SHANNON"S kanto adventure

[treecko power]

This is my first time doing this type of thing so please dont be do mean anyway this is a story about a kid from hoenn and how he and his starter treecko go on there journey threw out the kanto region.

heres a few bios for ya

shannon a kind careing trainer who looks after his pokemon has red hair and he is short.
treecko shannons starter.


professer birch shannons professer also keeps his pokemon shannon wants to leave at the lab.


cohen shannons long time buddy allso his rival a little bit taller than shannon has brownish black hair .
piplup cohen's starter.

and jesse also a long time freind of shannon travels with him about shannons hight and has blond hair.
pichu jesse's freindly pokemon.

ill post again in a few minutes and then shannon's journey will start.

 

[xmikeyxlikesitx]

all righty here i go.


beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. Argh i sighed as i crawled out of my nice warm bed i slowly placed my hand over the alarm clock and looked at the time WHAT ITS 1.00 im already an hour late. I quicky got changed into my blue jeans and green tshirt and ran strait out of the door then i herd '' what no breakfeast '' sorry mum im an hour late i need to get my pokemon ill come back later. I keeped going and sprinted to the professer's lab i nocked on the door like twenty times then a strange man with a blue shirt and a lab coat let me in.Thanks im here to recieve my starter pokemon so i can start my journey today. Im sorry shannon but the starters are all gone.
Are what professer did you just say there all gone!. Yes thats right oh wait a second just stay there then birch just walked strait over to this weird device a out came this red and white poke'ball here you go i almost forgot this strange person gave me this yesterday. Cool ive always wanted to do this Come on out who ever you are then i threw the ball to the ground it opened and this white light shimmerd in the room the all of a sudden agreen gekko like creature was there. No way a treecko thanks professer no probs i saved it just for you the other treecko went to another trainer well because you were late. ahhahahah yea well ill be off now i was about to go then birch said hold on heres a pokedex for you and also 5 poke'balls wow thanks professer. i walked out the door and treecko slowly walked behind me i got to show mum and dad oh yea and my brother i ran into my house and yelled MUM DAD RICKY LOOK AT MY STARTER they all came down and stared at the gekko like pokemon wow thats wonderfull dear now are you all ready sure am be carefull dad said to me dont worry ill be fine then my bro said kool carnt wait for my starter yea cya i grabbed my backpack out of my room and placed some food a cloths in there and i grab my belt and plaed the five pokeballs birch gave me and also treeckos then i said my good byes to poochyana our family pet and also to my family i then i rocketed strait to the next town.


welll thats the end for now any comments will be apricated

First of all, that was INCREDIBLY short, even for a prologue. There's no story line, really.

It is FULL of grammatical mistakes EVERYWHERE.

Nothing is spaced out and it looks crammed, there is no sense of anything going on...at all.



I'm not going to lie, but that was flat-out HORRIBLE. A 0.5 out of 10.


Here's my corrected version:

*beep beep*

*beep beep*

*beep beep beep*

"Argh..." I sighed as I crawled out of my nice warm bed. Slowly, I placed my hand over the alarm clock and looked at the time-

"WHAT? IT'S 1:00?! I'm already an hour late!" I quicky got changed into my blue jeans and green T-shirt and ran straight out of the door.

As I did, I heard ''What? No breakfeast?''

"Sorry, mum, I'm an hour late - I need to get my Pokémon! I'll come back later!" I keept going and sprinted to the Professor's Lab.

I knocked on the door about twenty times, then a strange man with a blue shirt and a lab coat let me in. "Thanks...I'm here to receive my starter Pokémon, so I can start my journey today..."

"I'm sorry, Shannon but the starters are all gone."

"Did you just say they're all gone?!"

"Yes, that's right...oh wait a second...just stay there..." Prof. Birch just walked straight over to this weird device and out came a red and white Poké Ball. "Here you go! I almost forgot! This strange person gave me this yesterday..."

"Cool, I've always wanted to do this! Come on out, whoever you are!" I threw the ball to the ground. It opened and this white light shimmered in the room. All of a sudden, a green gecko-like creature was there.

"No way! A Treecko?! Thanks, Professor!"

"No problem. I saved it just for you, the other Treecko went to another Trainer, well...because you were late."

"Ahhahahah, yeah well...I'll be off now..."

I was about to go, then Birch said, "Hold on - here's a Pokédex for you and also 5 Poké Balls."

"Wow, thanks Professor!" I walked out the door and Treecko slowly walked behind me. "I got to show mum and dad - oh yeah...and my brother."

I ran into my house and yelled, "MUM! DAD! RICKY! LOOK AT MY STARTER!"

They all came down and stared at the gecko-like Pokémon. "Wow, that's wonderful, Dear! Now are you all ready?"

"Sure am!"

"Be careful!" Dad said to me.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine."

Then my brother said, "Cool. Can't wait for my starter."

"Yeah, see ya!" I grabbed my backpack out of my room and placed some food and clothes in there. Then I grabbed my belt and placed the five Poké Balls Professor Birch gave me, along with Treecko's. Then I said my goodbyes to Poochyena, our family pet, and to my family, then I rocketed straight to the next town.





My version is only yours but corrected. See the difference? YOU SHOULD.

Your story is rushed. There's not plot line.

It sounds like, "I like ball. I ran with ball. Ball my friend. Ball and I beat bad guys. Ball and I win."

You don't tie any events together. It just jumps back and forth.



You also don't describe ANYTHING. I don't know what you look like. This is TERRIBLE. Are you tall, short, fat, skinny? I don't know. I know nothing about your character.



Also, your story has INCONSISTENCIES OUT THE *****HOLE. You said that Birch stated that he had "NO IDEA" what Pokémon it was, but then he "SUDDENLY KNEW" that it was a Treecko. I could drive a truck through your plotholes.




Worst of all, you haven't given us a reason to CARE about your story...at all.




I suggest you:

A: Learn how to write in English. You can't spell for sh*t.
B: Write a story that has a plot. So far, I don't care that you exist.
C: Learn how to describe things. DETAILS, DETAILS, DETAILS.
D: Write more than a garbled up mess. It was outright AWFUL to read.
E: Read my fanfic: Pokémon Adventure - Kokubei Chronicles Look at the difference. THAT is what a decent chapter should look like.

 

[treecko power]

First of all, that was INCREDIBLY short, even for a prologue. There's no story line, really.

It is FULL of grammatical mistakes EVERYWHERE.

Nothing is spaced out and it looks crammed, there is no sense of anything going on...at all.



I'm not going to lie, but that was flat-out HORRIBLE. A 0.5 out of 10.


Here's my corrected version:

*beep beep*

*beep beep*

*beep beep beep*

"Argh..." I sighed as I crawled out of my nice warm bed. Slowly, I placed my hand over the alarm clock and looked at the time-

"WHAT? IT'S 1:00?! I'm already an hour late!" I quicky got changed into my blue jeans and green T-shirt and ran straight out of the door.

As I did, I heard ''What? No breakfeast?''

"Sorry, mum, I'm an hour late - I need to get my Pokémon! I'll come back later!" I keept going and sprinted to the Professor's Lab.

I knocked on the door about twenty times, then a strange man with a blue shirt and a lab coat let me in. "Thanks...I'm here to receive my starter Pokémon, so I can start my journey today..."

"I'm sorry, Shannon but the starters are all gone."

"Did you just say they're all gone?!"

"Yes, that's right...oh wait a second...just stay there..." Prof. Birch just walked straight over to this weird device and out came a red and white Poké Ball. "Here you go! I almost forgot! This strange person gave me this yesterday..."

"Cool, I've always wanted to do this! Come on out, whoever you are!" I threw the ball to the ground. It opened and this white light shimmered in the room. All of a sudden, a green gecko-like creature was there.

"No way! A Treecko?! Thanks, Professor!"

"No problem. I saved it just for you, the other Treecko went to another Trainer, well...because you were late."

"Ahhahahah, yeah well...I'll be off now..."

I was about to go, then Birch said, "Hold on - here's a Pokédex for you and also 5 Poké Balls."

"Wow, thanks Professor!" I walked out the door and Treecko slowly walked behind me. "I got to show mum and dad - oh yeah...and my brother."

I ran into my house and yelled, "MUM! DAD! RICKY! LOOK AT MY STARTER!"

They all came down and stared at the gecko-like Pokémon. "Wow, that's wonderful, Dear! Now are you all ready?"

"Sure am!"

"Be careful!" Dad said to me.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine."

Then my brother said, "Cool. Can't wait for my starter."

"Yeah, see ya!" I grabbed my backpack out of my room and placed some food and clothes in there. Then I grabbed my belt and placed the five Poké Balls Professor Birch gave me, along with Treecko's. Then I said my goodbyes to Poochyena, our family pet, and to my family, then I rocketed straight to the next town.





My version is only yours but corrected. See the difference? YOU SHOULD.

Your story is rushed. There's not plot line.

It sounds like, "I like ball. I ran with ball. Ball my friend. Ball and I beat bad guys. Ball and I win."

You don't tie any events together. It just jumps back and forth.



You also don't describe ANYTHING. I don't know what you look like. This is TERRIBLE. Are you tall, short, fat, skinny? I don't know. I know nothing about your character.



Also, your story has INCONSISTENCIES OUT THE *****HOLE. You said that Birch stated that he had "NO IDEA" what Pokémon it was, but then he "SUDDENLY KNEW" that it was a Treecko. I could drive a truck through your plotholes.




Worst of all, you haven't given us a reason to CARE about your story...at all.




I suggest you:

A: Learn how to write in English. You can't spell for sh*t.
B: Write a story that has a plot. So far, I don't care that you exist.
C: Learn how to describe things. DETAILS, DETAILS, DETAILS.
D: Write more than a garbled up mess. It was outright AWFUL to read.
E: Read my fanfic: Pokémon Adventure - Kokubei Chronicles Look at the difference. THAT is what a decent chapter should look like.

ok thanks for the onasty and illl be sure to try harder next time

 

[xmikeyxlikesitx]

It's spelled "honesty."

PLEASE don't write a fanfic if you can't spell.

 

[treecko power]

It's spelled "honesty."

PLEASE don't write a fanfic if you can't spell.

sorry but im go on facebook so i tend to change my writing so ill be sure to do better and to make sure my writing is better

 

[treecko power]

*beep beep*

*beep beep*

*beep beep beep*

"Argh..." I sighed as I crawled out of my nice warm bed. Slowly, I placed my hand over the alarm clock and looked at the time-

"WHAT? IT'S 1:00?! I'm already an hour late!" I quicky got changed into my blue jeans and green T-shirt and ran straight out of the door.

As I did, I heard ''What? No breakfeast?''

"Sorry, mum, I'm an hour late - I need to get my Pokémon! I'll come back later!" I keept going and sprinted to the Professor's Lab.

I knocked on the door about twenty times, then a strange man with a blue shirt and a lab coat let me in. "Thanks...I'm here to receive my starter Pokémon, so I can start my journey today..."

"I'm sorry, Shannon but the starters are all gone."

"Did you just say they're all gone?!"

"Yes, that's right...oh wait a second...just stay there..." Prof. Birch just walked straight over to this weird device and out came a red and white Poké Ball. "Here you go! I almost forgot! This strange person gave me this yesterday..."

"Cool, I've always wanted to do this! Come on out, whoever you are!" I threw the ball to the ground. It opened and this white light shimmered in the room. All of a sudden, a green gecko-like creature was there.

"No way! A Treecko?! Thanks, Professor!"

"No problem. I saved it just for you, the other Treecko went to another Trainer, well...because you were late."

"Ahhahahah, yeah well...I'll be off now..."

I was about to go, then Birch said, "Hold on - here's a Pokédex for you and also 5 Poké Balls."

"Wow, thanks Professor!" I walked out the door and Treecko slowly walked behind me. "I got to show mum and dad - oh yeah...and my brother."

I ran into my house and yelled, "MUM! DAD! RICKY! LOOK AT MY STARTER!"

They all came down and stared at the gecko-like Pokémon. "Wow, that's wonderful, Dear! Now are you all ready?"

"Sure am!"

"Be careful!" Dad said to me.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine."

Then my brother said, "Cool. Can't wait for my starter."

"Yeah, see ya!" I grabbed my backpack out of my room and placed some food and clothes in there. Then I grabbed my belt and placed the five Poké Balls Professor Birch gave me, along with Treecko's. Then I said my goodbyes to Poochyena, our family pet, and to my family, then I rocketed straight to the next town.


there alll fixed sorry about my 1 before

 

[Shadow XD001]

A: Learn how to write in English. You can't spell for sh*t.

Actually, if Treecko Power doesn't speak English as his native Language, why learn how to write it if people on a FORUM demand it. You wouldn't like it if someone said you couldn't read/write/speak English, either.

But, yeah, Treecko Power, this Fic is not good. I'm not to good on reviewing, but I can tell you this: You have very little to no detail and youcan't have stuff like:
*beep* *beep* *beep*

Instead it could be: I was in a very deep sleep today when I was jolted up from my comfy bed by my noisy alarm clock. I really hated that thing. I slammed fist down on the alarm clock and it was put back into "snooze" mode. My eyes lit up wide when I saw that the time was 10:00 AM! I was late!

Yeah, I guess something like that would work, and I just came up with that. Please, don't use it on your works as it wouldn't be fair because I came up it not YOU Come up with your own thing and here's two places to go to for help before continuing with your fic:

Advice for Aspiring Authors
Fan Fiction Rules

 

[xmikeyxlikesitx]

I'm not so much annoyed with the knowing/not knowing of English, I'm just annoyed when people put in VERY VERY LITTLE effort into something and expect people to receive it nicely. That's just pure laziness.

If it were spelled wrong, but you could see effort toward the spacing, the language, elaboration, etc. etc. I would TOTALLY give them their fair amount of credit.

(The thing is, I speak several languages - English, German, and Italian fluently; and I also speak semi-fluent Japanese and have had 4 years of French. If I post on a forum in a language other than my first, I expect to be treated as if I moved to that country - I would make sure I can SPEAK the language properly before doing either! If I am horrible at a language, I would improve and come back - I can deal with honest criticism.)

 

[Shadow XD001]

I'm not so much annoyed with the knowing/not knowing of English, I'm just annoyed when people put in VERY VERY LITTLE effort into something and expect people to receive it nicely. That's just pure laziness.

If it were spelled wrong, but you could see effort toward the spacing, the language, elaboration, etc. etc. I would TOTALLY give them their fair amount of credit.

(The thing is, I speak several languages - English, German, and Italian fluently; and I also speak semi-fluent Japanese and have had 4 years of French. If I post on a forum in a language other than my first, I expect to be treated as if I moved to that country - I would make sure I can SPEAK the language properly[I/] before doing either! If I am horrible at a language, I would improve and come back, I can deal with honest criticism.)

That's true. There was little effort done in this fic and the recent chapter posted was an EXACT 100% copy of the example you gave, unless if you didn't care if it was copied, or not.