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Shiny Expert:Xander

Xman96

Fighting Leader
Well, it's based off me, and if I'm honest with myself, I think that I would enjoy it. Although, it might take a while to get used to people constantly recognizing you.
 
This is a response to your review exchange review of my fan fic.

So i started doing chapter by chapter, but everything seemed to be similar so I let the review apply to every chapter of part one. I only reviewed part one.

The thinking aloud bit in the beginning was more intrusive than helpful; in real life no one exposits all that information out; they make the decisions in their thoughts. To show thoughts you can simply italicize the section or just say “Xander thought”. Also isn’t he at a crowded stadium? Him waiting there for a plane seems oddly illogical as opposed to an airport or even in a clearing. He may have done that, but the entire first day seemed rather rushed so I have no idea what happened in the interim. Expounding on the battle he lost or giving us a little more reason to understand Xander’s depression or his ties to his Ursaring may allow for a greater sense of emersion into the story as a whole; seeing the two in battle together and showing their bond would allow us to feel sympathy for Xander and the breaking up of the duo, but as of the first day I’m just reading to find some sort of reason to care. Without the context it just seems like you threw it in there only to grab quick sympathy.

I understand the gap for a day to pass, but why the transition to enter the lab? It may be nitpicky but it bothers me because it could be avoided with a simple sentence telling the reader the two made their way to the lab.

There’s a contrast between us two as author’s; you say I overuse description, yet you use almost no description. Take this excerpt:

Xander stared at the incredible sight before him.

This is incredibly vague and most certainly does not offer any sort of connotations or insight into the reaction of Xander. Is he in wonderment? Is he in shock? Is he appalled? What is the description of his eyes? Are they agape, wide, sparkling, what? Is his heart beating? Is he nervous or calm? As a reader I cannot tell and must interpret on my own solely by his stare and that he thinks it is incredible. Incredible is also very vague. Is it incredibe like beautiful or otherworldly or disturbing? You should not have to come out and say “Xander thought it was beautiful” when you could just as easily say “Xander’s eyes sparkled at the beauty before him”. Without outright telling us he finds it beautiful, his eyes also display the intrigue which fills him from the discovery because the sight got a visceral reaction out of him. It is the age old mantra of “Show, don’t tell.”

He was dumbfounded
Rowan spoke these last words sadly
Xander had a kind personality

I’ll stop, but fix it.

Okay. Xander is also bland if not abnormally vanilla. Everybody compliments him. Rowan flies out ONLY Xander to see his find, as opposed to anybody else with more credentials, Professor Oak or Elm to name a few. The police are made incompetent to boost the pedestal Xander’s on as he walks away from it all rolling his eyes and taking all his perfect Pokémon with him. I call him bland because we have not seen him evolve at all as a trainer. He just sort of shows up and is great. What is there to relate to?
The Pokémon talk would be better of eschewed for simply describing the facial expressions and body language of the Pokémon. Is Cryogonal short of breath? Is he motioning to the left or right or is he sedentary?

The blandness surfaces again by getting one hit KO’s and incapacitations of all the guards. That’s too perfect and shows he had not struggle or any sort of trouble with attacking to guards armed well enough to catch such a haul of strong shiny Pokémon. It’s almost absurd how rushed and easy infiltrating the operation was, but I don’t believe it was intentional.

Wow. So they all just caught themselves out of the blue instead of going back to where they have grown up I presume for years since they are all fully evolved. He just gets all these incredibly strong AND shiny Pokémon with no set up or any sort of bond? None of the Pokémon know what kind of trainer Xander is. For all they know Xander could have infiltrated the clearing in order to capture and sell all the Pokémon. But of course he didn’t want to do that because he is so good and they all read his mind and knew he was so good because they were also good. And of course they are assimilated in no time.

Xander was sitting under a tree with his pokemon lying playing around him.

They were all playing on their backs?

“Why don’t you study them?” Xander asked nonchalantly.

Nonchalantly? You know that means “indifferent”? So Xander does not care is he apparent new best buds are studied or not? The word choice makes no sense.

Shinies are Tangrowth, Gorebyss, Froslass, Honchkrow, Volcarona, Scizor, Scolipede, Accelgor, Hitmonchan, Drifblim, Haxorus, and Dragonite.
Garchomp broke in

What is this I don’t even

The Pokémon also have no personalities outside of being the cut-and-dry good or bad. What is there to relate to here? What character is compelling enough to read about?

*No, no, you aren’t imagining this. I’m using telepathy.*

“Oh, that’s new.”

That was unintentionally hilarious.

By the way, do not use conjunctions in your writing or abbreviations unless either is being spoken. There’s also no reason to type “23” as opposed to “twenty-three”.

And the fic for the remainder of part one pretty much just goes on like that. Xander wins. Bad guys lose. No one loses anything. Xander learns nothing besides stealing Pokémon is bad. Everyone is pretty much one-dimensional “good” or “evil”.

When part two is more developed I will review it as well, but overall it’s a bland story. Predictable in every way and rushed overall.
 

Xman96

Fighting Leader
So, because I started to work on this sequel, and because part two wasn't really going anywhere, Shiny Expert:Xander is officially completed! I plan to incorporate things that I was going to do in Part two into the sequel Pokemon Professor X. So thanks to everyone who helped, and especially to BrightSide, whose advice will be applied in the sequel.
 

Glover

Pain in Rocket side
You said read this, so I am. Be warned. I've just started the review at CH3, my apologies for not getting the others. I may be harsh, but as a struggling writer myself, I know specifics are much better than genralizations. So here's the Spoonful of sugar, and please don't kill me.

Raj said slyly
Slyly used twice, by Raj. There's plkenty of distance between them, so this may be a minor notpick, but it stuck out to me.

After the smoke cleared, Scizor was seen, unconscious, on the ground, in the middle of a crater. “Scizor! No!”
I'd dump the underlined sections, you've got too many commas, and in a crater pretty much implies being on the ground, which further helps the comma issue.

“I think, he thought, I had kidnapped you.”
At least one of those comma can go away. I'm not entirely sure which, and you might even be able to can both of them, replacing the second with a 'that'

Xander took a moment to catch his breath, “I…I think…I think I met your brother,”
This. Love the deadpan understatement.

Before Latias could get a word in, her brother [had]]already sent out a bluish orb that signaled the impending Draco Meteor attack.
Personal preference, for attacks, I prefer "Launched" to "Sent out". Sounds more battle-y, and evil.

“Oh things are going well here. We are living in the place where we first met, Phenac City.”
ACK! I'M DYING! How do I retcon that? The whole reason you told me to read this? Anyway, I threw the Coloseeum Shipping couple out of Orre since they weren't there for XD, and I doubted that Wes could get any peace and quiet there...

CH.5 Good. Also, glad to see something done with Gonzap.

“He is a criminal from Orre, who is responsible for the Shadow Pokemon crisis.”
That's giving him a bit too much credit though, alll he did was supply them with Pokemon. Oh, and the kid who tore Cipher down brick by brick.

I simply, paid fifty bucks, and printed out my degree.”
Dump that Comma, and you'll be great.

While that is going on, Raj is still in the air, unable to see what happened as a freak blizzard falls upon him. *Boy, this blizzard came out of nowhere! I hope Xander is keeping warm back there.*
There was a comment in the recent descriptor thread about show, don't tell. The Blizzard using that logic is too repetitive. I'd just dump the ceond blizzard, the pronoun "this" should cover it. If you need a noun, try "storm".

“There is currently a blizzard across all of Mount Coronet, due to the yearly Abomasnow gathering. Once per year, these pokemon gather into their 15 tribes, and see which one is the strongest. Abomasnow have the ability to create blizzards at will,; Tthe victor is not chosen based on battling strength, but instead by which tribe creates the biggest blizzard. Abomasnow have the ability to create blizzards at will, *so all of the males of a tribe will gather together, and attempt to create a massive blizzard. It takes 15 days, one day per tribe, for this ceremony to run its course. This is the seventh day of this, and it’s the biggest blizzard ever recorded, spanning the entirety of Mount Coronet.”
Is added can come out

*This section makes it sound like this is a ceremony, and slightly contradicts the pooint of a competition.

Also, the first part reads like a Pokedexz entriy, then switches to someone's observation. It's an odd change in persona, and might need to be adjusted.

*Brrr, it’s cold up here. Where in Sinnoh did this blizzard come from?* Latias thought this as she was flying through the blinding blizzard.
One of the beauties of the way you're doing your punctuation, I know that's Latias, and I know its her thinking. In typical fashion, as far as I know, thoughts are done in italics, but telepathy doesn't have a constant style. While I'm on this topic, as a reader I prefer to something other than Quotation makrs when the Pokemon are speaking their thoughts, unless they are physically taking. Like you've done with Latias, for example. [/nitpick]

Once inside the cave, Dragonite found some large sticks late .she broke the ice off of with her Stone Edge attack. After that, she dried them out by beating her wings, to create her Hurricane attack. To finish her work, she lit the sticks into a heat source, by striking them with a Thunderbolt. “Good, and it only took me an ten minutes to do that,” She said to herself as she warmed up by the heat source. “I’ll spend ten minutes warming up, and then I have to get back…out……to………find……………….zzzzzz” She fell asleep.

*He’s close, I can sense him, but he’s fading fast!* Latias rushed on towards Xander’s location.*

'
Latias extended her Psychic abilities, and she found Dragonites thoughts, she

When she flew through the doors she got the strangest looks form people in the waiting room. She heard thoughts of, “What the heck is that?”, “Is that a Latias?”, and “That kid looks ill.” *At least some of these people aren’t shocked at my appearance, and are actually worried about the lethargic young man that I’m carrying.* Latias calmly floated up to one of the receptionists, and laid Xander out on the desk.
Love this. Though I'm waiting for the humanoid appearence of Latias a la the Movie.

Another cliff hangar. I know my chapters are shorter than everyone elses, but it seems to work for me. Tell me your thoughts on that subject.

This, is not a bad thing. Short is good. Short and Good is better. Now, to make Short and Good into Short and Awesome, that's you're task.

Wes was seen petting an Arcanine. The Arcanine its self looked like the picture of bliss being petted by Wes, and looked confused when Wes stopped scratching its belly, “Haha, I’ll come back later Arcanine, I promise.” Arcanine looked happy at that prospect and trotted off. Wes stood up and looked Rowan, “It’s good to meet you sir, I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Yay new sside of Wes!

Rui looked indignant, “And what about me?”

“I think you should stay here honey,” Wes said in a coaxing tone.”

Rui had a cross look on her face, “Nice try, but I’m coming with you.”

Wes put on a mock dejected look, “Alright you win. So what am I supposed to do with
this?” Wes asked as he pulled out a small mechanical looking glove.

Rui's argument needs to be drawn out more. I realize Wes knows it's a losing battle, but it needs more srtuggle. Also, I may have missed something, but it feels to me that Wes has surprised them with a glove, expecting Rowan to know he has it.

Rui had a long face, “I don’t like this at all.”

Wes was honest, “I know you don’t Rui, that’s why I didn’t tell you.”

“I should be able to trust you Wes. I don’t like that you went behind my back like this.”

Wes gave her a small kiss, “I’ll make it up to you later, right now, your cousin is in trouble, and needs our help.”

Neither do haklf the people in the League who have them, but you don't hear about them. And technically, he did destroy it. It was in oieces so he could make the new one, right? hee hee.

Rowan just smiled at the jest, “No, I think I have this covered,” slyly he took out a poke ball and out came a Hydreigon.
WHY. DOES. EVERYONE. HAVE. A. HYDREGION. ?. They;re supposed to be RARE people! And more specifically, wehy dioes the HOENN Prof have a Hydregion? A Salamence I would believe, but Hydregion? I'm afraid to turn around, some kid in Cay's Kindergarten class is gonna have one next.

“W-w-we p-p-probably should’ve g-g-grabbed some g-g-g-gear before we l-l-left,” Folly stuttered.

“N-no ki-kidding,” Trudly stammered in response.
Awe, man. I was really hoping they were still with Miror B. Great job writing their characters though.

“You idiots! I should throw your-“

So can I join you guys.?

if I hadn’t dropped Xander,

“I wish it were only a single man. After you left, they got the camera back online for a minute. They caught an army of people in Team Snagem uniforms marching on Floraroma Town. They must be serious about getting something in Floraroma town there.”
If you can, avoid repetitions like that. It[s in the other chapters too, I highlighted a few as I went.

CH 10
“I was!? Cool, did ya get a video tape of it?”

“Don’t forget, all of you do is grip a poke ball in the snag machine, and you’ll be able to capture Salamence, and Latios.”
Oh, and it usually helps to beat the ever-loving tar out of them first, unless you have Masterballs.


Although he was almost flattened by a falling Flygon, he simply moved on.
Slight contradiction there a lot of build up for a "simply".

Raj gave him a thumbs up and then said something to Mr. Socky, whom Raj was riding on.

“Pride comes before folly, Gonzap, remember that as I haul you off to jail.”

No no no. Trudly comes before Folly.

Volcarona, though it does hover, cannot fly high enough to avoid attacks such as Earthquake, and he took the full brunt of the attack. He fell to the ground with a thud, and landed on its wings. “Alright Drapion, finish it with Night Slash!”

Good logic there, I tink.

Gonzap scratched his bald head, “What the hell was that supposed to do? If you wanna waste your time beating yourself up, all the better. Drapion, use Swords Dance!” Drapion’s claws began to glow, and it made a couple of criss-crossing motions in front of itself, and then began to glow a fierce purple.
That's right for Gonzap. Good job

At this point, I must congragulate you. From front to back, the conversations have improved very well.

Wes smiled as he left, “Don’t get all mushy on me.”

Classic Wes.

not yet,.” Xander spoke to himself before putting it back in the bag and zipping it shut…

END PT 1 REVIEW


Oh, did I see someone mention the Review Trade? Is it too late to pretend I'm enrolled in that? Phht!
 

Xman96

Fighting Leader
Wow! Thanks for the awesome review Glover! A lot of the things that you mentioned with the earlier chapter I feel, were mostly due to my newness at writing. The comma thing I am terrible with, and am working on it. I guess I was trying to over compensate because of teh lifelessness of my first two chapters. I'm really glad that you liked it towards the end. Also, don't worry about the chapter two thing, I scrapped it and started a new fic: Pokemon Professor X. It's only four chapters long right now, but I'm working on the fifth.
 

Glover

Pain in Rocket side
You're welcome, and I need to cover a mistake I made last night. I accused Rowan of being the Hoenn Prof, and he's not. Birch, Rowan, Rowan, Birch. DAMMIT!

Anyway, comment stands about Hydregion, just beating yall to the punch.
 

Xman96

Fighting Leader
You're welcome, and I need to cover a mistake I made last night. I accused Rowan of being the Hoenn Prof, and he's not. Birch, Rowan, Rowan, Birch. DAMMIT!

Anyway, comment stands about Hydregion, just beating yall to the punch.

Meh, I just kinda figured that Rowan would have traveled quite a bit in his sixty years and could concieviably (wow I butchered that spelling) have one.
 

Glover

Pain in Rocket side
Meh, I just kinda figured that Rowan would have traveled quite a bit in his sixty years and could concieviably (wow I butchered that spelling) have one.

That's not it at all. That makes perfect sense. In fact, each person has a concievable right to having one. My issue is that THE THINGS ARE BLOOMIN' EVERYWHERE. It's like they breed like BLOODY WHISMUR! This my Hydregion, Tribble.
 

ultimateblaziken11

Looking for Shinies
For some reason I can't open "Pokemon Professor X". But great story, Xman96! I'm not a writer, so I can't give any advice, but I sure can say that this is one of the best Pokemon stories I've ever read!
 

ultimateblaziken11

Looking for Shinies
Managed to open Professor X. I'm looking forward to it.
 

Xman96

Fighting Leader
I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Only a few chapters of Prof. X are up, but I do want to get to writing it again, it's just hard finding the time. Maybe I can crank out another chapter this week...
 
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