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Searching for the True Meaning of Life

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by may&mistylover, Nov 19, 2007.

  1. may&mistylover

    may&mistylover Francesca S.

    Hi, this is my first time writing something that is not a shipping fic, but involves pokemon. In this Prologue, there is no mention of pokemon, but they will appear in the next chapter. Also, the prologue is a lot shorter then what I usually write... So, please criticize me and comment it. I guess it's rated G-PG13. Im not that good with rating so if you think it's wrong feel free to tell me, I will fix it. So, I hope you enjoy.


    Sometimes, it takes an eternity to understand the true meaning of life. No one has ever understood the reason why, although many have tried. Sometimes, there is always that person who can’t live their life happily. Their childhoods were spent in misery, being subjects to domestic violence and abuse. Some children hid their secret lives well, under fake smiles and laughs. No one knows of the bruises they hide under their clothes, or the secrets in their hearts; they just try to act like a normal person, but inside, they aren’t.

    A young girl is one of these people. At the age of eight, she decided to leave her parents. She put what few belongings she had in a grocery bag, and simply walked out. She was pretty sure her parents hadn’t realized she was even gone. She broke into a run as soon as she hit the corner of the street, and she just kept on running. After a few hours of consecutive running, her run turned into a quick walk, which turned into a slow walk. She was starting to lose energy, not a good sign. She found herself in the middle of a thick forest, probably very far from the dump she called home.

    Her parents were addicts and drunks. They snorted whatever they could find, and sometimes asked the girl to join them. Thankfully, she always refused, by walking out the door and returning home hours later, when she was sure her parents were knocked out. At night when they were really high, their sources of entertainment were the cries from their daughter when they beat her with anything they could find. She attended a school at a convent for the poor, which she dropped out of since her parents use all their money to buy drugs. She felt relieved to be away from them. All her life, she told herself she was strong in spirit and in heart. As she kept walking, she told herself, “Don’t worry. Happiness is coming closer with every step. Trust me, it’ll be worth it.”

    Finally, she felt as if the energy in her body had been drained. Her muscles no longer moved, and even though her brain kept saying to keep walking, the rest of her body disagreed. Her legs broke down under her, and she slumped to the ground. Rain began pelting against her skin, and she knew a storm was coming. Supporting herself on a branch, she stood up and kept on moving. The rain came harder and harder with each step she took. It flooded the ground before her, making her slip. She eventually did fall, and unable to stand up, gave up hope. She wasn’t upset that she was dying, at least she would have found true happiness. She realized that life was a twisted thing. True happiness was impossible to find. She closed her eyes, and saw the light.
  2. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    The only fault I can find is that it's short. Other than that, it's very well written, and serves as an excellent intro into the story. I like how you were able to leap right into scenes of intensity.

    Well done!
  3. DarkPersian479

    DarkPersian479 Well-Known Member

    One tiny grammar note, but otherwise you did an excellent job grammar-wise:
    Now, I realize that her parents are probably STILL blowing their cash on dope, but since the rest of the narrative is in past tense, best to keep everything consistent.

    About the only other improvements I'd suggest would be to add some descriptions. What does the girl look like? Did she run away from a big city, small town, or rural community?

    Because other than that, you've got a pretty good start. Though I usually don't prefer "depressing" fics, you've given your character a valid reason for her actions, and showed both her physical and mental breakdown as she fled her home. And you detailed her collapse very well, as well as her feelings of increasing despair.

    Not to mention a title that draws you in- and this coming from a reader who usually doesn't pay titles too much attention.

    Just watch out that you don't make her into too much of an Angst-Sue, and this could end up being something very interesting.

    P.S.: Since there are references to drug use and child abuse (hey, that rhymes!), I'd stick to a PG-13 rating for now.
  4. may&mistylover

    may&mistylover Francesca S.

    thanks for the comments... i really wasnt expecting any. as for the shortness, its because i wanted to leave it a cliffhanger and also because its just the prologue. in the prologue, i was trying to be straight forward, by telling you its an eight year old girl. i will put much better descriptions (if she is still alive :)). thats all.
  5. Blademaster_Jale

    Blademaster_Jale Feelin' Lucky?

    its good, i like the looks of the plot. though it's a bit short, thats something that is very easily remedied. you write pretty well, and ill be sure to keep reading!
  6. Wow... so many fics erupting from nowhere. :3


    Niiiiiice job.

    I can only assume the chapter will be more... chapter-like, however. I dunno if this was how you meant it, but it felt as if you were merely rattling off the events of her past.

    I like her attitude, however. "I can keep going. Happiness will come," is the kinda thing I like to hear. <3

  7. may&mistylover

    may&mistylover Francesca S.

    thanks. im working on the chapter one right now, and it is becoming more chapter-like as yu call it. thanks for the reviews guys. i rlly appreciate it.
  8. MG Stan

    MG Stan Call me "Burnsy"

    Well, I like it so far, too. The suggestion I would give is to watch using the same word too many times close together. For example,

    You used "run" or a conjugation of it four times in two sentences. I don't think it's as bad when it's a verb, but still, be careful, or else it will sound kind of redundant. Look for other words with the same or similar meaning and put them in instead. Sprint, dash, jog, and other words like that mean pretty much the same thing, but add variety to the story. Other than that, though, good job!
  9. I agree with MG Stan. I use variety and it gave me better grades in language arts at school =3 I can't wait for chapter one to be up, do your very best! ^____^


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