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School Of Champions (PG)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by smashlloyd20, Nov 19, 2010.

  1. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member

    Hello, smashlloyd20 here with a fanfic. I can't think of a good introduction to put here, so enjoy!

    Chapter List

    Introductory Arc

    Chapter One: Entrance Exams! The Applicants Assembled!
    Chapter Two: Forest Challenge! Who has Been Selected?
    Chapter Three: First Day! Great Meeting!
    Chapter Four: First Classes! Mudkip's Fatal Flaw!
    Chapter Five: Mudkip in Danger! Jack's Cruelty!
    Chapter Six: The New School Tournaments! Jack's Hidden Past!

    First School Tournament Arc
    Chapter Seven: Lead-Up to the School Tournament! Steven's Advice!

    Before I begin: This chapter has almost no action in it. But never fear, chapter two will be a lot more exciting.

    Chapter One: Entrance Exams! The Applicants Assembled!

    Sam Stone looked up at the massive, imposing gate and gulped.

    He was about to take the entrance exam for the Pokemon School of Masters, widely considered the most prestigious Pokemon School in the world. Champions had been known to give special advanced courses there. Of course, as Sam’s dad was Steven Stone, the champion of the Hoenn region, Sam was naturally attending.

    But that meant first he had to pass the entrance exam. This was not an easy task; every two years, fifty thirteen and fifty fourteen-year-olds applied for the school. But only sixteen from each age group made it in. And Sam was determined to be among the thirteen-year olds.

    Stop stalling and get it over with already, Sam told himself. Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, with his bright blue eyes facing straight ahead, he walked through the gate with his short brown hair blowing in the wind.

    Sam walked through the gate…and stopped dead for the second time that day, in the school’s courtyard. It looked like he was the last applicant to show up. All the would-be students were spread across the courtyard, getting ready for the entrance exam. They looked like any normal group of kids-boys, girls, of all kinds, shapes and sizes.

    But one thing was the same about all of them: the single red-and-white ball strapped to their pants. All these people came from the highest-profile families of Trainers from all over the world. Many of them were warming up their Pokemon, and they looked serious about it. Sam was awestruck by how a 14-year old could possibly have such a strong-looking Scyther…or Sentret…or Sneasel.

    Sam began to wander through the crowd, looking for someone to introduce himself to. But without exception, they all were warming up with their Pokemon like their lives depended on getting into this school. Sam realized for the first time how big of a deal this was for some people here.

    For his part, he didn’t know why his dad was making him apply. He knew full well that he wasn’t good at Pokemon battling, and his chances of qualifying weren’t great. But he was determined to try.

    Then a boy walked through the gate, his wild black hair flying around in the wind. Sam ran over to greet him, glad to finally have someone to talk to.

    “Hey, I’m Sam Stone. What’s your name?” Sam queried.

    “Matt Steck,” he responded. “Am I late for the entrance exam or is everyone just early?”

    “They’re just early,” said Sam, glad to be able to help somebody. “They act like if they don’t qualify, the world will come to a crashing, screeching halt,” he joked.

    “It is a big deal,” Matt replied. “Some kids have trained their whole lives to get into this, the best school in the world. And selection only happens once every two years. So if you miss the cutoff now, you’ll never get another chance.” He rubbed the back of his neck, almost nervously. “I should go train. Sorry, I’ll see you later.” He dashed away.

    Probably a good idea, thought Sam. So he found an empty place in the massive courtyard and pulled the Poke Ball off his belt. “Beldum, time to do some training!”

    The Poke Ball exploded in a flash of light and suddenly a small metal figure floated above the ground. “Bell-dummmmm…”

    “All right Beldum. We have ten minutes, so let’s make it count. Start practicing your Take Down on the pillar over there!”

    Beldum floated back a bit and smashed into the pillar at full speed. And again. And again. Since Take Down was the only attack a Beldum could learn that Sam knew of, he had trained his Beldum in the move for over two years, almost perfecting the technique. And all that training was about to pay off.

    Suddenly, during one of its Take Downs, Beldum froze in midair with a pink aura around it. Sam glanced around, confused, and saw an Abra floating in front of a pack of 5 14-year olds.

    “You’ve got to be kidding, right?” the oldest one sneered. He examined Beldum closely, his brown eyes boring straight into the frightened Pokemon. “Using a Beldum for the entrance exam? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of!”

    Sam cringed at the verbal assault, but the big boy just kept on going. “That’s just pathetic! It’s a disgrace to the school! And I don’t want the school that Jack Smutton goes to getting discredited. I think I should teach you a lesson.”

    He started towards Sam with his fist raised. Luckily for Sam, a bell rang at that exact moment.

    “All candidates please come to the center of the courtyard!”

    Jack shot Sam a venomous look that clearly said, we’ll finish this another time. Then he ran off and Sam bent towards the fallen Beldum.

    "Don't worry Beldum," he reassured it. "You'll always be the best Pokemon in the world to me. Now let's go!" the little metal Pokemon almost seemed to smile as a beam of red light pulled it back into its Poke Ball.

    The rest of the applicants were already assembled, listening intently to a gray-haired man with an uncomfortable-looking suit and tie on. Sam assumed this was the headmaster of the school. He found a seat next to Matt and started to listen.

    “Welcome all applicants to the Pokemon School of Masters. I am David Menlo, and I am the headmaster of the school.”

    Sam grinned. Bingo.

    “But before I am your headmaster, you must first pass the entrance exam. And I will tell you how to do just that.”

    At this, there were a couple of mutterings in the crowd, but a look from Menlo shut them up quickly.

    “Your goal for the exam is simple. We have released many starter Pokemon into the forest on campus. You must catch or otherwise obtain one. We will supply you with one Poke Ball, but you may only bring one Pokemon you have with you. You will be positioned at different points along the forest entrance, and when you hear the bullhorn you may begin. After you capture your Pokemon, you must exit immediately. Then we will judge all of your performances and see who deserves to be a member of this prestigious school. Now I will read off where each person will begin. Jake Luvo, gate 1. Erin Boyd, gate 1…"

    Twenty minutes later. Sam waited at gate 39. He could almost feel the tension crackling in the air. Everyone was determined to be the first out of the forest. Sam waited...

    BEEP! The bullhorn sounded. As Sam charged into the forest, so did 99 other people. Matt was in there somewhere-but so was Jack.

    Steven Stone glanced at the viewscreen again, nervous. As a champion, he was granted permission to sit in the control room above the forest floor and observe the proceedings on the massive viewscreen. He questioned the wisdom again of his decision to apply Sam to this school. The boy was one of the worst battlers Steven had ever seen. But he had astonishing persistence, and great potential was buried in there somewhere. So maybe there was hope.

    Steven immediately took that back. Of course there was hope. There had to be.

    Thus ends chapter one. I know it was boring, but chapter 2 sure as heck won't be.
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2012
  2. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Well, it's an interesting beginning and premise here - I can't say I read many fics with schools used but this one seems to be going about it well thus far. The writing is pretty good - I like the main character so far here, as he seems to be an interesting protagonist, especially for the son of Steven Stone, heh. The first chapter may not have had a lot of action in it but it was still fun to read, so you did a good job with it. =)

    Beldum is quite the fitting choice of Pokemon there as well - I quite approve of that. XD I am already curious to see how his capturing quest goes here to get into the school...

    I particularly like the moment of him waiting with everyone for the bullhorn to sound, and the case of bullying as well - seems like Jack could be also the entertaining character to read about as well, although I will note it seems Beldum was forgotten about after Jack left - maybe having Sam console the Beldum and return him to his Pokeball could be something to add in.

    Other minor things:
    Generally, numbers less than 100 are written out in words - it's a standard writing trend, so for instance it would be '...two years, fifty thirteen and fifty fourteen-year-olds...' and 'sixteen', 'thirteen' over '16', '13' respectively. (Only sixteen strikes me as a small number as well...)
    I would recommend putting thoughts in italics or something like that so they're easier to recongise as a thought initially, although that's partly a presentation suggestion than anything else.

    All in all a nice start, IMO - keep it up and good luck with the rest of the story.
  3. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member

    Thanks! Chapter Two is about 70% done, and may be up tonight. Not sure what happened with the italics (curse you Word!) There's a cool battle scene in the next chapter (I think) and Sam commits a humongous fail with Beldum.
  4. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member

    Alright, here's chapter two. In addition to being an important plot point, we are introduced to a new character, and the first real battle takes place. So you could say this is a pretty important chapter. Enjoy!

    Chapter Two: Forest Challenge! Who Has Been Selected?

    Sam shot into the forest. He ran as fast as he could deeper and deeper in, with the other applicants peeling off to the sides of the forest path.

    Suddenly, Sam spotted a Charmander and stopped dead. He could easily finish the task here and now. He fingered the lone Poke Ball on his hip, and was about to throw it when he remembered he should wear down the Charmander first.

    “Beldum! Let’s do it!” Beldum popped out of its Poke Ball and hovered in front of the little orange lizard. It looked up, surprised. Then it took a deep breath and flames began to grow in its mouth.

    “Char!” It launched the attack at Beldum. Sam frantically thought of what to do.

    “Beldum! Take Down!” Beldum flew forward-straight into the flames. It started to slow down, dropping to the ground right in front of the orange lizard.

    “Beldum!” Sam dashed up to it, even as Charmander ran away. “Are you all right?”

    “Dum…” the metal creature started to rise, then flopped back to the ground.

    “Oh no! Beldum return, I’ll finish this on my own. Somehow…” Beldum was pulled back into its Poke Ball by a stream of red light, and Sam set off through the woods once more. Suddenly a loud horn sounded, and a voice was projected through the forest.

    “All right applicants, the entrance exam has now been running for half an hour, and we will give you a status update. The following Trainers have returned: Conrad Bernowski, Jack Smutton, James King, Sara Martin, and Matt Steck. For all of you still out there, you’ve got time. Just keep going and don’t give up!”

    Somehow, hearing both Matt and Jack had made it back gave Sam a surge of confidence. He was still unsure of what to do, as he had no Pokemon to help him capture a wild starter. But maybe he would get lucky. He ran further into the woods, avoiding the wild Pokemon along the way.

    Sam ran into a large clearing and stopped, sure he heard something sniffling. He looked around curiously, and saw a Mudkip in the corner of the clearing. It had its head on the ground and didn’t seem to notice Sam. As Sam cautiously walked closer to it he noticed one thing: the Mudkip’s head fin was bent sideways at an odd angle, almost looking like it was broken. Then Sam saw something else; the fresh tracks of dozens of other Pokemon. They looked like they had all been curled up in the clearing. Sam realized with a jolt that the starters must have been resting here when the candidates entered the woods. Then the candidates came here and began to catch the starters, and now they were all gone-all except this little Mudkip.

    “Hey little guy,” Sam said softly. The Mudkip glanced up, startled. Sam realized that it really couldn’t see him before. “Want to come with me?”

    The Mudkip stood up, looking excited. “Kip!” It pawed at the Poke Ball on Sam’s waist, disappearing into the sphere in a flash of red light. Sam reflected on how lonely it must have been, just sitting in the clearing while all of its fellows were picked up by trainers.

    Sam was done! He had gotten a Mudkip. Now he just had to get out of the forest. He started running as fast as he could back towards the entrance gate. Then he smashed into something and fell to the ground.

    “Well, well, look. It’s the disgrace.” Sam looked up and found himself staring into the face of Jack Smutton.

    “Jack? Didn’t you finish?” Sam’s heart started to speed up. What was going on?

    “You’re right, shockingly. I finished and registered myself as done. Then I came back here to stop you from finishing.” A slightly crazy look had crept into Jack’s eyes.

    “But…why? You’re pretty much guaranteed to get in anyway,” Sam panted. Did Jack really care about his school’s pride that much?

    “I was sent to the best school in the world. Not a school for trainers who use Beldum!” Jack pulled a Poke Ball out of his belt. “You’re not leaving this forest for a long time yet.”

    Sam was in deep trouble. He closed his eyes and fingered the Poke Ball on his belt with Mudkip in it.

    Then a barrage of sharpened pins flew through the air and struck Jack, knocking him to the ground. A tall trainer with sandy hair standing next to a Nincada stepped confidently out of the trees to confront Jack.

    “Conrad!” Jack was obviously shocked. “What are you doing here?”

    Conrad smiled. “Try to be a bit less obvious next time you sneak out of anything. You make so much noise I’m surprised nobody else followed you.” Then he glanced over at Sam. “Get out of here. I’ll handle Jack.”

    Shocked by the sudden turn of events, all Jack could do was stutter, “W-why?”

    Conrad grinned. “Suffice to say I don’t like cheaters. Now go!” He waved at Sam, who got to his feet and dashed out of the forest.

    When Sam arrived back in the courtyard, his heart sunk. It seemed like all the other applicants had made it back. He headed over to the sign in stand and dropped the Poke Ball with Mudkip in it in a bright yellow tray.

    Sam’s fears were confirmed by the voice that echoed over a loudspeaker. “Attention all applicants! The last person has finished the task. Your performance will now be judged. In half an hour, the results will be announced.”

    Sam groaned inwardly. There was no way he would get in now! And Conrad was still out there somewhere in the forest with Jack…

    Conrad and his Nincada stared Jack down. “I saw what you almost did to that kid, Jack. Are you really that proud?”

    Jack suddenly grinned. “Not that much. That kid…he’s stupid. And I despise stupid people. Now get out of the way or you will wake up tomorrow with a headache.”

    “I don’t think so,” Conrad said. “Nincada, get ready!”

    Jack pulled the Poke Ball off his belt. “Sneasel, go!”

    The ball opened in a flash of light to reveal a vaguely humanoid creature with claws that looked like they could cut steel. “Sneasel!”

    “All right Sneasel, let’s get this over with fast,” yelled Jack. “Slash!”

    “I don’t think so,” said Conrad. “Nincada, block it with X-Scissor!”

    Nincada’s claws glowed with a white light, and as Sneasel came down on it, it held them up diagonally across its head. The weasel was unable to penetrate the insect’s claws, but continued to press downward.

    “Good job Nincada,” called Conrad. “Now release X-Scissor and send Sneasel flying!”

    Nincada’s claws chopped diagonally downward, and Sneasel flew through the air like a feather.

    “Keep it up, Nincada!” said Conrad. “Hit that thing with Bug Bite!”

    Nincada scuttled across the forest floor towards the falling Sneasel. But Jack had other plans.

    “Sneasel, flip and land on your feet! Then dodge Bug Bite and hit it with Night Slash!”

    Sneasel turned a perfect flip in midair and gracefully sidestepped Nincada. It raked down the insect’s side with its claws, knocking it into a tree. It rushed toward the helpless Pokemon, ready to finish the job.

    “Nincada!” cried Conrad. “Get up!”

    “I don’t think so,” said Jack as the insect began to climb to its feet. "Sneasel, Fling it into a tree!”

    Nincada wasn’t fast enough. Sneasel easily picked it up and brutally hurled it into a tree. Nincada slowly got to its feet, but it looked shaky.

    “Let’s finish this,” Jack shouted. “Fury Swipes!”

    “Nincada, Dig!” yelled Conrad.

    Sneasel dashed towards Nincada, but before it could reach it the bug seemingly disappeared into the ground. Sneasel looked around, confused. Then Nincada exploded out of the ground, sending Sneasel soaring into the air.

    “Let’s get this done with!” yelled Conrad while Jack looked on helplessly. “Grab Sneasel with Bug Bite, and slam it into the ground!”

    Flying alongside Sneasel in mid-air, Nincada grabbed its opponent in its mouth. Though Sneasel struggled, it couldn’t escape the pincers’ grip. As Nincada began to fall towards the ground, it put Sneasel in a position for a very painful landing-between itself and the ground.

    The two falling Pokemon smashed into the ground with a bang, sending up a huge cloud of dust. And when it cleared, Nincada was standing in front of the unconscious Sneasel.

    Jack was shocked. “You-“

    “Oh, be quiet,” Conrad interjected. “The selections will be announced soon, we should get back.”

    “Fine,” Jack muttered. “But I swear that next time we meet, I won’t lose!”

    Conrad smiled at that. “I’m sure you won’t,” he said. “Now come on!”


    Sam paced in circles around the courtyard nervously. Conrad and Jack had returned ten minutes ago. Jack had been trudging, which could only have been a good thing. Now the applicants waited for the results of the judging, praying they had been selected. Nervous energy filled the air.

    “Attention all applicants to our school! We have finished judging your performances and will now announce the results!” Mr. Menlo called over a loudspeaker.

    As one, the entire body of applicants shot over to the stage where Mr. Menlo stood serenely. They gathered in front of it like a pack of rabid hedgehogs, all waiting to hear their names called.

    “All right. Everyone please listen, we will be announcing the qualifying fourteen-year olds first. When we call your name, please walk over to the designated area on my right.” Mr. Menlo pointed at a spot about twenty feet to the right of the stage.

    The tension in the crowd was deafening. Everyone stained forward, wanting-needing-to hear their names called.

    Then Mr. Menlo began to read from a crumpled sheet of paper. “Conrad Bernowski. James King. Rachel Appel. Sue Beatty. Jack Smutton. Mark Vander. Jim Goldstein. Kevin Scorf. Jamie Turrisi. Mary Dackow. Rohan Samael. Felps Korav. Kate Stedman. Laila Skrinski. Erica Tomar. Gabrielle Silverman. Please step to the side.”

    The crowd went into an uproar, pushing and shoving and demanding why they hadn’t been picked. Amongst the crowd the selected made their way to the spot on the side of the stage.

    Sam accepted the news with equanimity. He was somehow sure that Conrad was going to make it in, and as much as he hoped to the contrary, Jack was a given too. Sam didn’t know anyone else selected yet, but he would soon enough. If he was selected, that is.

    “Now the thirteen year olds,” Mr. Menlo announced. “Jeremy Novik, Matt Steck, Kimberly Riffel, Sara Martin, Frank Cabiello, Nhan Murphy, Jodi Turner, Tucker Stevens, Ivan Woloshin, Julia Wallansky, Sean Finnegan, Maya Friedman, Christina Sullivan, Keara Shomoto, Nicole Easter…”

    Sam’s heart was racing. There was one spot left. Would it be his?

    “And last but not least,” continued Mr. Menlo, “for outstanding persistence while handicapped…”

    “Sam Stone! All who were selected please take the starter you captured from the bright yellow tray, then enter the school and we will show you to your dorms.”

    Sam barely heard any of Mr. Menlo’s final statement. He collapsed to the ground. He had done it!
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2010
  5. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Ah, are you getting an Internal Server Error with editting (and for that note does it say '500' as well, I wonder if it still says that now...)? If so that means that the database is screwing up the edit as it tries to execute an SQL command instead which it picks out of the chapter. For instance words like select, delete, update, create and extensions (e.g. deletion) will stop you from editting or even posting. To get around that just say italic/change the font of/etc one of the letters of the word and it should get around it (e.g. select here has the 'c' italiced). It's a weird error, but probably the cause of not being able to edit. (It may be the 'selected' word in the chapter title setting it off).

    Anyways this chapter was a nice one too - interesting that he did pass and got a mudkip the way he did - I was also amused with how he had panicked and told his Beldum to attack Charmader after it had spat fire. XD The descripting and pacing remains steady, and Conrad was a neat newcomer - and Jack continue to be quite the interesting character as well. The battle was good as well, and overall the writing is solid. Not much else to say about that, really. *shrugs*
    I feel a comma could go before 'Nincada' there
    Missing quotation mark there.
    olds I feel as there's multiple people being named.

    Overall it's still good - looking forward to him exploring the dorms. =) Keep it up!
  6. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the info about the 6 times the word select is in the chapter. Chapter 3 covers the entire first day, so it might take a while to get up.
  7. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member

    Just a news update here. Chapter three is nine pages long...and only about half done. It's another heavy information chapter, but it'll be the last one for a long time. It introduces the last main character, as well as fleshing out the setting a lot.
  8. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member

    Well, it's finally here. In spite of a broken laptop, Chapter 3 is done! And it's so long I will be posting it in three parts, one a day for the next three days.
    So without further ado...

    Chapter Three: First Day! Great Meeting!

    Sam walked through the gate of the school into a huge gymnasium with the rest of the new students. Mr. Menlo came in behind them, and circled around to the front to address all the students. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

    “All right,” Mr. Menlo said. “This is the main gymnasium where all official school battles are held. You’ll be seeing a lot of this place so get used to it. Follow me…”

    Mr. Menlo walked into a large room that was filled with tables. Probably the cafeteria, Sam thought.

    “This is the cafeteria,” Mr. Menlo said to Sam’s delight. “This is the only room that both years will be in each day at the same time. The food line is in the back, and the dessert line is in the corner there. The last area we’ll visit together is the most important-the training area.”

    The students followed Mr. Menlo out of a door in the back of the cafeteria. Suddenly every student stopped dead with their mouths wide open.

    The training area was enormous. Directly in front of the students stood a huge obstacle course, full of ropes and swings and pits with spikes on the bottom.

    “This is our obstacle course,” explained Mr. Menlo. “It’s used to train Pokemon in speed and agility. It’s a very useful training tool, and just like everything else here will be allowed for use by you during your free time. You’ll also be taking some scheduled class trips out here. Let’s move on to the sandbags now, follow me.”

    The students followed Mr. Menlo past the obstacle course for about ten minutes, finally arriving at a very long line of sturdy-looking sandbags.
    “These are the practice targets,” said Mr. Menlo. “If you want to practice a Pokemon’s attacks on something, these work very well. They are made of reinforced lead and will never break, so eat your heart out! Our last destination will be the arenas. It’s a short walk, let’s go.”

    True to Mr. Menlo’s word, the students walked for about two minutes before they reached eight arenas that looked as if they were brand-new. The most unique thing about them, however, was the large computers on the sides of each of them.

    “This is the most unique part of the training area; the computer controlled arenas,” commented Mr. Menlo. “Although you can of course battle other students here, the real strength of these comes into play when you’re by yourself. You can program in any kind of holographic trainer-their Pokemon, battling style, anything you can think of. These are the most valuable features of the training area and you should all use them,”

    “So,” Mr. Menlo concluded. “Thus ends your tour of our training area. It is the most useful part of campus to you students, and if you wish to do well in this school I expect to see all of you here often.” Mr. Menlo’s gaze swept over the crowd of students.

    “Now, we’ve finished our tour of the campus. We’ll split off into our two separate groups now, and your teachers will show you the dorms. Then you’ll have a bit of free time, and you will go to your classes. Don’t worry-I’ll tell you everything over the microphone. All thirteen-year olds over to that Abra, and fourteen-year olds over to the one behind me.”

    Sam was blown away. He never knew that a facility dedicated to Pokemon training could be so elaborate. His dad had a massive open lot in the back of his house that he practiced in, but compared to this it was nothing.

    Sam tapped Matt on the shoulder. “This…it’s amazing, isn’t it?”

    Matt shook his head in amazement. “I’ll be spending all my time here from now on.”

    Sam grinned. “I’ll be right with you!”

    The thirteen-year olds neared the Abra. It gave a high, keening cry, and the world twisted and vanished.

    Suddenly Sam was back in the main hallway of the school on the floor. He felt like he had just been on a roller coaster. Sam looked around and saw the rest of the thirteen-year olds there, but no fourteen-year olds. He wondered where they were for about a second, and then his thoughts were cut off by a woman that appeared to be a teacher coming down the hall. She was about as plain looking as possible-short gray hair, gray jacket, and gray slacks.

    “Hello class, my name is Mrs. Evins,” she said. “I will be responsible for showing you to your dormitories. Follow me…”

    The students followed Mrs. Evins up the steps at the rear of the main hallway, walked straight through a plain looking hallway, turned right at the end, and arrived at a door that said simply, 13.

    “Welcome to your new homes,” said Mrs. Evins. “These dorms are where you will sleep for the next two years, so we have made every effort to make them comfortable. It’s my job to show you around.” She strode over to the door and pulled it open, then beckoned the rest of the students inside.

    “As you can see, there are three doors here,” said Mrs. Evins. The door on the right leads to the boys’ dorms, and the one on the left leads to the girls’. The door in the middle, though, is very important. Through it there are eight arenas so you can battle other members of your age group once curfew has been called and you have to be back in the dorms.” Mrs. Evins clapped her hands, and Sam jumped.

    “Well, that’s all there is to see in the dorms,” she announced. “Now, you have approximately an hour of free time until 11:00 to go into your dorms and set yourselves up. Your luggage will be inside the door. There is a map and schedule on each bed, make sure to take them and don’t lose them. After you’re done setting yourself up I’d recommend introducing yourself to the rest of the age group, as you’ll be living together for two years. At 11:00 please report to the main courtyard. You are dismissed.” This command sent up a flurry of activity as everybody rushed into the dorms.

    Sam bolted, along with the rest of the thirteen-year old boys, through the right-hand door. He stopped and glanced around to take in the surroundings.

    Everyone’s luggage was piled neatly off to the side. The boys were standing in a large area similar to a common room. In it were couches, chairs, tables, and a large TV. Sam looked towards the back of the room and saw two doors leading into separate rooms. Each room had two bunk beds in it, along with four dressers and a bathroom.

    “All right,” announced Matt. “Let’s get unpacked. Who’s taking which room? I and Sam call a bunk bed together.”

    A short boy with glasses and a nervous air spoke up. “Tucker and I will take the other bunk bed in that room.”

    The boy who responded was the first one’s polar opposite. He was over 6 feet tall and very lanky. He grinned. “Sure thing, Jeremy.” Let me get my stuff moved in.”

    A tall, haughty boy with chilly blue eyes that swept across the room as he talked spoke from the other side of the room. “Ivan and I will share a bunk in the other room.”

    Another kid with very short blond hair and jumpy brown eyes started talking quickly, stumbling over his own words. “O-ok Frank. One second.” He dashed over to a humongous suitcase and began to drag it into his new room.

    A completely ordinary-looking boy with a shock of bright red hair sat up on one of the couches and announced with an air of certainty, “Nhan and I get the last bed.”

    A speck of a boy stood on the table to make him heard. “All right Sean, let’s go!” He walked over to an equally tiny suitcase and disappeared into his room.

    Sam was a bit overwhelmed by all the new people. He realized these would be his family for the next two years, and started to feel light-headed. He shook his head to clear it, grabbed his suitcase, and walked into his new room.

    Sam was once again reminded how elaborate the school was. The room looked like it was built yesterday-freshly made beds, dressers polished to a shine, and not a speck of dust on anything.

    Sam flopped down on his bed and began unpacking his clothes into his dresser. Matt, Tucker, and Jeremy were already unpacked and talking.

    “So,” Matt said. “What are you guys going to do until class starts? I’m checking out the training area. It’s awesome isn’t it?”

    “I’ll come!” piped up Jeremy. “Let me just get my Pokemon out of my backpack.”

    Tucker yawned hugely. “I’ll stay here,” he muttered. “I’m tired.”

    “Suit you,” said Matt. “Sam, are you coming?”

    Sam threw the last sock into his drawer and looked up. “I wouldn’t miss it!”

    Twenty minutes later the three boys stood in front of the obstacle course in the training area, trying to figure out how to complete it. It seemed impossible-it was so huge and elaborate, it looked never-ending.

    “Well,” said Jeremy after a long while of silence, “I’m pretty sure that the post over there is the starting point.” He threw a Poke Ball at it. “Numel, go!”

    The ball opened up in a flash of red light to reveal a brown camel standing on the wooden post. It pawed at the ground and snorted. “Numel.” It began to walk towards the end of the post, staring head-on at the first obstacle; a long chain of wildly swinging ropes.

    “All right Numel,” called Jeremy. “Swing across the ropes!”

    Numel jumped off the end of the post and grabbed the first rope between its legs. It tried to swing off to the next rope, but didn’t go far enough. It plummeted to the wooden floor of the obstacle course, landing with a resounding thud.

    “Numel!” cried Jeremy. He rushed over to the Fire-type camel. “Are you okay?”

    Numel got to its feet and let out a snort. It headed back towards the post, ready to try the obstacle course again.

    “Hold on, Numel,” Jeremy said to it. “Let the other guys have a try first.” Numel snorted but allowed itself to be pulled back into the Poke Ball.

    Then it was Matt’s turn. He hurled a Poke Ball onto the wood post. “Tangela, go!”

    The ball popped open to reveal a Pokemon that looked like it was entirely made of green vines. It lashed some of the vines around in the air, eager to get started.

    “Okay Tangela,” commanded Matt. “Use your vines to swing across the ropes.”

    Tangela extended several of its vines toward the first rope and grabbed on. Then it was off, swinging across the gap with its vines effortlessly. But as it neared the end of the vines, one of its vines tangled itself in another vine. Tangela spun around comically in midair for a moment then dropped to the ground. Surprisingly, it bounced several feet in the air. It immediately stood up and dashed over to Matt. Matt grinned and patted it on the head.

    It was Sam’s turn. He contemplated his options; a Beldum and a partially deaf Mudkip. Sam thought hard, not sure if either of his Pokemon would be able to pass even the first rope.

    Suddenly Sam had a flash of inspiration. He threw a Poke Ball towards the post. “Beldum! Let’s do this!” The metal Pokemon popped out of its ball hovering above the post. “All right Beldum. I want you to hover through all of the ropes. Go!”

    Beldum, kept aloft by psychic forces, floated out among the ropes. It wove in and out of them, easily staying in the air. Then disaster struck. Beldum began to shake in the air. Then it crumpled to the ground like a sack of bricks.

    Sam shot to Beldum’s side. “Beldum! Are you okay?” The Iron Ball slowly but surely lifted itself off the ground and began to slowly float back towards the wood post.

    “No, Beldum,” Sam said. “You’re tired enough as it is. Return.” Sam held up Beldum’s Poke Ball and recalled it in a flash of light.

    “So,” Jeremy said. “Who wants to battle?”

    Sam’s mind went into overdrive. Sam was a terrible battler, and would probably lose to Jeremy within thirty seconds. Jeremy seemed like a nice guy, but who knew what he would do if he found out the real reach of Sam’s battling expertise. “I want to go to the sandbags. Matt, do you want to battle?” He said as an excuse.

    Strangely, Matt didn’t look very happy about the proposal either. “All right…” he said dubiously, and followed Jeremy out onto one of the arenas. They pulled out Poke Balls and began to battle.

    Sam walked over to the sandbags. He fingered Mudkip’s Poke Ball on his belt. I should train it too, he thought. He pulled the ball off his belt and threw it in front of one of the sandbags. “Mudkip! Come on out!”

    The ball opened with a flash to reveal the Mudkip with the twisted radar fin. It pawed the ground and stared at the target, ready to go. “Kip!”

    “All right Mudkip, let’s get some strength training in,” commanded Sam. “Use Mud Shot on the sandbag, full power!”

    Mudkip opened its mouth and a stream of mud poured out of it, hitting the side of the sandbag solidly. Yet it only moved back an inch or so. They really are indestructible, Sam thought. “Keep it up Mudkip!” he yelled. Mudkip increased the volume of mud, barely moving the sandbag an inch further back. This is insane, thought Sam.

    Then he heard a sandbag being stuck very, very hard. He glanced around and saw a girl standing behind a Cyndaquil with a satisfied look on her face. As Sam walked over to greet her, his eyes started catching on little things-like her deep green eyes and her long brown hair. Pretty, Sam thought vaguely.

    Suddenly Sam was standing right next to her. Snap out of it! He thought to himself. “I’m Sam. What’s your name?” he asked.

    “Sara Martin,” she replied. Sam flashed back to the entrance exam, and recalled that Sara Martin was one of the first applicants to return from the forest. She’s good, Sam realized. Unlike me…

    Sara was asking him a question. “Do you know what time it is?” she asked.

    Sam glanced at his watch. 10:50! “Sara! It’s 10:50! Come on, we have to get back to the main courtyard by 11!” he exclaimed. He dashed off, Sara hard on his heels.

    Sam and Sara ran full-speed back through the training area, out the main gates, and arrived back in the courtyard at exactly 11:02. Sam realized that the whole dash, Sara hadn’t fallen behind. Or sweated. Or panted. Looking more closely, he saw no fat on her arms-she looked totally fit. Not a typical girl thing, Sam thought. But then, the girls here are hardly typical…

    “Mr. Stone!” snapped a tall, thin man from the front of the courtyard. “What did I just say?”

    Sam thought frantically. “I…I don’t know, sir…”

    “Unacceptable!” roared the man. “Is that how you address the headmaster? I won’t have it! You and Miss Martin over there have detention 20 minutes before your classes start every day for the next week! Now SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!”

    As there were no chairs in the courtyard, Sam sat on the ground to catch his breath for a few seconds. This was terrible! It was only the first day of school and Sam already had a detention. What would his dad say?

    The headmaster addressed the student body at large. “All right, all you miserable maggots! Our staff is passing out your class schedules now. When you return to your dorms they will be on your beds, along with a map of the school. Please read it and report to your fifth period class onwards. Blah blah blah…” the headmaster skimmed through another few papers, as though trying to make sense of them. He turned back to the students.

    “I guess I have to tell you the rules. Don’t vandalize, no smoking, blah blah blah yada yada yada. Pokemon battles are allowed at any time. Now get out of here. I hope to never have to see any of you little devils again!”
  9. Rediamond

    Rediamond Middle of nowhere

    Okay, that was... interesting. The total reversal in the headmaster's personality was somewhat shocking, and you really set up the school fairly well. Aside from all of that, I'm just hoping that you don't fall into an exact replica of the Harry Potter series set in the Pokemon world. I know there are only so many things you can do with a story set in an elite training school, but...

    Anyways, I really enjoyed the first three chapters, and look forward to chapter four.
  10. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member

    Ahh, hey Rediamond. The parallels to the Harry Potter series were accidental, but rest assured they'll go away soon. Glad you liked the headmaster.
  11. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member

    Chapter 4 is here! While this may not seem like an extraordinarily important chapter, it has one extremely important thing in it that's going to be a problem for a long, long time. It's pretty obvious.

    Chapter Four: First Classes! Mudkip’s Fatal Flaw!

    As the students trailed back to the dorms to find their schedules, chattering excitedly amongst themselves, Matt drew closer to Sam. “Hey,” he said.

    “Hey,” muttered Sam. “The headmaster’s so mean!”

    “He seemed nice before…” remarked Matt.

    “Don’t know what happened,” said Sam. “Maybe he’s got some kind of mental disorder or something.”

    “Yeah,” agreed Matt. “At least it’s only a week. Could’ve been worse.”

    “Worse?” Sam exclaimed. “How could it be worse?” He stalked ahead, wanting to see his schedule. Matt was a good friend, but his dad wasn’t a champion. Steven was almost a god to Sam-a person to be looked up to and admired, always out of reach.

    Sam rushed into the dorm and grabbed the schedule off his bed. He quickly scanned over it, eyes widening in disbelief. The classes were all about Pokemon! Sam read the list to himself. “Period 1, Pokemon Battling Theory. Period 2, Pokemon Catching. Period 3, Free Training Area Time. Period 4, Lunch. Period 5, Applied Pokemon Tactics. Periods 6 and 7, Pokemon training. Period 8, Free Battling Time.” This is insane! Thought Sam. But he was going to do it. He had made it into the academy, and there was no turning back.

    All around Sam, other kids were picking up their schedules and reading them, giving out small cries of shock as they did so. I need to go to period 5, thought Sam. He examined the map and found that it was already labeled with all of his classes. Examining it, he found the classroom for Advanced Pokemon Tactics and set off.

    When he arrived, the classroom was already full except for one desk. Sam made his way over to the desk and sat down. He scanned the classroom and saw Matt, who winked at him, and Jeremy, who edged away from Matt slowly. Sam mouthed to him, what happened? But Jeremy refused to answer. Slightly concerned, Sam continued sweeping his eyes across the classroom. He spotted Sara in the front row, but everyone else were thirteen-year olds Sam hadn’t introduced himself to.

    The teacher, a short Asian man with close-cropped black hair, tuned to face the class. “Hello class, and welcome to Applied Pokemon Tactics,” he said in a direct but not unfriendly voice. “My name is Mr. Chau. This class will focus on applying what you learn in your battling theory class to regular battling. To that end, we will be doing a lot of battling. We will be heading out to the training area a lot, but today we will focus on the three facets of Pokemon battling. Everyone, no matter what class they’re in, is getting this talk. It is vitally important that you remember these three ideas.”

    Mr. Chau turned and began to write on the blackboard in the front of the classroom. “First: Physical Capability. This is the ability to do whatever you tell your Pokemon to do. It’s great to have a perfect strategy where you finish off your opponent with Hyper Beam, but if your Pokemon can’t use Hyper Beam your strategy is worthless.” Mr. Chau continued writing on the board. “Next, tactics. All the power in the world won’t do you any good if you don’t have a way to use it.” Mr. Chau wrote a third thing on the board. “Finally, spirit. I don’t care how strong your Pokemon is or how good your strategy is. If your heart isn’t in it you aren’t going anywhere.”

    Somebody snorted from the front row. Mr. Chau turned on them. “Yes, Frank?”

    Frank was unapologetic. “What good are technique and spirit going to do us?”

    Mr. Chau was obviously struggling to remain calm. “Tomorrow, I will demonstrate. Now, for the rest of the class period, we will be taking an initial written test to assess your level of knowledge about Pokemon. This will not count towards anything so don’t worry.”

    Sam groaned softly. He was still slightly shocked that he had made it into this school at all. And now that they had actual things to do, Sam was sure he would be the laughingstock of the school in no time. But still, Mr. Chau had said himself the test didn’t matter. Maybe it would be easy…

    Then Sam looked at the first question. ‘1. What type is Zangoose?’ Sam racked his brain, desperately trying to figure out the answer. He knew it…he just couldn’t remember! He scribbled down Fighting, and went on to the next question.

    But the questions didn’t get any easier. By the time he got to question ‘50. Suppose you have a Ludicolo on the field and your opponent a Swampert. What would be a good attack to use in this situation?’ Sam was guessing on every question. He scribble down Thunder, and gave the test to Mr. Chau, feeling relieved.

    When the bell finally rang at the end of the period, everyone dashed out the door and started toward their next classes. Sam checked his map for the Pokemon Training classroom. He found it, but it was all the way across campus, near the entrance to the training area. Sam dashed into the classroom, once again the last one to take his seat.

    “Sam, correct?” said the teacher, a short woman that looked like she belonged in a laboratory. She plowed on without waiting for his answer. “Late. I’d mark you down for that, but as it’s the first day I’ll let it slide.” She turned to the rest of the class. “Hello. My name is Mrs. Barker, and I will be teaching your Pokemon Training class.” She walked up and down the rows of desks, glaring at each student in turn.

    “This is your most important class,” she continued. “You can have the best strategies, the best everything, but if your Pokemon can’t do what you want it to do, you’ll never win a battle. So training is very important. It’s two periods long for a reason.”

    She clapped her hands. “We mustn’t waste time. Everyone, to the training area!”

    Everyone got out of their seats and flooded out of the door toward the training area. Sam sought out Matt in the crowd, and fell into step beside him.

    “It’s a bit overwhelming, isn’t it?” remarked Sam.

    “Too right it is!” exclaimed Matt. “Everything’s so official and perfect…I could almost believe that they just sterilized it.”

    Sam laughed. “Exactly. Doesn’t seem like a bad place though, just a bit strict. We’ll get used to it.”

    “Yep,” nodded Matt. “Well, we’re here. Wonder what Barker’s going to have us do.”

    Mrs. Barker stopped the class at the door to the training area. “All right, class,” she said quickly in clipped tones. “I know you’ve already been shown around here, so I won’t waste time.”

    “We’ll be spending the majority of our time here,” she continued. “Sometimes there will be instructed training, and sometimes you’ll have free time. I’m giving you a free period today. Get to work, and don’t let me catch you sitting around!”

    The students shot off to different parts of the training area, not eager to get a detention on their first day. Sam followed Matt and a few other students over to the sandbags, eager to get a little training experience with his new Mudkip. He pulled its Poke Ball off his belt, and threw it on the ground in front of him. “Go, Mudkip!”

    Mudkip popped out of its Poke Ball in a flash of light. It glanced around uneasily, as if unsure of its surroundings. It huddled on the ground, confused and frightened.

    Sam moved to reassure it. All around him, trainers were pulling out new Pokemon. A strong-looking Chimchar stood in front of Matt, already spewing small wisps of flame at the sandbag. Further down the line, Jack was reprimanding a tough-looking Treecko standing on all four legs.

    “It’s okay, Mudkip,” cajoled Sam. “I won’t hurt you. Everything’s going to be fine.” The Mud Fish slowly got up and focused shakily on the target.

    “All right Mudkip!” exclaimed Sam. “Now shoot a Water Gun right at the target!”

    Mudkip opened its mouth, and a stream of water poured out-three feet to the left of the target. Another try produced similar results. Sam was baffled-what was going on? It seemed as if Mudkip couldn’t aim the Water Gun properly.

    Then Mrs. Barker came walking by. “Practicing with your Mudkip, I see? Good. Carry on.”

    “Mrs. Barker,” Sam said. “There’s something weird with Mudkip. He can’t aim his Water Gun correctly for some reason. It keeps going just to the side of the target.”

    Mrs. Barker frowned. “That’s odd. Let me have a look at him.” She took Mudkip in her lap and examined him like a lab specimen. Then she looked up.

    “I see the problem,” she said slowly. “Your Mudkip’s head fin is slightly broken. That’s throwing off its sonar hearing, so it can’t quite perceive the depth of its surroundings correctly.”

    Sam looked at Mudkip’s fin. It was true that it was a little crooked, and its eyes were not exactly looking at Sam. But it wasn’t too crooked, it couldn’t be that bad.

    But when Sam said this, Mrs. Barker shook her head. “I’m afraid it’s worse,” she said slowly. “I’m afraid you will need a new starter Pokemon.”
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2011
  12. Rediamond

    Rediamond Middle of nowhere

    No, I didn't forget to review this.

    It seemed... rushed or brief compared to the other chapters.

    There were a few genuinely comical moments that made up for it, however.

    Also, in the anime, it probably would be best to Thunder the Swampert, just saying...

    Overall, it just seemed really short/rushed, but it was still really good.
  13. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member


    This chapter ended up being split up into two parts as putting them together made it break the posting limit, so I apologize for any rushed feelings this chapter may have had.

    Also, Pikachu once battled a Swampert. Thunder did nothing.

    I'm currently working like mad on chapter 5. I think it's a really 'nice' chapter, and really helps build Sam's character. Should be up tomorrow or Tuesday.
  14. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member

    Sorry about the delay guys. I had all but to pages of this ready by Tuesday...then I got hit with a huge wave of writer's block...

    But enough complaining. Chapter 5 is here, so enjoy!

    Chapter Five: Mudkip in Danger! Jack’s Cruelty!

    Sam simply stood in place, shocked. Give up Mudkip? Sam had only had the little mud fish for a day, but already he’d become a source of happiness to Sam-and the Water-type seemed happy to be with his trainer.

    “…No,” Sam said, finally finding his voice. “Mudkip’s my Pokemon. I’m not giving him up.”

    “I’m afraid that’s not possible,” Mrs. Barker said, kindly but with an edge to her voice. “We have a general consensus at our school that trainers may only use healthy, strong Pokemon. That Mudkip of yours does not qualify. Now please give him to me or you will be punished.”

    Out of the corner of his eye, Sam saw that the whole class had gathered behind Mrs. Barker to watch the argument. Sam’s eyes sought out Matt, who was standing right at the front of the crowd. Sam’s new best friend gave him a thumbs-up, as if to say good job!

    That was when Sam made up his mind. Mudkip was his, and he was going to keep it-punishment or no punishment.

    “Well, Mr. Stone?” demanded Mrs. Barker. “Give me the Mudkip, now.”

    “No,” Sam said firmly. His heart was racing. He had no idea what he was doing-he was completely focused on keeping Mudkip.

    “W-what?” spluttered Mrs. Barker. “You can’t just refuse!”

    “Yes, I can,” said Sam. “I just did.”

    “That’s it!” yelled Mrs. Barker. “Detention after classes every day for a month!”

    The class was dumbstruck behind Mrs. Barker. They had never imagined anyone would so violently refuse a teacher anything-especially not on their first day. Nut Sam saw Matt wink at him, and he thought that maybe, just maybe, this whole thing would turn out all right.

    “All right,” said Sam. “Can I get back to training now?

    “Go ahead!” yelled Mrs. Barker. “But know that you’ll never become a good battler, with those two little excuses for Pokemon!”

    Then Mrs. Barker turned around and saw the entire class standing right behind her. “What are you doing?” she exclaimed. “Back to work, all of you!”

    The entire class went back to work on the sandbags, but Sam felt their eyes on him. What had he done? He had made an enemy of a teacher on his first day, and gotten himself five weeks’ worth of detention. But he felt at peace-he had his Mudkip, and nothing else mattered.

    The rest of the period passed uneventfully, and when the bell rung Sam grabbed his things and set off for his final class: Free Battling Time.

    When Sam first entered the classroom, he noticed one thing, or more specifically the lack of one thing: Matt. He frantically glanced around the room, and saw Sara in the second row. He let out a small breath; at least there was somebody he knew here.

    “Hello, and welcome to my class,” announced the teacher, an extraordinarily tall man with absolutely no hair. “I’m Mr. DeVood, and this is my Free Battling Time class. It’s exactly what it sounds like-we go out to the arena, and we battle. In addition to my class, I will also be running the weekly interschool tournament. So let’s get out there!” He walked towards and out of the door, crouching a little to avoid hitting his head on the door frame. The rest of the class quickly followed.

    Sam was nervous. He wouldn’t be able to get out of battling this time, and everyone would see how bad he was. And he hadn’t heard about the weekly tournaments-what were those?

    “Well everybody,” announced Mr. DeVood. “We’re here! Find a partner and start battling!”

    The class split off into little groups, finding partners and heading off to arenas to battle. Sam glanced around and saw nobody…besides the one he hoped he wouldn’t see.

    “Well, hello loser,” sneered Jack. “What are you doing here? I thought you had to be able to battle to come to a battling class.”

    “J-jack?” stuttered Sam. This was his worst nightmare-forced to battle Jack where the whole class could see. “What are you doing in the younger class?”

    Jack laughed. “This isn’t a younger class! If you hadn’t noticed, this is a mixed class of both ages!”

    Sam frantically looked around and saw Jack was right. What have I gotten myself into? Sam thought. But there was nothing for it. He would have to battle Jack and do his best.

    “All right,” Sam said nervously. “Let’s get started!”

    “It’s your funeral,” replied Jack. But they walked over to an empty arena and pulled out two Poke Balls, tossing them forward.

    A Sneasel popped out of Jack’s Poke Ball and hissed menacingly. It looked like it hadn’t had a great life-its face was lacerated with countless scratches and one of it claws was chipped.

    Mudkip came out of Sam’s Poke Ball and got to its feet, slightly disoriented. It stared down the weasel, its gaze a little to the right of its foe.

    Jack burst out laughing. “That thing? I heard Barker was going to take it away, it’s so crippled! What a pathetic excuse for a Pokemon!”

    Sam stood firm. “Mudkip isn’t a cripple. It’s as strong as any Mudkip you’ll find anywhere! Mudkip, use Water Gun!”

    “Don’t move, Sneasel!” called Jack. “It can’t possibly hit you!”

    Mudkip opened its mouth and a jet of water poured out…several feet to the right of the unmoving Sneasel. “Keep it up, Mudkip!” yelled Sam. “Aim your Water Gun several feet to Sneasel’s left!” Mudkip swung its mouth around to the left, striking the immobile weasel and knocking it to the ground.

    “That’s it!” screamed Jack. “You’ve really done it now! Sneasel, Night Slash over and over! Destroy that inferior thing!”

    Sneasel rushed towards the mud fish, slashing at it over and over with its claws. The mud fish tried to run away, but suddenly flopped to the ground, unconscious.

    “It’s over, Jack!” yelled Sam. “Return your Sneasel!”

    “Never!” yelled Jack. “Inferior beings don’t deserve to live!”

    Sneasel slashed at the unconscious Mudkip over and over, while Sam looked on helplessly. He needed to get the Sneasel away from Mudkip…but if he sent out his Beldum, Sneasel would just knock it out and continue its attacks. Sam stood in place, paralyzed by fear. What should he do? What could he do?

    Suddenly a jet of flame flew through the air and struck Sneasel dead-on, knocking the weasel out instantly.

    “I think that’s enough,” said Sara, standing behind her Cyndaquil with a satisfied look on her face. She spun to face Jack and started questioning him.

    “Why were you hurting that poor Mudkip?” she demanded, her bearing tall and regal. “Just because it has a slight disability doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve to live! This is cruelty!”

    “It doesn’t deserve to live!” yelled Jack. “I’m doing it a favor here!”

    Now Sara was yelling too. “A FAVOR? You call killing this thing a favor?”

    “Better than the life it’s got now!” screamed Jack. “Cripples shouldn’t live-“


    Sara and Jack headed inside, glaring at each other. Sam rushed over to Mudkip and picked it up. “Mudkip!” The little Pokemon let out a small squeak and lay still. Sam grabbed it and rushed off, through the building and to his dorm. He lay the mud fish down gently on a bed, with a wet cloth on its forehead and warm blankets covering his injuries. Sam passed the rest of the period sitting by the side of Mudkip’s bed and putting Potions on its wounds. What had he done? He wouldn’t regret Jack’s detentions, but he’d given Sara the same amount of detention he had! And he had given his Mudkip a huge injury. Sam would never forgive himself if he had caused Mudkip irreparable harm. At least Sara will be in detention with me, he thought wryly. When the bell finally rang, he got up from his vigil and slowly plodded off to the headmaster’s office.

    Sam almost gasped when he stepped into the door. The office was huge and ornate, with fancy ornamentations everywhere and portraits of past headmasters covering the walls. Sara and Menlo were there, but Jack was nowhere to be seen. Sara winked at Sam, as if to say no hard feelings, alright? Sam tried to smile encouragingly back, but it came out as some kind of nervous grimace. Focus, Sam reminded himself. He didn’t want to get more detention.

    “Ah, Sam, you’re here,” said the headmaster cheerfully. “Now, all you two are going to do is help us with our records. You see, the school keeps track of all Pokemon owned by each student and we still haven’t updated our records with the results of the entrance exams. So here are the records and here are the results of the entrance exams. All you have to do is copy the Pokemon each student caught during the entrance exams onto their record. Now GET TO WORK AND I’D BETTER NOT SEE YOU OUTSIDE UNTIL AN HOUR’S GONE BY!” Menlo stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

    Sam looked at Sara. “…Wow,” he said. “That was…interesting. Where’s Jack, by the way?”

    “He got here before me,” replied Sara. “Menlo took him somewhere. Now let’s get to work!”

    “All right,” said Sam. But that was easier said than done. An hour later they had copied only ten students’ results, due to the school’s terrible organization. Nothing was where it was supposed to be, and Sara found Sam’s info card in the bottom of the garbage can.

    Still, at the end of the hour they left the office and headed back to their dorms. Sam tumbled into his bed and fell asleep immediately.
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2012
  15. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    *returns* I envision that detention room will be featuring a fair bit in future chapters. =p

    The school certainly sounds like a pretty nice place...in terms of faculties, that is. The teachers on the other hand song like they have a very short fuse. However I feel this is (or may be if it is not explained later on at any rate) a weakness as after each teacher reacted with a tantrum it felt a bit unrealistic - such a famous school would have likely become known for having terribad teachers so it strikes me as odd. Furthermore, one insisting that a Pokemon was worthless to use sounded rather contrary to what I would expert from an expert Pokemon teacher. Maybe you plan to explain it later, but it did sound rather surprising, especially given her outburst in response (I had been half-expecting her to use that as a 'test' on him as opposed to her giving her so much detention, tbh).

    I did like how Sam met his new friend and thought of her as pretty initially though. XD Possible romance going on there? ;p The new characters coming through are certainly interesting and rather useful for Sam as well, it seems. Mudkip's injury is also an interesting concept and I like how Sam figured out a way for him to hit with his Water Gun attack as well, so I'm looking forward to see how he develops along with Beldum.
    It works as it is, but available might work better there, IMO.
    Should be a full stop at the end there as nothing else followed, so it's the end of the sentence.
    Suit yourself, maybe?
    he instead of He as the part following the dialogue should be treated as one sentence with it (as it is talking about who said what and so forth).
    I suggest italicising thoughts so we can tell straight away it is a thought. There's some other instances as well - up to you but I feel it helps.
    But, I think. =p

    Interesting few chapters here, certainly - just consider explaining the teacher's reactions and so forth if you haven't already as it did strike me as rather odd.
  16. Rediamond

    Rediamond Middle of nowhere

    Well, the headmaster isn't the only bipolar teacher at the school.
    @bobandbill: I can very easily see the teachers being like that. This is a school for perfection. I have been on staff at a leadership camp, where the staff had to come off as perfect. If perfection is the goal, there will be cruel means involves in forcing people to reach it.
    On to the actual review... I can't think of anything. Jack is kind of degrading into a "cruel because I can be" character, and I can't really see a motivation. While you may provide one... just try not to dig yourself a hole you can't get out of.

    I have to go hiking now. I'll be back next chapter.
  17. smashlloyd20

    smashlloyd20 Well-Known Member

    Bob, you're back! Thanks for reviewing guys! I should get a PM list going...
    As for the teachers, pretty much what Rediamond said. They are obsessed with perfection, and if you need perfection and are presented with a student that wants to use a disabled Pokemon...that could be a bit of a problem. If Sam had decided to give up Mudkip the teacher would have been very nice and accepting of that. Sam's going to have some problems with his 'everything is worth something' mentality later on. Schools for perfection...really want perfection. Sam thinks that perfection isn't necessary. Problem.

    As for Jack's outburst...their is a very specific reason why he gets riled up at disabled and/or generally useless things. It will be explained in detail later.
  18. Bay


    Hey, there! Sorry for the lateness. Suddenly got held up with many things. D: I'll try my best to get through your chapters for plot advice quickly, though!

    Okay, read though all of the chapters and my quick review here will be mostly concern with plot. I didn't go too much in detail because I want to see the plot overall so far and to get a feel of the pace of it. I will give a more detailed plot review for Chapter 6 once you send it my way.

    Chapters 1 and 2 I thought started off nicely. Usually I don’t go much for school fics nor characters related to the gym leaders/champions, but Sam seems like an interesting character and it’s nice that he’s not as great as his father, which leaves room for character development potential. I think he got the Mudkip a little too easily, though. No hint of hesitation from the Pokemon before joining him? That’s pretty much my only main concern at the beginning.

    Chapters 3, 4, and 5 I like where you’re going with Mudkip’s disability being the main focus. Nice you first start off with the Pokemon not able to target the sandbag and then have his fin being the main reason for him for not able to hit targets well. I’m still left wondering what’s up with the headmaster from being nice in the beginning and then mean in the third chapter. I guess that will be revealed later on, though.

    So far the plot is going along smoothly, just maybe a couple minor things that need expansion. Nice mixture of conflict and slice of life school stuff going around. Looking forward to helping you out with Chapter 6!
  19. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    One nitpick! You use the [name] [said/asked/queried/thought/etc, etc] formula most of the time, it seems. But spots like here, and...

    here, you use the [said/asked/queried/thought/etc, etc] [name] formula. I'd reccomended consistency. I don't know if this is a grammatical requirement, but it sure improves the stories looks.


    Once again, consistency with dialogue is iffy. you use a lot of "said [name]" but some "[name] said"s are in there to.

    Very nice battle scene! Quick, snappy, and fun.

    I love Conrad. :3



    And that's all I'll do right now. I'll get more done later today, okey? Good start. Interesting characters, interesting premise and well-written minus the one sorta-kinda error I pointed out.

    - Ian
  20. Chimpchar

    Chimpchar PKMN CHAMPION!!!!

    This fic is good but one question:
    Do the other students(looks at jack) know he's steven's son or do they think it's just a random same last name no relation case?

    If they do know i think jack would go "wait, you're steven stones son? I think there was a mix-up at the hospital!" or something

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