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Billeh Bob

Guest
This is my very first fic. Ever. I've never been one to share my writing with others, but I think it's time. All reviews are welcome, constructive critism especially. My goal is to grow as a writer. So here is it. Rated PG.

~Chapter 1~

Unable to sleep, I snuck out of my bed, taking care not to wake my parents. I scaled the tree that conveniently reached from my bedroom window to the ground, with plenty of limbs to hold on to. I crept quietly down the slope on the right side of the house, headed toward the sea that separated the Kanto and Johto regions.

Burying my feet in the sand, I felt calmer about the hours to come. The Indigo Sea had always had a comforting effect on me, ever since I was a young girl.

I stood up, squinting across the water, trying to catch a glimpse of my father’s workplace. He’s a computer technician for the Indigo Plateau. More specifically, he monitors the environment controls for each of the Elite Four. When a problem arises, and one always does, he repairs it. Basically he is the oil that keeps the Indigo Plateau running smoothly.

My mom, on the other hand, is a teacher at the Rustboro Pokémon School in the Hoenn territory. She had traveled all over the world, researched every species of pokémon, was eligible for professorship and was even offered a research grant by the CURP (Committee for the Understanding and Research of Pokémon). Instead, she decided to pass on the knowledge she had accumulated to the future generations.

So here we are, living in Johto, the middle between the two jobs. Although Dad’s is considerably closer, Mom doesn’t mind the commute. She constantly says her morning flights to Rustboro atop her trusty Swellow energize her for the day. For my dad, the distance is easily covered by his Blastoise, who ferries his across the water daily.

With both of my parents holding prominent positions in society, the pressure on my shoulders is enormous, especially right now. Why? Because I’m a 10-year-old graduate of trainer school and, in a few short hours, I’m about to start the rest of my life.

Realizing I had probably been away too long, I slowly got up, shaking the sand from my skin and clothes. I ambled back to the house, climbed the tree and reentered my room.

I plopped down on the bed, suddenly exhausted. Thoughts from last night’s discussion flooded my remaining consciousness.

We were all seated at the dinning room table, steaming plates of spaghetti in front of us. My mom looked at me through the tears that had gathered in her eyes.

“This is the last dinner I get to prepare for my daughter for a long time.”

I blushed dark crimson.

“Aww, mom…” I replied at a loss of words appropriate for the moment.

After that, we ate silently. You could have literally have heard a pin drop. Then my dad brought up ‘the topic’.

“So… honey, have you made a decision yet?”

“Andrew,” my mother protested, “leave her alone. She’s nervous enough as it is.”

“Susan, it’s a simple, yes-or-no question.”

“But dear…”

“Just let her answer the question.”

Both faces looked expectantly toward me, and I took a minute to formulate an answer.

“Uhh… no, I haven’t,” I muttered.

In all truthfulness, I was pretty confident I knew which pokémon I would choose, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, because both had made their opinions extremely clear.

Mom, who was gentle, sweet and naturally nurturing, favored the grass type. As a young girl growing up in Hoenn, she had started with Treecko. Her Sceptile is commonly seen tending to the garden we keep in the back of the house. She has harped on me to choose Chikorita, the grass starter in Johto.

My dad, who was on the stronger and more forceful side, opted to go with a water-type as his starter, which meant Squirtle, since he was born and raised in Kanto. His Blastoise is invaluable in his life, acting as both a friend and a mode of transportation. My dad is always trying to convince me that ‘a water friend lasts to the end’, or so he says.

I excused myself from dinner and ran up the stairs to my messy, unorganized bedroom, where I proceeded to lay on the bed, staring at the white ceiling. I wondered what their reaction to my decision would be.


A clanging of pots and pans coming from the kitchen woke me from my trance. I glanced at the clock, which read 5:57 am. Professor Elm had told me to be at his lab by eight, so I had a little more than two hours. Grabbing the clothes I has chosen for today, my green ‘Happy Trainer’ t-shirt and khaki jeans, I hurriedly pulled them on and darted down the stairs.

I gave my mom a quick kiss before sitting down at the table.

“Morning, hon. What would you like for breakfast on your big day? Let me guess. A bacon and cheese omelette.”

I grinned and nodded. She knew me well.

Three-quarters into a four egg omelette, Dad came downstairs. He gave me a one armed hug, then took the omelette my mom had made him and sat down to my right. Mom put her eggs on a plate and was seated on my left. At that moment, it hit me. I was really going to leave them; the parents who had been with me all my life. Staring at them intensely, I was determined make a memory of them, exactly as they were now.

Mom’s hazel eyes were covered by glasses and her red hair hung short in a boy cut. Her thin, 39-year-old figure was covered by a purple t-shirt, blue jeans and an apron she forgot to remove. Flowery slippers kept her feet from becoming cold. She stood at 5’5”, much taller than most other woman in New Bark Town.

My dad’s short, brown hair had been beaten into submission with massive amounts of hairspray. He, too, was bespectacled, but with baby blue eyes instead of hazel. His muscular, 41-year-old body was wearing the suit, tie and polished shoes he wore to work. At 5’8”, he was a short man, but neither I, nor my mother cared very much.

My dad cleared his plate and placed it in the dishwasher.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t take the day off and be here for you,” he said apologetically, “but, I do have a present for you that should make your journeys easier.”

From the closet, Dad unveiled a beautiful, metallic cobalt blue backpack. It had two main compartments and five smaller sections.

“It’s an idea I’ve been working with for over a year. This backpack expands to your needs. Everything you could ever need can fit in here. It’s extremely lightweight and weather resistant, perfect for a traveling trainer. ”

Jumping from the table, I gave my dad a hug. He lifted me up, over his head and spun me around like he used to when I was a toddler.

Once he had set me down, and I had stopped laughing, he gave me another hug, and whispered into my ear.

“Your mother and I are rooting for you. Be safe. Gook luck, my angel. I love you.”

With that, he let go, and walked out the door. I heard a splash as he released his Blastoise.

I ran after him, yelling my good-byes. He turned and waved. After he had faded into the mist that shrouded the sea, I went back inside.

“You’d best go get ready,” my mother advised.

Snatching the backpack from the floor, I sprinted up the stairs. I began the process of switching my stuff from my old sack into my new one. There was so much extra room in the new backpack that I was able to fit more clothes, personal effects and such.

By 7:30, my bag was completely packed. I had everything I could possibly want or need. The last thing I had to do was brush my teeth. As I walked into the bathroom, I caught my reflection in the mirror.

My long, blonde hair was in a tidy ponytail that kept the hair out of my face. My small frame was about 4’7” tall, and completely flat-chested. What surprised me the most were my eyes; blue-green and sparkling with an unknown maturity. I felt more confident that I really could go out into the world on my own.

I brushed my teeth, washed my face and packed those last remaining items. Taking one last look around the room, I grabbed my bag from the bed and left, shutting the door behind me.

Adjusting the pack on my back, I paraded down the stairs, exuding an air of self-confidence. Mom just stood there, smiling. She handed me a wallet that matched the color of the backpack.

“From your father and me, to get started,” she said, trying not to cry.

Inside was one hundred and fifty dollars.

“Now you have your phone? Your sunscreen? Socks and underwear?”

Mom went through the whole checklist, making sure I had everything. Finally, she gave me a hug and kiss.

“You’ll be fine. I love you. Good luck. Call us constantly.”

“I promise I will. I love you too. Thank you for all that you do for me.”

With another hug, I turned walking out of the house. Checking my watch, I had approximately fifteen minutes to get to the lab. With the beginning of my journey, I started the search. For what, I wasn’t sure, but I knew that with time, I’d find out.
 
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Quackerdrill

say yes to love
Promising. That's the one thing that I can say hands down about this. Your writing has the mark of someone who really wants to do a good job, and you have sucessfully written the beginning of this trainer's journey. But most of all this is a prologue... which isn't too great especially since this is a prologue for a OT. Never a good combo for starting a fic... but you pulled it off rather well.

Er, what I mean is, it's really too early to see what lies ahead here. We know little about the girl's personality but much about her family. And we know even less about the plot- yeahm it's a trainer's journey. But what's going to be special here? Sure it's not really required, but maybe at least a hint of something that will grab the reader's attention early on; a lot of people are going to read this and honestly go "Oh, just another OT." Which is bad, because I can see this is going to be special. ^_^

It was well written, that's for sure; I saw no spelling errors or serious context issues. There was a bit of a comma overuse but heck- I have a problem with that too, don't worry! And great use of the first person POV! I myself am dabbling in that field and you did extremely well- and this is your first fic??? I bow to your awesomeness. XD

So, the bottom line here is that I like your style. Interesting combination of traditional starting trainer stuff with realistic details here and there... kinda reminds me a bit of Pinecone Tortoise's COUNT- The Voyage, except as a more traditional OT. The only thing that needs work is the sense of "been there, done that" that's going on here... But I'm sure it's too early to understand what's going through your head. Bravo. This is one I'm going to watch.

*gives cookiemuffinbrownie*

EDIT: Must have gotten carried away; OT means "original trainer". This basically describes any fic in which a trainer created by the author is starting a traditional journey in the Pokemon world. Simple, huh? XD
 
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Heya.

Whoah. Y'know, the only thing I can think of that doesn't hang together properly is the main character's age. Ten just seems to me to be too young for this sort of maturity. Yah, there's a youthful eagerness and slight simplicity here, but the insight is, IMO, too deep for a little kid. Thirteen (at a push) and upwards, perhaps, but not ten. Perhaps the multitude of stories where people have written really shallow ten-year-old characters is influencing me here. But I still think your character seems too perceptive to be so young.

But the fact that your character is insightful and perceptive and apparently emotionally mature is, IMO, FANTASTIC. ^^ Seriously! Characterisation is one of the 'make or break' aspects of a story... and even so small a way into a plot that's been used a lot before, your characters are already defining this story as uniquely yours. ^^ Lovely! What's more, you've not limited this depth of character simply to your main character - all of the people in your story so far are memorable in their own way.

Jumping from the table, I gave my dad a hug. He lifted me up, over his head and spun me around like he used to when I was a toddler.

That is SUCH a 'dad' thing to do! Big highlight, IMO. Well done!

Actually, I was a bit worred when you said how important her parents were - it seemed to make her a bit too special - but you 'fixed' that by making it a deliberate part of the story rather than a few ideas added in to make your character awesome. Also, I really like the way you had the main character describe her parents. Sweet and appropriate. ^^

With the people underhand, you proceeded to add character to the very scenery. VERY nice. You've got an extremely 'foggy beach' atmosphere here - I can almost picture a little girl strolling along the gritting beach in the cool, dark morning, salty air clagging her hair and the house behind her being warm and comforting and ready to welcome her upon her return. It's a lovely sort of scene - peaceful and at the same time, sort of exciting. ^^ Beautiful.

Just a little thing - I think the eggy meal of which you speak is spelt 'omelette' (well, it is in my country, at least). Oh, and please don't just write '8' as a time. Or say '15' minutes. Write the whole word - numbers in the middle of a chunk of text are disruptive and distract the reader from the content.

Anyway, as Quackerdrill said, you've got the beginnings of something special here. Sure, the basic plot has been repeatedly used and abused before now to the point that it's pretty predictable and tarnished with the memories of less than skilled attempts - but you've taken this sorry 'standard start' and freshened it up with quite sophisticated characterisation and really gorgeous scenes and atmosphere - so much so that what you've produced is fun to read! PLEASE put this beginning to good use! Keep up the good work in the chapters to come! You've done brilliantly so far.

Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
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B

Billeh Bob

Guest
I'm so glad you like it. Thanks for your reviews and remarks. I appreciate it.

By the way, what does OT mean?

:)

~BiLLeH
 
Billeh Bob said:
I'm so glad you like it. Thanks for your reviews and remarks. I appreciate it.

By the way, what does OT mean?

:)

~BiLLeH

'OT' is an abbreviation of 'Original Trainer', meaning a non-canon trainer character. And 'non-canon' means 'not in the anime/manga/games'. Essentially 'unofficial'. Though there are probably better definitions around. ^^

Piney.
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meowmeow8

Guest
I appreciate your use of tension on which pokemon the main character is going to use as a starter to get the story started. As the previous viewers have stated, your use of an OT puts you off to a shaky start, but I really think you got off to a promising start and hope that others will take the time to read this marvelous story. I can't wait until you continue one with the preceding installation of your story and am looking forward to it. I personally feel that... you made the main character of the story who is supposedly a ten year old have such high maturity, but i suppose that i could chalk it up to her upbringing with such intelligent parents and a nice upbrining. The setting and beginning of the story intrigued me... as if i was in a dream, and gave me a ethereal feeling that i couldn't shake until the main character began her conversation with the parents. I really enjoyed this story and hope you continue with the story!! lots of love<3 ~mogie~<3
 
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