Note: I do not own Saturday Night Live or Pokemon or have any thing to do with it.
I do not own Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 of SNL.
I did not create these scripts. The people of SNL created them, and fans got it from the show and submitted it. I have changed the castmembers and animal references to Pokemon things.
Please don't sue me and don't call me a rip-off.
Enjoy!
Here is the website I got it from: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/75/75a.phtml
Mightyenas
Professor.....James
European Immigrant.....Morrison
Stage Manager.....Ash Ketchum
[ Open to a small room with two men sitting in chairs ]
Professor: Let us begin. Repeat after me.
[ European Immigrant in tight-mouthed concentration, nods ]
Professor: I would like.....
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] I would like....
Professor: ....to feed your fingertips....
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent] ....to feed yur fingerteeps....
Professor: ...to the Mightyenas.
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ....to de Mighty-eenas.
Professor: Next, I am afraid....
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] I em afred...
Professor: ...we are out...
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ...we are out...
Professor: ...of Linoones.
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ...of Line-oones.
Professor: Would you accept...
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] Would you accept...
Professor: ...a Mightyena...
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ...a Mighty-eena.
Professor: ...in it's place?
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ...een es place.
Professor: Next, "Hey," Ned exclaimed...
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] "Hey," Ned asclaimed...
Professor: "let's boil...
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] "let's boil...
Professor: ...the Mightyenas."
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ...the Mighty-eenas."
Professor: Next...
[ The Professor suddenly gasps, clutches his chest, and falls off his chair to the floor, obviously stricken with a heart attack. The Immigrant looks puzzled for a moment, then repeats the Professors gasp, clutches his chest, and throws himself on the floor. ]
[ Stage Manager enters the scene, peers at the two lifeless figures and looks into the camera and smiles. ]
Stage Manager: Live from Lilycove City.. it's Saturday Night!
===============================================================
New Dad
Old Dad.....Tracey Sketchit
Mom.....Flannery
New Dad.....Ash Ketchum
[ open on close-up of wedding photo of Mom and Old Dad. Pull back to reveal Mom and Son in living room set, as Old Dad, carrying briefcase, comes bursting through the door. ]
Old Dad: Honey, I'm home!
Son: [ runs to greet Old Dad ] Daddy! Daddy!
[ Old Dad scoops up his Son, sits in armchair and places Son on couch ]
Announcer: You have a lovely home, a good job, solid investments, a wonderful family.. everything you need for the future.. or is it?
[ big black "X" appears over Old Dad, as he vanishes from the scene ]
What if you were suddenly out of the picture? Should tragedy strike, what would happen to them?
[ Son waits pathetically for Dad, Mom staring distractedly off into space ]
Sure, you've provided for them financially - but what about their emotional and physical needs?
[ New Dad, also carrying briefcase, bursts through the front door ]
New Dad: Honey, I'm home!
Son: [ runs to greet New Dad ] Daddy! Dady!
[ New Dad scoops up his Son, sits in armchair and places Son on couch, Mom looking pleased ]
Announcer: Yes - it's "New Dad!" - a radically new concept in family insurance coverage. Within seconds after "Old Dad" is out, we'll have "New Dad" in there to take his place. Is your family completely covered? Not just financially, but in every way?
[ New Dad pats his knee sexily, as Mom comes to sit on his lap ]
Why not call your local independent insurance agent today, and aks him about our "New Dad" policy..
[ close-up of original wedding photo of mom and Old Dad, who was "X" over his face ]
..before it's too late. That's "New Dad" - the only insurance that covers all of their needs.
[ New Dad's hand enters frame and slaps sticker of his own face over Old Dad's face in the photo ]
"New Dad" - Tops In Pops.
[ SUPER: "New Dad - Tops In Pops" ]
[ fade out ]
=============================================================
The Courtroom
Judge.....Tyson/Tetsuya
Prosecuter.....Ash Ketchum
Ms. Davis....Delia Ketchum
Defense Attorney.....Brock Harrison
Juror #1.....Tracey Sketchit
Juror # 2.....Morrison
Juror #3.....Misty Waterflower
Jurors..... Butch, Gary Oak, Norman Maple
[open on courtroom ]
Judge: [throwing down the gavel] Now I must have order please or I’m forced to clear this courtroom.
Prosecutor: [questioning Ms. Davis ] Ms. Davis, could you kindly tell the court in your own words what the defendent allegedly said to you when he pulled you into the alleyway?
Ms. Davis: He said “Hey . . . Hey, baby, h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . I can’t, I . . .
Judge: [throws the gavel again] Now, please, Ms. Davis. I know this is very difficult for you but this is extremely important evidence.
Ms. Davis: He said “h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . Don’t make me say it . . .
Defense Attorney: (strangely Jamaican) Objection. The witness is not on trial here. Now obviously what he said was too upsetting for her to repeat.
Prosecutor: Objection. heresay.
Judge: Gentlemen, gentlemen. (atttorneys approach the bench) Now since this evidence is so extremely important, perhaps Ms. Davis might write down the defendent’s remarks on a piece of paper. (Both attorneys concur)
(Ms. Davis writes down the remarks and hands the paper to the Judge. He is speechless from the paper and hands it to the Defense Attorney. Also speechless, he hands it to the Prosecutor. He is startled and annoyed and hands it to jury. Juror #1 is not amused by the paper, hands it to Juror #2, who is also shocked by it. Juror #2 sees Juror #3 is asleep and nudges her to wake up and read the paper. After perusing the paper, Juror #3 turns to Juror #2 and gives the “Okay” to his “proposition”. Juror #2 is flattered (gives that signature Belushi “eyebrow raise”).)
[ fade ]
===============================================================
Koga
.....Koga
Announcer: And now, here's Koga!
[ Koga stands next to a record player, looking nervously at the audience for several seconds, before finally turning the record player on ]
[ Theme From "Mighty Raticate" cartoon begins to play ]
Record:
Mister Trouble never hangs around
When he hears this Mighty sound:
Koga: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]
"Here I come to save the day!"
Record:
That means that Mighty Raticate is on the way!
Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right
Mighty Raticate will join the fight.
[ Koga starts to lip-synch his part by mistake, then stops himself ]
Record:
On the sea or on the land
He gets the situation well in hand.
So though we are in danger, we never despair
'Cause we know that where there's danger, he is there!
He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the air!
We're not worryin' at all
We're just listenin' for his call:
Koga: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]
"Here I come to save the day!"
Record:
That means that Mighty Raticate is on the way!
[ during instrumental break, Koga reaches for a glass of water to wet his lips ]
Record:
We're not worryin' at all
We're just listenin' for his call:
Koga: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]
"Here I come to save the day!"
Record:
That means that Mighty Raticate is on the way!
[ Koga bows to the audience ]
=============================================================
Victims of Sharpedo Bite
Phyllis Crawford.....Delia Ketchum
Martin Gresner.....Morrison
[ open on title graphic ]
[ Music Over: "Mack the Knife", Bobby Darin ]
[ dissolve to talk show set ]
Phyllis Crawford: Hi, I'm Phyllis Crawford, and welcome to "Victims of Sharpedo bite." My first guest: Mr. Martin Gresner from Mossdeep City, Hoenn.
[ reveal Mr. Gresner, sitting in a chair with one leg under the other and one sleeve dangling without an accompanying arm ]
Phyllis Crawford: Mr. Gresner.. would you tell our audience just how you became a victim of Sharpedo bite?
Martin Gresner: I'd be happy to, Phyllis. Uh.. I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from my summer home in Mossdeep City. It was high tide, and, all of a sudden, I felt this sharp, piercing pain in my left shoulder. I didn't know what it was at first, uh.. my left arm felt.. numb. Well, my arm was gone. Since then, I've had to learn to do everything with my right hand.
Phyllis Crawford: Just when did this incident take place?
Martin Gresner: [ tilts his head back to think ] Oh, I'd say maybe.. [ his left hand pokes out from under his dangling sleeve as he counts on his fingers ] ..three, four months ago. [ returns his left hand under his sleeve ] I've had, uh.. I've learned how to shave with my right hand, and eat with one hand --
Phyllis Crawford: Excuse me, Mr. Gresner, but it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there.
Martin Gresner: Nope! It's gone, see? [ uses his right hand to toss his dangling sleeve over his shoulder ] Sharpedo bit it off! Nothing there!
Phyllis Crawford: No, Mr. Gresner, that's your sleeve. [ raises his empty sleeve, then flips the side of his jacket to reveal his hidden left arm ] You do have a left arm, and it looks perfectly normal to me.
Martin Gresner: [ lifts his left arm and examines it ] It does?
Phyllis Crawford: Yes.
Martin Gresner: [ taps his left fingers nervously as he looks down at his right leg tucked under his left leg ] Oh, it was my leg! It was my leg! He bit my leg off, see? I have to hop around on one foot, I'm an invalid, I have a wheelchair --
Phyllis Crawford: Uh, Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there, it's tucked under your other leg. [ grabs his right foot and thrusts his leg out ] You see? You're fine! There's nothing wrong with you.
Martin Gresner: Well, I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off --
Phyllis Crawford: [ slightly annoyed tone ] We'll be back with another victim of Sharpedo bite after this commercial message.
Martin Gresner: [ points to his chin ] I've got a scar here, where my sister pushed me off a porch, and --
[ fade out ]
===========================================================
Jamitol
Man #1 ... Ash Ketchum
Man #2 ... James
Announcer ...
[Two soft-spoken, casually-dressed men address the camera, betraying not a trace of effeminacy. Man #1 is tall. Man #2 is shorter, bespectacled and bearded.]
Man #1: This is my best friend, my business partner, my advisor, my companion, my wife. And I love her. She's quite a gal, you know. She takes care of the house, cooks great meals, makes studded leather vests at our own boutique, and still has enough energy to give me the attention I need at the end of a long day. I don't know how you do it.
Man #2: Well, I take care of myself. I get plenty of rest, go to the Y, eat right and, to make sure I get enough iron and vitamins, I take Jamitol every day. [puts a pipe in his mouth]
Man #1: Makes me take it, too.
[Dissolve to two packages of the product (tablet and liquid) and a large spoon.]
Announcer: Jamitol. More than twice the iron and high-potency vitamins found in other supplements. Tablet or liquid.
[Cut back to the two men. Man #2 takes the pipe out of his mouth.]
Man #1: My wife. She's quite a gal. And I love her for it.
[The two men glance at one another matter-of-factly, as a husband and wife would, then look back at the camera.]
=======================================================
Weekend Update with Ash Ketchum
.....Ash Ketchum
.....May Maple
Announcer: From Saturday Night news headquarters, this is Weekend Update, with Ash Ketchum.
Ash Ketchum: [ talking into the telephone ] What are you wearing right now? [ smiles ] No bathrobe? [ notices the audience, hangs up telephone ] Good evening, I'm Ash Ketchum!
Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Mauville City, where Union President Wattson was reported to have said that former President Lt.Surge will always be a cornerstone in the organization.
Now, world leaders in the news: Hoenn Elite 4 Head Steven met Ricky Rattata at Disneyland this week. The Head presented Ricky with a Stone wristwatch.
Dateline: Viridian City. At a press conference Thursday night, Kanto Head Elite 4 Lance blew his nose. Alert Secret Serice agents seized his handkerchief and wrestled it to the ground.
And, yesterday, in Viridian City, Kanto Head Elite 4 Lance bumped his head three times getting into his helicopter. The CIA immediately denied reports that it had lowered the top of the doorway.
And, Lance was on the campaign trail, announcing in Cerulean City that he had written his own campaign slogan. The slogan? "If He's So Dumb, How Come He's Champ?"
The Post Office announced today -- [ looks around, lost ] Just a second, I lost my place. [ shuffles his papers ] Oh! The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the Johto Region. It's a 10-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.
Ash Ketchum: Murder at the Lilycove Hotel again. For a live report, let's go to May Maple in midtown Lilycove City, at the Lilycove hotel. May?
May Maple: [ over the sounds of sirens in the background ] Ash, I'm standing outside a room on the 15th floor of the Lilycove Hotel, where number 38 in a series of grizzly and bizarre murders has occurred just over an hour ago. [ pan down to reveal two covered bodies, with only yellow socks poking out ] The motive, again - murder, as it has been in the previous 37 slashings. In a bitter peep, the Mayor has called the Lilycove Hotel a poxmark on the neck of midtown Lilycove City. Once again, grizzly death and murder at the Lilycove Hotel. May Maple, reporting.
Ash Ketchum: Still to come: Earthquake Claims Celadon City, Four Million Die in Orre, and Arlene Visits an Art Museum.
[ dissolve to ad parody for Triopenin ]
Triopenin
Announcer ...
Hands ... Ash Ketchum
[Close-up of spotlit hands on a black background.]
Announcer V/O: Arthritis in the adult is painful, lonely, and sometimes difficult to manage.
[The sore, aching hands massage one another's joints.]
Arthritis is particularly annoying when coupled with neuralgia and severe muscular tension. Abrupt weather changes can add discomfort.
[Flashing red lights indicate soreness and pain in the hands.]
Inflamed tissues can cause local swelling, calling for special relief.
[A medicine bottle magically appears between the hands.]
Triopenin, [pronounced: TRY OPENIN'] a compound of powerful anti-arthritic spantials and antihistamines, speeds soothing relief where needed.
[The hands try unsuccessfully to unscrew the bottle's top.]
Triopenin is gentle, non-habit-forming, aids in soothing muscles and liberating stiff, painful joints.
[The hands pound on the bottle top and then try to pry it off, to no avail.]
Soon, you're handling life again, feeling better, and getting a firm grasp on the situation.
[Dissolve to a graphic that reads TRIOPENIN with a photo of two bottles -- one of them shattered, the pink pills spilled across a blue background.]
Triopenin -- get your hands working again. Now with the new childproof safety cap.
[fade]
[ dissolve to Blaine Hotel ad card ]
Announcer: Guests of NBC Saturday Night stay at the fabulous Lilycove Hotel in midtown Lilycove City. Lilycove Motel, a tradition for more than half a century.
Ash Ketchum: Our final story tonight concerns the birth of a baby Psyduck at the Safari Zone. It's the first such birth in captivity on record. The duck made its debut at 9:18 this morning, weighing in at just under fourteen grams, and, according to zoo officials, resembled its mother quite closely. The name given our fuzzy little friend? Simply "Psy". One humourous note: the bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternoon by Goggles, the baby Rhyhorn born in captivity last Wednesday.
Well, that's news this evening. This is Ash Ketchum saying, good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[ Ash quickly redials his phone, as we fade ]
======================================================
Beedrill Hospital
Nurse #1.....Delia Ketchum
Mr. Beedrill #1.....Tracey Sketchit
Nurse #2.....May Maple
Mr. Beedrill #2.....Brock Harrison
Nurse #3.....Misty Waterflower
Mr. Beedrill #3.....Morrison
Mr. Beedrill #4.....Ash Ketchum
[ open on "Beedrill Hospital" title card, over organ-flavored soap opera music ]
Announcer: and now we return to "Beedrill Hospital."
[ dissolve to Beedrill Hospital waiting room, as prospective beedrill dads pace around one another ]
[ Nurse #1 enters carrying baby weedle]
Nurse #1: Mr. Beedrill!
Mr. Beedrill #1: Yes?
Nurse #1: Congratulations! It's a drone!
Mr. Beedrill #1: It's a drone! It's a drone!
[ the other Beedrills congratulate him accordingly, as Mr. Beedrill #1 follows Nurse #1 out of the scene ]
[ the pacing continues, as Nurse #2 enters carrying baby ]
Nurse #2: Mr. Beedrill?
Mr. Beedrill #2: Yes?
Nurse #2: Congratulations! It's a drone!
Mr. Beedrill #2: It's a drone! It's a drone!
[ the other Beedrills congratulate him accordingly, as Mr. Beedrill #2 follows Nurse #2 out of the scene ]
[ the pacing continues, as Nurse #3 enters carrying baby ]
Nurse #3: Mr. Beedrill?
Mr. Beedrill #3: Yes?
Nurse #3: Congratulations! It's a worker!
Mr. Beedrill #3: [ on the verge of disappointment ] It's a worker?
Other Beedrills: Hey, it's a worker. It's a worker.
Mr. Beedrill #3: [ happily ] Awwww, it's a worker!
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: Thus, concludes this week's chapter of "Beedrill Hospital." And, now, a scene from next week's episode of "Beedrill Hospital."
[ dissolve back to the Beedrill Hospital waiting room, as the prospective bee dads continue to pace around one another ]
[ Nurse #1 enters carrying baby weedle ]
Nurse #1: Mr. Beedrill?
Mr. Beedrill #4: Yes?
Nurse #1: Congratulations, Mr. Beedrill, it's a queen!
[ the full group of Beedrills cheer triumphantly ]
[ dissolve back to title card ]
===============================================================
Academy of Better Careers
Woman ... Misty Waterflower
Salesman ... Tracey Sketchit
Lecturer ... Tyson/Tetsuya
Instructor ... Delia Ketchum
Woman with book ... Flannery
[Phone rings in someone's home. A woman picks up.]
Woman: Hello?
[A high pressure salesman, wearing a checkered suit, appears in a superimposed oval, inset next to the woman.]
Salesman: Hello! By just answering this phone call, you have qualified for a challenging new career that could earn you up to eighty dollars a day!
Woman: [enthusiastic] Tell me more! [She listens with interest, sipping from a cup, as the salesman rattles on.]
Salesman: Did you know that the recent glut of late night TV ads for so-called training schools has created a demand for skilled phone answerers to take calls and write down messages? It's true. The countless schools and institutions that teach you computer programming, motel management, airport surveillance and diesel mechanics -- to name but a few -- desperately need operators to stand by at the end of their TV ads. Now, ABC [superimposed text reads: Not Affiliated With The American Broadcasting Company] -- the Academy of Better Careers -- offers you the chance to become one of these sought after, high paid stand-by operators.
[Goofy music begins as we cut to a classroom full of people practicing the fine art of picking up a telephone receiver and saying "Hello" -- an instructor coaches one of the students but the rest are on their own, picking up receivers and putting them down.]
Salesman: You'll learn the latest up to the minute phone answering techniques from our staff of experienced instructors.
[An attractive woman sits in a chair and reads a colorful children's book entitled VISIT TO PHONELAND. It features a cartoon character of a smiling phone on the cover.]
Salesman: You'll explore the telephone -- its past, its present -- and even the amazing picture phones of the future.
[A bespectacled lecturer in suit and tie uses a pointer as he reads from a chalkboard upon which are listed "AREA CODES OF MANY NATIONS" such as CEYLON - 94; CHAD - 235; CHILE - 56; COOKS IS. 685; and COSTA RICA - 506.]
Salesman: In only six weeks, our experts will show you everything you need to know to answer phones professionally.
Lecturer: Ceylon - nine, four. Chad...
[Music ends as we cut back to the woman on the phone, still listening intently to the salesman.]
Salesman: ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Board of Public Instruction and is eligible under the Student--
Woman: Excuse me, Mister. I have to get off.
Salesman: But where are you going?
Woman: To call ABC and start my new career as a sought after, high paid stand-by operator!
[The woman hangs up on the stunned salesman. She starts drinking from her cup. The salesman reappears in a superimposed square, inset next to her.]
Salesman: Hey! Don't let life put you on hold! [Startled by his reappearance, the woman puts down her cup and picks up her phone.] Become a stand-by operator! Call now for free booklet! [Superimposed text reads: CALL NOW (311) 555-4425] Call (311) 555-4425. [Woman, hearing the number, starts to dial.] That's (311) 555-4425. Operators are standing by to take your call.
===============================================================
Trojan Ponyta Home Security
Mr. Kromer.....Morrison
Mrs. Kromer.....Misty Waterflower
Kenny Vorstrather.....Tracey Sketchit
Harvey Morgomaster.....Brock Harrison
[ open on Mr. and Mrs. Kromer sitting on the couch in their living room ]
Mr. Kromer: Oh, honey! "Boeing Boeing" with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.
Mrs. Kromer: Aw, sweetheart, I'm tired. I think I'm just going to have another glass of diet root beer and go to bed, okay?
Mr. Kromer: Alright.
[ sound effect: shattering glass offscreen ]
Mrs. Kromer: What was that?! What's going on?!
[ a man in a ski mask rushes into the room pointing a gun ]
Kenny Vorstrather: Hi there! Please, do not be alarmed! This is only a simulated assault and burglery. Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery! This could happen to you at any time - in fact, it just has!
Mrs. Kromer: Honey, call the police! Do something!
Kenny Vorstrather: No, don't call the police. I am the police! I might be, anyway.. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer. My name is Kenny Vorstrather, and I'm President of Trojan Ponyta Home Security. I broke into your home tonight to show you just how vulnerable you and your family are to crime. I sell a complete range of home and garden security devices. You might say security is my life. I'm fully qualified to make you feel secure - I used to be an armored truck mechanic, in Leeber City, Arizona. And, you, Mr. Kromer, have the perfect right to throw me out of your house - if.. you think.. you can..
Mr. Kromer: If I think I can?! [ stands up ]
Kenny Vorstrather: You're a pretty hefty guy, Mr. Kromer --
[ another masked man rushes into the room pointing a gun ]
Kenny Vorstrather: [ laughs ] Don't worry, folks, you won't hurt you! This is my assistant, he's Vice-President of Trojan Ponyta Security. His name is Harvey Morgomaster. Harvey, like myself, is a security expert. He worked in the Army as a camoflauge artist, painting the insides of funeral homes. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer, we offer a total security protection plan for your family and home. For instance, the TPFLM System.
Mrs. Kromer: TPFLM?
Kenny Vorstrather: Tactically-Positioned Front Lawn Mine. Or.. how about these rec room search lights, co-ordinated for fashionable surveillance. And.. for total protection in the bathroom, Toilet Bowl Piranha. It's a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer.
Mr. Kromer: Well.. wait a minute. If we have our front lawn mined, what do we need this stuff inside the house for?
Kenny Vorstrather: [ thinking ] Okay. Okay. That's a very good question. I'm going to ask you a question now: in the event of a radioactive firestorm, how secure are your foodstuffs?
Mrs. Kromer: Oh, well, we have a fridge.
Kenny Vorstrather: Okay. I'm going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration, a security technique. If you could go into your kitchen right now, and get me a tomato. Just a common household tomato. Green, red, I don't care. Ripe, unripe..
Mr. Kromer: [ reluctant ] Okay.. [ stands up and heads for the kitchen. Kenny shoots gun at him. ]
Kenny Vorstrather: See how frightening that was?! How effective that was in stopping you? Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down! [ Mr. Kromer sits. Kenny hands him the gun ] Here, hang on to this chunk! Feels good, doesn't it? I'm going to ask you a question, Mr. Kromer, and I want you to answer me quite honestly: would you want your wife to be sexually assaulted in her own kitchen?
Mr. Kromer: Well.. no.. of course not.
Kenny Vorstrather: Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?
Mrs. Kromer: Well, it would depend on who the person..
Kenny Vorstrather: Uhhhhh.. look, Mr. Kromer, how much would you pay to keep your family safe? Would you pay, say, two million dollars, if you had it?
Mr. Kromer: Well.. yeah, if I had it, yeah..
Kenny Vorstrather: Or.. one million dollars?
Mr. Kromer: Sure. If I had a million, yeah..
Kenny Vorstrather: Have you got $499.99?
Mrs. Kromer: Honey, we were saving that money!
Mr. Kromer: We were?
Kenny Vorstrather: I don't think you know how unsafe your family really is. Uh.. where's your son, uh..
Harvey Morglomaster: Ronnie.
Kenny Vorstrather: ..Ronnie, right now?
Mrs. Kromer: Uh.. well, he's outside playing in the yard.
Kenny Vorstrather: [ dialing phone ] Ah. Hello, Frank? Put the kid on, will ya?
Mr. Kromer: [ hysterical ] We'll take it! We'll take it!
Kenny Vorstrather: [ into the phone ] Okay, let the kid go. [ hangs up phone ] I'm glad you decided. [ takes out papers ] Here, if you could sign right here, we'll have the contract drawn up..
[ Mr. and Mrs. Kromer awkwardly sign all the forms as the scene fades to black ]
========================================================
Do not call me a rip-off. You people are expecting to much from an autistic 12 year old. Sheesh!
I do not own Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 of SNL.
I did not create these scripts. The people of SNL created them, and fans got it from the show and submitted it. I have changed the castmembers and animal references to Pokemon things.
Please don't sue me and don't call me a rip-off.
Enjoy!
Here is the website I got it from: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/75/75a.phtml
Mightyenas
Professor.....James
European Immigrant.....Morrison
Stage Manager.....Ash Ketchum
[ Open to a small room with two men sitting in chairs ]
Professor: Let us begin. Repeat after me.
[ European Immigrant in tight-mouthed concentration, nods ]
Professor: I would like.....
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] I would like....
Professor: ....to feed your fingertips....
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent] ....to feed yur fingerteeps....
Professor: ...to the Mightyenas.
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ....to de Mighty-eenas.
Professor: Next, I am afraid....
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] I em afred...
Professor: ...we are out...
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ...we are out...
Professor: ...of Linoones.
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ...of Line-oones.
Professor: Would you accept...
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] Would you accept...
Professor: ...a Mightyena...
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ...a Mighty-eena.
Professor: ...in it's place?
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ...een es place.
Professor: Next, "Hey," Ned exclaimed...
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] "Hey," Ned asclaimed...
Professor: "let's boil...
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] "let's boil...
Professor: ...the Mightyenas."
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ...the Mighty-eenas."
Professor: Next...
[ The Professor suddenly gasps, clutches his chest, and falls off his chair to the floor, obviously stricken with a heart attack. The Immigrant looks puzzled for a moment, then repeats the Professors gasp, clutches his chest, and throws himself on the floor. ]
[ Stage Manager enters the scene, peers at the two lifeless figures and looks into the camera and smiles. ]
Stage Manager: Live from Lilycove City.. it's Saturday Night!
===============================================================
New Dad
Old Dad.....Tracey Sketchit
Mom.....Flannery
New Dad.....Ash Ketchum
[ open on close-up of wedding photo of Mom and Old Dad. Pull back to reveal Mom and Son in living room set, as Old Dad, carrying briefcase, comes bursting through the door. ]
Old Dad: Honey, I'm home!
Son: [ runs to greet Old Dad ] Daddy! Daddy!
[ Old Dad scoops up his Son, sits in armchair and places Son on couch ]
Announcer: You have a lovely home, a good job, solid investments, a wonderful family.. everything you need for the future.. or is it?
[ big black "X" appears over Old Dad, as he vanishes from the scene ]
What if you were suddenly out of the picture? Should tragedy strike, what would happen to them?
[ Son waits pathetically for Dad, Mom staring distractedly off into space ]
Sure, you've provided for them financially - but what about their emotional and physical needs?
[ New Dad, also carrying briefcase, bursts through the front door ]
New Dad: Honey, I'm home!
Son: [ runs to greet New Dad ] Daddy! Dady!
[ New Dad scoops up his Son, sits in armchair and places Son on couch, Mom looking pleased ]
Announcer: Yes - it's "New Dad!" - a radically new concept in family insurance coverage. Within seconds after "Old Dad" is out, we'll have "New Dad" in there to take his place. Is your family completely covered? Not just financially, but in every way?
[ New Dad pats his knee sexily, as Mom comes to sit on his lap ]
Why not call your local independent insurance agent today, and aks him about our "New Dad" policy..
[ close-up of original wedding photo of mom and Old Dad, who was "X" over his face ]
..before it's too late. That's "New Dad" - the only insurance that covers all of their needs.
[ New Dad's hand enters frame and slaps sticker of his own face over Old Dad's face in the photo ]
"New Dad" - Tops In Pops.
[ SUPER: "New Dad - Tops In Pops" ]
[ fade out ]
=============================================================
The Courtroom
Judge.....Tyson/Tetsuya
Prosecuter.....Ash Ketchum
Ms. Davis....Delia Ketchum
Defense Attorney.....Brock Harrison
Juror #1.....Tracey Sketchit
Juror # 2.....Morrison
Juror #3.....Misty Waterflower
Jurors..... Butch, Gary Oak, Norman Maple
[open on courtroom ]
Judge: [throwing down the gavel] Now I must have order please or I’m forced to clear this courtroom.
Prosecutor: [questioning Ms. Davis ] Ms. Davis, could you kindly tell the court in your own words what the defendent allegedly said to you when he pulled you into the alleyway?
Ms. Davis: He said “Hey . . . Hey, baby, h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . I can’t, I . . .
Judge: [throws the gavel again] Now, please, Ms. Davis. I know this is very difficult for you but this is extremely important evidence.
Ms. Davis: He said “h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . Don’t make me say it . . .
Defense Attorney: (strangely Jamaican) Objection. The witness is not on trial here. Now obviously what he said was too upsetting for her to repeat.
Prosecutor: Objection. heresay.
Judge: Gentlemen, gentlemen. (atttorneys approach the bench) Now since this evidence is so extremely important, perhaps Ms. Davis might write down the defendent’s remarks on a piece of paper. (Both attorneys concur)
(Ms. Davis writes down the remarks and hands the paper to the Judge. He is speechless from the paper and hands it to the Defense Attorney. Also speechless, he hands it to the Prosecutor. He is startled and annoyed and hands it to jury. Juror #1 is not amused by the paper, hands it to Juror #2, who is also shocked by it. Juror #2 sees Juror #3 is asleep and nudges her to wake up and read the paper. After perusing the paper, Juror #3 turns to Juror #2 and gives the “Okay” to his “proposition”. Juror #2 is flattered (gives that signature Belushi “eyebrow raise”).)
[ fade ]
===============================================================
Koga
.....Koga
Announcer: And now, here's Koga!
[ Koga stands next to a record player, looking nervously at the audience for several seconds, before finally turning the record player on ]
[ Theme From "Mighty Raticate" cartoon begins to play ]
Record:
Mister Trouble never hangs around
When he hears this Mighty sound:
Koga: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]
"Here I come to save the day!"
Record:
That means that Mighty Raticate is on the way!
Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right
Mighty Raticate will join the fight.
[ Koga starts to lip-synch his part by mistake, then stops himself ]
Record:
On the sea or on the land
He gets the situation well in hand.
So though we are in danger, we never despair
'Cause we know that where there's danger, he is there!
He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the air!
We're not worryin' at all
We're just listenin' for his call:
Koga: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]
"Here I come to save the day!"
Record:
That means that Mighty Raticate is on the way!
[ during instrumental break, Koga reaches for a glass of water to wet his lips ]
Record:
We're not worryin' at all
We're just listenin' for his call:
Koga: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]
"Here I come to save the day!"
Record:
That means that Mighty Raticate is on the way!
[ Koga bows to the audience ]
=============================================================
Victims of Sharpedo Bite
Phyllis Crawford.....Delia Ketchum
Martin Gresner.....Morrison
[ open on title graphic ]
[ Music Over: "Mack the Knife", Bobby Darin ]
[ dissolve to talk show set ]
Phyllis Crawford: Hi, I'm Phyllis Crawford, and welcome to "Victims of Sharpedo bite." My first guest: Mr. Martin Gresner from Mossdeep City, Hoenn.
[ reveal Mr. Gresner, sitting in a chair with one leg under the other and one sleeve dangling without an accompanying arm ]
Phyllis Crawford: Mr. Gresner.. would you tell our audience just how you became a victim of Sharpedo bite?
Martin Gresner: I'd be happy to, Phyllis. Uh.. I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from my summer home in Mossdeep City. It was high tide, and, all of a sudden, I felt this sharp, piercing pain in my left shoulder. I didn't know what it was at first, uh.. my left arm felt.. numb. Well, my arm was gone. Since then, I've had to learn to do everything with my right hand.
Phyllis Crawford: Just when did this incident take place?
Martin Gresner: [ tilts his head back to think ] Oh, I'd say maybe.. [ his left hand pokes out from under his dangling sleeve as he counts on his fingers ] ..three, four months ago. [ returns his left hand under his sleeve ] I've had, uh.. I've learned how to shave with my right hand, and eat with one hand --
Phyllis Crawford: Excuse me, Mr. Gresner, but it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there.
Martin Gresner: Nope! It's gone, see? [ uses his right hand to toss his dangling sleeve over his shoulder ] Sharpedo bit it off! Nothing there!
Phyllis Crawford: No, Mr. Gresner, that's your sleeve. [ raises his empty sleeve, then flips the side of his jacket to reveal his hidden left arm ] You do have a left arm, and it looks perfectly normal to me.
Martin Gresner: [ lifts his left arm and examines it ] It does?
Phyllis Crawford: Yes.
Martin Gresner: [ taps his left fingers nervously as he looks down at his right leg tucked under his left leg ] Oh, it was my leg! It was my leg! He bit my leg off, see? I have to hop around on one foot, I'm an invalid, I have a wheelchair --
Phyllis Crawford: Uh, Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there, it's tucked under your other leg. [ grabs his right foot and thrusts his leg out ] You see? You're fine! There's nothing wrong with you.
Martin Gresner: Well, I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off --
Phyllis Crawford: [ slightly annoyed tone ] We'll be back with another victim of Sharpedo bite after this commercial message.
Martin Gresner: [ points to his chin ] I've got a scar here, where my sister pushed me off a porch, and --
[ fade out ]
===========================================================
Jamitol
Man #1 ... Ash Ketchum
Man #2 ... James
Announcer ...
[Two soft-spoken, casually-dressed men address the camera, betraying not a trace of effeminacy. Man #1 is tall. Man #2 is shorter, bespectacled and bearded.]
Man #1: This is my best friend, my business partner, my advisor, my companion, my wife. And I love her. She's quite a gal, you know. She takes care of the house, cooks great meals, makes studded leather vests at our own boutique, and still has enough energy to give me the attention I need at the end of a long day. I don't know how you do it.
Man #2: Well, I take care of myself. I get plenty of rest, go to the Y, eat right and, to make sure I get enough iron and vitamins, I take Jamitol every day. [puts a pipe in his mouth]
Man #1: Makes me take it, too.
[Dissolve to two packages of the product (tablet and liquid) and a large spoon.]
Announcer: Jamitol. More than twice the iron and high-potency vitamins found in other supplements. Tablet or liquid.
[Cut back to the two men. Man #2 takes the pipe out of his mouth.]
Man #1: My wife. She's quite a gal. And I love her for it.
[The two men glance at one another matter-of-factly, as a husband and wife would, then look back at the camera.]
=======================================================
Weekend Update with Ash Ketchum
.....Ash Ketchum
.....May Maple
Announcer: From Saturday Night news headquarters, this is Weekend Update, with Ash Ketchum.
Ash Ketchum: [ talking into the telephone ] What are you wearing right now? [ smiles ] No bathrobe? [ notices the audience, hangs up telephone ] Good evening, I'm Ash Ketchum!
Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Mauville City, where Union President Wattson was reported to have said that former President Lt.Surge will always be a cornerstone in the organization.
Now, world leaders in the news: Hoenn Elite 4 Head Steven met Ricky Rattata at Disneyland this week. The Head presented Ricky with a Stone wristwatch.
Dateline: Viridian City. At a press conference Thursday night, Kanto Head Elite 4 Lance blew his nose. Alert Secret Serice agents seized his handkerchief and wrestled it to the ground.
And, yesterday, in Viridian City, Kanto Head Elite 4 Lance bumped his head three times getting into his helicopter. The CIA immediately denied reports that it had lowered the top of the doorway.
And, Lance was on the campaign trail, announcing in Cerulean City that he had written his own campaign slogan. The slogan? "If He's So Dumb, How Come He's Champ?"
The Post Office announced today -- [ looks around, lost ] Just a second, I lost my place. [ shuffles his papers ] Oh! The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the Johto Region. It's a 10-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.
Ash Ketchum: Murder at the Lilycove Hotel again. For a live report, let's go to May Maple in midtown Lilycove City, at the Lilycove hotel. May?
May Maple: [ over the sounds of sirens in the background ] Ash, I'm standing outside a room on the 15th floor of the Lilycove Hotel, where number 38 in a series of grizzly and bizarre murders has occurred just over an hour ago. [ pan down to reveal two covered bodies, with only yellow socks poking out ] The motive, again - murder, as it has been in the previous 37 slashings. In a bitter peep, the Mayor has called the Lilycove Hotel a poxmark on the neck of midtown Lilycove City. Once again, grizzly death and murder at the Lilycove Hotel. May Maple, reporting.
Ash Ketchum: Still to come: Earthquake Claims Celadon City, Four Million Die in Orre, and Arlene Visits an Art Museum.
[ dissolve to ad parody for Triopenin ]
Triopenin
Announcer ...
Hands ... Ash Ketchum
[Close-up of spotlit hands on a black background.]
Announcer V/O: Arthritis in the adult is painful, lonely, and sometimes difficult to manage.
[The sore, aching hands massage one another's joints.]
Arthritis is particularly annoying when coupled with neuralgia and severe muscular tension. Abrupt weather changes can add discomfort.
[Flashing red lights indicate soreness and pain in the hands.]
Inflamed tissues can cause local swelling, calling for special relief.
[A medicine bottle magically appears between the hands.]
Triopenin, [pronounced: TRY OPENIN'] a compound of powerful anti-arthritic spantials and antihistamines, speeds soothing relief where needed.
[The hands try unsuccessfully to unscrew the bottle's top.]
Triopenin is gentle, non-habit-forming, aids in soothing muscles and liberating stiff, painful joints.
[The hands pound on the bottle top and then try to pry it off, to no avail.]
Soon, you're handling life again, feeling better, and getting a firm grasp on the situation.
[Dissolve to a graphic that reads TRIOPENIN with a photo of two bottles -- one of them shattered, the pink pills spilled across a blue background.]
Triopenin -- get your hands working again. Now with the new childproof safety cap.
[fade]
[ dissolve to Blaine Hotel ad card ]
Announcer: Guests of NBC Saturday Night stay at the fabulous Lilycove Hotel in midtown Lilycove City. Lilycove Motel, a tradition for more than half a century.
Ash Ketchum: Our final story tonight concerns the birth of a baby Psyduck at the Safari Zone. It's the first such birth in captivity on record. The duck made its debut at 9:18 this morning, weighing in at just under fourteen grams, and, according to zoo officials, resembled its mother quite closely. The name given our fuzzy little friend? Simply "Psy". One humourous note: the bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternoon by Goggles, the baby Rhyhorn born in captivity last Wednesday.
Well, that's news this evening. This is Ash Ketchum saying, good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[ Ash quickly redials his phone, as we fade ]
======================================================
Beedrill Hospital
Nurse #1.....Delia Ketchum
Mr. Beedrill #1.....Tracey Sketchit
Nurse #2.....May Maple
Mr. Beedrill #2.....Brock Harrison
Nurse #3.....Misty Waterflower
Mr. Beedrill #3.....Morrison
Mr. Beedrill #4.....Ash Ketchum
[ open on "Beedrill Hospital" title card, over organ-flavored soap opera music ]
Announcer: and now we return to "Beedrill Hospital."
[ dissolve to Beedrill Hospital waiting room, as prospective beedrill dads pace around one another ]
[ Nurse #1 enters carrying baby weedle]
Nurse #1: Mr. Beedrill!
Mr. Beedrill #1: Yes?
Nurse #1: Congratulations! It's a drone!
Mr. Beedrill #1: It's a drone! It's a drone!
[ the other Beedrills congratulate him accordingly, as Mr. Beedrill #1 follows Nurse #1 out of the scene ]
[ the pacing continues, as Nurse #2 enters carrying baby ]
Nurse #2: Mr. Beedrill?
Mr. Beedrill #2: Yes?
Nurse #2: Congratulations! It's a drone!
Mr. Beedrill #2: It's a drone! It's a drone!
[ the other Beedrills congratulate him accordingly, as Mr. Beedrill #2 follows Nurse #2 out of the scene ]
[ the pacing continues, as Nurse #3 enters carrying baby ]
Nurse #3: Mr. Beedrill?
Mr. Beedrill #3: Yes?
Nurse #3: Congratulations! It's a worker!
Mr. Beedrill #3: [ on the verge of disappointment ] It's a worker?
Other Beedrills: Hey, it's a worker. It's a worker.
Mr. Beedrill #3: [ happily ] Awwww, it's a worker!
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: Thus, concludes this week's chapter of "Beedrill Hospital." And, now, a scene from next week's episode of "Beedrill Hospital."
[ dissolve back to the Beedrill Hospital waiting room, as the prospective bee dads continue to pace around one another ]
[ Nurse #1 enters carrying baby weedle ]
Nurse #1: Mr. Beedrill?
Mr. Beedrill #4: Yes?
Nurse #1: Congratulations, Mr. Beedrill, it's a queen!
[ the full group of Beedrills cheer triumphantly ]
[ dissolve back to title card ]
===============================================================
Academy of Better Careers
Woman ... Misty Waterflower
Salesman ... Tracey Sketchit
Lecturer ... Tyson/Tetsuya
Instructor ... Delia Ketchum
Woman with book ... Flannery
[Phone rings in someone's home. A woman picks up.]
Woman: Hello?
[A high pressure salesman, wearing a checkered suit, appears in a superimposed oval, inset next to the woman.]
Salesman: Hello! By just answering this phone call, you have qualified for a challenging new career that could earn you up to eighty dollars a day!
Woman: [enthusiastic] Tell me more! [She listens with interest, sipping from a cup, as the salesman rattles on.]
Salesman: Did you know that the recent glut of late night TV ads for so-called training schools has created a demand for skilled phone answerers to take calls and write down messages? It's true. The countless schools and institutions that teach you computer programming, motel management, airport surveillance and diesel mechanics -- to name but a few -- desperately need operators to stand by at the end of their TV ads. Now, ABC [superimposed text reads: Not Affiliated With The American Broadcasting Company] -- the Academy of Better Careers -- offers you the chance to become one of these sought after, high paid stand-by operators.
[Goofy music begins as we cut to a classroom full of people practicing the fine art of picking up a telephone receiver and saying "Hello" -- an instructor coaches one of the students but the rest are on their own, picking up receivers and putting them down.]
Salesman: You'll learn the latest up to the minute phone answering techniques from our staff of experienced instructors.
[An attractive woman sits in a chair and reads a colorful children's book entitled VISIT TO PHONELAND. It features a cartoon character of a smiling phone on the cover.]
Salesman: You'll explore the telephone -- its past, its present -- and even the amazing picture phones of the future.
[A bespectacled lecturer in suit and tie uses a pointer as he reads from a chalkboard upon which are listed "AREA CODES OF MANY NATIONS" such as CEYLON - 94; CHAD - 235; CHILE - 56; COOKS IS. 685; and COSTA RICA - 506.]
Salesman: In only six weeks, our experts will show you everything you need to know to answer phones professionally.
Lecturer: Ceylon - nine, four. Chad...
[Music ends as we cut back to the woman on the phone, still listening intently to the salesman.]
Salesman: ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Board of Public Instruction and is eligible under the Student--
Woman: Excuse me, Mister. I have to get off.
Salesman: But where are you going?
Woman: To call ABC and start my new career as a sought after, high paid stand-by operator!
[The woman hangs up on the stunned salesman. She starts drinking from her cup. The salesman reappears in a superimposed square, inset next to her.]
Salesman: Hey! Don't let life put you on hold! [Startled by his reappearance, the woman puts down her cup and picks up her phone.] Become a stand-by operator! Call now for free booklet! [Superimposed text reads: CALL NOW (311) 555-4425] Call (311) 555-4425. [Woman, hearing the number, starts to dial.] That's (311) 555-4425. Operators are standing by to take your call.
===============================================================
Trojan Ponyta Home Security
Mr. Kromer.....Morrison
Mrs. Kromer.....Misty Waterflower
Kenny Vorstrather.....Tracey Sketchit
Harvey Morgomaster.....Brock Harrison
[ open on Mr. and Mrs. Kromer sitting on the couch in their living room ]
Mr. Kromer: Oh, honey! "Boeing Boeing" with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.
Mrs. Kromer: Aw, sweetheart, I'm tired. I think I'm just going to have another glass of diet root beer and go to bed, okay?
Mr. Kromer: Alright.
[ sound effect: shattering glass offscreen ]
Mrs. Kromer: What was that?! What's going on?!
[ a man in a ski mask rushes into the room pointing a gun ]
Kenny Vorstrather: Hi there! Please, do not be alarmed! This is only a simulated assault and burglery. Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery! This could happen to you at any time - in fact, it just has!
Mrs. Kromer: Honey, call the police! Do something!
Kenny Vorstrather: No, don't call the police. I am the police! I might be, anyway.. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer. My name is Kenny Vorstrather, and I'm President of Trojan Ponyta Home Security. I broke into your home tonight to show you just how vulnerable you and your family are to crime. I sell a complete range of home and garden security devices. You might say security is my life. I'm fully qualified to make you feel secure - I used to be an armored truck mechanic, in Leeber City, Arizona. And, you, Mr. Kromer, have the perfect right to throw me out of your house - if.. you think.. you can..
Mr. Kromer: If I think I can?! [ stands up ]
Kenny Vorstrather: You're a pretty hefty guy, Mr. Kromer --
[ another masked man rushes into the room pointing a gun ]
Kenny Vorstrather: [ laughs ] Don't worry, folks, you won't hurt you! This is my assistant, he's Vice-President of Trojan Ponyta Security. His name is Harvey Morgomaster. Harvey, like myself, is a security expert. He worked in the Army as a camoflauge artist, painting the insides of funeral homes. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer, we offer a total security protection plan for your family and home. For instance, the TPFLM System.
Mrs. Kromer: TPFLM?
Kenny Vorstrather: Tactically-Positioned Front Lawn Mine. Or.. how about these rec room search lights, co-ordinated for fashionable surveillance. And.. for total protection in the bathroom, Toilet Bowl Piranha. It's a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer.
Mr. Kromer: Well.. wait a minute. If we have our front lawn mined, what do we need this stuff inside the house for?
Kenny Vorstrather: [ thinking ] Okay. Okay. That's a very good question. I'm going to ask you a question now: in the event of a radioactive firestorm, how secure are your foodstuffs?
Mrs. Kromer: Oh, well, we have a fridge.
Kenny Vorstrather: Okay. I'm going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration, a security technique. If you could go into your kitchen right now, and get me a tomato. Just a common household tomato. Green, red, I don't care. Ripe, unripe..
Mr. Kromer: [ reluctant ] Okay.. [ stands up and heads for the kitchen. Kenny shoots gun at him. ]
Kenny Vorstrather: See how frightening that was?! How effective that was in stopping you? Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down! [ Mr. Kromer sits. Kenny hands him the gun ] Here, hang on to this chunk! Feels good, doesn't it? I'm going to ask you a question, Mr. Kromer, and I want you to answer me quite honestly: would you want your wife to be sexually assaulted in her own kitchen?
Mr. Kromer: Well.. no.. of course not.
Kenny Vorstrather: Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?
Mrs. Kromer: Well, it would depend on who the person..
Kenny Vorstrather: Uhhhhh.. look, Mr. Kromer, how much would you pay to keep your family safe? Would you pay, say, two million dollars, if you had it?
Mr. Kromer: Well.. yeah, if I had it, yeah..
Kenny Vorstrather: Or.. one million dollars?
Mr. Kromer: Sure. If I had a million, yeah..
Kenny Vorstrather: Have you got $499.99?
Mrs. Kromer: Honey, we were saving that money!
Mr. Kromer: We were?
Kenny Vorstrather: I don't think you know how unsafe your family really is. Uh.. where's your son, uh..
Harvey Morglomaster: Ronnie.
Kenny Vorstrather: ..Ronnie, right now?
Mrs. Kromer: Uh.. well, he's outside playing in the yard.
Kenny Vorstrather: [ dialing phone ] Ah. Hello, Frank? Put the kid on, will ya?
Mr. Kromer: [ hysterical ] We'll take it! We'll take it!
Kenny Vorstrather: [ into the phone ] Okay, let the kid go. [ hangs up phone ] I'm glad you decided. [ takes out papers ] Here, if you could sign right here, we'll have the contract drawn up..
[ Mr. and Mrs. Kromer awkwardly sign all the forms as the scene fades to black ]
========================================================
Do not call me a rip-off. You people are expecting to much from an autistic 12 year old. Sheesh!