Short YGO Story

[Buizeru]

Here's just a Yu-Gi-Oh story, a short one. I'm quite proud of it.

The duel was drawing to a close. Each player only had three cards left. Each player was down to a few hundred LP, barely clinging on. The crowd was in such a hush, you could here a pin drop a couple feet off. Then everyone turned their attention to one duelist. It was her turn.

The girl, with one card in her hand, drew, leaving her with only two cards left, this draw her creeping closer to loss. And then, and smirk grew across her face, it looked like her smile would go on forever, but then, it had faded. She placed the monster card face-down, tightly gripping her card from suspense. She then motioned her hand and uttered, "Go." the crowd snapped into reality, for it had been a few minutes since some one last talked.

Her opponent, a boy, drew his card, now having three. And then, he gave a smirk. "Here, you lose." He said in a confident voice. He pushed a card into a slot in his disk, and then another, but in a different slot. He said, "I activate Lightning Vortex!!" the audiance gasped, shocked from the sudden rare-card. But, again, the girl gave a smile, it slowling moving across her face, with the boy getting rid of his.

"Or so you think!" she said, quickly playing a Spell card, "I use Mystical Space Typhoon!"

"No!" The boy yelled.

His opponent said nothing.

"Very well then, I still have this!" The kid said, placing down a monster, Celtic Guardian. "Now," he started, getting ready to win, "attack her face down monster!" his own monster grunted, and rushed forward. He then thrusted his sword into the card. And then it flipped.

The girl gave a muffled laugh, "Hmph.", and the card was revealed to be none other than Needle Worm.

"No! This can't be!!" the boy cried. His Duel Disk forcefully pushed out his reamining cards. Then, it made a reeling noise.

Maegan, having decked her opponent, had won the duel.

In the mob of people, someone began to clap, then a couple more, soon the whole swarm was clapping, cheering, hollaring. Maegan had won the tournament, what was there not to clap about? Then again, Collin, her opponent, wasn't to thrilled.

As Maegan began to leave, Collin screamed to her, "I want a rematch!!".

Her reply, "Maybe some other time. Right now, I've got a prize to collect." And with that, she had left the room, a trail of people following her out.

 

[Yami Ryu]

You know what I'd be more proud of? Not abusing Italics, reading the rules, and making a drabble in another forum that probably took more time to think up, write and make sure the characters were IC, than this was by you.

This was pretty short, rushed and lacking in detail, it's also in the wrong section. So do yourself a favor and read the rules and advice thread, and actually do more than 2 minutes of work and effort next time.

Reporting this now too.

 

[Buizeru]

You know what, screw you. I can use italics if I want. And, is not the point a a short story to be, you know, short? I'm so sick and tired of being criticized rudely by jerks like you. From now on, just to piss you off, I'm going to give everything of yours a bad rating, so you can see how it feels.

 

[Psychic]

EDIT: Wow, both of you beat me to a reply. -.-

Buizeru, you are really immature. You received a bad review...in the INTERNET. Why do you care so much? You're only showing that you're no better than Yami Ryu. Plus she doesn't give a damn if you rate her stuff one star- I know from experience, so don't try to mess with her. -_-
Now on to the review:



*points at Non-Pokémon fic section*
I didn't know that Yu-Gi-Oh was now considered to be Pokémon. So you might want to have a Mod move this.


Anyway, though I watch the show and understand the basics of Duel Monsters, I still didn't really get this. I mean...okay, so the girl won a duel. So what? Was it some kind of life-and-death match with her evil twin brother who would gain custody of Meagan's lovechild with the milkman if he won?

She won a duel. Big flippin' deal. Frankly, I don't even understand what happened. you could have at least done us the favour of explaining what each card did! And we don't even know what cards had been in play.

This generally lacked description. We have no idea what either duelist looked like, nor do we know what their cards looked like, we have no idea where they were or anything. Heck, we don't even know if they were just using cards, or using holograms like in the show! And were they at the booth things where there was like a board in front of them (like in the first season) or if they put their cards on the thingies that you strap on your arm with a flat surface. Come on, you could have told us HOW they were dueling.

There wasn't much emotion, either. Is Meagan excited that she won; ready to jump out of her skin, or just keeping her cool? How is Collin reaction; is steam coming out of his ears?


And frankly, if I didn't know better I'd say that Meagan is a self-insert character of you, and you just wrote this because you wanted to be in a story where you beat your rival at something. Yawn.


I don't know what to say. This is just a little skimpy piece of a scene. Maybe it makes sense if it went with the rest of a story or something, but even then this is really lacking.
Plus it goes in the Non-Pokémon section. :/


~Psychic