Shadow of Doom

[blaziken13fire]

Well, I thought that I should make a fan-fic just for fun.
This is rated PG-PG13 for violence.


CHAPTER 1

The little yellow mouse pokemon was panting heavily. It was the last of its clan. The horrific memories of his friends and family being killed were still fresh in his mind. Suddenly, a growl sounded right above him, a green pokemon was right above him, sitting on a tree branch. It grinned evilly; blood was dripping off of its blades. The pikachu turned and jumped into the bushes, the sound off scyther’s laughing echoed through the trees.

*ring ring* “David! Get the phone” the call echoed through the hallway. “Ok” replied David. The fourteen year old boy walked over to the phone with only a pair of jeans, socks, and shoes on. “hello.” Said David as he answered the telephone. “Yo, man!” Said his best friend Jacob, “Get your lazy form over to professor oak’s lab right now!” “How come?” asked David, running his hand through his brown hair. “Dude! The professor is giving out free pokemon to the first five hundred gests!” Jacob yelled into the phone. “ok.ok. I’ll be right over.” David said. “There’s only thirty left” Jacob said. “ what!!” David screamed, “I’ll be there in a minuet.” David hung up the phone and grabbed his shirt. ‘I wonder what pokemon oak will have left’ David wondered as he ran out the door. He stopped all most immediately when the bright pallet town sun light blinded him. Five minutes later, he stumbled up to the professors’ house. As he ran up to the door, a man stopped him and said, “Congratulations! You are the five hundredth visitor today! You win this pokemon.” Said the man handing David a pokeball. “great.” Said David. “So do have to do anything else?” asked David. “Just smile.” Said the man, holding up a camera. With a flash the camera went off, blinding David for a few seconds. The camera started beeping and after a few seconds, a blue pokedex appeared. Just follow the on screen instructions to register and your all set.” “Thanks.” said David. A little bit later, back at David’s house, David opened the pokeball, and a flash came out of the pokeball and started to solidify. “Torchic!” chirped the little bird pokemon. “Cool! A Torchic” said David. “Torchic!” said the little pokemon, as it started to let a flame out of its mouth. “Who!” Said David, quickly returning Torchic to its pokeball. He then turned on his pokedex and began his registration. After 20 minuets, David put the pokedex on stand-by mode and went to sleep.

well, that's it. If the first part didn't make sence, just wait for the next capter.

 

[IrkenAdolescent]

It's a tad short, and you should really add some paragraphs so other readers know what is going on. You should also add some descriptions for the characters.

I give it a 2/5.

 

[Overwhelming_Latias]

Alrighty then. Judging by your fic, I would hazard a guess that you're new to writing literature. So here's a few pieces of advice:

-Check out the 'Advice For Aspiring Authors' thread, which should give you the lowdown on what you should and shouldn't do in your fic.
-Each chapter of your fic should be at least one page long in MSWord. Yours is a tad short.
-Your fic needs more description. We know what Professor Oak looks like, but you ought to describe him anyway. It fleshes your work out and makes the characters/environment/whatever much easier to imagine.
-Your fic is a tad cliche. As soon as you mentioned the five hundred visitors thing, I knew that David would be the very last one. Also Torchic as his starter is very typical of trainer fics, where people opt for the Kanto/Johto/Hoenn starters quite often.
-Structuring. You need to use paragraphs to ensure that your work is not one big block of text. Also, speech should be separated by a line, which breaks up the conversations making them easier to take in.
-'20' should be written as 'twenty'. You obviously know this, as you wrote 'five hundred' rather than '500'.
-'Professor Oak' is a person's name, and thus requires a capital letter. The same goes with the Pokemon Scyther and Pikachu. And also Pallet Town. Remember that next time.
-There are a few spelling mistakes. I think "Who!" was meant to be "Whoa!"? There is also "minuet", which is clearly supposed to be "minute". Oh and "sence" should be "sense".

Apart from those, you seem to have the bare basics down. If you revise this, using paragraphing, description etc etc, I will review it again.

Good luck

-OL

 

[blaziken13fire]

Ok. thanks for the revews. heres the next chapter.(With paragraphs)

“Pika” mumbled the weary Pikachu, as it looked down on vermilion city. It had successfully eluded the Scyther during the night. “Pika Pikachu” Pikachu groaned. It wandered around for a couple minuets, and then deciding that it was safe, went to sleep.


“Ok, let’s finish this pokedex entry. Man, I really have to stop talking to myself.” David said groggily as he sat up. About five minuets later, he closed the pokedex and picked up Torchics pokeball. When he pushed the button to let Torchic out; nothing happened. ‘Oh no’ thought David. After ten seconds of frantic searching, Torchic jumped out from under David’s bed and chirped,
“Torchic!”
“Ok, how did you get out of your pokeball?” asked David, standing up to his full height of 5’11’’.
“Tor Torchic chic chic Torchic!” Torchic chirped happily.
“Torchic, return.” Said David a hint of annoyance in his voice. The red beam of light came out of the ball and hit Torchic, turning it into a beam of red energy that was sucked into the ball. ‘I’m glad that’s over’ though David. Suddenly a flash of light appeared and Torchic was standing in the center of the room.
“Torchic!” it chirped.
“Oh great.” David said. ”Well, I guess that you can stay out of your pokeball for now, but were going to the pokemart in vermilion city, so behave.”
“Torchic!”

David and Torchic walked out of the house, saying that they would call there mom. Later, after teaching Torchic that it shouldn’t use ember on people, David walked in to vermilion carrying Torchic. “You know that if you didn’t exhaust your self running from that police officer you used ember on, you could walk.”
“Tor…” Torchic moaned.
“Hey look, I can see the shop from here.” Said David, as they walked along the path.

The Pikachu was sleeping horridly; it was tossing and turning in its sleep. The Scyther grinned wickedly as it observed this; it advanced toward the sleeping pokemon, cleaning its blades on the grass.
“PPPIIIKKKKAAAA!!!!” screamed the Pikachu as the Scyther raised its blade. With a swish Scythers blade came down, clipping pikachus right ear and embedding its-self deep in the ground.
“Scytherrrrr.” Hissed the Scyther, tugging at his blade, trying to get it out of the ground.
“Pika...” cried the Pikachu as it charged up a thunder bolt attack. “CCCCHHHHUUUU!!!!!” Pikachu screamed as it released the thunder bolt.
“SSCCYYTTHHEERR!!!!” screamed the green pokemon, which was now smoldering. The Pikachu turned to run but the Scyther, after getting blasted out of the ground, charged at the Pikachu, slashing it on the leg. The Pikachu that the Scyther slashed faded the effects of double team.

“Hey Torchic. Come look what I found.” David said.
“Tor Tor!” Torchic chirped happily as it hopped over to were David stood. David picked up a device that looked like a small collar. It was black and has a slight shine about it,
“It says here,” said David, reading from the coilers tag, “that this device can make pokemon speak in the human language. Do you want to get it Torchic?” asked David, glancing down at Torchic.
“Torchic Torchic Torchic!” Torchic chirped.
“Ok then, I’ll get three of them.” Said David, as he walked over to another shelf and picked up eleven pokeballs and five potions. We walked up to the sales clerk and said, “I would like to check out now.” The clerk just stood there with his back facing David. “Ummm, Sir?” the clerk just stood there. “HEY OLD GUY!!!!” David shouted at the top of his lungs; the clerk just stood there. Torchic hopped up at that time and picked up a sine in its beak which said, ‘if the sales clerk goes in to a trance, all items are free’
“Torchic!”
“Ok! Free stuff!” David said as he walked out the door, after he took five more poke collars.

“Ok Torchic sat some thing to test this poke collar.” David said.
“There’s chic Tor behind Tor!” Torchic chirped franticly.
“Ok, I guess I should set this to fire pokemon.” Said David turning the dial on the collar. “Ok try it again.” said David.
“THERE’S A SCYTHER BEHIND YOU!!!” chirped Torchic, in a sort of high voice.
“What!” said David, turning just in time to see a Scyther, about thirty feet, gut a Pikachu right through its body, making it stay on its blade with its blood running off of the Scythers blade. The Scyther knocked the Pikachu off of its blade, the dead body rolling off the path, and looked striate at David.

Well, I hope that this is better.

 

[Overwhelming_Latias]

Alright. This chapter is quite an improvement on the previous one. You're using paragraphs; speech is spaced out somewhat; your chapter is longer than a page now... all good.

But there's still room for improvement:

-There are still a few typos etc, I've pinpointed some of these in bold:

Torchic's Pokeball

Vermillion City

minutes

Scyther's

reviews

-The paragraph regarding the Pikachu's sleep should be separate from David's shopping spree. It helps keep the events apart so we know that they are two separate occurances and not one.

-Cliche'd. Torchic refusing to remain in it's Pokeball? Ugh... each to their own I suppose, and at least it's not Pikachu.

-More description is needed! We know what these things look like, but describe them anyway!

Some good stuff though:

-Suspense. Interesting to see Torchic speak, and his 'first' words were great.

-Comedy. 'All items free' was a novel touch. Try that kinda subtle humour more often.

You're getting there. Keep it up!

-OL

 

[The Burnt Shadow]

I don't want to annoy you, but this needs a lot more work. You still need a lot more description. You need to describe Dave, what's the color of his hair, what's he wearing, etc. Describe the scene on where they are, give adjectives that'll create a really clear image in the readers mind. Well most advice I would give is just description. This sounds a bit like a normal trainer fic, but I'll see what happens next. Just follow advices given out and this'll probably end up well...

 

[blaziken13fire]

Thanks for the reviews.
^ I described him in the first chapter.( Or so I thought. Brown hair, kind of short, 5'11" wears jeans, I guss I should have said what color his shirt was as well as what skin color he has. The shirt's gray and he's white.)
^^ thanks, I'll work on that.