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Saddened Hearts [Pokemon Story]

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Soquid Fpoon

Amazing Trainer
Road to Kiges

Well my first fan fic and I think it's good, but first the Prologue:

Prologue:

It was a hot summer’s day in Lavender town. Cody a young boy with ambitious dreams of becoming a Pokemon professor like his aunt Claude had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of his brother Kiges. Kiges was an official Pokemon master who had conquered the Kanto, Johto, and Hoenn region. Cody was just waiting to tell Kiges everything that went on while he was away, like how Mom’s Roselia evolved and how he caught his first Pokemon a Magnemite. Then around 6:00p.m, a man that wore a brown trench coat and carried a Black suitecase that on the side had a pokeball inprint coming up to the house. He ran with all his might to Kiges, but the man wasn’t him. He looked up to see his dad who looked a lot like Kiges. Cory’s dad came down to his level and looked at Cory with a saddened face. “Cory I’m sorry to say this, but Kiges is died.” At that Cory’s arms flung to his dad and tears started flowing down his face because of the one thing Kiges said to him, “The next time I head out for a journey you can come with me.” Cory asked his dad in disappointed way, “How did he die?” Cory’s dad didn’t know any better way, but to tell Cory the truth. “Cory, there was a train wreck this morning in Goldenrod from where your brother was coming from. They found his suitcase with his wallet in the debris on the wreck.” After they had gone through some more talking they went to go tell mother. She didn’t take it well, but not as bad as Cory. That night Cory wondered all night what if Kiges didn’t die. What if he never got on the train, but they found his suitcase. What if he jumped out of the window, but Kiges was a third class passenger and wouldn’t been able to jump out a window in a crowded seat and probably wouldn’t have survived the jump. All of these thoughts made Cory madder. The next day his dad sent him out to go tell his aunt Prof. Wolff that Kiges had died for she was close with the boys too. She always sent Pokemon to Kiges for Christmas, but had only sent Cory one Pokemon, Korinku, and that had been for his birthday when she heard he had caught a Pokemon. He was getting ready to go and to the new airport by Pallet Town, where he spotted a picture of Kiges and him pretend battling last time Kiges came home. After that he remembered to put the plane tickets in the suitcase as well as his Pokemon which he adored so much. And so Cory set of to tell his aunt. Could there be any surprises? Who knows until next time? Bye.

Corys Pokemon so far: ;081; ;403;
 
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Brian Random

I WAS FROZEN TODAY!!
Just what we need, another amateur...

Problems and solutions:

1. Wrong forum. Read the rules before placing your story.

2. Paragraphing. You need to do some of that, or else people will find it difficult to read this story.

3. Character development. What did Cody and his parents look like? Who is Kiges?

That's all I can give for now, I got another lecture to go to. You ought check out other people's work before thinking up what to write.

Overall score: 0/5
 
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Soquid Fpoon

Amazing Trainer
Wow, thanks thats just what I need a smartalec, dude your such a ... This was orginally the Prolouge and thats what it will be. You can rate it agianafter Ifinsh the 1 officail episode. Bye.
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Wow, thanks thats just what I need a smartalec, dude your such a ... This was orginally the Prolouge and thats what it will be. You can rate it agianafter Ifinsh the 1 officail episode. Bye.

Atleast he follows the rules, unlike you. If it's not FINISHED, don't post it. IF ITS NOT COMPLETE, don't post it. If you want to make lame excuses and not try to get better-

I just report you ;/

Have a nice day
 

Psychic

Really and truly
Kiges is died.
lmao, that was easily my favorite part of your little fic.

Why? It was funny. If you're going to write about something so serious, you could at least try to use proper grammar. Oh, and paragraphing. Looooots of paragraphing. A big block of text is NOT fun to read.
If you're going to write, and you know you have trouble or your first language isn't English, get someone to help you proofread, whether an parent or a sibling or a teacher or someone from around here. As long as you get someone to help you who knows a thing or two about English grammar.

Okay, so now you hopefully get the message that your grammar gets a thumbs down and you need paragraphing like Ash needs a brain. Moving on:


Try to post your fic in the right section. Author's Café is only to post Previews for your story before they come out, and discussions on FanFiction for the people who can discuss it maturely.
You are clearly not mature judging by the way you snapped so rudely at Brain Powell who was doing nothing more than try to help you. Who's the smartalec now, you ungrateful, ignorant little-

Here's some advise: listen to what people here tell you, because they will help. If you don't like it, get out, because here, it isn't all praise and sugarcoating and lollipops.



Oh tes noes, more non praise and sugarcoating and lollipops from teh evil reviewerz of Serebii!

Your 'fic' was written badly. Aside from the grammar and paragraphing, it lacked any form of description, not just of people, places and Pokémon, but also of actions and emotions. The idea of writing is try to and get the readers to feel the same thing the characters feel. In this case, the character felt sad (or so I assume from the crummy description) but I just stared at the computer and didn't blink for a second. I felt no sympathy for him whatsoever.
The characters look terribly flat to me, since you're doing such a poor job fleshing them out. They have little emotion and practically no personality whatsoever. I'll give you effort point for trying to give them a history, but you didn't do such a good job incorporating it into the story, so it was all just very bland.
The 'plot' thus far looks tacky, cliché and quite silly. And the big twist at the end: Kignes isn't dead! :O This is what we call 'being predicable'. =3


Now, you know what you should do when a reviewer chews you out? You go and see what you did wrong. DO NOT deny it, do not argue, do not yell and scream and cry. DO go over your work and see what you did wrong. DO listen to what they said and go by it to try to improve. DO go and read the Stickies such as the FanFiction Rules and Advise for Aspiring Authors.

And that is how we learn and get better.


~Psychic
 

Soquid Fpoon

Amazing Trainer
First of He was telling Cory Kiges was died. Then he told him that he had died in a train wreck. Wow, I suck so bad I quit doing this you evil people. You have no clue what your saying.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
First of He was telling Cory Kiges was died. Then he told him that he had died in a train wreck. Wow, I suck so bad I quit doing this you evil people. You have no clue what your saying.

Lmao, so if you don't like what we say, or how we try to help you, we're the evil people who are stupid?

KK then. I shall be evil and report it to a mod :3
 
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