to both of my fellow judges: Boss work. ^^ Those reviews were very well done.

Also, just because nobody ever responded to this and I feel like it:


I've never seen American Idol, but Simon Cowell is famous far beyond the show for being extremely critical. From some Wikipedia lookuping, Paula Abdul is apparently the nice one, but no matter how much I Googled nobody seemed to have anything to say on Randy Jackson's personality as a judge other than that he says "yo dawg" a lot.

So I'd say Negrek is the "Simon Cowell", Sike Saner is the "Paula Abdul" and Brian is the "Randy Jackson", without having any idea how much alike Brian and Randy actually were.

Heh, I think I'd even be the "Paula Abdul" on a judging panel consisting of me, Paula Abdul, and a robot programmed to have a personality exactly like Paula Abdul's. XP

 

[Dragonfree]

I see. Normally, when other writer’s write their character’s POVs they would normally write in first person’s view, writing ‘I’ instead of their character’s name.

...uh, third person limited exists, you know. And is used for, what, a third of all the written fiction out there?

 

[Brian Random]

...uh, third person limited exists, you know. And is used for, what, a third of all the written fiction out there?

I know that. I'm saying that Purple_Drake could've done it in first person. I'm telling this from experience.