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Shiny Expert:Xander

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Xman96, May 17, 2011.

  1. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    So this is a kind of sequel to "The Journey of Xander." Although, it might be more appropiate to call that a glorified prolouge to this. If you want to read it then here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=519725 You do not need to read that in order to read this. It will make some things clearer though. This will not be in journal form like my last fic, but will instead be in the standard form of storytelling. So here is chapter one.

    P.S. If there is dialect that is between two * then that means that the character is thinking that.

    Rated: PG

    Chapter 1:An Interesting Find​
    *Perhaps if I had used Swords Dance before attacking, I could have defeated…No that wouldn’t have worked.* Xander was thinking this as he sat in his room, at the Unova league dorms. Xander was having a hard time accepting his loss during the Unovan league, as he has never made it further than the top 8 in the three leagues that he has been in, and was hoping to do better this time. To top it off, Xander just traded away his Ursaring for a Hydreigon. Xander was very close to Ursaring, and is currently depressed because of this.

    *Where do I go now? I’ve always been interested in shiny pokemom. Maybe that’s what I should do. Where should I start though?* Xander let out an audible sigh. Right then his Xtranciever rang. When he answered it he was surprised to see Prof. Rowan’s face.

    “Hi Professor. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you,” Xander replied in a calm and slightly disinterested manner.

    “Xander, you must come quickly to my lab, you have to see this!” Prof. Rowan sounded ecstatic.

    “What has you so excited Professor?” Xander was genuinely curious now. Not many things got Prof. Rowan excited, so this must be something big.

    “No time to explain! I have to get back to it; there’s a plane on its way to you, and will take you to Sandgem town. I need you to get here as quick as you can!” At this Prof. Rowan hung up.

    “What was that about?” Xander thought aloud. “Well, whatever it is, it has to be important. Now who should I bring with me? Salamence is a given, and I think Scrafty would be a good choice as well. I haven’t spent much time with Gliscor lately either. My shiny Lucario has been a good friend, so I will bring him. Charizard and Carracosta will come too.” Xander proceeded to withdraw those pokemon and waited for about 20 minutes for the plane to pick him up.

    *** 1 day later***

    Xander stepped off the plane and looked at Sandgem town. It had changed quite a lot since he’d last seen it nearly two years ago. It was larger in size, and sported its own airport. Xander stretched his legs after the 23 hour flight. “I really hate plane rides,” Xander said sleepily.

    Prof. Rowan was waiting to greet him. “Xander, I’m glad that you made it. I trust that the plane ride was comfortable.” He sounded much calmer then he did when he first contacted Xander.

    “I’m not much for planes in general, but you didn’t have to spring for a private jet Professor.” Xander was surprised to find when he got onboard that he was the only passenger. It did make the plane ride more bearable though.

    Prof. Rowan smiled, “Don’t thank me, thank the Researcher’s Foundation, this is their private jet. Anyway, I didn’t call in a favor with the Foundation just to say hi. I found something that I thought you might like to see.” He said the last sentence with an air of mystery.

    Xander asked, now very curious about what the Professor found, “What did you find that required me to fly half way around the world?”

    With a twinkle in his eye the Professor simply said, “You’ll see.”

    ***At Prof. Rowan’s Lab***

    Xander stared at the incredible sight before him. “Where did you find her?”

    “She flew in one day, and was in pretty bad shape. As far as my staff can tell, she was hit by about a dozen Toxic attacks an hour before crash landing at the lab.” Professor Rowan explained to Xander.

    What was lying on a table before them was perhaps the most beautiful, and intriguing thing Xander had ever seen: a Shiny Latias. He was dumbfounded at the sight.

    “Is she stable?” Xander asked recovering from his shock.

    Rowan replied cautiously, “She is better than when she first came here, that much is certain. Latias is not out of the woods yet though. She took in a lot of poison.” Rowan spoke these last words sadly.

    Xander began thinking, “Latias is a powerful pokemon, case in point, the fact that she was able to fly for an hour after surviving that many Toxic attacks. That makes me wonder though, why would Latias take all of that abuse. Wild pokemon certainly wouldn’t, and couldn’t, attack that viciously. I wonder if people were involved. I know for a fact that Latias would go for a high price on the black market. I can’t imagine what a shiny one could be worth.”

    “So you think that there might be poachers around here?”

    “That’s right. Have you seen anyone suspicious around here lately?”

    “Not that I can think of off the top of my head,” Rowan replied.

    Xander was about to reply when one of the assistants came out of the room where Latias was being taken care of. The assistant was clearly excited, “Professor, Latias is waking up! What do you think we should do?”

    “Let her out into the field, in the back of the grounds. Hurry, before she wakes up.”

    The assistants sprang into action, and in no time Latias was unhooked from all of the medical equipment, and placed in a field.

    Xander watched her from the bushes as she began to wake up. Her eyes began to open, and she started to float a little. As soon as she was fully awake, she tried to take off. She only made it about a hundred feet into the air before she fell to the ground. She was obviously still weak.

    Xander decided that he would try to comfort her a bit, but the second he stepped out of the bushes, she fled at top speed. “Hm, that didn’t go well. Perhaps I should just let her calm down a bit before approaching her.” He let his old friend Salamence out of its poke ball. In a flash of white, Salamence’s form became solid and he looked at Xander inquisitively. “Hey bud! I need you to take me to the local police station; do you think you’re up to it?”

    Salamence grunted at the notion that he couldn’t fly that short distance. Xander climbed onto its back, and he zoomed off
    as fast as he could.

    “Slow down you dork!” Xander shouted into the wind. Salamence obediently slowed down to a casual space. “Thanks. I missed you buddy. Sorry that I had to leave you behind, but we’ll be traveling together for a while now.” Salamence was happy at hearing this. He had missed Xander a lot over the last couple months.

    *I’ve really missed all of my pokemon. I can’t wait to spend time with them all.*

    Xander had a kind personality, and couldn’t stand injustice, especially against those that couldn’t defend themselves. He also had an insatiable thirst for knowledge which has led him to take an interest in studying shiny pokemon. Xander looked down across the city; it sure had changed since he was last all that time ago. He saw the police station up ahead. “Land there Salamence.” Salamence veered and landed softly in front of the station. “Thanks buddy.” Xander returned Salamence to its poke ball.

    ***Inside the police station***

    “No, I’m not here to turn myself in for abducting pokemon. I’m here to see if there have been any reports of any pokemon abductions lately,” Xander said this totally floored at the intelligence, or lack thereof, of this cop.

    “That’s just what a pokemon abductor would say!” He exclaimed, “To check up on the competition, or maybe just to gloat over his work.”


    *Wow, does this guy try to be this stupid, or does it just come naturally?*

    The officer pulled out his hand cuffs and began walking toward Xander, “I think that we have enough circumstantial evidence to warrant an arrest. You have the right to remain silent…”

    “Are you kidding me?! Salamence, show this guy who we are!” Salamence came out of his ball and looked intently at the approaching cop.

    “Ah, I can see that you’re intent on resisting arrest! Well then, go, Bidoof!”

    “BIDOOF?!” Xander yelled incredulously.

    “Yes, Bidoof, and he is the best pokemon in the entire force!” The officer said boastfully, “And he can take on any Salamence.”

    At this Salamence actually fell over laughing, and Xander couldn’t contain his laughter either.

    The officer was clearly embarrassed, but before he could say anything back Officer Jenny walked in.

    “What’s going here Jerry!?” She demanded from the officer.

    “Well, you see, I was just trying to arrest this pokemon abductor here, an-“

    Xander interrupted, “What the heck are you talking about! I came in here asking if there had been any reports of pokemon abductions.”

    “As I already told this crook Officer Jenny, I’m on to his games. He obviously came back here to see if there was any competition in the thieving business.”

    Officer Jenny looked at him just shocked, “Jerry, you’ve been dumb before, but this is just ludicrous! You’re assigned to parking ticket patrol for a month.”

    “But, but why?” He whined.

    “Because, you tried to arrest, and start a battle in the middle of a police station! Not only that, but did you really think that your Bidoof could take on this incredible looking Salamence?”

    Salamence noticeably bulked up at the complement.

    “It’s the best Bidoof in the station,” Jerry muttered under his breath.

    “What was that?” Officer Jenny asked pointedly.

    “Nothing ma’am.”

    “Good, now you better get going on patrolling, and handing out parking tickets.”

    “Yes ma’am,” The officer left dejectedly.

    Officer Jenny walked up to Xander, “Sorry about that Xander. Jerry can be overzealous in his work, but he has a good heart.”

    Xander looked kind of stunned, “Wait, how do you know my name?”

    She laughed, “I watched the Unova league, Sinnoh league, and Johto league. You, were impressive in all three. I especially liked watching Salamence,” She smiled in Salamence’s direction.

    “It’s nice to be recognized I guess. I just wish, that I could have placed higher than 8th. I didn’t come here though to discuss my short comings. I came here, to find out about any abductions that have taken place in the immediate area.”

    “Is there any reason why you are interested in this?” She asked as she looked through the computer, and began printing off the files.

    Xander thought about whether he should tell Jenny about the Latias, he decided not to, “Let’s just say, that I’m here on business for Prof. Rowan.”

    “Um, ok. Well, here are the most recent reports of pokemon being abducted. Wow, I guess I didn’t realize that there have been 10 in the last month.”

    Xander once again looked shocked and perused the list of abductions, “You didn’t notice, that ten of the same crimes, with the same MO, have been committed in less than a month?!”

    “They had the same MO too? That’s interesting. Have you ever thought about joining the police force?”

    “No, I haven’t, but thanks for the idea,” Xander turned to leave with Salamence, and rolled his eyes. *I didn’t think that the police force would be that bad.*

    “Well Salamence, looks like we had better look into these reports.”

    Salamence growled an approval.

    So that was a pretty short chapter, but I wanted to get something up tonite. I don't want to call it a prolouge though as it contains important information. Please tell me what you all think!
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2011
  2. dracoburn

    dracoburn Lance's protege

    Your writing has gotten much more mature! The police station bit got me to laugh until I had a coughing fit. Keep it up, Xman. I like this even more than your original.
     
  3. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    This really means a lot to me, thank you. I though that it needed a bit of humor, and I got the idea from the fact that in every game the person that saves the world is not the organized police force, but a ten year old. I though that I would include that in this for some fun. I am glad that you thought it was good. The second chapter is nearly done, and will be posted tomorrow.
     
  4. dracoburn

    dracoburn Lance's protege

    I look forward to it :)

    Yea, I'm trying to make mine less serious, too. Did you know that, despite being a ground type trainer, she's afraid of being underground? And all her Pokemon think Clay's a moron.

    Little touches of comic relief make a serious story worth reading in any mood.
     
  5. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    Very true. I plan on displaying Xander's emotions more in this story, at the critique of Feralninja. I hope that he comments soon as well. The next chapter introduces what I plan to have be the main enemy of this arc.
     
  6. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    Ok, so here is the second chapter. I hope you all like it.

    Chapter 2: A Slew of New Friends​

    “This is where the police lost them,” Xander said to his Cryogonal that he had out with him, “According to the report, they stopped following them because the pursuing forces didn’t like the woods.” Xander rubbed his temples. “That really should be a surprise to me, but somehow, it isn’t.” Xander and his Cryogonal began their trek into the woods.

    ***Deep in the Sandgem Woods***

    Cryogonal went far ahead of Xander, to scout things out. *He sure is fast. Cryogonal has been a good partner over the last month, but he sure is serious.* Cryogonal came back and seemed agitated.

    “Cry, cry, gonal, cry!”

    “What is it Cryogonal?”

    “Gonal!”

    “Okay, I’ll follow you.”

    Cryogonal sped ahead faster than Xander could keep up with. A couple of times Cryogonal had to stop to let Xander catch up. When they got to a clearing Xander was horrified at what he saw; there were maybe a dozen rare shiny pokemon all in cages. Xander was sickened at this sight, and was about to just charge into the clearing, when he got a chill coming from Cryogonal’s direction. He shook his head, er, body. “I understand. We need to figure out a plan before we go in there.”
    Xander and Cryogonal checked the area surrounding the clearing. As they were coming almost full circle, they heard a conversation between two of the men.

    “It sure took a long time to get all of these pokemon rounded up.”

    “Yeah it was, but imagine the profit we will make off of these!”

    “I never did understand why people liked these odd colored pokemon so much.”

    “Eh, I guess it’s just cool to be different. You’ve gotta admit, these are much rarer than their normal counterparts.”

    “It’s just too bad that the Latias escaped.”

    “I know. That thing took months of tracking, and a careful ambush to catch it. It would have been worth a fortune.”

    “It sure was powerful. Oh well, let’s go ever the list. Shinies are Tangrowth, Gorebyss, Froslass, Honchkrow, Volcarona, Scizor, Scolipede, Accelgor, Hitmonchan, Drifblim, Haxorus, and Dragonite.”

    “Checks on all of them, this should be quite a haul!”

    “Well, we had better load up, le-ahh!”

    That was the sound the guard made when Cryogonal used Rapid Spin on him, and he passed out. The other guard sent out a Quagsire.

    “Quaaaag,” The pokemon said dopily.

    “Quagsire use Brick Break!”

    Quagsire moved surprisingly fast and got a direct hit on Cryogonal. Cryogonal moved backwards and prepared for its trainer’s order.

    “Cryogonal, use Recover, and then follow it up with Ice Beam!”

    Cryogonal began taking in energy and felt renewed. That is what allowed Cryogonal to dodge Quagsire’s second Brick Break attack, and hit him head on with Ice Beam. Quagsire was frozen in place.

    “What the! I gotta go sound the alarm!” The guard rushed off into the distance.

    “Oh no you don’t, go Eelecktross!” Xander threw a poke ball into the air, and out came this fairly ugly pokemon, and it hit the ground with a thud.

    “Eeeeelecktrooooossssss,” It cried as it was let out of the poke ball.

    “Eelecktross use Thunderbolt!”

    Eelecktross let loose a terrifying bolt of electricity that struck the guard head on. He dropped on the spot, unconscious. “Good job Eelecktross. I need you to create a distraction while Cryogonal and I free these pokemon. Can you do that?” Eelecktross nodded its head and flew off and began spraying fire and electricity everywhere, and sending the camp into chaos.

    “Alright Cryogonal, you freeze the cages, and I’ll break them open, got it?” Cryogonal nodded in approval.

    After fighting through a couple of guards all of the pokemon were free and following the group. Cryogonal and Eelcktross made sure all of the pokemon stayed with the group as Xander and his pokemon escaped the forest. They immediately took all of the pokemon to the pokemon center. They were malnourished and mistreated, but no lasting harm was done.
    Nurse Joy came in with a smile on her face, “You did a good deed today Xander. These pokemon would have gone off to who knows where, and probably been mistreated. These certainly are amazing pokemon though. Twelve shiny pokemon, that’s something you don’t see every day!”

    “Thank you for the complements, but really, it was nothing. If you want to thank someone thank my pokemon, they’re the ones that did all of the work.”

    “Oh, I already have, “The Nurse replied kindly, “They’re in the back, keeping all of the other pokemon company. Maybe you should go back there; check out how things are going.”

    “Thank you, I think I will.” Xander got up and began walking toward the actual medical portion of the Pokemon Center. He always did wonder how the Pokemon League Association was able to maintain free lodging, meals, and medical care. When Xander got to the pokemon’s room all he found were poke balls. Confused, he picked one up and opened it. Out popped a shiny Froslass. Shocked, Xander opened up the rest of the poke balls, and sure enough, out came the rest of the shiny pokemon.

    “What the…how did you guys get in my poke balls?” The Froslass pointed at his bag. It was wide open. “Did you guys take some poke balls from me, and capture yourselves?” Froslass again nodded, as did the rest of the pokemon. “Where are Cryogonal, and Eelecktross?” The two pokemon poked their heads out from around the corner. “Did you two set this up?” They nodded an affirmative. “Guys, these pokemon don’t have to come with us. They were just freed from captivity; I don’t want to force them to travel with us.” Froslass and the other pokemon began shaking their heads, Hitmonchan pointed at himself, and then at me. All of the other pokemon agreed with Hitmonchan. “All right, if that’s what you all want. Return you guys.” All of the pokemon were hit by the red laser and put into their poke balls.

    ***Later that night, at Prof. Rowan’s Laboratory Grounds***

    The night was cool, and the sky was clear. Xander was sitting under a tree with his pokemon lying playing around him. The sun was just going down, but after today’s events, and twelve new team members, no one was going to sleep anytime soon. All of the new pokemon were accepted into the fold very quickly by the rest of Xander’s pokemon. Xander was happy to see that, but what made him happier was being able to see all of his pokemon again. He missed a lot of these guys, and hadn’t seen many of them in a while. Prof. Rowan walked up and sat under the tree next to Xander. “Little late to still be out here.”

    “Maybe, but I think that it is nice for my new pokemon to get to know my old friends.”

    Prof. Rowan nodded, “I can understand that. I find that these shiny pokemon that you have been collecting are fascinating. Have you ever considered looking into the phenomenon, that is shiny pokemon? You seem to have a knack for running into them.”

    “Why don’t you study them?” Xander asked nonchalantly.

    “I’m still looking into why some pokemon evolve and others don’t. I don’t have time for it, but I thought that you might be interested in it.”

    “I appreciate that you think that I have the potential to become a Pokemon Professor, but I’m not ready to stop travelling though. Maybe one day though.”

    “I’m glad you would consider it.”

    “So, what’s the status on our friend, Latias?”

    “Not sure. In fact, she’s gone missing.”

    “Wait, what?! I thought that the fences were built high enough, so that she couldn’t fly out of here in her weakened state.”

    “She can’t, but her fur can reflect light, making her invisible.”

    “So, she’s still on the grounds somewhere?”

    “Yes, she is.”

    ***Nearby in the Woods***

    *Hm, who are these people, and what do they want with me?* Latias thought this to herself as she listened in on Xander’s conversation with Prof. Rowan. *They don’t appear to be mean like those other humans. Maybe I should talk to those other pokemon first.* Latias was invisible, and gently floated through the enclosure to where Xander’s dragon pokemon were talking amongst themselves.

    Salamence was talking to the new member of the group, the shiny Haxorus, “So, where do you come from?”

    “The Unova region, I was taken away from my home by those people that Xander rescued me from.”

    “That’s just like Xander, so why did you decide to join him so readily.”

    “The other pokemon and I talked with Cryogonal, and Eelcktross. They said that he was a good and kind trainer. That’s when we decided, we would join him.”

    Garchomp broke in, “I’m surprised Xander would let such a weak pokemon join him. I thought he could tell the weak from the strong.”

    “What did you say!?” Haxorus was enraged.

    “Calm down Haxorus,” This came from the Dragonite, with the deep green skin color, “If you want to prove that you’re strong, then I suggest that you take on this loud mouthed Garchomp.”

    “Hahaha, I could snap this little shrimp like a twig. However missy, you look like a good challenge. How about you and I have a battle?”

    Dragonite calm as ever, replied, “I would love to do battle with you, but not now. I doubt that Xander would like to see his pokemon fight on the first night of our stay.”

    Garchomp mumbled an agreement.

    Salamence stepped in, “Dragonite is right, Garchomp, apologize to Haxorus immediately.”

    “No, I don’t want a hollow apology, if that’s what he thinks of me than that’s his prerogative, even if he’s extremely off-base,” Haxorus said this, and was about to walk away, when Latias showed herself to the group.

    “Hello,” Latias said kindly, “I’m Latias.”

    Immediately Hydreigon comes out of nowhere and clamps one of its smaller heads down on Latias’ neck.

    “Who are you?!” Hydreigon demanded in a raspy voice.

    Salamence charged toward Hydreigon, “Enough!” Salamence yelled as he struck Hydreigon with a Dragon Claw attack. “Not everyone is intent on evil like you seem to think Hydreigon.”

    “From my experience everyone will backstab you eventually,” he responded even more raspy than normal after the attack by Salamence.

    Dragonite came over and looked at the injury Latias sustained, “It looks like nothing too harmful was done. Sorry about that Latias. What a rude welcome.”

    Hydreigon just glared at Dragonite.

    Salamence also walked over to Latias, “I apologize that he attacked you without warning. Not all of us are like him,”
    Salamence said that last bit as he shot daggers at Hydreigon, who just ignored him.

    “That’s alright,” Latias said with a weak smile, “I’ve suffered much worse the last few days.”

    “Where’d you come from?” Dragonite asked curiously.

    “I came from Hoenn, actually I was kidnapped and dragged here. I was to be sold as some sort of trophy, that is, until I escaped.”

    “Wait, were you a prisoner of the poachers that Xander defeated today?” Salamence asked this, and was almost certain that he was right.

    “Yes, I was. Who is this, ‘Xander’, you all speak of so fondly?”

    “He’s our trainer and friend. I was his first pokemon ever, so I’ve known him the longest. He was talking to Prof. Rowan last I saw.”

    “Oh, was he the one with the brown hair, or the gray hair?”

    Salamence laughed,”Last I saw he hadn’t gone gray yet, so he was the one with brown hair. What are you still doing here? I know that all of us are here because of Xander, but you aren’t his pokemon.”

    “I can’t fly that high yet,” She said sadly, “When I escaped, they tried to slow me down by having a bunch of their pokemon poison me. After flying for a while, I passed out, and when I woke up I was in this enclosure.”

    “Prof. Rowan must have found you,” Suddenly Salamence had a moment of realization, “You’re the reason we’re here!”

    “What do you mean by that?” Latias asked in a bewildered manner.

    “We flew out here from the other side of the world to see something that Xander said Prof. Rowan found. It has to be you! I think that you are what people call a ‘shiny’ pokemon, much like many of us are.”

    “I always knew I was a different color from normal Latias, but I never thought it was that special.”

    Dragonite chimed in, “So, how are you feeling now?”

    Latias replied cheerfully, “Much better than I was yesterday! I think that by tomorrow, I should be able to fly out of here. That is, after I thank this ‘Xander’ for defeating the men that locked me up. My brother must be so worried about me by now.”

    Salamence was very curious now, “You have a brother?”

    “Yes, I do, Latios is his name.”

    “Is he by any chance a different color than normal as well?”

    “Now that you mention it, yes, he is.”

    “Would you mind meeting Xander tonight? He’d be very happy to see you.”

    “No, not tonight, but tomorrow for sure. It was nice meeting you all, good night!” With that she disappeared again into the night.

    “Well, that was interesting,” Dragonite commented.

    “Yes, it was very interesting,” Salamence said.

    Throughout the book there will be parts that are seen throught the pokemon's perspective, and I thought that this would be the perfect time to try it.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2011
  7. Firebrand

    Firebrand Indomitable

    Haha, I read part one last night, but on my ipod. I've been doing a lot of stuff via my ipod on the forums, so that's why my grammar may seem poor at times. :/
    Though I am honored you wanted my input!
    I would have commented then, but the keypad is tiny, and a nuisance. It's far faster to just do it on a normal computer.

    Anyways, this reads a lot like many other beginners stories I've looked at on Fictionpress. It's a tad choppy, but much easier to read than the journal. More impact. In the conversations, I felt the language was a little formal. It's okay to use contractions and slang, because it's a relaxed environment. For example, Cole will talk differently when speaking before the Summit, to his pokemon back home at the gym, and in battle. Try to establish a consistent voice, but also adjust it to fit the situation.

    Also, in the conversation with latias, I felt you were trying to develop the pokemon a bit too quickly. If this fic comes out as long as you plan it, take your time and allow the characters (human or no) to develop over time. It will seem more natural.
     
  8. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    What conversations do you think were a bit formal? I find that it is more Xander than anything. He is more of a formal guy. Latias is an interesting case in the fact that the character will join Xander very shortly and I kind of want her to be developed a bit. Does that make sense. I will take your advice though.
     
  9. Firebrand

    Firebrand Indomitable

    It's not just Latias. It was the Hydreigon, Garchomp, Dragonite and Salamance that seemed to hasty. As for conversations, it was with the bandits/theifs/brigands/what have you. I just think Xander was taking his time in what should have been a fast paced situation.


    Apologies if I sound harsh or anything, but I feel like harsh criticism is honest criticism. If all people tell you is variations on "Great story, keep going," when you're first starting out, then you never improve, you know? Because the people with experience aren't passing the torch, so to speak.
     
  10. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    You are harsh, but that is what I need. My backstory in writing is only argumentative papers. Those are extremely formal. In those papers you aren't even allowed to use pronouns. If you can't tell it is a very restrictive form of writing. What, am I talking about, you probably have heard of it. I do appreciate your critiques, and that you care enough to actually read and review it.

    EDIT: I can see what you mean about the formality of the first two chapters. I didn't use contractions and that added to the choppiness. I don't understand what you mean by all of the pokemon's personalities being developed too fast. Maybe if you could explain what exactly feels off about them I would be able to fix it. They seem fine to me.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2011
  11. dracoburn

    dracoburn Lance's protege

    Like Feral said, go with the flow :)

    The part that I find the hardest about writing is getting somewhere when you don't know the way. Like, I know that I have to get to the Summit, and I know that what I have to do then, but this transition is killing me.

    It's hard to be a writer. But you're doing just fine, and improving every day.
     
  12. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    I am glad that you guys are finding parts of my stories that you think are good. The next chapter should be up later tonight or early tomorrow. For some reason this chapter is a lot harder to write, that maight be because I am including some well known characters.
     
  13. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    Ok, so I had to work through some writer's block to write this chapter, but I finally finished it! This is a fairly important chapter, and brings some elements from one of my favorite pokemon games into the story. So without further ado here it is.

    Chapter 3: The Enemy of My Family is Still My Enemy

    Xander woke up at 7 sharp the next morning, he never did like to sleep in. “Today I will actually see that Latias, if it’s the last thing I do.” He got up got dressed and went down stairs to Prof. Rowan’s kitchen. Prof. Rowan was brewing a pot of coffee as Xander came down the stairs.

    “Do you want some?” Professor asked.
    Xander never did like coffee, “No thanks, you putting me up, and flying me here is more than enough. So, what’s the plan for today?”

    “There isn’t much going on today. Your pokemon sure seem to enjoy it here though.”

    Xander smiled, “Yeah, they sure do. It’s nice that they can see everyone again. Anymore news on Latias?”

    “Actually yes, she’s outside right now.”

    “She’s letting herself be seen?”

    “Yes, she is. You can go out and see her if you want. All of my assistants have been able to approach her without problems.”

    Xander got up from the table and headed out the door. On his way out he called back, “Thanks Professor!”

    “That boy, he’s always on the move.”

    When Xander got outside it was a beautiful day. There was a slight breeze balanced out the heat, and made the day perfect. He saw Latias just sitting in the sun, enjoying herself. The sun’s rays reflected off of her golden fur and she was almost too bright to look at. Xander walked up to her and out of nowhere he heard a voice. *My, you’re up early. I wasn’t expecting you to come out here till at least noon.*

    “What the! Who said that!” Xander exclaimed with a start.

    Latias giggled. *Why me silly! Who do you think*

    “Well, I guess I’m just not used to pokemon speaking to me. How’d you do that anyway?”

    *Can’t you tell that it’s all in your head?*

    “You mean, I’m imagining this?”

    *No, no, you aren’t imagining this. I’m using telepathy.*

    “Oh, that’s new. Do you speak with people, like this, often?”

    *No, I haven’t met that many humans, you and those bad men that tied me up are the only ones that I know*

    “I’m gonna guess that you don’t have a very high opinion of us?”

    *I didn’t, that is, until I met you.*

    “Thank my pokemon if you want to thank someone,” With that he let out his Salamence.

    Salamence came out and shook his head sleepily.

    *Oh, I already thanked him.*

    “When?”

    *Last night, while you were talking to the man with the gray hair. I went around, and talked to some of your pokemon.*

    “Was there a reason you didn’t tell me, Salamence?”

    Salamence just looked at Xander with a grin.

    *Don’t give Salamence a hard time. He thought it would be a nice surprise when you got to talk to me.*

    He looked sideways at Salamence, “Alright buddy, I see why you didn’t tell me.”

    Salamence nodded, he was proud to make his trainer happy.

    “So Latias, how long do you plan on staying here?”

    *I really don’t know,* She thought. *I suppose not much longer.*

    ***Deep in Sandgem Woods***

    Xander probably should have gone deeper into the Sandgem Woods, and maybe he could have prevented the tragedy that was about to happen. The poachers were much more organized than he originally thought. In Sandgem woods was their base. It was modest, but served them well. Inside the main building a grunt was in major trouble…

    “I can’t believe ya fools could let her get away!”

    “But, but, sir-“

    “Quiet!” The large and imposing man shouted. *This was unacceptable for Team Snagem. Sure they had been in a bit of a rut after what happened a couple of years ago in Orre, but things were starting to get better. When they finally nabbed that Shiny Latias, everything was going perfectly. Until these sniveling wimps screwed it up!* “How’d she get away?”

    “We-we-well, you see sir we were about to move her from the containment unit to a regular cage, and uh, well, y-you see sir, she kinda, zapped us.”

    “Why would you move her from the containment unit anyway?!” Gonzap was furious, this was the last time he let grunts handle legendaries.

    “That’s the normal procedure boss,” The other grunt chimed in, “Ya always told us to follow them procedures.”

    “I swear, you lot are the biggest idiots I have ever seen! I want that Latias back, and I want her back within the week!”

    “Uh, yes boss! Yes boss, right away!” The more dimwitted one said as the two rushed out the door. Gonzap didn’t know why he had taken Trudly, the smarter of the two, and Folly with them when Snagem left Orre, but he did, and has regretted it ever since.

    To top it all off he just lost a batch of shiny pokemon that were freed by some kid and his pokemon. Gonzap let out a groan. He had been defeated by a teenager before, that darned Wes, and he promised himself that it would never happen again. True, he didn’t have the monetary backing of Cipher, but Snagem didn’t have it when they started out either. It was a new region and a new game, and Gonzap would win, he knew it.

    Just then a special news announcement was made on the TV.

    “What now?” Gonzap said.

    The newscaster, a woman who was probably hired more for her perfect figure and blonde hair above anything else, began speaking, “I’m standing outside of Prof. Rowan’s Pokemon Laboratory in the beautiful city of Sandgem. Inside, there is a very rare pokemon; a shiny Latias! We were able to catch a glimpse of it this morning as it was talking to an unknown trainer.”

    A video of Xander talking to Latias is shown. At the end of the video Prof. Rowan comes out and tells them to get off of his property and to turn the camera off. Then the feed abruptly ends.

    “Prof. Rowan and the mystery trainer could not be reached for comment. We will bring news on this, as we get it.” The TV went back to its normal programming.

    Gonzap had a devilish smile on his face, “Huh, for once the news was helpful instead of a problem for us.”

    *** Back at the lab***

    “I can’t believe I didn’t notice the reporter behind me,” Xander said to Prof. Rowan as they were watching the news report unfold.

    “It’s not your fault Xander. You were just talking to Latias. I have to say, I don’t know if I would’ve noticed her either if I was talking to Latias.”

    Xander ignored Rowan’s attempt to make him feel better, “So what do we do now?”

    “I’m not sure, except that we are going to need to keep a sharp eye on Latias.”

    “Why do you say that?”

    “It’s likely that whoever kidnapped Latias, most likely knows where she is now.”

    “I’m sure that Eelecktross, and I sent those poachers packing.”

    “How can you be so sure? Did you pursue them into the forest?”

    “I, well, no, no I didn’t,” Xander said frustrated with himself. He should have chased them and arrested them, or done something. “How could I have been so stupid?”

    Rowan looked at Xander hard, “Why in the world are you so hard on yourself lately?!”

    Xander looked kinda shocked, “What do you mean?”

    “I mean the fact that, in the few days that you have been here, you haven’t been yourself. Usually you are always doing something, or visiting with someone, or training. I haven’t seen you training at all since you got here.”

    “I don’t think I’ve been that bad.”

    “You haven’t been way off in left field, no, but you’ve been more somber since you came. What’s going on?”

    “I came in 8th,” Xander said under his breath.

    “Rowan looked stunned, “What did you say?”

    “I came in 8th in the Unova league! I came in 8th in the Johto league! And I came in 8th in the Sinnoh league!” Xander yelled.

    “What the heck is wrong with that?!” Rowan yelled back.

    “Don’t you see?” Xander said exasperated, “I haven’t improved at all since I started!”

    “I beg to differ,” Rowan said with a softer tone.

    “I haven’t though!”

    Rowan realized that he wouldn’t get through to Xander in this state, “So, what do you think we should do about the poachers?”

    Thankful for the change in subject, Xander calmed down, “My cousin Rui, has some experience with pokemon poachers. Maybe she could give us some ideas.”

    “Why do I know that name?” Rowan asked thoughtfully.

    Xander smiled, “Because, four years ago she, and her husband Wes, took down Cipher.”

    “That’s right, I almost forgot. I didn’t know they got married though.”

    “After they defeated Cipher, they kinda decided to stay out of the lime light. I’ll see if I can get a hold of her.”

    Xander walked off into his room to dial Rui’s number. *I haven’t been acting off, have I? I just can’t stand the fact that I haven’t been able to place higher than 8th in any sort of league. I know that he’s just trying to help, but I don’t need help. I need to come to terms with the fact that I am at best a mediocre trainer.* Xander looked out the window in his room. What he saw made him smile: all of his pokemon playing a game, or talking to each other, even Latias was joining in on the fun. *I guess I can’t be doing everything wrong.*

    Now in a better mood, Xander dialed his cousin’s number, and was greeted by a friendly face with bright orange hair.

    “Hi Xander! It’s been a while since I talked to you. I heard you did some pretty good work in the Unova league.”

    *Great, another reminder of my failures,* Xander shook the thought off, and recovered quickly, “Hi Rui. So how’s married life treating you?”

    “Oh things are going well here. We are living in the place where we first met, Phenac City.”

    Xander had a very limited knowledge of the Orre region, but he did know that Phenac City was a beautiful oasis in the middle of a desert, “I’m happy for you. Sadly, I didn’t call to catch up with you; I actually called to ask you about pokemon poachers.”

    Rui grew serious, “Why, what are you caught up in?”

    “Have you heard the news about the shiny Latias?”

    “Yeah, we just heard about it on TV.”

    “Well, that was the back of my head in the news clip.”

    “Oh, you sure have grown since I last saw you. You were talking to that Latias!?”

    Xander flashed one of his smiles, “Yeah, if you call telepathy talking.”

    “That’s really cool, Xander. Wes and I have met a Celebi a few times, but we never met a Latias. So what were you saying about poachers?”

    “Well, I know this is rude, but, I’m not sure how much I should tell you.”

    “Is it really that serious?”

    “Yeah, unfortunately it is. I can tell you that, it involves the shiny Latias.”

    “Color me intrigued,” She said excitedly, “So, you want me to tell you what I know about Team Snagem, and Cipher?”

    “Yeah, that would be really helpful in combating these poachers.”

    “Well then, you better pull up a chair, this could take a while.”

    Yes, I do love the original Pokemon Coloseum, and I thought it would be cool to include some of my favorite characters from it. So once again, critque away, I hope it is less choppy now.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2011
  14. Blackacer

    Blackacer ~Artist~

    I like this story its very original and interesting
     
  15. Firebrand

    Firebrand Indomitable

    Basically copypaste my critique about dialogue from last time, to a lesser degree. I cant help but feel it's unnatural at times. So...
    Here's what I do. I read any dialogue I write aloud as I type. If it sounds weird, I chanfe it. It may not work for you, but its helped me loads these last three years.
     
  16. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    Hmm, okay I'll try that. Thanks for trying to help me.
     
  17. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    So this is just a little update on the story. It might be a few days until I get the next chapter up. I plan on making them longer, and I'm also going to go back and improve the first three chapters. Chapter four should be up, no later than Monday.

    Edit: Ok, so I went through the three chapters and made some minor changes, switching a sentence there, making a contraction here, putting commas all over the place, etc. I hope that it reads smoother now.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2011
  18. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    So, here we go with chapter four. I plan for this book to have 4 story arcs, each being about ten chapters long.

    Chapter 4: Hell Hath No Fury as a Brother Scorned​

    “Well, that should be everything,” Rui said happily as she finished telling Xander about her taking down Cipher and Snagem, “Hope that’ll help.”

    Xander was kind of zoned out; he hadn’t expected a four hour rundown of their exploits, “Huh? Uh, yeah, sure, thanks Rui.”

    “Were you even listening? If you weren’t, I could always start from the beginning…”

    “No, no, I was listening,” Xander said hastily, “Thanks for sharing this. I’m sure it’ll help a lot.”

    Rui smiled, “Happy to help! If you need anything else, don’t be afraid to call.”

    “I’ll keep that in mind, thanks. I gotta go; I’ll call you, and tell you how this all turns out.”

    Rui put on a mock threatening face, “You’d better.”

    Xander laughed, and hung up the Xtranciever. *Wow she can talk a lot. Wonder how Wes handles it?*

    Xander walked back down stairs where Prof. Rowan was sitting on the couch talking with a man. Xander raised his eyebrow at the man, “Uh, Professor, who is…” Xander didn’t finish that sentence, because just then the guest turned around, “Raj! What are you doing here?”

    “Hey Xander,” Raj said as he shook Xander’s hand, “I came here to see you! Sorry that I didn’t get to see you in the Unovan League, but I was kind of busy.”

    “What were you doing?”

    “You’ll find out soon enough,” Raj said slyly.

    “Um, ok.” Xander said slowly. *I’m really getting sick of everyone being cryptic.*

    “I came here because I wanted to see that Latias, and Prof. Rowan was kind enough to offer me a room as well.”

    “Think nothing of it,” Rowan said, “You’ve helped me with my research, so this is the least I can do.”

    “Thank you Professor. Would you mind if I went out to see Latias?”

    “No, no problem at all.”

    “Xander, would join me?”

    Xander needed to get back to the forest, and he didn’t want to get Raj involved in this mess, plus he really wanted to avoid battling if at all possible, “Sorry, but I can’t. I have, um, some, stuff to do.”

    “Ok, well then, I’ll see ya later?”

    “You will.”

    Xander grabbed his coat and left. “What’s going on with Xander?” Raj asked
    curiously, “He never used to turn down a battle.”

    Prof. Rowan looked grim, “He came in 8th in the Unova league.”

    “So? That’s pretty good.”

    “Not in his mind it isn’t. He feels that since he has always come in 8th, then he hasn’t improved at all. It’s a touchy subject for him. Just four hours ago I tried to get him to talk about it, but he wouldn’t.”

    “Has he battled at all since the Unova league?”

    “Not that I know of, except of course, when he had to rescue those shiny pokemon.”

    “But never for fun?”

    “No, not that I know of, granted it has only been a week or so, but he’s definitely not himself.”

    “Well, we’ll just have to change that,” Raj said slyly, “For now though, let’s go and see that Latias.”

    ***Sandgem Woods***

    *Well, that took me by surprise. I hadn’t expected Raj to show up.* Xander thought this as he walked through the dense forest. Scizor was walking ahead of Xander and ripping up the underbrush whenever it got particularly thick. *It makes me sick to think people actually buy pokemon off of the black market! How can you put a price on these amazing creatures?* Xander and Scizor walked through the woods for about 20 minutes, and at the end they came to a clearing. The clearing had obviously been used as a base for the poachers. There were pieces of metal left behind, from, most likely, prefabricated shelters. There were also cages lying all over the grass, making what would normally be a beautiful area, and ugly reminder of the evil in this world. As Xander walked through the clearing, and checked the cages and bits of metal, he found nothing useful. “Dang it! Looks like they moved on, but to where?”

    At that moment, Xander saw a speck in the sky that was fast approaching.

    As it descended it cried out, “Latiooooooooooooooo.”

    “What the heck?! What is that?”As it got closer Xander was able to bring out his pokedex to get a reading on it. “It’s a Latios, and according to the pokedex it’s shiny! I won- whoof!”

    The Latios hit Xander head on from the sky dive and, sent him flying 20 feet into the bushes. “Lati-Latios-Os!”

    “Uh…that thing packs a punch. Scizor, we have to calm him down, use X-Scissor!”

    “Scizor!” Scizor sprang into action and flew towards Latios, and unleashed a powerful X-Scissor.

    “Lati!” It exclaimed as it simply flew up, and dodged the attack. Latios then used Calm Mind its followed it up with a Draco Meteor attack. In between Latios’ hands formed a bluish-black orb, which he then shot up into the sky. After the orb was about 200 feet above the ground, it exploded into dozens of meteor-like balls of energy, which crashed into the ground below.

    “Scizor, dodge it!” But it was too late, Scizor attempted to zig-zagged through the meteors, and their ensuing explosions, but he couldn’t dodge them all. After the smoke cleared, Scizor was seen, unconscious, on the ground, in the middle of a crater. “Scizor! No!”

    “Sci…zor,” Scizor moaned weakly as he passed out.

    “Scizor, return. Go, Froslass!” Froslass materialized out of the poke ball.

    “Fffrossslassss,” It called as it came out.

    “Froslass, let’s start out with Hail!”

    “Fros,” Froslass’ eyes went white as it looked up into the sky. Above her, clouds started to form, and hail began to drop. Latios took visible damage from being pelted, by the now fast falling hail. Froslass seemed to be in multiple places at once, because of its ability.

    Latios was frustrated, and sent Energy Balls at whatever he saw, which wasn’t much in the storm. Froslass easily dodged, what few attacks came close to her.

    “Good job, Froslass! Now let’s whip up a Blizzard!”

    “Froslass!” She began whipping up a terrible Blizzard attack, and Latios was hit hard.

    “Tiosssssssssssss!” he cried as he was forced to flee.

    “Huh, good job Froslass, but let’s calm this blizzard down, okay?”

    “Fro,” It nodded in agreement, and the storm died down.

    ***Back at Prof. Rowan’s Lab***

    *So, that’s how I came to be here,* Latias finished.

    Raj nodded, “That’s pretty interesting. You mentioned that you have a brother, isn’t he looking for you.”

    *Probably, although, he has no way of knowing where I was taken, or where I am now.*

    “Are you worried that you’ll never see him again?”

    *What? Oh no, I’m sure that, either I’ll find him, or he’ll find me.*

    “When do you think you’ll leave?”

    *I’m not sure…*

    Just then, Xander showed up.

    “Xander, why are you out of breath?” Raj said.

    Xander took a moment to catch his breath, “I…I think…I think I met your brother,” He said trying to catch his breath. “I think, he thought, I had kidnapped you.”

    *Oh no, that’s terrible. Let me apologize for me brother, he’s very confused.*

    “Well, I just hope that he doesn’t hurt anyone else. Is there anything you can do to let him know that you’re safe?”

    *Unfortunately, no. Well, I suppose I could show him what I see.*

    “You can do that?” Xander said impressed.

    *Yes, but I’m nervous that he’ll not listen to reason, and simply attack all of you.*

    “I say we risk it. I’ll have Salamence protect us if need be,” At that he let out Salamence, who was alert as ever.”

    Raj grabbed a poke ball from his belt, “Accelgor can help out as well.” With that, an Accelgor appeared from the poke ball.

    *Alright, I hope you guys are ready.* Latias’ eyes became a deep blue for a minute, then they returned to normal. *He’s on his way. I can’t talk to him when I do that, so we’ll see what he does when he- oh look, there he is,* She said as she looked up at the sky.

    Rowan, Raj, and Xander all looked up as well. Sure enough, there was a teal colored pokemon coming straight at them in dive-bomb fashion. “Latiiiiioooooos!” Before Latias could get a word in, her brother already sent out a bluish orb that signaled the impending Draco Meteor attack.

    Xander snapped into battle mode, “Salamence, take to the sky, and dodge that Draco Meteor!”

    “Mence,” He said before taking off. He dodged them effortlessly, and was on the same level as Latios.

    Accelgor didn’t even need a command. He began dodging the energy meteors easily. Accelgor was so fast that he seemed to be teleporting, rather than running. “Good job Donnie! Now, let’s send Latios a message, use Bug Buzz, but don’t hurt him too bad.”

    Accelgor nodded, and then flashed around the field a dozen times so that Latios couldn’t anticipate where the attack was coming from. Finally, Accelgor unleashed a Bug Buzz attack. It hit Latios head on, and he suffered terrible damage. Latios sent a Thunder Wave towards Accelgor, and made a direct hit. Accelgor fell in his tracks, and writhed in place, trying to move. Latios then turned towards the Salamence that was approaching fast. Latios sent a Dragon Pulse toward the approaching dragon, and struck him head on. Salamence cried out, and began plummeting towards earth.

    “Donnie!”

    “Salamence!”

    Salamence hit the ground, but got up right away. Accelgor recovered from the initial shock, and was only marginally slower.

    *Latios, listen to me!* Latias begged, *These humans and pokemon helped me, they aren’t the ones that took me away!*

    Latios wouldn’t listen however, his anger deafened him from Latias’ telepathy.
    Latios proceeded to hold both of his opponents in place using a Psychic attack.

    “Sal!” The large green dragon cried in frustration. Accelgor just stood there silently.

    *Latios, what are you doing?!” Latias thought, in horror as she saw her brother prepare to finish the two pokemon with a final Draco Meteor…

    Cliff hangar, muhahahaha!
     
  19. Firebrand

    Firebrand Indomitable

    A good chapter, there's less grammar mistakes every time!
    The conversations are beginning to flow much better. Obviously, you're improving as a writer each time you update. Just remember that writer's block is ephemeral, but mistrals like us endure forever.
    I really want to see how this all turns out, and one more thing:
    OMG RAJ IS IN IT NOW
     
  20. Xman96

    Xman96 Fighting Leader

    Wow, thanks Feral! It's good to know that I've improved. I took your advice and read it aloud as I did it, and it works wonders. Currently working on chapter five, and it's almost done. Yes, Raj is in it. :) I thought that because he called me in as an old friend, he should actually be in my backstory, this is the only arc I plan to have him in however.
     

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