Lately tonight, I can't help but feel somewhat melancholy. I've come to the realization that I have so much more growing left to do as a person, that at times it truly feels like a futile battle. I know precisely what the flaws in my character are, which is an advantage not everyone has, but I don't know how to go about mending them. You see, I'm an individual that cares an extreme deal about what others choose to think about me. Other peoples perception of who and what I am affects me to an astonishing degree, even if I know an individuals perception is completely inaccurate and unjustified, it still weighs me down in more ways than I feel I could ever comprehend. I'm always told the very classic line "Just care about the people that matter." but my issue is that, for some reason, everyone matters. I don't know how to make them "not matter." I feel this almost primitive need for everyone to like me, and when I recieve even the slightest critisizm, my brain for some reason or another, interprets it as a sharp judgement on my entire character. On the outside at least, I'm very good at creating elaborate facades, leading others to believe that certain things don't affect me as much as they really do.
I've also been having many self doubts about my own intelligence, and by extension, I feel threatened by people who I percieve as more intelligent than I am. You see, when others hear me talk, or read what I have to say, they may assume that I'm intelligent, but I feel this is only a false assumption because I know how to play with language well. Or so I like to believe. However, when it comes to learning new things and grasping new concepts, I feel like almost everyone is so much...quicker than I am. I feel like I have to put disproportionate amounts of effort to focus and understand, or process things than others.
In the end I don't really know. Perhaps its just been a less than swell day, and my brain isn't really running smoothly. I do hope I'm in a much more cheerful mood come morning.
