Shigeru

[lewahi]

Shigeru
Chapter 4 is up!

Welcome to my first fanfic, Shigeru. I originally posted this on the Nintendo Forums, but it got locked because it was too mature. That being said, I've already finished the first 51 chapters of this story. However, I'm reworking the first few chapters to make them better. The later chapters will get longer (I got one around 7 pages in Word). There is some humor, but the genre switches on the fly. This is not a script. There will be no smilies here. The grammar and spelling are probably fine. I think I got everything covered. The more posts this gets, the faster I'll get chapters out, and it gets better later.

In the future chapters, there will be sexual themes, so I'll say this.
RATED PG-13 (SEXUAL THEMES)

With that out of the way, please enjoy! ;093;

Chapter 1:
I looked out the window of my room and I sighed. I had to endure another miserable day. It was a Thursday in June. School would be over soon, and then I’d be free. However, things aren’t that easy. I have been bullied all my life. I have no friends. Everyone hates me, and they won’t leave me alone. I wasn’t physically active at all. I just wished that I could get revenge on everybody who bullied me. That’s all I wanted, revenge.

I packed my textbooks into my backpack. I then grabbed my bag lunch, got my stuff, and left the house. I was worried while walking. Thursday was the worst day of the week for me. Between my break period, and my lunch period, I had Tony in all my classes. I hated Tony. His jokes were horrid, but everybody likes him because he was athletic. He was too athletic for his age of 13. All I wanted was revenge on him. I wanted him to know that if he spoke an insult to me, he’d pay the price.

While walking to school, I was drinking Coca-Cola. The only reason why I drank soda in the morning was so I had energy to run from Tony. That’s all I could do, and yet it wasn’t enough. Just thinking of Tony made me mad. I crushed the can of Coca-Cola in my hand. The soda gushed out of the can onto my hand. I dropped the can, and then kicked it with all my might. The can went around 20 feet forward. I then heard laughing. I turned around and saw Tony on his skateboard.

“Tony…”

“Moe!? Haha, you weak-”

Tony started cursing. He then jumped off his skateboard, grabbed it, and walked towards me. He cursed and then kicked me in a very vulnerable masculine place.

“Dah…”

I fell to the ground. Tony cursed and then rode off. It started to rain. I then crawled to school, knowing that more was waiting for me during the day.

After school, I walked back home. It was 3:30 in the afternoon. I was the only one home. My parents were at work, and my sister was busy on a project at school. I got an icepack and put in on my head. I then began to work on my homework. Even though I had assignments in English, Geography, Algebra, and Life Science, I managed to finish everything in an hour. I got good grades, but that was the last thing anybody cared about. I turned on my television and started flipping through the channels. I then saw a Geico commercial. Suddenly, the commercial changed to a news broadcast. I flipped through the channels. Every channel had the same news broadcast. I saw a bald man in a tuxedo talk on the television.

“We interrupt this program to bring you this special bulletin. We shall deliver this bulletin within minutes, but whatever you do, please stay inside for your own safety!”

And so, I watched and waited.

Chapter 2:
I was on my couch, waiting for the newscaster to make his announcement. After what felt like hours, I saw him return to his seat. I checked the clock to realize that only two minutes had passed. I had many questions rushing through my head. The newscaster cleared his throat, and then talked.

“Recently, the World Senate has been researching and creating new gases to create a safe, Oxygen substitute. After ten years of underground molecular and atomic configuration, the World Senate created a new type of gas, Carbogen. Carbogen is composed of Oxygen and sugar in gas form. When inhaled, the sugar will immediately enter your bloodline and diffuse into your cells, thus making a chemical reaction upon contact with your mitochondrion, giving you energy.”

“Woah! Is that even possible?”

“However, during the creation of Carbogen, there was an error in the process. Sodium, Neon, Argon, Uranium, along with many new radioactive elements the World Senate crated got mixed in with the Carbogen.”

“That can’t be good.”

“The new substance got exposed to water, which caused an explosion. That explosion created a new gas, one that has yet to be named by the World Senate. That new gas seemed to mutate different objects and creatures into bizarre aberrations.”

“Wh-What kind of joke is this!?”

“One representative from each country came to the World Senate headquarters and debated what to name these creatures. A name has been decided.”

“Tell us already!”

“These creatures have been classified as Pokémon. Currently, there are over 350 different types of Pokémon. And there are over 500,000 in the Pokémon population.”

“Pokémon, eh? Very odd name.”

There was a pause, and then the man continued speaking.

“This just in! We have been sent a video of a Pokémon for the public!”

The screen switched from the newscaster to a green creature, resembling a merge between a plant and a dinosaur, on all fours. It had a bud on its back, and dark green spots on its body. I laughed.

“That’s it? That’s the dangerous creature?”

The creature opened its mouth and it let out a massive beam, greater than anything I could imagine.

“Th-That’s not possible!”

I felt a cold grasp around the back of my neck, and I could not recall what happened next. I was unconscious.

Chapters:
Chapters 3-4

 

[Dilasc]

I don't know who the heck rated you a 1. This is certainly not one star rating material. At the same time, mind you, it is certainly no five, as there are a few issues.

First and foremost, the sentences seem choppy, and don't flow together too well. It's as though they weren't meant to go together. I'll give an example.

I fell to the ground. Tony cursed and then rode off. It started to rain. I then crawled to school, knowing that more was waiting for me during the day.

It'd flow better if it were like this: I fell to the ground in pain. To this, Tony cursed, riding off. As if things weren't miserable enough, it began to rain. Through the downpour, I had to crawl to school, knowing that more misery would await me.

Do you understand the premise behind it? If you write in a more fluent manner, the story will flow.

Another strange portion is plot. So out of nowhere, nearly four hundred species of Pokemon have been discovered and suddenly unleashed to the world all at once? That's something you may need to work on fleshing out.

Also, the main character. He screams angst with a miserable life. Be careful not to make him into too much of an Anti-sue or a mary sue.

Other than that, I'd like to know the dope who rated you a one. It's probably a three, maybe a four if you can have the story flow better and can make it sound more logical.

 

[lewahi]

I don't know who the heck rated you a 1. This is certainly not one star rating material. At the same time, mind you, it is certainly no five, as there are a few issues.

First and foremost, the sentences seem choppy, and don't flow together too well. It's as though they weren't meant to go together. I'll give an example.



It'd flow better if it were like this: I fell to the ground in pain. To this, Tony cursed, riding off. As if things weren't miserable enough, it began to rain. Through the downpour, I had to crawl to school, knowing that more misery would await me.

Do you understand the premise behind it? If you write in a more fluent manner, the story will flow.

Another strange portion is plot. So out of nowhere, nearly four hundred species of Pokemon have been discovered and suddenly unleashed to the world all at once? That's something you may need to work on fleshing out.

Also, the main character. He screams angst with a miserable life. Be careful not to make him into too much of an Anti-sue or a mary sue.

Other than that, I'd like to know the dope who rated you a one. It's probably a three, maybe a four if you can have the story flow better and can make it sound more logical.

I only rated it a 5 because I couldn't stand seeing the 1.

I understand the non-flowiness(ness) of the sentences and will work on it.

The plot gets more interesting and works out. Remember, I already have 51 chapters done.

You'll get used to the main character as the story develops, trust me.

Thank you

 

[Faerie]

Hello, I'm here on request. I recieved your PM. And, yeah.

First of all, it could use work on the description. In fact, there is hardly any description at all. Overuse of description isn't good, but that certainly dosen't mean you should hardly use any. Description gives richness to the story and draws readers in; it's one of the reasons so many people love to read.

Length is pretty good, but you should smooth it out a little. Those two chapters could easily be one; a chapter on this forum is supposed to be at leas one page long on MS Word.

Otherwise, this is a good start. With tuning up, this has potenial to become quite good.

 

[lewahi]

Hello, I'm here on request. I recieved your PM. And, yeah.

First of all, it could use work on the description. In fact, there is hardly any description at all. Overuse of description isn't good, but that certainly dosen't mean you should hardly use any. Description gives richness to the story and draws readers in; it's one of the reasons so many people love to read.

Length is pretty good, but you should smooth it out a little. Those two chapters could easily be one; a chapter on this forum is supposed to be at leas one page long on MS Word.

Otherwise, this is a good start. With tuning up, this has potenial to become quite good.

It gets description-ery later on.

It gets MUCH longer later on. One chapter is at least 7 pages long.

Thank you. I'm almost done refining chapter 3.

EDIT: Actually, it is a bit over one page in Word. The chapters will get longer.

 

[PokemonMaster11]

Wow this is really good! I can't wait for the next chapter!

 

[Sike Saner]

Pokémon appearing in the real world? *nods* That's usually a pretty interesting premise. Right now, the main thing I'd advise you on with this is the length of the chapters. Currently, the chapters are hovering between one and two pages; a length of at least four pages is generally recommended. It's also a good idea to post each chapter seperately (but don't start a separate thread for each chapter) instead of editing them all into the first post. Also, I'd advise you to be careful with the sexual themes, but if you're keeping it at the PG-13 level, you should be just fine where that's concerned.

Anyway, I think you might well be on to something with the concept. Just work on the length a bit, and heed Dilasc's advice there, too, and you should do fine.

 

[lewahi]

Wow this is really good! I can't wait for the next chapter!

This is one of the people who've read every chapter (all 51) and knows what happens.

I ask you not to spoil anything for anybody.

EDIT: @ Sike Saner

They will get longer and better. In fact, here comes Chapter 3!

 

[lewahi]

Chapter 3:
I woke up after a while, having no idea what happened. I felt weightless, as if I was a ghost. I looked around. I saw my couch, my television, and the dust above the shelf. Everything was the same.

“Something feels different…”

I continued looking around.

“Wait. How can I see the dust above the shelf? I’m not that tall. Unless…”

I looked below me. I saw myself, lying on the couch.

“Wh-What is this? I-I’m…”

I gulped.

“I’m dead…”

After thinking for a minute, I screamed.

“GYAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I went upstairs and headed into the bathroom. I then looked into the mirror.

“AGGGGGHHHHHH!”

I saw a dark purple sphere omitting light purple gas. The sphere and vampire fangs and large, white eyes with tiny black pupils. It took me a while to realize that was me.

“No! Th-This isn’t happening! I-I can’t be a ghost…”

I had a sinking feeling. I puked into my sink.

“Ugh…”

I looked back at the mirror.

“No! No! This isn’t possible!”

I then heard a menacing laugh from behind me.

“Har! Har! Har!”

I turned around slowly to see a triangular purple ghost with two disembodied hands.

“A-A-A…”

“Har! Har! Har! I love being mischievous! It’s so much fun! Har! Har!”

“Wh-Who are y-you?”

“Har! I am a Pokémon!”

“A Pokémon?”

“Yes, a Pokémon.”

Suddenly, my head started to sprout many questions.

“What’s your name? What were you before you were transformed?”

“Heh. I’m a Haunter, a ghost Pokémon! And you, you are a Gastly! Harhar!”

“What were you before that gas changed you?”

“Har! I was a spirit haunting a cemetery. I’m having a good time in the real world! Harhar!”

This Pokémon, Haunter, clamped his two disembodied hands together. He then released his grip, and a pair of sunglasses appeared between them. He chuckled and put them on. My head was filled with more questions.

“How’d you do that? What’d you do to me? Why’d you do that to me?”

“All Pokémon have special powers. I have telekinesis and ghost powers. As for you, I removed your soul from your body and transformed that soul into a Gastly.”

The Haunter then created a can of Coca-Cola.

“And I did this to you…so you can have your revenge!”

“What?”

The Haunter chugged the Coca-Cola and then made the can disappear.

“Follow me, Moe!”

I followed Haunter outside the house, only thinking about my revenge.

Chapter 4:
After leaving the house, I turned to the Haunter.

“Hey! How are we going to get revenge on Tony?”

“Just trust me on this. After watching television, he’ll sleep. Then, we strike! Harhar!”

“But, he sleeps at midnight…”

“Don’t worry! We’re ghosts! We’ll never get drowsy!”

Haunter started to crack up in laughter.

“Get it? Drowsy!”

“No…”

“It’s a Pokémon! Harhar! No pun intended!”

“Ugh. Won’t my parents be worried?”

“Parents? Of course not! I put you in bed. They think you’re sleeping!”

I sighed.

“So, what are we going to do while waiting?”

The Haunter gave a mysterious grin.

“We’ll go to the town I grew up in!”

“You mean the cemetery?”

“No! It’s a ghost-Pokémon town that spans all of America!”

“Stop right there! Pokémon were created recently! That’s im-”

“LIARS!”

I looked at Haunter with fear.

“Pokémon have been around for 10 years. The World Senate was keeping it undercover while doing research.”

“Oh…”

“Now! To the ghost Pokémon town! But first!”

Haunter created another can of Coca-Cola, chugged it, made the can disappear, and burped.

“Now let’s go!”

Haunter put one of his cold hands on my head. I shivered. He then raised the other one in the air.

“Close your eyes, Moe.”

I closed my eyes. I felt everything spinning around me. It seemed too much to bear.

“Here we are! Home, sweet home!”

I opened my eyes to see a city filled with ghost Pokémon. However, I could only identify two of them. I saw a Pokémon resembling a fat human with a spiky back. It was the same shade of purple as Haunter. Its eyes were red, and it had a big smile. It also had a tail.

“Haunter, what’s that purple, human-like Pokémon?”

“That would be a Gengar.”

The next Pokémon I saw was a small, human-like Pokémon with huge eyes. His skin was not as dark a purple as Haunter, but it was still purple.

“Haunter, what’s that?”

“Har. That’s a Sableye!”

The next Pokémon was black. It had a head, but everything under that looked like mush. It had pink on the tips of its head. It had big yellow eyes with a red pupil. It was wearing a red necklace.

“Haunter, what’s that?”

“That, boy? That’s a Misdreavus.”

The next Pokémon I saw resembled the shell of an orange cockroach with wings. It was floating, and it had a white halo.

“Haunter, is that a Pokémon a bug or a ghost?”

“That? Shedinja? Would you believe me if I said both?”

“Huh?”

“It’s true! Pokémon can be two types! I’m ghost and poison! Woohoo!”

The Haunter created two Coca-Cola cans and handed one of them to me.

“I have no hands…”

“You have telekinesis. Imagine yourself picking it up.”

Haunter threw the can at me. I tried to pick it up, preparing for the worst. I was surprised when I found out that I caught it easily.

“Haha! What’d I tell ya?”

We both chugged our Coca-Cola. A Pokémon floated by. It resembled a floating cloth, shaped like a puppet, with eyes.

“That’s a Shuppet. And behind her is a Duskull.”

Behind her was a gray Pokémon shaped like a grave reaper. It was wearing a flattened, white skull. Behind that skull came one piercing red eye.

“Moe! Look behind them!”

Behind them were two Pokémon. One was black, like Shuppet. It had a golden zippered mouth and resembled a humanoid, old hag. The other was a mummy, wrapped in gray bandages with one piercing red eye, much like Duskull. It resembled a human, in a way.

“Okay, Moe! The one with the zipper is Shuppet. The other is Dusclops! And the next is…”

“Yes?”

“That’s it…”

Haunter created a cone hat that was labeled ghost. He put it on my head.

“Harharha! Hey! We have to hurry to the concert hall! There’s an act coming up!”

“Wait. Singing Pokémon?”

“Yeah! C’mon! It’ll be fun!”

I sighed and followed Haunter, not knowing what to expect.

 

[PokemonMaster11]

*2 thumbs up* Nice chapter! Haunter is so funny. oooh I wonder what kind of revenge they do!

 

[lewahi]

*2 thumbs up* Nice chapter! Haunter is so funny. oooh I wonder what kind of revenge they do!

Glad you liked it and you don't need to fake not knowing what happens next.

 

[Yami Ryu]

The 3rd chapter compared to the first two (in the same post which is breaking the rules), makes the first two look better. Just because you stretched it out and didn't make any paragraphs doesn't mean it's longer. Infact I think it could be shorter than chapter one or two.

And why would, I take it, Moe, like or accept that Haunter snatched him from his body? I mean there's a difference from astro projection and causing your body to go into a brain dead coma; so Moe would readily accept becoming a Gastly just to get a bit of revenge?

 

[lewahi]

The 3rd chapter compared to the first two (in the same post which is breaking the rules), makes the first two look better. Just because you stretched it out and didn't make any paragraphs doesn't mean it's longer. Infact I think it could be shorter than chapter one or two.

And why would, I take it, Moe, like or accept that Haunter snatched him from his body? I mean there's a difference from astro projection and causing your body to go into a brain dead coma; so Moe would readily accept becoming a Gastly just to get a bit of revenge?

Yes, he would do all that for revenge. And not just a bit.
His personality is slowly coming out.

He was amazed at the Haunter.

 

[PokemonMaster11]

The 3rd chapter compared to the first two (in the same post which is breaking the rules), makes the first two look better. Just because you stretched it out and didn't make any paragraphs doesn't mean it's longer. Infact I think it could be shorter than chapter one or two.

And why would, I take it, Moe, like or accept that Haunter snatched him from his body? I mean there's a difference from astro projection and causing your body to go into a brain dead coma; so Moe would readily accept becoming a Gastly just to get a bit of revenge?

You don't know his history though. He has a bad history with Tony and thats why he wants revenge.

 

[lewahi]

You don't know his history though. He has a bad history with Tony and thats why he wants revenge.

Yeah, what he said.

But thanks for your opinion, and I'll think about it.

 

[Yami Ryu]

PokemonMaster11; are you the author? No, was I talking to you? No.

But this proves a point; Moe has very little personality here, and is coming off as a bad Revenge type character. And those are usually very boiring, very bland, or very un original. The other part of the point is; NO ONE here would really know of the history between Tony and Moe, and I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe a person would want to basically die, get turned into a Gastly/Ghost, just to get a bit of revenge on someone.

 

[lewahi]

PokemonMaster11; are you the author? No, was I talking to you? No.

But this proves a point; Moe has very little personality here, and is coming off as a bad Revenge type character. And those are usually very boiring, very bland, or very un original. The other part of the point is; NO ONE here would really know of the history between Tony and Moe, and I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe a person would want to basically die, get turned into a Gastly/Ghost, just to get a bit of revenge on someone.

You can wait and see what happens, but if you don't like it, you may leave.

I respect your opinions, though.

 

[PokemonMaster11]

PokemonMaster11; are you the author? No, was I talking to you? No.

But this proves a point; Moe has very little personality here, and is coming off as a bad Revenge type character. And those are usually very boiring, very bland, or very un original. The other part of the point is; NO ONE here would really know of the history between Tony and Moe, and I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe a person would want to basically die, get turned into a Gastly/Ghost, just to get a bit of revenge on someone.

You may not have been talking to me but that doesnt mean I cant answer for him does it? You dont have to be so rude! And Moe isnt dead he is just in ghastly form!

 

[lewahi]

You may not have been talking to me but that doesnt mean I cant answer for him does it? You dont have to be so rude! And Moe isnt dead he is just in ghastly form!

We don't want a flame war.

I respect his opinions, and you should too, so let's just call it a truce and end this, because I don't want this thread locked.

Sorry for the inconvience, Renegade.

 

[lewahi]

If anybody cares, chapter 4 is up in the same post as chapter 3.