Sergeant Politoed Presents:
Chapter 1
Close Encounters of the Frog Kind
Planet Earth. 2013.
The human race found itself under attack by a mysterious alien swarm. UFOs darkened the sky, then set it ablaze with a fearsome and blinding light. These beings were . . . okay, seriously? I have to do this whole spiel again? At least give me some new material to narrate.
Oh, here we go. Shadowy figures flitted across the sky on small hovering saucers, raining down lasers upon the hapless city of Tokyo. The night was illuminated by the blazing infernos. Thousands of citizens fled from the attack, but none could escape. The invaders were simply too powerful.
Two young teenagers sprinted through the burning streets. One was a boy, wearing a red-and-white baseball hat over his raven black hair. Following close behind him was a girl with hair as red as the fire that enveloped the city. Anyone who read the prologue, which should be everyone, would recognize the pair as Ash and Misty Ketchum. (It still weirds me out that they’re siblings in this, but when I complain, the author docks my pay, so I’ll keep my mouth shut.)
Rubble crashed to the pavement as the towering buildings crumbled from the alien onslaught. The two children ducked and weaved through the wreckage, dodging falling debris as they went. Where they were heading, they did not know. They simply ran. Nowhere was safe from the invaders. The only hope was to stay on the move.
There was a loud yelp and Misty tumbled to the asphalt, her foot twisted beneath a chunk of masonry. Ash spun around, his face horrorstricken. Already, one of the invaders was upon his sister. The shadowy figure jumped down from his hovercraft and produced some kind of pistol-like weapon. It pressed the barrel of the gun to Misty’s skull and looked up at the other human.
Ash’s blood ran cold. The creature’s glowing eyes bored into him, as though it could read his very mind with a single look. Slowly, its lips turned up in a toothy grin. It opened its mouth and spoke two words.
“Wake up.”
The gun fired.
“WAKE UP!”
Ash awoke in a cold sweat. He sat straight up in bed, panting heavily. Soft sunlight filtered into the room through the curtains, bathing the poster-covered walls in its glow. Ash lay back on his pillow, closed his eyes, and took several deep breaths. It wasn’t the first time he’d dreamed about aliens. That was completely normal. But this dream had frightened him like nothing before. Frightened . . . and intrigued.
The door burst open and Misty stormed into the bedroom. “Didn’t you hear me yelling?” she said, throwing open the curtain and flooding the room with light. “I called you down to breakfast five minutes ago.”
“Sorry, Sis,” Ash said, rubbing his eyelids. “I was having a really weird dream.”
Misty rolled her eyes. “Oh geez, not another weirdo alien fantasy.” She raised an eyebrow. “Or did you finally start dreaming about girls like a normal thirteen year-old?”
Ash’s cheeks flushed red and he shook his head rapidly. “No, it was an alien dream again. There was a whole fleet terrorizing the city. And they chased us, and you fell, and they shot you.” He shuddered. “It was actually kind of scary.”
“It was just a dream,” Misty said. “You’ve got bigger problems to worry about.” She smirked. “Besides, no alien invader would be able to take me on. I’d beat them up just like the bullies back in elementary school.”
Ash grinned. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He grabbed his blanket and pulled it up over his eyes. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I really should get back to sleep.”
“Back to sleep?” Misty said. “It’s morning! We’ve got school! You need to get up!”
“But Sis!” Ash whined. “The aliens might try communicating with me in my dreams! That’s a global concern. It certainly takes priority over dumb old school.”
Misty sighed. “Fine, whatever. Have it your way.” She giggled to herself. She knew exactly what she needed to do. Ash wasn’t much of an early bird, but there was one foolproof method to get him out of bed. She cleared her throat; this would require some heavy acting.
“Oh my gosh!” she said, gasping loudly for added effect. “It’s a real-live alien!”
Ash was on his feet in an instant. “What? Where? I wanna see!” Finally, his gaze settled on Misty. His eyes widened.
Misty shook her head in mild disappointment. “You fall for that every time. You’re not that stupid, are you? When are you going to realize that there aren’t any aliens?”
There was no verbal response. Ash’s eyes were as wide as saucers and his jaw hung open. He raised one hand and pointed over Misty’s shoulder. “Turn around,” he said, his voice barely a whisper.
“Oh no, I’m not falling for that,” Misty said. “I’m not as gullible as you are.”
Behind her, something spoke.
“You . . . you can see me?”
Misty froze. Slowly, she turned around to face the owner of the new voice.
One of Ash’s many posters – specifically, a large photo of the Egyptian pyramids – was peeling away from the wall. A small green head and a pair of large round eyes peered out from behind. With a loud rip, the poster tore away from the wall and the newcomer fell to the floor. His appearance was bizarre, to say the least. He resembled a toddler-sized frog, with green skin and pink cheeks. All he wore was a cream-colored cap decorated with a small red star. The frog jumped to his feet in a panic, his eyes darting back and forth between the two human children.
“How did you see me?” he said, completely baffled. “My disguise was impenetrable! No mere mortal could have possibly seen through my cover!” He shook his head. “No matter, I’ve got this under control.” He thrust out his hand, revealing a red-and-white orb. “My Poke Ball will get me out of this sticky situation!”
Misty stood completely motionless, staring at the frog in utter disbelief. Her mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. Ash was in a similar state, but the sight of the strange ball spurred him into action. “It’s gonna get away!” he said. “Misty, do something!” He shoved Misty from behind and she stumbled forward. The frog barely had time to scream before the girl fell on top of him.
Several minutes of struggling later, the frog was bound in shoelaces and dangling from the ceiling fan, flailing about in a desperate attempt to free himself. Misty glared at him, her hands on her hips. “Alright, freak, I’ll keep this real simple. Who and what are you?”
“I’m Politoed,” the frog said. “I’m the, uh, house inspector. Yeah. Nice house.”
“And what exactly are you doing in our house?” Misty said.
Politoed raised an eyebrow. “Uh, inspecting it. Duh.”
Misty sat back on the bed, holding her head in her hands and mumbling to herself. Geesh, she acts like finding a giant amphibian behind a poster in a teenage boy’s room is an abnormal occurrence. Ash was handling the situation far more calmly. He walked in a circle around his prisoner while jotting down notes on a yellow legal pad.
“I just can’t believe this,” Misty said, rubbing her temples. “I refuse to believe it. There is not an alien in our house.”
“You’re absolutely correct,” Politoed said. “I’m just a normal Pokeponian frog animal who can talk because of magical wonder-dust.”
“Pokeponian?” Ash said, scribbling more on his notepad. “What is that?”
“Pokeponian!” Politoed said, as if the answer should be obvious. “Something that comes from the planet Pokepon, which we are all native to. Duh.”
Ash frowned. “But this planet isn’t called Pokepon. This is Earth.”
Politoed nodded vigorously. “Yes, that’s what I said.”
The one-sided conversation was brought to an abrupt end as Misty leapt to her feet. Ash glanced at her, concerned. “What’s wrong now, Sis?”
“We’re late for school!” Misty said, grabbing Ash by the shoulder and yanking him toward the door.
Ash raised an eyebrow. “You can’t be serious. There’s an alien tied up in my bedroom and you’re worried about being late to school.”
“I would really just like to forget everything that’s happened this morning,” Misty said. “Maybe there’s just a gas leak and this is a wild hallucination. Either way, we need to get out of here.”
Ash tried to protest, but a glare from Misty silenced him. “Alright, whatever you say.” He returned his attention to the captive frog as he left the room. “Um, I’ve got to leave for awhile. I’ll be back later this afternoon. Stay here, alright?”
Politoed shrugged. “You got it, buddy. I’ll just hang out here for the day.”
Ash nodded, satisfied. “Alright. See ya later.” He turned and shook his head in disbelief. “That may have been the most bizarrely casual conversation ever.” He took off down the stairs behind Misty, his head still swimming in absolute bewilderment. (Much like you poor readers, I imagine. Don’t worry, I’m as lost as you are.)
Alone again, Politoed took a moment to assess his surroundings. He’d already explored most of the house before his capture; recon was his job, after all. He needed to know exactly what the army would be up against when the time to strike arrived. Examining a standard Pokeponian – or Earthling, as they were apparently called – household was the first step toward planning the invasion.
The boy’s bedroom was certainly the most interesting part of the house. The posters covering the walls displayed famous structures like the pyramids, Stonehenge, and the Easter Island statue heads. All were architectural marvels theorized to have been constructed by aliens. Politoed snickered. Foolish humans had a tendency to link every unexplainable occurrence to aliens. Not that that they were necessarily incorrect.
The rest of the room was filled with books: stacked on shelves, piled on tables, scattered across the floor. As with the posters, all seemed to be concerning aliens and various supernatural conspiracies. Politoed had to admit, his curiosity was peaked. He would really have to ask the Pokeponian boy about his interests later.
But there would be time for that after the pitiful planet had been conquered. Right now, the Politoed had to make up for lost time. “Those crazy kids may think they’ve won, but it’ll take a lot more than mere strings to hold me down!” He flexed his arms and his muscles bulged, loosening the grip of the shoelaces enough for him to slip out. From deep within himself, he summoned the most intimidating, blood-chilling, spine-tingling cackle that he could muster. His moment of triumph was at hand.
Then, the shoelaces snagged around his neck and the villainous laugh became a strangled squawk. He feebly flapped his arms and legs for several seconds before the shoelace-turned-noose finally snapped and sent him crashing to the floor. I’m beginning to seriously question the competence of this alien invader. He’s been here for half a chapter and he’s already gotten beaten up by a 14 year-old girl and nearly committed unintentional suicide. That’s not exactly a stellar track record.
Politoed sprawled out on his hands and knees, breathing heavily. “Well, that was unfortunate. Yet hilarious.” He stood up and raised a fist in the air. “But I must stay focused. Those kids messed with the wrong Pokemon!” A wicked grin crossed his face. “And I know just how to get back at them.” He dusted himself off and strode out of the room on his stubby frog legs. There was an invasion to enact.
And it would begin in the kitchen.
Ash emerged from the staircase and looked back and forth, making sure that he hadn’t been followed. For a moment, he could have sworn he saw a shifting shadow at the base of the stairs, but after several moments with no further movement, he decided it was just his imagination. Satisfied that he was alone, he rounded the corner and sat down, his back to the wall.
Beneath him was the educational cesspool that was middle school. Above him were towering skyscrapers and the blue, cloudless sky. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath of fresh air. The school always started feeling stale in the afternoon. Ash couldn’t stand it. He had to get outside, even if it meant missing some class. His grades were poor anyway, so there was nothing hurt by him slipping away after lunch hour once or twice a week. This was the only way to keep his head clear.
The roof was his favorite place in the world. Granted, his world was not a large one; it consisted of little but his house and the school. He had no friends, nobody to talk to besides Misty and his mother. His social life was nonexistent. But he didn’t mind, at least not much. He had other interests to occupy his time. Primarily, aliens. From a young age, Ash had been obsessed with aliens, a passion that he’d picked up from his occult-expert father. He loved nothing more than investigating a good supernatural mystery. It was an exciting escape from dull reality. And boy, could it get dull.
But now his fantasies had become reality. He reached into his jeans pocket and removed the red-and-white orb. Politoed had dropped it during the scuffle with Misty and Ash had jumped at the chance to get his hands on some real alien technology. Thankfully, Politoed hadn’t noticed that he’d lost his precious object in the chaos.
Ash rolled the orb in his hands, squinting at it and searching for any kind of control panel. There was one large button right on the line between the colors, but surely that couldn’t be all. This was a complex alien device created by complex aliens. Ash hesitated. Politoed had blown his own cover and subsequently been pummeled by a human girl. Perhaps the alien race wasn’t quite so intelligent as one would expect. Finally, seeing no other option, Ash pressed the single button.
A bolt of lightning shot out of the ball and struck a hot air balloon, which had picked exactly the wrong moment to float over the school. Ash watched in horror as the balloon crashed to the street in a fiery explosion, setting off every car alarm on the block. A lone man staggered away from the wreckage of the balloon, screaming something about toilets. Darn, no fatalities. This story was just starting to get interesting.
Ash held the orb at arm’s length and eyed it critically. Preparing for the worst, he clenched his teeth, closed his eyes, and pressed the button again. Nothing. Just silence. Cautiously, he opened his eyes. And gasped in shock.
The roof of the school was six feet below him. He was floating. Ash flapped his arms frantically, which only served to spin him in slow circles in the air. He stuck his tongue out and concentrated on moving. Floating wasn’t so hard, really. It was just like swimming in the air. Unfortunately for Ash, he couldn’t swim and was in fact terrified of water, so his attempted breast stroke came across more like a drowning cat. After several minutes of struggling, he finally gave up and pressed the button again, which dropped him roughly to the roof. He sat up and grimaced, rubbing his tailbone. This little orb sure was causing him a lot of trouble. But at the same time, it was opening up a whole new world of possibilities. An exciting world. A not-dull world.
A wide smile split Ash’s lips. This was turning out to be a good day after all.
Misty was also having a good day. She’d aced her math test, demolished the other girls playing volleyball in gym class, and even got the chance to chat with the handsome and mysterious Drew. (Mysterious indeed; I flipped through the script and we’re not even hearing about him again this chapter.) She was in such a good mood that she’d managed to completely forget about the morning’s events.
Forget, that is, until she stepped into the house and found herself hanging upside down from the ceiling with a rope wrapped around her ankles. She shrieked and grabbed her skirt with both hands to prevent it from falling up. The stupid alien already had her trapped, he didn’t need to see her underwear too.
Evil laughter filled the entry hall. Politoed stepped out of the shadows in the shadow, clapping dramatically. “Well well, foolish Pokeponian, we meet again.”
“Of course we meet again!” Misty said. “This is my house! Now let me down, you little creep!”
Politoed waggled a finger. “Not this time. You think I forgot how you bested me before? I’m not giving you the chance to lay a finger on my adorable froggy body. So I got some help.”
A piercing screech echoed in the hall, followed immediately by a rhythmic thumping. Something was approaching. Something large.
“Wh-what is that?” Misty said. “Another alien freak?”
“Just a friend of mine I brought along for ‘negotiations’,” Politoed said. “I hid him in your refrigerator this morning.”
Misty raised an eyebrow, momentarily forgetting her fear. “The fridge? Wait, were you the one who drank the rest of the milk? I was going to yell at Ash for that!”
Politoed waved a hand dismissively. “I was thirsty. A good host would have offered me a beverage, so I took what was rightfully mine.”
“We didn’t even know you were here, how could we have gotten you a drink?” Misty said. “And even if we had known, we still wouldn’t have given you anything because you’re an alien invader who apparently doesn’t realize that I’m going to paddle his amphibian behind as soon as I’m down from here!”
“It’ll be pretty tough for you to do that,” Politoed said. “Considering that you’ll be neck-deep in stomach acid.” The thumping stopped suddenly and Politoed gestured dramatically to the end of the hall. Misty swung herself enough to turn and face the enemy.
A five-foot plant stood in the kitchen doorway. Most of its body was composed of a gaping mouth, covered partway by a leaf that rose and fell with the creature’s every breath. A whip-like vine dragged along the floor behind it.
“You don’t stand a chance against my Evil Digestive Victreebel!” Politoed proclaimed. “I call him Harold.”
A loud gurgling noise emanated from the Victreebel – I refuse to call it “Harold” – and it hopped toward Misty. She ripped at the rope desperately, still holding up her skirt with one hand, but it was no use. The acid-filled maw drew closer and closer. Politoed crossed his arms and watched with satisfaction.
Suddenly, the front door burst open and a bolt of lightning shot inside. It sheared through the rope, dropping Misty face-first to the floor, before arcing down and striking the Victreebel directly in the mouth. There was a loud crackling sound, a puff of smoke, and a final pitiful squeak hanging on the air. Then, Harold was gone, leaving nothing behind but a black scorch mark on the hardwood floor.
Ash was at Misty’s side in an instant, helping her back to her feet. “Sis! Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Misty said. “What did you just do?”
Ash held up the red-and-white orb. “I’ve been messing around with this thing after I picked it up this morning. It’s a pretty nifty little tool.”
“Hey! That’s my Poke Ball!” Politoed launched himself at Ash, knocking the boy over and sending the orb rolling across the floor. Misty reached for it, but Politoed was already back on his feet. He snatched up the Poke Ball and pointed it at Misty, his finger on the button. “Don’t move, Pokeponian brat, or you’ll find out exactly how painful Harold’s death was.” He sniffed loudly and wiped away a tear. “Poor, sweet Harold.”
“Okay, we get it,” Ash said, raising his hands in the air. “We’re done fighting.”
“Maybe you are,” Misty muttered. “I still think I could punt this frog for a field goal before he has the chance to zap me.”
Politoed smirked and waved his hand in a “bring-it-on” gesture. “I’d like to see you try. No Pokeponian child can hope to stop the invincible Sergeant Politoed!”
Misty laughed out loud. “Sergeant? You have got to be kidding me. How did a moron like you ever reach the rank of sergeant?”
Politoed stuck his lip out indignantly. “I’ll have you know that I’m a military genius. I once turned back an entire enemy army unassisted.”
“Like I’d believe that,” Misty said. “I trust you about as far as I can throw you.” Her lips creased in a mischievous smile. “Say, that sounds fun.”
Ash grabbed Misty by the arm. “Don’t fight him, Sis. We’re dealing with an advanced alien species with technology centuries ahead of our own. We don’t stand a chance.”
“You sound awful excited about it,” Misty said. “Planetary invasion isn’t exactly a laughing matter.”
Ash grinned sheepishly. “I can’t help it. Yeah, it’s kind of scary, but it’s also exactly the kind of thing I’ve been reading about since I was in kindergarten. Just knowing that there really are aliens and that they are here on Earth validates my entire life’s research.”
Politoed cocked his head inquisitively. “Yes, boy, I meant to ask you about that before. You sure seem awful interested in aliens and whatnot. That’s a bit of an odd passion for someone so young.”
Ash shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so. It’s because of my dad.”
“You have a father?” Politoed said, surprised. “I never saw him when I was studying the house. Where is he?”
Ash shrugged again. “I don’t know exactly where he is. He travels the world and studies paranormal activity.”
“So he’s not home often?” Politoed said. Misty eyed him curiously. This alien was bizarrely concerned with his prisoners’ personal lives.
“No, he hasn’t been home in years,” Ash said. “My dad has an adventurer’s heart. He says it’s tough for him to stay in one place for a very long.” He let out a long sigh. “Sure, I miss him a lot, but I understand why he stays away. He’s living his dream. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that.”
Politoed glanced at Misty. She stared at the floor, twiddling her fingers and doing her best to look angry. But she couldn’t hide anything from Politoed. He could smell daddy issues from a mile away. He knew them all too well. He looked back to Ash. “What’s your name, kid?”
“I’m Ash,” Ash said. “You said you’re Politoed, right?”
“Yes, though I prefer to be referred to as Sergeant,” Politoed said. “But that’s beside the point. I like you, Ash. You seem like a good kid.”
Ash scratched his head in confusion. “Uh, thanks. You seem like a pretty nice guy too, when you’re not trying to vaporize my sister, at least.”
“Good to hear,” Politoed said. “Tell you what. I’m gonna let you live. You can be my butler after I’ve conquered your pitiful planet.” He cast a sideways glance at Misty. “No promises about her, though.”
Misty narrowed her eyes. “Bring it, Toad.”
“That’s Politoed,” Politoed said. “Show some respect. You’re blowing any chance you might have had at being my slave . . . I mean indentured servant.”
“Wait, back up,” Ash said. “You actually like me? Nobody likes me except Mom and Sis, and they’re required to by law.”
Politoed shrugged. “Sure, I like you. You remind me of a taller, less-handsome me.”
“Does this mean you want to be friends?” Ash said.
“Yeah, sure, why not,” Politoed said dismissively. “I don’t care what you call me as long as you can brew a mean cup of coffee and serve me chocolate chip cookies on a silver platter while I watch my Saturday morning cartoons.”
Misty rolled her eyes. “Of all the evil alien overlords that could have landed here, we managed to get the lazy one. Lucky us.”
“Alright, that’s enough insults!” Politoed said, holding out the Poke Ball toward Misty. “Maybe I won’t kill you, but I can still inflict terrible pain! Maybe then you’ll understand how hurtful words can be!”
“So you’re lazy and sensitive,” Misty said, snickering. “Do your worst, Toad.” Ash gulped and covered his eyes. This wasn’t going to end well.
Politoed smiled. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He put his finger to the button.
Once again, the front door swung open. It smashed Politoed against the wall and the Poke Ball flew out of his grasp and landed at Ash’s feet. A tall woman stood in the doorway, staring down at the frog in bewilderment. She wore a black leather jacket with matching gloves and her auburn hair was held back in a ponytail. Ash and Misty both smiled widely and ran to embrace her.
“Mom!” Misty yelled. “Thank goodness!”
Delia Ketchum grinned and patted her daughter on the shoulder. “Good to see you too, Misty,” she said. She turned her attention back to the frog alien, who was presently smashed between the door and the wall. “I thought I told you kids not to bring home any more pets.”
Delia closed the door and Politoed fell to the floor, his limbs twitching spasmodically. “Foolish Pokeponian female! I am no pet! I am your powerful alien slave master!” He snapped his fingers weakly. “Get me some Advil, I’ve got a killer headache.”
For a long moment, Delia simply stared at Politoed. Then, she scooped him up in her arms and squeezed him against her chest. “Oh my gosh, he is just the most adorable thing ever! We are so keeping him!”
Misty’s jaw dropped. “Mom! He’s an alien! He tried to feed me to a plant!”
“But he’s so adorable!” Delia said, swinging Politoed back and forth, oblivious to the fact that he was being smothered against her chest. “This cute little guy would be perfect for a cartoon! I can make an entire series about him!” (A note from the narrator: I was getting kind of confused by this, so I looked ahead in the script. Apparently, the lovely Mrs. Ketchum is a television producer working for an animation company. She’s always on the lookout for the next hit cartoon. She also rides a Harley and once punched out Hulk Hogan at a charity wrestling tournament. Is it too soon to say I’m in love?)
“I think we should let him stay too!” Ash said. “He actually understands me. I think we can be friends.”
Misty glanced back and forth between her mom and brother, her mouth still hanging open. “Am I the only sane person in this house? This is an alien invader who tried to kill me. This topic shouldn’t even be open for discussion! We need to take him to the FBI, or the Men in Black, or whoever you’re supposed to call in this kind of situation!”
Politoed attempted to speak, but his words were muffled by the sizeable cleavage cushion his face was pressed into. Delia pulled him away and held him at arm’s length. “You say something, hun?”
Politoed gasped for air. “Sweet oxygen!” He took several more deep breaths before speaking. “Now where was I? Oh yes. Shouldn’t I get a say in whether you pathetic Pokeponians keep me as a pet?”
“Aw, you even have your own little language,” Delia said, giggling like a little girl. “That settles it, you’re staying.”
“I’ve had enough!” Politoed said. He jumped out of Delia’s arms and glared up at her. “I’m flattered that you find me adorable, but I’m no pet. I’m a sergeant, a conqueror! Now I’m going to leave this house, I’m going to take over this puny planet, and I’m going to come back and rub it in your faces! And that’s final!”
A shrill ringing split the air and the Poke Ball began to vibrate in Ash’s hands. A disembodied robotic voice spoke from the ball. “Message for Sergeant Politoed. Please respond.”
Politoed turned to Ash in irritation. “Ugh, they always call at the most inconvenient times.” He snatched the Poke Ball from Ash and pressed the button. “Politoed here. What’s the message?” (Okay, seriously, how does the Poke Ball work? There’s only one button on it, yet it does five hundred different things. It’s like the opposite of my TV remote.)
There was a buzz of static, then a deep voice spoke from the ball. “This is Grand Marshal Seismitoad. Today’s reports seem to indicate that the Poke Ball has fallen into enemy hands. The safety of our mission has been deemed uncertain. As such, the invasion has been abandoned and the army is retreating back to Kemon. We assume that you and your platoon are being held prisoner. If you aren’t and you manage to get this message, then know that you are on our own. Good luck surviving.”
The room fell silent. Politoed stared at the Poke Ball and blinked several times. Abandoned. He’d been abandoned on an enemy planet by his own army. He’d heard several of his superior officers talking about how they wished they could do just that – they were clearly jealous of his brains and good looks – but he’d never expected it to actually happen. How could he possibly get by on his own?
There was only one way.
Politoed looked to each of the Ketchums in turn: concerned Ash, furious Misty, and cheery Delia. These three were his only chance.
“Hello, family!” he said, putting on his most winning smile. “Where do I sleep?”
Next time on Sgt. Froakie:
Hey everybody! It’s me, Politoed! So, I’m stuck on this crappy planet because my commanding officers are cowards who are too afraid of a bunch of silly Pokeponians to come and save their finest soldier. So yeah, that kind of sucks. But things look up for me in the next chapter when I finally find my privates . . . I mean Private. And Ash has a blue-haired stalker, so good for him. I’d love to keep talking, but Misty is attempting to strangle me right now and it’s kind of difficult to keep typing. Froggy out! Peace!
