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Shadow, River and Inferno [PG/PG-13]

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“Shadow, River and Inferno” is a re-written version of “Pokemon: Generation of the Clones”, with both a new name and major edits. There will be no cloned Pokemon in this story, except for Mewtwo. I have tried my best to make the plot of “Shadow, River and Inferno” more original and I'm hoping I did a good job. Please let me know if you think otherwise.

Disclaimers: I don't own Pokemon, but I do own the nicknames two of the three main trainers give their Pokemon.

About reviews: I would appreciate constructive criticism that I can use to improve my story. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so if I make a mistake, please tell me. That's it from me. Now let's begin the story.

PM List:
1.DarkPersian479
2.Demy
3.Divinity 123

Prologue:

It was the year two thousand and seventeen. In a secret place in Kanto, the three Legendary birds – Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres – were having a meeting in their human forms.

The beautiful young woman, who was Articuno, turned her ruby red eyes to each of her companions while flicking back a lock of her icy blue hair. “Do the two of you agree with my choice or not?” She was addressing Zapdos, a young man with seemingly sinister black eyes and spiky yellow hair, and Moltres, another young man with black eyes like Zapdos and fiery reddish-orange hair.

“I certainly agree,” Moltres said quickly. “Even at the age of eight, it's so easy to tell that she's destined to be a Cooltrainer.”

“My biggest concern...” Zapdos began. “... is that she might abuse her powers.”

Zapdos and Moltres had decided many years ago that they would support Articuno in choosing her Child. They also didn’t think it was a very good idea that their gifts of electricity and fire would be very useful to a Child; they would be too dangerous for a Child to control.

The three Legendaries were talking about Rachel Swan, an eight year old girl who was to become a Cooltrainer when she turned eleven. Rachel had much wisdom for her age, due to her studying more after graduation. Her boundless energy and athletic abilities would enable her to control the Ice/Flying powers better than other children.

“Nonsense, Zapdos. She's the perfect one to be the Child of Articuno. She won’t abuse her powers because of her wisdom.” Moltres argued. “Don’t you remember when her parents gave her the responsibility of taking care of her baby cousin? She watched him the whole time. She proved that they could trust her with something very important.”

“What about the other two? The ones who are meant to be the Children of Mew and Mewtwo?” Zapdos questioned.

“Mew and Mewtwo should be talking about that right now.” Articuno explained.
*****
Far from the region of Kanto, in the land of Hoenn, Mew and Mewtwo were speaking to each other telepathically.

Giovanni has gone too far. He MUST be stopped, Mewtwo thought angrily. And that can only happen if three of the five Kanto Legendaries choose the Children. I sense Articuno has already chosen her Child. Now Mew and I must choose.

The tall whitish-purple Psychic Legendary turned slightly as a small pink Pokemon materialized. Mew? Where have you been?

The pink female cat-like Legendary started giggling madly. Having some fun! She replied, after regaining her composure.

This isn't any time to have fun! Mewtwo snapped. We need to choose the Children we are to later pass our powers to.

I've made my choice. I chose the red haired girl. She has the qualities of being serious in her battles, she's a good sport and she is also a good friend of Articuno's Child. Mew replied. Who are you going to choose?

The boy named Oak. Paul, I think his name is. Mewtwo answered. He has shown that he is very smart. His confidence is a great personality trait to prove he can handle the powers of telepathy and the ability to read minds. Also, the way he cares for Pokemon will earn him a lot of respect from his Pokemon and other trainers.

Their names? Rachel Swan, Josephine Waterflower-Ketchum and Paul Oak.

Three previously normal children were now the Chosen Children, and the Chosen Three would do great things.

What sort of things?

All will be revealed...

= To be continued =
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
... Psychic Umbreon, seriously, where are the edits? This is almost the exact same thing you posted last time- and why did you post it again. You could have elaborated the parts I pointed out to you, put more detail and depth into them, yet, you haven't. You added a small bit of length it seems, but overall did nothing else. Oh and if the bird trio are in human forms...

Why aren't Mew and Mewtwo? That bit still makes no sense :/ random human forms ftl. Description and Emotional depth still seem to be your weak points- as the description for Molt, Zap and Arti is akward and could have been done better, like I pointed out last time.

If you're really going to revise something. Revise it, rewrite it, make it better than the original. Not just slightly better.
 

Demy

Well-Known Member
This is very simmer to the last one is it not? PU you have put in a bit more length and discription. But that is about it.

Not much else to say ) : sorry

Demy
 

Divinity_123

shove 'er in! ;O
It is interesting but it isn't eye grabbing if you know what I mean. I'm expecting the next chapter to be amazing so don,t shatter my hopes. LOL JK. Keep up the work and good luck. Add me to the PM list if you don't mind.
 

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
Hmmm... It's an interesting premise, though having chosens with special powers must be handled carefully. Used improperly, they could become major Sues/Stus.

I would have liked more detail on why the three were chosen. I am aware that Josephine is the child of Ash and Misty, and Paul is related to Gary and Professor Oak, but you can't go on family lineage alone. After all, it could turn out that their children would rather be physics professors or truck drivers instead of trainers. What qualities set them apart from the average Joe Youngster or Tina Lass? You might have wanted to detail the thought processes of the legendaries as they decided on their chosens before rushing to a final decision. Right now I have no clue what makes these three so gifted and special. But perhaps that will be revealed along with the three children themselves.

Their names? Rachel Swan, Josephine Waterflower-Ketchum and Paul Oak.

Three previously normal children were now the Chosen Children, and the Chosen Three would do great things.

What sort of things?

All will be revealed...
Probably better not to break the fourth wall here.

All in all, this is interesting enough for me to stick with it. Just work a bit on the description, seal up those plot holes, and make sure you tread those special abilities with caution.
 
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DarkPersian479: Thank you for the review. I have edited the prologue as to make it better able to be understood.

Originally posted by DarkPersian479
Probably better not to break the fourth wall here.

What exactly do you mean by that?

In other news, the first chapter is hereby delayed as not only have I not finished typing it up, but when it's finished, I'll be getting a friend to look over it.
 
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DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
In most fics you don't want to address the reader like they're a part of the story. This includes posing questions to readers. That is better left to authors notes or review responses. A famous example of "breaking the fourth wall" in the anime is when James says "Darn! We spent the entire episode rooting for the good guys!" in the Lt. Surge episode.
 

Kutie Pie

"It is my destiny."
Okay, I'm here like I promised. And I agree with the others, Psychic Umbreon. (Sorry!) You should've put more in the prologue. But I liked the idea of the Legendary Birds in human form. (Yes! Mewtwo is in here! SQUEE! With Mew! *dies*)

Anyway, I'd like to be on the PM list, please. When you get the first chapter up, I'll come check it out. Your other stories did well (from what I could tell, gotta go read them, heh ^^;.), so I don't understand why you stooped low in the prologue.

Wishing you good luck at this remake!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Kutie Pie* Please be kind to midgets!
 

Dilasc

Boip!
Well, I'm reading as you asked in order to be fair. Let's take a look.

I'm not going to go into the whole ordeal about the legendaries here. Instead, I will talk about the terminology you tend to use that just sounds a bit off.

The three Legendaries were talking about Rachel Swan, an eight year old girl who was to become a Cooltrainer when she turned eleven.

They certainly have some supposedly good future perception to know that someone is going to transform into someone who's below room temperature and is in training. That is what you meant when you said 'cool trainer', right?

I mean, it could be the mackdaddy-o diggity word shortfly cool razz that all them jiggsaw young teens find a Macdonald awesome in with all the rap and teenybashing music.

On a more serious note, pretend that your reader has no clue what anything is, and that the only thing that we do have is imagination. It will make things much more pallatable to read, even if it does require long, even arduous to read descriptions, just teach us so we can understand what is going on.

Anything else. Yes, it smells of a cliche, from this furst impression. Children apparently blessed by the legendary phenoxi is not an unheard of story, especially with them being descendants of important canon characters.

To be honest, this is not my cup of tea.

On the cliche meter, I give it a 7 out of 10. That means its fairly cliche a concept of gods toying with mortals who are destined for greatness for reasons still unknown as of yet. Note, this score is not score is not set in stone though, so if you work on it, you can get a good story going, or so I hope anyway. Good luck.
 
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