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Shiny Expert:Xander
- Thread starter Xman96
- Start date
.Bright Side.
~(._.~)
This is a response to your review exchange review of my fan fic.
So i started doing chapter by chapter, but everything seemed to be similar so I let the review apply to every chapter of part one. I only reviewed part one.
The thinking aloud bit in the beginning was more intrusive than helpful; in real life no one exposits all that information out; they make the decisions in their thoughts. To show thoughts you can simply italicize the section or just say “Xander thought”. Also isn’t he at a crowded stadium? Him waiting there for a plane seems oddly illogical as opposed to an airport or even in a clearing. He may have done that, but the entire first day seemed rather rushed so I have no idea what happened in the interim. Expounding on the battle he lost or giving us a little more reason to understand Xander’s depression or his ties to his Ursaring may allow for a greater sense of emersion into the story as a whole; seeing the two in battle together and showing their bond would allow us to feel sympathy for Xander and the breaking up of the duo, but as of the first day I’m just reading to find some sort of reason to care. Without the context it just seems like you threw it in there only to grab quick sympathy.
I understand the gap for a day to pass, but why the transition to enter the lab? It may be nitpicky but it bothers me because it could be avoided with a simple sentence telling the reader the two made their way to the lab.
There’s a contrast between us two as author’s; you say I overuse description, yet you use almost no description. Take this excerpt:
This is incredibly vague and most certainly does not offer any sort of connotations or insight into the reaction of Xander. Is he in wonderment? Is he in shock? Is he appalled? What is the description of his eyes? Are they agape, wide, sparkling, what? Is his heart beating? Is he nervous or calm? As a reader I cannot tell and must interpret on my own solely by his stare and that he thinks it is incredible. Incredible is also very vague. Is it incredibe like beautiful or otherworldly or disturbing? You should not have to come out and say “Xander thought it was beautiful” when you could just as easily say “Xander’s eyes sparkled at the beauty before him”. Without outright telling us he finds it beautiful, his eyes also display the intrigue which fills him from the discovery because the sight got a visceral reaction out of him. It is the age old mantra of “Show, don’t tell.”
I’ll stop, but fix it.
Okay. Xander is also bland if not abnormally vanilla. Everybody compliments him. Rowan flies out ONLY Xander to see his find, as opposed to anybody else with more credentials, Professor Oak or Elm to name a few. The police are made incompetent to boost the pedestal Xander’s on as he walks away from it all rolling his eyes and taking all his perfect Pokémon with him. I call him bland because we have not seen him evolve at all as a trainer. He just sort of shows up and is great. What is there to relate to?
The Pokémon talk would be better of eschewed for simply describing the facial expressions and body language of the Pokémon. Is Cryogonal short of breath? Is he motioning to the left or right or is he sedentary?
The blandness surfaces again by getting one hit KO’s and incapacitations of all the guards. That’s too perfect and shows he had not struggle or any sort of trouble with attacking to guards armed well enough to catch such a haul of strong shiny Pokémon. It’s almost absurd how rushed and easy infiltrating the operation was, but I don’t believe it was intentional.
Wow. So they all just caught themselves out of the blue instead of going back to where they have grown up I presume for years since they are all fully evolved. He just gets all these incredibly strong AND shiny Pokémon with no set up or any sort of bond? None of the Pokémon know what kind of trainer Xander is. For all they know Xander could have infiltrated the clearing in order to capture and sell all the Pokémon. But of course he didn’t want to do that because he is so good and they all read his mind and knew he was so good because they were also good. And of course they are assimilated in no time.
They were all playing on their backs?
Nonchalantly? You know that means “indifferent”? So Xander does not care is he apparent new best buds are studied or not? The word choice makes no sense.
What is this I don’t even
The Pokémon also have no personalities outside of being the cut-and-dry good or bad. What is there to relate to here? What character is compelling enough to read about?
That was unintentionally hilarious.
By the way, do not use conjunctions in your writing or abbreviations unless either is being spoken. There’s also no reason to type “23” as opposed to “twenty-three”.
And the fic for the remainder of part one pretty much just goes on like that. Xander wins. Bad guys lose. No one loses anything. Xander learns nothing besides stealing Pokémon is bad. Everyone is pretty much one-dimensional “good” or “evil”.
When part two is more developed I will review it as well, but overall it’s a bland story. Predictable in every way and rushed overall.
So i started doing chapter by chapter, but everything seemed to be similar so I let the review apply to every chapter of part one. I only reviewed part one.
The thinking aloud bit in the beginning was more intrusive than helpful; in real life no one exposits all that information out; they make the decisions in their thoughts. To show thoughts you can simply italicize the section or just say “Xander thought”. Also isn’t he at a crowded stadium? Him waiting there for a plane seems oddly illogical as opposed to an airport or even in a clearing. He may have done that, but the entire first day seemed rather rushed so I have no idea what happened in the interim. Expounding on the battle he lost or giving us a little more reason to understand Xander’s depression or his ties to his Ursaring may allow for a greater sense of emersion into the story as a whole; seeing the two in battle together and showing their bond would allow us to feel sympathy for Xander and the breaking up of the duo, but as of the first day I’m just reading to find some sort of reason to care. Without the context it just seems like you threw it in there only to grab quick sympathy.
I understand the gap for a day to pass, but why the transition to enter the lab? It may be nitpicky but it bothers me because it could be avoided with a simple sentence telling the reader the two made their way to the lab.
There’s a contrast between us two as author’s; you say I overuse description, yet you use almost no description. Take this excerpt:
Xander stared at the incredible sight before him.
This is incredibly vague and most certainly does not offer any sort of connotations or insight into the reaction of Xander. Is he in wonderment? Is he in shock? Is he appalled? What is the description of his eyes? Are they agape, wide, sparkling, what? Is his heart beating? Is he nervous or calm? As a reader I cannot tell and must interpret on my own solely by his stare and that he thinks it is incredible. Incredible is also very vague. Is it incredibe like beautiful or otherworldly or disturbing? You should not have to come out and say “Xander thought it was beautiful” when you could just as easily say “Xander’s eyes sparkled at the beauty before him”. Without outright telling us he finds it beautiful, his eyes also display the intrigue which fills him from the discovery because the sight got a visceral reaction out of him. It is the age old mantra of “Show, don’t tell.”
He was dumbfounded
Rowan spoke these last words sadly
Xander had a kind personality
I’ll stop, but fix it.
Okay. Xander is also bland if not abnormally vanilla. Everybody compliments him. Rowan flies out ONLY Xander to see his find, as opposed to anybody else with more credentials, Professor Oak or Elm to name a few. The police are made incompetent to boost the pedestal Xander’s on as he walks away from it all rolling his eyes and taking all his perfect Pokémon with him. I call him bland because we have not seen him evolve at all as a trainer. He just sort of shows up and is great. What is there to relate to?
The Pokémon talk would be better of eschewed for simply describing the facial expressions and body language of the Pokémon. Is Cryogonal short of breath? Is he motioning to the left or right or is he sedentary?
The blandness surfaces again by getting one hit KO’s and incapacitations of all the guards. That’s too perfect and shows he had not struggle or any sort of trouble with attacking to guards armed well enough to catch such a haul of strong shiny Pokémon. It’s almost absurd how rushed and easy infiltrating the operation was, but I don’t believe it was intentional.
Wow. So they all just caught themselves out of the blue instead of going back to where they have grown up I presume for years since they are all fully evolved. He just gets all these incredibly strong AND shiny Pokémon with no set up or any sort of bond? None of the Pokémon know what kind of trainer Xander is. For all they know Xander could have infiltrated the clearing in order to capture and sell all the Pokémon. But of course he didn’t want to do that because he is so good and they all read his mind and knew he was so good because they were also good. And of course they are assimilated in no time.
Xander was sitting under a tree with his pokemon lying playing around him.
They were all playing on their backs?
“Why don’t you study them?” Xander asked nonchalantly.
Nonchalantly? You know that means “indifferent”? So Xander does not care is he apparent new best buds are studied or not? The word choice makes no sense.
Shinies are Tangrowth, Gorebyss, Froslass, Honchkrow, Volcarona, Scizor, Scolipede, Accelgor, Hitmonchan, Drifblim, Haxorus, and Dragonite.
Garchomp broke in
What is this I don’t even
The Pokémon also have no personalities outside of being the cut-and-dry good or bad. What is there to relate to here? What character is compelling enough to read about?
*No, no, you aren’t imagining this. I’m using telepathy.*
“Oh, that’s new.”
That was unintentionally hilarious.
By the way, do not use conjunctions in your writing or abbreviations unless either is being spoken. There’s also no reason to type “23” as opposed to “twenty-three”.
And the fic for the remainder of part one pretty much just goes on like that. Xander wins. Bad guys lose. No one loses anything. Xander learns nothing besides stealing Pokémon is bad. Everyone is pretty much one-dimensional “good” or “evil”.
When part two is more developed I will review it as well, but overall it’s a bland story. Predictable in every way and rushed overall.
So, because I started to work on this sequel, and because part two wasn't really going anywhere, Shiny Expert:Xander is officially completed! I plan to incorporate things that I was going to do in Part two into the sequel Pokemon Professor X. So thanks to everyone who helped, and especially to BrightSide, whose advice will be applied in the sequel.