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Scizor's Story (PG for violence)

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Scizor’s Story- Prologue

It all started innocently enough. I was your everyday Scyther, just minding his own business, trying get some food in the Safari Zone. You’d think they’d keep some “all-natural” food for us predators, but that guy they call Slowpoke decided it would be “fun” to watch us hunt for Pokechow. Anyways, while I was “hunting”, something was behind me in the bushes. It all happened so fast- someone yelled “Safari ball, go!”, and then there was this blinding red light (Did I mention that I HATE red?), and then there was nothing. Next thing I knew, I was on this thing they call a “road”, being introduced to some Pokemon by a human. It hit me right then and there- I had been captured!

Anyways, the human called himself “Nathan”, and had apparently decided to call me “Blade”. Original, no? He looked to be an average human boy, around fifteen years of age. He wore a green vest over a yellow shirt, with blue jeans. His hair appeared to be a pretty standard cut, and it was the pretty normal color of brown. Nothing remarkable about his face either- his eyes were a greenish-blue, a color I saw sometimes back home. However, the other Pokemon around me whose fate I was now sharing were varied in appearance. One, obviously this human’s favorite, was a Blastoise named “Kasek”. The team speedster was Selanes the Sneasel, apparently from a faraway land. There was a Dragonite there too, named “Tebro”. Where this guy gets his names, I will never know. There was one Pokemon who looked almost human- I think it was called a “Gardavar” or something like that- that just floated around. “Nathan” called this particular Pokemon “Gedi”. There was one last Pokemon, the smallest of the bunch, a Bellossom named Flora. At least THIS one had a normal name. After he we were done being introduced, he said something about a special “Christmas” tournament. I had only heard about this “Christmas” once before- when I had wandered too close to the human buildings during the cold season- and apparently it was a time of joy and happiness for humans. This did not seem like the kind of time for a tournament- or at least, the kind I had heard about, anyways. He said that it was taking place over in some human colony called “Saffron”. The other Pokemon seemed pretty hyped about this, but I was anything but. I had heard horrible things about these “tournaments”- competitions where Pokemon would battle it out to see who was the strongest. I was no fighter; there was no prey for me to hunt back home, and I got along with the other Pokemon just fine. He then brought out these little round balls, which started to emit RED lights, which enveloped the other Pokemon one by one, and then disappeared back into the orbs. By then I accepted my fate- I was going to have to learn to fight pretty quickly, or who knows what was going to happen to me.

this is my first fic, plztell me what you think

The True Champion

Behold his Power
well u need to read the rules first off. space it better everytime there is a new dialoge and make it longer it needs to be at least a page in mircosoft word

Mimori Kiryu

Well-Known Member
It's pretty good, your detail seems fine. You need to add more feeling into this piece and add somemore depth. Other than those things, you have good writing abilities, just explain some more. It is too short, as The True Champion pointed out.

Read the rules, okay? That'll help you and so will the author's lounge if you get stuck. ^_^


Guitar dude bill

It's here, it's near
The True Champion said:
well u need to read the rules first off. space it better everytime there is a new dialoge and make it longer it needs to be at least a page in mircosoft word
Excuse me mister. Your the one who should be reading the rules. If it's a prologue it doesn't have to be a page long. Anyway back on topic. This wasn't bad. It wasn't great though. Hasn't got a lot of description in though. Also get rid of the (Did I mention I HATE red?) I reviewed a fic that got many negitive reviews over some notes similar, partly though. Was a bit short. Even for a prologue. Not spaced in paragraphs very well. It's kinda original. Kinda similar to 'the pokemon rebellion' by typhlogirl. I'd say there are some good details though. A 'bit' cliffhanging. No grammar mistakes I can see. Overall I'd say it's lookin' good. Need's more description though. Just pack in a bit more description and it should be fine. Also space paragraphs more. Whenever your talking about something else change the paragraph.
I know I'm not an expert at criting but I'm trying to improve
EDIT: I know who you are mimori. Remember me?
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Thanks for the advice, I'll try to do better with chapter one. I decided to do the prologue in fpv for some excitement, but maybe standard pov might work better. And as for the red comment, I heard somewhere that Scythers hate red. Thnx again!


Alright, first chapter is here, hope you like it.

Chapter 1

Nathan was very excited. Not only had he just captured a Scyther, but he also was going to enter his first real tournament. He had been strengthening his team for a few years, traveling from region to region to capture just the right Pokemon. With his team complete, He was headed to Saffron City. He had a feeling about Blade, though- it acted a little shy when he first brought it out.

“Well, I guess all of my Pokemon were like that when I first got them, so I shouldn’t be worried.”

As he headed up the long, wooden path to Lavender Town, he decided to take a little break at the intersection of Routes 11 and 12.

“Time for a break, guys!”

All the Pokemon were grateful for the stop, and it gave Blade more time to become acquainted with his “partners”. The first one he approached was the one called Selanes.

“Where’d this guy capture you?”

The Sneasel took a moment to realize who was talking to her.

“Oh, you’re the new guy. Blade, right? I come from Icefall Cave, way out on the ocean.”

“You like this human?”

“Nathan? Yeah, he’s pretty nice once you get to know him. You’ll learn to like hanging with him.”

“This is quite a motley crew he has here. Could you tell me more about them?”

“Sure thing, Blade. That Blastoise over there is Kasek. Nathan got him for a birthday gift; he’s been raising that Blastoise since the moment Kasek was born. Kasek loves nothing more than a good fight. That Dragonite over there is Tebro. Nathan rescued him from some gambler’s den called the Rocket Game Corner. He’s pretty shy, though; it takes
forever before he’ll warm up to someone. That Gardevoir over there is Gedi. Comes from some place called Hoenn. She’s really nice, and extremely protective of Nathan. And last, and who I consider least, is that Bellossom over there, Flora. She comes from the Safari Zone in Hoenn. The only thing she cares for more than herself is how she looks. You never want to insult her petals. And now that I’ve gone through that long-winded explanation, why don’t you tell me about yourself?”

“Fair is fair, Selanes. I don’t really know where I was born, but I was brought to the Safari Zone when I was young. I never really learned how to fight; since that human called Slowpoke decided to not have any “natural prey” around, I had to live on Pokechow they left in random places around the park. I never got into any arguments with the other Pokemon, either; they had raised me, and they were my family.”

“Well then, Blade, I guess I’m going to have to teach you how to fight. I can’t do it now though, this break is almost over.”

Right on cue, Nathan shouted, “Alright guys, that’s enough rest for now!”

All of the Pokemon ran right back to Nathan, and Blade decided he might as well go along with it…. for now.


alright, I decided to focus on Nathan for this chappie. Enjoy! (or not, for anyone who doesn't like my work)

Chapter 2

It was nighttime, and Nathan had finally reached the Lavender Town Pokemon Center. It wasn’t that late, so he decided to call his friends. The first on his list was Tina. When he dialed in the number, a young Asian girl popped up on the screen. Her face lit up when she saw who it was.

“Hey, Nathan, haven’t heard from you in a while. What have you been up to?”

“Nothing important. Say, are you entering the Saffron Christmas Tournament, Tina?”

“Well, of course I am! I live here! Why, you going to enter too?”

“Yep, I’m in Lavender Town right now, and I’ll probably be there by tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow night? You could be here in no time at all if you rode Tebro.”

Nathan’s face went completely red at this comment.

“Well… uh… I thought I could… you know… stumble into some grand adventure if I walked all the way there.” Nice save, idiot.

“O-kaaaay, well then, I’ll see you tomorrow, Nathan.”

“Yeah, bye.”

Nathan sighed after the call was over. Why did he always end up looking like a fool in front of Tina? Oh, well. It was time for the next call. This time, a young, black-haired boy, who had an Indian-style headband, appeared.

“Hey, SP, what’s up?”

“Oh, Nathan, haven’t seen you for some time. How’s the training going?”

“Actually, I’m done. Where are you right now?”

“Well, we’re around Vermillion right now, and we were going to go check out Saffron City. Why do you ask?”

“There’s a tournament in Saffron soon, and I was hoping I would see you there.”

“A tournament? That would be a great place for my bird Pokemon to show what they can do. I’m definitely going to enter now. Thanks for telling me. Soaring Pidgey, out.”

Nathan barely suppressed a laugh at the boy’s name.

“Yeah, see you there.”

*click* Okay, now it was time to call the third and last person on his list. After about five rings, a young, brown-haired girl, about SP’s age, answered.

“Hello? Oh! Nathan! I wasn’t expecting you. Could you make it quick? Dinner’s almost ready.”

“Sure, Nicole, listen, you know that big tournament in Saffron? I was wondering if-“

“I already entered, Nathan. If you’re asking, that means you’re going to be there too, right? Oh, drat dinner’s ready. See you there!”

Nathan just stood there after the call was over. That was probably the shortest conversation he’d had with her to date; normally she would talk your ear off. Now that that was all over, he could get some dinner. He could smell hamburgers coming from the Center’s kitchen, and he couldn’t wait any longer.
Blingin G said:
Kinda similar to 'the pokemon rebellion' by typhlogirl. I'd say there are some good details though.
Only thing similar is the Safari Zone, as far as I can tell. This fic is pretty good, just make the chapters longer.


sorry to have taken so long, I've been busy with my so-called "social life". Here's chapter three!

Chapter 3

When Nathan had woken up that morning, he decided to take Tina’s advice and just fly over on Tebro. Besides, “grand adventures” only existed in books, games, and TV shows. After Nathan had registered for the competition in the Pokemon Center, he decided to look around for his friends. Tina would probably be around here somewhere, and SP wasn’t the type to just “walk”; he would probably fly in on his biggest bird, Fearow. Nicole wouldn’t be around for sure; she may be a trainer, but she still has to go to school. As he was busy looking for his friends, he wasn’t looking in front of him. He would soon wish he had. He accidentally bumped into “someone”.

“Hey, watch it! Do you know who I am?”

Nathan looked at the figure before him. He could tell it was a boy his age, and a trainer too; he had various Pokeballs on his belt. He had brown hair that spiked out in the front, and wore a black, long-sleeved shirt and some black jeans.

“Sorry, but can’t say I’ve seen you before. You are…?”

“I am the great and powerful Lance, soon-to-be the best trainer in all of Kanto!”

“You mean Lance the Dragon Master?!? Wait a second a second…. Isn’t he older than that?”

“I’m not THAT Lance, idiot. I’m a different Lance…. a far stronger one. And don’t you forget it, weakling!”

And with that, “Lance” just stormed off, like he had actually been offended to be compared with the best trainer in Kanto.

“That guy needs to let go of all of that bottled-up aggression, doesn’t he Nathan?”

“Yeah, he sure – Hey! SP, how long have you been there?!?

The little Indian boy grinned.

“Since ‘I am the great and powerful Lance’. Why do you ask?”

Nathan sighed. SP had that annoying habit of popping up when you were most likely to be startled.

“Look, SP, you haven’t seen Tina around here, have you?”

“Nice to see you, too. She’s over there; she watched the entire thing. I think she’s still giggling from when I startled you.”

Nathan looked over towards where SP had pointed, and, sure enough, there was Tina, trying as hard as she could to not laugh. Once she realized that he was coming over, she managed to put on a somewhat straight face.

“Hey Nathan, I see you decided to Fly over instead of walking. The nerve of that guy, walking off without apologizing. I hope he gets knocked out in the first round. You’re not hurt are you?”

“No, I’m fine. Hey, I see you’re wearing your ‘lucky charms’.”

Tina raised her two hands to show a couple of bracelets with fangs on them.

“Yeah, I never battle without them. They’re all snake fangs.”

“Like you haven’t told us before, Tina,” SP put in.

“SP! Don’t be so rude! We have got to work on your manners.”

“Hmph. Just telling the truth.”

“He’s right, Nathan. I’m always showing off my bracelets. Hey, have you signed up yet?”

“Of course! That’s why I was looking around for you. I know I’m probably asking a dead-end question here, but you haven’t seen Nicole around here, have you?”

“No, I don’t think she’ll show up ‘till the tournament starts. You know how her parents are.”

“Yeah, that’s true. They are waaaaay over protective.”

SP’s stomach growled. “Man, I’m hungry. Let’s hit the cafeteria for some lunch.”

Tina nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, that would be a good idea. I skipped breakfast this morning, and I’m famished.”

Nathan wasn’t really hungry, but he didn’t have much of a choice; it was not a good idea to keep SP hungry.

“Oh, alright. There’s not much to do until the tournament. You guys want to practice after lunch?”

Both of his friends nodded.

“That would be great! My birds need to get some practice in before the tourney starts.”

“Yeah, my Pokemon haven’t been getting out much lately, either.”

“Then it’s settled. Lunch, then practice, and then… well, I’ll think of something.”

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
I'm amazed this fic lived so long. It's seriously too short, tacky and I'm betting was written in the reply box. Which is another rule breaking thing. Now, since your third 'chapter' is the newest, I will read that, and not force my eyes to bear the brunt of having to go through several 'chapters'.

Overall short, tacky/scripty. I really couldn't get into this 'chapter' as you really didn't try to develop the characters emotionally, and it's just coming off as one of those sub par OT/Trainer fics that have little plot or anything to them outside of catching pokemon/becoming the master/whatever.

I also suggest you read the Rules and Advice stickies, before writing the next 'chapter'.


Written in the reply box! I'm offended. I'll have you know I wrote this on Word. I will continue writing this, unless it gets removed for being TOO bad. And it SHOULD get more interesting once I get to the battles.... but not right now though. The next "chapter" should be up tomorrow.
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