Xander stared at the incredible sight before him.
He was dumbfounded
Rowan spoke these last words sadly
Xander had a kind personality
Xander was sitting under a tree with his pokemon lying playing around him.
“Why don’t you study them?” Xander asked nonchalantly.
Shinies are Tangrowth, Gorebyss, Froslass, Honchkrow, Volcarona, Scizor, Scolipede, Accelgor, Hitmonchan, Drifblim, Haxorus, and Dragonite.
Garchomp broke in
*No, no, you aren’t imagining this. I’m using telepathy.*
“Oh, that’s new.”
Slyly used twice, by Raj. There's plkenty of distance between them, so this may be a minor notpick, but it stuck out to me.Raj said slyly
I'd dump the underlined sections, you've got too many commas, and in a crater pretty much implies being on the ground, which further helps the comma issue.After the smoke cleared, Scizor was seen, unconscious, on the ground, in the middle of a crater. “Scizor! No!”
At least one of those comma can go away. I'm not entirely sure which, and you might even be able to can both of them, replacing the second with a 'that'“I think, he thought, I had kidnapped you.”
This. Love the deadpan understatement.Xander took a moment to catch his breath, “I…I think…I think I met your brother,”
Personal preference, for attacks, I prefer "Launched" to "Sent out". Sounds more battle-y, and evil.Before Latias could get a word in, her brother [had]]already sent out a bluish orb that signaled the impending Draco Meteor attack.
ACK! I'M DYING! How do I retcon that? The whole reason you told me to read this? Anyway, I threw the Coloseeum Shipping couple out of Orre since they weren't there for XD, and I doubted that Wes could get any peace and quiet there...“Oh things are going well here. We are living in the place where we first met, Phenac City.”
That's giving him a bit too much credit though, alll he did was supply them with Pokemon. Oh, and the kid who tore Cipher down brick by brick.“He is a criminal from Orre, who is responsible for the Shadow Pokemon crisis.”
Dump that Comma, and you'll be great.I simply, paid fifty bucks, and printed out my degree.”
There was a comment in the recent descriptor thread about show, don't tell. The Blizzard using that logic is too repetitive. I'd just dump the ceond blizzard, the pronoun "this" should cover it. If you need a noun, try "storm".While that is going on, Raj is still in the air, unable to see what happened as a freak blizzard falls upon him. *Boy, this blizzard came out of nowhere! I hope Xander is keeping warm back there.*
Is added can come out“There is currently a blizzard across all of Mount Coronet, due to the yearly Abomasnow gathering. Once per year, these pokemon gather into their 15 tribes, and see which one is the strongest. Abomasnow have the ability to create blizzards at will,; Tthe victor is not chosen based on battling strength, but instead by which tribe creates the biggest blizzard. Abomasnow have the ability to create blizzards at will, *so all of the males of a tribe will gather together, and attempt to create a massive blizzard. It takes 15 days, one day per tribe, for this ceremony to run its course. This is the seventh day of this, and it’s the biggest blizzard ever recorded, spanning the entirety of Mount Coronet.”
One of the beauties of the way you're doing your punctuation, I know that's Latias, and I know its her thinking. In typical fashion, as far as I know, thoughts are done in italics, but telepathy doesn't have a constant style. While I'm on this topic, as a reader I prefer to something other than Quotation makrs when the Pokemon are speaking their thoughts, unless they are physically taking. Like you've done with Latias, for example. [/nitpick]*Brrr, it’s cold up here. Where in Sinnoh did this blizzard come from?* Latias thought this as she was flying through the blinding blizzard.
Once inside the cave, Dragonite found some large sticks late .she broke the ice off of with her Stone Edge attack. After that, she dried them out by beating her wings, to create her Hurricane attack. To finish her work, she lit the sticks into a heat source, by striking them with a Thunderbolt. “Good, and it only took me an ten minutes to do that,” She said to herself as she warmed up by the heat source. “I’ll spend ten minutes warming up, and then I have to get back…out……to………find……………….zzzzzz” She fell asleep.
*He’s close, I can sense him, but he’s fading fast!* Latias rushed on towards Xander’s location.*
Latias extended her Psychic abilities, and she found Dragonites thoughts, she
Love this. Though I'm waiting for the humanoid appearence of Latias a la the Movie.When she flew through the doors she got the strangest looks form people in the waiting room. She heard thoughts of, “What the heck is that?”, “Is that a Latias?”, and “That kid looks ill.” *At least some of these people aren’t shocked at my appearance, and are actually worried about the lethargic young man that I’m carrying.* Latias calmly floated up to one of the receptionists, and laid Xander out on the desk.
Another cliff hangar. I know my chapters are shorter than everyone elses, but it seems to work for me. Tell me your thoughts on that subject.
Yay new sside of Wes!Wes was seen petting an Arcanine. The Arcanine its self looked like the picture of bliss being petted by Wes, and looked confused when Wes stopped scratching its belly, “Haha, I’ll come back later Arcanine, I promise.” Arcanine looked happy at that prospect and trotted off. Wes stood up and looked Rowan, “It’s good to meet you sir, I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Rui looked indignant, “And what about me?”
“I think you should stay here honey,” Wes said in a coaxing tone.”
Rui had a cross look on her face, “Nice try, but I’m coming with you.”
Wes put on a mock dejected look, “Alright you win. So what am I supposed to do with
this?” Wes asked as he pulled out a small mechanical looking glove.
Rui had a long face, “I don’t like this at all.”
Wes was honest, “I know you don’t Rui, that’s why I didn’t tell you.”
“I should be able to trust you Wes. I don’t like that you went behind my back like this.”
Wes gave her a small kiss, “I’ll make it up to you later, right now, your cousin is in trouble, and needs our help.”
WHY. DOES. EVERYONE. HAVE. A. HYDREGION. ?. They;re supposed to be RARE people! And more specifically, wehy dioes the HOENN Prof have a Hydregion? A Salamence I would believe, but Hydregion? I'm afraid to turn around, some kid in Cay's Kindergarten class is gonna have one next.Rowan just smiled at the jest, “No, I think I have this covered,” slyly he took out a poke ball and out came a Hydreigon.
Awe, man. I was really hoping they were still with Miror B. Great job writing their characters though.“W-w-we p-p-probably should’ve g-g-grabbed some g-g-g-gear before we l-l-left,” Folly stuttered.
“N-no ki-kidding,” Trudly stammered in response.
“You idiots! I should throw your-“
So can I join you guys.?”
if I hadn’t dropped Xander,
If you can, avoid repetitions like that. It[s in the other chapters too, I highlighted a few as I went.“I wish it were only a single man. After you left, they got the camera back online for a minute. They caught an army of people in Team Snagem uniforms marching on Floraroma Town. They must be serious about getting something in Floraroma town there.”
Oh, and it usually helps to beat the ever-loving tar out of them first, unless you have Masterballs.“Don’t forget, all of you do is grip a poke ball in the snag machine, and you’ll be able to capture Salamence, and Latios.”
Slight contradiction there a lot of build up for a "simply".Although he was almost flattened by a falling Flygon, he simply moved on.
Raj gave him a thumbs up and then said something to Mr. Socky, whom Raj was riding on.
“Pride comes before folly, Gonzap, remember that as I haul you off to jail.”
Volcarona, though it does hover, cannot fly high enough to avoid attacks such as Earthquake, and he took the full brunt of the attack. He fell to the ground with a thud, and landed on its wings. “Alright Drapion, finish it with Night Slash!”
That's right for Gonzap. Good jobGonzap scratched his bald head, “What the hell was that supposed to do? If you wanna waste your time beating yourself up, all the better. Drapion, use Swords Dance!” Drapion’s claws began to glow, and it made a couple of criss-crossing motions in front of itself, and then began to glow a fierce purple.
Wes smiled as he left, “Don’t get all mushy on me.”
not yet,.” Xander spoke to himself before putting it back in the bag and zipping it shut…
You're welcome, and I need to cover a mistake I made last night. I accused Rowan of being the Hoenn Prof, and he's not. Birch, Rowan, Rowan, Birch. DAMMIT!
Anyway, comment stands about Hydregion, just beating yall to the punch.
Meh, I just kinda figured that Rowan would have traveled quite a bit in his sixty years and could concieviably (wow I butchered that spelling) have one.